One
Int. L&S apt. The girls are packed up and ready to go on a trip to somewhere. They are giving final instructions to Lenny & Squiggy.

Shirley- (To Laverne) I don't know if this is such a good idea.

Laverne- We wouldn't have to give 'em a key at all if ya hadn't takin' in that stray dog!

Lenny- All ready girls!

Shirley- (Holding the key in front of the boys' faces) Carmine can't baby-sit for you this time, so you're on your own.

Laverne- We told Ash to look in on you an' make sure ya don't wreck nothin'.

(Shirley makes a face)

Shirley- I don't see how she's any better then them, but I guess it's OK.

(Lenny & Squiggy lunge for the key, and end up tackling Shirley. She is trying to fight them off and Lenny stands up, leaving Squiggy pinning Shirley to the couch. Lenny looks at Laverne, yells good-bye! and makes a leap for her. When the girls finally break free, they run to the door, grab their luggage, and run out screaming.)

Two
Pizza Bowl, next day. Lenny & Squiggy are watching the girls walk by and have their eyes' on two 'beauties' who just sat down at the table next to theirs. They get up and walk over.

Lenny- Hello ladies. (The girls just stare at them)

Squiggy- Care for a nice cold beer? (He makes a face, as if to imply that he just said something dirty)

Girl #1- Sure, what's your name?

Squiggy- Most call me Andrew, but you can call me ....yours.

Girl #2- Hi, I'm Melie, and this is my best friend Sherry.

Lenny- (trying to sound cool) So, you new 'round here?

Sherry- Yeah, we just moved in from Chicago.

Squiggy- Very nice, very nice. What d'ya say we all get together for dinner tonight? (He smiles at Lenny, who smiles back)

Melie- Sure, I guess. How 'bout a nice home cooked meal?

Lenny- Great! What time?

Sherry- How about we meet at your place around eight.

Squiggy- Sure. (He smiles again, this time at Sherry, the girls get up to leave)

Melie- (yelling from the doorway) I can't wait to see what you make! (They exit)

(Lenny & Squiggy look at each other then at the door, they get up and run out)

Three
L&S apt. Lenny & Squiggy are walking in. Lenny is carrying two bags full of groceries.

Squiggy- OK, it's 7:00 now, that's plenty of time to cook all this junk.

(Lenny drops the bags on the counter and fishes through them)

Lenny- Whatda we do first?

Squiggy- H'mmm, the meat. (Lenny pulls out a package of four frozen cube steaks)

Lenny- (Opening the package & pulling out the meat, it's all frozen together, and is as hard as a rock.) How do ya cook this thing? (He pulls out a pan and drops the whole chunk of meat into it.)

Squiggy- Don't ya know anything jerk, ya hafta cut it up first. (Pulls out a knife and cuts it into six pieces) This way, there's more, if they're pigs.

Lenny- Oh. Hey, ain't ya s'posed to put flour on that or somethin'?

Squiggy- Oh, yeah. (he pulls out a bag of flour and opens the top. He looks at the meat, then dumps the whole bag onto it. Covering the meat, the kitchen, and themselves) What next?

Lenny- Next we, uh, cook 'em. (He turns on the stove and puts the flour caked meat in the pan) How 'bout the mashed potatoes?

Squiggy- Good, go get 'em. (Lenny runs to the kitchen/livingroom divider and slips on the way. He's sitting on the floor, not making a move.) How're ya gonna get the potatoes from down there?

Lenny- Ow.(He gets up and hands Squiggy the bag of potatoes.) Here.

Squiggy- (Peeling the potatoes into the sink with a knife) Boy, am I glad the girls got this new garbage disposal. (He continues peeling the potato, when he's done, he produces a tiny piece and drops it into a pot) These things ain't got enough room between the skin an' the meat.

Lenny- (Who has also been trying his hand at potato peeling) Boy, you're tellin' me! (He holds up a potato shard, about the size of your thumbnail, and drops it into the pot)

Squiggy- (Pushing Lenny, who pushes back) This ain't gonna work. Here, you peel the potatoes, I'll do the meat. (He walks over to the still frozen, flour covered mess on the stove) Maybe we outta put this in the oven, huh Len?

Lenny- Yeah, but put some onions in there first.

Squiggy- (He fishes an onion out of the bag and on his way back to the stove, he slips on the floor.) Boy, we gotta get that floor fixed, it ain't workin' right. (He walks to the sink, and chops up the onion)

Lenny- Whatsa matter Squig?

Squiggy- Nothin', I just gotta finish cuttin' up this stupid onion! (He picks up the slices and drops them in the flour over the stove, then the takes the whole thing, meat flour, pan & all, and shoves it in the oven.) There. What now?

Lenny- I finished the potatoes. (An empty bag is laying next to the sink, which is overflowing with potato peels. They fill the pot with water and put it on the stove) OK, I guess we should clean up, huh?

Squiggy- (Surveys the mess) OK, Len, first lets run the garbage disposal an' get rid 'a all these spare vegetable parts.

Lenny - Right. (He flips the switch and a noise comes from the sink, potato peels go everywhere. He turns it off, slipping on the way) Now what?

Squiggy- The dishes. (He looks at about 15 dirty dishes and then at Lenny) Lets take a vote. (He raises his hand) Darn Len, you lost.

Lenny- Awwe! (He starts washing dishes) Squig, why don't you take out Shirley's dog?

Squiggy- Arrr! I gotta do everything around here! (He gets up off the couch and calls for the dog) Oh, Twinkie! What a dumb name for a dog! (He puts on the leash and the dog practically drags him out the door.)

Four
Outside the apt. building, evening. We see Squiggy being pulled down the stairs by a large dog on a leash)

Squiggy- Slow down ya stupid mutt! (The dog pulls him off the stoop, and over in front of the girls' window.) Its freezin' out here! (Squiggy forgot a jacket, and it's snowing outside.) Would you hurry up! (The dog is taking his time sniffing here & there) That's it, we're goin' in! (He walks back towards the stoop as far as the leash would allow, but instead of him pulling the dog into the building, as he'd planned, it stayed put and Squiggy ended up face-up in the snow. He tries to get up, but the dog runs & jumps on top of him.) Ohh! Get offa me! (He shoves Twinkie off of his stomach, gets up, and drags him inside)

Meanwhile.......

Lenny- (Still washing dishes, he suddenly smells something burnt, and looks in the oven to find an almost ruined dinner.) HELP!!!! (at that moment, Ash walks in and sees Lenny.)

Ash- Len, what's goin' on?!?!

Lenny- Dinner is burnin', what does it look like?

Ash- It looks like a mess to me. (She walks over to Lenny) Need a hand?

Lenny- Can ya fix it? Ash- Hey, I can fix anything! (She looks at the pan, brushes off the burnt flour and finds the meat, no longer frozen, but still raw.) First off, ya need to brown it before ya cook it. (She wipes out the pan and puts some oil in it. and puts the meat, with only a little flour in it, on the stove.) Now, are ya makin' mashed potatoes? (She looks into the pot which is boiling over She dumps some of the water into the sink, when she sees the garbage disposal.) Ew, that could be trouble. (She runs water to find that the disposal is clogged) Get me a wrench, huh Len? (He goes out and Squiggy comes in, pulled by Twinkie)

Squiggy- (To Lenny) What's she doin' here?

Lenny- I gotta get a wrench so she can fix the potatoes. (He exits)

Ash- Hi, Squig. (She fills the pan with water, covers it, and puts it in the oven)

Squiggy- (He unleashes the dog and walks into the kitchen, shivering)

Ash- (sarcastically) Awe, Squig, you're shivering, wha'd ya do, go out with no jacket then fall in the snow?

Squiggy- Yeah. (She runs to the bedroom, and comes back with a blanket, which she puts around Squiggy)

Ash- Lemme guess, dates tonight? (Lenny runs in with a wrench, and finds Ash warming Squiggy up, she has a blanket around him, and she has her arms around him too)

Lenny- What have we here? (He smiles as if he's caught them doing something they shouldn't)

Ash- Nothin' Len. Squig was cold so I was warmin' 'im up. Where's the wrench?

Lenny- Oh. Oh! I got it right here! (He hands her the wrench, she goes under the sink, pounds on a few pipes, and turns on the disposal. The potato peels go down along with the water.)

Ash- Now what? (She walks into the livingroom, slipping on the kitchen floor.) You gotta get that floor fixed! (Lenny & Squiggy nod in agreement) Are ya warm enough now, Squig? (As she's walking towards the door, the phone rings, Squiggy jumps up to answer it)

Squiggy- (Into phone) "Hello!" (listening) What? Oh, I get it, yeah, OK, maybe, bye.(He hangs up the phone) That was one 'a the girls, they said they can't make it. (Lenny slumps down)

Lenny- After all this work?

Ash- That's too bad, boys. (They look at her pleadingly) Well, I guess I could stay for a little while. (They all sit down at the kitchen table)

Five
L&S apt. Late that night. Dinner is finished, Ash, Lenny & Squiggy are talking in the livingroom. They are all on the couch, in the order of Lenny, Ash, Squiggy.

Ash- Boy, that was great guys, thanks.

Squiggy- I am stuffed.

Lenny- Me too. Thanks for stickin' around.

Ash- Sure, it was fun. (She gets up) I guess I'd better by goin' upstairs now. (The boys look at her) Well, goodnight.

Lenny- Goodnight! He gets up and kisses her, then walks out himself.

Ash- (Looking at the door) Uh, G'night Len. G'night Squig. (She leans over and kisses him, then walks out.)

Squiggy-.......Goodnight. (Lenny walks back in)

Lenny- Well?

Lenny & Squiggy- She's crazy about me.

End









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