She Wore a Red Nose
by Squeaky

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY SIT TOGETHER EATING A PIZZA HUNGRILY. THEY GOBBLED THE SLICES.

FRANK CROSSES TO THEM.

Frank: Hey, easy you two. If one of ya chokes you’re gonna scare off the costumers.

Laverne: Sorry Pop, it’s just that uh... this pizza is delicious!

Shirley: And free.

LAVERNE ELBOWS SHIRLEY.

Shirley:(SOTTO) Don’t hit me, Laverne...

Laverne: (SOTTO) Sorry.

Frank: Have you two been eatin’ at all at home?

Laverne: Who? Me and Shirl? (LAUGHS) If we ate more at home, we wouldn’t be able to fit through the door frame.

LAVERNE PUSHES SHIRLEY SO THAT SHE LAUGHS AS WELL.

FRANK SHAKES HIS HEAD. HE EXITS TO THE COUNTER.

Shirley: Are you done hitting me and pushing me, Laverne?

Laverne: Look, Shirl, I don’t want Pop to find out we have been eating soup every night.

Shirley: What’s the matter with eating soup? I make an excelent soup. Tonight I’m gonna make chicken noodle. You love chicken noodle, don’t you?

Laverne: I used to love it, but after eating it for the past two weeks... I mean last night I had a nightmare where noodles grabbed me and threw me in a pot. And what about you? Dontcha hate sitting at the table with the same dull bowl of soup every night?

Shirley: Alright I admit it I hate it too! I hate and despise chicken noodle!

Laverne: Would you lower your voice? Listen, we gotta do somethin’. Our paychecks just aren’t enough anymore. We’ve cut on food expenses, we’ve tried saving water and electricity and we still can barely pay the rent.

Shirley: Last week I tried saving electricity. I let my hair dry naturally instead of using the hair dryer. Squiggy then saw me and called me "Shirley Cottonball".

LAVERNE LAUGHS.

Shirley: Don’t laugh. I was miserable. You always laugh. You are the one that encourages Lenny and Squiggy to make those cruel jokes, "Miss Laverne Stinky Pits".

Laverne: Heeeey. Knock it off.

Shirley: Laverne we need more money and we need it now. There’s only one thing we can do and that is get a weekend job.

Laverne: Oh, come on Shirl! A weekend job! You know sometimes Pop asks me to help him out on the weekends here.

Shirley: Then tell him to pay you!

Laverne: Are you nuts???

Shirley: Then you are going to have to make some sacrifices Laverne. Nothing good comes out of life if there aren’t some sacrifices in it.

Laverne: Sacrifices? Where’d you read that lie? Cosmo?

Shirley: It’s not a lie. And not everything I know comes out of magazines. I read books too. (SOTTO) Reader’s Digest...

Laverne: Shirl, you know how much I look forward to the weekend. Most of the time they are ruined because of Pop wants me to work here. If I get another job, there won’t be any time for fun at all.

Shirley: You mean there won’t be any time for men.

Laverne: Same thing.

Shirley: Look, it doesn’t have to be a hard job. Maybe we could sell some plants or be taxi girls or---

Laverne: Don’t even think about it, Shirl.

Shirley: Right, I forgot. Pleeeeease Laverne, I don’t want to get another job alone...

Laverne: Fine, if it’ll shut your mouth then we’ll both look for a job.

Shirley: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Laverne! Now, let’s see... what kind of job could we do on a weekend.

Laverne: Hey, what about that dog parlor that just opened. Maybe we could get a job washing poodles.

Shirley: What? No, Laverne! Poodles are okay but what if we have to wash a St. Bernard or big dogs like that. They smell, droll, bark and always try to bite your toes.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

Squiggy: Hello!

Lenny: Howya doin’ girls?

Shirley: You two go sit at another table. Laverne and I aren’t in the mood for you or your little jokes.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY SIT WITH THEM ANYWAY. THE GIRLS GROAN.

Lenny: Look, we know you girls have been havin’ a little trouble with money so we sorta thought that maybe we could help you out.

Shirley: Forget it, Leonard. The last thing we would do is take money from anyone especially you two; Laverne and I aren’t that desperate

Laverne: Yes, we are! How much are you gonna give us!

Shirley: Laverne! Sorry guys. We are not accepting any money from you.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND WINK. THEY HAVE A PLAN.

Squiggy: What are you talkin’ about? We ain’t givin’ you no money. Len and I are startin’ a business.

Laverne: What kind of business?

Squiggy: Lenny and I are gonna have a... birthday clown business.

Laverne: That’s uh.. that’s nice Squig.

Shirley: At least you two don’t need any wardrobe for that job.

Squiggy: Don’t mock us, "Shirley Stinky Pits".

Lenny: No, no, she’s "Cottonball", Laverne’s the one that ran out of deodorant.

LAVERNE PULLS LENNY’S EAR.

Lenny: Ow!

Laverne: It just so happens I bougth a deodorant stick a couple of days ago.

Shirley: Yeah, that added two more days to the soup schedule.

Laverne: Boys, just what does your little business got to do with Shirl and me?

Squiggy: Well uh... we want you two to work for us, you know make some extra money.

Laverne: You two want us to be clowns?

LENNY AND SQUIGGY NOD. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY START LAUGHING.

Shirley: This has got to be another one of your stupid jokes.

Lenny: Um... well... this ain’t no joke. See Squiggy and I kinda sorta had been wanting this for a long time. Long time!

Squiggy: Yeah and you can’t run no business with just two clowns.

Laverne: (TO SHIRLEY, ASIDE) Shirl, maybe could---

Shirley: Forget it, Laverne!

Laverne: Come on, you love kids!

Shirley: That’s right I do, but I refuse to be a clown.

Laverne: Do you want to eat soup for dinner for the rest of your life???

Shirley: I’d eat soup for breakfast before I have to lose my dignity!

Laverne: What didgnity, "Cottonball"?

Shirley: I hear the name Cottonball once again I’ll scream.

Laverne: Will you give up on all the drama, Shirl? It’s all simple: we need a job and they are offering one to us.

Shirley: No!

Lenny: Maybe if you saw the costumes...

Shirley: No!

Squiggy: We’ll pay you ten bucks each.

CUT TO:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE IN CLOWN MAKE UP AND CLOTHES. LENNY AND SQUIGGY APPLAUD.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT 1

ACT TWO

IT’S THE DAY OF THE PARTY.

LAVERNE DANCES AND SINGS TO BUDDY HOLLY’S "PEGGY SUE".

FRANK ENTERS THE APARTMENT. LAVERNE DOESN’T SEE HIM AND KEEPS DANCING. FRANK TURNS OF THE RADIO. LAVERNE SEES HIM AND IS ALL EMBARRASSED.

Laverne: Hiya, Pop.

Frank: What are you doing?

Laverne: Me? D-dancin'...

Frank: I thought I told you to come today to the Pizza Bowl to help me out.

Laverne: I thought you said you wouldn’t be needing me today.

Frank: I changed my mind!

LAVERNE JUMPS BACK.

Frank (CONT’D): Get your coat. We're leaving right now. I left Edna alone in the counter.

Laverne: But Pop, Shirley have to wo--- I mean we got plans for today. Can't you find someone else?

FRANK GAVE HER A LOOK. LAVERNE QUICKLY GETS HER COAT.

Laverne: ‘Kay, I’m goin’.

LAVERNE AND FRANK EXIT.

SHIRLEY COMES FROM UPSTAIRS AND ENTERS WITH A CLOWN NOSE ON HER HAND.

Shirley: Laverne, maybe this nose will fit you! (SILENCE) Laverne? (SILENCE) LAVERNE???

SHIRLEY LOOKED AROUND THE LIVING ROOM, THEIR BEDROOM, ETC.

Shirley( CONT’D): That’s funny, the music’s off. Let me see now, why would Laverne leave if I told her I’d be back in five minutes and without leaving me a note.

SHE GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND CRIES DRAMATICALLY.

Shirley (CONT’D): She’s been kidnapped by terrorists! Oh, Lord, make her strong enough to hold on until I can save her from the hands of evil. Fie on me, for leaving her alone!

TELEPHONE RINGS. SHIRLEY PICKS UP THE RECEIVER.

Shirley: Laverne!!! Oh, hello Miss. Babish. (PAUSE) No Mr. DeFazio isn’t here. (PAUSE) He came to pick up Laverne??? But she can’t work at the Pizza Bowl today! Yeah, I understand you need help. Bye.

SHIRLEY HANGS UP THE PHONE

Shirley: Oh, what am I going to do with twenty screaming, running, unruly children??? No, I will not cancel. It’s not like I can't handle a few hours alone with them. I'm a Feeney and us Feeneys know how to lay down the law... except I don’t know how much respect I’ll get having a red ball for a nose.

SHE SCREAMS

RUNNING FOOTSEPS ARE HEARD AND CARMINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT READY TO FIGHT.

Carmine: Where’s the sicko, Shirley??? I’ll knock his brains out!

Shirley: Calm down, Carmine. There is no sicko.

Carmine: Then what are you screaming for?

Shirley: Nothing.

Carmine: Nothing? Nobody screams for nothing. Except maybe Crazy Iris from 305.

SHIRLEY STARTS TO CRY.

Carmine (CONT’D): What’s the matter, Angleface?

Shirley: Nothing.

Carmine: Again with ‘nothing’. Come on, Shirley, it’s me: Carmine! If you need anything, you tell me and I’ll help you out.

SHIRLEY SUDDENLY STOPS CRYING AND SMILES DEVILSHLY. SHE’S GOTTEN AN IDEA.

Shirley(FLIRTATIOUS): Oh, Carmine...

CARMINE GRINS AND WELCOMES HER HUG.

Carmine: Yeah?

Shirley: How would you like to be a clown?

Carmine: Oh, as long as put on that Alice in Wonderland costume again.

CARMINE KISSES HER PASSIONATELY AND PUSHES HER TO THE COUCH. FALLING ON TOP OF HER. HE OBVIOUSLY THINKS SOMETHING HAS BEGUN. SHIRLEY PUSHES HIM AWAY.

Shirley: Carmine, get away! I mean dress up as a clown for a birthday party.

Carmine: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. I knew it was to good to be true.

Shirley: You know we are not gonna vo-dee-oh-do-do until we marry. Listen, you said you would help me on anything so this is it. So please say yes.

Carmine: I thought you and Laverne were in this together.

Shirley: We were, but her father told her to work at the Pizza Bowl today. Please Carmine, I don’t want to go alone.

Carmine: Look Shirl, I’m pround of you takin’ this job, but I can’t help you out on this one. No way.

Shirley: Why not? You said you’d help. (PUTS THE RED NOSE ON HIM) Look, it fits you and everything...

Carmine: You know I love ya, Shirl. I really do, but I gotta go take a cold shower. Sorry.

CARMINE EXITS STILL WEARING THE NOSE.

SHIRLEY CRIES AGAIN AS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

WE ARE IN A BACK YARD FILLED WITH BIRTHDAY DECORATIONS (TABLE WITH CAKE, KIDS WEAR BIRTHDAY HATS, ETC.) KIDS RUN AROUND UNCONTROLLABLY, PULLINGON SHILREY’S COSTUME, ETC.

SAMMY IS THE BIRTHDAY BOY AND HE IS THE MOST MISCHIEVOUS OF ALL.

SHIRLEY AD-LIBS "CUT THAT OUT.", "DON’T RUN, ETC." TO THE KIDS.

SAMMY’S MOTHER ENTERS.

Mother: Okay, children. Settle down. It’s time for the show.

THE KIDS SIT DOWN ON THE FLOOR FACING SHIRLEY. SHE SMILES MEEKLY.

THE MOTHER CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

Mother: I’m sorry I forgot to ask you your "clown" name.

Shirley: My clown name? Uh.. Boo Boo... uh...Cottonball.

Mother: Kids, say hello to Boo Boo Cottonball!

Kids: Hi, Boo Boo Cottonball!

Mother: Well, Boo Boo, I’ll leave you alone with the children. See you in an hour.

Shirley: (MOUTHS TO HERSELF) An hour???

THE MOTHER EXITS.

Shirley: (WITH SQUEAKY VOICE) Hello, kids!

SHIRLEY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHE JUST STANDS AND SMILES AT THEM.. SHE BEGINS TO DO A LITTLE TAP DANCE. THE KIDS START TO "BOO" AT HER.

Sammy: We wanna see you do cartwheels.

Kids: Yeah!

SHIRLEY: (NORMAL VOICE) Cartwheels? You—you want me to do cartwheels? Okay, I can do that...

SHIRLEY TRIES TO DO A CARTWHEEL BUT SAMMY THROWS A BANANA PEEL AND SHE FALLS.

THE KIDS LAUGH AT HER.

Sammy: What a dumb clown!

SHIRLEY STANDS.

Shirley: That was real funny, kid. Yeah, real funny...

SHE GOES OVER HER PROP BOX AND TAKES OUT SOME BALLOONS.

Shirley(CONT’D): Who wants to see a giraffe?

SILENCE.

Shirley: Okay... tough crownd. Ha, ha! Um... a puppy?

SILENCE

Shirley: Okay, puppy it is.

SHIRLEY BLOWS THE BALLOON. SHE TAKES IT OF HER MOUTH TO TIE THE END BUT IT SLIPS AND FLIES AWAY.

THE KIDS LAUGH AT HER.

Sammy: I’ve got my own balloon box.

HE STANDS AND TAKES A BOX FROM BEHIND THE TABLE. IT’S FILLED WITH WATER BALLOONS. HE TAKES ONE AND THROWS IT AT SHIRLEY.

Shirley: You give me those balloons!

Sammy: If you say so...

HE STARTS THROWING BALLOONS AT HER AND THEN ALL THE KIDS JOIN HIM.

SUDDENLY SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER BY JUMPING OVER THE FENCE. THEY BOTH ARE DRESSED AS CLOWNS AND ARE ALREADY SOAKING WET.

Squiggy: Don’t worry, we’ll save you!

SQUIGGY GRABS SOME BALLOONS AND THROWS THEM AT THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN EXIT SCREAMING.

LENNY GOES OVER SHIRLEY AAND STARTS TO SQUEEZE WATER OF HER COSTUME. SHIRLEY SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY.

Squiggy: I got one runt right on the face!

Lenny: Where’s Laverne?

Shirley: She had to work at the Pizza Bowl. How did you guys know I was in trouble?

Lenny: Apparently there’s been a conspiracy againtst clowns.

Shirley: Conspiracy? What conspiracy?

Lenny: It was planned by the kids at the elementary school. We were attacked with water balloons too. We had to come rescue you, but I guess we were to late.

Shirley: No guys, you were right on time. I was about to give that Sammy a spanking.

Squiggy: So, I... uh... guess you won’t be working for us again huh?

Shirley: You got that right, brother. And I am expecting my ten bucks.

SQUIGGY HANDS HER A TEN DOLLAR BILL.

Shirley: Thank you.

Lenny: I don’t blame ya for not wanting to be a clown.

Squiggy: Yeah, the business is gonna flop. Clowns are not on demand these days.

Lenny: Yeah, but what’s gonna happen to you girls?

Squiggy: You and Laverne gotta go out there and keep lookin’ for jobs, ya know.

Lenny: Squiggy’s right, ya know. Hey, you know what’s gotten really popular?

Squiggy/Lenny: Dog parlors.

Mother (O.S.): Who got my son all wet???

Lenny: Run!

LENNY, SHIRLEY AND SQUIGGY BEGIN TO JUMP THE FENCE AS WE:

LAVERNE IS ON A CLOWN COSTUME. SHE LOOKS UNDER THE COUCH CUSHIONS.

Laverne: Where did Shirley put that address?

LENNY, SQUIGGY AND SHIRLEY ENTER. THEY LOOK SAD.

Shirley: Hey, Laverne.

Laverne: Shirl? The party is over so soon? I just change and hoped I could---

LAVERNE TURNS AROUND AND SEES THE THREE OF THEM SOAKING WET. SHE LAUGHS, TAKES A BOX OF TISSUES AND HANDS IT TO SHIRLEY.

Laverne (CONT’D): What happened to you guys?

Shirley: Both our parties were a disaster. I don’t know what’s wrong with kids these days. In my day, clowns were our heores.

Laverne: What are you talkn’ about? You were afraid of ‘em.

Shirley: Yes and you love to bring that up, don’t you? And what are you doing here so early?

Laverne: I told Pop about it and he let me go.

Shirley: He had no problems with you being a clown?

Laverne: Clown, teaching blind kids to read in braille... basically the same thing.

LAVERNE TAKES A TISSUE AND DRIES UP LENNY’S FACE.

Laverne: You poor thing...

Squiggy: I guess you girls are gonna be sad ‘cause our clown business is over huh?

Shirley/Laverne: No/A little...

Lenny: Actually, we gotta confession to make.

Squiggy: Yeah...

Lenny: See, Squig and I kinda made up the whole thing. We never had no business.

Shirley:(TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY) I am up to here with your jokes. I’ve put up with a lot over the years, but I’ve had it. You didn’t have enough laughs with calling us all those stupid names. No, you to wanted me and Laverne to put on this ridiculous clothes and embarrass ourselves just so you could get a few laughs, huh?

Lenny: No, you got it all wrong. We just wanted you to work in something that was easy. It’s hard to find good jobs out there. So me and Squig talked about it and we made up a business so you girls could work for us and then we could give you money and it wouldn’t be charity.

Squiggy: We figured you’d accept the money ‘cause you earned it.

Laverne: And you two came up with "clown business"? Couldn’t you think up something else?

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOKM HURT. THE GIRLS LOOK AT THEIR SAD FACES. LAVERNE PULLS SHIRLEY ASIDE. THEY ARGUE.

Shirley: (SOTTO) Why do I always get Squiggy?

THE GIRLS APPROACH THEM. LAVERNE KISSES LENNY AND SHIRLEY GIVES A QUICK KISS TO SQUIGGY. LAVERNE AND LENNY KEEP KISSING. SHIRLEY CLEARS HER THROAT AND THEY STOP.

Shirley: Laverne focus here.

LAVERNE AND LENNY SMILE, EMBARRASSED.

Shirley (CONT’D): Guys, if Laverne and I needed your help we would’ve asked you.

Laverne: Yeah, I mean we appreciate you tryin’ to help out and all, but it’s our problem not yours.

Lenny: Yes it is. We’re pals and pals help each other out, don’t they?

Shirley: Fine, if you want to help, you can help us find a new job.

Squiggy: Hey, you know what gotten really popular?

FLIP TO:

NEXT SATURDAY.

THE GIRLS, NOT QUITE HAPPY, ARE ON THEIR KNEES WASHING A ST. BERNARD. HE JUMPS OUT OF THE TUB AND THE GIRLS RUN AFTER HIM.

THE GIRLS ARE EATING SPAGUETTI AND BREAD STICKS.

Laverne: You know, Shirl. Working at a dog parlor ain’t so bad. I mean, sure we got all wet with soapy water and drool. That little terrier bit me and al, but I don’t know I kinda liked it.

Shirley: Why do I always have to kiss Squiggy?

Laverne: Huh? Um.. Shirl this spaguetti is really good. Finally, no more soup...

Shirley: I asked you a question. Not that Lenny is cute or anything, but it seems I always get Squiggy by default and I wanna know why.

Laverne: Oh, and these breadsticks...

Shirley: Why, Laverne? Is Lenny a good kisser ‘cause Squiggy certainly isn’t. (PAUSE)I’m not so sure Lenny is either. I saw you two and if I’m not mistaken, I think he used his tongue... his tongue, Laverne!

Laverne: (STARING OFF) Yeah...

LAVERNE ‘WAKES UP’ AND RISES.

Laverne: I... uh... I’m gonna take a nap.

Shirley: No you are not... you have answered my question!

SHIRLEY FOLLOWS LAVERNE TO THE ROOM AND BOTH ARGUE AS WE: