Always Something Else

By Shotzette

Rated PG

“Always Universe”

This is a work of fan fiction and is not intended to infringe upon anyone’s copyrights or intellectual properties.  It was written for grins and giggles, not dollars and cents.

“Emmy?”  Lenny’s voiced squeaked his highest since puberty as he quickly hid his midsection behind a pillow.

“Lenny!”

Laverne blinked her eyes in disbelief.  This was not happening, she said to herself, not here, not now.  “Em?” she croaked praying that the bouffant coiffed nightmare in front of her was some sort of horrible mirage or delusion.

Emmy’s blue eyes narrowed in bands of blue steel, radiating contempt.  “Tramp!”

Lenny shook his head, as his mouth was barely able to form coherent words.  “How? When?”

Emmy didn’t spare him a glance as she menacingly approached Laverne.  “You stay away from my baby brother you-you-“

Shock gave way to anger as Emmy’s words galvanized Laverne.  “Watch it with the ‘you’s’, Em.”

“Emmy,” Lenny interrupted, “when did you get here?”

Emmy glanced back at her brother.  “This morning, Lenny.  Gil left me for Lucille,” she added, her voice quavering but her hate filled eyes never left Laverne.  “Mikey and I have been on a bus for a day and half, and then I walk in on you and this-this” she said as she gestured toward’s Laverne.

Laverne clenched her jaw and replied harshly, “I’m not a big fan of the ‘this’s’ either, Em.”  She looked at Lenny in shock as the truth dawned on her.  “You haven’t told her, have you?”

Her fiancé shrugged in askance as he looked nervously at the two furious women.  “I haven’t had a chance, Vernie.”

“Told me what?”  Emmy looked torn between hugging her baby brother and wringing Laverne’s neck.

Something small, dark, and petty made Laverne smile sweetly at Em as she held up her left hand.  “It’s okay, Em.  We’re engaged.”

The narrowed blue eyes widened in shock.  “You’re what? “

“Engaged,” Laverne replied firmly, as she stood up to meet the other woman’s gaze.  “As in getting married on October 27th.  We just reserved the date with the Church this morning,” she added.

Emmy’s eyes had never left Laverne’s left hand.  “You gave her Gaga’s ring--the ring that our grandmother smuggled out of Poland when she left?  You gave the only family heirloom the Kosnowski’s have ever had to this bimbo??” Emmy’s voice rose into something between a shriek and a wail.

“And you know how much I hate that word,” Laverne growled as her palm shot out as if on it’s own accord and connected loudly with Emmy’s cheek.  The feeling of her hand slapping Emmy was almost worth the painful sensation of the other woman’s closed fist striking her jaw in return.  Laverne leaped past Lenny and tackled his sister to the ground as she began to pummel Emmy with her fists.

“Laverne!  Emmy!  Stop!”  Lenny cried out as he tried to separate the fighting women, but they both slapped his hands away.

“What the heck is that racket?”  Shirley Ragusa stood slack-jawed in the doorway as her blue eyes widened to take in the scene.  “Leonard!  Stop them!

“I’m trying,” he whined as he half-heartedly tried to pull the two women apart.

“Not like that!” Shirley snapped as she pushed her way between the slapping hands and kicking feet, reaching up to grab two handfuls of hair.  “Enough!” she said as she forcefully yanked the two women away from one another.  “Are you both insane?  What kind of an example are you setting for the child?”

“What child?” Laverne asked, glancing around and more than a little happy that Shirley had intervened as she stood up and surveyed the damage she’d done on her future sister-in-law.    Emmy’s hair was a disheveled nest of Aqua Net and her left cheek was red from Laverne’s initial slap.  Briefly touching her own sore face, Laverne wondered if she would be showing up at Bardwells tomorrow with a bruised jaw.

“Hello, Uncle Lenny!” a young voice cried out.

“Mikey!” The scuffle apparently forgotten, Lenny leaned over and gleefully swept his nephew up into a ferocious bear hug.

“Cover yourself up in front of my son,” Emmy hissed at Laverne, as her eyes darted down to the torn bodice and exposed bra.

Laverne ignored her after a quick glance downwards showed that she wasn’t showing anything that the kid hadn’t seen in the lingerie section of a Sears catalog before-if he was anything like his uncle-- and grinned at the kid.   “Hi, Mikey.  I’m Laverne.  You probably don’t remember me since I haven’t seen you since you was little.

The boy’s blue eyes crinkled as he smiled up at her, eerily looking like his uncle, without a trace of Gil Haarker in his features.  “You’re Missus Ragusa’s friend.”

Laverne smiled back.  “Yes, but I’m also going to be your aunt in a few months.  Me and your uncle Lenny are getting married in October.”

“Wow!  Am I going to have cousins?”

“Yes, Laverne,” Emmy asked in a voice of ice, “is there a reason that you’re all of a sudden interested in marrying my brother?”

Laverne lurched at Emmy again, only to feel herself held back by Lenny’s arms.  “Mikey,” Lenny said to his nephew, although his eyes were coldy gazing at his sister, “Me and your Aunt Laverne want to have babies and give you some cousins to play with, but that ain’t gonna happen for a while.  A long while.”

Emmy’s eyes narrowed and her mouth opened in retort, only to be interrupted by the sound of a creaking door.

“Hello,” Squiggy said quietly, and he walked to the fridge and retrieved a beer.

“Squig?”

The smaller man’s dark eyes glanced around the room listlessly before coming to rest on Emmy’s disheveled hair, runny mascara, and torn housedress.  “Emmy.  You look well.”

“Squiggy?”  Shirley asked as concern marked her features.  “What’s wrong?”

Squiggy shrugged.  “Ain’t nothing wrong.  The world is finally normal again, and Rhonda hates me.”

“What?”  Lenny’s jaw dropped and he sat down heavily on the bunk in apparent shock.

Squiggy continued speaking dully, to no one in particular as he toyed with the pull tab of his beer.,  “I proposed, she said no, so now we’re back to square one.”

Shirley stared at him in shock, his numbness seemingly more disturbing than his most manic lecherous antics ever had.  “Squiggy, where’s Rhonda?”

“Who?”

“Rhonda, you imbecile” Shirley shouted.

“Don’t call him that!” Lenny snapped at her.

“The tar pits,” was Squiggy’s quiet reply.

Shirley’s blue eyes nearly bugged out of her skull.  “You left a chemo patient at the tar pits?”

“Huh?”  Squiggy continued to look not as much at Shirley, but past her.

Shirley took a deep breath before forcefully grabbing Squiggy by the lapels of his leather jacket.  “Keys!”

“What?” was the dull, and hollow reply.

“Keys!  Give me the keys to your truck now.”  Shirley stood in front of Squiggy, bristling with angry energy, her arm outstretch and palm open.

Wordlessly Squiggy handed her his faded green rabbits foot with the keys jingly on the end of it.

“Shirl…” Laverne began as she saw her friend spin on her heel and march out the door, leaving her alone in hell.

“Not now Laverne,” Shirley responded absently.  “Leaving a chemo patient alone at a tar pit…” she murmured before slamming the apartment door behind her.

Shirley seemed to suck the energy out of the room when she left, and an eerie silence fell.  Laverne fiddled with the top of her dress, suddenly self-conscious.  She saw Emmy half heartedly trying to smooth out her ruined hairdo out of the corner of he eye.  She glanced away just in time to see Lenny tentatively reach out to touch his best friend’s shoulder.

“Squig?” Lenny whispered hesitantly.

Squiggy pulled out of his reach, and said, “I just need to go for a walk for a while, Len.” as he stumbled out of the door.

“Squig!”  Lenny hollered as he bounded after his friend.

Laverne and Emmy stared at each other in the silent apartment, open mouthed with disbelief.

“Excuse me?”  They both looked down at Mikey.

“If you want to fight some more, I can referee like Uncle Lenny,” he offered.

Shirley bit off a curse as the Plymouth in the lane next to her darted in front of the ice cream truck without using it’s turn signals, and then blushed.  She had never even thought words like that back in Milwaukee.  Then again, she reasoned with herself, Milwaukee drivers usually understood common courtesy; an eleven-mile drive didn’t take an hour and a half, and all of her nearest and dearest hadn’t been morons.  Well, she amended as Lenny and Squiggy’s faces flashed in front of her eyes, not total morons.

As Shirley made the right turn of onto North Fairfax, she prayed that Rhonda was all right.    The temperature had cooled somewhat down the low eighties, and there were plenty of shady spots at the LaBrea Visitor Center, providing Rhonda wasn’t too exhausted from her jaunt at the park to find it.  For the eleventh time that hour, she cursed Andrew Squigman under her breath.  Of all the …  Further reflection was caught short when she saw a familiar form in a coral tank top and matching slacks huddled in a bus stop vestibule. 

Shirley winced as she cut off the Dodge behind her as she muscled the truck into the bus lane.  “Rhonda!” she hollered out of the door.  No response.  “Rhonda!” she said in a tone that usually made Laverne wince and involuntarily clasp her neck muscles.

The blonde’s eyes opened, and she seemed disoriented. 

“Rhonda!”  Shirley repeated for the third time, ignoring the glares of the pedestrians and the angry honking of the bus driver behind her.

“Shirley?”

“Get in!”

Rhonda favored the irate bus driver with a pale imitation of her usually faux-gracious smile and quickly hopped into the passenger seat.

The two women drove in silence for several minutes before Shirley’s questions were unable to contain themselves.  “How are you feeling?”

Rhonda shrugged non-committaly, and stared out the window at the sluggish traffic.

“Squiggy told me what happened at the tar pits.”

Rhonda shot Shirley a quick look.  “And you picked Rhonda up anyhow?”

Shirley shot the blonde a surprised look.  “Why wouldn’t I?  We’re friends. That’s what friends do.”

“Squiggy is your friend.”

Shirley nodded.  “Yes, and if the situation was reversed I’d be picking him up.”

Rhonda snorted.  “No you wouldn’t.  You’d send Lenny or Laverne”

“Lenny perhaps, but you’ve apparently never seen Laverne drive,” Shirley said with a wry grin as the memory of her best friend careening down Knap Street in Lucille Lockwash’s convertible brought a smile to her lips.

“Rhonda couldn’t say yes.”

“So you don’t love him.”

“Rhonda didn’t say that,” Rhonda countered.

“So why didn’t you say yes?”

Rhonda rolled her eyes in apparent exasperation.  “You’ve got to be kidding, Shirley”.  The blonde looked at her, mouth agape, in disbelief.  “Rhonda can’t let Andrew throw away his life on someone who-who…”

“Who he loves?” 

“Who may not be there in a year.  Or, if she is, will only hold him back.”

Shirley tore her eyes away from the road to look at her friend.  “Rhonda, don’t talk like that.”

“It’s true.  Rhonda’s grandmother died nearly a year to the day of her diagnosis.”

“Rhonda, your grandmother was thirty five years older than you are-forty years older than you say you are-and you told me your self that she didn’t have any treatment until near the end.”

“But…”

“And,” Shirley interrupted, “medicine has come a long way in twenty-five years.”

“Not far enough.”

“No, not far enough.  Rhonda, you are young and healthy and you are fighting this with all you have.”

“And it might not be enough.  Rhonda won’t know for another month.”

“No you won’t, and I realize that.”  Shirley took a deep breath and forced calmness into her voice.  “I know that I can’t fully understand what you are going through, but Squiggy wants to be there for you, through the good and the bad.”

“That’s what Rhonda’s afraid of.”

“He’s not going to leave.”

“Rhonda knows, but he should.”  At Shirley’s look, Rhonda continued, “Squignowski Talent is doing a lot better than you’d think.  Hell, better than Rhonda had ever believed it could.”  Rhonda hesitated and looked sideways at Shirley.  “Rhonda never told you this, but when you all moved into the building, Rhonda didn’t think any of you would last six months in this town.”

“You didn’t say so in words, Rhonda, but your message got through loud and clear,” Shirley replied dryly.

“I know.  I mean Rhonda thought you and Laverne were marginal at best…”

“I’m so glad that I picked you up…” Shirley muttered as she quickly shifted lanes without signaling.

“But, Rhonda didn’t think the boys had a snowballs chance in hell.  And that’s being generous to roasting snowballs.”

“I know.  I’ve been surprised by their progress.”

“Squiggy’s ideas are good, Shirley.  Rhonda knows that he’s a little out there…”

“That’s an understatement”

“But that can work in this town.  He’s actually making a name for himself-in a good way.”

“That would be a first…”

“So how can Rhonda ask him to give it all up for her?”

“Who says he would have to?”

“Part of the job of a talent agent is to be out there mingling with talent.  Not staying home with a sick wife, or taking out a carved up freak that has lie down or vomit every half hour.  He needs some one who can be an asset to him, not a liability.”

“He needs to be with the woman he loves.”

“He will get over Rhonda.  A lot of men with less strength have in the past,” Rhonda muttered, as her voice trembled slightly.

“Squiggy’s not most men, or haven’t you figured that out yet?”  Irritation colored Shirley’s voice as she floored the accelerator and squeezed into the turning lane, narrowly avoiding a garbage truck by mere inches.  “And as for you not being an asset, you know how this town really works.  You know names and faces and where to go and who will be there…”

“Only because Rhonda has stayed in the loop for the past few years.  Rhonda has always been invited to the good parties-some of them even A-list.  But," she said looking sadly down at the bandage peaking up from the low neckline of her top, "Rhonda’s useful assets may be no more.”

“I think Rhonda really needs to look at herself in the mirror-from the neck up this time-and see what she truly has to offer,” Shirley replied, as she felt a tear -for Rhonda, or Squiggy, she didn’t which-start to trickle down her cheek, “I think she’s selling herself short.”

Laverne gingerly wrapped the bag of frozen peas in a dishtowel before gingerly holding it to her throbbing jaw.  Emmy’s punch had left one heckuva bruise, she’d just been too angry to feel the brunt of the blow earlier. 

Laverne plopped herself down on the couch and tried to sum up the days events.  On the bright side, she had a venue for her wedding.  On the down side, she had a throbbing jaw, AWOL best friend and fiancé, and a load of laundry that needed to be washed so she’d have clean underwear for work tomorrow.  She grinned wickedly.  If she was staying home tomorrow, the lack of undies wouldn’t be an issue with Lenny around, she thought with a longing look at her condom-filled purse.  Then again, with the events of the last few hours, she didn’t anticipate Lenny being in the mood for at least a week.  Okay, realistically a day or so.  Noon tomorrow, she amended as the door buzzer bleated in on her thoughts.

“We really need to get that fixed,” she murmured as she lumbered over to answer the door.  “Edna?” 

Her stepmother walked into her apartment with a wide smile and carrying a large white box in her hands.  “Laverne, I hope I’m not intruding, but-what happened to your jaw?”

Laverne fingered the rapidly purpling bruise self-consciously.  “It’s nothing.”

Edna pursed her lips and looked at Laverne suspiciously.  “It doesn’t look like nothing to me.”

“Lenny didn’t do it,” Laverne said and then winced at her own defensive tone.

Edna shrugged.  “I never thought he would.  Shirley on the other hand…”

“It was Lenny’s sister, Emmy.”

Edna’s eyebrows rose in surprise.  “Lenny has a sister?”

Laverne nodded.  “Yeah, I think she only came by the building once or twice, before you bought it from Mrs. Havenwurst, after he first moved in with Squiggy.  She didn’t take his moving out too well,” Laverne murmured.  “Anyhow, Emmy and her husband have called it quits from what I gathered, and she just showed up today with her son, Mikey.”

“Lenny has a nephew?  That’s even more interesting than a sister,” Edna said.  “How did that,” she said pointing to Laverne’s chin, “happen?”

“It’s a long story…”

“I’d love to stay and hear it, but I want to get back to Cowboy Bills before Frank gets suspicious.  I told him that I was making a bank run.”

A fresh wave of guilt washed over Laverne.  “I’m sorry that you feel you gotta lie to see me, Edna.”

Edna smiled warmly.  “No, it’s not that.  I told your father when he started this nonsense that I fully intended to support you and Lenny.”

“Then why?”

Edna grinned as she offered the box to Laverne.  “I didn’t want him to realize that I took this.”

Laverne took the box from her hands and set it on the coffee table before taking off the lid.  Gingerly, she dug through layers of light blue paper until the precious contents were revealed; a wedding dress.  Her mother’s wedding dress. 

Gently taking the dress by the shoulders, she raised the ivory satin concoction from the confines of the box.  It was still as beautiful as it had been in the old photographs that she’d loved to look through as a child.  The V-necked and the short butterfly-sleeved bodice was an antiqued ivory satin with a mostly intact net overlay.  A taupe embroidered design decorated the entire front of the bodice and continued at the waistline through the back.  The net portion of the bodice crossed under the bust-line, creating an inverted “V” under the bust, so typical of the styles of the 1930s.  The skirt was flowing and floor length, with a sheer overskirt with four panels above it, making it flowing rather than poofy.

It was beautiful; beyond style and fashion.  The dress was history, her mother’s last gift.  As she turned to thank Edna, Laverne noticed a yellowed envelope sticking out of the blue tissue.  Her name was written in a painfully familiar scrawl.

“Open it,” Edna said gently.   “I found it on top of the dress.”

Laverne looked at the sealed envelope and then at Edna. 

Edna shook her head.  “It says ‘Laverne’ on that envelope, honey, not ‘Edna’.”

With shaking hands, Laverne carefully slit the top of the fragile envelope, and carefully unfolded the notepaper within.

“My dearest, Laverne,

It is with great happiness and sadness that I wrap this for you in the hope that you will one day marry a man who will make you as happy as your father has made me these past years.   I do not believe that I will be able to stand at your side that day, but always know that your Mama is looking down on you and smiling, my little angel.

Love,

Mama”

"Oh my…"  Laverne sat down on the couch, trying to take it all in.  "It’s so…"

“Beautiful, I know, honey.”  Edna replied, her own voice sounding rather shaky.

“She wrote this nearly a year before she died.  I guess that the doctor’s had told her then, even though my Pop didn’t know for a while.  I really wish she-“Laverne broke off, remembering to whom she was speaking  “I’m sorry-“

Edna shook her head.  “It’s okay.  I understand.  Your mother loved you very much, and so does your father-even though he’s too stupid to show it right now.”

Guilt washed over Laverne, anew.  “Maybe I shouldn’t…”

“No,” Edna replied firmly.  “You should.  Laverne, I don’t know if you actually want to wear this dress or not, but you should at least have a choice in the matter.  Your mother didn’t go to all the trouble to preserve this dress and write you that letter only to have it sit in your father’s storage locker for twenty-two years.”  

“I love it, I really want to wear it, but…” Laverne eyed the torn netting and the short waist with a more critical eye.

“Here’s where my wedding present comes in, honey”.  Edna handed Laverne a business card that read Lopez Alterations.  “Anita Lopez is a friend of mine, and whatever alterations the dress may need, or changes you want, are on me.

Laverne shook her head.  “I just want to repair it and alter it to fit me.  I want to keep it just like my Mama had it.”

“I understand.  It will look beautiful with her earrings, too.”  Edna reached over and took Laverne’s hand.  “Laverne, I never had the pleasure of meeting your mother, but I know that she would be very proud of you, and the life that you’ve chosen for yourself.  I know that the situation between you and your father is rough right now, but try to see and enjoy the very special part of your life that you’re in.  True love doesn’t come around that often, so don’t let anyone ruin it for you.”

Edna blinked her rapidly brightening eyes, and then looked at her wristwatch.  “Good grief,” she said briskly, “I better get back to Cowboy Bills pronto.  Laverne," she added, as she rose from the couch to leave, "please think about what I said."

Laverne nodded, as her own tears threatened to take over.  “Thanks, Edna.  One more thing?”

“Sure.”

“You’ll be there, right?  Me and Lenny picked a date today, October 27th.”

Edna beamed.  “You couldn’t keep me away, Laverne.”

“Thanks,” Laverne replied as she gathered Edna into a quick hug.  “I’m glad that I will have one parent there.”

FIN

To "Always Looking Higher"
To "Always Hide Your Water Balloons"