Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
From last we left off, Laverne and Shirley had gone to the Pizza Bowl, leaving Caroline home to welcome her future beau. In the meantime, Emily went to Carmine's Dance Studio where a tango lesson ended with a date.
Scene 1
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Two Weeks Later
Laverne and Shirley came home and reclined on the couch to watch 77 Sunset Strip. As the show rolled the open credits, the door opened and Maggie came in causing a considerable amount of noise.
Maggie: See ya later, Pirranah!
As Maggie closed the door, you could hear the roar of the motorcycle as it took off down the street.
Shirley: I'm glad you finally came home.
Maggie: It's only 9 o'clock.
Shirley: You were supposed to be home by 8:30p.
Maggie: (cynically) You're not my mother.
Laverne: (forceful tone) Hey! I'm your cousin! So apologize to Shirley and go to your room!
Maggie: No.
Laverne: Well then say good-bye to Phantom...
Maggie: Pirranah!
Laverne: I'm not finished! If you don't adjust your attitiude young lady, I'm gonna break your arms and possibly your legs! Now apologize!
Maggie: I'm sorry.
Laverne: Go to your room.
Maggie: I can't.
Laverne: And why's that?
Maggie: Because I'm already in my room.
Laverne: Well then go to our room!
Maggie: I hate living here!
She stomped into their room and slammed the door.
Laverne: What did we ever do to deserve that?
Shirley: I don't know. Let's watch the rest of this show.
Their eyes were fixated on the screen as it instantly went to commercial.
Laverne: Great! I missed the first part of the show. Shirl, do you see grey hairs?
Laverne put her fingers through her hair trying to find grey hairs.
Shirley: Laverne, don't be ridiculous. Maggie is a sweet girl.
Laverne: Yeah, when she's asleep.
Shirley: Oh Laverne. (Beat) Look, it's back on.
Laverne: Whoa! Jeff just karate chopped that guy!
Shirley: Yeah and he didn't even see it coming.
There's a knock at the door. Laverne gets up to answer. In the doorway stood Diana with a painful look in her eyes. She was holding a mini stuffed iguana in her hands.
Laverne: Hey, Diana.
Diana: (choking up) Can we talk?
Laverne: Sure, come in. Shirl, turn off the t.v.
Diana: I don't mean to disturb you with what you're watching.
Shirley: Oh Heavens no. We've seen it before.
Laverne: Yeah, it's not even our favorite.
Shirley turned off the television set and made room for Diana on the couch.
Shirley: Can I get you anything, Diana? Fruit? Tea..lemonade?
Diana: Nothing, thank you. I just need someone to talk to.
Shirley: What's wrong?
Diana: (holding back tears) I think that Len-- (begins to cry) I'm sorry. This is so hard for me.
Laverne: It's okay. Take a deep breath.
Diana takes a deep breath and exhales.
Diana: The other night, I went out to dinner with Lenny and he had something important that he wanted to tell me. Well, I thought he was going to pop the question...
Blur to:
INT. Restaurant ~ Evening
Lenny and Diana sat at a table near a window. Two candles were lit between both of them.
Lenny: You look really nice, Diana.
Diana: (smiling) Oh Lenny..
Lenny: I was going to wait till after we ate to tell you this but..Diana...
Before he could say anything else, Squiggy entered the Restaurant with a tall brunette on his arm.
Squiggy: Hey Lenny!
He walked over to their table.
Squiggy: Stay put, Theresa. I'll get some more chairs.
He grabbed two chairs from the table across from them.
Maryanne: For the last time, my name isn't Theresa. It's Maryanne!
Squiggy: Sit down, Maryanne.
She sat down and glanced over at Lenny and Diana.
Maryanne: Pardon me, but is that wine I see at the end of the table?
Lenny: Yes. It's imported from Canada..or was it France?
Maryanne: Let me see the bottle.
Lenny passed the bottle to Maryanne.
Diana: Squiggy, you haven't introduced us to your friend.
Squiggy: Who Lenny? You know him...
Diana: No, I mean your girlfriend.
Squiggy: Oh, her. This is Theresa Yudawitch.
Maryanne: It's pronounced 'Yucavech'...I dropped Theresa and go by my middle name which is, Maryanne.
Diana: Nice to meet you. I'm Diana Von Squiggman and this is Lenny Kosnowski.
Maryanne took a second glance at the wine bottle.
Maryanne: Do you two dine out a lot?
Lenny: Occasionally, yes.
Diana: Why do you ask?
Maryanne: For one thing, the year on this wine bottle says 1960.
Lenny: I can have the waiter look for more bottles. That was the freshest date he could find.
Maryanne: No, no, darling. Allow me.
Maryanne calls for the waiter.
Waiter: Oui, Madame.
Maryanne: Take this bottle back and bring me a '41 Bordeaux.
The waiter nodded and took away the bottle.
Diana: Wow, you sure do know your wine.
Maryanne: It's a hobby I've taken up.
Lenny: Squiggy collects moths.
Maryanne: Squiggy? I thought your name was Andrew.
Squiggy: Yeah, well, uh, Squiggy's my nickname.
Maryanne: Oh. Excuse me. I'm going to the ladies room.
Diana: I'll go with you.
Squiggy: There they go in pairs again.
They made their way to the ladies room.
Lenny: Squig, could you and Maryanne leave me and Diana alone to talk? You know..
Squiggy: Oh, I gotcha. I think I'm gonna take Maryanne back ta my love-nest.
INT. Ladies Room
Maryanne reapplied her make-up. Diana came out of the stall.
Diana: So, are you having fun?
Maryanne: Fun? I'm going out with a short oily monkey.
Diana: Well, I'm the monkey's cousin.
Maryanne: I'm sorry, darling.
Diana:(smiling) It's okay. Squiggy can be irritable and disgusting at times.
Maryanne: Well, if he wasn't a television producer, I'd...
Diana: He's not.
Maryanne: Why that lying little bastard. No offense, honey.
Diana: Are you going to dump him?
Maryanne: And give him the pleasure of screwing another girl with his monkey lies..no.
Diana: (smiling) Well, I'm going back to Lenny now.
Maryanne: I'll be right there, Diana.
Diana left the ladies room and returned back to the table.
Squiggy: (to Lenny) Are we outta whipped cream?
Lenny got up from his chair.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] I didn't mean for you ta go out and buy some now. All you had ta do was say no.
Lenny pulled out Diana's chair and she gracefully sat down.
Diana: Thank you, Lenny.
Squiggy: What are you thanking him for? I didn't see you rush ta pull his chair away from him.
Maryanne approached the table. Lenny, being the gentlemen that he is, pulled out Maryanne's chair for her.
Maryanne: Thank you, darling. Remind me to tip you later.
Lenny: So, Squig.
Squiggy: So, what?
Lenny whispers something in his ear.
Squiggy: Oh, right.
Diana tries to pop the cork on the wine bottle.
Maryanne: Allow me.
Maryanne took the bottle, put it between her legs, and popped the cork with extreme haste.
Diana: You are amazing.
Maryanne: Oh pish..it just takes skill.
Maryanne poured her and Diana some wine into their champagne flutes.
Diana: It's odd that you're using champagne flutes with wine.
Lenny: That's what the waiter said.
Maryanne: Well technically, champagne is a white wine from the champagne region of France. So I would suppose wine can be served in champagne flutes. It's just not the best ettique.
They both take a sip.
Diana: This is exquisite.
Lenny and Squiggy poured themselves some wine and took a sip.
Maryanne: Well, it should be. It's a $200 wine.
Lenny and Squiggy spit out their wine.
Squiggy: You're right, Len. We better get outta here. Come on, Theresa.
Maryanne: Maryanne.
Squiggy: Her too.
Maryanne: Wait!
Maryanne took the rest of her wine and shifted it.
Maryanne: [CONT'D] Now let's go. Nice meeting everyone. Maybe we can do it again sometime.
They exit.
Diana sat at the table smiling. Lenny looked at her with eyes that could melt the inside of a grocer's freezer.
Lenny: Diana?
Diana: Yes, Lenny?
Lenny: We have to talk.
Diana: All right, Lenny Bear. What do you want to talk about?
Lenny: Well..us.
Diana: Oh?
Lenny: Diana, do you.. I mean, are you..
Diana: Yes?..
Lenny: Do you like Batman or Superman?
Diana: Lenny, what does that have to do with us?
Lenny: I was just askin'.
Diana: Um..Superman, I guess.
Lenny: Diana, I wanna lay all these eggs on the table.. I like you a lot. I mean, when I went out with you, I didn't wanna be with anyone else. You're so sweet and pretty and you never spit when you talk. I just...
Diana: Lenny, are you asking me to..
Lenny: You don't think it's wrong that we see other people.
Diana: See other people? Are you sure that you want to do this? I mean.. wait a minute. I'm not one to point fingers but..are you seeing someone else?
Lenny: Yes, but I never wanted to hurt you.
Diana: Well Lenny, if you didn't want to hurt me, then you could have just run me over with your beer truck. I hope you and your new girlfriend will be happy together.
She exited.
Blur back to:
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment
Diana: [CONT'D] ...So I went back to my apartment where I stayed and finally pulled myself together to come over here.
Laverne: Aw..and you brought your little iguana with you. Did he give that to you?
Diana: Yep, on our third date. He took me to an iguana track.
Laverne: Aw, and they race those little iguanas around the track.
Diana: Yeah. That was a special night for us because he said, "I love you" to me for the first time.
Shirley: You still love him, don't you?
Diana nodded.
Laverne: Well then, fight for him.
Shirley: Laverne, that's not very lady like.
Laverne: Shirl, she said that she still loves him. Why not show the other bimbo who's boss, heh?
Laverne and Shirley started bickering at each other.
Diana sighed and left their apartment without Laverne and Shirley noticing. Maggie came out of their bedroom.
Maggie: What are you two yelling about?
Laverne: Where'd Diana go?
Maggie: (sarcasm) Maybe your deafening cries frightened her away.
Laverne: Maggie, you're not helping matters...
Maggie: I know, I know. Go to your room, Maggie.
Laverne: You learn fast, kid.
Maggie: One day, when I marry 'Cary Grant' or 'James Dean,' then you'll be sorry.
Laverne: Yeah and I may be sorry for doing this too.
She rolled up her sleeves and stepped slowly toward Maggie.
Maggie: Buh-bye.
She went back into their bedroom. Laverne went into the kitchen while Shirley curled up on the couch.
Laverne: (opening the refrigerator door) You know, Shirl..life has a way of handing you sour lemons every now and then.
The door opened and Squiggy stood there with a terrified look on his face.
Squiggy: Hide me! Help me! Save me!
Laverne: Why? Is my pop after you again for stuffing pizza dough in the bowling ball holes?
Squiggy: No, that crazed landlady let four 'rabbit' doberman into our apartment.
Laverne: Mrs. Babish?..nah!
Squiggy: If ya don't believe me..look!
He turned around and they saw that Squiggy had a few rips in his jeans.
Squiggy: I was lucky that I turned around or those dogs woulda' bit my..
Shirley: Enough! Enough! Say no more!
Squiggy: What's her problem?
Laverne: Nothing a little R&R won't do.
Squiggy: Oh, so you're into that kinda stuff too.
Laverne: Squig, I think you should..
Squiggy: Look, Laverne..I don't wanna beat around the roses, but I think that, that Mrs. Babish is out ta get me!
Laverne: I'm sure it's all one big misunderstanding.
Shirley: Yeah, why don't you and Lenny go back up to your apartment and...wait, where's Lenny?
Squiggy: Well, as they were comin' at me, I got scared, and pushed Lenny in their path.
A scream came from the hall upstairs. Lenny ran outside and down the street. In the distance, you could hear the barking and snarling of doberman who were hungry for blood.
Squiggy: I never knew Lenny could run dat fast.
Laverne and Shirley ran outside to help Lenny.
Squiggy: (shouting out the window) Ya don't have ta run after Lenny 'cause he's real good at climbin' trees!
Maggie opened the door and peeked out through the crack. Squiggy went to the kitchen and took Laverne's 'Scooter Pies,' opened one, and began eating it. Maggie opened the door even more. While Squiggy was hypnotized by the delectable treat, Maggie snuck out the already open door.
Scene 2
INT. Pizza Bowl - Two Days Later
Carmine, Squiggy, and Maryanne, sat at the tables while Laverne helped wait on the costumers.
Maryanne: Andrew, I can't believe you took me to a common blue collar pizzaria. What next, pork on a stick? Oh wait, that would be an improvement, wouldn't it?
Squiggy: Okay, Theresa.
Maryanne: And stop calling me Theresa. My name is Maryanne!
Squiggy: Hey Laverne, get over here!
Laverne sauntered over to their table where she got out her little notepad and pencil.
Laverne: Hey, Squig. What can I get you guys?
Squiggy: I'll have a large pizza, hold the anchovies, and a beer. What do ya want MaryJoe?
Maryanne: It's Maryanne, you slimy little grease head!
Squiggy: Okay, but leave my little greasy head out of it.
Maryanne: (rolling her eyes) I'll have a vodka martini with two olives.
Laverne: Sorry, but there ain't no bar here.
Maryanne: This is earth, isn't it?
Laverne: All we have is Shotz Beer.
Maryanne: I suppose that will do. (thinking) That rat bastard thinks he can call me some hillbily name and get away with it. Well, he has another thing coming.
Laverne goes into the back. Carmine gets up from his chair and approached Squiggy's table.
Carmine: Hey Squig, who's your friend?
Squiggy: MaryJane, Big Raccoon, Big Raccoon, MaryJane.
Carmine: Squiggy, I warned you that if you called me the 'Big Raccoon' again, I'd dent your face.
Squiggy: I meant to say, 'Ragoo.' They all sound the same.
Carmine: Don't do it again!
Maryanne: By the way, my name is Maryanne, not MaryJane.
Carmine: Squiggy, can I talk to you alone outside?
Squiggy: But..but..
Carmine lead Squiggy by the seat of his pants outside. Meanwhile, Emily came out of the girls room and sat where Carmine was sitting. Maryanne glaced at her for a brief second. Laverne returned from the back with a large pizza and two beers.
Laverne: Here's your pizza and your two beers. Where'd Squiggy go?
Maryanne: He had to step out for a moment. (thinking) I hope he breaks his neck!
Laverne: Can I get you anything else?
Maryanne: Um, how about some Kyan Pepper. (smiling) I just love spicy pizza.
Laverne: Comin' up.
Laverne went behind the counter and brought her the pepper that she asked for. She then advanced herself to Carmine's table where Emily waited patiently for her raging bull.
Laverne: Hi, Emily.
Emily: Hello, Laverne.
Laverne: Shirley ain't here.
Emily: I know that. Besides, I'm on a date.
Laverne: Oh really? (gets close to Emily) Anyone I know?
Emily: Well, he's...
Maryanne: Excuse me, waitress.
Laverne: I'll be right back, Em.
Maryanne handed her the pepper with excessive glee.
Maryanne: (smiling) All done!..Here.
Along with the pepper, she also handed Laverne a twenty dollar bill.
Laverne: Wow! That's more than we make in two days at the brewery.
Maryanne: Well, you deserve it, darling.
Carmine entered the Pizza Bowl with his coat in one hand and Squiggy's head in the other.
Carmine: Now Squig, are you going to stop referring to me as the 'Big Raccoon?'
Squiggy: (nervous laugh) I never heard of him.
Carmine: Then how about apologizing to Maryanne over there.
Squiggy: Well...
Carmine tightened up on Squiggy's head causing him to gasp for air.
Squiggy: Okay, all right. You don't have ta get violent. Will ya free my head?
Carmine loosened his grip on Squiggy's neck and backed away. Squiggy slowly approached his table where Maryanne was waiting.
Squiggy: Uh, Mary--anne, I'm sorry for callin' ya all those other girlie names. Will ya forgive me?
Maryanne: Of course, darling. Sit.
Squiggy sat down.
Squiggy: Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were gonna...
Maryanne: Your pizza is getting cold. Eat up.
Squiggy: You're right. What was I thinking?
Squiggy sunk his teeth into the savory hot pizza. Maryanne sat and smiled at him. He had sauce dripping off his chin as he was indulging each and every bite.
Maryanne: Delicious, darling?
Squiggy: (with his mouth full) Mmmm! It's really--
Squiggy began to feel the heat building up in his mouth.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Maryanne: (innocently) What on earth do you mean?
Squiggy started to fan himself vigorious.
Squiggy: How could it be this hot in January?
Maryanne: It's March.
Squiggy: That would explain the green.
Maryanne: Are you all right, sweetheart? You look a little red.
Squiggy: I need a drink.
Maryanne: (smiling) You read my mind.
Maryanne opened her purse and took out a small bottle of vodka.
I keep this around when I'm...
He picked up his beer and took a long sip. Without hesitation, he spit the beer out onto the floor.
Maryanne: [CONT'D] ...on a mission to destroy.
Squiggy: THIS STUFF IS HOT!
He went to Carmine's table, grabbed his beer, and guzzled it down.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] (sigh of relief) Thanks a lot, Carmine. You're a real pal.
Emily gave Squiggy a 'go away, you're making me sick' look. Squiggy went back to his table.
Carmine: Can I get another beer over here?
Emily looked into Carmine's puppy brown eyes.
Emily: So Carmine, how would you feel if we went somewhere else?
Carmine: (half smile) Where?
Emily: Inspiration Point.
Carmine: (grinning) Let's go.
He helped her up from her chair and hand in hand, they were out the door. Laverne got a mop and cleaned up the beer puddle on the floor. She noticed Carmine holding Emily's hand, thought for a moment, and shook her head without further concern.
Squiggy overheard Emily and Carmine's destination and suggested the same to Maryanne. She refused and told him to take her home.
Scene 3
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Day
Shirley kneeled on the floor and reached underneath the couch trying to find her diary. Laverne came out of the bedroom with Shirley's diary in her hand.
Laverne: Lose something?
Shirley: I'm trying to find my diary.
Laverne: Well you're not gonna find it under there.
Shirley got up and faced Laverne.
Shirley: All right, Laverne. Tell me, where is my diary?
Laverne: It's right here.
She held up Shirley's book of personal thoughts.
Shirley: Where did you find it?
Laverne: In a box.
Shirley: A box?
Laverne: Yes. A box that read "Send to: Peek-A-Boo Publishing Company."
Shirley: Who would do such a thing?
Laverne: I know exactly who did it.
Shirley: Who?
Laverne: Maggie.
Shirley: Why would she do such a thing? She's such a sweet girl. Besides, we don't have proof.
Laverne: Shirl, it said, 'Maggie DeFazio' on the front of the box.
There was a knock at the door. Shirley approached the door, still arguing with Laverne.
Shirley: (low voice) Who is it?
Caroline: It's me, Shirley.
Shirley: Caroline?
She opened the door, swung open her arms, and gave Caroline a big hug.
Caroline: Hi, Shirley. What a welcome.
Shirley: Well, I haven't seen you in two weeks.
Caroline: I've been out a lot.
Shirley: Really?
Caroline: Yeah. I have a new boyfriend.
Shirley: Ooo! Come in and sit on the couch and tell us all about him.
Caroline was rushed, by Laverne, to the couch for hot details.
Shirley: Laverne, she could have walked to the couch by herself.
Laverne: I didn't wanna waste any time.
Caroline: Well girls, this is gonna sound strange but...
The door opened.
Squiggy: Hell-o!
Laverne: Uh-oh! You said the magic words.
Squiggy: Ah-ha! I knew I'd find ya here!
Laverne: But I live here.
Squiggy: Not you! Lenny's love toy!
Squiggy pointed to Caroline.
Laverne: (to Caroline) You're Lenny's love toy?
Caroline: (blushing) Well...
Squiggy: No, that's Lenny's pet name for her!
Caroline: I can explain.
Shirley: Squiggy, get out!
Squiggy: I have only one question.
Laverne: What is it, Squig?
Squiggy: (pointing his finger at Caroline) Was it you that took away Len's favorite iguana and replaced it with a real one?
Caroline: No.
Squiggy: (lowering his finger) Okay, jus' checkin'.
Laverne: Good-bye, Squiggy.
He exits.
There was a brief silence and Shirley looked at Caroline.
Shirley: Are you dating Lenny?
Caroline: (deep breath) Yes.
Shirley bit her right index finger and tried not to cry and squeal.
Caroline: I know that Lenny isn't exactly your ideal for me, but I'm not 16 anymore. I can date whom ever I want.
Shirley took her finger out of her mouth and placed both of the hands in her lap.
Shirley: You're right, Cara. I'm not one to tell you who you should or should not date.
Caroline: I really like him. He made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Laverne: Did you get goosebumps?
Caroline: It was more like a tingle.
Shirley: Well, if it makes you happy, then I guess I can't stand in your way.
Caroline: Well, I better go. Lenny and I are going to the iguana races tomorrow.
Caroline got up, gave Shirley a hug, and left the apartment.
Shirley went into the bedroom while Laverne ate a package of Scooter Pies that was left on the kitchen counter. She notices Boo Boo Kitty sitting on a chair near the street window. Laverne picked him up and went into the bedroom.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Bedroom
Shirley sat on her bed with a somber look on her face.
Laverne: Shirl, are you okay?
Shirley: I'm confused, that's all.
Laverne: I brought Boo Boo Kitty.
Shirley: Laverne, do you think I should side with Diana, someone I've know for only two years or Caroline, who I've known ever since she was born?