Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
"Shoo Bee - Doo"
Written by: Madonna [From her "Like A Virgin" album]
Shoo bee doo bee doo ooh la la
When I look in your eyes
Baby here's what I see
I see so much confusion
And it's killing me
When I look in your eyes
Baby here's what I see
I see so much confusion
And it's killing me
Well I can't take it anymore, baby
Why don't you dry your eyes, try and realize
Love can open any door, and maybe
If you trust in me, I can make you see
Chorus:
Shoo bee doo bee doo ooh la la, come to me baby
Shoo bee doo bee doo ooh la la, don't say maybe
Shoo bee doo bee doo ooh la la, come to me baby
Shoo bee doo bee doo ooh la la
I can see you've been hurt before
But don't compare them to me
'Cause I can give so much more
You know you're all I see
Well I can make it on my own, baby
But I'd rather share all the love that's there
I don't want to be alone, and maybe
You will see the light, baby spend the night
(chorus)
Shoo bee doo bee doo
Shoo bee doo bee doo, baby
Come to me baby
Pretty darling, don't say maybe
*******************************
Scene 1
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Evening
The apartment was dark because Laverne and Shirley were at the Pizza Bowl. There was a rustling noise at the door which was now ajar. The lights came on and kissing franticly were Maggie and Pirranah. They both landed on the couch. Pirranah pinned Maggie's hands down without struggle.
Maggie: Pirranah, let's turn out the lights.
Pirranah: Okay.
He got up, turned out the lights, and stumbled back to Maggie.
Pirranah: Ouch! Don't bite that hard.
Maggie: Shut up!
Pirranah: Okay, you're the boss.
There was a knock at the door, but because Pirranah and Maggie were making loud noises, they didn't hear it. The door opened and a tall shadowy figure stood in the doorway. The lights came on and dressed all in black, with a pig on a leash, stood Maryanne.
Maryann: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but is it possible for me to borrow a twelve foot length of chain, a hacksaw, a bottle of olive oil, and six quarts of butter?
Maggie: Sure. Help yourself.
She continued to kiss Pirranah.
Maryann: Thank you.
Maggie: No problem. Just turn out the lights before you leave.
Maryann: (smiling) Okay.
Maryann unexplainably found what she needed and was on her way out when who should walk through the door, but Laverne and Shirley.
Laverne: Hey, what are you doing in our apartment?
Maryann: What, you've never gone over to a friend's house with a twelve foot chain, a hacksaw, a bottle of olive oil, six quarts of butter, and a pig before?
Laverne grinned and thought for a moment. Shirley kicked her in the leg.
Laverne: Uh, we don't do that sorta thing.
Maryann: You know, I like you. I'm Maryann Yucavech.
Laverne: I'm Laverne DeFazio and this is my best friend, Shirley Feeney.
Shirley: Nice to meet you.
Laverne: What are ya gonna do with all that stuff?
Maryann: Well, I'm going upstairs to Lenny and Squiggy's and chaining this pig to their shower nozzle. Then I'm going to fill his tub up with butter and oliver oil. Once that's finished, I'm going to saw the legs off Squiggy's furniture. I'll teach him to refer to me as the old ball and chain!
Laverne laughed while Shirley just stood and smiled.
Maryann: Well, good-bye.
Laverne: Bye, Maryann.
Maryann left.
Laverne noticed Maggie on the couch with Pirranah.
Maggie: Hi, Laverne. This is Pirranah.
Laverne: Hi, Pirranah. Uh, I think you should leave 'cause Maggie needs to get ready for bed.
Maggie: But it's only 8 o'clock!
Laverne: Yeah, but you need time to take a cold shower.
Pirranah: Okay, bye. I'll see you later, Maggie.
Pirranah left.
Maggie: You really hate me, don't you?
Laverne: We don't hate you. We just want you to-- tell her, Shirl.
Shirley: Maggie, there are four words that every girl should know.. 'clean body, clean mind.' So take a cold shower and think about those words.
Maggie: You guys are insane.
Laverne: Just go take your shower and we'll talk about this later.
Maggie rolled her eyes, went into the bathroom, and slammed the door.
Laverne: Uncle Funji said that she'd only be staying for a week.. It's been a month! (brief pause) I know what it is. God is testing me!
Shirley: Aw, Laverne. It isn't that bad.
Laverne: Have you been listening to me, Shirl? Maggie needs to go or I'm gonna pack my bags and do something crazy like move to sunny California.
Laverne went into the bedroom and slammed the door with massive force which caused one of the pictures to fall from off the wall. Shirley immediately took notice of what happened and picked up the broken glass and frame. Amongst the shattered glass, was a picture of a little girl holding a baby. Shirley took out the picture, turned it over, and read the writing on the back. It read, "Laverne DeFazio with one week old cousin Maggie DeFazio, 1945." Shirley threw away the frame and the pieces of glass and sat on the couch staring at the picture.
There's a familiar knock at the door. Shirley got up from the couch leisurely to answer it.
Carmine: Hi, Angel Face.
Shirley: Hello, Carmine.
Carmine noticed the picture that Shirley was holding in her hands.
Carmine: What's that?
Shirley: Oh, it's just a picture of Laverne.
Carmine: Can I see it?
Shirley: It's just a picture of her and Maggie.
Carmine: The demon seed?
Shirley: She is not a demon seed.
Carmine: Well, that's what I heard.
Shirley: Well, I suppose you believe everything you here!
Carmine: Shirl, I didn't come over here to fight with you.
Shirley: Then why did you come over here?
Carmine: I came over here to break our date for Friday night.
Shirley: Break our date?
Carmine: Yeah, you see..
Shirley: BREAK OUR DATE!
Carmine:(sarcastically) Could you possibly yell a little louder, Shirl? I don't think they heard you in Maine!
Shirley: You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?! I DON'T CARE!
Carmine: GOOD!
Shirley: I just don't see what could be so important for you to break our "Shoots and Ladders" date.
Carmine: We can take a rain check! I gotta go now, Shirl. I have to give tap a lesson tomorrow morning.
As Carmine was going out the door, Maryann was in the hall. She peeked through the door.
Maryann: Hi, can I come in?
Shirley: Why not?
Maryann: Thank you, darling. There aren't very many places in Milwaukee for a girl like me to hide.
Shirley: Why would you want to hide?
Maryann: Why did you let a handsome man like that get away?
Shirley: You first.
Maryann: Well, just as I was making my escape, Lenny walked in. So I waited until he was out of room and I darted out of there.
Shirley: Sounds like you had quite an evening.
Maryann: Darling, are you alright?
Shirley: Terrific, my best friend's cousin is a demon seed and my boyfriend has better things to do than go out with me Friday night.
Maryann: So that handsome man is your boyfriend, huh?
Shirley: Yes.
Maryann: What if I told you that I know why he broke your date.
Shirley: If you know anything, please tell me.
Maryann: Well, he was with this girl the other night at the Pizza Hut..
Shirley: Pizza Bowl
Maryann: Yes, darling. I noticed that she had brown hair and went by the name of Emily.
Shirley: Emily? Not my cousin Emily. She wouldn't date Carmine.
Maryann: I say we saw halfway through his break cable and watch his car fly off a bridge and plummet into Lake Michigan !
Shirley: No, I have a better idea. I think--
Maryann: Do you want him followed? I can arrange that.
Shirley: No, I was thinking that we should... did you say follow Carmine?
Maryann: Yes. I have a car, binoculars, and I'm equipped with the latest in military surveillance technology.
Shirley: All right, let's do it!
Maryann: Meet me at the Pizza Bowl Friday night at 6 o'clock..I'll explain everything when you get there. Be sure to wear something black and bring a bottle of wine.
Shirley: Okay.
Scene 2
INT. Lenny and Squiggy's Apartment - Friday Afternoon
Lenny opened up the refrigerator, got out a jar, took off the lid, and pulled out a clean white t-shirt. He put the shirt up to his nose and took a deep breath.
Lenny: (long sigh) Ah, still fresh.
Squiggy: Lenny, stop smellin' that shirt and get in here!
Lenny put the shirt on the kitchen table and followed Squiggy's voice.
Lenny: Where are ya?
Squiggy: I'm in here, stupid!
He looked in the bathroom and saw Squiggy with the pig still on the leash.
Lenny: So Squig, what was so important that ya dragged me away from my fresh shirt?
Squiggy: Are ya deaf, blind, and really stale? There's a pig in our sacred chamber and I know who did it too.
Lenny: Old MacDonald?
Squiggy: No, he had a farm.
Lenny: (singing) E-I-E-I-O!
Squiggy gave Lenny a strange look.
Squiggy: No, I'm talkin' about Mrs. Babish. That old geezerette has been after us for rent and now she wants revenge. Well, I'll show her. Let's take this pig and let it go in her apartment..after we take it ta the park and get it all muddy. Do ya know if the park is selling mud today?
Lenny: No, I hope they have enough. Those kids sure were nice to only sell it to us for fifty cents each.
Squiggy: Yeah, let's get there before the other kids use it up.
Scene 3
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Late Afternoon
Laverne sat and read the new installment of the "True Confessions" magazine that came in the mail. Shirley paced back and forth in the livingroom wondering how she was going to deal with taking sides against two girls for whom she loves. Diana, a friend, and Caroline, a cousin.
Laverne: Wow! These strippers sure know how to live..whoa! I didn't know you could do that with a scooter pie!
Laverne's eyes got wider and wider as she turned the page. Shirley snatched the magazine away from Laverne and threw it in the trash.
Shirley: That's where it belongs. It's smut!
Laverne: Shirl, that was the best part! I was gettin' to where the Cabana boys were gonna oil the lonely stripper down and...
Shirley: I don't want to hear it, Laverne! It's all filthy smut!
Laverne: Are you okay, Shirl?
Shirley: I'm fine.
Laverne: Is this about Carmine breaking his date with you tonight?
Shirley: Laverne, don't be ridiculous. I've forgotten all about that.
Laverne: You have?
Shirley: Of course! I better get ready.
Laverne: Where are you going?
Shirley: Uh, I'm going over to Maryann's house and swop recipes.
Laverne shook her head.
Laverne: Come on, Shirl. I'm your best friend. What are you really doing?
Shirley: Really, Laverne.
Laverne: Look me in the eye and say it.
Shirley looked at her eye brow.
Shirley: I'm going to swop recipes with Maryann.
Laverne: Shirl, you're looking at my eye brow.
Shirley: Okay, Laverne. I'll tell you the truth. I'm going to follow Carmine on his date.
Laverne: Huh?
Shirley: Nevermind, Laverne.
Laverne: Is Carmine seeing someone else?
Shirley: I've said too much already.
Laverne: Shirley, I'm your best friend. You can tell me.
Shirley: You're right, Laverne. You see, I have reason to believe that Carmine is seeing someone else.
Laverne: Someone we know?
Shirley: Yes, but I want to prove her wrong.
Laverne: Who?
Shirley: Maryann said she saw Emily at the Pizza Bowl with Carmine.
Laverne: Another Emily, right? Not...
Shirley nodded.
Shirley: I have to know, Laverne. Could Carmine be in love with my cousin?
Laverne: Well, do what you have to do.
Shirley went into the bedroom to get dressed. There came a knock at the door and Laverne answered it. Caroline stood in the hallway with a big smile on her face.
Laverne: Hi, Cara.
Caroline: Laverne, the most incredible thing happened.
Laverne: What's that?
Caroline: Lenny asked me to go steady with him.
Laverne: Steady, eh?
Caroline: Yes! He gave me his jacket till he could get one for me. It's going to say, "Lonewolfette."
Laverne: Lonewolfette? That's cute.
Caroline: (smiling) Oh, Laverne, I'm so happy!
Laverne: I could sew an "L" on it, but your name ain't "Laverne" or "Linda."
Caroline: Lenny told me all about how you sewed that "L" on his jacket when it only said, "Onewolf."
Laverne: Yeah. Lenny's a great guy. You're a lucky gal.
Caroline smiled and nodded.
Shirley came out of the bedroom dressed all in black. She went into the kitchen in a panic.
Laverne: [CONT'D] What's the matter, Shirl?
Shirley: Do we have a bottle of wine anywhere?
Laverne: No, but we have plenty of cooking sherry.
Shirley: I need wine, Laverne!
Caroline: Shirley, you can have one of our wine bottles. Lenny managed to get two.
Shirley: Whew! You are a lifesaver, Cara!
Caroline: I'll run upstairs and get it.
Caroline left.
Shirley: Gee, her and Lenny must be seeing a lot of each other.
Laverne: Yeah, I guess.
Shirley: What do you mean?
Laverne: They're going steady. Isn't she a bit too young to be going steady?
Shirley: No, they're not that far in age.
Laverne: Lenny is too tall for her, don't you think?
Shirley: Well, well, well, well, well...
Laverne: What?
Shirley: Well, it's obvious.
Laverne: What?
Shirley: You're jealous.
Laverne: No, I'm not.
Shirley: Yes, you are.
Laverne: Why would I be jealous? That's just crazy, like with you and Squiggy.
Shirley: Laverne, you know that I'd never marry Squiggy. He's so slimy and grimy.
Door opened.
Squiggy: Hell-o!
Lenny: Hello, Laverne.
Laverne: Hi, Len.
Squiggy: You'll never guess what we did today.
Laverne: Well, it obviously didn't involve taking a bath.
Laverne held her nose.
Squiggy: Yeah, yeah, well, Lenny and myself went ta the Milwaukee Zoo and wrestled a 7 ft gorilla...Well, Lenny did all the wrestling. We are starting a gorilla wrestling tournament and we need some good fighters for our team.
Lenny: He fought really good.
Squiggy: Len, tell the girls about your blackout.
Lenny: It was more of a red-out. I really couldn't tell, the blood and all.
Squiggy: We figured he was the best after he nearly crushed Lenny.
Lenny: Yeah, I guess ya could say that I, Leonard Kosnowski, had a brush with death.
Squiggy: Very well put, Len.
Lenny: Thank you.
Squiggy: You're welcome.
Shirley: Will you boys amscra, so that I can finish getting ready?
Squiggy: And where are you going?
Shirley: None of your buisness...Go.
Squiggy: But...
Shirley: Go away!
Lenny and Squiggy hurried out of the apartment.
Laverne sat on the couch and clutched one of the pillows.
Shirley: Those boys. They are so...(noticing Laverne with now, her head lowered) Laverne, what wrong?
Laverne: Shirl, didn't you hear what he said?
Shirley: You mean that ridiculous story about the gorilla?
Laverne: No, I'm talkin' about Lenny's brush with death. He could have died and he would have never known that---
Shirley: That, what, Laverne?
Laverne: Aw, nothin'. It's silly anyways.
Shirley: Nothing could be sillier than Lenny fighting a gorilla.
Laverne: Yeah, well, this comes pretty close.
Shirley: You can tell me. What is it?
Laverne: Well, what Lenny said really got to me and---What if Lenny would have died today? He would have never known that I actually--(softly) care for him.
Shirley: What? I didn't hear that last part.
Laverne: I care for him. I may even love him. I don't know.
Shirley: Love? Laverne, are you okay?
Laverne: I'm fine. Just a little confused.
Shirley: Will you be alright?
Laverne: Yeah.
Shirley: I'm just going to grab my purse now. I'll be home later.
Shirley got her purse and left.
Scene 4
INT. Diana's Home
Emily sat in Diana's dressing room and finished putting on her makeup.
Diana: Where is he taking you?
Emily: The Chéz Pheister.
Maryann was parked outside Diana's house and heard the whole thing from where she had earlier bugged the house.
Maryann: The Chéz Pheister? Tell me, Emily...what time?
Emily: He's picking me up here at six o'clock.
Maryann: Good girl.
She took out her walkie talkie.
Maryann: Big - Eyed Joe, this is Avenger. Could you get a walkie talkie delivered to Shirley Feeney at the Pizza Bowl pronto? Over.
Big-Eyed Joe: Yes, boss. Over.
Maryann: Get back to me once she gets it. Over.
Big - Eyed Joe: I'm on my way. Over.
Maryann: Okay. Over and out.
Maryann: I hope you have a fun time on your first date, Emily,because after tonight, you will have experienced the wrath of Maryann Thorpe! Where 'stalking' is my middle name and vandelism is my hobby! THAT RAT BASTARD WILL PAY FOR HURTING MY FRIEND!
Her phone rang.
Maryann: [CONT'D] No, not now. (answered) Hello?
Cybill: Hi, Maryann!
Maryann: Cybill, I told you not to call me on this phone. I'm in the middle the 1960's and they haven't invented cell phones yet.
Cybill: I'm sorry. It's just that Ira has agreed to go see, "First Wives Club" with you.
Maryann: (smiled) Really? I can't wait to see that movie. I hear it's about three women who get revenge on their cheating ex-husbands. Those bastards!
Cybill: Well, I'll talk to you when you get back.
Maryann: Okay. Bye.
There was static on her walkie talkie.
Shirley: Hello?
Maryann: Shirley, is that you?
Shirley: Yes. I'm at the Pizza Bowl. Where are you?
Maryann: I'm outside of Diana's home. Shirley, listen to me very carefully. I want you to meet me at the Chéz Pheister in one hour, okay?
Shirley: Why?
Maryann: Don't ask questions. Just go.
Shirley: Okay. Um, over and out.
Maryann: Amatuer.
She listened in some more.
Diana: You look so pretty, Emily.
Emily: Thank you. Guess what?
Diana: What?
Emily: After we leave the Chéz Pheister, Carmine is taking me to the Pheister Hotel.
Diana: Wow, he can afford all that?
Emily: Well, he's using the money he was saving in case him and Shirley were to ever get married.
Diana: You know, Lenny took me to the Pizza Bowl and showed me how to do a 'double back-o flip-o.' I got the sauce up my nose and everything...
Maryann: The bastard! He must die!
Maryann hurried to 730 Knapp Street and went up to Carmine's apartment. She took her credit card and opened the door. Once she was inside, she took out two small viles of sulfur dioxide.
Maryann: I'll teach that dancing Ragu sauce to cheat on my friend.
She went to his bed and threw one of the viles on the back board.
Maryann: [CONT'D] That should take care of your social life for a while.
Then she went into his closet and released the last vile.
Maryann: [CONT'D] No more Big Ragoo! From now on, you'll be called the Big P-U! This is what happens when you cross one of Maryann Thorpe's friends...I'll make Carmine Ragusa's life a living nightmare!
INT. The Chez Pheister - Six O'Clock in the Evening
Shirley sat in the lobby in her black clothes. Maryann entered the restuarant wearing an Armani suit and a fake mustache.
Maryann: (nudging Shirley) Ay! You wanna eat dinner with me tonight, toots?
Shirley: Uh, no thank you. I'm waiting for someone.
Maryann: Too bad. I thought we could have dinner and maybe catch a Ragoo.
Shirley: Maryann?
Maryann: Not tonight, but if you ask me later, we can have a drink.
Shirley: I can't eat dinner here. I'm not dressed right.
Maryann: Aw, pish! I brought you a dress. I'll save us a table while you get changed.
Shirley: Thank you, Maryann.
Maryann: Call me Martin. That's short for Martini.
Maryann laughed.
Shirley: (smiled) I'll go change.
Scene 5
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Night
Laverne sat on the couch while "When A Man Loves a Woman" played on the record player. There was a knock on the door and she got up and answered it.
Frank: Hi, muffin. I've come to fix the sink. Show me the leak.
Laverne: (softly) The sinks ain't busted.
Frank: Huh?
Laverne: Pop, have you ever had feelings for someone and not tell them how you feel?
Frank: No.
Laverne: I've been blind, Pop. All this time he's been here and I never saw him for the great guy he is.
Frank: I know what you're sayin', muffin.
Laverne: You do?
Frank: Yeah. I loved your mother very much and then when she died, I thought there was nothing else left for me, but that wasn't true. I had you and there was no way I was gonna let you go.
Laverne: I'm not lettin' you go either.
She gave him a hug.
Frank: You're my muffin.
Laverne: (smiled) Uh, Pop?
Frank: Yeah?
Laverne: What does that have to do with me and my feelings?
Frank: Well, I found Edna. What I'm sayin' is go and tell this guy how you feel.
Laverne: You think so?
Frank: It's better then goin' through life never knowin'.
Laverne: Thanks, Pop.
She gave him and hug and a kiss.
Frank: Anytime.
Laverne: I better get goin' now.
She grabbed her purse and hurried out the door. Maggie passed by Laverne and went into the apartment. She saw Frank and quickly turned back around.
Frank: Freeze!
Maggie: Hi, Uncle Frank.
Frank: About face.
She turned around.
Maggie: How are things at the Pizza Bowl?
Frank: Good. Where have you been?
Maggie: I went to the movies.
Frank: Really? What did you see?
Maggie: What did I see?
Frank: Yeah.
Maggie: Uh, an old movie.
Frank: What?
Maggie: Some Cary Grant movie. It's not important.
Frank: I think it's very important because I went to the movie theatre today and all they showed were monster movies.
Maggie: I think I hear Laverne calling me.
She tried to run and ran into Fonzie.
Fonzie: Hey, Maggie, where are you runnin' off to?
Maggie: Hi, Fonzie. Uh, I was just...
Fonzie: Stay.
Maggie: Yes, Fonz.
Fonzie: Sit.
She sat down on the couch.
Fonzie: I heard about this girl who disrepected her family and I thought about it and it made me very disappointed. I have a family and I love them very much and even though we're not blood related, I still love them. You have a great family too...One that you can really be proud of. Your uncle owns his own buisness, your cousin works very hard at the brewery, and you have friends that love you to.
Maggie: Gee, I never thought of it like that.
Fonzie: I hope you treat your family with respect from now on.
Maggie: Sure, Fonzie.
Fonzie: Well, I have to get goin'. Now don't disappoint me, Maggie.
Maggie: I won't.
Fonzie left.
She looked over at Frank who didn't look too happy.
Maggie: [CONT'D] (yawned and stretched) Well, I better go to bed now. Goodnight, Uncle Frank.
Frank: Freeze.
Maggie: What?
Frank: I'm not through with you yet. You need to be punished. So, no televison, no phone, and you're not to leave this apartment for a week.
Maggie: Aw, sh--...I mean, that's fair, Uncle Frank.
Frank: Goodnight, sweetheart.
Maggie smiled and went into the bedroom.
Frank: (sighed) I wonder if Jack Paar has cried yet.
He turned on the television.
Scene 6
INT. Chéz Pheister - Night
Shirley came out of the ladies room in full gown attire and her radiant beauty lit up the restauant. Maryann motioned for Shirley to join her at the table near the back.
Maryann: Wow. You look great.
Shirley: You really think so?
Maryann: Oh, darling, yes. Once Carmine sees you, he'll be on his knees and then mother nature will do the rest.
She sipped her champaigne.
Carmine entered the restaurant with Emily on his arm. Maryann motioned for Shirley to put her menu up to her face.
Waiter: Your table, Monsieur.
Carmine pulled out her chair and Emily sat down. He then seated himself.
Waiter: Would you care for some wine?
Carmine: Uh, could I see a wine list?
The waiter got a menu and handed it to Carmine who looked over the expensive selection.
Carmine: Well, that looks good. We'll have that.
Waiter: Very good choice, Monsieur.
Maryann: I picked the perfect table. I heard everything. Now we are going to have a little fun. (low voice) Hey, waiter!
Waiter: Oui, Monsieur.
Maryann: You see that table over there?
Maryann pointed to Carmine and Emily.
Waiter: Oui.
Maryann: Send a bottle of your most expensive wine to their table and put it on my tab.
Waiter: Name, Monsieur?
Maryann: Dr. Richard Thorpe. But Waiter, don't tell them that it's been paid for. Let them sweat it out a bit.
She handed him a twenty.
Waiter: (overwelmed with joy) Oui, Monsieur.
He walked away kissing the money and mumbling in french.
Maryann: God, I love the sixties.
Shirley smiled.
Carmine took Emily's hand and kissed it.
Emily: Carmine, I want you to have a night that you will never forget.
Maryann leaned over to try to listen to their conversation.
Maryann: Damn! I can't hear anything.
She reached inside her purse and pulled out her cellphone and put it in a bread basket.
Shirley: What's that you put in there?
Maryann: Watch and learn. (low voice) Excuse me, Waiter!
Waiter: Oui, Monsieur.
Maryann: Could you put this bread basket on that table over there?
She pointed once again to Carmine's table.
Waiter: (handed him a ten dollar bill) Oh, today is my lucky day!
He put the bread basket on their table.
Maryann: I dialed my number on my other phone which is on vibrate, a great feature I might add, and when I pick up my phone like so, (picks up phone) I can hear the conversation.
Shirley: You are good. Do you really think this will work?
Maryann: Of course it will work. I tried this once with my best friend, Cybill. She had this back stabbing producer that would...Oh, nevermind. It's a long story.
Shirley nodded and Maryann held the phone to her ear.
Carmine: We could go to Inspiration Point and...
Waiter: Your wine, Monsieur. (handing them the bottle) Enjoy.
Carmine: Thanks.
He tried to uncork the bottle but couldn't. Emily sat and smiled at him.
Emily: Don't you just hate corks?
Carmine: (still trying to pop the cork) Yeah. This must have been glued on.
Maryann: (putting down the phone) Oh, I can't take this anymore.
She got up, walked to Carmine's table, put the bottle between her legs, and popped the cork without any strain.
Maryann: (handing him the bottle) Amateur.
Carmine: Uh, thanks.
She went back to the table with Shirley, who had her head behind the velvet covered menu.
Maryann: Helpless. He can't even open a bottle of wine. It's a wonder he got so far in life.
Shirley peaked from behind her menu and glanced at Maryann who had a vengeful look on her face. She watched Carmine as he poured her cousin a glass of wine and brushed his lips gently on her hand. Maryann put them phone back to her ear.
Carmine: You smell so good and your hands are so soft.
Maryann: Ha! Just wait till you get the bill. I can't believe he's feeding her that crap.
Emily: (getting up) Excuse me, but I'm going to go powder my nose.
Maryann: (smiling) Good. Operation Ragusa is about to begin. (to Shirley) Will you excuse me?
Shirley: Maryann, you can't go into the ladies room.
Maryann: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Order anything you like. I'll be back.
Maryann went into the men's room and came out wearing a Douce and Gabana evening gown. She walked into the ladies room just as Emily was powdering her nose. Maryann took out a klennex and began to gently wipe her eyes. Emily was a bit on concerned and curious about why she had been crying.
Emily: What's the matter?
Maryann: Oh, nothing.
Emily: Then why are you crying?
Maryann: Why would I be crying on a twenty five hundred dollar gown, huh?
Emily: Beats me.
Maryann: (overly dramatic) Fine, if you must know...I'm in love with a dancer who I recently found out is engaged to a...
Emily: A what?
Maryann: A younger woman!
Emily: Gee...
Maryann: If I would have known that Carmine Ragusa was such a kaniving little bastard...
Emily: Carmine Ragusa?
Maryann: Yeah. He sounds like a pasta sauce, doesn't he?
Emily: (mixed feelings) Sure.
Maryann: Well, I hate to chat and run, but I better get back to my party.
Maryann left.
Emily stared at herself in the mirror and she was filled with confusion and anguish.
Maryann waited till Emily had went back out into the dining area before she changed into her "Martin" outfit. She rushed back to their table and sat down.
Maryann: Have you ever watched a soap opera, honey?
Shirley: Sure.
Maryann: (sees Emily talking to Carmine) Well, stay tuned for "The Young and the Helpless."
Maryann listened in on the cellphone.
Emily: Carmine, why do you like me?
Carmine: You're pretty, you smell good, and you're funny.
Emily: Is that all?
Carmine: Well, you happen to be the nicest girl I know.
Emily: Carmine...
Carmine: Yeah.
Emily: Is there someone else?
Carmine: N-No. You're the only one for me.
Emily: You just stuttered.
Carmine: I don't stutter.
Emily: You just did. Which leads me to believe that you're not telling the truth. Why are you lying to me?
Carmine: W-What are you talking about?
Emily: You just did it again. Stop it! Stop the lying! I know about you and the other woman.
Carmine: What other woman?
Emily: Who are you fooling? Obviously, not me. Not anymore.
She got up and flung her wine glass in his face.
Emily: I hope you and 'what's her name' will be very happy!
She ran out of the restaurant.
The waiter approached him and handed Carmine the bill. He looked at it and the bill read, $800. Carmine dropped his head to the table.
Maryann: Our work here is done.
Shirley: What do you mean?
Maryann: That man is vunerable now and he needs you.
Shirley: We weren't too harsh with him, were we?
Maryann: Harsh, ha! You haven't seen harsh. Have you ever hung a man from an electrical wire and watched him dangle there helplessly till he was electricuted to the ground by a rogue flying earring? How about blowing up a few of his cars and a boat and hoping he had decided to get in one of them right before it exploded! That's love, honey.
Shirley: (a little frightened) Well, I better go see Carmine.
Maryann: Good luck. He's cute.
Shirley went to him. Carmine's head was still resting on the table.
Shirley: Do you mind if I sit down?
Carmine lifted his head slightly.
Carmine: Sure, go ahead. I'm sure you heard what Emily said.
Shirley: Are you impling that I've been spying on you?
Carmine: No, you wouldn't do that. I know you. What are you doing here?
Shirley: Well, I had a date...kinda.
Carmine: Oh?
Shirley: Nothing special. I'll probably never see him again.
Carmine: You don't sound too upset about it.
Shirley: Why should I be? I'm sitting in front of the only man for me.
Carmine: Shirl...
Shirley: Carmine, I have held my tongue too long. When I heard about you and Emily, I was jealous. And when I get feelings like that, that tells me that I'm truely content with what I have and what I had drifted away. What I'm trying to say is...I think...
Carmine: Yeah?
Shirley: I believe...I have...fallen in love with you.
Carmine: (sitting up in his chair) Wow.
Shirley: I know, Carmine. We haven't actually been in love with each other...and if you don't feel the same, then I'll just...move on.
Camine: (taking her hand) But I do. Shirley, I've loved you ever since high school. We just weren't ready to take such a big step.
Shirley: (tilting her head;smiling) Yeah.
Carmine: I'm in love with you, Shirley...and you know what?
Shirley: What?
Carmine: You're the only woman I've said that to and really and truely meant it.
Shirley and Carmine drew close. They knocked over the wine glasses as the shared a very passionate kiss.
Shirley: (still kissing) Carmine...
Carmine: Yeah.
Shirley: Take me home.
Carmine: I can't.
Shirley: (stops kissing him) Why not?
Carmine: I have a $800 check to pay.
Shirley: It's been taken care of, sweetheart.
Carmine: Are you sure?
Shirley: I'm positive.
She kissed him once more.
Carmine and Shirley walked out of the resturaut hand in hand.
Scene 7
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Night
Laverne entered the apartment with a red rose in her hand. Maggie sat on the couch half asleep.
Maggie: Laverne, is that you?
Laverne: Yeah, it's me.
Maggie: (yawn) How did it go with Lenny?
Laverne: Who told you about him?...Wait, I know. Pop did, right?
Maggie: Yeah. It sorta slipped out...but I think it's great about you and Lenny.
Laverne: Yeah, it's a long story, but Caroline left in the middle of the date and rushed back to her long lost love, Trevor, who just found out that his marriage to Anna was annulled due to some sorta identity crisis.
Maggie: Oh. So you and Lenny are together now?
Laverne: I guess you could say that. We're going out tomorrow night.
Maggie: Good.
Laverne: Uh, I better get ready for bed.
Maggie: Laverne...
Laverne: What.
Maggie: I'm sorry I've been a bit...well, my attitude hasn't been exactly the greatest.
Laverne: Yeah, I know. Don't lose any sleep over it, okay?
Maggie: (smiling) Okay.
Laverne: Goodnight, Maggie.
Maggie: Thanks, Laverne. You know, you are my favorite cousin.
Laverne went into her bedroom. Maggie curled up on the couch and went to sleep.
A little while later, Shirley entered the apartment with Carmine in her arms kissing one another.
Shirley: (still kissing) Carmine, I hate to ruin a great moment here, but I think we should call it a night before I do something we'll both regret later on.
Carmine: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, right?
Shirley: Yeah. We can talk about our plans.
They gave each other one last kiss goodnight.
Shirley went into her bedroom and closed the door.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Bedroom - Night
Laverne sat up in her bed when she heard Shirley come in.
Laverne: Shirl...
Shirley: Oh, Laverne, I'm sorry if I woke you.
Laverne: Nah, I couldn't sleep. How did it go with the spying on Carmine thing?
Shirley: Well, Laverne...it went rather well.
Laverne: Good.
Shirley: Carmine and I are, uh, engaged.
Laverne: You're gettin' married?
Shirley: Yes.
Laverne: That's great!
Shirley: Shhh! Maggie is asleep in the other room.
Door opened.
Maggie: No, I'm not. This is wonderful! Laverne and Lenny are together and now you have Carmine and you're getting married. I'm so happy for you.
Laverne: Have you set a date?
Shirley: We're going to discuss further arangements tomorrow. I think we all should get our beauty sleep.
Maggie got into their beds and hugged them both.
Maggie: I'm glad I came here. You two aren't that bad.
Shirley: We're one great big happy family.
They hugged for a little while longer and finally retired to bed where they had sweet dreams of things to come.
The End
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