1
Girls' apartment, day
Shirley sat the kitchen writing a letter. Laverne finally arrived with the groceries and as she put the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, her curiosity surfaced.
"Whatcha doing?" she asked as innocently as she could, hoping Shirley would not hide her the mysterious content of the letter.
"I'm writing my mother a "Happy Mother's Day" letter.
"Mother's Day?" asked Laverne as she pulled out a chair and sat beside Shirl, leaning toward her friend as smoothly as possible to get a glimpse at the flowery piece of paper. "But isn't Mother's Day in two weeks?"
"Yeah."
"Why are you writing to her so early then?"
"You see my dear and nosy Laverne, if I write mom this early she'll write back asking why I wrote so early. Then I'll reply to her that nothing is the matter. Then she'll write asking me to tell her if something bothering me. By the time it is Mother's Day we may have written back and fourth probably ten times."
"Oh, that's sweet of you, Shirl. Wanting to keep in touch with your mother..."
"Each letter she writes always comes along with a five dollar bill enclosed. Ten if I make up that I may have found 'the man who will give her many grandchildren.' "
"Figures. But Shirl what if she doesn't write and calls you on the phone instead?"
"Shut up, Laverne"
"Okay"
Suddenly, someone knocked at the door. It was Miss Babbish. Laverne let her in only to see Miss Babish wasn't alone. She brought along Miss Pitrow (PETE-row), an old lady that had just moved in. Miss Babish kindly asked the girls if they could take care of Miss Pitrow for a little while. The old lady had traveled from a great distance and she felt lonely. Miss Babish knew the girls would take care of Pitrow, even if they both didn't seem very happy with the task. Laverne and Shirley had now choice but to do the favor.
"Laverne look at poor little Miss Pitrow. She looks so sad." whispered Shirley as she and her friend peeked at the old lady from the kitchen.
"She's an old lady," said Laverne as she sipped some milk and Pepsi. " What else is she supposed to be like? Ha! She reminds me of Lenny when that iguana of his, Jeffrey, lost half of it's tail."
"It wasn't my fault it's tail got caught on the door. Besides, I thought it was a rat. He shouldn't let that disgusting thing just lying around anyway..."
"Look at her, Shirl. That woman coul die on us you know."
"Don't say that, Laverne. She can hear you."
They glanced back at Pitrow. She listened to every word they said.
"We gotta do something Shirl," said Laverne wiping the milk from her upper lip with her hand. "I mean can there exist somebody as mentally disturbed as her???"
"Hello!"
2
The girls each let out a grunt of disgust as their two weird neighbors, Lenny and Squiggy, walked in.
Both men didn't seem to notice Miss Pitrow, who was still in the same dull position. Squiggy was the first to approach the girls while Lenny stayed behind. Squig walked toward the girls with great confidence; he was up to something. The girls could read him like an open book... for pre-schoolers.
"What do you want Squiggy?" said Shirley, her arms crossed and her eyes fixed at him with anger.
"Now, now, Shirley," began Squiggy, stepping dangerously closer (for him) to Shirley. "Lenny and I just came here to help you girls out."
"Help us out? What for? We don't need no help," snapped Laverne.
"Squiggy, will you and Lenny get out of here. Laverne and I are busy right now," said Shirley, trying to be as patient as her yearning to punch him let her.
"Oh, yeah? Well don't come running to Lenny and me when you discover the "thing" in your car," he said as he began his way out. Laverne and Shirley looked at each other, eyes wide open, and quickly hurried and stood in front of Squiggy, blocking his path.
"What thing?" asked Shirley.
"You girls gotta rat inside your car. You shouldn't let that piece of junk with the top open."
The girls shrieked in terror; each grabbed one of Squiggy's arms and dragged him with them out the door and out the building.
Lenny stood there staring at the old lady. He didn't know who she was, but he was too shy to ask. Besides, she didn't seem like the kind of person who was in the mood for talking.
Miss Pitrow looked up at him and, to his (and our) surprise, she smiled. He smiled back feeling relieved. He found the courage to sit beside her.
"I'm Leonard. Long for 'Lenny' "
"I'm Agnes. Agnes Pitrow. I just moved in this apartment building. Do you live here?"
"Yeah, I do. With my friend, Squig. The little guy with the ugly face that just left here."
"Oh, dear! Lenny, you shouldn't say that about your friend."
"Don't worry, he doesn't mind! I call him "little" every now and then."
Lenny and Miss Pitrow spoke only for a few minutes and Miss Pitrow thought it would be a great idea to invite her new friend to a game of Bingo in her apartment. Laverne and Shirley were nice girls, she thought, but they were just "too dull".
"Lenny, how about you and I go to my apartment and play---"
"Miss Pitrow!" he interrupted. He felt outraged... yet flattered. "It's been nice talkin' to ya and everything, but I barely know you!"
"What are you talking about, my dear boy! Wouldn't you like to play a game of Bingo?"
"Oh." He was as red as a tomato. "Bingo! Yeah, I knew that. I was just talking about...um... Hey, could you make the winning prize for each game a cookie 'cause I'm hungry."
"Oh, you won't be disappointed, honey. I wont five consecutive baking contests back in my home town!"
"I don't want bacon. I want cookies!"
3
Miss Pitrow's apartment.
Lenny and Miss Pitrow had been playing for several minutes and it was evident Lenny had won most of the games---his side of the table was filled with piles of chocolate chip cookies while Miss Pitrow's side had only one cookie (which was half eaten... by Lenny).
Miss Pitrow had been kind enough to stand being beaten at her favorite game, but she just had enough.
"Why don't we just talk, Len?"
"No, I wanna keep playing." he said in a childish manner.
"Miss Pitrow!!!
Lenny recognized Shirley's deafening shriek.
The door was opened and Laverne and Shirley came running in, trying to catch their breath.
"There you are!" cried Laverne.
Both girls approached Lenny and began slapping him on the head. He covered himself until the girls stopped.
"Lenny who told you you could let Miss Pitrow out of the apartment. We were worried sick about her! We looked in all our apartment, in you apartment and out in the street! We thought she had gone out and gotten lost..." said Shirley.
"...or that you had been kidnappped by aliens. " added Laverne.
"Girl's I am fine. I invited Lenny to play Bingo with me." Miss Pitrow was obviously upset about the girls attitude.
"But Miss Babish told us..." said Shirley.
"I am a grown woman. I am not a child. Now if you girls would excuse me, I'd like to be with Lenny alone. And if you girls didn't guess that I was in my apartment well, you are just plain stupid!"
"But---"
Laverne gestured Shirley to be quiet. If Miss Pitrow wanted to be alone with Lenny fine... but Laverne wasn't gonna leave until she gave Miss Pitrow ("with all due respect") a DeFazio you-won't-even-get-a-chance-for-a-comeback insult.
"With all due respect, Miss Pitrow, I have never seen anyone as mean and detestable as you! "
"Hello!"
"And you!" snarled Shirley, grabbing Squiggy by his jacket's collar and shaking him. " You make Laverne and I run like crazy thinking there was a rat in our car! How could you possibly mistake Lenny's stuffed iguana for a rat!"
"But Shirl, didn't you say earlier that you'd mistaken---" began Laverne.
"Not now Laverne," said Shirley, letting go of Squiggy.
"That's the last time a try to be friendly and 'sensitible'," said Squiggy to Shirley as he exited the apartment.
"Sensi--- what? Was that an insult? I can give him a free knuckle sandwich right now, Shirl," said Laverne, holding her clenched fist.
"Now, take it is easy, Laverne. Let's just get out of here."
4
Laverne and Shirley's apartment, later that day.
Laverne was alone in her apartment. Shirley had gone off to a date with Carmine and she had become bored and uneasy. Not even a glass of milk and Pepsi could cheer her up. She didn't know why she felt that way. She was a strong woman, an insult from an old lady couldn't possibly upset her. Just the thought of Miss Pitrow calling her stupid made her want to go up to her apartment and say a thing or two... even if her Pop had taught her since she was a little girl to respect her elders.
How could Lenny still be up there talking to that woman? She was mean an inconsiderate. Not to mention he was supposed to watch a ball game with her on television. Besides Laverne knew she was a much better company for Lenny than that woman; he could never have as much fun with that her as he could with Vernie DeFazio.
Wait a minute. What was she thinking? Since when did she care about Lenny not showing up? Or about him being with someone else and not with her?
Laverne shook her head trying get out those weird thoughts of her head.
The door opened and Lenny entered and sat beside Laverne.
"So you finally decided to come down here, eh? Was Miss Pitrow out of cookies?"
"Come on, Laverne---"
"It's the fifth inning already! You missed half the game!"
"I know that, Laverne. I was talking with Miss Pitrow. Did you know she was an ice skating champ back in her day? She got disqualified one time though; she jumped and her ankles showed from underneath her skirt. And her real name ain't Pitrow. That's a nick name the guys at the races gave her when she used to... um... bake cookies to them. Get it? Pit row? Vroooom!"
"I don't care about that Lenny! You promised me you'd come and watch this game with me and you didn't. Friends are supposed to keep their word."
"But I am your friend Laverne."
"Doesn't seem like it no more."
"You know what your problem is, Laverne? You are jealous!"
"Jealous??? Me? Ha, ha, ha!"
"Don't pretend that you ain't jealous, Laverne. You hate the fact that I ate cookies that Miss Pitrow baked and are afraid I won't eat the ones that you are baking for me right now."
"I ain't baking nothing."
"Then why I smell cheap butter and burnt flour?"
"Laverne you like my new perfume?" said Shirley as she came out of her room. She had carried a bottle of perfume and sprayed it all around her self. "Wait until Carmine smells this!" And out the door she was.
"Why are you angry at me, Laverne? I don't like it when you're mad at me."
"I just can't believe you are friends with that Pitrow woman. You very well know how mean she was to Shirley and me. Real friends don't hang around people who treat their friends badly."
"Are you saying I'm not your friend no more???"
Laverne looked straight at the TV.
"Laverne?"
Not a word came out of her.
"Fine, then. I ain't your friend no more."
"You got that right."
5
Two weeks later-Mother's Day
Shirley was on the phone.
"Yes mom, I love you. No I still haven't found the man who will give you many grandchildren. Happy Mother's Day again. Okay, bye." And she hung up.
Laverne sat on the couch watching yet another ball game.
"Can you believe my mother, Laverne? Two weeks I spent waiting for her to answer back my letter and send some cash and now she calls me asking why I wrote her a Mother's Day letter so early." She paused for a moment. "How am I going to pay for the necklace I bought her?"
Laverne just sat silent. Shirley had noticed Laverne was behaving strangely. For two whole weeks she didn't see her drink Milk and Pepsi or go on a date. She sat beside her friend hoping to get some info.
"Vernie, you okay?"
"Yeah."
Somehow she didn't sound very convincing.
"Listen, I know it's hard to celebrate Mother's Day without your mom. We can go back to the cemetery again if you need to."
Then a short moment of silence until finally Laverne spoke.
"If it hadn't been for Len I would have never gotten the courage to go visit her in the first place. Remember?"
'What does Lenny have to do with anything?' Shirley thought. 'Oh, so that's why she's depressed! They are still mad at each other! Why am I so happy? That's terrible! I wonder if Laverne notices I am to busy listening to my thoughts.'
"What's the matter, Shirl? Too busy listening to your thoughts."
"Laverne you have to go right now and talk to Lenny."
"Why do I have to go to him? He can come here too."
"Laverne, he tried that once. He even offered to give you his stuffed iguana and you threatened to cut Jeffrey in half. Look, good friends settle their quarrels by having honest communication with each other."
"He ain't my friend. He is Miss Pitrow's friend."
"She was his friend. Miss Babish told me Miss Pitrow reconciled with her daughter and moved back with her in Seattle yesterday."
"She came here all the way from Seattle? Boy they must have had one huge fight!"
"Go talk to him Laverne. If one of you two is really miserable is must be him. How would you feel if - if Squiggy suddenly moved out to the other side of the country?"
Laverne smiled devilishly.
"Oh, come on Laverne. Even I would feel a little sad. Just think about it for a while, Laverne."
6
Lenny and Squiggy's apartment.
Laverne hesitated for a moment and finally decided to enter. Lenny leaned against the window talking to Squiggy who was down inside the garbage dump.
"Keep looking, Squiggy."
"I don't see anything, Len. I'm gonna get outta here!"
"No you are not! You threw it out the window, you look for it in the trash."
Laverne got the courage to speak to him. "What's he looking for?"
Lenny didn't look back. "For my clean shirt, fresh from the mayonnaise jar. Gotta wear it tonight. I'm going to try and talk to Laverne again," He then realized the voice that just spoke to him was familiar. He looked back and saw her.
They smiled at each other. It was obvious their anger at each other was long gone.
"Are you okay, Len? I heard that Miss Pitrow had moved back with her daughter."
"Um.. yeah. I'm okay. I guess she really was a mean person. She didn't leave a note or nothin'."
"She wasn't mean, Len. I just said she was mean because I was angry at her. I felt like she'd stolen you from me. It's stupid, I know..."
He took out of his pocket a tiny box and gave it to Laverne.
"What's this?" she asked as she opened it. Inside was a bracelet. "Oh, it's beautiful."
"It was supposed to be Miss Pitrow's Mother's day gift, I thought I'd finally found a mom you know... Um you can have it... even though I ain't your friend and everything.
"Now stop right there. You are my friend"
"You said we weren't friends no more."
"Oh, so what if I said that. I also said that I would be a millionaire by the time I reached twenty. People say stupid things, especially when they are angry."
"Really?"
"Yeah!" she said and she went over and gave him a big hug. To her surprise she heard him sob. "You okay?" she asked without letting go.
"How come I can't have a mom? It's sucks to be alone."
"Oh, Len, don’t cry… Look, you ain't alone. You got Shirley and Squiggy and me and I've been thinking for a while now and well...like it or not, from now on, you got us."
Before he could react she kissed him.
"Do you like 'us' , Len?
"Can I have another 'us'?"She kissed him again."I think I'm liking this 'us' business."
"Me too. Len, I always knew there was something missing in my life, but I never knew what it was. When I stopped speaking to you it was like half of me was gone." She paused for a moment and thought: 'What am I saying? This is the same guy that used to eat goat food! At least I hope he doesn't anymore. Ughh. Hey! It must really be love then!' then said :"Thanks for the bracelet."
"It has diamonds imported all the way from zirconia."
"This is perfect, Len. Nothing can ruin this moment." said Laverne and kissed him again.
"Hey, Len I found it!" cried Squiggy. Suddenly, flying through the window came a shirt, fresh from the trash and landed on their heads.
THE END.
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