Sugar Is Sweet: Part 4
By Missy


SERIES: Sugar Is Sweet
PART: Four of Four
RATING: PG (Pretty innocent)
PAIRING(s): Shirley/Lenny (Inferred); Laverne/Lenny (Pos);
DISTRIBUTION: To Squeaky, LW, Kai and FG (if the very act of reading this doesn't kill her) so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine. Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"
Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!
CATEGORY: Humor, SOL
FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!
SETTING IN TIMELINE: In the midst of the Milwaukee years; post "Shirley's Operation"
SPOILLER/SUMMARY: Fulfilling what she believes will be his last request, Shirley marries Lenny on his purported deathbed...too bad his appendix didn't burst after all..
NOTES: The end! See my sequel challenge, if you'd like to add on to this one :)

****

Shirley did the only thing that she could do; laugh. Laugh until Lenny joined in, and until she began crying.

"Aww, Shirl, It won't be so bad..you can move in wit Sqiug!" He placed his hand on her arm and she threw it off, shrieking.

"You fool!! You didn't marry Laverne! You married me!!"

His jaw dropped open, then he laughed again, "Nah! Nuh-uh, Shirl....There's no way I coulda taken YOU for Laverne!"

Offense rose within Shirley's spine, "Your fever was very high, Leonard. And are you suggesting that I.." Her eyes widened, "What am I saying? It's a done deal, Len." She shivered, "I always thought I would be spending my wedding night with someone short, dark-haired and classy."

"HELLO!" Squiggy bellowed, shoving through the door.

"Squiggy!" She hissed, "You're not supposed to be here! The doctor said immediate family only!"

"Well, excuse me, lil' wifey." A sly look crossed Squiggy's face, "Ya wanna be alone wit Len so's you can perform your wifely duties?" Lenny tried to bite his palm, but winced in pain.

"NO!" She shouted, then slapped a hand over her own mouth. Much more softly, she added, "Squiggy, stay with Lenny. I'm going home."

"That ain't no way to talk about yer husband!" Squiggy called after her, and, even though she pretended not to hear him, every hair on Shirley's body rose heavenward.

*****

A week later, the same day Lenny was released, Shirley lay on the couch in a Apartment A, stuffing a box of Scooter Pies into her mouth and sobbing at the machinations of a Debra Kerr movie.

"...Come on, Carmine...ya know she ain't in love with Len...She's eatin' me outta Scooter Pies here! Yeah, it's that bad...OK...Fine...But you gotta get here soon..." Laverne replaced the receiver onto its cradle and turned around to speak to her best friend, "Aww, Shirl, it's not the end of the world..."

"It is!!" Shirley sobbed, "You know how I feel about the sanctity of marriage...and I made poor Carmine wait and wait and wait...and then I marry Lenny!"

"Ya thought he was dead meat!" Laverne cried out, "You were just bein' nice, Shirl. I don't know why he wanted ta marry you..."

Shirley's expression changed into a secrative parody of nerves. :Laverne knew instantly that Lenny hadn't even wanted to marry Shirley in the first place, "Boy, his fever really musta been high, if he thought you was Ann-Margaret!" She chuckled. Shirley's eyes and smile widened, and Laverne's theory was once more disproved, "Well, who was he proposin' to there?"

Shirley closed her eyes, and said, "You."

Laverne's own eyes widened, "Aww, Shirl!"

"He loves you, Laverne...He loves you, and I married him!"

"Boy, this is better than a soap opera!" Lenny had entered the apartment, somehow, and was now staring at them with wide, blue eyes. Shirley's instinctive response was to squeal and try to hide against the couch; Laverne stood, prepared to drive him back up the landing and out the door.

"Now ain't a good time, Len." She said.

"But I gotta talk to Shirl, We gotta set things right..." He tried not to look Laverne in her eyes as he said this.

Laverne sighed, "You want me ta leave ya alone?"

He shook his head, "I gotta say somethin' ta you, too."

Laverne allowed Lenny passage into the apartment, and he sat down on the floor near the couch, next to Shirley's weeping form, "Shirley...I know you didn't wanna marry me...an' I ain't really....IN Love with ya...but I like ya, an' I know marriage is real important to ya...if you wanna give this a chance, we don't hafta get it annulled." Shirley's tears increased in volume; Lenny groaned, "That a no?" Laverne nodded, though her eyes were fixed on the TV. "OK...what else can we do?"

Shirley's tears ceased to flow; she sat up, thoughtful, "I think I saw this...on a soap opera once...Mitzi Mannor was forced to marry Craig Marlowe as per a stipulation in her uncle's will. But because they never...consummated the relationship...she won a church annulment!"

"This ain't a time to be talkin' about mints, Shirl!"

"You big dope," Laverne cried out, "An annulment ain't a mint...it's like a divorce, only the church Oks it, because the marriage wasn't real cause you an' Shirl didn't vode-o-do."

Lenny slapped his hands together, standing up, "OK! Where do we go?"

"The Church..hopefully, the one where that priest is stationed."

"Great!" Lenny picked Shirley up, bathrobe and all, and started carrying her out of the room, "See ya there, Laverne!"

***

Shirley had ceased complaining by the time they'd arrived at the Rugged Cross, the church nearest to the hospital; the fact that the whole incident would soon be nullified overrode her embarrassment at being in public in her PJs.

"You should have waited for me to dress, Leonard."

"But you were so sad..."

She sighed, feeling guilty as they approached the Parish Priest's office.

The secretary manning the parish priest's front door tried to maintain an expression of impassivity, "Hello. Do you have an appointment with Father O'Leerey?"

"Ohh, I knew we forgot something!" Shirley moaned.

"Well, I could squeeze you in now; you seem to be...in need," She buzzed a button on her intercom, "Father, a young couple needs to see you. It looks sort of urgent."

"Oh, let them in," Came the response, and as though they were the gates of heaven, the door to his office swung open.

Shirley rushed through the door, taking a seat before the slower Lenny could enter the room.

"Now, my children, what seems to be the.." Father O'Leery turned from a row of plants he had been tending, took a look at Shirley, and stifled his laughter, "Oh dear. It must be an urgent matter."

"It is, Father," Lenny began. "We need an annul-mint."

"Child, you'll need to go to the gift shop for that..."

"Father, excuse my..husband," Shirley laughed and crossed her pajamaed legs, "We're looking for an annulment."

The priest's expression changed, "Ahh, what a shame. Are you both sure that you've done everything possible to sustain the marriage?"

Shirley smiled, "We've both decided that the marriage was a mistake."

"Why is that?"

"I only married Leonard because I thought he was dying."

"Yeah father; it was my last wish ta marry someone I loved, an' I had a real high fever...an' I married Shirl here cause I thought she was her best friend..."

The priest's brow rose heavenward, "Yes. Continue...."

"Shirl's a real nice girl, Father, but I don't...LOVE her...like that."

"But my children," The priest announced, "The best of marriages begin in simple friendship!"

Lenny shook his head, "But I'm in love with Laverne, an' Shirl's datin' this nice boxer, Carmine Ragusa...an' I don't want him beatin' me up!"

"Carmine wouldn't beat you up, Len. He understands."

"Yeah, but he really loves ya, Shirl." Shirley patted Lenny's hand comfortingly.

"Have you exhausted every avenue? Been to counseling? A marriage between a hoodlum and a pajama model must have its difficulties."

Shirley sank down in her seat, but said, "We've only been married for a week, Father."

"A week?!" The priest gasped, "Sweet Father in Heaven...I won't allow you a separation until you've taken at least a week of counseling at our parish...and then you will have to meet with me. After the interview process and the correlation of witnesses..."

"How long will this take, father?"

"Around a year; and, I must warn you, the processing fee for such an annulment costs around $400 dollars."

"Four hundred?!" Shirley wailed, and then burst into tears, "There goes Valentines Day!"

"Aww, don't cry, Shirl!" Lenny soothed, "I'll get another job...maybe three...It don't matter."

"It does! I've sullied my name! I've made Carmine mad! And if the Padre who married us in the hospital knew about how quickly we split..."

"Excuse me...did you just say a 'Padre' married you at the hospital? Was it the one next-door to this church?"

"Yes, father. We were married by a priest going by the name 'Padre' a week ago..."

"Well, then, you don't need the services of the church to separate. That Padre's a fraud!"

"What?!" Lenny and Shirley cried out together.

"Oh yes; the church has been trying to stop him for over a year. He's a sham actor who's been conning families and couples in the name of the church."

"How disgraceful!"

"Yes, but at least he's behind bars now." Father O'Leerey smiled at Lenny and Shirley, "And the two of you are still pure in the eyes of the church."

"I am. Shirl's Protestant." Lenny announced.

Father O'Leerey ushered they out of his office, "This is Ms.."

"Feeney..."

"Feeney's church, too." Father O'Leerey kindly said, "And If the two of you need counseling after this traumatic time in your lives, it's on the house."

"Nah, if I'm OK anywhere, it's in the head." Lenny said, and Shirley gave him a foul look.

"Thank you, Father," She said.

"Bless You," Returned the priest, leaving them alone with their feelings.

The ex-"couple" walked, side-by-side, down the streets of Milwaukee, "Thanks for being so nice about this, Len."

"It's OK, Shirl," He said, "I knew there ain't no way you'd wanna marry a looser like me."

"Shame on you, Leonard Kosnoski!" Shirley scolded, "You happen to be a really sweet guy."

"Yeah, an' a great friend..that's what Laverne always says."

"Well, most girls like their guys as sweet as sugar," Shirley said kindly, "And you are."

They paused on the street, sharing a surprisingly meaningful look. Shirley dismissed it as the cold affecting their judgment.

They entered the Knapp Street building and paused in the lobby; one flight to take Lenny up, one to take Shirley down.

He squeezed her hand (she hadn't realized they they'd joined hands until that moment) and released it, "I'll see ya, Shirl. Good luck with Carmine." He started to walk up the stairs.

"See you Len. Good luck with Laverne."

He paused on the first landing and turned around, "Yer really givin me the blessing?" He seemed awed.

She smiled, "I think I know what it's like being kept from someone you love."

He grinned, hugely, and starting taking the steps to his apartment, two at a time.

Shirley paused upon the landing, allowing a sense of victory to wash over her. All was well; nothing had happened between she and Lenny. She could date Carmine with a clean conscious now.

Then why did she feel as though she'd given up a great thing?

Shaking her head, Shirley Feeney stifled this reaction, descending the steps to her apartment. She lived in a world where loving Lenny Kosnoski was not an option, was, in fact, a silly idea...after all, how could she be attracted to someone like THAT? She would just have to get used to that.

Wiping away one last tear, she entered her apartment.

END




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