Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
EXT. Pizza Bowl - Night
Back Ground Music: “Big Girls Don’t Cry”
INT. Pizza Bowl – Night
The Pizza Bowl is pretty full for a Thursday night. Laverne and Shirley are sitting at a table together making plans for their 2 week vacation. A few tables away, Lenny and Squiggy are arm wrestling for beer.
Shirley: This is going to be so much fun, Laverne.
Laverne: I know. We’ll be able to see guys walk around in shorts.
Shirley: Yeah, but…
Laverne: But, what?
Shirley: I don’t want her to nag me.
Laverne: She’s your mother. Besides, I think we got through to her the last time.
Carmine walks in and goes over to Laverne and Shirley.
Carmine: Hi, Laverne.
Laverne: Hello, Carmine.
Carmine: Hi, Angel Face.
He leans over Shirley and kisses her.
Shirley: Hello, Sweetheart. (Beat) Sit down.
Carmine grabs a chair and sits next to Shirley.
Laverne: Carmine, where are you going to go on your vacation?
Carmine: I think I might drive to Chicago or St. Louis.
Shirley: With who, Carmine?
Carmine: I can drive by myself.
Shirley: What's her name, carmine?
Shirley and Carmine argue. Frank DeFazio approaches the table.
Frank: Laverne, I---HOLD IT!
Shirley and Carmine stop fighting.
Laverne: What is it, Pop?
Frank: I got a call from you Uncle Funji. He's leaving town for a week and he wants you to look after your cousin Maggie.
Laverne: (whining) But, Pop...
Frank: (throwing his hands up in the air) NO BUTS! IT'S DONE! END OF CONVERSATION! SHE'S COMING TOMORROW!
He walks back into the kitchen.
Laverne: There goes our vacation.
Carmine: Hmmm, Maggie. Where have I heard that name before?
Shirley: Wasn't she the girl who put super glue in Squiggy's hair tonic at graduation?
Laverne: Yeah. Squiggy's hand was stuck on his head for a week. His mother finally had to give him a haircut.
They all laughed.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's apartment
There's a knock at the door. Shirley answers. A girl, wearing a girl scouts uniform, stands in the doorway with flowers. Right next to her is Mrs. Babish with a suitcase that had a cursive "M" on it.
Mrs. Babish: Hello, girls. This is Maggie. Frank wanted me to bring her over.
Laverne: A lot of business at the Pizza Bowl?
Mrs. Babish: No. Lenny and Squiggy decided to play "Jell-O Bowl."
Laverne: Jell-O Bowl?
Mrs. Babish: Yeah. They dumped a big bucket of Jell-O on alley 5 and Lenny was the bowling ball.
Shirley: You mean he---
Mrs. Babish: Actually, girls, he went into the gutter.
Mrs. Babish: Squiggy tried to go after him but he slipped on the Jell-O, slid down the alley, and hit all 10 pins.
Laverne: So he has to clean up the Jell-O?
Mrs. Babish: No, he used Lenny's head for that.
Shirley: Why is he still there?
Mrs. Babish: Because when Squiggy hit the pins, he didn't get out in time. The cage door came down and Squiggy is stuck.
Mrs. Babish: I'm going to trick Lenny and Squiggy into giving me next months rent.
Shirley: Good luck.
Mrs. Babish: Bye, girls.
Laverne and Shirley say goodbye.
Mrs. Babish exits.
Laverne takes Maggie's suitcases into the bedroom. Maggie sits on the couch.
Shirley: (smiling) So, Maggie. How do you like America?
Laverne comes out of the bedroom.
Laverne: How are you two getting along? (Beat) Just say "hello."
Shirley: (sweetly) Hello.
Maggie: Buon giorno!
Shirley: You only speak Italian?
Maggie: Lo parlo poco.
Shirley: What did she say?
Laverne: I don't know. The only Italian I know is... (sings) "Volare, oh. Volare, oh, oh, oh,oh.
Shirley: All right. That's enough.
Maggie: Vorrei del Kool-Aid.
Laverne: I understood that.
Laverne: She wants Kool-Aid.
Shirley: I happen to have some in the refrigerator.
Laverne: I'll get the glasses.
The girls went into the kitchen. Maggie pulled from her pocket a whoopee cushion and put it under a couch cushion. Laverne and Shirley go back into the livingroom area.
Shirley: Maggie, I hope you like cherry.
She sat the Kool-Aid on the coffee table and sat down next to Maggie. The whoopee cushion went off and Shirley didn't smile. She looked at Laverne.
Shirley: [CONT'D] I bet this was all Lenny and Squiggy's doings.
Shirley: Those two need to be taught a lesson.
Maggie sat and twiddled her thumbs.
Shirley: [CONT'D] I got it! (Shirley ran to the dumb waiter) Lenny. Squiggy. Would you come down here?
Squiggy: We have company.
Shirley: At 2p in the afternoon?! Get down here!
Lenny/Squiggy: All right.
5 minutes later...
There's a knock at the door. Laverne answers. In the doorway stood Lenny, Squiggy, and...
Diana: Hi, Laverne.
Laverne: I thought you went to New Hampshire.
Diana: I did. I just came home last night.
Laverne: Well, come in. (Beat) Hey, Shirley, look who's here!
Shirley: (smiling) Diana.
Diana: Hi, Shirley.
Laverne: You know, I never noticed it before, but you two look a lot alike.
They both smiled. Diana noticed Maggie sitting on the couch.
Diana: Who's your friend?
Laverne: This is my cousin Maggie.
Laverne: She doesn't speak English.
Laverne: Well, everyone knows "hi." (Beat) Watch. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Maggie: He'd chuck the wood as much as he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Maggie grins at Laverne.
Laverne: Maggie Jane DeFazio! Why did you lie to us?!
Maggie: I didn't lie to you. I simply said that I knew very little Italian.
Shirley: Oh, Laverne. Leave the poor girl alone.
Laverne: Well, if she weren't my cousin, I'd give her a sock in the nose.
Diana: How old are you, Maggie?
Diana: Let me see, that would make you a...
Squiggy: Diana, excuse me. I thought you were gonna give Lenny and myself a bath.
Shirley's face filled with disgust.
Diana: Oh, would you look at the time. I'm late.
Squiggy: For what?
Diana: I have to wash my... (looks over at Boo Boo Kitty) ...cat.
Lenny: To think, your cat is taking a bath on the same day as Squiggy and me.
Diana: I'll see you later, girls.
Shirley: Bye, Shirley.
Squiggy: Who's gonna give us our bath?
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - 3 Days Later
Shirley is sitting on the couch next to Laverne eating kool-aid from her hand.
Laverne: Why are you eating Kool-Aid, Shirl? Aren't you supposed to drink it?
Shirley: I tried it the other day when Maggie wa eating it. Mmmmmm! It's good.
Laverne: You think milk and pepsi is strange?
Shirley: I can think of a lot stranger things, Laverne.
Laverne: Hi, boys.
Squiggy: (looks at Lenny) They didn't throw us out.
Lenny: Yes, very odd. Uh, Lav--
Squiggy: Hey, Len, let me try. (brief pause) You see, girls. Lenny and myself need dates for tomorrow and we were wondering if you'd...
Squiggy: Why not?
Shirley: Because the last time we went out with you, you introduced us as "Shirley Squiggman" and "Laverne Kosnowski" in front of a group of sailors, that's why.
Squiggy: They were friendly.
Shirley: You just don't get it! We don't want to go out with you!
Shirley: I'll spell it out for you! O-U-T!Spells out you go!!
Squiggy: Fine! We'll find better, classier dates! GOODBYE!
Squiggy slams the door on Lenny's finger.
Lenny: (O.S) Oooooooow!!!!
Squiggy: (O.S.) Don't worry, we'll put your finger out the window to dry.
Lenny: (O.S.) Okay.
Shirley bites her index finger and screams.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's bathroom
Shirley is in the shower while Laverne is getting ready for a hot date with Stan the mortician.
The phone rings.
Shirley is singing "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" and it s echoing throughout the apartment, because Laverne left the bathroom door open a crack.
Laverne: Hello? (pause) Who? (brief pause) Hold on one second. (covers the phone) Will you keep it down a little bit, Shirl?! I'm on the phone!
Shirley: (stops singing; O.S.) Okay, Laverne!
Laverne: (takes her hand off the phone) What was that again?
Laverne continued on the phone.
INT. Livingroom - 10 minutes later
Shirley comes out of the bathroom in her bathrobe and a towel on her head.
Shirley: Who was that on the phone, Laverne?
Laverne: Your cousin Jeanie.
Shirley: Reenie Feeney's teeny Jeanie?
Laverne: Yes, the Jeanie Feeney who married Deanie Feeney! (NOTE: Only by coincidence...it wasn't incest!)
Shirley: What did she want?
Laverne: Uh, Shirl, do you remember your cousin's daughters?
Laverne: Well, they're coming tomorrow.
Shirley: What about our vacation?
Laverne: Kiss it goodbye, Shirl.
Shirley: Well, I guess I'll return the bathing suit I bought yesterday and my "I Love Florida" handbook.
Laverne: Aw, you're killing me, Shirl.
Laverne goes into the bedroom while Shirley mopes around the apartment. Maggie walks in carrying a brown paper bag. Shirley sits motionless. Maggie sneaks behind the couch and pops the bag with great force:
Shirley jumps, knocking Laverne's milk and pepsi all over Laverne's new scarf.
Laverne: (O.S.) Shirl, could you hand me my new scarf.
Shirley hides the scarf under the couch, while Maggie sneaks behind the counter in the kitchen.
There's a knock at the door.
Stanley: Hello, Shirley. It's nice to see you up and around.
Shirley: (smiling and fixing her hair) What a wit you have. (giggles) Laverne is getting ready. (Beat) Have a seat on the couch.
Stanley: Laverne tells me you're planning something great for this years talent show.
Shirley: Oh, yes! It's going to be a "Jack and Jill" dance number. We'll be dressed as puppets.
Stanley: Well, it sounds interesting.
Laverne come out of the bedroom.
Shirley: (standing up and putting her hands together) Well, I guess you two better be on your way.
Laverne: But what about my scarf?
Shirley: Why waste your time looking for a scarf when you could be snuggling in the back of a hearse.
Shirley gets in between Stanley and Laverne.
Laverne: Okay, I'll have to wear it on our next date.
Shirley: That a girl.
Laverne: What are you going to do tonight?
Shirley: I think I'm going to bed early tonight. It's been a long day.
Shirley stretches out her arms and yawns.
Laverne: Well, good night, Shirl.
Stanley: Nice to see you again, Shirley. Goodnight.
Shirley: (high squeal) What am I going to do about her scarf? It's all discolored and smelly.
Lenny: Pay no mind to us, Shirley. We're just going to borrow your honey bear.
Squiggy grabs the bear and they exit quickly.
Shirley: Laverne has a date, Lenny and Squiggy have dates, and what do I have? Nothing, nada, zilch.
There's a knock at the door. Shirley gets up.
Shirley: (low voice) Who is it?
Carmine: It's me, Carmine!
She opens the door.
Shirley: Carmine, what are you doing here? I thought you were out with Bubble Schnek.
Carmine: No, she's ancient history.
Shirley: Mrs. Lockwash?
Carmine: She ran off with a guy we met in Europe.
Shirley: What about Muriel Block?
Carmine: She moved to Miami.
Shirley: Well, who are you out with Carmine?
Carmine: Nobody. I came down here to see if you would like to see a movie with me.
Shirley grabbed her coat and purse and they were out the door. Maggie came out from behind the counter. Boo Boo Kitty is sitting on the couch. Maggie approaches the cat and with out hesitation, knocks him on the floor.
Maggie: (chanting) "Boo Boo Kitty's on the floor. Soon that cat will be no more." (end chant)
There's a rustle at the door. Maggie hides behind the couch.
Mrs. Babish: The girls are out right now, but they should be home a little later. Make yourself at home. I'll be upstairs if you need me.
Two little brunnette girls come in with plaid luggage
Caroline: This is a nice place they got here.
Emily: Yes, lovely.
They both put down their luggage. Emily notices Boo Boo Kitty on the floor.
Emily: Look, there's Shirley's cat.
Caroline: Yeah, I wonder how he got on the floor.
Caroline picks up Boo Boo Kitty and gentle dusts him off.
Emily: What's this?
Caroline picks up an open container of Kool-Aid mix and sets Boo Boo Kitty gently on the couch.
Caroline: It says, "Cherry Kool-Aid Mix." You want some, Emily?
Maggie pops up from behind the couch.
Maggie: Drop it or you die!
Caroline: Who are you?
Maggie: Maggie DeFazio. I'm staying here with Laverne. She's my cousin. Who are you?
Caroline: I'm Caroline and this is my sister Emily. We're here to see our cousin Shirley.
Maggie: Oh, you must be Jeanie Feeney's little brats.
Caroline: Little? I'm 24 and Emily is 21. I would hardly call us little.
Maggie: Oooo! Is that supposed to make a big difference? (Beat) I'm going bowling. You two girls can fend for yourself.
INT. Living Room ~Later that night
The apartment is dark, the door cracks open, the light comes on, and Shirley enters with Carmine.
Shirley: I had a lovely time, Carmine.
Carmine: Me too, Angel Face.
There is an awkward silence.
Carmine: We're going bowling Friday, right?
There is sexual tension in the air.
Carmine: Well, I better--
Carmine opens the door.
Carmine: Bye, Shirl.
Shirley: Carmine, wait!
Carmine turns around and Shirley plants one on him. The kiss lasted 15 seconds. Carmine went back to his apartment with a smile on his face.
EXT. Pizza Bowl
Maggie is exiting.
Maggie: See ya later, Uncle Frank.
Maggie decided to take a walk around Milwaukee.
A while after Maggie left, Laverne and Stanley entered the Pizza Bowl. They held hands and sat down while gazing into each others eyes.
Stanley: You are so beautiful, Laverne.
Laverne: (modestly) Aw...(silence)...Go on...(silence) ... No, really. Go on.
Stanley: During the movie, I couldn't stop looking at you.
Laverne: Even when Godzilla stomped Tokyo?
Laverne: You're stunning.
Laverne smiled. He drew close, their lips almost touching.
She drew back.
Laverne: Hi, Pop.
Frank: What are you doing here?!
Laverne: I'm on a date, Pop.
Frank: (smiles) A date? (he gets close to Stanley) You try anything with her and I'll break your neck. (moves away from Stanley) Have fun, Muffin.
Laverne" All right, Pop.
Stanley: Uh, Laverne? Would it break your heart if we left here?
Laverne: let's go.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Later that night
Laverne and Stanley are kissing good night. Caroline wakes up after the light comes on. She is sitting up on the couch while Emily dreams away next to her.
Laverne: Goodbye, Stanley.
With one last kiss, he was out the door.
Caroline stared at Laverne.
Laverne: Hi, Cara.
Laverne yawns and heads for the bedroom.
A brief moment...
Laverne: Caroline! You're here!
Caroline: Yeah, so is Emily.
Laverne: But...(yawns) I'll talk about it tomorrow.
Emily is heading for the door.
Caroline: Emily, are you serious?
Emily: I know what I'm doing.
Caroline: Ugh! This must be a joke!
Caroline: Oh no!
Caroline and Lenny sat tediously on the couch with Squiggy draped across them.
Squiggy: ...and then ya mix it all together and let it dry. That way, ya don't have to wash your hair but only twice a year. (brief pause) Did I ever tell you about girls and their african-disiacs? Honey, for example. If you squeeze the honey bear right on their...
Lenny: Hey, Squig.
Lenny: Isn't today Thursday?
Squiggy: Yeah! They're gonna stream ream the pits! Oh boy!
They head for the door. Squiggy looks at Caroline with an extreme amount of guilt.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] Oh, all right, woman! I can see the pain in your face! I'm not deaf, blind, and unable to swell!
Squiggy moved close to Caroline and she backed away, pressing her head against the back of the couch.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] You make everything so tough, don'tcha?...Fine! Leonard?!
Lenny: Yes, boss?
Squiggy: Do your worst!
Lenny: (confused) Worst what?
Squiggy: (to Lenny) Kiss her.
Lenny: But we just met and...
Squiggy: Just do it! (Lenny stood motionless) Do I have to do everything?
He pulled Caroline up from the couch, Lenny closed his eyes, Squiggy pushed Caroline into Lenny, and their lips touched. And for one brief moment, something magical happened.
["This Magic Moment" plays]
Squiggy: EHEM! (record needle skids on record) Lenny, the pits, remember?
Lenny: (drawing back slow) Huh?
Caroline stood in front of Lenny with her eyes still closed, her heart racing, and feeling short-winded.
Squiggy: The pits, Lenny! The pits!
Lenny: I better go, Miss Feeney. Nice to meet you.
Squiggy pulled Lenny out the door causing him to fall down.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Late Afternoon
Laverne and Shirley went down to the Pizza Bowl to watch Carmine sing. Caroline stayed at home dreaming about her kiss with Lenny.
There's a knock at the door.
Caroline arose slowly as if she were floating on a cloud. She undid the latch and opened the door. In the doorway, stood Lenny with a jar of sauerkraut in one hand and some fresh daisies in another.
Caroline: Hi, um, would you like to come in?
He stepped in and tripped over his own shoe, causing him to fall into Caroline's arms.
Caroline: (feeling short of breath) Are you okay?
Lenny: I'm fine, you?
Caroline: (deep sigh and smiling) Fine...now.
She helps Lenny to the couch.
Lenny: Where are the girls?
Caroline: (sitting him on the couch) They're at the Pizza Bowl.
Lenny: Where's your sister?
Caroline: She went out and won't be back till later.
Lenny: Well, I guess it's just us.
He smiled and Caroline sat next to him on the couch.