SERIES:  Little Bitty Pretty One

PART: 1 of 1 (Shirley Version)

RATING:  PG

PAIRING(s):  This version: Shirley/Carmine  (Hinted Laverne/Lenny)

DISTRIBUTION: To Myself  so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"

 

Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!

CATEGORY: Humor, Romance

FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!

SETTING IN TIMELINE:  Pre-Cali, Post S4; Spoilers for One Flew Over Milwaukee

SUMMARY: Laverne’s young cousin comes to stay and causes Shirley to reconsider her long-insisted-upon future as a mother.

NOTES:  A dual-sided fic.  This version was written for OldTimeFan’s birthday and reflects Shirley’s experience.  The other version explores things from Laverne’s side and is for Emily L’s birthday.

 

***

 

The little canary merrily whistled “Listen to the Mockingbird” as his owner changed the lining of his cage.  “There you go, Dwayne!” chirped back his owner.  “Now I’ll freshen up your water dish...”    

 

Shirley Feeney glanced over her shoulder at the large street-level picture windows while she fixed the water dish.  A bolt of lightening streaked across the sky, illuminating the room and causing the power in their tiny apartment to flicker.  “I wish Laverne would hurry with the mail!”  On cue, her roommate burst in through the front door, hood and slicker soaked and the mail clutched between her teeth.  “Laverne!  You’re going to wreck your new crown…”  Laverne mumbled back a series of thankfully muffled curses.  Shirley intercepted her friend, helping her off with the coat and hat and taking the umbrella that seemed to be adhered to her left fist.  That allowed Laverne to remove the mail from her mouth and start studying it. 

 

“Bill, bill, bill – hey, a letter from my cousin Mary!”  Laverne ripped it open and began reading aloud:   “Dear Laverne, how are you and Cheryl…” Shirley snorted her disgust.  “We’re fine here.  I’ll make this short.  Johnny has to fly out for a convention in Grand Rapids on the fifteenth, and there’s no way in heck I’m going to let him go by himself…”

 

“Why not?” Shirley wondered.

 

“Eh, Mary says there are a lot of steel siding groupies always hanging around the hotel.  One time Johnny’s boss disappeared for three days with a chorus girl.   Anyway.  ‘We were hoping you’d be interested in sitting for your cousin Angie for the day…” Shirley let out an inhumanly loud squeal.  “Tell Cheryl to keep it down, that dog whistle of a yell could scare the undead.  We’ll drop her off by eight and be back by five in the morning.  Love, Mary.”  Laverne grinned.  “Oh boy!  You remember Angie, don’t you?”

 

Shirley grinned.  “I met her at your father’s birthday party.  She was so tiny and cute!”

 

“Yeah, there ain’t many things in this world cuter than a little kid with a stuffed frog.”

 

SLAM.  “Hello!”

 

The girls wheeled around to see Lenny and Squiggy stroll through the door, carrying a little girl of about three between them cluthing a stuffed frog in her grip. 

 

“’Re either one of you missing a kid?” Lenny asked.

 

“’Cause if you ain’t, we was gonna sell this one to the circus,” Squiggy announced. 

 

“Laverne!” piped the girl. 

 

Shirley’s eyes widened.  “Today’s the fifteenth..” she mumbled, slapping her forehead.

 

Laverne didn’t care about the date or even her roomate’s mild distress.  “Angie!” she held out her arms – the girl slipped free of the boys’ grasp and ran to her aunt.  Laverne subsequently squeezed the life out of her, soaked rain slicker or not. 

 

“Hi, Angie,” Shirley said, once Laverne had released the girl and was helping her off with her coat.  “I’m Shirley.  Do you remember me?”

 

Angie shook her head, quite shyly. 

 

“Angie, who’s that?” Laverne asked, tickling the girl under her chin.

 

“Cheryl!” Angie piped, squirming under her cousin’s fingers.

 

Shirley groaned and the boys laughed like complete idiots – which gave her the excuse to be angry with them.  “Just where did you two find her?”

 

“Sittin’ on the steps,” Squiggy said.  “She said she was lookin’ for Laverne and Cheryl, and we don’t know no Laverne n’ Cheryl, but dummy over here made me check with you…that’s five dollars we lost, Len!”

 

“So?” Lenny pouted.

 

“So, I ain’t the one who’s gonna pay for our double date with the Flying Wallbangers!” Squiggy sighed.  “We’re gonna have to go Polish treat.”

 

Lenny groaned.  “It’s always Polish treat,” he complained.

 

“These’re gymnasts, Len!” Squiggy said, quite dramatically.  “CIRCUS gymnasts.  The best kind.”  Lenny bit his palm  and giggled manically.

 

Shirley had bent to cover little Angie’s ears.  “Could you PLEASE class it up a little?  There’s a child present!”

 

Squiggy frowned.  “Well, la ti da!  I didn’t know we was standing in front of the Vanderwellingtons!”

 

Lenny frowned.   “Doncha mean the Hilenheims?”

 

Shirley shook her head in complete disgust.  “The two of you make me sick,” she said, advancing on them both as they tried to wince back into the doorframe.  “I want to, to just…OOH!”

 

“Shirl, not in front of the baby!” Laverne scolded, covering Angie’s ears again.

 

“What’s a Hillenheim?” Angie asked. 

 

“Aww geez, you’re already twistin’ her little mind,” Laverne worried, brushing back the little girl’s copper-colored hair protectively.

 

Shirley had rushed into the kitchen.  “You know what we could do while I make lunch?” Shirley asked.  She held up a handful of scrap paper and a box of crayons.  “Draw!”

 

Angie clapped her hands, Laverne mumbled something about Shirley’s brilliant ideas, and the boys made their way to the door. 

 

Shirley called out.  “Why don’t you stay here, fellas?”

“Why?” they whined simultaneously.

 

Shirley busied herself setting out paper plates.  “Laverne and I could use the extra help…and I believe there is that FAVOR you still owe us.”

 

“Yeah,” Laverne said, “I STILL can’t get those grass stains out of my good blouse.”

 

Lenny, making his way back into the apartment, whined, “that’s ‘cause I went Right Foot when I told you to use your left!”

 

“It was a three-legged race, Len!”

 

“I know it was a three legged race!  You forgot we had three legs and was usin’ your two!  I still got the bruises!  See?” He started to roll the leg of his jeans up.

 

“LEN!” Laverne protested.

 

“Don’t argue in front of the baby!” Shirley snapped out, entering the living room in a threatening manner.

 

“Aww,” they whined together, turning back to their drawings.

 

“Drawing’s for sissies, Shirl,” Squiggy complained, as he sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table. 

 

“Tell that to your psychiatrist,” Shirley mumbled, climbing up onto their stool and opening the window – now that the rain had ceased, it was suddenly terribly warm in the apartment.  That done, she headed back into the kitchen and began work on lunch.

 

“He’s a THERAPIST,” Squiggy retorted, bowing to his work.

 

*** 

 

Shirley wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead and then set out the lunch plates.  Six peanut butter sandwiches, cucumber spears, glasses of milk and banana slices, she decided, should be nutritious enough for a three-year-old.  It had certainly merited enough work – not that anyone had helped her, she thought bitterly.

 

“Whatt’re you drawing, Laverne?” Shirley heard Angie ask.

 

“A house.  Whatt’re you drawing?”

 

“A house.”  The little girl poked Squiggy.  “Whatt’re YOU drawing?”

 

“Marilyn Monroe,” Squiggy said. 

 

The little girl squinted down at the drawing.  “That’s not Marilyn Monroe,” she said.  “It’s a buncha circles!”

 

Squiggy grinned.  “Nah, that’s Marilyn Monroe.  You’re just too young to notice her circles…”

 

Lenny poked Squiggy in the ribs.  “Wouldya watch it in front of the kid?”

 

“Wouldja watch it?” Squiggy mocked in a high-pitched voice.  “Next thing I know, you’re gonna ask me to put on a manacle!”

 

“Whatt’re you drawing, Len?” Laverne wondered. 

 

Lenny shrugged.  “I was gonna do a horse, but then I ran out of brown crayon, so I thought I’d do a ghost, but I didn’t have a white one.”

 

“So what’d you draw?” Laverne wondered.

 

“A straight line.”  Lenny held up his page, which bore a crooked brown mark down the middle.

 

Shirley groaned.  “Excuse me for interrupting your stimulating conversation, but lunch is ready.”  The three ‘adults’ and child all grumbled.  “Uh uh!” Shirley snapped.  “Come right away, or it’ll get ice-cold.”  Some tiny part of her felt horror at the tone of her voice – she sounded just like her mother.

 

“It’s peanut butter,” Lenny whined.  “S’not gonna get any warmer…”

 

“EAT,” Shirley barked.

 

“No!” cried Squiggy.  “We ain’t gonna  take that kinda tone from no she-devil!  Come on, Len!  We got a date to get ready for!”

 

Lenny allowed himself to be pulled toward the door.  “Okay, long as I don’t have to blow up the wading pool.”

 

The girls traded looks as they slammed the door closed behind them.  “I’ll put it in the refrigerator,” Shirley mumbled, taking both plates and shoving them inside.  Just then, a familiar, rhythmic knock sounded at the door.  “Carmine!” she murmured, fluffing up her hair and taking off her apron. 

 

“What’s a Carmine?” asked Angie.

 

“It’s Italian for gorgeous,” swooned Shirley.  She took another moment to compose herself at the door before swinging it open.  In his sweats, he met her with a warm hug.

 

“I thought you had afternoon classes!” Shirley sighed.

 

“Half my regular Saturday kids are down with Tonsillitis,” he shrugged.  “It’s cutting through Wilkie Elementary like wildfire.”

 

“What a shame,” Shirley murmured, leaning in for a kiss.

 

“Eeww, are they gonna make a baby?” Angie wondered.

 

Carmine snorted.  “I wish…” 

 

Shirley moved back from his body, flushing slightly.  “Why did you stop by?”

 

He flashed her his biggest grin.  “I’ve got a couple of tickets to the new Doris Day picture, and I thought you might wanna come…”

 

“What’s this?” piped Angie.

 

“S’Shirley’s bird,” Laverne said, her mouth full of peanut butter.  “Eat your cucumber.”

 

“I don’t like it,” the girl whined.   “I wanna see the birdie…”

 

Shirley ignored the conversation taking place behind her.  “I can’t.  Laverne’s cousin is here, we’re caring for her ‘til tomorrow morning.”

 

“Ah, she can take care of her alone, can’t you Laverne?” Carmine asked.

 

Shirley smiled cleverly.  “Actually, I was hoping the three of us could go to the park together.”  She saw him go pale and glared.

 

“I wanna touch the birdie!” shrieked Angie.

 

“Shirl!” Laverne called, “Can Angie play with Dwayne?”

 

“Laverne!  I’m talking to Carmine!”   She wore a strained smile.  “I thought we could feed the ducks and then ride the carousel…”

 

“I wanted to spend time alone with you,” Carmine rejondered.

 

“Yes, but wouldn’t it be more fun with the baby?” she wheedled.

 

“I spend all day on my feet teaching kids that age how to tap. ”  he winced at the tone of his own voice.

 

“What are you saying, Carmine?”  Some part of Shirley winced, too, at her own cold and accusatory tone.

 

“Nice birdie…” 

 

A high-pitched tweeting filled the air.

 

“Angie!  Don’t…”  Laverne called.

 

Shirley heard the too-familiar sound of wings fluttering, followed by Laverne’s anguished cry and the sight of a yellow canary taking wing to its favorite hiding place –the windowsill.

 

Everything happened in slow-motion; Shirley’s flight to the open window, Laverne’s calling out to Carmine asking him to shut it.  Dwayne, the only being not living in slow-motion, had by then made his escape, and his mistress cried out in agony.

 

*** 

 

The park was gorgeously manicured, but Shirley didn’t feel the tropical air or the warm summer sunlight.   She and Carmine had spent hours combing the neighborhood for Dwayne, but the bird remained hidden.  Exhausted, she and Carmine had ceased their search and were plotting their next move from a park bench.

 

“It’s all my fault,” She sighed.

 

Carmine patted her knee.  “Aww, you didn’t mean for it to happen, Shirl.”

 

“I should have been paying attention to the baby, instead of my own needs.” 

 

Carmine shook his head.  “You can’t pay attention to a kid every second you’re together.  Once, one of my girls chewed up a whole pack of gum while I was taking a call and stuck it in my other kids’ hair.  You ain’t lived ‘til you’ve had to a bunch of angry housewives yelling in your ear all day.”

 

She smiled, but it quickly wavered.  “I feel like a bad mother,” she confessed.

 

“You’re not really a mother yet,” he said kindly.  “This is the first time you ever took care of a kid that old by yourself.”

 

“Yes, I thought it would come naturally,” Shirley confessed.  “I just assumed I’d know what to do, and when to do it.”

 

“Hey, everything takes practice,” Carmine told her, sidling a little closer to her.  “Especially the fun stuff.”

 

She wrapped her arms around his neck.  “You know the only man I want to have babies with some day is you…”

 

The kiss was honey sweet, and it threatened to go further than she wanted it to go in public.  The way their bodies touched took her completely out of her own head – so much so that she didn’t notice when the fluttering of a bird’s wings and the magical tweeting of her canary.

 

Both looked up, seeing the bird perched haughtily on the arm of the bench.

 

Carmine groaned softly as Shirley gently captured it.  “Even mother nature doesn’t want me to make out with you.”

 

“Huh?” Shirley wondered.

 

“Nothing,” Carmine grinned.  “Welcome back, Dwayne.”

 

The little bird responded by nibbling Carmine’s finger.

 

***

 

By the time the two of them strolled back in, arm in arm, Laverne and Angie had settled onto the couch among take-out leavings from the Pizza Bowl.  The little girl was fast asleep, and Laverne was paging through a copy of True Confessions.

 

“Did you?” Laverne whispered – Shirley placed a finger to her lips, showing Laverne the pale yellow top of Dwayne’s head as she headed into the kitchen and put him into his cage.

 

“See you,” Carmine whispered, blowing Shirley a kiss.

 

Shirley caught it, smiled, and pressed her palm to her lips.

 

Laverne grinned at her roommate – Shirley gave her a wan smile back.  “Did things go okay?” she whispered.

 

Laverne smirked back, secrets in her gaze.  “Terrific.”

 

Shirley rose a brow and gave her friend a suspicious look, but Laverne’s smile remained secretive until Lenny burst into the living room.  “Hey, I thought you should have this,” he said, none to quietly.

 

Laverne groaned and Shirley laughed.

 

In Lenny’s hand was a drawing of a boy and a girl holding hands, surrounded by tiny red hearts, the words “Lenny + Laverne” written just below their aimlessly-floating feet.

 

END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laverne's Side