You gotta take the little heartaches that come along with it
Squeaky
ByACT ONE:
FADE IN:
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT – DAY
LAVERNE, SHIREY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING "THE THREE GODFATHERS".
SQUIGGY SITS REALLY CLOSE TO SHIRLEY. SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY.
Shirley: Will you get away from me?
Squiggy: What’d I do?
Shirley: You seat any closer to me you’ll be sitting under me.
SQUIGGY BITES HIS PALM. HE NOTICES LENNY DOESN’T DO IT AND ELBOWS HIM. LENNY IGNORES HIM. HE IS GLOOMY.
Laverne: Hey, look. Pedro just busted his leg and he wants John Wayne to leave him behind. Come on don’t leave him behind!
Shirley: He’s gotta leave him behind, Laverne. He can’t possibly survive if carries both baby Robert and Pedro through the desert.
Laverne: The baby’s name is Robert William.
Squiggy: No, it’s Robert William Pedro.
Shirley: Besides Pedro later comes back with the cute guy that died before as ghosts and---
LAVERNE AND SQUIGGY AD-LIB "YOU ARE GONNA RUIN THE END", "WILL YA SHUT UP?’, ETC.
Lenny: Will the three of you shut up!
SHIRLEY/ LAVERNE/SQUIGGY: (MONOTONOUS) Sooorry.
Laverne: You’re in a rotten mood, Len.
LENNY SHRUGS.
Shirley: Look, there are the ghosts.
Laverne: Why’d ya have to open your mouth for?
SHIRLEY, LAVERNE AND SQUIGGY ARGUE.
PHONE RINGS.
Shirley: I’ll get it.
SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
Shirley: Hello? (PAUSE) Lenny? (ANNOYED) Don’t tell me who you are or why you’re calling. I don’t want to know. (COVERS THE RECEIVER) Lenny it’s for you.
LENNY QUICKLY RISES AND TAKES THE CALL.
Shirley: He’s giving our phone number to everybody, Laverne!
SHIRLEY SITS AND THEY KEEP WATCHING THE MOVIE.
LENNY’S GRIN SLOWLY DISSOLVES INTO GRIMACE. HE BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS AND NO ONE NOTICES.
Lenny: There’s got to be a mistake. See, ‘cause I’m expecting a call from her. (PAUSE) No, no. You are wrong. She’s okay. She’s gotta be okay cause she’s finally coming to see me. No, you’re wrong. (LONG PAUSE)
LENNY HANGS UP AND EXITS CRYING.
Laverne: Len, hurry up. You’re gonna miss the best part of the …
SHE SEES HE’S GONE.
Laverne: …movie.
SHE REACTS AS WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT
DAYS LATER
LAVERNE AND LENNY ARE PLAYING SCRABBLE.
Lenny: T-H-E : teehee.
Laverne: You don’t pronounce it "tee-hee" for the millionth time. It’s "the" Len, "the". And why don’tcha get it in your head you can’t put "the"? You’ve tried to put it in your last three turns…
Lenny: (WHINING) Ohhh… I pass…
Laverne: Why I’m I not surprised. Okay… F-O-R … "ever" is in there so that’s "Forever".
Lenny: That’s how long this game’s takin’.
Laverne: If you wanna stop playin’ just say so, Len and stop whining.
Lenny: Okay, I wanna stop playin’.
Laverne: Oh, come on! This is my best game ever.
Lenny: Well it isn’t mine…
Laverne: That’s cause you got no points.
Lenny: We get points?
Laverne: We get points, Len, we get points!
Lenny: Well, you don’t hafta yell.
Laverne: Okay, I’m sorry. Let’s do something else.
Lenny: Nah… I’m going to my apartment.
Laverne: How come?
Lenny: I’m just tired.
Laverne: You feeling alright?
LAVERNE FEELS HIS FOREHEAD. HE PLAYFULLY SLAPS HER HANDS AWAY. BUT STILLHE LOOKS DEPRESSED.
Lenny: Yeah. It’s just that I couldn’t sleep well last night. Squig kept me awake ‘cause he got this idea that if he tapped a fork on his moth jar, they would stop sticking at the bottom during the day.
Laverne: Did it work?
Lenny: No, the jar broke.
Laverne: Where’d he put the moths?
Lenny: On his shoe. The only problem is that now they’re stuck on his shoe and he can’t get ‘em out.
SHIRLEY ENTERS.
Lenny: Bye, Laverne. Hi, Shirley. Bye Shirley.
HE EXITS. LAVERNE STARES AT THE DOORWAY.
Shirley: (WAVING HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER FACE) Laverne… what’s the matter? Did that dopey say do something to you?
Laverne: No, no, he did nothin’. It’s just that… I don’t know. He seemed kinda spaced out… even for him.
Shirley: Don’t be silly. It’s Lenny.
Laverne: So? He’s my friend, Shirl. I get worried. It’s like having a puppy except he doesn’t drool as much.
Shirley: Well, if you sensed something was wrong why didn’t you ask him?
Laverne: I don’t want him to think I’m babying him or anything.
Shirley: You don’t want him to think that---! Laverne, he came by yesterday so you would cut off the brown edges of his sandwich.
Laverne: So?
Shirley: That’s babying him!
Laverne: Fine, I baby him alright? In fact I kinda even like it when he comes over. There are you happy?
Shirley: I never thought I’d see the day when you would actually admit you enjoy Leonard’s company. I don’t want to be rude but I’d rather be in the company of a snake any day before spending time with him.
Laverne: Come on, Shirl. You don’t mean that…
Shirley: Yes I do. I’d rather be with a stinky, sleazy, greasy snake…
SQUIGGY ENTERS. HE WEARS ONLY ONE SHOE.
Squiggy: Hello!
Laverne: Don’t look at me, Shirl; you asked for it.
Squiggy: Hey, uh… you girls have noticed Lenny’s acting pretty weird lately? He got even worse a couple of days ago when he left when we were watching "The Three Godfathers".
Shirley: Acting weird lately… Hmm… Let’s see: two weeks ago he pretended to be a bowling pin, asked the staff of the Pizza Bowl to chase him all over the place and try and knock him with bowling balls…
Laverne: I was so scared. Waldo got him on the back of the head. I had to rub anchovies on his nose to wake him up.
Shirley: I’d say he’s the same old Lenny as always…
Laverne: Why you askin’, Squig? Something’s wrong with him?
Squiggy: Well… I don’t know. He doesn’t want to hang out no more. He missed work last Wednesday. He never misses a day of work. Uh…I’m just tired of havin’ no one to put down… that’s all.
Shirley: Squiggy you’re worried!
Squiggy: What?
Shirley: You’re worried about Lenny.
Squiggy: No, I ain’t.
Shirley: Yes you are. Admit it: you care about him.
Squiggy: No, I just wanted to check if he was here to see if he could take care of my other shoe. I don’t want it to fall in the wrong hands. I gotta go out. (POINTS TO HIS SHOELESS FOOT)
Shirley: What happened to your other shoe?
Laverne: Don’t ask, Shirl. Hey, Squig, shouldn’t you put on another pair of shoes before you go out?
Squiggy: I ain’t got no other pair. That’s why I’m going out for, to buy one.
Laverne: Can’tcha ask Lenny to lend you some shoes?
Squiggy: He isn’t home.
Laverne: He isn’t? Why don’tcha go ask Carmine then?
Shirley: I object!
Squiggy: Fine, Laverne, I’ll go check.
SQUIGGY EXITS.
Laverne: See, Shirl? Even Squiggy is worried. And why isn’t Lenny in his apartment? He just told me he was going up there…
Shirley: Now Laverne…
Laverne: Lenny’s hiding something. I can smell it.
Shirley: Maybe it’s Squiggy’s hair grease. It stinks up the place.
Laverne: Will you knock it off, Shirl? All you do is put Lenny and Squiggy down all the time. You know, they may not be the smartest guys in the world, but they’re our friends whether you’ll ever accept it or not.
Shirley: Okay, okay I know. I’m sorry.
Laverne: I’m sorry, Shirl. Didn’t mean to snap atcha like that.
Shirley: No, you’re right. I’m not being a very good friend.
Laverne: We’ll wait ‘til Lenny gets back and then we’ll ask him what’s the matter.
Shirley: Laverne?
Laverne: What?
Shirley: What happened to Squiggy’s shoe?
LAVERNE ROLLS HER EYES.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LENNY AND SQUIGGY’S APT.
CARMINE IS GIVING SQUIGGY A PAIR OF SHOES.
Carmine: These are machine washable, Squig, so please wash ‘em before you give ‘em back to me, huh?
Squiggy: Oh, come on, Carmine. Gimme a break…
CARMINE TAKES THE SHOES BACK.
Carmine: Okay, then I won’t lend them to ya. Look, I can lend you some old ballet shoes and you can keep ‘em huh?
SQUIGGY TAKES THE SHOES.
Squiggy: Very amusing. Fine, I’ll wash ‘em. In fact, I’ve got a brand-new bar of soap here.
SQUIGGY LOOKS INSIDE A BIG CARDBOARD BOX.
Carmine: Shouldn’t you just use detergent on a machine?
Squiggy: What’s this?
Carmine: What’s what?
Squiggy: This little box here.
SQUIGGY TAKES OUT A BOX DECORATED WITH RIBBONS, LITTLE PEARLS, ETC.
Carmine: Well, Squig that quite a cute place to keep a bar of soap.
Squiggy: What are you talkin’about, Carmine? This ain’t mine.
SQUIGGY PUTS THE LITTLE BOX ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT.
Squiggy: Ah, it’s trash.
Carmine: No, wait a minute Squig.
CARMINE TAKES A PHOTO FROM THE BOX.
Carmine: Hey, isn’t this Lenny?
Squiggy: Nah. He’s too short to be Lenny.
Carmine: Squiggy, you dummy I mean Lenny as a child. He’s got to be at least four or five years old here.
Squiggy: Oh. Well, he got his nose.
Carmine: And that woman with him is his mom I suppose. And look inside, there’s more pictures and other stuff.
SQUIGGY TAKES THE PHOTO FROM CARMINE AND PUTS IT BACK ON THE BOX. HE CLOSES IT.
Squiggy: Maybe we shouldn’t be looking at this.
Carmine: Why not?
SQUIGGY HESITATES. JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO ANSWER LENNY ENTERS. HE IS DRUNK AND CARRIES AN EMPTY TEQUILA BOTTLE.
Lenny: Hi honey I’m home!
HE COLLAPSES IN CARMINES ARMS.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE:
ACT TWO:
FADE IN:
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT.
LENNY LIES ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. HIS HAIR IS WET. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WATCH OVER HIM. THE BOX RESTS ON THE COFFEE TABLE.
Laverne: Are Carmine and Squiggy done fixing my bed yet?
Shirley: No. Oh, Laverne, his hair is all wet. It’s gonna ruin the couch.
Laverne:Will you forget about the couch, Shirl?
Shirley: Look at him, Laverne. He looks so bad.
Laverne: What do you expect? He was drunk.
Shirley: Gee, I didn’t know he drank.
Laverne: He doesn’t.
Shirley: Then why did he show up with an empty Tequila bottle, Laverne?
Laverne: I don’t know. Lenny, wake up.
LAVERNE SHAKES HIM AND HE WAKES UP. HE’S HUNGOVER.
Lenny: Oh, my head. Laverne stop spinning will ya? You’re making me dizzy.
Laverne: (ANGRY)Sit down Len. We gotta talk.
LENNY SITS. LAVERNE SITS ON HIS RIGHT AND SHIRLEY ON HIS LEFT. SHE QUICKLY RISES.
Shirley: Ughh, it’s all wet! Look at my skirt, Laverne.
Laverne: Then go change and shut up!
Shirley: Somebody’s in a bad mood.
LAVERNE GIVES HER A LOOK. SHIRLEY MOUTHS: "OKAY" AND EXITS TO THEIR ROOM.
Lenny: Why’s my hair all wet?
Laverne: You came in here drunk and you passed out. I wanted to throw you in the shower and soak you in cold water, but Shirley wouldn’t let us carry you into the bathroom. I just splashed you with a glass of water.
Lenny: Did it work?
Laverne: Yeah, but then you started singin’ show tunes and kept jumping on my bed. The legs broke. Carmine and Squiggy are in my room trying to fix it. After that you got tired and went to sleep. Len, you think you possibly tell me why you drank today?
Lenny: ‘Cause I wanted to.
Laverne: ‘Cause you wanted---? This ain’t like you, Lenny I wanna know what’s the matter with ya. And you better tell me now.
HE LOOKS AT HIS WRIST, BUT HE ISN’T WEARING A WATCH.
Lenny: Hey, look at the time. Gotta go.
HE RISES BUT LAVERNE PULLS HIM BACK DOWN.
Laverne: Len...
Lenny: Laverne, nothin’s the matter with me.
Laverne: You’ve been with a long face all these days.
Lenny: So? No one’s happy all the time, Laverne.
Laverne: True, but you haven’t told anyone what’s makin’ you sad. Not even Squiggy and he’s your best friend. He got all worried.
Lenny: Yeah?
Laverne: Yeah!
Lenny: Well, so what? He’s got worried over nothin’ ‘cause I’m fine.
Laverne: Fine? You disappeared when we were watching "The Three Godfathers" without sayin’ a word, you missed work last Wednesday and you told nobody where you went or watcha did, you told me you were going to your apartment when you instead went out to get drunk....! Don’t tell me there’s nothin’ the matter witcha, Len.
Lenny: I—I---
Laverne: And what’s with this box you brought.
HE GETS AGITATED AS HE SEES THE BOX. HE GRABS IT.
Lenny: How’d this get here???
Laverne: What are you deaf? I just said you brought it. What’s in it?
Lenny: Nothin’.
Laverne: I could just punch you right now, Len. All you do is lie to me. What are you hidin’ there?
SHE ATEMPTS TO TAKE THE BOX, BUT HE DOESN’T LET HER. LAVERNE PERSIST UNTIL SHE TAKES A HOLD OF IT. THEY ARGUE UNTIL THE BOX OPENS AND ALL THE CONTEST FALL ON THE TABLE, FLOOR, ETC. LENNY GETS ON HIS KNEES AND STARTS PICKING UP PHOTOS FROM THE FLOOR. HE STARTS TO CRY.
Laverne: Lenny, wait. Lenny it’s okay.
Lenny: No, no.
LAVERNE IS CONFUSED. SHE KNEELS BESIDE HIM.
Laverne: What’s wrong? I can pick them up. They’re just pictures.
Lenny: No, their not just pictures Laverne. They’re all I got.
Laverne: All you’ve got? Lenny why are they all you’ve got?
Lenny: They’re all I’ve got from her.
Laverne: Her who?
HE STOPS PICKING UP PHOTOS.
Lenny: Momma.
THIS TIME HE REALLY BREAKS DOWN. LAVERNE IMMEDIATELY HUGS HIM.
Lenny: I’m sorry, Laverne. I shoulda told ya.
Laverne: It’s okay, Len. It’s okay.
NOW HIS FACE RESTS ON HER SHOULDER.HE STARTS TO CALM DOWN A BIT.
Lenny: I found my mom, Laverne. I found her. I mean she found me. These pictures...
When she left me when I was five, she went on with her life, you know, went to Chicago and got a business and everythin’; she was loaded, but it the business collpased and she lost her home, her car, everything. I mean she had no one there and--- I guess she realized I was the only one she really had. She looked for me until she found out I worked at Shotz and wrote me. She told me she was comin’ to see me. I told her I would pick her up, but she said she would hitch. I gave a few numbers just in case including yours. That call I received here was from the hospital. She... died in a car crash. The burial was Wednesday. I was the only one there.
HE IS INTERRUPTED AS HE SPEAKS BY HIS OWN SOBS.
Laverne: I’m sorry, Lenny.
Lenny: No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t pick her up myself. I’m sorry that I had no chance to talk to her, to forgive her for walking out on me. I just hate myself for not liking her right now.
Laverne: Lenny, you have every right to be angry at her. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.You just gotta give it some time, that’s all. Then you’ll figure things out. I know that you’ve always loved her.
Lenny: (CRYING)I’m not sure that I do right now.
Laverne: I think I know how you feel Len.
Lenny: How would you know? You’re mom didn’t walk out on you.
Laverne: You think it didn’t feel like she walked out on me when she died? I mean don’tcha feel like you are not being a very good son right now? You are sad she’s gone, but deep down inside you hate yourself for being so selfish. I mean, you feel like you just care about her walking out on you or not conacting you for twenty years instead of focusing on the fact that she’s gone for good. Am I right?
LENNY NODS.
Lenny: She was carrying this box with her. That’s all she had with her. No luggage, no nothin’. Just pictures of me when I was little. I guess she did love me after all.
Laverne: Is there anything you want me to do, Len? I’ll cook for ya every night I...
HE LAUGHS SOFTLY.
Lenny: No, Vernie. You don’t hafta do nothin’. (SIGHS) I’ve kept this inside for so long... Talkin’ to ya actually made me feel a lot better.
Laverne: Really? At least a tiny bit better, huh?
Lenny: Okay, a tiny bit.
Laverne: Come here.
LAVERNE KISSES HIM SOFTLY ON THE LIPS.
Lenny: What was that for?
Laverne: Nothin’.
Lenny: Nothin’?
Laverne: Don’t get used to it.
Lenny: I feel like a jerk from hiding everything from you guys. I gotta go tell the others.
SQUIGGY (WEARING CARMINE’S BALLET SHOES) , SHIRLEY AND CARMINE ENTER FROM THE BED ROOM. THEY’RE ALL TEARY-EYED.
Carmine: You don’t have to tell us, Len. We just heard.
THE THREE GO TO LENNY AND LAVERNE AND THE FIVE FRIENDS HUG.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. PIZZA BOWL – NIGHT
ONLY FRANK AND LAVERNE (IN UNIFORM) ARE THERE. THEY’RE CLEANING UP READY TO CLOSE.
Frank: Hey, Laverne how’s Lenny doing?
Laverne: He’s doing better. Me, Shirl,Carmine and Squiggy went with him today to the cemetery to visit his mom. He was real glad we did. He told us that now his mom knows that a lot of people where gonna care about her if she had made it to Milwaukee. He was real sad she died alone, that she thought maybe that nobody would ever love her.
Frank: Poor Lenny.
Laverne: He’ll be alright. Hey pop?
LAVERNE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT.
Frank: Are you gonna talk or are you gonna stand there?
Laverne: You know how sometimes some people forget to tell their parents they love ‘em...? I uh... well... I well...
Frank: I know you love me, muffin...
Laverne: (RELIEVED) Oh, thanks pop!
SHE HUGS HIM.
FADE OUT:
THE END
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