The Ghosts of Royal Cactus
Chapter Five
By Missy

"An' then he walked right out!" Laverne tossed her whisky sour, at full strength, down her throat.

"Oh, Vernie, don't worry yourself; I'm sure Lenny's just a little upset with you..."

"Yes, you'll see each other at the reception," Rhonda said, smiling, but the implication was Do Not Ruin Rhonda's Wedding. Laverne smiled weakly; Cowboy Bills, which had shut down for the young women that night, somehow looked even more empty than normal.

Edna strolled into the room, carrying a cake baked in an inappropriate shape. Laverne hooted, Shirley squealed, and Edna's look was sardonic, "I'm willing to bet Squiggy's isn't this big." She produced a medium-sized knife, "Circumcision time?"

Shirley turned green, "Please, tell me this thing is NOT raspberry-jelly filled."

"Nope. Cream-filled." Edna rolled her eyes as Shirley squealed, "Just have an éclair, Shirley."

"Please tell me this bachelorette party won't involve too much smut."

"Don't worry," Laverne joked, "I'll ask th' stripper to wiggle his stuff in Rhonda's face," She winked, causing Shirley to squeal again, "Boy, Shirl, I thought Walter woulda broadened your horizons a little bit..."

Shirley sighed, "What Walter and I did isn't anyone's concern..."

"Ah," Edna smirked, "I know that look. Husband Number Four taught me it. That means he's really, really lousy."

A mouthful of whipped cream introduced itself to Laverne's sinus cavity as she laughed out loud. Pouting, Shirley shook her head.

"I wouldn't really...actually...how could you tell?"

"Please, Shirl...you like your fish cold. Except for Carmine," The rest of the women hooted in agreement with Shirley's choice in men, and Laverne's statement.

"Don't you make fun of poor Carmine!" Shirley pouted.

"Nah, I won't. He looks bad enough...He's like a walking anti-drug add." Rhonda added.

Shirley sighed, "New York doesn't agree with him. We need to get him away from that place."

Laverne shook her head, "Can't do that, Shirl. No guy's willing to be led by the nose."

"She's right," Edna concluded, "I've tried."

A knock sounded at the restaurant's front door, and Laverne leapt to her feet, "Paco's here!"

Shirley groaned, "I think I'll go freshen my drink."

Rhonda licked her lips, "Bring on the stud!"

Edna smirked, "I'm almost afraid to find out what the boys are doing right now..."

***

"...An' I don't know what ta do!" Lenny lamented. Comfortingly, Squiggy punched his best friend in the shoulder.

"Ya gotta say yer sorry ta her," Squiggy announced, "Chicks don't say they're sorry for nothin'."

Carmine laughed bitterly, "Yeah, Squig's right."

Lenny crossed his arms over his chest, "I ain't gonna say I'm sorry." He glared at Squiggy, "It was YER idea, Squig! Every single time I would go after Laverne, ya said she'd love it!"

Squiggy coughed, smiling weakly, "Yeah, I knew she wanted ya!"

"Yeah, but when that guy got her in New York," Lenny scratched the back of his neck, "She ain't exactly liked the idea of me goin' after her like that."

"Then woo her," Carmine took a long drag from the cigarette hanging from his mouth. Lenny frowned; Carmine seemed unusually attached to that funny-smelling thing.

"Will ya stop whinin', Len?!" Squiggy complained, "Yer annoyin' the strippers!" He smiled up, lasciviously, at a tired-looking blonde, "Hey, Bambi."

The blonde smiled, though her eyes were an effective deterrent as a can of mace might be, "Hello, Squiggmond."

"It's Squiggman!"

"So, your usual?" She asked, continuing the conversation while removing the top half of a cowgirl costume.

"Yeah, fer one last old time's sake."

The blonde raised a brow, "One last time?"

"Yeah! Yer lookin' at the marryin' man!"

The blonde grinned, and this time her smile was genuine, "In that case," She concluded, "This one's on the house.."

***

Laverne rose early the following morning; her mouth tasted of vomit and her eyes felt unusually heavy, but that was her usual modus operandi after a night filled with 'one-too-manies'.

Rhonda sat in her living room, getting her hair done, right beside Veenie, the only bright-eyed, bushy-tailed member of the bridal party. She realized that the bright-eyed, very blond woman scrubbing Rhonda's nails was the blond's mother; she found herself entombed in a very fleshy hug.

"I'm so please to meet little Ro-Ro's friends!" She patted Laverne's cheek, "Girl, you could use some meat on ya!"

Laverne smiled wanly, "Uhm, thanks," her eyes fell on Veenie, who was covered in makeup, "I don't know if her ma would want..." From the corner of her eyes, she noticed Shirley crawling down the stairway, clutching the ramp, "Shirl!"

"I'm OK.." She staggered into the room, "Why did I get so drunk last night!"

"Well, Paco pulled out his magic 8 balls and you..."

Shirley covered her ears, "I don't want to know!" She turned beet red, "Hello...what are you doing in Laverne's apartment?"

"Shirley, this is my mom!" Rhonda explained, "Mom, this is Shirley Feeney."

"How nice to meet you," Rhonda's mother offered her hand to Shirley, who shook it even as the room insistently spun. "Come, sit down; I'm doing everyone's nails and hair today."

Shirley sat, cautiously, on the couch next to her daughter. "My goodness, how grown-up you look!"

Veenie pouted, "I don't look like a princess, Mamma."

"I know," Shirley smiled, her voice conspiratorial and her expression warm, "We'll work around that."

***

The boys were already at the church, pressing their drunken flesh into tuxedos. Lenny vowed, privately and to himself, that his own wedding to Laverne would involve as few strippers as possible.

Squiggy entered the Groom's dressing area with Hector Kestenbaum on his arm. "Len!"

"Hector!!" They embraced, vigorously slapping one another upon the back, "Hey, man, long time and no see!"

"Yeah, It's been too long!" Hector took a long look at his old friend, "You look happy!"

"Yeah..." He leaned close to Hector and whispered conspiratorially, "Confidentially, I'm gettin' married myself, soon."

"Nah!!"

"Yeah!"

"To who?!"

"Laverne DeFazio!"

Hector's face fell, "My Laverne?!" He wailed.

"She ain't never been yer Laverne!" Lenny frowned, "Sides, you were always the one with the hots fer Anne Marie!"

"Yeah, and look how well that turned out!" The men hooted, coming to a silence as Frank and two security guards swept into the room. The guard raced about the room, checking to make sure that everything was 'seccure'.

"All clear!" They shouted, the dragged Frank out of the room and into the Bride's quarters.

"What's all that about?" Hector spat.

Lenny smiled, "Mr. DeFazio's runnin' for Governor."

"Ohh...boy, he must be happy Laverne's finally gettin' married."

Lenny squirmed, "Well, actually."

"He ain't told her pop," Squiggy finished, buttoning one last button at the top of his aqua-colored tuxedo.

Hector laughed, "I can't blame ya, man."

"Yeah, well, one of us has gotta tell him soon," If we still got an engagement, Lenny added silently. Suddenly, an Entre Act played below in the chapel, and an elderly priest entered the room.

"We're ready to begin. Is everyone present?"

Squig grinned, "All accounted for. Let's go for it!"

Carmine, Hector and the priest filed out of the room, but Lenny clapped his palm over Squiggy's shoulder. "Yer sure about this one, Squig?"

Squiggy nodded.

The two best friends shook hands, to a chorus of "Stupid!" and rushed out of the room for the ceremony.

**

Rhonda's bridal party had arrived four minutes late, and were in the process of making last-minute adjustments to their bouquets and trying not to be nervous around Frank's guards when a nun knocked at the door.

"Father Cahil says the ceremony's ready to commence."

Rhonda smiled, "Thank you," She turned nervously to her mother as the door closed, "Oh, Mommy!"

"I know, Princess, I know!" They hugged, "Everybody ready?" The assembled women nodded, "Let's go get married!"

Shirley winced, "I really she wouldn't use the royal 'we' in this situation..."

***

Downstairs, the men paired off with their ladies; Squiggy stood fidgeting with Father Cahil at the end of a very long aisle. Carmine took Shirley's arm; Hector took Rhonda's mother's arm, Veenie stood at the head of the line with her flowers at the ready. Suddenly, the wedding march struck up, and Frank took Rhonda's arm.

"Rhonda," She said softly, then corrected herself, "I want to thank you for walking me down the aisle, Mr. DeFazio."

He smiled, "I understand." Rhonda's father had passed away when she was a small girl. Frank understood that Edna would be forced to fill in for his Josephine when she married.

He glared at the way Lenny Kosnoski embraced her. He only hoped it wasn't that greasy bum. Lord, anyone but him...

The line dragged itself down the aisle; Veenie skipping; Shirley forcibly holding up a staggering Carmine; Lenny and Laverne, both avoiding looking at one another. Squiggy's heart fell into his knees when he locked eyes with Rhonda. The clasped hands feverently, and Father Cahil began his homily.

The ceremony passed smoothly; Rhonda's vows were traditional, but Squiggy couldn't resist writing his own.

"Rhonda, My treasure...you're really, really good lookin'."

Laverne laughed out loud. Much less than Lenny did that morning. But his eyes misted over, as hers did, when Squiggy and Rhonda were pronounced man and wife.

***

The small family party had closed down Cowboy Bills for the afternoon, and on the stage a honkey tonk band played swing tunes and old favorites.

Laverne was the most miserable person there. Lenny was a close runner-up; he was cheered, momentarily, by a slice of wedding cake. The bandleader announced Rhonda and Squiggy's first dance, to the non-ironic tune of "Could I have This Dance".

It caused Lenny to bolt to Cowboy Bill's decorative rock garden.

Laverne found herself following, sitting beside him on an expansive rock. They sat, back to back.

"I kin keep this up for a long time, Vernie," Lenny said, to no one in particular.

Laverne took a deep breath, and they both turned to face each other.

"I'm sorry." They said, collectively, followed up by a "Really?!"

"I'm sorry I got into bed without askin'."

"An' I'm sorry I overreacted."

The ice between them melted, "I'm sorry!" They said again, then hugged. Lenny's lips grazed her brow.

"Boy, I hope every fight we have's gonna be fixable like this." He cuddled her, dropping his grip when Frank's shouts reached their ears.

"Muffin, ya gotta come in an' see this; I'm teachin' Veenie the Bunny hop!"

Laverne smiled, "I'll be right there, Pop." She patted Lenny's knee in a not-too-friendly manner and stood. She glanced over her shoulder, winking at him.

"Soon?" He mouthed.

"Soon." She confirmed, disappearing back into the restaurant.





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To "The Best and Brightest"
























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