Laverne and Shirley

Squiggy Saves Shirley

Written by: Squeaky

Story by: Stephanie






Shirley wears her bath robe and sits on the couch with Boo Boo Kitty on her lap.


Shirley: Look at me, Boo Boo Kitty. This is the third weekend in a row without a date. Three Saturdays alone! And Carmine with that Lucille…(high-piched cry) I wanna go on a date!


There is a knock on the door. Shirley tidies up her robe, gently walks to the door and grabs a bat.


Shirley: (lower tone) Who is it?


Miss Babish: It’s Edna. I’ve got your mail.


Shirley puts the bat down and opens.


Shirley: Hi, Miss Babish.


Babish: Hey, Shirl.


Shirley: (grabbing the envelopes) Thanks for bringing the mail. Laverne was supposed to pick it up this morning.


Babish: How come she keeps forgetting to pick it up?


Shirley: I’m sorry Miss Babish. You see Laverne has this tendency to flirt with the mailman so she forgets to pick it up. She waits until he arrives and says “Hi there handsome.” She wants him to ask her out. Mailmen make good money or so I’ve heard.


Babish: She does that every time?


Shirley: Every time.


Babish: Has it worked? Has he asked her out?


Shirley: No, but he did speak to her once.  He set up for her a blind date with his cousin: Bruno the Butcher.


Babish: Bruno the Butcher? Sounds to me the mailman wanted to scare her off.


Shirley: Yeah, but it didn’t work. Now we get very cheap ground beef. Anyway I’ll talk to Laverne about the mail.


Babish:. Where is she anyway?


Shirley: She went with Lenny to the movies. There is a Chimpanzees in Movies Marathon and they said they wouldn’t miss it for the world. Apparently twelve hours of monkeys wearing sunglasses and driving mini cars is their idea of entertainment.


Babish: Well tell her I said ‘Good Luck’


Shirley: Good luck about the mailman?


Babish: No. About spending twelve straight hours with Lenny. She is a brave woman.


Miss Babish exits. Shirley sits back on the couch and starts checking the mail.


Shirley: Bills, bills. Always bills… Hey what’s this? Ha! 10 cents discount coupon for the movies. That’ll teach Laverne to forget the mail. What’s this other thing? It’s for me. (reads) Shirley W. Feeney?(gasps) But who knows my middle name?


She opens it up.


Shirley: (reads) You are invited to a special party tonight at apartment 305 at 6pm.


Shirley is filled with joy. She grabs Boo Boo Kitty.


Shirley: A party Boo Boo Kitty! A party! Oh, but I don’t have a date… I’d look silly without one. Oh, who cares! Maybe I’ll meet someone there.  A handsome, tall, mysterious man… Oh, Boo Boo Kitty I’m in love with him already.


Squiggy enters.


Squiggy: Hello!


Shirley: Hi, Squiggy. Can’t talk right now. There is this special party at apartment 305 at 6pm and I was invited. I gotta get dressed up.


Squiggy: Dressed up? But it’s 3:45! I got invited too and you don’t see me yappin’ about dressing up. There’s plenty of time for that later.


Shirley: I’m sorry Squiggy but I don’t think putting more layers grease on your hair qualifies as dressing up and besides--- wait just a second. You mean to tell me you were invited too?


Squiggy: Yep.


Shirley: But why? Who would do such a thing?


Squiggy: (oblivious of her annoyance) I really don’t know who.


Shirley: Well, there go my hopes of finding a decent man at the party.


Squiggy: So uh… (puts his arm around her) you gotta date?


Shirley steps away from him removing his arm with disgust.


Shirley: No, I don’t have a date and don’t you be getting any ideas.


Squiggy: Come on, Shirley! Give a poor lonely guy a break! I mean I haven’t been on a date for weeks and I’m starting to think that women may not like to go out with me.


Shirley: (sarcastic) Nooooooo!


Squiggy: I’m telling ya, Shirl, I think I’ve lost my appeal.


Shirley: Appeal? Ha, ha, ha! Don’t make me laugh! You got the appeal of a---


Shirley stops and looks at Squiggy. He is pouting. Shirley can’t help it but feel sorry for her pal.


Shirley: Fine, fine. How bad can it be? Okay, I’ll be your date for tonight. But: if you even think of making a move on me I’ll beat your brains out!


Squiggy: Deal


Shirley: Deal.


They shake hands. Shirley is disgusted.


Shirley: How many times have I told you to clean your hands after you put on your hair grease!


Squiggy: I did clean my hands. I licked all the grease off!




We see an apartment similar to Lenny and Squiggy’s; very small and a bit filthy. There seems to be nobody yet.


We hear Shirley and Squiggy arguing and the door is opened. Shirley stares at the room disgusted; Squiggy acts indifferent.


Shirley: Are you sure this is apartment 305? Yuck! It’s even worse than your apartment!


Squiggy: No I don’t think so. It smells the same. (takes a big sniff) Ah, the sweet aroma of moldy cheese.


Shirley: I don’t like this place one bit. If you want to stay, stay but I’m getting out of here.


A tall handsome man appears. Shirley’s grimace quickly turns into a dimpled Feeney smile.


Shirley: On second thought… Hi! I’m Shirley Feeney. Nice place you got here!


Arthur: Thanks. And your friend is…?


Squiggy: I’m her date.


Arthur: Date eh?


Shirley: (laughs out loud and slaps Squiggy on the back of the head) He is such a joker. Go over there and be quiet.


Squiggy reluctantly stands on the other side of the room leaving Shirley and Arthur alone.


Shirley: So, what’s your name?


Arthur: It’s Arthur. Arthur Mellon.


Shirley: Arthur Mellon…. Arthur Mellon? I think I’ve heard that name before…? Don’t I know you from somewhere?


Arthur: We went to high school together, remember? I sat behind you on a few classes. You never spoke to me…


Shirley: (still thinking) There’s something so familiar about that name…


Arthur lets Shirley alone in her thoughts he quickly grabs Squiggy, covers his mouth and throws him out the window. Shirley doesn’t notice. Then, Arthur walks closer to her until her face is hidden on his chest.


Shirley: (muffled) Um… Arthur could you step back a bit I can’ breathe…


Arthur: Shirley Feeney after all these years I knew you would be mine! Remember that note I left you on your locker the last day of school???


Shirley: (muffled) That’s it. The note! Your Artie Mellon that geeky kid that always sat behind me and pulled my hair! You wrote to me that one day you would get even because I never liked you.


Arthur: You broke my heart when you started dating that Carmine Ragusa! How could you cheat on me.


Shirley: Cheat on you? We never even spoke to one another!   


Arthur: (anger, building up like a psycho) I liked you so much! I never understood what you saw in Carmine. But don’t worry I’ve gotten rid of him.


Shirley: Rid of him?


Arhtur: I’ve just thrown him out the window.


Shirley: You threw Squiggy out the window!!!!


Arhtur: You mean that wasn’t Carmine?  Right, that was Squiggy! My mistake, but oh well I never liked him either.


Shirley: How could you do such a thing!


Arthur: I am going to make you mine whether you like it or not!


Shirley: You are a sick guy! Sick, sick, sick!


Arthur: I am sick? You’re the one dating Squiggy


Shirley: (indignant) I am not dating Squiggy! (calling) Squiggy are you okay?


Shirley begins to run to the window to check up on Squiggy, but Arthur grabs her and starts kissing her. Shirley struggles to get away from him. The loose their balance and end up on the floor. Shirley screams : “Help!”, etc.


Suddenly we see a hand and then another hand appear on the window. It’s Squiggy, who tries to climb back up. He does so, grabs Arthur by the back of his shirt and punches him. Arthur goes down unconscious.


Squiggy helps Shirley get up and they run out of the apartment.




Later that night, Shirley and Squiggy sat on the couch. Shirley is crying.


Shirley: It was all a trap. The party, everything. He just wanted me and Carmine there so he could hurt us.


Squiggy: You’re okay now, Shirl. The cops got him and everything…


Shirley: One thing I don’t get: why did he invite you? The trap was for Carmine and me.


Squiggy: Actually I wasn’t invited. Since Carmine wasn’t gonna go, I took his invitation.


Shirley: (cries more) If it hadn’t been for you Squiggy, I could’ve been… I could’ve been… he was going to make me vo-deo-doh-doh!


Shirley cries and hides her face on his chest. Usually Squiggy would’ve pat her head and say “Shut up, now.” But he just held her.


Squiggy: I ain’t never lettin’ anyone hurt you Shirl ‘cause I--- well I love you.


Shirley: What did you say?


Squiggy: I said I owe you! I owe you for combing my hair all nice today. I look kinda good don’t I?


Shirley: Right, right. Yeah, you do look nice.


Squiggy: Listen why dontcha go take a nap? You’ve had a thought night and I know me being here isn’t helping at all.


Shirley: No, no stay. It’s all right.


Squiggy rises and begins his way out.


Squiggy: No really, I gotta go.


Shirley: (call out) Squiggy!


Squiggy stops and looks back. Shirley jumps out of the couch, runs to him.


Shirley: Can’t I give you anything in return? You know, for what you did?


Squiggy: Anything eh? How about a little kiss?


He puckers up and she reluctantly gives him a ‘thank you’ kiss on the lips. Then, still close, they look at each other and read each other’s mind: “What is going on here?” They put their arms around each other and kiss passionately. They stop and quickly let go.


They pretend nothing’s happened.


Shirley: Thanks for your help.


Squiggy: Your welcome! Bye!


Shirley: Bye, I’m going to take my nap now.


Neither of them move.


Squiggy: You ain’t moving.


Shirley: Neither are you.


Short pause.


Squiggy: I liked kissing you, Shirl.


Shirley: I can’t believe I’m saying this but so did I. What’s gonna happen now?


Squiggy: I don’t know. Do you?


Shirley: No.


Squiggy: Listen, I’m gonna go now. Talk to ya tomorrow, huh?


Shirley: right, you do that.


Squiggy: But before I go…


Shirley: Yes?


Squiggy: (takes a piece of gum from his mouth and puts it in her hand) That’s yours.


Squiggy exits. Shirley sits back on the couch. She looks up, smiling and sighs.


Shirley: (dreamily) Squiggy…. (waking up) Squiggy???


Shirley lets out one of her high pitched cries as we






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