By Squeaky
12/21/07
E-mail: squeaky@knapp-street.org,
badwickedzoot@yahoo.com
Category: Romance
Rating: PG
Parts: 1/1
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement
intended.
Pairing: LDF/LK
Author’s Notes: It has been years since
I wrote a Laverne and Shirley story! It’s written in a very short semi-script
format (a sort of would-be mini episode) because it’s the only way I could
extract this idea from my head.
Summary: Laverne’s date dumps her. Will
Lenny get his Christmas wish?
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ACT I SCENE A
INT – LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT. -
DAY 1
Everything is full of Christmas
decoration boxes. Shirley sings carols, moves and opens boxes, hangs some ornaments,
etc. Carmine is standing on steps. He is having difficulty hanging a set of
lights.
Shirley
(singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way…
Carmine
Shirl, can you help---
Shirley
(singing) Jingle bells, la la la, hmm
hmm lalala…
Carmine
Shirley… Shirl…
Shirley
Oh what fun laladeeda in a hmm hmm---
Carmine
SHIRL!
Startled, Shirley drops the box of
decorations on the floor.
Shirley
…open sl…AAAAHHH!
Carmine
Are you okay?
Shirley
I’m fine, I just have to finish up---
(notices something on the floor) My Boo Boo Santa!
She picks up a tacky ceramic Santa
Claus. It’s broken in two pieces.
Shirley (cont’d)
I killed Boo Boo Santa. Laverne gave
this to me in fourth grade!
Carmine
She gave you that ugly---? (Shirley
gives him a look) It’s beautiful. It’s a tragedy! Now can you stop with the
boxes and help me hang up these lights?
Shirley
You’re right. (She goes over and
holds a string of lights for him.) We need to have the lights ready now if we want
the apartment ready for tonight. Oh, Carmine this is the first Christmas party
I’m planning on my own and I want it to be just perfect.
Carmine
That’s what I don’t understand. Why
are you doing this by yourself? Why can’t Laverne help you?
Shirley
She’s been busy all week getting
ready for tonight. She happens to have none other than… the Miles Noretti!
Carmine clearly has no idea who he
is.
Carmine
Who?
Shirley
Miles Noretti of Noretti, Noretti and
Muns! Haven’t you seen his ads on the paper? ‘Injured in a car accident?
Divorcing? Neighbor built a fence too close to your chicken coop? Call Noretti,
Noretti and Muns today’?
Carmine
Yeah, yeah! I remember now. She’s
dating that clown?
Shirley
He is not a clown. He happens to be a
top lawyer and he is crazy about Laverne.
Carmine
If you say so. (He hangs the last of
the lights) There. (He connects the lights. Three lights turn on, the rest are
off.) Ta-daaa!
Shirley
(smiling, through her teeth) Carmine
did you check the lights before you put them?
Carmine
Why should I? They worked okay three
years ago when I last used them!
Shirley
Carmine this is wrong, wrong, wrong!
You have to take them off. I have a turkey in the oven, a casserole to prepare,
decorations to hang! You’re supposed to help me! You are not helping me!
Carmine
Shirl, Shirl, relax. (grabs a paper bag from the counter) Breathe
into the bag!
Shirley is hyperventilating. She
grabs the bag and breathes into it. She calms down and takes off the bags. Her
nose and mouth are cover in red glitter, remnants of few glittery ornaments
that were in the bag before.
Shirley
I feel better. Just leave the lights
and I’ll finish putting up the garlands. I just hope nothing else goes wrong.
Carmine
I—uh… I think I should go and get
changed for the party.
Shirley
Yes, good idea.
She closes her eyes and puckers up.
Carmine tries to find a spot without glitter to kiss and finds none. He gives
her a friendly punch on the shoulder.
Carmine
See ya in a few!
He exits. Shirley, confused,
continues to decorate.
ACT I SCENE B
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT. –
NIGHT 1
Later that evening the house is fully
decorated. Shirley is in her Christmas party dress (her face now glitter-free) running to and fro
making the final preparations. There are three gifts on the counter for the
gift exchange.
Carmine --- the only guest so far--- is almost
asleep from boredom on the couch.
Carmine
Shirl, could you stay still for a
while? You’ve been at it all day. There’s no more room for garlands or snowmen
or reindeer!
Shirley
There is always room for reindeer!
Laverne enters from the bedroom. She
looks radiant in her party dress.
Laverne
Shirl, where’s the hair brush?
Shirley
It’s in the bathroom.
Laverne exits.
Shirley
Carmine I have to have everything
ready for when the guests arrive.
Carmine
Guests? You mean Mr. DeFazio and Mrs.
Babish?
Laverne enters.
Laverne
Shirl, where’s the pearl necklace?
Shirley
Top drawer to the right.
Laverne exits.
Shirley
Yes, Carmine. They should be arriving
anytime soon.
Carmine
So it’s the two of them and this
Noretti guy. Anyone else coming?
Shirley shakes her head, dejected.
Carmine
All this preparation for six people?
Shirley nods, still looking down.
Laverne enters.
Laverne
Shirl, where are my shoes?
Shirley
(points) They’re on your feet,
Laverne.
Laverne
Oh, then I guess I’m ready.
Shirley goes up to Laverne and gives
her a big hug.
Shirley
Oh, I’m so happy for you. Tonight you
have a date with the man of your dreams! And don’t worry everything will be
perfect!
Laverne
You still got some glitter on your
nose.
Shirley scrubs it quickly.
Laverne (cont’d)
Gotcha!
Shirley
That is not funny! I had to use the
scratchy sponge.
Laverne
Not the scratchy sponge!
Carmine
You should’ve seen her. Looked like
Rudolph.
Shirley
Carmine!
Carmine
Kidding, kidding! (goes up to her)
You’re beautiful. (gives her a kiss on the cheek) Too bad you did all this only
for six people.
Laverne
Six people? (counts with her fingers)
No, it’s eight people.
Shirley
You didn’t.
Laverne
Did what?
Shirley
Invite Lenny and Squiggy.
Laverne
So?
Shirley
Laverne this is my Christmas party!
Last time we had a party Squiggy spent an hour cleaning his ears with his keys
and Lenny sang “Minnie the Moocher”.
Laverne
He was good at it…
Shirley
Ten times!
Laverne
Okay, so they go a little overboard
sometimes. But they are our friends, Shirl. And Lenny ain’t that bad, you know.
Besides, if we’re having a Christmas party and doing a secret Santa gift
exchange then they should be here. I made them put their names in the little
hat, too.
Shirley
With my luck, Squiggy probably drew
out *my* name.
The door bell rings.
Shirley
Okay, I guess it’s fine if they come.
But if Squiggy insists on playing that disgusting Toe or Finger game again they
are out of here!
Shirley opens the door. It’s Frank
and Edna.
Edna
Merry Christmas!
She elbows Frank, who looks angry.
Frank
Yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas and
whatnot.
Everyone exchanges pleasantries, take
off their coats, etc. Frank and Edna give Shirley their gifts for the secret
Santa and she puts them on the kitchen counter along with the others.
Laverne
What’s wrong, pop?
Frank
Nothing.
Edna
Oh, he is a bit cranky because he
wanted to spend Christmas Eve sitting on a couch watching television.
Frank
I was going to sit with a cup of
coffee, eat some lemon pie and watch “A Christmas Carol”.
Shirley
(brings a platter of hors d’oeuvres)
I don’t have any lemon pie, but we have some fruitcake in the kitchen!
Frank
I hate fruitcake!
Edna
Frank, now you stop it. We are here
and we are going to have a great time at the girls’ party.
Frank and Edna grab some hors
d’oeuvres and sit on the couch with Carmine. Shirley, smiling, takes Laverne
aside.
Shirley
(starts crying) I have ruined your
father’s Christmas!
Laverne
Aw, Shirl, don’t cry. My dad always
gets cranky at parties. Remember his birthday when I said he shouldn’t feel bad
because he was a year older, that next year *I’ll* be turning 27.
Shirley
He threw the cake out the window.
Laverne
Exactly.
Shirley
I guess you’re right. But look at
them.
Carmine is asleep, snoring with his mouth
wide open. Frank and Edna are fighting over the TV guide because Frank wants to
turn on the TV and Edna won’t let him.
Laverne
They’re fine. It’s me I’m worried
about. Where’s Miles? He said he’d be here by now. I’ll call his office. Maybe
his tied up with work.
Shirley
On Christmas Eve?
Laverne
Fences can be built too close to
chicken coops on Christmas Eve, too, you know.
Laverne crosses to the telephone and
dials.
Shirley
(looks up to the sky) Oh, please, I
worked too hard for this party to turn into a disaster. Bring me a sign that
everything will turn out okay!
Lenny and Squiggy enter. Squiggy is
dressed as an angel, and is carrying a gift. Lenny is wearing a Victorian suit,
hat and walking stick.
Squiggy
Hello!
Shirley
What are you two wearing?
Squiggy
I’m an angel. Are you blind?
Shirley
(losing her patience) But *why* are you wearing a costume?
Lenny
For your costume party.
Shirley
A
costume party? This isn’t a costume party. This is a Christmas party!
Squiggy
Costume, Christmas. Tomato,
to-mah-to.
Shirley
You know what, let’s just forget it.
Did Laverne tell you about the secret Santa gifts?
Squiggy
(hands her the gift) Here.
It’s a slimy box, leaking.
Shirley
(disgusted, trying to be polite) Oh,
jello!
Squiggy
Nope!
Shirley reluctantly places the gift
along with the others. Laverne hangs up the phone and joins them.
Lenny
Oh, hey Laverne!
Laverne
(walks past him) Shirl, I called his
office and his house. No answer.
Lenny
Called who?
Squiggy
Santa Clause?
Lenny
No, they got no phone lines in the
North Pole.
Squiggy
But how do the elves order pizza?
Shirley
Fellas! She is talking about calling
none other than Miles Noretti, one of Milwaukee’s top lawyers.
Laverne
Yeah, and he is late.
Lenny
Maybe his car broke down.
Squiggy
Maybe he doesn’t like you.
Laverne makes a pouty face.
Shirley
Squiggy look what you did! Don’t
listen to him, Laverne. Don’t---aw, don’t make your pouty face!
Shirley turns. Squiggy’s gift is leaking
all over the floor.
Shirley
Squiggy look at that mess! You have
to help me clean this up! NOW!
Squiggy
Cleaning is for girls! I ain’t no
feline!
They argue as they get towels in the
kitchen, leaving Laverne and Lenny behind.
Laverne
This stinks.
Lenny
I’ll go change.
Laverne
No, no, Len. Not you. My date. He
stood me up.
Lenny
Forget about that guy. It’s a party.
Let’s dance!
Lenny takes her hand and starts
dancing. Laverne turns to look at the sofa where Carmine is still sleeping and
Frank and Edna are watching TV.
Laverne
Len, there’s no music. We’re dancing
to “A Christmas Carol”.
Lenny
Oh. We can go to my apartment then.
Laverne gives him a look.
Lenny
(embarrassed) No, no, I don’t mean that!
I meant to look for my present for the exchange. I couldn’t find it. I was
hoping you’d help me look for it.
Laverne
Oh, sure. Hey, Shir!
Shirley is on her knees with Squiggy
trying to clean up the mess. She is emotional, crying and hitting him.
Laverne
Shirley! Shirl! Aw, look at
that. She’s scraping slime off the rug.
She ain’t gonna hear me. Let’s go.
Laverne and Lenny exit.
END OF ACT I
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ACT II SCENE C
INT. LENNY AND SQUIGGY’S APT. – NIGHT
1
The room is a giant mess--- even by
Lenny and Squiggy’s standards.
Laverne and Lenny enter. Lenny is
telling a story, making big hand gestures, not knowing Laverne hasn’t listened
to a word.
Lenny
And I am telling you, Laverne, when
that guy says he will punch your lights out, he means he’ll punch your light
out! I still got a scar right under my chin. Wow, those were the good ol’ days,
weren’t they?
Laverne
…stupid lawyer, who does he think he
is not showing up!
Lenny
Weren’t they, Laverne?
Laverne
What? Yeah, yeah. Len, let’s hurry up
and find that gift of yours, okay? I wanna go back downstairs and call Miles
again.
Lenny
Well, it’s around here somewhere.
Laverne
Aw, Len, what happened here! Look at
this mess. This is gonna take us forever!
Lenny
I got no problem with that.
Laverne
Huh?
Lenny
I promise we’ll find it real quick
and then you can go back downstairs and call your lawyer guy.
Laverne
If we don’t find it in five minutes,
I’m outta here.
They start looking everywhere. It’s
more difficult for Laverne because she --- with good reason---doesn’t want to
touch anything.
Laverne
(panicking) I touched a sock! I
touched a sock!
Lenny
It’s okay. It’s clean. (Laverne is
relieved, then…) Squiggy only wore them once, twice tops!
Lenny is throwing stuff around.
Doesn’t seem like he is really looking. Laverne goes to a large cardboard box
on the floor and reaches inside it.
Laverne
OW!
Lenny
You found it!
Laverne
I said ‘Ow!’ as in ‘Ow, I just poked
my finger and it’s bleeding and it hurts’.
Lenny
(picks up Laverne in his arms) I’ll
take you to the hospital.
Laverne
Will you put me down! It ain’t that
bad.
Lenny
(gently puts her back on her feet)
Sorry.
Laverne sees him all sad, and softens
up.
Laverne
Sorry, Len. I’m just upset. Here I
was spending the whole entire day making myself look pretty---
Lenny
You do look real pretty.
Laverne
Thanks. ---trying to make this night a night I would
remember for the rest of my life. You don’t know this guy Lenny. He’s
everything a girl could ask for. He is handsome, smart, rich, his nose doesn’t
whistle when he breathes… I mean why does this stuff always happen to me? I
woke up this morning thinking I’d be in the arms of a successful lawyer, and
here I am stuck in this apartment looking for a stupid gift with you.
Lenny looks like he wants to say
something, but he holds back.
Laverne
Look, just forget it and let’s go,
okay? I mean, the party is real lousy anyway so it won’t matter one bit. I
don’t think anyone is in the mood to do this thing.
Laverne starts to leave.
Lenny
Hey, Lav---Laverne. Don’t go yet. I…
um…
Laverne
What?
Lenny goes to the bunk beds and takes
a small box from underneath his pillow.
Lenny
(takes off his Victorian hat) Merry Christmas.
Laverne
Oh, Len, *I* was your secret Santa
gift person?
Lenny nods.
She opens the box. It’s a necklace.
Laverne
(touched) Oh, it’s beautiful! Oh, a
little heart with ‘Vernie’ engraved in it! (teary) Len, this is the sweetest
thing you’ve ever done for me. I think it’s the sweetest thing *anyone* has
ever done for me.
Lenny helps Laverne put the necklace
on.
Lenny
There. You know, Laverne. Maybe that
guy not showing up is a good thing. I mean, do you really want a guy who’s
handsome or smart or rich?
Laverne
(quickly) Yeah, I do.
Lenny
(hurt) Oh, of course you do. What
girl wouldn’t, right?
Laverne
But a guy like him could never go for
a girl like me. And the thing is I knew it. I knew he was too much for me. I
always make fun of Shirley because her head is always up there in the clouds.
But the truth is I’m afraid of having her standards. I’m always afraid of
getting burned. And here I am, barbecued.
Lenny
Barbecued? Laverne that guy is nothing.
Miles Noretti? I’ve seen his ads in the paper. He’s a loser. He ain’t too much
for you. You are too much for him. You’re… too much for any guy.
Laverne
(gently fixing a strand of hair away
from his face) Oh, Len. I have to go downstairs, okay?
Lenny
Why?
Laverne
What do you mean--? (re: necklace) What’s all this about?
Lenny can’t speak. He just chuckles
nervously and looks down. Laverne realizes and hugs him. Maybe it’s a good-bye
hug. Maybe it’s something else. Neither one will let go. Lenny pulls away and
leans over and kisses her.
The door bursts open. It’s Squiggy.
His hair is sticking up. His white angel costume is now green with slime. There
are bits of fruitcake on his face and body.
Squiggy
That’s the last time I give that
Shirley a gift!!! She threw a fruitcake at me! (takes a piece of cake from his
chest and eats it) Tasted pretty good with slime.
Laverne grimaces.
Lenny
Squig, will ya get outta here!
Squiggy
Wait, I also bring a message. (thinks
hard, then…) It’s for Laverne. Miles Noretti called. Says he can’t make it.
Emergency fence violation. Says to call him to arrange for future date as long
as it’s not New Year’s.
Laverne beams. Lenny doesn’t.
Squiggy
Well, I’m gonna head back downstairs.
Maybe Shirl will throw some more of that cake!
Squiggy exits.
Laverne
Don’t look at me like that, Len. How
many chances am I gonna get to date a guy like that?
Lenny
A guy that stood you up and treats ya
that way?
Laverne
Don’t talk like that. You don’t
understand.
Laverne starts to leave.
Lenny
Okay, maybe I don’t. But I do know
one thing: I may not be none of those things you say you want in a guy. I ain’t
handsome and I ain’t smart. I only got what you see here in this apartment! But
at least I’m the only fella in this world that will always be there for ya.
Laverne smiles, nervous.
Laverne
Come on, Len. You’re not serious.
That kiss was nothing. Just a thank you for the necklace.
Lenny
That was no thank you kiss, Laverne.
Laverne touches her lips as if
reliving the kiss from just a minute ago. She debates, then:
Laverne
Come here, you big dope!
She runs to Lenny’s arms and gives
him a full, passionate kiss which he gladly returns. They open their eyes and realize
their relationship has changed. In a single moment, friendship has turned into
romance. And yet…
Lenny
Wanna see Shirley throw that
fruitcake at Squiggy?
Laverne
Sure!
Lenny
And then we can tell everyone we’re
dating!
Laverne
Wanna be the one to tell my father?
Lenny
I guess it can wait.
They hold hands and exit.
END OF ACT II
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~*~
TAG
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT. –
NIGHT 1
Carmine, and now Frank and Edna are all
asleep on the couch snoring loudly. Shirley and Squiggy are both sitting on the
floor. They are covered in slime eating the last bits of fruitcake. They have
made peace. Squiggy is wearing a wool earflap hat.
Squiggy
Thanks for the hat, Shirl.
Shirley
Don’t mention it.
Squiggy
It was a good party, ya know.
Shirley
You’re just making fun of me.
Squiggy
I mean it. I’ve never had so much fun
in one night.
Shirley
I guess the slime wasn’t that bad.
And the stain on the rug did come off.
Squiggy
Merry Christmas, Shirl.
Shirley
Merry Christmas, Squig.
They hug, and a long line of slime
sticks between them as they pull away.
Laverne and Lenny enter.
Laverne
Aw, Shirl, your party! I’m sorry.
Shirley
It’s alright, Laverne. I can’t believe
I’m going to say this, but I think actually had a good time.
Laverne
Oh, you gave Squiggy his hat! Look at
pop sleeping. I guess I’ll give him his nose hair trimmer tomorrow.
Shirley
Who did you give your gift to, Lenny?
Lenny
Laverne.
Shirley
I’m sure it was a lovely gift.
Laverne
It was everything a girl could ask
for.
END OF SHOW