TITLE:  Fear of a Black Cat

UNIVERSE/SERIES: Alternative Season Eight Universe

EPISODE: 5 of 14

RATING: PG (Adult thematic material, especially if you know what I mean by “tie”)

PAIRING(s): L/L; past - S/C; AS/RL; S/W

DISTRIBUTION: To LW, Kai, Myself and FG so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"

Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!

CATEGORY: Romance/Humor

FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!

SETTING IN TIMELINE: Replaces “Jinxed" in continuity -.  in this alt continuity.

SPOILLER/SUMMARY: A chain letter seems to poison Lenny’s luck, so the gang invites Father Christopher to come bless the Laurel Vista apartments.  But the source of Carmine’s lousy luck probably isn’t human.

NOTES: The fifth fic in an open universe which seeks to retell the events of season 8 through an L/L spectrum, and also to return Shirley to the canon.

***

“I swear, I’m going to kill that man!”

Laverne masked a smile against her orange juice glass as she took a sip.  “Aww, Shirl, don’t be so hard on Len.”

“Don’t be so hard on Lenny?!” her very pregnant best friend tucked her fists firmly against the sides of her hips, her eyes narrowing.  “The most annoying man in the history of the universe?  I don’t believe that you’re actually taking his side in this!”

“You expected me not to?  Me and Len are…” she grinned and drifted off, staring into space.

Shirley snorted.  “Yes, I know – believe me, I know…stupid, thin walls,” Shirley murmured.  “But nonetheless, I’m in the right!  It’s just not proper to open and read the mail of others.”

“He was just checking to see if Walter sent him candy; he used to do that sometimes…”

Shirley clutched the thin letter to her breast.  “Really?”

“Yeah, he and Squig used to suck on ‘em, then pitch ‘em down Rhonda’s dress.”

Shirley’s lip curled.  “Well, isn’t he the emperor of good taste!”  Miraculously, Lenny bopped downstairs at just the right moment – in his underwear.

Shirley shrieked at the sight of him.  “Leonard!  Cover your shame!”  She started lecturing about his need to wear pants and how he should remember decency for heaven’s sake. 

“Ey!  It’s my house too!”  Lenny snapped, and Laverne couldn’t help but grin – she loved it when he broke out of his shell and demanded his rights. 

“He is right – it’s OUR place, Shirl,” Laverne couldn’t resist poking her best friend about the fact that this was her place now. 

“Right, and you’re just stayin’ here, Shirley Wilhelmini Meaney Feeney Green Beaney…” Lenny slapped a hand over his mouth. 

“Whatt’re you, stuck in a loop?” Laverne teased, smacking him on the back.  “I get too much of that from Chuck at work.”

“Chuck,” Lenny muttered, shuddering. 

“Forget Chuck!” Shirley ordered.  “As long as I’m staying here, Leonard, I’d prefer you wear pants when you leave the bedroom.  Heaven knows, that won’t be for very long.”   She turned and waddled up the stairs, “because this isn’t working out!”

They both winced at the slamming of the bathroom door.  “She’s goin’ in there again?!” Lenny complained.  “Pregnant ladies hang out in the bathroom a lot.”

Laverne smirked.  “That’s cause…never mind,” she wrapped her arms around his neck.  “I’m sorry you’re fighting with Shirl.”

“S’Ok.  I dunno why she’s so cranky.”

She pushed at his chest playfully.  “She and Carmine ain’t talking, she’s almost ready to have the baby, she don’t got a place of her own…” a high-pitched shriek sounded from the bathroom.  “Shirl?!”

“HE DIVORCED ME THROUGH THE MAIL!” Shirley cried out.

“…And that,” Laverne added, heading upstairs to comfort her best friend.

***

The following morning, Laverne forced herself to make a rigid schedule – she’d take Shirley to the zoo (always a welcome distraction for her best friend), leave her to visit with her Pop while she ran an errand and attended an interview, then home to dinner and movies with her friends and boyfriend.

She found Lenny downstairs at the breakfast table, staring at an opened letter.  “Hey, Laverne – does Shirl know anyone in Nigeria?”

“What?” she tugged it out of his hands and scanning it quickly.  “Dear Friend: This letter has brought luck to millions…blah blah…please copy it and send along to ten good friends.  If you don’t, you may face the wrath of unknown forces…Len, this is a chain letter – just throw it out.”

He gasped.  “No!  It’s against the Kosnowski code to toss out chain letters.”

Laverne rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, but bugging people’s wrong.”   She ripped the note in half and pitched it into the garbage as he made an offended whimpering sound.  “Trust me, it’s easier this way.”

“I guess if you say so, Vernie.”   Lenny remained clearly unconvinced.

Shirley waddled in from the balcony, sunglasses in hand and an absurd oversized sunhat perched on her head.  “I’m ready to go!”

“Are you sure it’s safe for you to go out, Shirl?” Lenny wondered, eyeing her oversized belly; she responded by protectively covering her belly.

“Yes– unfortunately, little Davy’s staying put for the moment,”  Shirley responded, grimacing at a pain in her lower back.

“We’ll see you tonight,” Laverne pecked her boyfriend on the forehead before leaving him to the silent apartment.

“Be careful!” Lenny called after her, concearn obvious in his voice.

*** 

“Why did you let me fall asleep?”

Shirley’s whine pierced Laverne’s brain as she fumbled with the key.  Her best friend stood beside her trying valiantly not to come in contact with anything at all – she had been baked bright red by their afternoon at the zoo and beach.  “I’m sorry, Shirl – I’ll help you!  I’ll make an oatmeal bath…” she kicked open the door. 

“What an awful day!” Shirley complained.  She didn’t even notice that the apartment was completely empty as they entered it.

“Wait ‘til I tell Len that one of the gorillas got his new camera, AND I missed my interview,” Laverne grimaced as she snagged a Shotz from the refrigerator.  “I’m gonna have to buy him a new one when my furlough’s over.”

Shirley stood, arms akimbo, in the center of the room.  She stared at the beer Laverne proffered her.  “What’s this?”

Laverne’s eyes widened.  “Shirl, are you in there?”

“I know what it is!  I can’t drink it – alcohol is bad for the baby.” 

Laverne seized the beer back, then began to sip alternately from Shirley’s bottle and her own. 

“Laverne?  The bath?”

“Oh geez, I’m sorry…” she turned back toward the cupboards and rummaged through them, coming up empty.  “Oh!” she smacked her own forehead.  “Lenny ate the rest of the oatmeal yesterday, remember?”

Shirley groaned.  “Never mind, then.  Help me get upstairs?” she asked.  Laverne rushed over to help her - she pulled and pushed but somehow Shirley ended up on her reddened back on the staircase, her legs over her head, yowling. 

That was when Lenny rushed in from the balcony, dressed from head-to-toe in catcher’s equipment.  Both women shrieked – Lenny bayed and threw himself under the end table. 

“Lenny!  Get out from under there!”  Laverne had him by the wrist, but he wasn’t budging. 

“NO!  The curse’s gonna get me!”

The girls traded looks.  “Curse?”

“It was horrible, Laverne.  Squig and me lost Junko to a better agent, then the truck got towed, and then Carmine tripped on Squiggy’s raisin collection and fell down the stairs and broke his leg!”

The girls gasped.  “I gotta get that letter out of the trash…” Laverne said.

“What letter?” Shirley complained.

“You got a chain letter this morning and we…”

“YOU!” Lenny retorted.

“Tossed it out,” Laverne was wrist-deep in the garbage, spilling it across the floor.  “Where is it?!  WHERE IS IT?!”

“WAIT A MINUTE!” Shirley cried out.  “You opened my mail without my permission Leonard?”

Lenny squirmed.  “Well…”

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!  THIS IS THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS THING YOU’VE EVER…”

“Shirl!” Laverne grabbed her best friend, slapped her across the face, and cried out in pain as she collided with her sunburned body.  “CALM DOWN,” she mouthed through a pain-ringed mouth.  “You’re being crazy.  I’m sure there’s nothing wrong, that there’s no curse…”

The bell rang, she waddled over to answer it.  “Telegram for Missus Meeney,” the deliveryman announced, handing her the package.  She signed, got rid of him, and ripped it open.

Laverne peeked over her shoulder and said, incredulously, “it says he’s suing for custody of Boo Boo Kitty!”

“Go get a priest!” Shirley ordered.

***

They all gathered at the girl’s place that afternoon – Carmine and his broken leg, Shirley packed in ice, Rhonda – minus her false lashes, which had irritated her eyes scarlet, and Lenny and Squiggy, who nervously stared at the designated priest as if he might explode.

Father Christopher cleared his throat.  “This is highly unusual,” he declared. 

“We know, father,” Laverne said.  “Thanks for coming down on such short notice.  It’s just that we’re kinda desperate.”

“Yeah, so do your voo-doo mumbo-jumbo and get this curse offa us!” Squiggy cried out.

“Curse?  Children, there’s no such thing….”  He sighed at the desperate, pleading expressions worn on every face.  “Oh, all right…” he tossed a drizzle of holy water about the table, onto the floor and in the wastebasket.  “There.  Everything should be right as rain in the morning.”

“Tell that to my leg,” Carmine whispered to Rhonda, who giggled and rubbed her red eye.

“I dunno if that worked,” Lenny announced as the priest left.  “Maybe we should hire the guy from Helltown…”

“I don’t think…” Laverne started.

“Maybe we should…” Shirley began.

The room dissolved in a loud argument that was contained only when Frank burst into the room.  He took one look at everyone present and shook his head. 

“What happened to all of you?”

A flood of voices attacked him.  He held a hand up for supplication. 

“We got a lot of crossed wires goin’ on here!”  He handed Shirley a telegram.  “I got this today, it was addressed to you.”

She ripped open the letter, relief showing on her face.  “Walter won’t take Boo Boo Kitty if I give him my best dress,” she ignored the shocked glances.  “Long story.”

Frank added, “Junko the Clown came by Cowboy Bills – he said that he’s been trying to call Squig all week.  He wants back into Squignowski, but you gotta give him a new beach ball.”

“Yeah?” Squiggy and Lenny asked, hope in their voices.

Frank concluded, “And Carmine, Paramount called my place by mistake and said that if you get back on your feet in two weeks, they’ll hold the part for you.”

“Oh man, that’s great.” Carmine enthused, trying and failing to get on his feet to shake Frank’s hand.

“What about my interview, pop?”

“That I can’t help you with.  But you can bus tables for me ‘til your furlough’s up.”

Laverne pouted.  “I guess that’ll be fine.”

“Good!” enthused Frank.  “Now everyone relax while I make you all dinner.”

“Thanks, Mr…Pop!  Boy, I’m glad we got that creepy curse off of us!” Lenny enthused.

“We never had a curse on us, silly!” Shirley retorted.  “Everything was solved this morning, before the priest even came.”  She grabbed a bottle of calamine lotion from the table.  “But I hope you learned a lesson about opening people’s mail and respecting their boundaries.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Lenny remarked, rolling his eyes. 

Shirley smiled.  “Very good.  I’m going to nap upstairs ‘til dinner’s done.  Laverne, can you spread this on my back?”

“Hey Shirl,” Carmine said, hobbling after her on crutches.  “Can I help instead?”

She leveled him with a direct gaze.  “I don’t believe you!  Do you expect me to forgive you after you treated me like a toddler?”

He batted his brown eyes at her.  “I’m real sorry, Shirl…” she gave her his best puppy-dog look.  “Please?”

She wavered.  “Well, all right – as long as you stay above the waist…”

Carmine smirked and wiggled his brow at Laverne and followed Shirley upstairs. 

“On that note, Rhonda must be going.  Rhonda has a dinner date with Misters Korman and Allen tonight,” she announced, getting up.

“Gee, even with red eyes?” Laverne asked.

“But of course!  They’re  just the perfect shade for the part: Leena: Vampire Queen.” 

“Good luck there, Rhonda,” Laverne retorted.  She glanced at Squiggy.  “I supposed you don’t got anywhere to be?”

Squiggy had been studying a stain on his tie.  “Now why would I leave and give up a free dinner?”

Laverne sighed, turned toward Lenny and rested her head on his chest.  He squeezed her arm.

“Are you sure you’re okay with working for your Pop?”

“Yeah – it won’t be that bad.  And it’s only ‘til my furlough’s over and I make half the money you need to get the truck out of hock and buy a new camera...”

“New Camera?” Lenny whined.

She smiled, squeezed his arm and kissed his neck.  “It’s a long story…”

THE END