Fonzie's Last Rumble

Scene 1: It's back in the gang's high school days. Yes that's right, The Fonz is a Junior at Jefferson High, and little Richie Cunningham is a Freshman. He and his best friend Potsie Webber were also chosen among their peers to be part of a program called "Junior for a day", where they will get to attend some of the classes that Juniors are taking. Richie and Potsie are walking up the front steps to the school...

Richie: Pots, I'm pretty worried about this...we'll never fit in with these guys! They're two years older than us! There are kids here who'll stick your head in a toilet and flush it!

Potsie: Relax, Rich! Maybe we'll meet some older women!

Richie: Older women that are interested in 14 year olds?

Potsie: True. But hey, the least we can do is try to act cool right?

Richie: And are we supposed to be experts on acting cool?

Potsie: Sure, we are! ::thinks:: Well not really...but we can at least try to not act stupid. ::Potsie runs into the door::

Richie: This is going to be harder than I thought... ::walks inside the building with a very embarrassed Potsie behind him::

::Further down the hallway, a gang of tough looking guys and a few of their girlfriends are hanging out by some lockers.::

Leader: Okay, now everybody knows what this week is, right?

Chorus of voices: Yeah!

One voice: What Fonz?

Fonzie: The prank wars, Lefty! The prank wars! With Filmore! Ya know, like when that guy Ragusa tied you up with toilet paper last year?

Lefty: Oh yeah...

Fonzie: Now may I continue please? ::gives menacing look::

Lefty: Yeah, yeah, sure Fonzie, whatever you say Fonz, go ahead...

Fonzie: Will you shut up, heh?

Lefty: Yes Fonz.

Fonzie: Thank you. Now, back to the business at hand. This week is the prank wars, as most of you knew. And Filmore High got us really bad last year. This year Jefferson has gotta get 'em back. And the Falcons are just the ones to do it!

Everybody: Yeah!

Fonzie: Now I don't have a specific plan yet, but as the brains of this outfit, I'm gonna come up with somethin'. For now, we gotta get ta class. ::groans:: Yeah it's a drag, but if we get detention from Vice Principal Baldy we're not gonna be in the prank wars, ya dig?

Everybody: Yeah...

Fonzie: Alright then. We'll discuss this more in 1st period. Just because we got to go to class doesn't mean we have to listen.

Back to Richie and Potsie...

Richie: Potsie, look up ahead of us! Those are some tough looking guys!

Girl: Hi, my name's Joanie and...

Richie: Really? My sister's name is Joanie. She's in 5th grade.

Joanie(sarcasticly): Fascinating. Anyway, this is my friend Michelle. Pleased to meet ya.

Michelle: Hello.

::Richie and Potsie finally realize that some Junior girls are actually talking to them.::

Richie(tries to act cool): So, ladies...

Joanie: Easy boys, we're out of your league. We just stopped to give ya some info you might find useful.

Michelle: About the Falcons.

Potsie: Really? What's that?

Michelle: Stay away from 'em.

Joanie: They're bad news.

Richie(puts on tough face): Aw, they don't look so tough to me.

Joanie: Kid, I saw your knees knocking.

Potsie: Well, they do look a little tough.

Michelle: You're darn right, especially their leader, Fonzie.

Potsie: What's a Fonzie? And what's wrong with her?

::Joanie has a blank lovesick stare on her face::

Michelle: Oh that. Whenever someone says his name, she gets that look on her face. She's had a crush on him since 7th grade, but her folks would die if she started dating him. Besides, he's never really noticed her anyway. Personally, I think it's for the better.

Richie: Why's that?

Michelle: Well, Fonzie is the toughest guy in school, and he flushes heads like yours down toilets.

Richie: Ah.

Michelle: So if I was you, I would steer clear of em'...where are you guys headed?

Potsie(looks down at schedule in his hand): Um...Room 202, History with Mrs....Parsons.

Michelle: Uh oh.

Richie: What 'uh oh'?

Michelle: Fonzie's in that class.

Potsie(panics): We're gonna die! We're not even going to make it to be sophmores!

Michelle: Gosh kid, get a grip! Anyway, Joanie and I have that class too. We'll walk ya there. I'd hate to have two swirlied Freshmen on my conscious. ::snaps fingers in front of friend's face:: Shortcake! Hey! Snap out of it!

Richie: Shortcake?

Michelle: Nickname.

Richie: Ah.

Shortcake: What did I miss?

Michelle: You blanked out again. S m u tty thoughts?

Shortcake: Mmm hmm.

Michelle: Well, I'm smut's #1 supporter, but we've got to get to class now. We're gonna walk these fellas there.

Shortcake: Oh, okay. They seem nice...a little square, but nice.

Potsie: Hey wait a minute...

Michelle: Shut it kid, we could flush ya heads too, ya know.

::The four of them go off to class avoiding the gang of falcons::

In the classroom...

Mrs. Parsons: Today class we are going to discuss the problems and benefits that came out of the Civil War. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Fort Sumter was attacked on...

::everyone has already tuned out the discussion, especially Fonzie and two other Falcons, Lefty and Rocky (dumb names I know, but they were the only real names of Falcons that I knew)::

Fonzie: OK...I think I've got a plan. Filmore is raising money for new books and junk like that with a "Junior Slave Auction". So I was...

Lefty: So.

Fonzie: Lefty-shut up!

Lefty: Sorry Fonz...

Fonzie: Anyway, I thought up the perfect prank. We kidnap one of their star athletes or something and hold them for ransom.

Rocky: Yeah, but how do we get in there?

Fonzie: We are going to 'convince' a few Filmore nerds to lend us their jackets...

::Meanwhile, Richie, who is terrified even to be on the same side of the room as this tough guy, overhears this conversation.::

Richie(whispering): Hey Michelle...

Michelle: What kid?

Richie: Those guys were talking about stealing Filmore jackets and kidnapping students!

Michelle(shrugs): Don't worry about it...they do stuff like this every year. It's tradition.

Richie: Alright...if you say so.

Potsie: So how's about you and me going out sometime?

Joanie: Drop dead.

Filmore Highschool

Scene 1: Between 1st and 2nd period Laverne and Shirley are at the locker they share in Filmore's crowded hallway.

Laverne: Boy, Shirl, can ya believe it? I've been waiting for this all year!

Shirley: Honestly, I don't know what the big deal is about the 'Prank Wars'. It's barbaric if you ask me.

Laverne: Well, no one asked you! I personally am gonna enjoy every minute of it! We're juniors this's school spirit!

Shirley: I don't care. It's awfully childish and anyone who finds it entertaining is a mindless idiot.

Squiggy: Hello!

Shirley: I was hoping those two were held back last year.

Lenny: So are you girls gettin ready for the prank wars with Jefferson?

Laverne: I can't wait, but Shirley's bein' a stick in the mud.

Lenny: You do that on the weekends too? Just our luck, we're busy!

::Laverne and Shirley have disgusted looks on their faces::

Shirley: Put them out of your mind Vernie...just put them out of your mind.

::Carmine approaches the locker::

Carmine: Hi Angelface, Hi Laverne! Are you girls excited about the prank wars or what?

Shirley: Carmine, I am ashamed of you...what's so fun about prank wars anyway?

Carmine: Well last year I wrapped a kid up in toilet paper...and I was only a sophmore then!

Shirley: Well personally, I think a more worthwhile pastime is the junior slave auction. That's good clean fun and we're raising money for our school.

Laverne: Whoopee, new science books! ::rolls eyes::

Lenny: Well since we're not talking about mud anymore Squig and I gotta get to class now...bye!

Laverne: Bye guys! ::pauses:: Mud? Eh, they'll grow out of it.

Carmine: Well I better get to class too, girls, see ya later huh?

Shirley: Yeah, we have the slave auction this afternoon after 6th period.

::Later on that day, At Filmore High School::

Rocky: Well that wasn't so hard, we didn't even have ta hit 'em.

Lefty: Yeah, I thought Fonz woulda at least had to grab em by the collar.

Fonzie: Sometimes I amaze myself. But enough small talk...we have business to take care of.

Part 3

MC: Now everyone, the moment you've all been waiting for...The Junior Slave Auction! That's right, your own personal slave for a week...carry your books, do your homework...

Laverne: Put a mike in the math teacher's hand and ya got Orson Wells.

Shirley: Shhh! We've gotta be quiet...they're gonna bring us out any minute.

MC: We also have the "Mystery Slave" where there are 4 students behind a curtain and you don't know who they are 'til after you buy them. It could be the star quarterback behind there, ya never know!

Fonzie(whispering to Lefty): That's what we're gonna get.

Lefty: What?

Fonzie: The mystery slaves...he said the star quarterback may be behind there. Otherwise...::at this moment Fonzie sees a Paula Petralunga type walk into the Filmore Gymnasium:: take care of this huh, Lefty?

Lefty: Right, Fonz. Me and Rocky can handle problem!

Scene 2: Fonzie and his latest chick are making out in the Falcon clubhouse (picture either the She-Devils ep of Happy Days or the Bad Girls ep of Laverne and Shirley). Just then Lefty and Rocky come in carrying burlap sacks (like the one Chachi was in at the She-Devils party).

Lefty: Here they are Fonzie!

Fonzie(to girl): Excuse me, club business to take care of, I'll see you later.::girl exits:: Now, boys, what have you brought me?

::Rocky and Lefty dump their sacks out on to the floor...Lenny, Squiggy, and Laverne come tumbling out::

Fonzie: This is what you got?

Rocky: We got the mystery slaves, like ya said Fonz. I guess you made a mistake, huh?

::Fonzie grabs Rocky by the collar::

Fonzie: Mistake? The Fonz don't make mistakes! You nerds made the mistake!

Rocky: Right, Fonz, right! Our mistake! Boy are we stupid!

Lefty: Real stupid, Fonz, yeah!

Fonzie(to the Filmore prisoners): Alright...stand up, lemme have a look at ya. ::Looks down the row...Lenny...Squiggy...Laverne!:: Laverne? What are you doin' here?

Lefty and Rocky:You know her?

Lenny and Squiggy: You know him?

Laverne: Fonzie? From Mrs. Davis's 3rd grade class? How'd you recognize me?

Fonzie: The L looked familiar...and these nerds must be Andrew and Leonard! Sorry to get back to shop talk, but...weren't there four mystery slaves...::sees the pile of burlap shivering in the corner:: Uh huh.

::A highpitched whine sounds from the burlap pile::

We last left off with the burlap pile whimpering…

Laverne: Haul it out here Shirl!::Shirley crawls cautiously out from the pile::

Shirley: Hello. My name is Shirley Feeney and even in these less then positive circumstances I am...::slap from Laverne::

Laverne: Shirl, stop apologizing, it's only Fonzie!

Shirley: Fonzie? Boy, what a way to pay us back! I mean, I shared my pudding with you! This is what you do to me? Talk about your fair weather friends.

Fonzie: ::looks down at the floor:: Sorry Shirl. ::audience 'Awwws'::

::The guys snicker and Fonzie whips up and snaps his fingers::

Fonzie: Guys, ya don't put ladies in a burlap bag! Get some class and sophistication!

Rocky: Sorry Fonz, we didn't know you was Cary Grant!

Fonzie: Yeah? How'd ya like a burlap bag up your nose?

Lefty: We wouldn't like that Fonz, nope!

Fonzie(rolls eyes heavenward): The nerds I gotta work with! ::pauses:: And speaking of nerds ::turns to Lenny and Squiggy:: I forgot about you two. Ladies, are one thing, but you guys are another, I'm gonna have to hold you for ransom.


Lenny & Squiggy: What?

Laverne: Who'd want them?

Squiggy: She's got a point.

Fonzie: I'm not gonna hold my two best girls for guys are all that I got left.

Shirley: Well why don't you just let us all go?

Fonzie: I'd love to Shirley, I'd really love to...but I can't let everyone in Milwaukee think that the Fonz is goin' soft, can I?

Laverne: No! But why don't ya hold me and Shirl for'll be kinda fun!

Shirley: Fun? Fun! Fun is...

Laverne: What? The science book auction? AKA How we ended up here?

Shirley: True. Besides you wouldn't hurt a girl who shared Jello banana with you would you Fonzie?

Fonzie: Of course not, my little bird of paradise. The Fonz is still a gentleman!

* the Filmore High Gym*

Carmine(to anyone who's listening): Hey, has anybody seen Shirley?

Anne Marie: Some guys bought her, Laverne, Lenny, and Squiggy...

Carmine: I thought they'd still be here...

Anne Marie: Carmine, maybe I better not tell you this, I mean, I don't wanna worry you or anything but...

Carmine: Tell me what? Tell me what?

Anne Marie: Well, I thought that one of those guys looked familiar...Remember when you tied that guy up in toilet paper last year? I swear he was the one who bought the mystery slaves...

Carmine: Well that was a Jefferson guy so that couldn't be...::light bulb: Oh you don't mean they were...

Carmine and Anne Marie: Kidnapped.

Scene 1: Fonzie has left for a date and leaves Lefty and Rocky in charge of the prisoners.

Rocky: I'm bored.

Lefty: Me too...I'm tired a sittin' around.

Rocky: Well, we have live entertainment right here!

Lefty: I don't know Rocky...Fonzie said ta leave 'em alone.

Rocky: So what? Hey, there's some rope over there...let's tie them up, huh?

::Rocky grabs some rope from a corner of the clubhouse and begins tying up Laverne and Shirley::

Laverne: Hey, what's the big idea

Rocky: We're guys are gonna be some short-term entertainment.

Shirley: Oh, we're not that entertaining...

Squiggy: We're less entertaining!

Rocky: Listen, all of yas...shut up!

Lenny: Fonzie said to leave us alone.

Rocky: ::calling out to the air:: Hey Fonzie! Do you mind if we tie up these clowns? ::mock listens for a moment:: Nope! He doesn't mind!

30 minutes later...

Fonzie: Hey! What in the-

Lenny(interrupting): You big jerk! Left us with your goons so you wouldn't have to do the dirty work yourself! I oughta...

Laverne: Very forceful Len...but I wouldn'ta done that. 3-2-1...

Fonzie: Jerk? Jerk? I go out of my way to be a sweet and lovable guy and I get called a jerk? Come ', I'll come to you! ::Fonzie approaches menacingly while Lenny tries to shrink behind Squiggy...(Not easy since he's about a foot taller) Fonzie grabs Lenny in a headlock and...::

Shirley: Fonzie, please don't hurt Lenny, he didn't mean anything by it, really. He's just dumb.

Lenny(desperately): Very dumb! Almost as dumb as Squig!

Squiggy: Hey...

Lenny(in a choked "I'm-in-a-headlock" gasp): It's okay, that's a compliment.

Shirley: See?

Fonzie: Well maybe you're right, I guess I shouldn't lose my-

::Familiar knock, followed by a door being kicked in::

Carmine: Drop him, punk!

Fonzie: What is this? Everybody is insulting cool!

Shirley: Carmine, this isn't what it looks like...

Carmine: Stay out of this Angelface! ::to Fonzie:: I brought some prisoners of my own...:: A few members of the Dragons, Filmore's gang, bring out Richie, Michelle, Potsie, and Joanie::

Fonzie: Calm down, Ragusa, you don't know the whole story...

Carmine: I don't, do I? Well I know that 3 of my best friends are tied up and one is is in a headlock! ::Fonzie looks down and realizes he is still choking Lenny::

Fonzie: Wait a minute...who are they?

Carmine: Some of the Jefferson High junior class, of course.

Potsie: We're just juniors for a day! Our day was up at 2:30! ::Richie nods::

Carmine: Oh well! You go to Jefferson don't you? Close enough.

Fonzie: Now listen here, brillo pad! I've had about enough for one day, ok? If I'm not careful, I'm gonna lose my cool! ::walks over to the door dragging Lenny with him:: Contrary to popular belief, I don't like to bash people's heads in, but you're asking for it!

Laverne: You guys are being silly! Carmine-Those goons over there tied us up, not Fonzie...he was about to untie us when Lenny called him a jerk so he grabbed his head, and then you came in and got the wrong idea, so now you and Fonzie are about to rumble and then our schools will hear about it and we'll all start fighting and- ::suddenly realizes that no one can understand her because she's talking so fast:: Well, the point is we should be getting along!

Carmine: You were gonna untie 'em?

Fonzie: Of course.

Carmine: Oh, well, um, I guess I'm kinda sorry then. But it looked... Well, no hard feelings, ok?

Fonzie: Sure ::shakes Carmine's hand, finally dropping Lenny in the process::

Shirley: Hey! What about us?

Fonzie: Right ::snaps fingers and the ropes fall off::.

Squiggy: How does he do that?

Fonzie(to Lefty and Rocky): As for you...::hangs each of them up on a coat rack::

::Carmine and the Dragons untie the Jefferson prisoners::

Richie: Well this has been some day! Juniors, kidnapped...

Potsie: Yeah...I think I'll stay a Freshman for a while!

**Note: We're going to indulge the author a moment**

::Joanie looks at Fonzie and sighs::

Fonzie: And who is this?

(no answer)

Michelle: She's Shortcake. Aren't you?

Joanie: Mm-Hmm.

Fonzie(looks her up and down): Very nice. What do ya guys say we all go out to Arnold's? Me and Shortcake, Shirley and Ragoo and the rest of ya can-

Carmine: Ragusa. Not Ragoo.

Laverne: I don't know Carmine, I think it has kind of a ring to it. The Big Ragoo!

Carmine: It makes me sound like your father's pizza sauce, Laverne!

Shirley(does a slight shoulder wiggle): I like it, Big Ragoo.

Carmine: The Big Ragoo it is!

Fonzie: Ya know, Ragoo, you're all right.

Carmine: Thanks. You too.

Fonzie: I know. Frr-rr...

Carmine: Friends?

Fonzie: Yeah, what you said.

Laverne: All right, now that we're all friends here...last one to Arnold's buys dinner!

The End >

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