Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Scene 1
INT. Shermer High School - Home of "The Breakfast Club"
Laverne and Shirley are running down the hall.
Laverne: These halls sure are long, Shirl.
Lenny and Squiggy are sitting on the couch laughing hysterically. Squiggy accidently presses play...
Laverne and Shirley are still running down a long hallway...
Rod Sterling: You have just witnessed a strange and horrifying encounter between two different worlds of movies and television.. but they aren't all what they seem in.. THE TWILIGHT ZONE!
Scene 2
The Shining
INT. Over Look Hotel
They hear a loud "GONG" and stop. To their left, they noticed a door that read "237." At the end of the hallway two little brunette girls wearing matching blue dresses.
Shirley: Hello there, my name is Shirl--
Girls: Come play with us, Shirley.
Laverne: Aw, they want you to play with them.
Girls: Come play with us, Laverne. Come play with us... for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.
There was a sudden flash, Laverne and Shirley saw two chopped up bodies, covered in blood, of the two girls who were staring at them.
Laverne: Let's get outta here!
Laverne and Shirley turn around and behind them stood Jack Torrance , the caretaker of the hotel, with an ax in his hand.
Jack: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Shirley lets out a piercing scream, causing him to lunge at her with the ax. Shirley ducks and his ax gets stuck in the wall.
Squiggy presses stop.
Lenny: What did you do that for?
Squiggy: Are you kiddin'? She's gonna bare the Squiggman babies.
Laverne and Shirley are traveling through a tunnel filled with colorful flowers.
Squiggy: I wonder what this button does.
Scene 3
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
INT. Dr.Evil's Volcano Lair - 1969
Dr. Evil at his table with Frau Farbissina, Scott Evil, Mini-Me, and Number Two.
Number 2: Excuse me, Dr. Evil..about this Mini-Me.
Dr.Evil: He's not fitting in? Is he giving off too much of a creepy oompa-loopma vibe?
Number 2: No, it's just that..he bites. He's a biter.
Dr. Evil: (turning his chair around to face Mini-Me) What's wrong, Mini-Me? Something you want to tell us?...
Suddenly, Dr. Evil's time machine started to spin it's black and white hypnotic design causing Laverne and Shirley to spin their way into the movie.
Laverne: (holding her stomach) Aw, this has got to stop, Shirl.
Shirley's attention was not on her best friend. It drifted away to...
Scott: A billion is more than a million, numb nuts...
Laverne noticed Shirley's hands were gently stroking her short soft brown hair, hoping Scott would glance her way.
Laverne: Shirl...
Shirley: Laverne, get down on the floor.
Laverne: Okay.
The two girls knelt down on the floor.
Shirley: Now follow me.
Shirley crawled to the table where they were sitting and Laverne followed.
Laverne: (crawling past Mini-Me's chair) I'm gonna remember this, Shirl.
Finally, Shirley reached Scott's chair and they crawled underneath the table.
Laverne: Tell me, Shirl, why are we underneath this table?
Shirley: Because I don't want him to see us.
Laverne: Who?
Dr. Evil: So now, I've shown everyone the lazor...any questions?
Laverne: Hey, Shirl, check out those legs.
Shirley: Laverne, stop. I saw him first.
Mini-Me hears voices and gets distracted.
Laverne: Is that a baby, Shirl. Look at his little feet.
Shirley: Don't stare.
Dr. Evil: Well then...(noticing Mini-Me trying to look under the table) Mini-Me, did you lose something?
Mini-Me looked up at Dr. Evil and shook his head.
Meanwhile, Laverne made her way to Dr. Evil.
Shirley: (noticing Laverne's disappearance) Laverne, get back over here!
Laverne turned around and knocked Frau's foot with her shoe.
Frau: (smiled and lifted her right brow at Dr. Evil) Un Spriggen se zut, doctor?
Dr. Evil: (trying to ignore the question) Anymore questions...anybody?
From underneath the table, "Ouch!"
Dr. Evil: All right! Whoever's under the frickin' table, remove themselves now!
Shirley pops her head up from beneath the table.
Shirley: (smiling sweetly) Hello.
Shirley gets up and brushes herself off neatly with her hand.
Dr. Evil: What are you doing in my secret volcano lair?!
Shirley: (sweetly) Well, sir...
Dr. Evil: It's doctor, not sir! I didn't spend 6 years in Evil Med--
Scott: Dad, chill. We've heard that lame ass story of yours before.
Shirley: (to Scott) He's your father?
Scott: Yeah..don't remind me.
Shirley: My name is Shirley Feeney.
Scott: Hey, I knew you looked familiar.
Shirley: You know me?
Dr. Evil arose from his chair, walked over to Mini-Me, and picked him up from where he was sitting.
Scott: I love you guys! Where's Laverne?
Laverne: (coming out from under the table) Right here. My knees hurt from crawling.
Scott: Wow! It's you!
Laverne: Yeah, it's me..who are you?
Scott: Your number one fan!
Laverne: Oh, that's nice.
Dr. Evil is in the corner of the room talking to Mini-Me and the thirty-two inch clone nodded.
Scott: ...I even watched the show on Nick at Nite!
Laverne: That's nice. (to Shirley) What is he talking about, Shirl?
Music begins. Over the loud spreakers played, "Making Our Dreams Come True," the theme to Laverne and Shirley, sung by, Cyndi Grecco.
Side by side, Dr. Evil and Mini-Me skip along chanting, "One..two..three..four..five..six..seven..eight.. Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated..."
Dr. Evil points to Number 2 for his cue.
Number 2: (singing) We're gonna do it.
Dr. Evil: (singing) Give us any chance we'll take it, read us any rule we'll break it, we're gonna make our dreams come true..."
Number 2: (singing) Doing it our way.
They continue with the song and soon everyone is joining in singing the chorus. By almost the end of the song, Dr. Evil, Mini-Me, Frau, Scott, and Number 2 are doing the can-can.
Everyone: ...making our dreams come true for me and you!
Shirley started clapping and Laverne slowly joined in.
Shirley: (throwing up her arms) You should headline on "Ed Sullivan!"
Mini-Me wanders off. Scott walks over to Shirley and puts his arm around her.
Scott: You guys rock, man!
Dr. Evil: All right, enough. This getting way too mooshy.
Scott: Dad, can I keep them?
Dr. Evil: (condescending) Sure, and while we're at it, why don't I get you a pony?
Mini-Me comes out of one of the back rooms holding two familiar figures that resemble our favorite bottle cappers. He began chewing on the figure's head. Scott noticed Mini-Me's attrotious actions against a classic icon and called him on it.
Scott: Stop it!
Dr. Evil: Scott, is there a problem?
Scott: Yes! Your Mini-You has my Laverne and Shirley dolls!
Dr. Evil: Scott, aren't you a little old to be playing with dolls?
Scott: But they're mine! (to Mini-Me) Give them back you midget freak!!
Dr. Evil: There will be no harsh words in my lair...!
Squiggy: P-U!
Squiggy presses channel up.
Scene 4
The Golden Girls (For Squeaky!)
INT. Kitchen
Rose Nylund , Blanche Devereaux , and Dorothy Zbornak are sitting at the kitchen table talking over cheese cake. Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy's elderly mother, is standing next to her grey haired daughtar.
Blanche: I remember when I was pregnant. The doctor told me to lie on my back.
Sophia gets ready to speak and Dorothy places her hand over her mother's mouth.
Dorothy: Don't say anything, ma.
Just then, Laverne and Shirley appear in the background.
Shirley: (looks around) Where are we?
Laverne: I don't know, Shirl..could it be..a kitchen?
Rose: (sees Laverne and Shirley) Hey look, it's Laverne and Shirley!
Sophia: I thought that show ended 3 years ago.
Blanche: Yeah, didn't Penny Marshall direct that one movie with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell?
Dorothy: No, Blanche, that was Garry Marshall.
Blanche: Damn, Kurt Russell has a cute butt!
Rose: No, I mean the're here in the kitchen.
Laverne and Shirley duck down into a corner behind the counter.
Dorothy: Where, I don't see anything.
Blanche: Neither do I.
Sophie: (to Rose) I do..I see a woman that needs to get her head examined.
Rose: You know, this reminds me of a story. Back in Saint Olaf, there was a man named Hanza Ectorfugon who claimed he saw Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck steal apples from Mrs. Roogastofen's tree...
Squiggy: That is ridiculous! Everybody knows Bugs Bunny eats carrots.
He flips around the channels again.
Scene 5
Cybill
INT. Livingroom
Lenny and Squiggy see Cybill Shepherd and start making kissy noises while Lenny bites his palm.
Cybill enters the livingroom with her best friend, Maryanne,who is wearing a purple skirt suit with a pink blouse, and following two steps behind her. They make their way to the couch.
Maryanne: Darling, you really should consider joining me when I pour honey in Dr. DicK's (Maryanne's cheating ex-husband) mercedes gas tank, that way, you can take his BMW.
Cybill: Well, while you're at it, why don't we put a banana in his tail pipe.
Maryanne: No, that doesn't work too good, a lemon would stick much better.
They both laugh.
Laverne and Shirley appear by the fireplace.
Cybill: Maybe we could spread mayonnaise on the velvet seat covers.
Maryanne: Bravo, now you're thinking like a true stalker. (gets up off the couch) I'll make 2 martinis..can I get you anything?
Cybill: How about a sober friend?
Maryanne: Good luck in L.A.
Cybill: Oh yeah...then some pickled pigs feet will do.
Maryanne: Oh, that is disgusting.
Cybill: Hey, don't knock it till you come from the south.
Maryanne: That's quite all right, dear.
Maryanne goes into the kitchen and Cybill turns on the television. While flipping through the channels, she sees "Happy Days" is on.
Cybill: Maryanne, hurry up in there! "Happy Days" is on!
Maryanne: (peaking her head out of the kitchen) Cybill, where are the olives?
Cybill: They should be in the frige!
Maryanne: Well, I looked Cybill and they're not there!
Kevin, Cybill's son-in-law, came downstairs and headed for the kitchen.
Cybill: Hi, Kevin.
Kevin: (smiling) Hi, mother Sheriden.
Cybill: (thinking) I hate it when he calls me that.
Maryanne: (O.S.) Where the hell are the olives?!
Cybill: I think Rachel (Cybill's first born daughter, who is pregnant) ate them all last night!
Maryanne: (O.S) You mean I have to have a martini without an olive?! I'd rather die!..No wait..I'd rather have Dr. DicK die!!! Die Dick, Die!
Kevin: I'll go help Maryanne.
Cybill: Be careful. She's dangerous without her olives!
Kevin goes into the kitchen. Shirley sneezes.
Cybill: Gezundheit! (beat) Hey! (she turns around and sees Laverne and Shirley) Who are you and what are you doing in my house?
Shirley: Well..you see...
Cybill: Hey, I know you! You're Laverne and Shirley! I auditioned for the show but Garry said I was too sexy for the role. He did give me a role on "Joanie Loves Chauchi!"
Laverne: Let's sneak out the back...
Laverne and Shirley turn around and slowly move toward the other room.
Cybill: I have milk and Pepsi.
Laverne stops abruptly and faces toward Cybill who has just muted "Happy Days." They go into the kitchen with Cybill. Maryanne, who managed to find another jar of olives, is mixing her martini. Cybill opens the refrigerator and reaches inside for the two items. The she gets two glasses from the cabinet, then places everything on the counter, and mixes the drinks.
Laverne takes a sip.
Laverne: Mmmmmm!
Maryanne: Yick!
Laverne: Hey, it's not so bad, why don't you try it?
Maryanne, in her infinite wisdom, with her exceptional vocabulary skills, says, "Oh...kay."
Laverne: Yeah, that's the spirit, always keep yourself open to new experiences.
Maryanne: (takes the glass in her hand and before drinking) You know, I always thought this drink sounded so vulgar. (takes a sip and coughs) I was right.
There's a knock on the back door in the kitchen. Ira Woodbine, Cybill's second ex-husband, stood at the door peaking through the clear glass window. Cybill opens the door.
Ira: Hey, Cyb. I was wondering if Zoey was ready to go to the movies.
Ira came through the door wearing a green plaid sports jacket with a dark red T-shirt under it, faded blue jeans, and brown lofers.
Cybill: (looking at his outfit and trying not to laugh) I don't know, I'll check.
Ira: Hi, Maryanne.
Maryanne: Well, if it isn't one of Santa's elves. Out a bit early, aren't you? Then again, I've never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Well, except for that one time, but I digress. Does this work the same as it does with Santa? Do I have to sit on your lap or do you have to sit on mine.
Maryanne gives Ira a big smile.
Ira: Ha, ha. This is very funny coming from the Purple People Eater.
Maryanne: Oh Ira, where did you pick that up from? The playground?
Shirley: (laughs) Maryanne, what a wit you have!
INT. Livingroom
Cybill goes into the livingroom and calls from the stairway.
Cybill: (pig call) Zooooooey!
Zoey, Ira and Cybill's only child, came rushing down the stairs. The red-headed 17 year old, came eye to eye with her mother.
Zoey: Yes, mother?
Cybill: Your father's here to take you to the movies.
Zoey: Okay.
INT. Kitchen
Ira: Cindy Williams? Wow, you're even prettier in person.
Shirley: (smiling and fixing her hair) Thank you...
Laverne: Her name ain't Cindy, it's Shirley.
Maryanne: Well, I've heard of method actors, but you two really take the cake.
Shirley: What's she talking about, Laverne?
Laverne: I think she's asking if we're Methodists.
Shirley: No, I'm Protestant...
Laverne: And I'm Catholic.
Cybill enters the kitchen.
Maryanne: Tell me girls, do you live with several men in white coats?
Shirley: (retorts) No, we live together, no one else.
Maryanne: Oh, one of those types of couples, how interesting. So tell me, how long have you two been together?
Shirley: We've been together since Jr. High.
Maryanne: Wow, that sure is a long time.
Laverne: Not that long.
Zoey enters the room.
Zoey: (condescending) Oh look, another pair of bad celebrity impersonators trying to capitalize on a television franchise that died over 15 years ago. Do tell me, what brings you to such a low in your career that you would be doing two sitcom characters from over a decade ago.
Shirley is frightened by Zoey's overly cynical point of view.
Ira: come on, Zoey, we're going to be late for the 7:20p.
Zoey: Hey, dad! This time, can we see something with true life characters and an actual plot?
Ira: (condescending) Yeah! As long as your paying.
Zoey: (cynical) Okay then, the same old mindless Hollywood propaganda will have to do.
Ira opens the door.
Cybill: Bye, honey. Have fun.
Ira and Zoey exit.
Cybill walks to the refrigerator, opens the door, and gets out a jar.
Cybill: Could I interest ya'll in some pickled pigs feet?
Laverne and Shirley cringe at the site of the contents of the jar.
Laverne: No thanks, we had a big lunch.
Cybill opens the jar, offers one to Maryanne, who also cringes, and takes a bite.
Cybill: Mmmm! I sure love pickled pigs feet!
Laverne takes one last sip of her Milk and Pepsi and goes into the livingroom with Shirley. You can see that the "Happy Days" ending credits have started.
Rachel and Kevin enter by coming down the stairs.
Rachel: Kevin, we haven't been out anywhere since William was born!
Kevin: Are you blaming all this on me?
Rachel: Well, you haven't found a job yet and we can't stay at my mother's house forever!
Kevin: I told you, Rachel, I've been looking.
Rachel: Well, Kevin..(looks at the television set) I don't want to talk about this anymore now because Laverne and Shirley is getting ready to start.
Kevin: Fine!
Rachel: Fine!
Squiggy: Hey, this is gettin good! Two pretty blondes now!
Lenny: But didn't they mention "Laverne and Shirley" as being a show?
Squiggy: Nah, if it was, it would be called, "Lenny and Squiggy," right?
Lenny sat there confused.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] Say, right.
Lenny: Right.
Squiggy: You know, Len, I wish we could have our own show.
Squiggy put his fingers on the remote and accidently pressed "RECORD!"
Back to "Cybill"
Maryanne and Cybill make their way to the livingroom and sit down on the couch with Rachel, Laverne relaxes in the recliner, while Shirley sits on the arm of the couch next to Maryanne.
Rachel: I sure love this show. (Nick at Nite logo) It's getting ready to start, unmute it!
Cybill grabs the remote and unmutes it.
You see, not Laverne and Shirley, but Lenny and Squiggy skipping down the sidewalk side by side chanting, "One..Two..Three..Four..Five..Six..Seven..Eight.. Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated..."
They listened to the beginning credits.
Shirley: Why is Carmine dressed like a girl?
Laverne: Why are Lenny and Squiggy living in our apartment?
["Lenny and Squiggy" opening scene]
Lenny is making breakfast while Squiggy tosses around Boo Boo Kitty.
Squiggy: What are we havin', Len.
Lenny: The usual.. Spam-Banana surprise!
Squiggy: Mmmm!
There's a knock at the door.
Squiggy: I wonder who it could be!
Lenny: Well, why don't you go find out!
Squiggy opens the door. At the door, stood Carmen (not Carmine) the exotic dancer/drag queen and Squiggy's love interest.
Carmen: (singing; to the tune of "Rags to Riches") "I love to wear pink frilly dresses!..."
Squiggy: (blushing) Oh, Carmen..
Carmen: You look great, Squiggy!
Squiggy: (looks down to see that he's still wearing pajamas) But Carmen, I'm not descent!
Squiggy finds one of Lenny's coats lying about and puts it on, covering himself up.
Lenny: Do you want ketchup on your spam?
Laverne: He's wearing my "L's!"
Shirley notices that Laverne isn't wearing an "L."
Laverne gets up and changes the channel.
Rachel: What are you doing? I love that episode.
Rachel begins to pout. Cybill puts her arm around her daughter.
Maryanne: Oh, cut the crap, Rachel. That episode was never one of my favorites.. and are you forgetting that Laverne is a guest in Cybill's house?
Laverne flips through the channels and stops on the "E!" True Hollywood Story. She sees pictures of Lenny and Squiggy. Laverne sat back down on the couch and watched the show.
["E!" True Hollywood Story -- "Lenny and Squiggy"]
Narrator: The show that raised the brows of America, "Lenny and Squiggy."
You see a clip of Carmen coming into their apartment singing, "I love to wear pink frilly dresses!..."
Narrator: As an inspiration from his sister, Penny, Garry Marshall devised a sitcom vehicle to give Penny, and her best friend, Cindy Williams, to show the world what they could really do. Having just returned from the premire of "American Graffiti," Cindy was told of the approval of their show. The night before the first taping of the pilot episode, Penny and Cindy went out to celebrate unknowing of the fate which would befall them. Driving home from a pre-taping party, Penny and Cindy, having had a considerable amount of alcohol that evening, and being rather zealous about their new show, were not paying attention to the wet and curvey Southern California roads, when they came upon a speeding semi and crashed head on launching both actresses head first into the grill of the truck, crushing their skulls and mangling their bodies until it was unrecognizable which parts of which actress belonged to each other.
[CONT'D] With the intense force of the collision, the small car that the actresses had been driving in was sent flying across the street breaking through the road buriers and over the cliff, carryin several pieces of the mutilated young women and scattering the pieces about the side of the cliff. After the 6 hour man search, the fragments of what was to be a television partnership, was assembled and cremated, and currently remain in two separate Urns in the office of Garry Marshall.
[CONT'D] After this tragedy, Garry Marshall decided to continue to make the series in such a way that it would break all conventional bounds of television. Transforming the secondary characters of Lenny and Squiggy into the more likable main characters of what was to be Laverne and Shirley.
On the screen, you see a picture of Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams..
Laverne: Hey, that's me!
Shirley: And that's...
Cybill: But if you're Penny and Cindy, that means..
Rachel: You're dead.
Cybill: I see dead people.
Maryanne: That's it, I'm going home.
She grabs to martinis off the table and heads for the door. when she opens it, Ira and Zoey are getting ready to enter.
Maryanne: (grabs Ira) Come on, Ira, let's go have coffee.
Ira: But Maryanne, you don't drink coffee.
Maryanne: Ira, you never listen to what I say, why start now.
Maryanne and Ira exit.
Zoey walks in and sees everyone's pale white faces.
Zoey: What's wrong? Did you find out that Mr. Ed really couldn't talk?
Cybill: No, it's Laverne and Shirley.
Zoey: Who's that?
Cybill: They're right her--
When she looked around, they were gone.
Zoey: Mom, you're being weirder than normal, are you okay?
The room grew cold and empty and the light went down.
Rod Sterling: I you should ever come upon a remote controlled gadget, which could send you through multiple channels and multiple dimensions, think twice, because you could end up in...THE TWILIGHT ZONE!
Back To Part Two
To Tying The Knot In Boo Boo Kitty's Dancing Shoes
(Close This Window To Return To LAS Fic)