Category: Shirley and Carmine Romance
Summary: Shirley is dumped by a date and Carmine wants to cheer her up. Problem is, Shirley thinks it’s more than that.
Act One
Int. Laverne and Shirley’s Apartment - Night
The girls are just arriving from a double date. Shirley wears a long face. Carmine’s tap shoes are on the floor.
Shirley: Aw look, Laverne. Carmine left his tap shoes here.
Laverne: Carmine and Miss Babish have been getting pretty good, huh?
Shirley: (soflty) Yeah.
Laverne: So nice of putting that show for the kids---
Shirley picks the shoes up from the floor and holds the shoes tightly against her chest. Laverne notices Shirley’s sadness.
Laverne: Will you cheer up, Shirl? So your date dumped you. That Robert guy wasn’t such a hot number to begin with. He scrapes rabbit poo for a living.
Shirley shrugs and they sit in the couch.
Shirley: It was a rotten evening, Laverne. I wanted romance, adventure, excitement! And what do I get? I get the boot!
Laverne: (points to Carmine’s shoe) Shirl that’s a tap shoe.
Shirley: (between her teeth) I know what it is Laverne.
Laverne looks away, nervously.
Shirley: Sometimes I think it’s not going to happen, you know? Sometimes I feel I’ll never find the right guy.
Laverne: I know the feeling. Believe me that Fist wasn’t the greatest date either.
Shirley: What kind of a name is Fist? And why do you go out with a bully like that?
Laverne: He has really cute knuckles!
Shirley: (scoffs) Cute knuckles, ha! That man is nothing but an animal. He has the IQ of a peanut.
Laverne: He does not!
Shirley: Remember after the movie when you went to the ladies room?
Laverne: Of course I remember. I bought the super duper extra large Pepsi.
Shirley: Well, a man asked Fist for a cigar and he said: “Sure I’ll give you a cigar!”
Laverne: So what’s so bad about that?
Shirley: Fist took out his knife and wanted to slash the man’s eye out!
Laverne: Cigar. Scar. They sound the same! Anybody could’ve made that mistake.
Shirley: Face it Laverne: the man is a sickie.
Laverne: Well at least my date didn’t dump me for the first blonde floozy that gave him the eye! (beat) Oh sorry, Shirl.
Shirley: Oh it doesn’t matter. It’s the truth! I was dumped. Dumped by the guy who scrapes rabbit poo at the pet store. When the movie was over and the lights were turned there he was making out with that cheap, no-good Lindsey Brown.
Laverne: How come you didn’t hear nothin’?
Shirley: I thought it was you and Fist.
Laverne: Well yeah Fist does have a weird amount of spit. Sounds real bad. And he always goes like---!
Laverne is about to imitate Fist’s kissing and Shirley grimaces.
Laverne: Look at the bright side, Shirl. At least Robert gave you free tapeworm pills from the pet store.
Shirley: And just what am I going to do with those?
Laverne: You can give ‘em to Boo Boo Kitty in case he ever gets one of those disgusting parasites.
Squiggy: Hello!
Lenny and Squiggy enter.
Lenny: Hello girls.
Shirley motions Laverne to get rid of them.
Laverne: What are you guys doing here at this hour?
Squiggy: We was just coming home from our dates, too and we though that since Robert left the theater with that hot broad we could try and cheer Shirley up. Hit it Len!
Lenny takes out his guitar and they start singing “Horray for Captain Spaulding” by Groucho Marx.
Lenny: (singing) I faced a chimpanzee once so close I felt his breath.
Squiggy: (singing) The creature looked at me once and laughed himself to death!
Lenny/Squiggy: Horray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer! Horray, horray, hor---
Shirley: Fellas! Fellas! Enough!
Lenny: Horray...
Shirley: Will you two please get out of here! I am no mood for your sick jokes. Get out!
Laverne: Eh… uh… fellas what she means is that she’s very tired and …uh… although you meant good… well your doin’ no good at all so get out.
Squiggy: Fine, we can take a hint.
Shirley: I am not giving you a hint. I am not even near giving you a hint. I am telling it straight to your idiotic faces: I want you out!
Lenny: I think she wants us to leave.
Shirley pushes them out the door.
Shirley: Out!!! (shakes her head) Geez!
Laverne is taking off her coat and starts humming Lenny and Squiggy’s song. Shirley looks at her annoyed and Laverne smiles.
Dissolve to:
Int. Pizza Bowl – Next Day
Shirley sits alone, gazing numbly at nothing and sipping soda from a straw.
Laverne is at the counter with her pop.
Laverne: Ya see that pop? It’s been almost a week since she was dumped and look at her. She’s still all depressed.
Frank: You tell me if that Robert person ever steps a foot in this place. I’ve got a nice spot for him inside the oven.
Laverne: Thanks pop but I don’t think that baking Robert is the answer.
Carmine walks in casually.
Laverne: I think I know just what’s gonna make her feel all better.
Laverne crosses to Carmine.
Laverne: Hey Carmine.
Carmine: Hey Laverne.
Laverne: Carmine I need to ask you for a favor.
Carmine: Sure, anything. What is it?
Laverne: I need you to go on a date with Shirley.
Carmine: Sorry no can do.
Laverne: Why not?
Carmine: Lucille’s coming back from her trip to Italy. If I’m a good boy she’s gonna take me there this summer. (beat) Hey why are you asking me that for? What’s the matter with Shirley?
Laverne: Just look at her.
The both turn to see Shirley looking very pathetic. She tries to sip some soda, but she misses the straw, and she tries to get hold of it with her tongue.
Carmine: She looks pretty upset.
Laverne: She got dumped by Robert.
Carmine: The guy that scrapes rabbit poo?
Laverne: That’s the one.
Carmine: Oh. She’s got a broken heart, eh?
Laverne nods.
Carmine: Poor Shirl.
Laverne: She needs you, Carmine. She needs to keep her mind off Robert.
Carmine: I suppose one date couldn’t hurt. Besides, Lucille isn’t coming ‘til Monday.
Laverne: Thanks Carmine. Just one thing: don’t tell her I asked you to ask her out. Her confidence got a pretty big blow last week so she’s gotta think it’s coming from you.
Carmine: Sure thing.
Carmine approaches Shirley and sits with her.
Carmine: Hey Angel Face.
Shirley: Oh hi Carmine.
Carmine: Are you okay? Laverne tells me you and Robert broke up.
Shirley nods.
Carmine: You know the Big Ragu’s here for ya, right?
Shirley nods once more and starts to cry. Carmine draws his chair closer to her and puts his arm around her.
Shirley: Oh Carmine I feel so sad.
Carmine: I know, I know.
Shirley: I don’t want to go out ever again. I’ll just have to accept the fact that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
Carmine: Don’t say that, Shirl. Your gonna go out again. What do you say you and me go to the carnival and I get you some stuffed animals eh?
Shirley: Carmine you don’t have to do that.
Carmine: No, no I want to take you out. I’ve missed those cute dimples.
Shirley smiles making sure her cute dimples show.
Carmine: There you go! That Shirley Feeney smile that brights up the room.
Shirley: Oh Carmine your so sweet.
Carmine: Come here Angel Face.
Carmine leans over and kisses her on the cheek.
Carmine: Well I gotta go. I gotta practice the act with Miss Babish. Oh and thanks for finding my tap shoes. I almost had a heart attack. See ya Saturday night, all right?
Shirley keeps smiling and Carmine exits.
Shirley runs to Laverne who is standing by the counter.
Shirley: Laverne! Laverne! It happened! I’ve finally found him!
Laverne: Who got lost? Is it Squiggy? I told him not to go and try and get carried along with the knocked down pins. Last time he jammed the machine.
Shirley: No, no, no! Nobody got lost!
Laverne: I’m not following you there, Shirl.
Shirley: I mean I’ve finally found my guy! My soul mate! And he was under my nose all along!
Laverne: Really? Who is it?
Shirley: Carmine!
Laverne’s big smile turns into a frown.
Laverne: What? I mean how do you know that Shirl?
Shirley: It all makes sense now. Destiny made Robert dump me.
Laverne: I think it was Lindsey’s D cup, Shirl.
Shirley: It all happened so I could be free for Carmine when he realized how he was in love with me! Think about it: Lucille has been so long in Italy that he finally realized he should be with me.
Laverne: I don’t know, Shirl…
Shirley: He’s probably gonna ask me to go steady with him. I mean we’ve been on and off for so long…
Laverne: I would say more off than on…
Shirley: Oh this is so perfect! I’m so happy I could kiss a rat!
Squiggy walks in from the bowling alley.
Squiggy: Ya girls got some smelling salts? I just hit Lenny with the bowling ball.
Shirley: I’m gonna go look for a rat. Buy guys!
Shirley quickly exits.
Squiggy: Where’s she headin’?
Laverne: Straight for another heartbreak.
Squiggy: I don’t know that place. Is it near the brewery?
Laverne: (hits him in the arm) I mean that she’s gonna have her heart broken again.
Lenny enters from the bowling alley, trying to keep his balance thanks to Squiggy’s blow.
Lenny: Hey what’s going on?
Laverne: Shirley thinks that Carmine has fallen head over heals for her.
Squiggy: But ain’t that broad Lucille coming back from Italy?
Laverne: Yep and they’re still dating. The only reason Carmine asked Shirley out is ‘cause I told him to. I thought it might cheer her up a bit. I think it cheered her up a bit too much. She thinks he wants to go steady.
Lenny: Oh…(nods as if understanding and then: ) Where am I?
Laverne ad-libs some harsh words toward Lenny (Squiggy rises his fist, etc.) and pushes them back to the bowling alley.
End of Act One
To Be Continued…