The Hundred Deaths of Walter Meeney,pt.2
By Scott McClenny
The continuing
saga of Walter Meeney as he meets his fate over and over and
over....
Scene 5 Monday Night Football(1977)Walter finds
himself in the middle of
the field of action between the Minnesota Vikings
and Chicago Bears on a
cold Midwestern night.In the nice warm booth sit
Frank Gifford,Howard Cosell
and Don Meredith.
Meredith:Hey guys isn't that a fan walking about
the field like that.
Cosell:My God!Look at the way they keep punctuating
his backside like it
was a Baconian sentence!
Meredith and Gifford look confused.
Gifford:Tarkenton set to pass..And oh
my....
Cosell:Oh..the humanity...that poor soul was just
gang tackled by everyone on
the field from both teams and the officials as
well!
Meredith(humsThe Party's Over)
Gifford:Don what was that for?
Meredith:Didn't you recognize that guy?That was
Walter Meeney!
Gifford:THE Walter Meeney?
Cosell:A man who sincerely in all sincerity
deserved his fate.
Walter staggers out from under the pile only to
find himself in:
Scene 6 Gilligan's Island(Gilligan walks to the
camp with Walter in a
bag)
Gilligan:Hey everyone look what I
found!
Ginger/MaryAnn(together):A
Man!!!!!(Squeal!)
Ginger:isn't this exciting!
Mary Ann:It certainly is!
Ginger:I can just see us..
Mary Ann:By us who do you mean?
Ginger:I mean him and me.
Mary Ann:You mean ME and him,'cause I saw him
first!
(They get into a cat fight to rival
Dynasty)
Skipper(walks up):What's the problem
ladies?
Gilligan:Oh,they're fighting over a man I
caught.
Skipper:You caught a man?That means we're
rescued.
Gilligan(shakes head):No!
Skipper/Ginger/Mary Ann:NO?!
Gilligan:Yeah,'cause when the girls were fighting I
recognized that the
guy was Walter Meeney and I threw him back.The last
I saw some big old
white shark was gobbling him up.
Scene 7 Cheers(Walter by this time is thirsty
enough that he drags himself
to the nearest barstool,which unfortunately is next
to Cliff)
Carla(Walks up to Walter):Hey bozo you got
money?
Walter looks blankly.
Carla:Hey I know you.You're the stiff that broke
the heart of Shirley Feeney.
(breaks tray over Walter's head)
Cliff:You say Walter Meeney?Did you know that
Meeney comes from the
Latin Meeneaus meaning tortured because most hated
by tv fans..
Yeah,it's a well known fact.
Will Walter escape his latest predictament.Will
Cliff actually SAY something
interesting.Will Norm have another
beer?