The Great Television Caper by Scott McClenny

Part I

"What is exactly does this activity involve?"

Tom felt Seven staring at him as he talked to Harry.

"Wha..?"he asked turning his next to look at her as she stood in back of his chair in the galley.

"Have you been eavesdropping on us Seven?"Harry asked between bites.

"I just heard Lieutenant Paris invite you over to do what he called 'watching a little tv' and I was curious as to what the activity involved."she replied looking a bit hurt.

"I tell you,why don't you bring Ichib and Naomi over and you can find out for yourself."Tom said.

"Agree."and Seven walked back out.


"I thought you said this was going to be a quiet night alone."

Tom looked sheepishly at his new wife.

"I thought we agreed that Harry could come over and try out the tv."

"Harry yes,but Seven,Ichib and Naomi..Why didn't you just make an announcement over the comm?Better yet why not the entire Borg Collective well you're at it?"

"B'Elanna,you don't.."Tom began when the door buzzed,"Too late that's them now."

B'Elanna put on her best hostess smile as their guests walked in one by one.

"Find yourselves seats and I'll just replicate us some old fashioned pop corn and something they called back in the 20th century Pepsi."

"Is this the device?"Tom could hear Seven asking B'Elanna.

B'Elanna nodded.

"Rather crude.If you allow Ichib and me to add some Borg technology to it I am sure we can make it better."

"That's the way it's supposed to be Seven."Tom protested carrying a large pocket of buttery pop corn.

"So what happens now?"Ichib inquired.

"Now we all just sit back and watch."Tom said as he pushed the remote control.

Seven and the two children looked perplexed at first until the screen turned from black to white and then color.

"This is very much like a holodeck but without the three dimensional aspect."Ichib said.

"Be quiet!"Naomi whispered.


As they watched the first show began.

Tom explained to Seven and the others that the show the were watching was called LAVERNE & SHIRLEY and that it was what was called a sitcom.When Naomi asked what year it was on the show Tom further explained that though the show was made in the mid 1970s and early 1980s that it was set in the 1950s.

"A rather barbaric period in human history."Seven said.

As the show opened Seven felt a little headachy but didn't say anything as she didn't wish to ruin the fun for everyone else.


"That was..interesting."Seven said afterwards.

B'Elanna noticed that she winched just slightly as she spoke.

"Are you feeling alright you need to see the Doctor?" she asked.

Seven shook her head and exited the door.

The room began to swim and she heard voices.

Strange voices.

Part 2

"Vernie are you ok?"

Seven found herself lying on the floor.

A woman with reddish dark hair was bending over her.

Next to her stood two men. "Who are you?"she asked.


"Are you kidding us?"the shorter dark haired man said,"That's Shirley, he's Lenny and I'm Squiggy."

Seven looked confused.

"Here lie down on the sofa."Shirley leaned over and her to a nearby sofa.

"Why do I have an L on my chest?"Seven inquired as she lay down.

"For Laverne."Lenny,the other man answered,"Boy you must really be out of it if you can't remember your own name!"

"Maybe she got what my Aunt Ida had."Squiggy suggested.

"Your Aunt Ida had amnesia?"Shirley asked.

"No,German Measles."

"Get out!"Shirley pointed to the door.

As they were going Lenny turned around and said,"I just hope she hasn't forgotten how to bowl."

"OUT!"Shirley yelled again and Lenny and Squiggy made a hasty retreat.

"What do they mean bowl?"Seven asked her.

"This is what happens when you don't listen to me Vernie!"Shirley sighed, "I told you not to try to change the lightbulb in the kitchen while you were wearing high heels..but did you listen to me..oh! no!"she shook her head in dismay.

"I still do not understand what they meant by 'bowl'"Seven said.

"Oh dear,it's worse than I thought."Shirley looked bewildered,"And tomorrow's the big grudge match against the girls in Accounting.I just hope that amnesia doesn't hurt your game.I also hope that Sheila Brasky doesn't find out that about it.She's been waiting to get even with you since you cleared her clock last year!"


"How long has she been like this?"Captain Janeway asked the Doctor.

"Tom and B'Elanna found her unconscious outside their quarters earlier today."

"Do you know what the problem is yet?"

The Doctor shook his head.

"All I've been able to find out is that her synapses are overactivated, and her eyes have been moving as if she were in an hperREM state."

"You mean she's dreaming?"

The Doctor nodded.

They were interrupted by the sound of Ensign Vorick's voice coming over the comm.

"Engineering to Sick Bay,emergency transport.It's Ichib."


Ichib stared at the pan he found himself holding.

The last thing he remembered he had been assisting Ensign Vorick in Main Engineering,he couldn't recall how he got to the galley.

"Aren't you finished making breakfast yet Jack?"

Ichib turned to see a short brunette walking through the door.

For some reason he couldn't help staring at her.

"Where did you come from?"he asked.

"From the bathroom silly."she said sitting down at the table."You'd better finish cooking breakfast before Cindy wakes up.You know how hungry she is first thing in the morning!"

"Cook?"Icib looked at her blankly.

"Why else do you think we keep you around?"she laughed.

"May I ask you one question?"

"Fire away!"

"Who are you?"

"Jack,"the girl laughed,"you're kidding right? It's me,Janet we've been roommates for years!"


"Strange."the Doctor mused as he looked over Ichib's life signs.

"What is it Doctor?"Janeway asked walking over.

"These readings are almost identical to Seven's but with a slight variation."

"Could it be the start of an epidemic?"

"Let's hope not."the Doctor said,"But just in case we'd better find out everything they did in common yesterday.The clue to what ails them and curing it lies somewhere in what they both did or had in common yesterday."

Part 3

"Is she doing any better?"Shirley asked.

"Let's just say that Mr.DeFazio's insurance for The Pizza Bowl have tripled since you left."Carmine replied indicating the various new holes in the walls.

"And that was after nearly 3 hours of showing her the RIGHT way to hold the ball!"he added shaking his head in dismay,"Shirl,I think there's more than just a little bit of amnesia inovlved here."

Shirley sat down next to Seven.

"And how are you doing?"she asked.

"This place could use some Borg technology to make it run more efficently."Seven muttered.

"Don't pay any mind to that."Carmine said,"She's been saying things like that all day long."

"Never mind that,"Shirley said opening the package she had in her hand,"these will cheer you up."she handed Seven a stuff cat and a drink.

Seven stared at the stuffed animal.

"I do not need nutrional supplements at this time."she said pointing to the drink.

"But it's your favorite,milk with Pepsi!"Shirley said,"At least hold Boo Boo Kitty,for me,please?"

Seven reluctantly took the cat and cradled it in her hands.

"See Boo Boo Kitty will make you feel better."Shirley said.


"After a full investigation,"CAptain Janeway said addressing the room,"we've narrowed the cause to something that happened yesterday night in your quarters."

Tom and B'Elanna looked at each other perplexed.

"We didn't do anything out of the ordianry."B'Elanna said.

"Just a tv viewing party with a few friends."Tom added.

"And did this party include Seven and Ichib?"the Doctor inquired.

They both nodded.

"Who else was there?"the Captain asked.

"Naomi and Harry and that was all."B'Elanna said.

"Hmmm..."the Doctor looked at the Captain,"I'd better have all of them come in and have a check-up just in case."

"Agreed."the Captain said,"In the mean time I suggest you have Ensign Vorick and Crewman Gilmore look at the television set to check to see if there's anything technological involved."

Tom had his mouth opened in dismay,but the Captain dismissed them before he could protest.


Ichib spent the day exploring the apartment.

Janet and Cindy had both thought it be best if he stayed inside until they were sure he had gotten his memory back.

"But my name is not Jack it is Ichib."he had protested ore than once.

"Yeah,and we're the Queen and Princess of Alpha Centuari!" Janet said laughingly.

"Alpha Centauri is not a monarchy."Ichib began but said nothing more as he realized that anything he said wouldn't be taken too seriously. He had just finished staring at the tv when the door opened and Cindy walked back in.

"Guess what Jack...have we got a surprise for you that should help you get your memory back!"

Part 4

"Aaaay!,How are my favorite bowlers?"

Seven stared up at the leather clad stranger walking into the bowling alley.She didn't know why but suddenly the entire room seemed to be somewhat,for loss of a better word,'Cooler'.

"Fonzie!"Shirley exclaimed running up to greet the man.

Seven watched coolly as she gave him a quick hug and peck on the cheek.

"Say what's the matter with DeFazio?"Fonzie asked,"No hug for the old Fonz Laverne?"

"She's not been herself all the day."Shirley said sadly,"And we've tried everything."

Seven continued to look into space.

"What's the problem?"

"We think she's got amnesia."Shirley replied.

Fonzie looked taken aback.

Then he did what Seven least expected,he bent down and kissed her on the cheek.

"I'm rooting for both my girls to do well in this match tonight." he said softly.


"Say 'Ah'"the Doctor ordered Naomi who was squirming on the biobed impatient to get done with the exam.

"Why do we need to do this?"Naomi protested.

"Just say 'Ah' and we'll get you back to your studies or whatever you were doing."the Doctor grumbled.


The Doctor heard the door to Sick Bay open as he was busy examining Naomi.

He turned to greet the Captain.

"Anything?"she asked.

"Naomi's the last,"he replied,"and all of them have been healthy."

"Let's hope Vorick and Marla have better luck."the Captain said.


"I haven't seen one of these things since my father took us to the Twentieth Century Technology Fair at Minneapolis in 2356."Marla said admiring the tv set.

"Lieutenant Torres replicated it for Lieutenant Paris as a present." Vorick said.

"The question is did she add anything that might have caused Seven and Ichib to have a bad reaction.Normally this is pretty benign technology."Marla said reaching to open the back of the set.


"Boy Jack,you really must not be yourself today."Chrissie said as she followed her cousin through the doorway,"Usually you'd be all over me by now."

Ichib jut looked blankly at the blonde who had been 'reintroduced' to him as his ex-roommate.

"I do not know what you are talking about."he murmured.

"Why don't you and Chrissie sit down and talk over old times whileI make us some coffee."Cindy said,"Maybe that will help you to remember."Cindy said.


The Doctor stopped what he was doing to puzzle over the mystery that was facing them.

He looked at the biobeds where Seven and Ichib lay.

"Hmmm..."he thought," do the following and then contact Captain Janeway and have her meet me in Holodeck One!"

He put on his mobile emitter and sped out of Sick Bay.

Part 5

"Hey Mr. and Mrs. C here to watch Laverne and Shirley win?"

The Captain looked at the Doctor with a look of chagrined confusion.

"THIS is what you wished to show me?"she said.

"I thought it the best way to understand what was happening to Seven and Ichib. Counselor Troi of the Enterprise used a similiar technic when Lieutenant Commander Data exhibited strange behavior once,I looked it up in the Enterprise D logs."

Fonzie stopped and stared at the Captain and Doctor,they were still dressed in their uniforms.

"Whoaa!What gives?"he asked,"Are you two going to a costume party are did you forget to change out of your pajamas when you got up?No offense of course."he added.

"Ye-es.."the Captain replied,"...that's right..we were on our way to a costume party when we decided by."

Under her breath she asked the Doctor:"Who IS this?"

"He's a character from a popular 1970s sitcom about the 1950s called HAPPY DAYS,"the Doctor whispered back,"he's called Arthur Fonzarelli,alias Fonzie,alias The Fonz."

As Fonzie walked off the Captain pointed to where Seven was with a reddish dark haired girl.

"The girl next to Seven is a character named Shirley Feeney."

"And is she from the same program?"

"More or less."the Doctor replied.

"What do you mean more or less?"

"She and Seven's character are from what they call a spinoff, in this case one called LAVERNE & SHIRLEY."

"Let me guess Seven has the part of Laverne?"The Captain said, "Is that why she has a L on her chest?"

"Yes,Laverne DeFazio,"the Doctor nodded,"Now shall we see what Ichib is up to?"


"I can't find a thing out of order or wrong with this set."Marla was sounding frustrated as she spoke,"In fact this is so much like the real thing that except for some added holotechnology you couldn't tell the difference between this and the real McCoy."

"What does someone named McCoy have to do with this?"Vorick asked.

"Never mind!"MArla said tossing one of the chips down.


"Now where are we?"the Captain asked.

They were in a well furnished apartment.

"The time for is now the 1980s and we are in the apartment of Jack Tripper,Janet Wood and I believe now Cindy Snow,in which case I'd stay away from the doors if I were you Captain."

The Captain wondered what the warning was about but moved too late as the front door opened and she found herself flying to the floor.

"Oh,I'm terribly sorry Mrs.Roper."a blonde bent down and helped her up.

She was followed by another blonde with some packages.

"What are does?"the Doctor asked.

"Something to help Jack feel better of course!"the other blonde said taking out a bottle of wine.

Part 6

"Poor Jack."Chrissie set down her wine glass on the coffee table as she talked.

For some reason she had taken the Captain and Doctor's presence easier than the Captain thought.

"How long has he had amnesia?"the Captain inquired.

"Oh,he doesn't have amnesia."Chrissie responded.

"Than what's the problem?"the Captain asked.

"He just can't remember who he is any more!"

At that the front door opened and Janet walked back in.

"Where's Jack?"she asked.

"In the kitchen with Cindy,she's trying to see if cooking would help his memory."

The Captain got up from the sofa.

"I'll go see if it's working."she said.

"Stay away from the..."

Too late the Captain found herself flattened by the unexpected opening of the kitchen door.

At that same time the comm sounded.

"Computer Freeze Program!"the Doctor ordered helping the Captain up.


"Looks innocent enough."B'Elanna said fingering the chip.

There was a silent agreement among the others in Sick Bay.

"Yet it is our culprit."the Doctor said turning it over and pointing to the scratched underside.

"Any theories?"the Captain asked still nursing her sore side.

"Apparently," Vorick said,"the scratch was the result of a microfacture that interacted with Seven and Ichib's neural implants causing an cascade effect in both.The result is that they are expierencing what they saw as reality in their dreams."

"So how do we fixit?"Tom asked.

"That you had better leave to me."the Doctor replied.

Part 7

"What happened to you?"the Captain smiled at the greeting coming from Shirley as she waved from the bench.

"How's it been going?"she asked.

"It could be better."Shirley confided,"Laverne's not just up with her game tonight."she frowned,"It doesn't look too good."

"Things will get better soon."the Captain said with a forced grin.

Or at least I hope they will if the Doctor's plan works out.


"Laser scalpel."

Tom handed it to the Doctor.

"How long until we know if this works or not?"he asked.

"Any minute now.Now be quiet this is very delicate work."

The Doctor said a silent holographic prayer as he started to delve into Seven's neural implant.


"Hey DeFazio beat that!"Sheila Brasky crowed from the other bench.

"Don't pay any attention to her Vernie,"Shirley encouraged Seven, "just go out and do your best and whip her butt!"

There was a chorus of loud agreement from the rest of the Bottle Capers and their rooters.

As Seven stepped to the line she felt dizzy.


"It's working Doc!" Tom said,"She's coming to!"

Seven looked around them confused.

"What happened?"she asked.

"Long story."the Doctor said,"Short explanation is you've had a rather interesting dream.Now for Ichib."


Captain Janeway smiled as the holoimage of Seven slowly faded out and was replaced by another one.

"One down one to go."she said.

"Computer EMH Holoprogram Alpha 2 Delta."

And with that the scene changed from the bowling alley to the apartment.


"As they used to say back in the Twentieth Century too much tv can be bad for you."the Doctor muttered as he examined Seven and Ichib.

It was four days later and so far he was satisfied with the progress that they had made.

"Perhaps we should decline next time Mr.Paris invites us to one of his tv parties."Seven suggested.

"It's perfectly safe now that Vorick and Crewman Gilmore have replicated newer chips."the Doctor replied,"The only danger now would be if you turned into a couple of couch potatoes."

"I have no desire to turn into a tuberous vegetable!"Ichib injected with some dismay.

"Don't worry I don't think that's what the Doctor had in mind!" they turned to see the Captain entering the Sick Bay.

"How're your patients today?"she asked.

"Back to their old selves!"the Doctor grinned.

Seven was about to say something that would have been rather biting when Tom entered.

They all stared at him.

He was dressed in the same outlandish style that the Captain recognized from the Laverne & Shirley holoscenario.

"It's 1950s night at The Regale Beagle."he announced,"Shake a leg and don't be late!"

"Well,"the Captain said,"looks like we have an interesting night ahead."


It took an hour for them to replicate the necessary clothes and to reprogram the Doctor to the proper appearance.

When they entered Holodeck One they found that it was decked out like a Twentieth Century bar.

"Hey Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham over here!"the Captain and Doctor found themselves waved to a table where Laverne and Shirley were sitting.

"This place sure is classier than Arnold's."Shirley was saying taking a sip of white wine.

"Yeah,but don't let Arnold know!"Laverne replied.

The Captain took a quick look around her.

Over at the bar she saw Fonzie with a Delaney twin on either side.

They were laughing and having a good time.

At another table Harry Kim and Marla were talking with Janet Chrissie and Cindy.

The Captain smiled to herself,'leave it to Harry'she thought.

Tom and B'Elanna were in a corner with Carmine and Jack.

Even Seven seemed to be enjoying herself as she was at a table with Lenny and Squiggy.

Somehow she was enjoying their company more than the Captain thought. 'Maybe it helped to loosen her up a bit.'

At the same time someone put some money in the juke box and it began to play Rock Around The Clock.

Carmine walked over to the table.

The Doctor and Captain looked at each other.

"Want to try an old Twentieth Century dance with me?"the Doctor asked.

"Why not!"

As they got up to go Shirley turned to Laverne and said: "isn't it romantic that two people who have been married as long as they've had are still in love. Now that's how I see it will be when I get married."

"Shirley doesn't that balloon of yours ever touch down to land?"

But as Laverne was speaking Ichib came over to the table.

"If you don't mind?"he said to Shirley.

She smiled and gave him her hand.

"Hey Laverne,wanta dance?"Laverne smiled at Lenny and together they walked on to the dance floor.

And they Lindied the night a way.


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