Laverne and Shirley
"K-S-M: Kiss me"

It was early-morning hours. Laverne and Shirley were fast asleep. The latter hugging boo boo kitty tightly and murmuring "Yes Fabian, I'll marry you...." Meanwhile Laverne laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She felt hot and her head hurt. She had a bad case of the flu and could barely breath-- her nostrils were obstructed unpleasant greenish bodily fluid. She had to catch some sleep. Only two more hours until waking up time...

The two hours passed, too quickly, and it was time to go to work. Shirley rose from the bed and stretched, letting out a squeaky cry of satisfaction; she had slept like a baby. She turned to Laverne who was sleeping with her mouth wide open, trying to catch a breath.

"Laverne wake, up," said Shirley with her usual motherly tone. Laverne mumbled a complaint intelligibly and went on sleeping. "Laverne, get out of bed. I don't wanna be late for work!" Laverne ignored her. She wasn't going to wake up after she finally found the drowsiness she'd been longing for all night. But her friend wasn't going to give up so easily. She was going to wake up Laverne no matter what... even if she had to sacrifice a few minutes of her morning grooming. She approached Laverne and, grabbing both her feet, pulled as hard as she could. Laverne slowly withdrew, but was too heavy for Shirley to pull out. THUMP! Shirley fell on her butt and was left only holding Laverne's smelly socks on her hands. She was sickened by their odor and then looked at Laverne. DeFazio snored... loudly. Shirley was beginning to lose patience. Only one thing left to do... lie.

""Oh, Fonzie, what a pleasant surprise! Laverne, Fonzie wants to speak to you." she cried, overenthusiastic, to the thin air. She was silent, laughing devilishly inside, waiting to see Laverne running like crazy to say hi to the Fonz.

"Tell Fonzie to come back later, Shirl."

Come back later? whispered Shirley to herself. Something must be really wrong with Laverne.

She ran to her friend and shook her fiercely, too melodramatically as if Laverne had died from a terrible decease.

"Oh, Lord, why? Why Laverne? Take me! Take me!!!"

Laverne found the strength to lift her arm and cover Shirley's mouth to silence her.

"I'm trying to sleep here, Shirl," she said, spending the little energy she had left on her system.

Shirley took Laverne's hand of her face, angrily and stepped away from the bed, walking like a drill sergeant on a troop's first day.

"Fine. Don't go to work. I , unlike you, am responsible. Remember that day when we were bowling and the bowling ball slipped from your hand and it fell right on my foot? The next day I went to work WITH my ankle swollen. Swollen Laverne! It hurt... it hurt and I stood capping bottles all day..." she started to weep and spoke with a squeaky voice as she usually did whenever she was upset. "Oh, my poor little itty-bitty ankle looked so black and blue and ugly... and Lenny and Squiggy made fun of me all day... and what did you do? You flirted with some guys!" Laverne snored. "Laverne, are you listening?" Shirley finally gave up and let Laverne stay. She soon got all dressed up for work and was ready to go.


Miss Babish had volunteered to take care of Laverne while Shirley was at Shotz.

"Thanks Miss Babish, for helping me out. It's just that Laverne didn't want to see a doctor and I wanted someone to be here in case she got worse or anything. I'm sure it's just a cold, but I just feel it's strange. She must be upset about something."

"I know," said Miss Babish. "She rarely gets sick."

Shirley regained the drill sergeant attitude once more." True. But how many times have I told her to stay away from cold places right after she takes off her coat? Thousands of times! But nooooo; she never listens to me. She just listens to her dates. All of them greasy no-good men!"


Shirley wish she hadn't heard that familiar and irritating voice. The only strange thing was that Squiggy didn't open the door. "I, uh, need a little help here." he said.

That's odd, she thought. She hurried to the door and opened it. She was surprised and worried as she saw Squiggy enter. He could barely walk; he was dragging Lenny. He took him inside. Lenny was awakened, but colorless.

Shirley ran to assist Squiggy. "What's wrong with Lenny?"

"It was weird. I was about to say "Hello!" when we overheard you sayin' Laverne were sick. Lenny here flopped. It must be a plague or somethin'."

"Put him on the couch, Squiggy." said Miss Babish. After a few minutes of intense debating, Shirley reluctantly agreed that Lenny could stay.

Soon she and Squiggy were gone. And Miss Babish sat on the floor, eating the last oreos and drinking milk while watching television as Lenny laid on the couch sleeping. He opened one eye and quickly shut it.

"Miss Babish?" he called faintly. He tried to speak, but he could barely pronounce the words. "I wansum-o-duhduh....orehduh..."

"O-duhduh? O-duhduh...oreos? You want some oreos?" she asked. Lenny nodded. "But I just ate them all!"

Lenny gave her an overemotional "Awww" she couldn't resist. Miss Babish hesitated on leaving Laverne alone, but she had to go to the store and get the poor guy some oreos. She grabbed her purse and swiftly walked out the door.

When, he heard the door being shut, Lenny quickly rose from the couch, big grin on his face. Yuk, yuk, yuk. He skipped to the girls' room, giddy as a school girl. He went over to Laverne and pat on her shoulder, lightly at first then harder because she didn't wake up.

"Hey, Laverne, wake up!" he yelled at her ear.

Laverne opened her eyes and screamed, terrified at the sight of Len. "AHHH! Lenny, ya tryin' to scare me to death? Get out, I'm tryin' to sleep here. Out!"

"You throwin' me out now? Don't you wanna talk about, what happenedat the party. It's been two days, you know...."

"Shhhh! Miss babish could hear ya!"

"Oh, she isn't here. I sent here to buy some oreos."

"And she went?" she asked. He nodded. "On her own will? Why would she do a thing like that?"

"I told everyone I was sick. I needed to talk to you know: the incident."

Laverne found a bit of strength and sat straight. Lenny sat beside her.

"Yeah...yeah I know...'the incident'." She obviously didn't want to talk about 'the incident'.

~*~Ladies and Gentlemen: The Incident~*~

Two days earlier Laverne had accepted to go with Lenny to his cousin Lolo's 20th birthday. It was held on Lolo's living room. At first, Laverne had no fun. She sat in the corner trying desperately not to socialize with anyone. She already knew a Kosnowski and she had no intention in having to deal with any other one. Still, after a while, her behind felt numb from sitting there for such a long time. She decided to go to the punch bowl and serve herself a nice cup. What she didn't know is that Lolo had poured and entire bottle of a rare alcoholic drink called "The Kosnowski Skirt Magnet". It supposedly made women fall in love with the man they liked the most n the room. Lolo was a favorite among women so he always got plenty of girls who were under the influence of KSM (pronounced "kiss me"; don't look at me, that's how Kosnowskis pronounce it) He wasn't a sweet guy like Lenny, thought of women as mere objects.

Laverne found the punch tasted a bit tangy, but thought that was perhaps because she didn't like fruit punch a lot. (It was only water and red food coloring plus the KSM; Lolo was on a budget.) She started feeling a little light-headed after the first couple of sips. She kept repeating to herself that it was the most delicious fruit punch she'd ever tasted in her life. She definitely had to have more and she did. She suddenly wanted to have fun, to dance. She laughed for no reason. Even some sort of green mold that was on the wooden floor was funny to her. She snickered, louder each time; and, bumping against the people who were dancing, she finally found a seat. It was right beside Lenny's. He had been also sitting there waiting for the limbo dancing to begin. He had been practicing for weeks; he had to win the limbo contest; "The Prize" had to be his.

The KSM began taking its effect. Laverne found Lenny incredibly irresistible. She didn't know what to do; she wasn't like herself at all so she found herself feeling extremely shy, especially around him. She slowly lowered her head until it rested on Lenny's shoulder. He was about to shove whoever was bothering him, but immediately came to a halt when he realized it was Laverne. She looked up at him and smiled meekly.

"Hi, Len..." she said twirling her fingers on her skirt. Before he could answer she put her arms around him and kissed him. Normally he would've been nervous and would've started to stutter and jump up and down, but he found the kiss disappointing.

"Laverne, you've been drinking?"

"Yeah. A little punch why?"

"A little punch???" Lenny knew all about the KSM. He wanted to tell Laverne, but she kept throwing herself at him.

"Oh, Lenny, I love you so!" "Kiss me , Len!" "Lenny I've always been attracted to you!" was all he heard. She kept holding him tight and he kept pushing her away. He had to take her home. He wouldn't get to limbo and have a try at winning "The Prize", but Laverne wasn't in good shape.

"Come on, Laverne" he insisted. "It's time to go home."

"No, Len," she protested. "I'm having fun. Besides I wanna be here with you...alone."

"Laverne, you're drunk." He was disappointed.

"I am not!" said Laverne, indignant. "I know when I'm drunk and I'm not drunk." Then, laughing. 'Drunk' is such a funny word. Ha, ha. Drunk, drunk, drunk. Sounds like a ball bouncing down the stairs. Ha, ha. Drunk, drunk, drunk"

Lenny put out his hand and lifted three of his fingers. "How many fingers do you see, Laverne?"

Laverne laughed out loud. "Lenny, I'm acting a little itty-bitty weird I admit it, I ain't been hit on the head with no bat, you know?"

"How many fingers, Laverne?" he insisted.

"Well, how can I guess how many fingers when you ain't even put out your hand yet?"

"That's it, Laverne. Come on now," he said. He stood up and, holding her hand, he began pulling her closer to the exit. She paused, released her hand and began walking back to the party, searching for the punch bowl. Lenny quickly caught her; he began taking her once more toward the exit door. Suddenly tropical music was heard. It was time to limbo. He hesitated, one step away from the exit. Should he leave or stay five more minutes and compete for "The Prize"?

The music became louder. "Laverne?" he called out. Laverne couldn't hear him well. The people were cheering; they were ready to limbo. Lenny's friends called for him and asked to dance with them. It was a tradition in Lolo's birthdays. Lenny thought for about two seconds and after his brain stopped hurting, he decided to tell Laverne he'd stay for a few minutes while limboed and then they would leave.

"LAVERNE!" he said, just a little above the noise.

"WHAT?" shouted Laverne, holding his hand.

"I'm gonna limbo."


"I said: "I'M GONNA LIMBO"

The music was too loud; Lenny's friends where still calling for him. Laverne felt rage come rushing down her veins. Her eyes opened wide and she clenched her teeth.

"Who are you calling a bimbo, you stupid moron?!?!?!" she lashed out as she slapped him right in the face.

"I said 'LIMBO' not 'BIMBO"!" he said rubbing his cheek.

"You callin' me a bimbo AGAIN???" Laverne saw that there were a few buckets of water piled on a side. She didn't care to think WHY there were buckets of water just lying on a living room. She got a hold of one and SPLASH! Lenny was soaking wet.

People cheered. They all grabbed buckets of water and the precious liquid was splashing everywhere until there wasn't a single dry person on the room, including Laverne.

Laverne stormed out of the room and Lenny quickly went after her.

Back Where We Left

"Yeah...yeah I know...'the incident'." She obviously didn't want to talk about 'the incident'. Her memory about it was a little blurry. All she remembered was that Lenny had been mean to her and that all she enjoyed was that tangy fruit punch.

"I wasn't mean to you Laverne. You were the one who was mean. You hit me."

"I hit you?" She didn't remember, but she thought if she had hit him, then it was perfectly okay. "I mean, yeah, I hit you, so what? I hit you because you deserved it! You called me a bimbo! Nobody calls Laverne DeFazio a bimbo and gets away with it."

"I didn't call you a bimbo. I said I wanted to limbo. I had been practicing to win "The Prize", remember? The music was too loud and you misunderstood me." Then, holding her hand: "I would never say anything like that to you Laverne. Ever."

Laverne apologized for hitting him and calling him names. She knew he was very sensitive. Then, she let go of his hand and covered her nose and mouth. "A-CHOO!" She grabbed a tissue she kept under her pillow and blew her nose. He thought she looked really pretty and sighed.

Laverne looked at him. "What?"

"Oh, nothing ," he said as he went back to reality. "I just came here to apologize for my cousin Lolo. See, whenever he has a party at his apartment he likes to pour KSM in the punch bowl."

"'Kiss me'?"

"Yeah, 'Kiss me' : K -S - M. What?"

"Never mind." said Laverne rolling her eyes heavenwardly.

He contunued. "KSM gets girls, you know, a bit tipsy and makes them do things they wouldn't do sober ...if you know what I mean."

"You would've made me have... have..."

He nodded.

"With any guy???" she asked alarmed.

"It's supposed to work with a guy you really like. You were hugging me and you kissed me and everything..." Then in a low voice and looking down. "I suppose you flirted with me only because I was the only one there who you actually knew not because you like me or anything."

Laverne felt sorry for him. She didn't remember flirting with him, but it would be just mean to tell him he was... a little right.

"Lenny, I think your cute."

"Yeah, right." he scoffed.

"I mean it." And getting a bit closer she said. "Between you and me, I would've never flirted with Squiggy."

He was blushed and smiled.

Laverne remembered she made everyone splash water against themselves at the party and apologized.

"Don't apologize. People are supposed to splash water at themselves in Lolo's birthday party. They're supposed to do it until the water reaches just below the knees."

"Why would they do a thing like that?" She was already sorry she asked.

"What do you mean 'why'? Then how will the fish swim around the living room? Geez, it's so obvious..." He shook his head. " Anyway, I'll get a shot at winning "The Prize" next year. But only if you come with me, if not it isn'r worth winning it."

"That's sweet, Len. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, what is this "prize" you've been talking about?"

He didn't want to tell her. He said good-bye and started his way out the bed room.

"Wait! Don't go," she pleaded. He paused and she slowly approached him. She felt too weak and literally dragged her feet. "Why don't you want to tell me?"

"It's stupid. You'll hit me again."

"No, I won't. I promise."

"Cross your heart, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye?"


"Well, the prize is... the prize is... that you sorta get locked in the closet for five minutes with the girl you went to the party with." He covered his face with both arms, trying to avoid the slap he knew he was sure it would come. It didn't. Laverne just stood there, confused. "Aren't you gonna hit me because I tricked you into coming to the party with me?"

"I admit I am a bit upset about that, Len, but I don't understand this. If you wanted to get to make out with me so badly, why didn't you take advantage of me when I was throwing myself at you? Keeping in mind: I wouldn't have approved it..."

"Take advantage of you? You think I would do a thing like that? Some friend you are!"

"Okay, okay I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." After a short pause: "You know what? I don't even know why I am apologizing to you. I've been apologizing to you ever since you came here. You should be apologizing to me. You invite to a party were people pour drinks in the punch that would've made me do God knows what with God knows who, your only purpose being to get a chance to make out with me! Not to mention I had to get home freezing because I was soaking wet WHICH made me catch a cold! AND instead of resting, I am here talking to you because YOU woke me up!"

"Laverne, I---"

"What was the name of that drink again?"

" 'Kiss me' K-S---"

"Okay if you say so..." Laverne put her arms around him and interrupted him with a big wet kiss on the lips.

"What was that for?"

"Nothin'. Now get outta here."

He was still in shock, but happy. He walked out the room and to the front door. Before he could get a hold of the door knob, the door was opened. It was Miss Babish arriving with the oreos.

"Lenny, where are you going? I thought you were sick."

He didn't even look at her. He daydreamed about Laverne all the way to his apartment.

Miss. Babish went to the girls' room to check on Laverne who had already jumped into the bed.

"Hi, Miss Babish,"

"Hi, Laverne. How are you feeling."

"So and so."

"Listen, I thought Lenny was sick. He just walked out of here seeming completely healthy."

Laverne smiled fiendishly. "Oh, I'm not so sure he is healthy at all."

"What do you mean?"

Then, ACHOOO!!!! Lenny was heard sneezing.

"He should know he shouldn't kiss a girl when she's got a cold." Laverne turned around and happily went to sleep, leaving Miss Babish confused.

The End

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