2000 Ways To The Future

Rated: PG-13

Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

Opening Scene
INT.Bardwell's Department store

Laverne and Shirley are entering into a room that only has three walls...and one big window. It was a show room, Bardwell's Main Show Window which would change their lives...FOREVER! Mr. Hildebrand, their boss, is showing them around and telling them that they have to spend the weekend living in the show room window to demonstrate the House of the Future. The girls had a bathroom, kitchen, bed, closet, trash compressor, a table, and two chairs.

Mr. Hildebrand: Now, is everything set?

Shirley: Yes,sir.

Mr.Hildebrand: I'll expect you back here tomorrow morning. I hope you won't disappoint me.

Shirley: No,no,sir. You won't be disappointed.(she puts her arm around Laverne) Laverne and I will be the best show room girls your store has ever had.

Mr. Hildebrand: Yes, well, 7:00 sharp.(He went back into the main show room)

Scene 1 (6:30pm) [Laverne and Shirley's appartment]

Laverne and Shirley come home and slowly walk up the stairs to their bedroom.

Shirley:(with exhaust) Oh Laverne, who would have thought that the store would have another free gift wrapping day.

Laverne: I know, this one lady wanted me to gift wrap her son.

The girls took off their blazers and went into the bathroom. When they came out, they both went back down stairs.

Laverne: Shirl, do you know where the t.v. guide is?

Shirley: No.

Laverne: I'm thirsty. I'm going into the kitchen and make myself a milk and pepsi. Could you see if the t.v. guide fell inside the couch cushions or somethin'?

Shirley looked inside the couch cushions. She felt around until she found something. When she pulled it out, it was a torn shirt with a note stuck to it that read: "Laverne, thanks for the fun night. I'll never forget it.-Carmine.

Shirley:(to herself) Not again. She promised me that she would never touch Carmine.

She sees something poking out of the couch cushion. It was a pair of snagged pantie hose and right underneath it was the t.v.guide along with a detached "L."

Laverne: Did you find it?

Shirley:(getting up) Yes, Laverne, I found it, but I don't like what I see.

Laverne: Did Squiggy draw on the cover again?

Shirley: No, Laverne! I was talking about these items.

She pulls up the shirt and the pantie hose.

Laverne: Yeah, so?

Shirley: Why were they in the couch, Laverne?!

Laverne: I don't know.

Shirley: You must know something, Laverne, (she pulls out the "L") because this "L" doesn't stand for "Shirley!"

Laverne: (thinks for a momment) Oh, I know! That must be the "L" that came off of me when I was making out with... oh, nevermind.

Shirley: Who, Laverne?...Carmine??

Laverne: Carmine?

Shirley: So you admit it!! (she jumps on Laverne)

Laverne: No, Shirl! It was Mike!! The guy I met at work! I had on my "L" when I came home with him, but when he left, it was gone.

Shirley: Then, how do you explain THIS??!!! (handed Laverne a note)

Laverne: (reading aloud) Thanks for the fun night. (ends) Shirl, come on. Do you think I would do something like this to you again? (Beat) This is a thank you note from when I sewed his pants up for him. He did a singing telegram for a love sick gorilla!

Shirley: What about the torn shirt?

Laverne: He accidently went into the lion's cage, Shirl. I meant what I said about never touching Carmine again. Don't you believe me?

Shirley: Well... look me in the eye and tell me you didn't do it.

Laverne: (looking into Shirley's eyes) I didn't do it.

They made a pact to never touch the other ones boyfriend.

Scene 2
INT.Bardwell's Main Show Window - 7am

Laverne: I can't believe he put us in here.

Shirley: Well, we're in here and we should make the most of our time. (Beat) Here.

Shirley Hands her a book.

Laverne: "10 Things A Girl Shouldn't Do On A Date?" I believe I'm beyond that point.

Shirley: Just read, okay?

Laverne: (opens the book) Chapter one, "How To Say No. (reads on) If you are asked to his place after dinner, you just say no." (smiling) Well, I'm always ready for desert.

Shirley: You had to climb smut mountain again, didn't you, Laverne?

Laverne: (flips through the pages) I've already said "yes" to all this stuff...especially chapter 5.

Shirley: Well, Laverne, do something else.

Laverne got up and walked over to the kitchen area. She sees a red button marked "Don't Push" Laverne, being very bored, bumps it with her shoulder. The store makes a loud BANG and THUMP!

Shirley: Laverne, what just happened?

Laverne: (putting her hands up and backing away) It wasn't me.

Shirley: (looking out the window, gasping) That fence and those buildings weren't there before.

Laverne: What happened to the crowd of people?

A man came through the door carrying an IMAC computer in for display.

Man: What are you doing here? Only employees are allowed in here.

Shirley: We work here.

Man: You do? Where's your employee identification card?

Shirley: We don't have that. Just let me speak to Mr. Hildebrand. He can straighten this whole thing out.

Man: Who's he?

Shirley: Your boss, our boss... Mr. Hildebrand!

Man: No lady, I work for Calvin Cline, Ralph Lauren, Guess... it's called a store and we have managers... on every floor. Now why don't you just leave before I have to call one of them.

Laverne: How would you like a fist right through your mouth?!

Shirley: Come on, Laverne. Let's go home now. (sweetly) I'm sorry if we've caused you any inconvenience.

Laverne and Shirley went outside of the store, but couldn't find their car.

Shirley: Well, I guess we're going to have to call Carmine to pick us up. Do you have a dime?

Laverne: No.

Shirley: (sees a man sitting on the sidewalk) I'll just ask this gentleman in here. Excuse me, sir, but do you have a dime?

Man #2: (slurring) Is that how much you bimbos charge now?

Shirley: (goes to Laverne) No luck.

Laverne: Here, let me try. (she walks up to a man that came out of the store. Shirley stands there and watches. He gives her some money and she walks back to Shirley) You see, Shirl, it wasn't that hard. Did you know that it costs 35 cents to call home now?

Shirley: That's terrible. Remind me to write to our congressman about that.

Laverne: You know, Shirl? These cars have changed since we came to work this morning.

Shirley: It's almost 1968, Laverne.

Laverne: True, but, I have this feeling that something ain't right. Look at the way everyone's dressed. (a girl with pink hair, pierced nose, and eyebrows sttod near the girls. She lit up a cigerette and leaned against a pole.) Don't look now, but one of them is right next to you, Shirl.

Shirley: (she looked) Oh!

Girl: What are you looking at, bitch?

Shirley: Sorry, excuse me. (turns to Laverne) Foul, isn't she?

Girl: Are you talking about me, bitch?

Laverne: Hey you! Don't call her that! You shouldn't be using tha language!

Girl: What are you, her mother?

Laverne: (rolls up her sleeves) You'll be crying for YOURS when I get through with you.

Shirley: Laverne, stop. (takes Laverne to the phone booth) Call Carmine.

Girl: (yelling) Hey, come back! I need somewhere to put my butt and your face will do just fine!

Shirley: Lets go, Laverne. I don't like it here.

The girls hailed a cab that took them to 113 1/2 Laurel Vista. When they got there, a sign outside read: NO TRESPASSING. Laverne and Shirley got out of the cab.

Shirley: What happened, Laverne?

Laverne: This is probably one of Lenny and Squiggy's gags.

Cab Driver: That will be $5.50.

Laverne: We'll go in there and get the money.

Cab Driver: Goes get your money. (to Laverne) YOU stay here.

She went upstairs and tried to open the door, but it was locked. She remember that there wasn't a key because they left their purses and luggage at Bardwell's. Hoping that Rhonda had slipped into their apartment for sun bathing, Shirley rang the door bell. The door opened and Jack Nickolson answered in a frump.

Shirley: (sweetly) Hello.

Jack: (retorts) What do you want?

Shirley: Is this 113 1/2 Laurel Vista?

Jack: Yeah, what of it?

Shirley: Well, I live here.

Jack: (condescending tone) No, you don't.

Shirley: I think I live here.

Jack: Well, I own the builing.

Shirley: Where's my Boo Boo Kitty?

Jack: What the HELL is a Boo Boo kitty?

Shirley: Nevermind. I was here this morning.

Jack: If you were, I sure didn't know about it. I've own this building since 1988.

Shirley: What's your name?

Jack: Jack "Fucking" Nickolson

Shirley: Oh, yeah. I saw you in One Frew Over The Cookoo's Nest. Oh, and I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

Jack: WHAT happened to me?!!

Shirley: At the end of the movie you died. I'm glad to see that you're doing much better now.

Jack: (brief pause) What?

Shirley: Just think, you were given a second chance just like Jimmy Stewart had in It's A Wonderful Life. You can breathe the fresh air, go to the park and feed the squirrels that didn't stock up for the winter, maybe you could give all your money to charity. I need $5.50 for cab fare.

Jack: Where do they teach you to talk like this? Some Mickey Mouse wanna hump-hump bar? Or is it pity party day and you're just trying to get money from me? Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here. Now, fuck off!!!!

Shirley stands flabber gasted making high-pitch, "uh, uh, uh" sounds and he slams the door in her face.


She goes back outside to Laverne.

Laverne: Did you get the money?

Shirley: (whiney) No! Instead I was insulted by Jack Nickolson!

Laverne: From One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest?

Shirley: Yes, Laverne! (breif pause) I guess we'll be put in jail, right?

Laverne: Nope. I took care of the WHOLE thing.

Shirley: Good, but... nevermind. I don't think I want to know. (gasps) Oh my gosh!!!!

Laverne: What, Shirl?

Shirley points to an antique store window where their things, including Boo Boo Kitty, were on display.

Laverne: (peeking in the window) My clothes.

Shirley: My cat, Laverne! We've got to bail him out! I can't imagine life without him!

Laverne: Or my "L's!"

Laverne noticed a newspaper at her feet. She picked it up and looked at the cover. It read: "PRESIDENT'S LAST WEEK IN THE WHITE HOUSE."

Laverne: Hey, Shirl, doesn't Presisdent (Lyndon Baines) Johnson have 2 more years in office?

Shirley: 1 1/2, Laverne.

Laverne: Huh?

Shirley: President Johnson has 1 1/2 years left in office.

Laverne: 1 1/2 years, who cares, that's not the point.

Shirley: What is the point, Laverne?

Laverne: The point IS, the newspaper says that the president has one more week in the White House. Isn't that the least bit funny to you? A lot of strange things have been happening to us since 8am this morning. We've been insulted by half the state of California, not to mention, our stuff is on display in an antique shop.

Shirley: You're right, Laverne. (looks at the paper with Laverne) Who's President Clinton?

Laverne: (notices the date and bugs out her eyes) I don't believe it.

Shirley: What?

Laverne: The date says, December 8, 2000. (brief pause and stares out into space) We're 33 years into the future.

They both were in a dazed stooper.

Scene 3
A week later
The Rosie O'Donnell Show - 10:00am

Laverne and Shirley went to New York to take their minds off L.A. and the rude people they met there. While site seeing, Rosie O'Donnell recognized them while taking her children to the park. She asked them to be on her show.

Rosie: Hello and welcome back. When I saw these two girls in Central Park, I knew I had to have them on my show. They were stunt women in the 1965, Troy Donahue movie, "Before Time Began." Watch. (shows clip) Let's welcome Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney!

The audience applauds. They both came out and waved, Rosie gave them both a hug and sat down.

Rosie: Well, hi, Laverne and Shirley. (laughs) You know, that would make a cute t.v. show. (brief pause) Are you from New York, Laverne? You have a strong accent.

Laverne: I'm from Brooklyn.

Light Cheers in the audience.

Rosie: Really? My good friend Penny Marshall grew up in the Bronx. I grew up on Long Island, in Commack.

Laverne: That's nice.

Rosie: Do you still live in New York?

Laverne: No, we lived in Milwaukee and have been best friends ever since the 5th grade.

Rosie: I have a friend like that. Her name is Jackie and we've been best friends since grade school too.

Shirley: Laverne and I live in California now.

Rosie: So, you're just visiting New York? Have you ever been to a broadway musical?

Laverne: No.

Rosie: Well, I got you both tickets to see "Suessical The Musical!

Laverne: Is that a tuba show?

Rosie: No, no. Suessical is Dr. Suess stories put to music.

Shirley: You know, Laverne. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish... Horton Hears A Who... The Cat In The Hat!

Laverne: I know who he is, Shirl.

Shirley: Merci beacoup, Mm O'Donnell!

Rosie: Por nada.

Laverne: Hey, you speak spanish?

Rosie: Si.

[NOTE: I am perfectly aware that Shirley spoke French.]

Laverne: You and Shirley have something in common. When we first came to California, we stopped at ONE taco stand and suddenly she became Ricky Ricardo!

Rosie: You should meet Ricky Martin. In fact, he's here today. Along with our next guest, Laura San Giacomo. Will you stick around?

Laverne: Sure.

Rosie: Say, "We'll be right back!"

Laverne/Shirley: We'll be right back!

[Commercial Break]

Rosie: Our next guest keeps us laughing every Thursday night on "Just Shoot Me." Please welcome, my friend and yours, Laura San Giacomo!!

She comes out and waves. Laverne and Shirley move down a seat, Rosie hugs her, and they sit down.

Rosie: Hi, Laura.

Laura: Hi, Rosie. Wow, who have you got here today?

Rosie: This is Laverne and Shirley. They told me during the commercial break, that their stuff is displayed in a store window.

Laura: No problem. After the show, give me a discription of them, and I'll get them back to you ASAP. Do you live in New York?

Laverne: No, California.

Laura: Oh, great. We tape in L.A., so that would be easy. Is the shop in L.A.?

Laverne: Yes. It's an antique shop.

Laura: Okay.

Rosie: Let's talk about your show...

[30 Minutes into the show]

Rosie: Now, to sing, "She Bangs," from his new album, Ricky Martin!!!

He sings the song and Rosie goes to a commercial. When she comes back, Shirley, Laverne, Laura, and Ricky are sitting down.

Ricky: Rosie, you tell me those girls were in a Troy Donahue movie in 1965? You two are so young looking and beautiful.

Shirley: (patting the back of her head) Thank you.

Rosie: Where did you graduate?

Laverne: Filmore High School, '56!

Laverne and Shirley join hands and begin to sing their alma mader.

Rosie: I hope that was your average.

Laverne: No, we graduated in 1956.

Laura: But that would make you 62 years old.

Laverne: No, I'm 28 years old.

Ricky: I'm 29 years old and I was born in 1971.

Shirley: (trying to change the subject) You know, Troy Donahue kissed us and Charles Grodin came to our apartment and sat on our furniture.

With that incident, Rosie vowed never to put her guests together in a single show again. Laverne and Shirley left New York and went to Milwaukee where they rented back their old apartment.

Scene 4
INT. Milwaukee Apartment - 730 Kanap Street, Apt. A - Afternoon

Laverne and Shirley walk through the door and look around.

Laverne: Yep. It still looks like an old ugly cellar.

Shirley: (puts her arm around Laverne) Yes, Laverne, but it's our ugly cellar.

Laverne: (closes the door) Hey, look! My "L's" still on the door.

Shirley: I'm not surprised, Laverne. Who would want this apartment, but us?

Laverne: Are you saying that no one wanted this apartment?

Shirley: Let's just say that I'm surprised the place is still standing and in the year 2000 too.

Laverne: We had a lot of great momments in this old place.

Shirley: And we'll have even more. Just think, Laverne, we'll see things our friends would only dream.

Laverne: My friends... I wonder what they're doing now?

Shirley: Putting in their false teeth, Laverne. We're 28, they're 62! They're almost ready for medicare.

Laverne: They got grandchildren?

Shirley: Of all ages.

Laverne: Retired?

Shirley: Shuffle Board Resorts.

Laverne: What about Carmine?

Shirley: Carmine?

Laverne: Yeah, Shirl, he's probably married with a dozen kids and grandchildren by now.

Shirley: (taking a deep breath) Well... I'm... happy for him. (she turns around and a tear falls down her cheek) What are we going to do?

Laverne: I guess we'll get some furniture.

Shirley: No, Laverne, I mean us. We don't know anyone and our friends are old enough to be our grandparents. I want to go back to the way things were. friends, family, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Fabian... our life in 1967.

Laverne: Me too, but, how?

Shirley: Lets put on our thinking caps, Laverne. How did we get here?

They paced back and forth in the apartment. Until...

Laverne: I've got it! Remember when you told me to find something else to do back in Burbank, when we still had our jobs in that HOUSE OF THE FUTURE?

Shirley: Yes.

Laverne: Well, I remember going to the kitchen and seeing this red button...

Shirley: Laverne, you didn't.

Laverne: I did. That's how we got here.

Shirley: Laverne, you're the one who got us into this big mess.

Laverne: I'm sorry, Shirl, but it's been fun.

Shirley: Fun, Laverne? Fun? Did you think it was FUN when we were insulted in California? (Laverne shrugs) Did you think it was FUN being humiliated on nation wide television?

Laverne: We never did that in Milwaukee.

Shirley: You're making jokes again, Laverne.

Laverne: I'm sorry, Shirl. We never get to do anything. And being in THE HOUSE OF THE FUTURE isn't exactly my idea of a good time.

Shirley: Laverne, your idea of a good time could get us arrested.

Laverne: Very funny, Shirl.

Phone Rings.

Shirley: Who do you suppose knows we're here?

Laverne: (shrugs) I don't know. (she answers the phone) Hello?

Laura: Hi, this is Laura San Giacomo, I met you on the Rosie O'Donnell Show. your stuff from the antique shop.

Laverne: Great! But we're in Milwaukee.

Laura: I know.

Laverne: How?

Laura: I called Rosie's Trackers. It seems that Jack Nickolson lives at your address now.

Laverne: (sarcasticly) Yeah, lucky us.

Laura: Well, anyways, I stopped at this place called "Arnold's." I'll be at your place in 5 minutes, okay?

Laverne: We live at 730 Kanap Street, Apt. A.

Laura: Gotcha. I'll see you soon.

Laverne hangs up the phone, walks into the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, and saw that it was empty.

Laverne: Shirl, if I don't have a milk and pepsi, I'm going to go crazy.

Shirley: That's how I feel about Boo Boo Kitty.

Laverne: That's not the same thing, Shirl. Boo Boo Kitty will be here in 5 minutes.

Shirley: So could your milk and pepsi.

Laverne: What are you talking about?

Shirley: Order out.

Laverne: Wait a minute. Laura's at "Arnold's."

Shirley: Well call her back, Laverne.

Laverne calls Arnold's and asks for Laura who was getting up from her table.

Laura: (being handed the phone) Hello?

Laverne: Hi, Laura, it's Laverne.

Laura: Hi, Laverne. Anything wrong?

Laverne: Oh, no. I was just wondering if you could get me a milk and pepsi.

Laura: (confused) A milk and pepsi?... Two drinks?

Laverne: No, what you do is take milk and pepsi and mix them.

Laura: Together?

Laverne: Yeah.

Laura: Okay, I'll have it for you in a jiff. Bye.

There's a knock at the door, Laverne answers it, and Laura stands there with a milk and pepsi along with their stuff.

Shirley: (high shrill) Boo Boo Kitty!

Laura: No, I'm afraid your cat was taken to the incinerator.

Shirley: (broke down into tears) My Boo Boo Kitty! My daddy gave me that cat. I love that cat.

Laura: (sarcastically) Would you like me to call Dr. Kavorkian for you?

Shirley: Doctor who?

Laura: Nevermind. (pulls something out from behind her back) Here.

Laura hands her Boo Boo Kitty.

Shirley: (high pitch) Boo Boo Kitty! (she hugs him and in a high kitty voice) Did that lady try to keep you all to herself?

Shirley takes Boo Boo Kitty into the kitchen.

Laverne: (to Laura) Hey, thanks for bringing us back our stuff.

laura: Don't mention it.

Laverne: How'd you do it?

Laura: I have my methods... oh, here's your milk and pepsi.

Laverne: Do you want a sip?

Laura: Another time. I better be getting back to L.A. I've got to do a taping of my show.

Laverne: Your show?

Laura: Yeah! "Just Shoot Me!"

Laverne: We'd never kill nobody.

Shirley: No, Laverne, what she means is that her t.v. show is called "Just Shoot Me."

Laura: It's on every Thursday night at 9:30pm on NBC.

Laverne: Thanks.

Laura opens the door to leave.

Laverne: (Shirley kicks her) Oh! Is it possible to hitch a ride back to L.A. with you?

Laura: Sure, but I'm taking a plane.

Laverne: No problem. I've flew a plane before.

Laura: My plane leaves at 8 o'clock. You need to pack 'cause we only have... 35 MINUTES!!!!!

Laverne: We don't have nothin' to pack. (to Shirley) Grab Boo Boo Kitty, our clothes, and come on!!!

They ran out of the apartment building, threw all the clothes into the limo, and were on their way back to California.

Scene 5
EXT. Their apartment on Laurel Vista - Day

Laverne and Shirley sit outside in the limo. Shirley notices a woman entering the apartment building that looked a lot like Rhonda Lee.

Shirley: (to Laverne) Did you see what I think I saw?

Laverne: Yeah. (opens the limo door) Come on, Shirl.

Shirley: What?

Laverne: Let's go inside.

Shirley: Why?

Laverne: If that WAS Rhonda, then I want to see what "Miss Perfect" looks like after 30 years.

Shirley: All right, Laverne. (to Laura) Would you like to come with us?

Laura: Well, it would be nice to see Jack again.

Shirley's face cringes. They get out of the limo and go inside the building.

Scene 6
INT. The apartment building

Laverne and Shirley head towards Rhonda's apartment and stop. They see a blonde woman walk into Jack Nickolson's place. With ample curiousity, Laverne and Shirley follow Laura who is on her way to see Jack. Laura knocks and he answers.

Jack: Hello, Laura, nice to see you again. (he sees Shirley) Oh, it's you. I thought I told you to Fu...

A familiar voice rings through thedoor.

Rhonda: Hi-ho, Jack!

Jack: (to Laverne and Shirley) Wait a second.

Laverne: Shirl, did that voice sound familiar to you?

Shirley: Yep.

Laverne/Shirley: Rhonda.

Rhonda: Did Rhonda hear her name called?

She peaks out the door and sees Laverne and Shirley standing there whispering to each other.

Rhonda: Hi, girls!

Laverne and Shirley looked at each other and their mouths dropped to the floor. Rhonda didn't change one bit.

Laverne: Are you Rhonda's daughtar or double or somethin'?

Laverne: No, It's me! Rhonda, actress, singer, model.

Extends her hand.

Laverne: (touching her hand) It's real. Wow, Rhonda, you haven't changed one bit. (to Shirley) Life stinks.

Rhonda: Rhonda had help.

Shirley: From what, the fountain of youth?

Rhonda: No, silly! Rhonda got plastic surgery.

Laverne: You look good for...

Rhonda: 26. But you girls haven't changed much either. You DO need to get rid of those bags under your eyes. Come in. Rhonda has just the thing. (the girls step into the apartment) Takes a seat on the sofa.

Laverne: Look at this place, Shirl. It's so...

Shirley: Different.

Laverne: Yeah, that too. (Beat) This looks nothing like the house of the future.

There we're painting all over the walls. Shirley noticed one in particular.

Shirley: Look, Laverne. That's the painting I drew of you and Sonny for "Gone With The Wind."

Laverne: Yeah. (Rhonda came out with a plate of cucumbers and a jar of honey) What's this for?

Rhonda: The cucumbers are for your eyes.

Shirley: What's the honey for?

Rhonda: The honey's for Rhonda... later!

Shirley: Say no more.

Rhonda: Tell me, Shirley, did the doctor forget to lift your face? Rhonda Could call the doctor and have him lift it for half price.

Shirley: (displeased) No, Rhonda. That won't be necessary.

Laura: (coming down the stairs with Jack) Jack, it really looks nice up there.

Jack: Yeah, there used to be a sink in the middle of the wall, but I tore it down and built a jacuzzi instead.

Laverne: (starting for the stairs) A jacuzzi?

Shirley stopped her.

Shirley: Laverne, we don't live here anymore, remember?

Jack: All the bedrooms are slit level colonial along with the livingroom and dining room. I'll show you the dining room. (voice fades only hearing) This part used to be bricked up.

Shirley: You're right, Laverne. I think we SHOULD go upstairs.

They head upstairs while Rhonda chills the cumumbers.
INT. Upstairs/Bedroom

Shirley: (high pitch) Ooooooh, Laverne. This is a dream come true. All I need now, is my husband, Dr, Dwayne and a dog named Dave.

Laverne: You're NOT married, Shirl.

Shirley: I will be someday.

Laverne: Look at this jacuzzi! It's gigantic! You could fit an entire army in there. (she climbs in and sits down) Want to come in, Shirl?

Shirley: Anyone who has a jacuzzi next to their bed could have only one thing on their mind... SMUT!

Laverne: (smiling) Ya think so?

Shirley: Laverne, get out of there.

Laverne: Come in, Shirl. It's fun.

Shirley: (shakes her head) No, no, no, Laverne. I'm not getting into that filthy tank!

Laverne: It's not filthy. (smells the floor of the jacuzzi) Smells clean.

Shirley: That's not what I mean, Laverne.

Laverne: Come on, Shirl.

Shirley: No, Laverne.

Laverne: I'll give you 10 bucks.

Shirley: It won't hurt to get in for a minute. (she climbs in) Well, I can say one thing for it... it's shiny.

Laverne: You see, Shirl...

She was interupted by the sound of Rhonda's voice from downstairs.

Rhonda: Rhonda's going to show her photo album!

Laverne: Oh, boy, picture time!!!

Laverne jumped out of the jacuzzi, her foot hits the ON button. Water fills it up before Shirley can get out. Everytime Shirley tried to climb out, she slipped back again.

Shirley: (screaming) HELP ME!!

They all ran upstairs to help. After Jack turned off the main water button, he became enraged and used words Shirley never knew existed.

Jack: I don't know what you girls were thinking! This is NOT your home and I am not your father! YOU will clean this mess up! After you do that, leave! And stay the HELL away from me or I'll call the police!! Got it?!

He snarls and slams the door.

Shirley: Oh, Laverne. I want to go home. Back to Carmine, Lenny and Squiggy? Laverne, I'm home sick, hopelessly.

Laverne: Yeah, I was thinking about seeing how Big Rosie Greenbaum looked after 30 years... Good Year Blimp!

Shirley: I'm not going back to Milwaukee, Laverne. I'm staying here till we get home.

Laverne: Shirley, we have to go back to Bardwell's and find that button. You can't live in the year 2000 forever...Though it might be fun at class reunions. (Beat)Nah. (to Shirley) I don't know about you, Shirl, but I'm getting out of this apartment and going straight to Bardwell's. Are you coming?

Shirley: I'm all wet.

Laverne: Steal a towel.

Shriley: I'm not going to steal a towel, Laverne.

Laverne: Let's leave here with some dignity, Shirl.

Shirley: You're right, Laverne.

Laverne: Besides, you'll dry on the way.

They walked downstairs and got in front of Jack.

Jack: (sacastically astounded) Finished, already?

Laverne: Yeah, we are. (poking her finger on him vigorously) We are finished with you and your vile attitude toward us, buster! You are scum and you make me sick! And if I was your mother, I would put so much soap down your throat... Let's just say you'd dread the day of ever hearing the name, Laverne DeFazio! Got it?!! (to Shirley) Come on, Shirl.

Shirley grabs Boo Boo Kitty and heads for the door. Laverne stops at the door.

Laverne: If I ever see YOU again, then I'll just turn the t.v. off!

Shirley: Yeah! 'Cause Vernie's got class!

Laverne: (as they are leaving) Remind me to burn our copy of One Flew Over The CooCoo's Nest. Goodbye!!!

She slams the door impetuously.

Scene 6
INT. Bardwell's Department Store - 1 o'clock in the morning

Laverne and Shirley spent the rest of the day hiding in the supply closet inside the main show room.

Laverne: What time is it, Shirl?

Shirley: I can't see a thing, Laverne. Beside, I don't have a watch.

Laverne: I'll peak out the door. (she looks out) All's clear, Shirl.

Shirley: (getting out of the closet) Where exactly did you bump into the button?

Laverne: Well, you told me to find something else to do. So I walked into the kitchen, saw the red button, and innocently leaned on it.

Shirley: Honestly, Laverne, do you expect me to believe that?

Laverne: No, but it's true.

Shirley: So what you're telling me is, you walked to the button and leaned on it like this?

Shirley somehow leaned on the red button and there was a loud BANG and THUMP!

Laverne: What'd you do?

Shirley: I don't know. It's so dark in here and I can't see a thing.

Laverne: (yawns) I'm tired, Shirl.

Shirley: I guess we can sleep here. We'll never make it back to 1967.

Laverne: Don't say never, Shirl.

Shirley: (crying) There's no hope, Laverne.

Laverne begins to sing "High Hopes" and Shirley joins in.

Shirley: I guess an ant CAN move a rubber tree plant... but not for us.

Laverne: Shirley... oh, forget it. (sigh) I guess your balloon finally landed. Goodnight.

Later That morning

Laverne and Shirley were awaken by the sound of a door slamming. A familiar voice stunned the room.

Mr. Hildebrand: Miss DeFazio, Miss Feeney.

Laverne: Mr. Hildebrand, is that you?

Mr. Hildebrand: Are you tipsy, Miss DeFazio?

Laverne: No, sir.

Shirley: Good morning, sir. And may I say you exceptionally stunning this morning.

Mr. Hildebrand: Well don't think your getting a raise out of this.

Laverne: But...

Shirley puts her hand over Laverne's mouth.

Shirley: Oh, no, sir. Seeing your face is thanks enough.

Mr. Hildebrand: Well, you can go home now. The experiment is over.

Shirley: Oh, thank you, sir.

They both leaped up, Shirley grabbed Boo Boo Kitty, got their stuff, and went home.

Scene 7
The Girl's Apartment - Day

Laverne and Shirley walk in, turn on the lights, and kiss the floor.

Laverne: Shirl, promise me we'll never move out. And if we ever do, it will never go to Jack Nickolson.

Shirley: Promise.

They did their secret hand shake..."Cross my heart and hope to die..."

Laverne: (turns to the refrigerator and opens it) Milk and pepsi! Food! Oh, except for this moldy cheese.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Lenny and Squiggy stood in the front of the room wearing space suits.

Laverne: (laughing) Where did you get those costumes...Jupiter?

Squiggy: Ha, ha, very funny, Laverne. It just so happens we are extra-mental specimen.

Shirley: You mean, experimental specimen.

Squiggy: I just said that. Listen Woman! (to Lenny) Girls don't seem to listen. They just talk, talk, talk...

Laverne: Listen...

Squiggy: (enraged) We've been listening! You've been NOT listening! (to Lenny) Come on, Len.

Lenny and Squiggy exit.

Shirley: You know, Laverne, I think we should consider getting our locks changed.

Laverne: No, Shirl, we should just lock the door for now on.

Shirley: That too. (brief pause) But what about that little door they come out of?

Laverne: We'll get a lock for that and the back door.

Shirley: You know, Laverne, I think our next 30 years will be just fine.

Lenny and Squiggy ran back into the apartment.

Squiggy: Help, girls! There are a bunch of bees after us! They saw our suits and fell on love!

Laverne showed them to the balcony where they jumped off.

Laverne: So long, boys. (Beat) Well, Shirl, we've got a couple of hour before they return. Let's go get those locks.

Laverne and Shirley head up to their bedroom.

Shirley: Maybe even an alarm system.

Laverne: There you go dreaming again.

The End

To "Tying The Knot in Boo Boo Kitty's Dancing Shows"

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