SERIES:  Little Bitty Pretty One

PART: 1 of 1 (Laverne Version)

RATING:  PG

PAIRING(s):  This version: Laverne/Lenny; Shirley/Carmine

DISTRIBUTION: To Myself  so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"

 

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CATEGORY: Humor, Romance

FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!

SETTING IN TIMELINE:  Pre-Cali, Post S4; Spoilers for One Flew Over Milwaukee

SUMMARY: Laverne’s young cousin comes to stay with the girls for a day and her presence causes Laverne to reconsider her feelings for a certain someone when she runs away.

NOTES:  A dual-sided fic.  This version was written for Emily’s birthday and reflects Laverne’s experience.  The other version explores things from Shirley’s side and is for OldTimeFan’s birthday.

 

****

 

That afternoon marked a full week of nonstop, monsoon-like rain.  She could feel it pounding against her slicker as she bowed against the stoop and pried open her mailbox. 

 

The umbrella  - unwieldy as it is – at least kept her fresh perm mostly-dry.  Closing it didn’t leave her any room to maneuver the mail into the vestibule, so she stuffs the mail into her mouth and uses her elbow to  re-open the front door.

 

The first sound that greets her downstairs is Shirley’s voice – and, typically, it’s scolding.  “Laverne!  You’re going to wreck your new crown!”

 

 Laverne wanted to forget about her latest appointment with Shirley’s cousin Mikey, but she had to admit that this time the kid had done a pretty good job with her teeth.  “I’m holding it with my front ones,” she tried to say, but the mouthful of mail prevented coherent speech.  She took the opportunity to let fly with a few choice naughty words, which Shirley, who had elected to help her with the wet slicker and umbrella, fortunately couldn’t understand.   Her hands free, Laverne pulled the mail from her mouth, then began to flip through it.

 

“Bill, bill, bill…” and all of them overdue, but telling Shirley would just make her worry.  A pink onionskin envelope drew her attention – quickly, she ripped it open and pulled free the letter inside.  “Hey!  A letter from my cousin Mary!”  She read: “Dear Laverne, how are you and Cheryl?”  Laverne hid a smile at her cousin’s fumbling – Shirley had never succeeded in making much of an impression on her cousin.  “We’re fine here.  I’ll make this short.  Johnny has to fly out for a two-day convention in Grand Rapids on the fifteenth, and there’s no way in heck I’m going to let him go by himself…”

 

“Why not?” Shirley’s face was alight with curiosity.

 

Mary and Johnny were a weird couple and their relationship had been filled with hysterical bouts of jealousy.  Laverne really didn’t have a firm answer, so she shrugged.  “Eh, Mary says there are a lot of steel siding groupies always hanging around the hotel.  One time Johnny’s boss disappeared for three days with a chorus girl.”  Laverne smiled at Shirley’s scoffing noise.  “Anyway.  ‘We were hoping you’d be interested in sitting for your cousin Angie for the day…”  At this point, Shirley rent the air with a squeal of delight – the sort she normally reserved for cute puppies.   She couldn’t resist reading aloud the conclusion. “Tell Cheryl to keep it down, that dog whistle of a yell could scare the undead.  We’ll drop her off by eight and be back by five in the morning.  Love, Mary.” Laverne’s grin was an unrestrained one – two-and-a-half-year-old little Angie was her favorite second cousin, and the newest baby in her family.   “Oh boy!  You remember Angie, don’t you?”

 

Shirley, who as always couldn’t resist the notion of caring for a baby, smiled.  “I met her at your father’s birthday party.  She was so tiny and cute!”

 

Laverne couldn’t stop her own grin.  “Yeah, there ain’t many things in this world cuter than a little kid with a stuffed frog.”

 

She didn’t even need to glance at the door – of course it slammed open, admitting Lenny, Squiggy, and a little figure in a teal raincoat to the room.  The boys were in their rain gear – Lenny in a fisherman’s coat, and Squiggy in a wide-brimmed boating hat.

 

“Hello!” Squiggy uttered.

 

“’Re either one of you missing a kid?” Lenny asked.

 

“’Cause if you ain’t, we was gonna sell this one to the circus,” Squiggy told them both. 

 

“Laverne!” the little girl cried out, reaching for her, a stuffed frog clutched between her hands.

 

“Angie!”  Laverne realized, abruptly, that it was the fifteenth.  “Mail must’ve been held up,” she decided aloud, but soon her words were muffled by Angie’s hugging arms.  Shirley was bemoaning the date, and chastising the boys, but Laverne was happy to see the little girl again.

 

She had gotten taller, more articulate, and she still had Mary’s brassy hair and her father’s brown eyes.  “When’d you get so big?”

 

“I grew three inches!” she said quite proudly.

 

“Oh boy – we better get you outta that jacket, I don’t want your ma blaming me if you get sick…”

 

“Hi, Angie,” Shirley said, as Laverne helped the girl out of her coat.  “I’m Shirley.  Do you remember me?”  She responded in the negative, shyly hiding against Laverne’s waist.

 

“Angie, who’s that?” Laverne asked, tickling the girl under her chin.

 

“Cheryl!” Angie piped, squirming under her cousin’s fingers.

 

Laverne kept tickling the girl, while Shirley chastised the boys for laughing at her. 

 

“Whattya call him?” Laverne asked, taking the stuffed frog, and helping the girl onto the couch.

 

“Mister Hopper!” chortled Angie.

 

“Let’s put him over here so he can get dry…” Laverne took the toy nearer the window.   Shirley had meanwhile covered Angie’s ears, demanding Lenny ‘class it up a little’ for the girl’s benefit.  By the time Laverne got back to the couch, Shirley was on the warpath.

 

“The two of you make me sick,” she said, advancing on them both as they tried to wince back into the doorframe.  “I want to, to just…OOH!”

 

“Shirl, not in front of the baby!” Laverne scolded, covering Angie’s ears again.

 

“What’s a Hillenheim?” Angie asked. 

 

“Aww geez, you’re already twistin’ her little mind,” Laverne worried, brushing back the little girl’s copper-colored hair protectively.

 

Shirley had fled to the kitchen.  “You know what we could do while I make lunch?” Shirley asked.  She held up a handful of scrap paper and a large box of crayons.  “Draw!”

 

Laverne groaned – drawing things always reminded her of her brief time under the care of Shotz’ psychiatrist.  The boys were already beating a hasty retreat to the doorway.

 

Shirley called out.  “Why don’t you stay here, fellas?”

“Why?” they whined simultaneously.

 

Shirley busied herself setting out paper plates.  “Laverne and I could use the extra help…and I believe there is that FAVOR you still owe us.”

 

The Teamster’s Annual Fish Fry and Moonlight Mud Fight!  Boy, she was still mad at Lenny for that little stunt he’d pulled.  “Yeah,” she said, “I STILL can’t get those grass stains out of my good blouse.”

 

Lenny, making his way back into the apartment, whined, “that’s ‘cause you went right foot when I told you to use your left!”

 

She was outraged immediately.  “It was a three-legged race, Len!”

 

“I know it was a three legged race!  You forgot we had three legs and was usin’ your two!  I still got the bruises!  See?” He started to roll the leg of his jeans up.

 

“LEN!” Laverne protested, not wanting to see his bare skin.

 

“Don’t argue in front of the baby!” Shirley snapped out, entering the living room in a threatening manner.

 

“Aww,” they whined together, turning back to their drawings.

 

“Drawing’s for sissies, Shirl,” Squiggy complained, as he sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table, dripping all over the floor – Laverne nearly asked the boys to take off their coats before realizing that might encourage them to stay. 

 

Shirley mumbled something Laverne couldn’t understand, then climbed up onto the shelves and opened one of the windows, letting in a breath of clean fresh air.

 

“He’s a THERAPIST,” Squiggy retorted to Shirley’s unheard quip, making Laverne smile.

 

***

 

As always, Laverne found simply ‘drawing’ harder than coloring or connecting dots.   She started out by drawing a heart, then crossed it out.  Simpler things – a house.  A dog.  A car.

 

“Whatt’re you drawing, Laverne?” Angie asked.

 

Laverne shrugged.  “A house.  Whatt’re you drawing?”

 

“A house.”  The little girl showed her the picture – red lines and stick figures made up a child’s eye portrait of her parent’s place in Great Neck.  Angie then poked Squiggy with her silver crayon.  “Whatt’re YOU drawing?”

 

Squiggy held up his picture.  “Marilyn Monroe.”

 

The little girl squinted down at the drawing.  “That’s not Marilyn Monroe,” she said.  “It’s a buncha circles!”

 

Squiggy grinned.  “Nah, that’s Marilyn Monroe.  You’re just too young to notice her circles…”

 

Laverne attempt at chastising her friend was interrupted by Lenny.  Poking Squiggy in the ribs, he asked, “wouldya watch it in front of the kid?”

 

“Wouldja watch it?” Squiggy mocked in a high-pitched voice.  “Next thing I know, you’re gonna ask me to put on a manacle!”

 

“Whatt’re you drawing, Len?” Laverne wondered. 

 

Lenny shrugged.  “I was gonna do a horse, but then I ran out of brown crayon, so I thought I’d do a ghost, but I didn’t have a white one.”

 

“So what’d you draw?” Laverne wondered.

 

“A straight line.”  Lenny held up his page, which bore a crooked brown mark down the middle.

 

“That’s nice, Len,” Laverne smiled encouragingly.

 

 “Excuse me for interrupting your stimulating conversation, but lunch is ready.”  The three ‘adults’ and child all grumbled at Shirley’s announcement.  “Come right away, or it’ll get ice-cold.” 

 

Laverne winced – Shirley sounded EXACTLY like her mother. 

 

“It’s peanut butter,” Lenny whined as he headed toward the dining area.  “S’not gonna get any warmer…”

 

Laverne silently agreed once confronted with the P&B sandwiches, milk, bananas and cucumbers awaiting them.

 

“EAT,” Shirley barked, slapping plates onto the table.

 

“No!” cried Squiggy, standing up as tall as he could.  “We ain’t gonna  take that kinda tone from no she-devil!  Come on, Len!  We got a date to get ready for!”

 

Lenny allowed himself to be pulled toward the door.  “Okay, long as I don’t have to blow up the wading pool.”  In an instant, both boys were gone.

 

The girls traded looks as the door slammed shut.  “I’ll put it in the refrigerator,” Shirley mumbled, taking both plates and shoving them inside.  Just then, a familiar, rhythmic knock sounded at the door.   “Carmine!” she murmured, fluffing up her hair and taking off her apron. 

 

“What’s a Carmine?” asked Angie.

 

“It’s Italian for gorgeous,” swooned Shirley.  Laverne rolled her eyes at her best friend’s giggly proclaiment.  As Shirley attended to Carmine, she focused in on Angie.  “Eat your sandwich.”

 

“It’s got crusts,” the girl pouted.

 

Laverne reached over, took the kid’s sandwich and ripped the browned edges off.  “There you go.”

 

Angie was busy watching Shirley and Carmine as they kissed.  “Eeww, are they gonna make a baby?” she wondered.

 

Carmine snorted.  “I wish…” 

 

“Pay attention to your food,” Laverne requested.  Between the two of them, the sandwiches, half of the milk, and most of the banana were consumed, and as soon as her plate emptied Angie became fidgety.  She suddenly noticed Dwayne tweeting from the center of the table.

 

“What’s this?” piped Angie.

 

“S’Shirley’s bird,” Laverne said, her mouth full of peanut butter.  “Eat your cucumber.”

 

“I don’t like it,” the girl whined.   “I wanna see the birdie…”

 

Laverne cast worried eyes toward Shirley, but her best friend appeared so frazzled by Carmine that Laverne decided to handle it herself.  “Just forget about it and eat.”

 

“No!” Angie pouted.

 

“YES,” Laverne snapped, “s’not your bird!”

 

Angie let out a perilous little whine.  Laverne wavered – she didn’t want to risk the kid bursting into tears – and if she tattled to her mother….

 

“I wanna touch the birdie!” shrieked Angie.

 

“Shirl!” Laverne called, “Can Angie play with Dwayne?”

 

“Laverne!  I’m talking to Carmine!”   That much was obvious, but Laverne wanted her friend’s advice.  The tone said ‘handle it yourself.’  Laverne shrugged.

 

“Okay -  lemme help you.”  She bent over the table and started to work on the delicate wire hinges keeping Dwayne imprisoned.  The canary began to hop about the interior of his cage, afraid of the already-grasping hands of Angie.

 

“Be careful,” Laverne instructed, as she opened the cage door and carefully grasped the bird.  Dwayne’s little yellow head peered over the top of her fist, and he began to emit a series of alarmed peeps. 

 

Angie picked that minute to reach out and grab at Dwayne.  “Nice birdie,” she cooed.

 

Her grasp, a little too harsh, made the bird panic, shed feathers and flap his way to the window.

 

“Angie!  Don’t –“

 

Shirley’s cries of shock filled the room, and she rushed toward the open window.  Before anyone could think or manage movement, Dwayne had flown from the scene.

 

Laverne sat, paralyzed at her spot.  Angie’s piping treble followed.  “Sorry.  I didn’t mean to…”

 

“Search party!  We need a search party!” Shirley grabbed Carmine by the shoulders.  “You come with me.”

 

Carmine nodded, following her out of the room.

 

“I’ll watch Ang-“ Laverne’s voice was swiftly cut off by the slamming of the front door.  “It’s okay, Ang, she didn’t…”

 

“I didn’t mean to!”  The little girl wailed, running blindly through the living room and into the girls’ bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

 

And locking it.

 

*** 

 

“Thanks for coming on such short notice, Pop.”

 

Frank grumbled, his toolbox clutched in one thick fist, a box of pizzas under his arm.  “Leave you girls alone with a kid for five minutes and she gets locked up!”

 

“I didn’t mean to do it, Pop,” she winced at the echo of Angie’s words.  “ANGIE!” she yelled through the door, “Uncle Frank’s here – he’s gonna get you out.”

 

“I don’t wanna come out!” the little girl whined.

 

“Ey!”  Frank yelled.  “If you ain’t good, you don’t get your share of pizza!”

 

“You brought pizza?” Angie sniffled.

 

“I brought pizza for good little girls.  You gonna be a good little girl?”

 

“I’ll try…”

 

Frank knelt on the floor, screwdriver in hand.  “Better not do this when you have kids…no way to take care of a grandkid of mine…”

 

Laverne winced.  “I’m sorry, Pop…Lemme take care of the pizzas…” she took them, carried them into the living room.  “Aww, you got anchovies?”

 

“I love anchovies!” Piped Angie.

 

“Damn cheap lock,” Frank muttered, ignoring them both.     “Aha…AHA…THERE!” the doorknob spun, the door comming open. 

 

“Aww, thanks Pop!”  Laverne ran over and grabbed her father, smothering him in a hug.  “You ain’t gonna tell Mary, are you?”

 

“She’ll have to get in line,” Frank shrugged.  “’Cause I’LL be yelling at you first.  Stupido, what were you thinking?!”

 

She patted him on the chest fondly, ignoring his anger.  “It’s not my fault Pop – she locked HERSELF in there.  ANGIE!” She hollered, “come out!”

 

There was a protracted silence.   “ANGIE,” Laverne snapped, her patience frayed. 

 

“What’s this?”  a clanging noise sounded from within her bedroom. 

 

“ANGIE!” Laverne bellowed. 

 

“Don’t yell at the kid!  You’re gonna make her upset!”

 

Laverne instantly went into wheedle mode.  “Pop!  Yanno, Edna always gets really mad when you’re late…”

 

Frank smirked.  “You want me to go?”

 

“Please?”

 

Frank grunted.  “Ya want me when ya need help, then ya don’t wanna take my advice…”

 

“I’m sorry, Pop…”

 

“Yeah, yeah…I’ll see you Sunday…BE GOOD, ANGIE,” Frank bellowed. 

 

“Bye, Mister Walrus!” the little girl yelled.

 

Frank growled.  “She gets her smart mouth from her mother…” he grumbled, heading out the door.

 

Laverne shut it firmly behind her.  “Angie, get out here!”

 

“No!”

 

“Why not?!”

 

“’Cause, I’m drawin’.”

 

That was how the conversation went for a full half-hour.  Soon, Laverne was ready to sing the praise of corporal punishment.  “I’ll let you play with Boo Boo Kitty!”

 

“NO!”

 

“Well, what DO ya want, kid?”

 

“I wanna draw.  And… I want Dwayne back!” she sniffled.

 

“Aww geez,” Laverne muttered.  A bright idea popped into being.  She ran to the dumbwaiter, threw it open and shouted upward, “LENNY!  SQUIGGY!”

 

“SQUIGGY AIN’T HOME NO MORE,” Lenny yelled back.  “HE WENT TO GO GET GLORIA AND ALLISON.  WHATTYA WANT?”

 

“GET DOWN HERE!”

 

“AWW, DO I HAVE TO?”

 

“LENNY.”

 

“ALL RIGHT!”

 

Laverne shook her head.  “Desperate measures.” She mumbled to herself. 

 

Lenny appeared a few moments later, in his white teeshirt and otherwise wearing what could only be described as passion pink pajamas bottoms, his guitar strapped across his back.  Laverne’s incredulous laughter made him glower.

 

“Whattya need?” he wondered.

 

“Help,” she admitted.  “Angie won’t come out of my room, and she’s getting’ into stuff…”

 

“I’m not snooping,” Angie announced, with great dignity.  “I’m drawing.”

 

“You’re the only person I know who’s home, and my Pop wasn’t helping…more like yelling.”

 

“Hey, hey hey kid…” Lenny said to the closed doorway.  “You gonna come out of there and stop making your cousin feel bad?”

 

“Hay is for horses,” Angie informed them, a slight quaver in her voice betraying her sorrow about Dwayne. 

 

“Stubborn kid,” Lenny remarked and then, to his complete surprise, realized that Laverne was wiping the corners of her eyes.  “You okay?”

 

She shrugged.  “It’s all my fault,” Laverne said.  “I’m a lousy mom, Len, just like Pop said!”

 

“You’re not a mom,” Lenny frowned.  “Unless you had a baby when I was on shift yesterday.” She managed a small smile and shook her head.  “Your Pop’s always hard on you.  S’how he works.”

 

“Yeah,” she shrugged.  “I just thought it was gonna be easier.  I always wanted to be a mom.”

 

“It ain’t easy to take care of a kid by yourself.  Remember when Fonzie left you his friend’s baby?”

 

She hadn’t quite forgiven him for that little stunt, despite the knee-shaking kissing.  “Yeah…”

 

“And all those times you had to babysit missus Ockmonick’s kids when we was teenagers?” Lenny shook his head.  “I’m surprised you ain’t bearin’.”

 

“Barren.  That’s not how that happens, Len.”

 

“Oh,” Lenny sighed.  He reached out and, quite unexpectedly, brushed a thumb over her cheek.  “You’re still leakin’,” he noted informally.

 

“Yeah…” Laverne flushed.  “You’re being really nice to me, Len.”

 

“You look like you need it.”  He patted her cheek, his hand slipping through her hair and catching in the strands of her freshly-washed perm.

 

A pause, pregnant with emotion, passed.  Then quite unexpectedly, she threw her arms around his neck and slammed her body into his, the impact making him oof and nearly fall onto the floor and their lips smashing against each other.   After a long, awkward hug she pulled herself away from him.  “Thanks,” she mumbled. 

 

At that very minute, the door opened.  Angie emerged, smiling, a piece of paper in her hand.  “This is for you.”  She handed it to Lenny.

 

“Thanks, kid,” he mumbled awkwardly.  “Uh…I guess…”

 

Laverne hadn’t moved since their lips made contact.  “Uh, yeah…you’d better…”

 

“Yeah, wouldn’t wanna keep Allison or Gloria waiting…”

 

“Allison.  And nah…” Lenny flushed.  “Uh, I’ll see you guys later…” he stumbled back out the door.

 

Laverne watched him go, a tiny smile on her face.  It dissolved when she remembered Angie’s naughty behavior.  “Okay, kiddo….”

 

“I’m sorry, Laverne,” she said.  “I just felt really bad ‘cause I made Dwayne get lost.”

 

Laverne wavered, just a tad.  “It’s okay.  Carmine and Shirley’ll find ‘im.  In the meanwhile, why don’t I turn on As The World Turns?”

 

The girl peered at her suspiciously.

 

“I’ll let you paint my nails…”

 

The girls’ shriek nearly matched Shirley’s for its power. 

 

***

 

Hours later, Laverne sat reading an old copy of True Confessions.  Her perm was beyond mussed, her nails painted strange shades of aqua and red, and soon she’d probably break out from the amount of pizza she’d had.

 

She only had to glance at the sleeping Angie to feel a whole lot better.

 

Shirley and Carmine slipped through the front door – Laverne was filled to the brim with questions.

 

“Did you?” Laverne she – Shirley placed a finger to her lips, showing Laverne the pale yellow top of Dwayne’s head as she headed into the kitchen and put him into his cage.

 

“See you,” Carmine whispered, blowing Shirley a kiss.

 

Shirley placed Dwayne back in his cage, caught the kiss, smiled, and pressed her palm to her lips.

 

Laverne grinned at her roommate – they were getting along again, Dwayne was home and all was well.  Shirley gave her a wan smile back.

 

 “Did things go okay?” she whispered.

 

Laverne smirked back.  “Terrific.”

 

Shirley rose a brow and gave her friend a suspicious look, but Laverne’s smile remained sphinxlike until Lenny burst into the living room.  “Hey, I thought you should have this,” he said, none to quietly.

 

Laverne groaned and Shirley laughed.

 

In Lenny’s hand was a drawing of a boy and a girl holding hands, surrounded by tiny red hearts, the words “Lenny + Laverne” written just below their aimlessly-floating feet.

 

END

Shirley's Side