The Princess and the Clown
by Squeaky

At the Pizza Bowl…

Laverne and Shirley are sitting; Shirley is bumping her head on the table.

Laverne: Will you stop doin' that, Shirl?. It ain't gonna make things any better.

Shirley: Laverne I don't think I can go through with this.

Laverne: Why not? It's only a date with Squiggy. It could've been worse. Imagine going out with Icky Hector.

Shirley: You got that right. But still---

Laverne: I told you a hundred times not to mess around with Rosie Greenbaum and her stupid bets. You lost and this is how you're payin'.

Shirley: But victory was practically mine! Rosie cheated. She bumped me right before the finish line and that's why both the egg and the spoon fell out of my mouth.

Laverne shrugs and looks away.

Shirley: You don't believe me? (takes a photoout of her purse) This was taken right at the finish line.

Laverne: Aw Shirl you shouldn't be showing this picture around; you're all cross-eyed.

Shirley: What? Let me see that… Oh I look hideous! (calm) People never look good when they are concentrating, Laverne. That's a sign of a brilliant mind.

Laverne: Yeah I'm sure Einstein always had his mouth and arms open wide and looked up to the sky cross-eyed, heh?

Shirley snatches the picture from Laverne.

Shirley: Give me that!

Laverne: (laughing) I don't think I've seen anything so funny looking in my life!

Squiggy: Hello!

Lenny and Squiggy enter the Pizza Bowl and approach the girls.

Laverne: (low voice) Be brave, Shirl. When you get back from the date I'll be waiting for you at the door to take the picture of you and Squiggy kissing like we planned okay?

Shirley: (whining) Do I have to kiss him?

Laverne: Yep. (out loud) Hey Lenny let's go bowling!

Lenny: Can I hold your hand on the way?

Laverne: No.

Lenny: Oh.

They exit. Squiggy sits with Shirley.

Shirley: Hi, Squiggy.

Squiggy: (laughs, looking at the picture) Boy look at you; I didn't know you drank.

Shirley: Don't be stupid, Squiggy. That was taken the other day when Rosie and I were--- I mean yes I was dead drunk that day. Crazy party I went to a while back.

Squiggy: Crazy party, eh? How come I wasn't invited?

Shirley: (remembering the bet) Andrew how could I ever forget about inviting you? My, my, my… I am so ashamed of myself. Fie on me! How could I ever make it up to you?

Squiggy whispers something in her ear. Shirley shrieks and hits with her purse.

Shirley: I don't want to hear those words coming out of your mouth ever again! Do you hear me?

Squiggy: Of course I hear you; you're screaming.

Shirley: Okay, how about this? Why don't you and I go on a date tonight?

Squiggy laughed.

Shirley: (angry) What's so funny?

Squiggy: For a moment there I thought I heard you say you wanted to go out with me this Saturday.

Shirley: That's what I said.

Squiggy: (shocked) Really?

Shirley: Really. Is that so hard to believe?

Squiggy: Yeah.

Shirley: Well it's no joke. So do you wan tot go out with me?

Squiggy: I'm going on a date with Shirley Feeney!

Squiggy kisses her on the cheek and runs cheering out the Pizza Bowl.

Shirley: That wasn't so bad.

She starts bumping heard head on the table.

Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Night

Shirley is all dressed up pacing back and forth. There's a knock on the door. She slowly approaches it.

Shirley: (low tone) Who is it?

Squiggy: It's me.

Shirley opens the door. Her eyes open wide as she sees Squiggy wearing a bright orange suit. She rubs her eyes; the suit blinds her.

Shirley: (blinking) Come in, Squiggy.

Squiggy: I brought you a little something here. I know it ain't much, but I hope you like it.

He gives her a mini Boo Boo Kitty.

Shirley gasps and smiles.

Shirley: It's the cutest thing I have ever seen, Squiggy! Thank you!

She gives him a hug.

Shirley: Where did you get it?

Squiggy: I made it with one of my socks.

Shirley is disgusted and holds the cat as far as possible with the tips of her fingers.

Squiggy: (offended) Now come on Shirl. The sock wasn't used.

Shirley: Sorry Squiggy I though---

Squiggy: Yeah you thought. Come on let's go eat.

He grabs her hand and walks out the door. Shirley looks down at their joined hands and is surprised with his gentle manner.

Fancy Restaurant - That Night

Shirley and Squiggy are seated.

Squiggy: That's a pretty dress you're wearing there, Shirl.

Shirley: Oh, thanks Squiggy. That's a nice… that's an interesting suite you got there.

Squiggy: Interesting and free.

Shirley: Don't tell me: you got it from your uncle's wax museum.

Squiggy: How'd you know?

Shirley: Wax has a distinctive smell.

Squiggy: Oh.

Squiggy smells the sleeves of his suite and Shirley looks around, embarrassed. People are staring at Squiggy and they point and giggle. This upsets Shirley.

Shirley: I was joking Squiggy. The suit is fine.

Squiggy: Oh. It's kinda sticky though.

He presses a spoon against his coat and it sticks.

The waiter comes with their order. He looks at Squiggy, rolls up his eyes and sighs.

Waiter: How tasteless.

The waiter leaves the table. Shirley looks at Squiggy who is already eating.

Shirley: I can't believe how rude that waiter is! He's been saying awful things all night long. Squig?

Squiggy: What?

Shirley: Didn't you hear him?

Squiggy: Yeah.

Shirley: Doesn't it upset you at all? You've been nothing but a gentleman all night and people are laughing at you.

Squiggy: (looking around) They are?

Shirley: Um… well yeah.

Squiggy pretends everything's okay.

Squiggy: Um when you're me you sorta get used to it. I know I ain't the handsomest or smartest guy that ever lived.

Shirley: That's not true. Youre… you're… um. You can drive an eighteen-wheeler better than anyone I know!

Squiggy: (coldly) Gee, thanks Shirl. You know we should go home. This ain't gonna work.

Shirley: Go home? But why?

Squiggy: Look at us, Shirley. We don't belong together. You're a princess on a date with a clown.

Shirley: (touched) Don't say that Squiggy. These people laugh because they don't know you like I do. (pause) You know what? Let's do get out of here. We're much better than this group of (loud, standing up) lame, brain-dead, fancy pansy people!

Squiggy: Shhh! What are you doing Shirl?

Waiter: Excuse me, madam? May I ask you to lower your voice? It's upsetting the other customers.

Shirley: I'm upsetting them? All of them including you have done nothing but laugh at my friend all night!

Waiter: Madam---

Shirley: Tell me you mean waiter you: what's so funny about my friend?

Waiter: Since you ask, I must say that in all my years working on the restaurant business I have never seen such a ridiculous display. He should work at the circus. Your date would fit perfectly beside the cage of a three-headed cow. Not only is he hideous, but also I have seen better class from the monkeys at the zoo.

Squiggy, rises and begins to walk out. Since the suit was all sticky, the tablecloth got stuck on it and all the plates, etc. fell to the floor. Squiggy quickly takes off his coat and runs out the restaurant.

Shirley: Squiggy wait!

The headwaiter approaches the spectacle. Meanwhile…

Waiter: My dear lady, you are a beautiful woman, it's too sad you have reached such a low point in your life. Won't you rather date someone normal, someone with class? Some who doesn't humiliate you with his presence? Say someone like me?

Shirley punches him and runs after Squiggy.

Headwaiter: I will not tolerate this conduct, Gilberto; you are fired! (to the customers) Eat, for crying out loud!

He exits and the people laugh at Gilberto.

Lenny and Squiggy's apartment

Squiggy angrily throws his orange hat across the room. He sits down and wipes the tears off his face.

We hear Shirley calling Squiggy until she bursts through the door. She carries his coat.

Shirley: You okay?

Squiggy: It's my stupid eyes; they're leaking.

She sits beside him.

Shirley: I brought you your coat.

She gives him his coat; it has forks, napkins, and etc. stuck on it.

Squiggy: Did you hit him good?

Shirley: Yeah I punched him right in the eye and he--- how did you know I was going to hit him?

Squiggy: See, I know you too, Shirl. You may seem like goody-two-shoes, but when you're tough, boy you're tough!

Shirley: Oh, you're just saying that!

Squiggy: Listen, I'm sorry I embarrassed you tonight. But don't worry I'll tell Rosie Greenbaum that everything went okay.

Shirley: Rosie Greenbaum? You knew all along the date was because of the bet?

Squiggy: The date was my idea actually.

He jumps out of the chair and ducks underneath the table.

Shirley: Get up Squiggy I'm not gonna hit you. I've had enough violence for one night.

Squiggy sits back on the chair.

Shirley: Squiggy if you wanted to go out with me why didn't you just ask me?

Squiggy: 'Cause you were gonna say no.

Shirley: Well… I'm--- I'm so sorry Squiggy.

Squiggy: Yeah I thought so. It's okay you know? At least I tried to make you like me.

Shirley: But I like you Squiggy…

His face lights up.

Shirley: As a friend that is. Remember when Lenny had a crush on Laverne? He---

Squiggy: This ain't about Lenny or a silly little crush? This is about me! I'm dumb and ugly and I'm not enough for you, Shirl. Just say it!

He turns away from her and keeps wiping the tears off his face.

Shirley: You surprised me tonight, Squiggy.

Squiggy: What?

Shirley: Tonight you should me what a sweet caring guy you could be if you really tried. I liked that a lot.

Squiggy: You did, huh?

She gently takes hold of his chin and turns his face back to her.

Shirley: You still got some things to work on like nail hygiene and other things, but if you continue with the improvements maybe, just maybe, we could go out on a real date some day.

Squiggy kisses her hand.

Shirley: Nice touch!

Squiggy: I'm gonna walk you home.

Laverne and Shirley's Apartment

Laverne sits on the couch with her camera around her neck. She looks at her watch impatiently.

Laverne: Where is, Shirl?

There's a 'thump' on the door.

Laverne quickly opens the door. Shirley and Squiggy are kissing. She takes the shot with her camera. She stands triumphant before them.

Laverne: That's enough, Shirl. I got the photo. (pause) Shirl? Squiggy? Snap out of it!

They still kiss and Laverne gives up.

The Pizza Bowl - Next Day

Laverne and Lenny sit at a table. Shirley and Squiggy are at the counter. Rosie is with them examining the picture.

Rosie: Nice shot there, Shirley. You're all cross-eyed.

Shirley: Wrong photo. Here it is.

She gives Rosie the picture of the kiss.

Rosie: Well Feeney you did it. Was it too horrible? But you gotta do what you gotta do. Ain't that right, eh?

Squiggy: Hey!

Shirley: You're wrong, Rosie. I kissed Squiggy not because I had to, but because I wanted to. Squiggy acted like a perfect gentleman all evening and as a matter of fact we are planning to go on another date.

Squiggy: I even cut my nails this morning.

Rosie: Huh? Anyway whatever suits you, Feeney. See ya later guys.

She exits.

Shirley picks a piece of lint off of Squiggy's jacket and he fixes her hair. They exchange smiles and walk together to the bowling alley.

Laverne: Look at those two, Len. I wonder what's goin' on there. Come on; let's bowl too.

Lenny: Can I hold your hand---?

Laverne: NO!


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