Part 4: Squiggy's Suggestion

"So, what'd he say?" Carmine rocked back on his heels. He seemed as eager as an otter with a fresh clam on his belly.

Squiggy hung up the phone and stood with his head bowed for a few moments, trying to absorb what he'd heard, what it told him about how much Lenny had changed in such a short time. Finally, he said, "He, uh, couldn't tell me much, 'cause of, you know. Confidentiality and such."

"But he did tell you something." It wasn't a question. Carmine's eyes were like twin storm clouds in his face. He already knows. May as well tell him straight.

"Yeah. He talked around it, but it's pretty clear that he don't think Len's checkin' out anytime soon. In fact, he seemed all about how happy Lenny should be, having gotten a new lease on life."

Carmine's breath caught for a moment. He released it slowly and his face flushed red. "Wow. God damn! I never would've thought it."

"What?" His nerves jangled, torn between his anger at Lenny for letting him think he was going to leave any day now and worry that Carmine might go make it a reality anyway.

"You know what!" Carmine shouted, waving his hands like he'd suddenly transformed into Mr. DeFazio. "He lied, Squiggy! To me, to you. More importantly, to Laverne! My God, he made her think he was dying just to lure her into a relationship."

His face was nearly purple, eyes so wide Squiggy thought they might pop. "That heartless, gutless son of a...he made up a fatal illness to nail a girl! One who was already involved." Carmine slapped his forehead. "I knew it. I knew he'd figured it out. The way he's been avoiding me, shooting me those looks - he knew Laverne and I had something going!"

"He didn't, though," said Squiggy and then took a step back. Carmine was so furious, he was afraid the guy might slug him in place of Lenny and screw up all his pretty. "Carmine, look, I get why you're pissed - hey, I'm plenty mad, too - but I never told him about you and Laverne."

"So? Maybe Laverne admitted it! Or he just plain figured it out. It doesn't matter, it didn't stop him from manipulating her into," Carmine paused and the color drained out of his face. "Oh, God, he's gonna marry her."

"But, it don't make sense," argued Squiggy. "Don't you think she'd notice he wasn't dying when he, you know, didn't die? What was he plannin' to say, 'uh, I been takin' these new life-savin' vitamins, honey?'"

Carmine shook his head, pacing in tight circles like a tiger in a too-small cage. "Once he has the ring on her finger, all he has to do is make something up," he said. "A miracle cure comes along or...I don't know, say the doctor made a mistake. By then, she'd just be so thrilled her beloved husband's gonna live, she wouldn't question it. It's messed up, Squig." Carmine looked at him, his face reflecting the disbelief in Squiggy's own heart. "It's twisted and mean and...and...."

"Wrong," said Squiggy in his smallest voice. He felt pretty sick inside himself. "What could've twisted that sweet boy into doin' something like this to his bestest friend?" He looked up at Carmine and remembered, "Oh, yeah, and to the girl he supposedly loves."

"That's not an act of love, Squig," said Carmine. "Desperation, yeah. Obsession, maybe. But love? No way do you make someone you truly love fall for you, cry for you, dread losing you only to get them to do what you want."

Squiggy winced. Damn it, but the squat dancer's right. No matter how hard he lusted after Rhonda, he'd never come up with such a mean way of getting her into his life. Most of all, how could Lenny hurt him so bad? Len knew the deepest stuff, about how he felt abandoned by every parent he'd ever had, step and real. How lonely he was underneath it all. How much it hurt that no one really liked him all that much. Lenny'd always been his one true friend, or so he'd thought. He knew it was tearing up my insides, the thought of losing him, and he let me go on thinking it.

Grief started to change into anger. He clenched his fist and punched the wall with a shout.

"Squig, whoa!" Carmine reached for him as he hopped around the kitchen, agony radiating from his bruised knuckles to his jammed shoulder. "You okay?"

"Ow, ow, no!" he managed, shaking off Carmine's hands. "I'm not at all okay! I'm the opposite of that! My best friend lied and betrayed me and now my hand's broken and that's his fault too! Ow, damn it!"

Finally, he calmed down enough to gently flex his fingers. They hurt, but nothing seemed broken. He kept his back to Carmine. He didn't want the Big Ragoo to see the girly tears that snuck out of his eyes.

"Squiggy," said Carmine. His voice was calmer. "I'm sorry, man. I'm just...sorry."

He heaved a sigh and wiped his face quickly before turning around. "It ain't you who should be sorry," he said. "The question is, how do we make the guy who should be sorry really, really sorry."

Carmine blinked. "Um, what?"

"You heard me." Iciness filled his belly and radiated out until he felt numb inside, except for a little candle flicker of rage in the middle of his chest. "We can't let Lenny get away with this."

Carmine's eyes widened, narrowed. His mouth twitched into a wicked grin. "No. We sure as hell can't. He hurt you and he's hurting Laverne. I can't leave - I mean, I can't let him marry her under false pretenses."

"And I can't let him get away with screwin' me over. No one gets over on Andrew Squigman without facing his wrath." Okay, the truth was, most everyone got over on him without facing squat. But not this time.

"What do you have in mind, Squig?" Carmine folded his arms and rocked back and forth on his heels.

Cradling his sore hand, ideas churning like a hurricane, Squiggy said, "You ever hear the saying, 'turnabout is fair pay?'"

"Uhhh, something like that sounds familiar."

"Well, Mr. Ragusa. You and I are gonna doing some turning."

#

"I don't know if I like this," Carmine muttered as they walked into Cowboy Bill's. He kept on saying that, ever since Squiggy'd laid out his amazing plan. It was getting annoying.

"Would you just relax? You look great. Besides, ain't you gonna need some acting practice if you want to make it on the Great Wide Way?"

"That's true," said Carmine, uncertainly.

Squiggy clapped him on the back. "Just think of this as one big rehearsal."

"Yeah, but Laverne's gonna be upset. She's a victim in this, just like you and me. Maybe we can just pass her a note."

"No!" said Squiggy, shaking his head hard. "We need her reaction to be real as can be! Besides, you know how much that woman hates notes."

"Alright, alright," Carmine grumbled. "You made sure to get Mr. DeFazio out of there, right?"

"Yeah, I sent him chasin' a wild goose for a good long hour." Squiggy chuckled at the mental image of Frank DeFazio running and swatting at a giant goose. "Still think we shoulda asked him to play victim-"

"Hell, no! That's her father, Squig. It would've been beyond the pale, even for a few minutes. Speaking of which." Carmine scratched his cheek.

Squiggy slapped his hand away. "Stop that, you'll mess up your makeup!" Why must I be condemned to work with amateurs?

Carmine wriggled. "It itches, though! If I get a rash from this crap, I'm gonna hit you until I feel better."

"Fair enough." Squiggy gave him a shove and hissed, "You're on, Mr. Ack-tor!"

Carmine shot him one last, aggravated look then obediently opened the door and walked into Cowboy Bill's. Squiggy followed him, but hovered in the short hallway, out of sight of those inside the restaurant, but close enough to hear and peer around the corner to see. He wasn't about to miss a minute of this.

Payback's a bitch and so am I. He grinned while rubbing his hands together.

"Hiya, Carmine," said Laverne, sounding her usual cheery self. She was setting a couple of mugs of beer on the table, one in front of Lenny, who smiled at her, looking all lovey. Squiggy ground his teeth together.

"Huh?" said Carmine. He put a nice amount of tremor in his voice. "Oh, hey, Laverne. Len. Mind if I just sit a sec?" He gripped the back of a chair at a nearby table, as if holding himself upright were a chore.

Squiggy nodded. Maybe the guy's got the chops to make it on Broadway, after all.

"Sure," said Lenny. He started to take a sip of his beer, hesitated. "Uh, you all right there, Carmine? You're looking kinda...peaked."

"Who, me?" Carmine started to laugh, but turned it into a wince. He sat slowly, like a man at least twice his age. "Yeah, thanks for asking, Len. I'm...fine."

Good amount of hesitation there. Squiggy licked his lips.

"Geeze, Carmine, you sure?" Laverne put her hand against Carmine's forehead. Squiggy hoped she didn't accidentally wipe off any of the thin layer of greasepaint making Carmine look paler than normal. "Don't think you have a fever, but you don't look yourself."

Carmine took her hand away and gave it a little pat. "Eh, it's nothing. I took an extra long run this morning, that's all." He laid her hand on the table and rubbed the center of his chest. "Feeling it a lot more than usual, is all."

"You want a beer or somethin'? We're just, uh, you know, planning some...stuff." Lenny squirmed in his seat.

You ain't the only one, pal, thought Squiggy.

"Oh, Carmine, you should see all the stuff we've gotta get together. And I thought it was hard to pull together that fast and loose excuse for a wedding Shirl had in the hospital!" Laverne shook her head.

"Yeah, that turned out great," Carmine's deadpan tone sounded was way too healthy. Squiggy shook his head. Stay in character! he wanted to shout.

"But this," Laverne went on, oblivious. "I mean, there's so many people to contact. Flower guys and photo guys, a priest, a limo...."

Lenny took a swig of beer. "It's a regular circus," he said, cheerfully, as he set his stein down.

Carmine looked at it and then at Lenny's face. "Hm."

"Hm?" Lenny cocked his head to the side like a dog hearing a whistle. "Hm what?"

"No, it's nothing," said Carmine. He made his voice a notch weaker than usual. "I'm just surprised that you're still allowed to drink, that's all. I mean, aren't you taking medication?"

Laverne frowned. "Carmine, why bring that up, huh?"

"No, it's okay, Laverne," said Lenny. The confidence in his voice made Squiggy's hands tighten into fists. He couldn't wait to see Mr. Cocky-pants taken down a notch or ten. "Carmine's just bein' a concerned friend, that's all."

"Sure I am," said Carmine, flatly.

"Truth is I'm not takin' anything. The doc said there's no real cure right now, so I turned down chemo or other treatment. They'd only make me sick all the time."

"Yeah, it's amazing how not-sick you still are."

Don't blow it, Ragusa, Squiggy longed to shout. He understood the guy's anger, but this was a time for subtlety.

"We've been blessed," said Laverne. She took Lenny's hand and stared deeply into his eyes, a look of such adoration and sadness on her face that it made his own heart ache. "It seems like God wants us to be as happy as we can for as long as we got."

"Yeah, and who knows? Miracles happen all the time," said Lenny. His smile wavered and he turned his head to stare at the door. Squiggy had to flatten himself against the wall to avoid getting spotted.

"Ow," said Carmine. The happy couple both turned to look at him. He rubbed his chest and his shoulders hitched, as if he couldn't inhale as deeply as he wanted.

Laverne looked alarmed. "Carmine, you sure nothing's wrong? You really don't look so good and you sound kinda strange."

"Do I?" Carmine coughed and winced again, harder this time. "I...don't know. Maybe I need a little fresh air." He pushed his chair back and started to stand, but wobbled on his way up.

"Good, good," Squiggy murmured. "They're hooked. Now, reel 'em in."

Laverne and Lenny stood up. Lenny took Carmine by the arm. "You sure you oughta be walkin' around? You're white as a ghost."

Carmine gave Lenny the once-over, in silence. Squiggy's heart thudded in his chest, wondering if he was going to go through with it or just punch Len out instead. Finally, Carmine said, "I'm sure it's nothing. Thanks for the concern, though."

"Hey, it's the least I can do." Lenny held onto his arm as Carmine took a hesitant step toward the exit.

Laverne circled around and got in front of Carmine. "I want you to go to a doctor," she said, worry in her voice. "Or at least go right home to bed."

"I'm sorry, Laverne," Carmine said. Squiggy had to strain to hear him. His heart sank. Don't let the guilt get to you! This is all for her own good, remember.

"For what?" She patted his shoulder.

"For...interrupting your wedding plans," Carmine said, shoulders slumping. "I know how important this is to you. I only want you to be happy, you know that, right?"

"Of course I do." She smiled and kissed him lightly on the lips. Lenny let go of Carmine's arm and folded his arms across his chest while staring at his sneakers. Squiggy read the naked guilt on his face and if he hadn't already known the truth, it'd have been clear as glass in Lenny's expression. He gripped the wall with his fingertips and dug his stubby nails into the wood. You deserve all this and more, you betraying betrayer who betrays!

Carmine must have read his thoughts because he chose that moment to gasp loudly and grab his left arm. "What is it? What's happening?" Laverne cried, reaching for him as he staggered back.

"I...oh, it hurts," groaned Carmine.

"What does?" asked Lenny, eyes huge.

"My-I think it's my chest. It's tight and...sharp pain. Going down my arm." Carmine pressed both hands over his heart as if it were going to explode out of his body any second.

"Not too much," Squiggy directed under his breath. "More Lawrence Olivier, less Jack Benny."

Laverne moved toward Carmine as he stumbled against another table. Good thing no one else was in the restaurant at the moment. Of course, that probably had a lot more to do with the hand-written sign Squiggy had stuck outside that read, "Temporarily Closed While We Get Rid of the Rats" than mere coincidence.

Lenny hurried over and caught Carmine by the elbows, holding him upright. "What's goin' on with you?" he asked, half-accusing, half-panicked.

Carmine gasped for breath. He had a good wheeze going, very believable. He blinked rapidly up at Lenny. "My heart," he mumbled. Then he closed his eyes and went limp as overcooked spaghetti.

Beautiful! Squiggy resisted the urge to clap.

Laverne screamed. Lenny supported Carmine's dead weight for another moment, staring at him like he didn't know what he was. Then he lowered him down to the floor carefully and pressed an ear against his chest.

Squiggy held his breath. It wasn't like Len would even know what he was listening for beyond a thump-thump, but a part of him worried that the one thing they couldn't fake too well - a heart attack victim's screwed-up heartbeat - would give it all away. "He's alive," said Lenny, raising his head and looking up at Laverne helplessly. "But his heart's going like a mile a minute. That ain't right, is it?"

Well, then. Guess Carmine was right to sprint around the building ten times before putting on this show. Score one for Method acting. Squiggy grinned.

"How could this be happening?" cried Laverne. She fell onto her knees next to Carmine and cradled his head in her lap, patting his cheek. "He's like the healthiest guy we know!"

"I...I guess these things just happen sometimes." Lenny rubbed his face. "What should we do?"

Laverne screwed up her face and gave her head a shake, shedding panic like a dog shaking off bathwater. "Okay, okay, this is serious, Len." She looked around. "Where is everyone? Never mind, we can do this." She tilted Carmine's head back and pulled open his mouth. "I'll give him mouth-to-mouth while you call an ambulance. Tell 'em to hurry, all right?"

Lenny snapped his head around. "Where is the phone?"

"The kitchen!"

"Okay, I'm on it." He took a last look down at Carmine and pressed his head between his hands. "Oh, God, oh, Jesus. Just...hang in there, Carmine. You'll be fine, you gotta be!"

"Len! Go!" Laverne ordered. She leaned in to breathe into Carmine's mouth.

"Right. Yeah, I'm on it!" Lenny ran around the counter and disappeared into the kitchen.

Laverne stopped breathing into Carmine's mouth and started pushing his chest. She was in the middle of her second pump when Carmine opened his eyes, sat up and grabbed her by the upper arms. She was so startled that only a gurgling scream escaped her lips.

Carmine quickly clapped a hand over her mouth. Squiggy scooted in and joined them, shooting nervous looks into the kitchen. "We got, maybe, three minutes before Len finds the hospital number and calls for help." He thought about it and amended, "Well, maybe five or six."

Laverne's eyes were wide with confusion as she stared at Carmine over his hand, then shot a look at Squiggy. Carmine said, "Laverne, I'm really, deeply sorry for scaring you like this and I'll pay you back for it somehow, I promise. But right now, you gotta just listen to me."

"Us." Why did everyone try to leave him out of things?

Carmine heaved a sigh. "Us. Whatever." He locked eyes with Laverne. "The truth is Lenny's been lying to you, Laverne. He's lied to all of us. He ain't dying. I don't know if he ever was, or thought he was, but we know he isn't now. This has all been some sort of sick ploy to get you to be with him and once we figured it out, we couldn't let you keep thinking it was true."

Laverne's green eyes got narrower as Carmine babbled and by the time he paused for a breath, Squiggy could have sworn sparks were about to shoot out of them. She pushed his hand away from her mouth and hissed, "Are you crazy? Have you completely lost your everloving mind? How dare you...how could you say that? The man is terminal, Carmine! That's not a joke, unlike whatever sicko trick you just pulled, making me think...!"

"Listen to him, Laverne." Squiggy scooted into her line of sight. "He's talkin' truth. We checked with the doctor who told Lenny whatever he told him. It may be that he did originally say somethin' was wrong." He exchanged an angry look with Carmine; they still disagreed on that point. "But for whatever reason, he figured out Len was fine and Lenny knows it and he still didn't tell no one. He just went ahead and kept makin' you fall harder for him until he proposed. It ain't right, Laverne."

Laverne's mouth was hanging open by the time he finished. The shock on her face, the disbelief, faded into something that defied Squiggy's ability to define. "He...he wouldn't. Not to me." In a tiny voice, she said, "We love each other."

Carmine swallowed, hard. Even Squiggy felt a little lumpish in the throat.

"Laverne, I wouldn't lie about this. I've got no reason to." Carmine took her hand and kissed the back. "I care a lot about you, but as a friend, not a scorned lover. I swear to you, I'm only doing this because you deserve to be treated with respect and to make decisions about your life based on facts. And the fact is, the guy you love is lying to your face, and has been for...well, at least a while now."

She stared deeply into Carmine's eyes, as if searching for his true motives. Then she did the same with him. Squiggy made sure to keep his eyes as wide as they got, so she could see they had nothing to hide.

Whatever she was searching for, she must have found, because her face went so white that Squiggy worried she was going to be the one passed out on the floor, for real.

Carmine cupped her face in his hands and whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, her lips.

She remained silent for several precious moments. He was just starting to squirm when she finally said, "So what's this little act all about, then?"

Carmine let out the breath he'd been holding and nodded. "Okay, I'll make this quick. We're giving Len a taste of his own medicine."

"And it's gonna be bitter and we ain't givin' him juice to help wash it down," Squiggy confirmed.

She looked at each of them in turn, scowling. Then she nodded once. "I'm in."

--END PART 4--



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