A Merry Little Christmas
By Squeaky

A Merry Little Christmas

By Squeaky

12/21/07

 

E-mail: squeaky@knapp-street.org, badwickedzoot@yahoo.com

Category: Romance

Rating: PG

Parts: 1/1

Spoilers: None.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.

Pairing: LDF/LK

Author’s Notes: It has been years since I wrote a Laverne and Shirley story! It’s written in a very short semi-script format (a sort of would-be mini episode) because it’s the only way I could extract this idea from my head.

Summary: Laverne’s date dumps her. Will Lenny get his Christmas wish?

 

~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~    

 

ACT I SCENE A

 

INT – LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT. - DAY 1

 

Everything is full of Christmas decoration boxes. Shirley sings carols, moves and opens boxes, hangs some ornaments, etc. Carmine is standing on steps. He is having difficulty hanging a set of lights.

 

Shirley

(singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

 

Carmine

Shirl, can you help---

 

Shirley

(singing) Jingle bells, la la la, hmm hmm lalala…

 

Carmine

Shirley… Shirl…

 

Shirley

Oh what fun laladeeda in a hmm hmm---

 

Carmine

SHIRL!

 

Startled, Shirley drops the box of decorations on the floor.

 

Shirley

…open sl…AAAAHHH!

 

Carmine

Are you okay?

 

Shirley

I’m fine, I just have to finish up--- (notices something on the floor) My Boo Boo Santa!

 

She picks up a tacky ceramic Santa Claus. It’s broken in two pieces.

 

Shirley (cont’d)

I killed Boo Boo Santa. Laverne gave this to me in fourth grade!

 

Carmine

She gave you that ugly---? (Shirley gives him a look) It’s beautiful. It’s a tragedy! Now can you stop with the boxes and help me hang up these lights?

 

Shirley

You’re right. (She goes over and holds a string of lights for him.) We need to have the lights ready now if we want the apartment ready for tonight. Oh, Carmine this is the first Christmas party I’m planning on my own and I want it to be just perfect.

 

Carmine

That’s what I don’t understand. Why are you doing this by yourself? Why can’t Laverne help you?

 

Shirley

She’s been busy all week getting ready for tonight. She happens to have none other than… the Miles Noretti!

 

Carmine clearly has no idea who he is.

 

Carmine

Who?

 

Shirley

Miles Noretti of Noretti, Noretti and Muns! Haven’t you seen his ads on the paper? ‘Injured in a car accident? Divorcing? Neighbor built a fence too close to your chicken coop? Call Noretti, Noretti and Muns  today’?

 

Carmine

Yeah, yeah! I remember now. She’s dating that clown?

 

Shirley

He is not a clown. He happens to be a top lawyer and he is crazy about Laverne.

 

Carmine

If you say so. (He hangs the last of the lights) There. (He connects the lights. Three lights turn on, the rest are off.) Ta-daaa!

 

Shirley

(smiling, through her teeth) Carmine did you check the lights before you put them?

 

Carmine

Why should I? They worked okay three years ago when I last used them!

 

Shirley

Carmine this is wrong, wrong, wrong! You have to take them off. I have a turkey in the oven, a casserole to prepare, decorations to hang! You’re supposed to help me! You are not helping me!

 

Carmine

Shirl, Shirl, relax.  (grabs a paper bag from the counter) Breathe into the bag!

 

Shirley is hyperventilating. She grabs the bag and breathes into it. She calms down and takes off the bags. Her nose and mouth are cover in red glitter, remnants of few glittery ornaments that were in the bag before.

 

Shirley

I feel better. Just leave the lights and I’ll finish putting up the garlands. I just hope nothing else goes wrong.

 

Carmine

I—uh… I think I should go and get changed for the party.

 

Shirley

Yes, good idea.

 

She closes her eyes and puckers up. Carmine tries to find a spot without glitter to kiss and finds none. He gives her a friendly punch on the shoulder.

 

Carmine

See ya in a few!

 

He exits. Shirley, confused, continues to decorate. 

 

ACT I SCENE B

 

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT. – NIGHT 1

 

Later that evening the house is fully decorated. Shirley is in her Christmas party dress  (her face now glitter-free) running to and fro making the final preparations. There are three gifts on the counter for the gift exchange.

 

 Carmine --- the only guest so far--- is almost asleep from boredom on the couch.

 

Carmine

Shirl, could you stay still for a while? You’ve been at it all day. There’s no more room for garlands or snowmen or reindeer!

 

Shirley

There is always room for reindeer!

 

Laverne enters from the bedroom. She looks radiant in her party dress.

 

Laverne

Shirl, where’s the hair brush?

 

Shirley

It’s in the bathroom.

 

Laverne exits.

 

Shirley

Carmine I have to have everything ready for when the guests arrive.

 

Carmine

Guests? You mean Mr. DeFazio and Mrs. Babish?

 

Laverne enters.

 

Laverne

Shirl, where’s the pearl necklace?

 

Shirley

Top drawer to the right.

 

Laverne exits.

 

Shirley

Yes, Carmine. They should be arriving anytime soon.

 

Carmine

So it’s the two of them and this Noretti guy. Anyone else coming?

 

Shirley shakes her head, dejected.

 

Carmine

All this preparation for six people?

 

Shirley nods, still looking down.

 

Laverne enters.

 

Laverne

Shirl, where are my shoes?

 

Shirley

(points) They’re on your feet, Laverne.

 

Laverne

Oh, then I guess I’m ready.

 

Shirley goes up to Laverne and gives her a big hug.

 

Shirley

Oh, I’m so happy for you. Tonight you have a date with the man of your dreams! And don’t worry everything will be perfect!

 

Laverne

You still got some glitter on your nose.

 

Shirley scrubs it quickly.

 

Laverne (cont’d)

Gotcha!

 

Shirley

That is not funny! I had to use the scratchy sponge.

 

Laverne

Not the scratchy sponge!

 

Carmine

You should’ve seen her. Looked like Rudolph.

 

Shirley

Carmine!

 

Carmine

Kidding, kidding! (goes up to her) You’re beautiful. (gives her a kiss on the cheek) Too bad you did all this only for six people.

 

Laverne

Six people? (counts with her fingers) No, it’s eight people.

 

Shirley

You didn’t.

 

Laverne

Did what?

 

Shirley

Invite Lenny and Squiggy.

 

Laverne

So?

 

Shirley

Laverne this is my Christmas party! Last time we had a party Squiggy spent an hour cleaning his ears with his keys and Lenny sang “Minnie the Moocher”.

 

Laverne

He was good at it…

 

Shirley

Ten times!

 

Laverne

Okay, so they go a little overboard sometimes. But they are our friends, Shirl. And Lenny ain’t that bad, you know. Besides, if we’re having a Christmas party and doing a secret Santa gift exchange then they should be here. I made them put their names in the little hat, too.

 

Shirley

With my luck, Squiggy probably drew out *my* name.

 

The door bell rings.

 

Shirley

Okay, I guess it’s fine if they come. But if Squiggy insists on playing that disgusting Toe or Finger game again they are out of here!

 

Shirley opens the door. It’s Frank and Edna.

 

Edna

Merry Christmas!

 

She elbows Frank, who looks angry.

 

Frank

Yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas and whatnot.

 

Everyone exchanges pleasantries, take off their coats, etc. Frank and Edna give Shirley their gifts for the secret Santa and she puts them on the kitchen counter along with the others.

 

Laverne

What’s wrong, pop?

 

Frank

Nothing.

 

Edna

Oh, he is a bit cranky because he wanted to spend Christmas Eve sitting on a couch watching television.

 

Frank

I was going to sit with a cup of coffee, eat some lemon pie and watch “A Christmas Carol”.

 

Shirley

(brings a platter of hors d’oeuvres) I don’t have any lemon pie, but we have some fruitcake in the kitchen!

 

Frank

I hate fruitcake!

 

Edna

Frank, now you stop it. We are here and we are going to have a great time at the girls’ party.

 

Frank and Edna grab some hors d’oeuvres and sit on the couch with Carmine. Shirley, smiling, takes Laverne aside.

 

Shirley

(starts crying) I have ruined your father’s Christmas!

 

Laverne

Aw, Shirl, don’t cry. My dad always gets cranky at parties. Remember his birthday when I said he shouldn’t feel bad because he was a year older, that next year *I’ll* be turning 27.

 

Shirley

He threw the cake out the window.

 

Laverne

Exactly.

 

Shirley

I guess you’re right. But look at them.

 

Carmine is asleep, snoring with his mouth wide open. Frank and Edna are fighting over the TV guide because Frank wants to turn on the TV and Edna won’t let him.

 

Laverne

They’re fine. It’s me I’m worried about. Where’s Miles? He said he’d be here by now. I’ll call his office. Maybe his tied up with work.

 

Shirley

On Christmas Eve?

 

Laverne

Fences can be built too close to chicken coops on Christmas Eve, too, you know.

 

Laverne crosses to the telephone and dials.

 

Shirley

(looks up to the sky) Oh, please, I worked too hard for this party to turn into a disaster. Bring me a sign that everything will turn out okay!

 

Lenny and Squiggy enter. Squiggy is dressed as an angel, and is carrying a gift. Lenny is wearing a Victorian suit, hat and walking stick.

 

Squiggy

Hello!

 

Shirley

What are you two wearing?

 

Squiggy

I’m an angel. Are you blind?

 

Shirley

(losing her patience) But *why* are you wearing a costume?

 

Lenny

For your costume party.

 

Shirley

A  costume party? This isn’t a costume party. This is a Christmas party!

 

Squiggy

Costume, Christmas. Tomato, to-mah-to.

 

Shirley

You know what, let’s just forget it. Did Laverne tell you about the secret Santa gifts?

 

Squiggy

(hands her the gift) Here.

 

It’s a slimy box, leaking.

 

Shirley

(disgusted, trying to be polite) Oh, jello!

 

Squiggy

Nope!

 

Shirley reluctantly places the gift along with the others. Laverne hangs up the phone and joins them.

 

Lenny

Oh, hey Laverne!

 

Laverne

(walks past him) Shirl, I called his office and his house. No answer.

 

Lenny

Called who?

 

Squiggy

Santa Clause?

 

Lenny

No, they got no phone lines in the North Pole.

 

Squiggy

But how do the elves order pizza?

 

Shirley

Fellas! She is talking about calling none other than Miles Noretti, one of Milwaukee’s top lawyers.

 

Laverne

Yeah, and he is late.

 

Lenny

Maybe his car broke down.

 

Squiggy

Maybe he doesn’t like you.

 

Laverne makes a pouty face.

 

Shirley

Squiggy look what you did! Don’t listen to him, Laverne. Don’t---aw, don’t make your pouty face!

 

Shirley turns. Squiggy’s gift is leaking all over the floor.

 

Shirley

Squiggy look at that mess! You have to help me clean this up! NOW!

 

Squiggy

Cleaning is for girls! I ain’t no feline!

 

They argue as they get towels in the kitchen, leaving Laverne and Lenny behind.

 

Laverne

This stinks.

 

Lenny

I’ll go change.

 

Laverne

No, no, Len. Not you. My date. He stood me up.

 

Lenny

Forget about that guy. It’s a party. Let’s dance!

 

Lenny takes her hand and starts dancing. Laverne turns to look at the sofa where Carmine is still sleeping and Frank and Edna are watching TV.

 

Laverne

Len, there’s no music. We’re dancing to “A Christmas Carol”.

 

Lenny

Oh. We can go to my apartment then.

 

Laverne gives him a look.

 

Lenny

(embarrassed) No, no, I don’t mean that! I meant to look for my present for the exchange. I couldn’t find it. I was hoping you’d help me look for it.

 

Laverne

Oh, sure. Hey, Shir!

 

Shirley is on her knees with Squiggy trying to clean up the mess. She is emotional, crying and hitting him.

 

Laverne

Shirley! Shirl! Aw, look at that.  She’s scraping slime off the rug. She ain’t gonna hear me. Let’s go.

 

Laverne and Lenny exit.

 

END OF ACT I

 

 

~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~     ~*~

 

ACT II SCENE C

 

INT. LENNY AND SQUIGGY’S APT. – NIGHT 1

 

The room is a giant mess--- even by Lenny and Squiggy’s standards.

 

Laverne and Lenny enter. Lenny is telling a story, making big hand gestures, not knowing Laverne hasn’t listened to a word.

 

Lenny

And I am telling you, Laverne, when that guy says he will punch your lights out, he means he’ll punch your light out! I still got a scar right under my chin. Wow, those were the good ol’ days, weren’t they?

 

Laverne

…stupid lawyer, who does he think he is not showing up!

 

Lenny

Weren’t they, Laverne?

 

Laverne

What? Yeah, yeah. Len, let’s hurry up and find that gift of yours, okay? I wanna go back downstairs and call Miles again.

 

Lenny

Well, it’s around here somewhere.

 

Laverne

Aw, Len, what happened here! Look at this mess. This is gonna take us forever!

 

Lenny

I got no problem with that.

 

Laverne

Huh?

 

Lenny

I promise we’ll find it real quick and then you can go back downstairs and call your lawyer guy.

 

Laverne

If we don’t find it in five minutes, I’m outta here.

 

They start looking everywhere. It’s more difficult for Laverne because she --- with good reason---doesn’t want to touch anything.

 

Laverne

(panicking) I touched a sock! I touched a sock!

 

Lenny

It’s okay. It’s clean. (Laverne is relieved, then…) Squiggy only wore them once, twice tops!

 

Lenny is throwing stuff around. Doesn’t seem like he is really looking. Laverne goes to a large cardboard box on the floor and reaches inside it.

 

Laverne

OW!

 

Lenny

You found it!

 

Laverne

I said ‘Ow!’ as in ‘Ow, I just poked my finger and it’s bleeding and it hurts’.

 

Lenny

(picks up Laverne in his arms) I’ll take you to the hospital.

 

Laverne

Will you put me down! It ain’t that bad.

 

Lenny

(gently puts her back on her feet) Sorry.

 

Laverne sees him all sad, and softens up.

 

Laverne

Sorry, Len. I’m just upset. Here I was spending the whole entire day making myself look pretty---

 

Lenny

You do look real pretty.

 

Laverne

Thanks.  ---trying to make this night a night I would remember for the rest of my life. You don’t know this guy Lenny. He’s everything a girl could ask for. He is handsome, smart, rich, his nose doesn’t whistle when he breathes… I mean why does this stuff always happen to me? I woke up this morning thinking I’d be in the arms of a successful lawyer, and here I am stuck in this apartment looking for a stupid gift with you.

 

Lenny looks like he wants to say something, but he holds back.

 

Laverne

Look, just forget it and let’s go, okay? I mean, the party is real lousy anyway so it won’t matter one bit. I don’t think anyone is in the mood to do this thing.

 

Laverne starts to leave.

 

Lenny

Hey, Lav---Laverne. Don’t go yet. I… um…

 

Laverne

What?

 

Lenny goes to the bunk beds and takes a small box from underneath his pillow.

 

Lenny

(takes off his Victorian hat) Merry Christmas.

 

Laverne

Oh, Len, *I* was your secret Santa gift person?

 

Lenny nods.

 

She opens the box. It’s a necklace.

 

Laverne

(touched) Oh, it’s beautiful! Oh, a little heart with ‘Vernie’ engraved in it! (teary) Len, this is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me. I think it’s the sweetest thing *anyone* has ever done for me.

 

Lenny helps Laverne put the necklace on.

 

Lenny

There. You know, Laverne. Maybe that guy not showing up is a good thing. I mean, do you really want a guy who’s handsome or smart or rich?

 

Laverne

(quickly) Yeah, I do.

 

Lenny

(hurt) Oh, of course you do. What girl wouldn’t, right?

 

Laverne

But a guy like him could never go for a girl like me. And the thing is I knew it. I knew he was too much for me. I always make fun of Shirley because her head is always up there in the clouds. But the truth is I’m afraid of having her standards. I’m always afraid of getting burned. And here I am, barbecued.

 

Lenny

Barbecued? Laverne that guy is nothing. Miles Noretti? I’ve seen his ads in the paper. He’s a loser. He ain’t too much for you. You are too much for him. You’re… too much for any guy.

 

Laverne

(gently fixing a strand of hair away from his face) Oh, Len. I have to go downstairs, okay?

 

Lenny

Why?

 

Laverne

What do you mean--?  (re: necklace) What’s all this about?

 

Lenny can’t speak. He just chuckles nervously and looks down. Laverne realizes and hugs him. Maybe it’s a good-bye hug. Maybe it’s something else. Neither one will let go. Lenny pulls away and leans over and kisses her.

 

The door bursts open. It’s Squiggy. His hair is sticking up. His white angel costume is now green with slime. There are bits of fruitcake on his face and body.

 

Squiggy

That’s the last time I give that Shirley a gift!!! She threw a fruitcake at me! (takes a piece of cake from his chest and eats it) Tasted pretty good with slime.

 

Laverne grimaces.

 

Lenny

Squig, will ya get outta here!

 

Squiggy

Wait, I also bring a message. (thinks hard, then…) It’s for Laverne. Miles Noretti called. Says he can’t make it. Emergency fence violation. Says to call him to arrange for future date as long as it’s not New Year’s.

 

Laverne beams. Lenny doesn’t.

 

Squiggy

Well, I’m gonna head back downstairs. Maybe Shirl will throw some more of that cake!

 

Squiggy exits.

 

Laverne

Don’t look at me like that, Len. How many chances am I gonna get to date a guy like that?

 

Lenny

A guy that stood you up and treats ya that way?

 

Laverne

Don’t talk like that. You don’t understand.

 

Laverne starts to leave.

 

Lenny

Okay, maybe I don’t. But I do know one thing: I may not be none of those things you say you want in a guy. I ain’t handsome and I ain’t smart. I only got what you see here in this apartment! But at least I’m the only fella in this world that will always be there for ya.

 

Laverne smiles, nervous.

 

Laverne

Come on, Len. You’re not serious. That kiss was nothing. Just a thank you for the necklace.

 

Lenny

That was no thank you kiss, Laverne.

 

Laverne touches her lips as if reliving the kiss from just a minute ago. She debates, then:

 

Laverne

Come here, you big dope!

 

She runs to Lenny’s arms and gives him a full, passionate kiss which he gladly returns. They open their eyes and realize their relationship has changed. In a single moment, friendship has turned into romance. And yet…

 

Lenny

Wanna see Shirley throw that fruitcake at Squiggy?

 

Laverne

Sure!

 

Lenny

And then we can tell everyone we’re dating!

 

Laverne

Wanna be the one to tell my father?

 

Lenny

I guess it can wait.

 

They hold hands and exit.

 

END OF ACT II

 

 

 

 

~*~      ~*~      ~*~      ~*~      ~*~      ~*~

 

TAG

 

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APT. – NIGHT 1

 

Carmine, and now Frank and Edna are all asleep on the couch snoring loudly. Shirley and Squiggy are both sitting on the floor. They are covered in slime eating the last bits of fruitcake. They have made peace. Squiggy is wearing a wool earflap hat.

 

Squiggy

Thanks for the hat, Shirl.

 

Shirley

Don’t mention it.

 

Squiggy

It was a good party, ya know.

 

Shirley

You’re just making fun of me.

 

Squiggy

I mean it. I’ve never had so much fun in one night.

 

Shirley

I guess the slime wasn’t that bad. And the stain on the rug did come off.

 

Squiggy

Merry Christmas, Shirl.

 

Shirley

Merry Christmas, Squig.

 

They hug, and a long line of slime sticks between them as they pull away.

 

Laverne and Lenny enter.

 

Laverne

Aw, Shirl, your party! I’m sorry.

 

Shirley

It’s alright, Laverne. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think actually had a good time.

 

Laverne

Oh, you gave Squiggy his hat! Look at pop sleeping. I guess I’ll give him his nose hair trimmer tomorrow.

 

Shirley

Who did you give your gift to, Lenny?

 

Lenny

Laverne.

 

Shirley

I’m sure it was a lovely gift.

 

Laverne

It was everything a girl could ask for.

 

END OF SHOW