Three Kids and a Squiggy
by Squeaky

It was around midnight. There wasn't a single light on in the girls' apartment. There wasn't a single
sound in the girls' apartment. There wasn't a single girl in the girls' apartment! The door was opened
and quick footsteps could be heard. Suddenly a a female shriek broke the silence:

"Laverne! You're stepping on my foot!"

"Sorry, Shirl. Let me turn on the lights." Laverne did so and Shirley gently sat on the couch. Forgetting about her foot, Shirley gazed at the floor as if her mind was somewhere else. Laverne sat down next to her friend, and looked at the direction Shirley was gazing at. They both daydreamed... or nightdreamed about their dates.

"Oh, Doug and Jerry Matthews are such a fine gentleman....too bad they both have children." said Shirley.

"So what if they have children! My date has two! Think about it.... they are lawyers....divorced lawyers. I don't see anything wrong with them havin' little children."

"But I mean, what if Doug and I fall in love and he asks me to marry him? I
don't think I'm prepared to be a mother...."

"Who's talking about marriage? It was only our first date with them."

Suddenly Shirley heard somebody murmuring.

"Yeah, but still---what was that?"

"What was what?"

"Shhhh"

Now they both heard the murmuring. It came from their bedroom. Laverne quickly looked for her bat and held it tight. They slowly entered their bedroom and turned on the  lights. Laverne was ready to attack, but found the room was empty. Shirley gestured they checked the bathroom. Laverne
held her bat high in case the burglar tried to be aggressive with them. Shirley turned the doorknob and she suddenly was pulled by the door itself! Somebody was coming out of the bathroom! Laverne let out a cry and was ready to hit the thief, but Lenny was quick enough to hold the bat before it smashed his head open.

"LENNY?!" cried the girls.

"Laverne, what are you doing?!" he said taking the bat off her hands.

"What am I doing? What are you doing?!" she said as she tried to catch her breath.

"How did you get in here? What are you doing here at this hour?" asked Shirley with a velocity of 10 words per second.

"Now, you girls told me and Squig, to lock the door when we left, right?"

"Right." answered the girls.

"Well, Squig and I haven't left just yet," he said.

"You haven't left? We've been out since eight! What could you to be possibly be doing in here for four hours?" asked Shirley.

"Well, see," started Lenny laughing nervously. "It's a very funny story....uh..."

"Oh. no. What did you do to the bathroom? Squiggy is in there isn't he? Tell me you didn't do anything to my bathroom...or I'll kill you." said Shirley wit a menacing tone.

"Now, now Shirl." said Laverne. "Let the man talk. I'm sure he has a perfect explanation for this...otherwise we'll both kill him."

"See, I sorta had this idea to test the little paper boat I made... Remember the little one with the little paper captain and all..."

"Awww. Yeah! Captain Leonard Green Beard. It was so cute...it had the little paper parrot and all..." said Laverne.

"Forget the captain Laverne! This is our bathroom we are talking about! Our very own private place....our...temple."

"You need some medical attention, Shirl," said Laverne putting her hand on Shirley's forehead.

"Keep going with the story, Lenny." cried Shirley taking Laverne's hand off her face.

"Well, we tested the ship on your toilet..."

"My toilet! Are you crazy?!" cried Shirley.

"Hey, the kitchen sink was full of dirty plates. You girls should be more clean ya know," he said and Shirley tried to grab him by the neck and choke him, but fortunately Laverne stopped her in time.

"Well anyway Squiggy accidentally flushed the toilet and the boat got stuck and...unfortunately...we lost Captain Leonard Green Beard...he was a good paper captain...and I'll miss the little fellow."

"Gee, that's too bad. Anyway, we can call  pop tomorrow and he'll fix the toilet...and you boys will have to pay him for it. See, Shirl...and you made a big deal out of nothin'... " said Laverne.

Lenny laughed nervously once more and stopped the girls before they could enter the bathroom.

"See, the story ain't over yet."

"Oh, no! I knew there was something else," said Shirley.

"Well it occurred to Squiggy that maybe we could get rid of the boat if we pushed it so he put his foot on the toilet bowl and pushed."

"Ewww! Barefoot?" asked Laverne.

"Well, yeah" answered Lenny.

"Oh, he's cleaning it," murmured Laverne to Shirley.

"Well it ain't over yet."

"What? What more could have possibly happened. His foot is inside my toilet bowl!" cried Shirley.

"Well his foot is sorta...stuck."

"Stuck? What do ya mean stuck?" asked Laverne trying to get a hold of her bat once more.

"It's stuck! It won't come out!" Lenny pulled the bat away from Laverne once more.

The girls came to realize Squiggy had to be in a bad shape by having his foot stuck for such a long time.

"Wait a minute Len. How long has he been in there?" asked Laverne.

"Well I think fifteen minutes after you girls left."

"What?!" cried the girls and they ran to the bathroom. They immediately saw Squiggy and his foot stuck in the toilet bowl. He sat on a chair and was fast asleep.

"How could you leave him there for four hours, Lenny?! Why didn't you call someone?" asked Shirley.

"I tried, but he told me he could take care of himself."

"You shouldn't have listened to him," said Laverne. She approached Squiggy and tried to wake him up. "Squig...Squiiiig...SQUIGGY!!!!

He woke up and yelled: "The ship's goin' down! Women and Squiggies first."

He then came to his senses and saw his three friends around him.

"Oh, 'ello. I'm sorta stuck here...."

"We can see that Squiggy," said Shirley. "Now, Laverne and I will try and pull you out, okay."

He hesitated for a moment and then agreed.

"Well okay, but don't tell nobody about this little incident. I got a reparation to maintain."

Reparation? Laverne and Shirley each got a hold of one of his arms and pulled and pulled but Squiggy couldn't be released. He cried in pain, but the girls ignored him.

"Gently girls, gently," Squiggy said once the girls stopped pulling.

"Gently?! Squiggy your foot is in my toilet bowl! That's the most disgusting thing that has ever touched it!" said Shirley.

"Girls," said Lenny. "You are doing it all wrong. Let me give it another try...."

"You couldn't get him out of here then, you won't get him out of here now," said Shirley. "Step aside."

The girls and Lenny started arguing and they pulled Squiggy back and forth. Finally, the girls pulled Squiggy out of Lenny's grasp and the blond guy hit the wall and as he tried to get back on his feet he accidentally flushed the toilet. The toilet started to make a noise as if it was about to explode.

"It's going to blow. Run for your lives!" shouted Lenny.

The gang screamed in terror and after pulling and yelling they finally got Squiggy out. It seemed like he was hurt, but they only thing they all cared about was to get out of the bathroom! They did so and a loud explosion was heard and water started splashing everywhere.

They all sat on Laverne's bed and Shirley cried: "My toilet! My bathroom!"

"My foot!" said Squiggy.

Shirley said: "Why me?" and hid her face under Laverne's pillow and cried.

"Well at least I got Captain Leonard Green Beard back," said Lenny with a little piece of mushy wet green paper on his hand.

2

A couple of days passed and the girls had set another date with Doug and Jerry Matthews. They had an 10 minutes or so until their dream boats arrived. The only problem was that since Squiggy's foot had been injured and put on a cast because of  the toilet incident, he decided to have the girls
 mother him. After all, if the girls didn't do it, who would? He lay comfortably on the girls' couch eating some popcorn while Lenny sat on the floor. They both watched television and looked at the screen like zombies. Shirley walked out of her room and into the livingroom and she was very upset because the boys were still there.

"Will you two get out of here! My date is going to be here soon  and I don't want you two embarrassing me."

The boys didn't move a muscle. Squiggy finally looked at Shirley. His eyes had an over-dramatic feeling; he knew what he was doing."

"How dare you throw us out. I was nearly killed! Not to mention I have to be wearing this thing for a couple of weeks."

"Okay so you got your foot hurt, but you did it yourself. Besides what's your foot got to do with you staying here? Why can't you stay in your own apartment?"

Squiggy stopped eating popcorn and said firmly: "You throw us out after all Lenny and I have done for you girls. Remember the time Laverne had a date with that foreman?. Lenny and I got here just in time to save her!"

"Well, you two were the ones that set her up with him in the first place!"

"All right! I have my dignity. Come on Len. Let's get out of here."

He tried to get up. Lenny helped him rise from the couch but once Squiggy's foot got in contact with the floor he whimpered like a sick puppy. Laverne heard this and came running from their room.

"Squiggy what are you doing?! What's going on, Shirl?"

"Laverne, Doug and Jerry will be here any minute now and I don't want Lenny and Squiggy here!" she whined.

"Come on,  Shirl. Squiggy isn't feeling very well. Besides Lenny here will keep him quiet. Right, Len.... Len?

Lenny was gazing at the TV set and looked as if he were hypnotized.

"See, look how quiet he is," said Laverne hoping the guys wouldn't screw
things up.
 

"All right, sit down you two," said Shirley as she gestured them to take a seat once more. "And remember I don't want a peep out of you to."

"Okay," said the boys in unison.

Laverne and Shirley were about to go back to their room when suddenly the phone rang.

"It's Doug and Jerry calling to tell us they're on their way over! How sweet." said Shirley without actually answering the phone.

The both hurried to the telephone and fought over who would answer it. When one would try and approach the telephone the other would push her aside and so on. In a matter of seconds they were fighting. Finally Laverne grabbed Shirley by her hair and pushed her away from the phone. Shirley let out a cry. Laverne picked up the receiver and, as if nothing had happened, she said in a seductive tone: "Hello there...."

Shirley listened closely.

"Oh, hi Jerry!" Laverne and Shirley quietly jumped in joy and excitement. "Oh, I'm really looking forward to our da--- What do you mean the date has to be postponed???"

Shirley's smile quickly turned into a frown and she rested her head on Laverne's shoulder mouthing "I knew it"s

"Oh, I see..." said Laverne. "Can't you find another baby-sitter? Oh, I understand." She was about to say good-bye when she looked and the couch and saw Lenny and Squiggy. They weren't very smart fellows, but she knew she could trust them to take care of a couple of kids. What harm could they do in a few hours? Then she remembered how her father spent a whole day fixing the toilet. Then again, she could ask Miss Babish to take care of the children... "Hey, Jerry, you and Doug bring the kids....Why? Well, what if I told you I could get you a great baby-sitter I know...."

A couple of minutes passed and Laverne and Shirley were pacing back and forward and were very worried.

"This is all your fault, Laverne!"

"How was I supposed to know Miss Babish and Pop were goin' on a date?"

"You are supposed to know that; your his daughter! If only Carmine was home... We have to call Doug and Jerry and tell them the date is off. We just can't take the children with us."

They both turned their faces to the couch once more and saw their weird neighbors still staring paralyzed at the television screen.

"They're our only hope, Shirl."

Shirley hesitated for a moment and finally said: "Okay, but Lenny and Squiggy must be at least 10 feet away from my toilet."

"Shirl, this toilet thing is really worrying me."

Both girls approached Lenny and Squiggy and tried to convince them to take care of three kids.  Of course, the boys refused.

"Sorry, girls. I got a hot date tonight." said Lenny.

"What do ya mean you gotta date tonight? You're sittin' there watching TV." said Laverne.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"It's almost 8:30." replied Shirley.

Lenny quickly got up and hurried to the door he paused and said: "Gotta go. And, uh...Squig... if the doors locked when you get to our apartment, your sleeping outside." and he left.

"Does every single person in the world have a date tonight but ME??" asked Squiggy. He looked miserably at his foot and said to it: "This is all your fault!"

"Oh, Squig we really need you on this one. If you take care of the kids you can spend the night on the couch...please?" pleaded Laverne.

"I ain't taking care of no kids."

Shirley got closer with her arms crossed and said: "That's is mister: either you accept to take care of the children or you sleep in the cold wet gutter with all the creepy crawling insects and pests... and that weird guy who thinks he's Desi Arnaz!"

"I don't care." he sharply said.

Laverne sat beside him and started signing Babaloo.

"Babaloooooo...No Squiggy you can't be on the show..."

Needless to say, Squiggy accepted.
 

3

Almost immediately, Doug and Jerry arrived with their kids. Penny was Doug's and David and Michael were Jerry's. The kids were obviously little geeks and appeared to be spoiled brats. When Squiggy first laid eyes on the children he thought he was going to puke. They were all neatly dressed and the biggest boy had the thickest glasses Squiggy had ever seen. Of course Laverne and Shirley thought the kids were adorable. The girls presented their dates and their children to Squiggy and vice versa. Quickly the four love birds were leaving. Shirley was the last to exit and, before she shut the door, she gave Squiggy an if-something-goes-wrong-I'll-kill-you look, gave him a sweet smile and left.

Squiggy looked suspiciously at the children. The kids smiled and quickly sat beside him. Michael, the oldest (10) said hello. David (8) and Penny (6) said nothing. The children stared at Squiggy. He ignored the little creatures, but the kids never ceased to look at him. He finally had enough and decided he had to do something. And he couldn't mess it up otherwise he would spend the night listening to Milwaukee's own Ricki Ricardo. He had to think something and he had to think it fast; boy did his head hurt.

Hmmm...he was hungry...

"Hello, children. What do ya say we play a little game?" he asked merrily.

The children cheered.

"Okay, this game's called 'The king and his three little servants'. I'll be the King and you three can be my little servants! Isn't it fun!"

The children's cheering ceased and they all stared at Squiggy once more.

"I'm afraid your pathetic attempt of deceiving my siblings and I into doing servant labors wasn't successful, Mr. Squiggman," said little Penny.

"What did you say?" asked Squiggy. More than one big word in a sentence was more than he could handle.

"I said that your poorly planned---"

"She meant none of us is going to do any dirty housework for you, mister" firmly said  David.

"Well, well, well. Ain't ya a lil' bigmouth! Want me throw you outside and lock the door, eh?"

"Just try it," defied David. "I'll tell my dad and you'll be in big trouble!"

Darn, he's right! thought Squiggy. Okay so he and the kids did not start on the right foot. The right foot! That was it!

"Now, come here my three little Munchkins," said Squiggy in a very soft voice as he motioned the children to sit close to him. "I am a man who is under an awful lot of pain. I was rescuing a poor orphan kitty who was so scared he couldn't get down from a tree, but as I caught the little feline
I slipped and fell and I hurt my foot as you can see. But all the agony was worth it when I found that poor kitty a home with a family of  ten lonely children, their parents and their very very sick grandma. They were all so happy when they received the little yellow kitty... In gratitude, they wanted to give me the little money they had, and I refused...because I'm a---"

"You are so pathetic!" said David.

"I ask you to forgive my brother for he is using a tasteless language this
evening."

"I didn't believe your story either, Squiggy, but I thought it was great," said Michael making Squiggy smile. He ignored the middle child's remarks and didn't understand a word the smallest one said. Still he liked the children and decided to do with them what he knew he could do best: watch TV.

An hour had passed and they all watched television and ate their third bowl of popcorn. They all looked like zombies until there was a commercial. Immediately David ran for more butter and the others talked with Squiggy.

"Hey, Dave I ain't got no more Pepsi. Will ya bring another bottle?" saidPenny. All her culture and all her manners had disappeared! David had forgotten all about his bad attitude and had become friendlier with his brother and sister, but especially with Squiggy. Michael remained just about the same except he never watched television, but he somehow started to like it...a lot. They spent the next hours playing charades and telling jokes. It was almost midnight and the kids didn't want to go to sleep! They were so fond of Squiggy they had served him soda and sandwiches. Penny fluffed his pillow and the baby-sitter  laid down. David ran and looked for one of Shirley's bed sheets and gently covered Squiggy. The three kids stood close to the couch and sang a lullaby. When they saw Squiggy was fast asleep, the kids went to the kitchen and started cleaning it.

Laverne and Shirley arrived with their dates and the girls' mouths were wideopen.

"Kids what are you DOING?" asked Jerry.

"What in the world is this? Laverne, your baby-sitter has got my two boys cleaning the kitchen!!!"

Laverne and Shirley were very nervous. Shirley knew something like that would happen; she just wanted to strangle Squiggy. Laverne was worried Doug would be mad at her and never asked her out again. Both girls knew their dates were going to say something else so they braced themselves.

"That's just wonderful!" said Doug.

"Your baby-sitter is a miracle worker" said Jerry.

"What???" asked the girls in unison. They had no idea what the guys were talking about.

The three kids ran to their respective fathers and hugged them.

"Oh, Pop, ain't Squiggy the best?" said Penny to her father.

"Wait, is this my daughter speaking? Oh, Penny, I always prayed I could live to see the day when you stopped using that refined language your adulterous mother had! Did I say adulterous...I meant adult."  Then Shirley said:

"Jerry, Doug... I'm really sorry about this incident. We'll make sure that Squiggy is reprehended for letting the kids do such hard wo---"

"Reprehended? We've been trying to make these kids do some chores at our own homes, but they were always to lazy."

"You mean you guys ain't mad at us?' asked Laverne.

"Of course not! We're glad. Hey, girls would you like to go out next weekend?" asked Doug.

"Sure!" exclaimed the girls.

The children were really happy because they had the greatest time ever. They all said their good-byes and left. Laverne and Shirley ran to the couch and shook Squiggy harshly until he woke up.

"Squiggy, how could you do this to us!!!" yelled Shirley. "I'm going to kill you!"

"That's enough, Shirl. Let go of Squig...let go Shirl!" said Laverne, but Shirley didn't loosen her grasp. After a short struggle, Laverne was able to  separate the two.

"What's all this this about? Where are the kids?" asked Squiggy.

"They already left, you lousy...no good...irresponsible, sluggish excuse of a baby sitter! I can't believe you went to sleep and left three little kids to do housework---those are my bed  sheets!!!"

"Calm down, Shirl...calm down. Now, Squig, I'm gonna try and understand something here, okay? Why exactly were the children cleaning the kitchen... did you tell 'em they had to clean our dishes?"

Squiggy shook his head and said: "Of course I didn't tell them to do it... they did it themselves."

"See, Shirl..." said Laverne smiling. "They did it themselves..."

Squiggy continued: "They did it themselves for obvious reasons: they prepared me my sandwiches so it was their job to clean  up after themselves, not mine."

"Those poor itty-bitty kids served you food? Squiggy, you were the one supposed to be baby-sitting them! It wasn't supposed to be the other way around! I don't believe this! How could you be so careless and neglectful!"

"Well, they offered themselves to make my sandwich; they was the ones who insisted to clean up the kitchen; Penny told me I could go to sleep not to mention she were the one who brought me your bed sheets. All of that because they knew my foot weren't okay."

"I am appalled! You used your silly foot injury as an excuse!" accused Shirley.

"Silly, eh? Well, I used no foot injury as an excuse. They only did all those things for me because they was the only ones who really cared about me. You girls never even told me you wished that I got better soon. It really hurts."

"Of course it hurts; your foot was stuck in the toilet for four hours." said Laverne awkwardly since she knew he was right.

"I mean,  it hurts inside."

Suddenly the girls realized they hadn't treated Squiggy the way a friend deserved. They both stepped aside and exchanged whispers. Once they were done, they went back to the couch and sat beside Squiggy, one in each side.

"Now, Squiggy, you know that your actions tonight were very irresponsible, right?" began Shirley. He nodded in agreement. She continued: Laverne and I agree your behavior was forced under the circumstances. We forgive you and we hope you promise never, under any circumstances, let something like as irresponsible as that ever happen again, okay?"

Squiggy continued nodding. He had no idea what 'circumstances' meant.

"And we're really sorry we've treated you like garbage, but we promise we will make it up to ya." said Laverne.

"Just ask us anything. Anything you want. And we'll give it to you."

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

"Except that," said Shirley.

"Shirl....." said Laverne.

Shirley reluctantly nodded in agreement. "Oh, alright."

"I'll go check if Carmine's in his appartment and he'll come and help you out, Sguig, okay?" said Laverne and she exited.

Shirley sat there and even though she wasn't looking at Squiggy she could sense he was staring at her. It made her sick. She gently moved away from him and closer to the edge of the couch. Squiggy quickly moved and sat even closer than he was before and started making his move to kiss her. Shirley was disgusted and pushed his face away from hers.

"You said I could ask for anything and I'm just asking for a little kiss..."

"No! I rather kiss a tarantula...a dirty tarantula."

"Oh, pleeease. I need some cheerin' up. I can't even go to the bathroom by
myself...."

"Oh all right," she gave him quick kiss on the lips and looked away so she could wipe her lips with her hand. Squiggy was so delighted that he grabbed Shirley and kissed her the only way he knew how. Shirley pushed him away and she yelled how disgusting it was.

"Stupid of me for thinking that for once you would behave like a human being. You are sleeping outside, mister!" she calmed down and walked to her room with her pride and dignity intact.

Squiggy felt splendid and said very confidently to himself : "She wants me." And he sat there hoping Laverne would bring Carmine soon.

THE END

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