Christmas In Milwaukee

Christmas in Milwaukee

"Boy, do I hate this time of year," Squiggy muttered, staring at the tiny excuse for a Christmas tree. It stood in the corner of the apartment he shared with his longtime buddy Lenny, failing to brighten the place up in the slightest.

Lenny wasn't deterred. He tossed another handful of silver tinsel over the thin branches. "Ah, c'mon. How can you hate Christmastime? It's all glittery and happy and there's cookies."

"Cookies, shmookies." Squiggy plunked himself down on the sofa. A spring jabbed him in the butt for revenge. Wincing, he said, "All we do is sing the same stupid songs and spend all the money we don't have on presents. It's...it's boring, is what it is."

"You're just saying that cause you think it makes you sound cool." Lenny dusted the remaining strands of tinsel from his hands and turned to face Squiggy. "You just don't want to admit you like something everyone else likes."

"That ain't it! It's just a dumb kiddie holiday, that's all. I'm allowed to hate it if I want to." Squiggy knew he sounded like a kid himself, but he didn't care. He folded his arms and glared at the floor. Stupid Lenny, what did he know anyway? His dad used to get him and his sister a tree, and presents, and cookies. Well, it was more like a bush, a couple pairs of socks, and sardines from the cannery, but that was all a heck of a lot better than the Squigman annual festivities. Or lack thereof.

"Fine. You wanta go into your yearly funk, you go right ahead." Lenny snagged his Lone Wolf jacket from the back of the sofa and shrugged it on. "Me, I'm going out to buy Laverne the biggest, bestest, most nicest present two bucks'll get me."

Squiggy snorted. "Yeah, good luck with that."

"What do you mean?" Lenny grasped the doorknob.

"Nothing."

"No, not nothing." He released the knob and turned back to Squiggy, hands resting on his hips. "You got something to say, just say it so's I can get to the store."

"It's just that I hate to see you wasting your dough like you waste your time." Squiggy knew he should stop talking. He knew it before he'd opened his mouth. His insides were all twisted with memories and regrets and old sadness and whenever that happened, it was best for him to go sit in the closet until he felt better. But he'd let the words out, so now he had to defend them.

Lenny's large blue eyes narrowed. "You still don't like the idea of me cozying up to Laverne, do you? Geeze, what, do you think you got a shot with her?"
"Me?" Squiggy let out an incredulous laugh. "No, sir, no thank you. It ain't like she's repulsive or nothing, but she ain't my type, neither."

"Oh, that's right. Your type is shorter and darker. Sort of...Shirley-shaped?"

Damn it, thought Squiggy. Lenny knew him way too well. "We ain't talking about me," he snapped. "We're talking about you and your sniffing after Laverne like a dog chasing fresh Spam." Mm, Spam. Maybe he'd have some for lunch later.

"Hey, I'm not sniffing! I'm courting, like a gentleman should." Lenny cocked his head to one side, his half-smile confident.

It bugged Squiggy to see Lenny with confidence. It didn't fit, and for some reason it made him feel even more like that little boy from Christmas Disappointments Past. "Courting is when a lady and a gentleman are interested in each other," he explained as though Lenny were two-years-old. "Note the 'interested in each other.' Not just the guy is hot for the girl who don't know he's breathing."

"Laverne's seen me breathe lots of times," Lenny countered. "She liked those flowers I gave her the other day."

Squiggy remembered that scene. They'd just punched out of the brewery, and Laverne and Shirley had strolled past them on the way to the parking lot. Lenny suddenly produced a skinny bouquet from under his jacket and handed them to Laverne with a mumbled, "These. For you."

Laverne had taken them like she'd expected them to explode. When they didn't, she'd given the flowers a sniff and smiled. "Thanks, Len. They're pretty, but what's the occasion?"

Lenny, his usual smooth self, had stammered, "Um, nothing. Just. Cause. You know." Laverne and Shirley exchanged one of their looks and that had been about it.

Poor dumb Lenny. Squiggy just wanted to keep him from hurting himself again. "Why don't you just give it up already," Squiggy said.

"No, I ain't gonna do that," Lenny countered. "And neither are you." With that, he reached down and yanked Squiggy to his feet. Squiggy tried to tug his arm away, but Len's fingers tightened around his wrist. "Come on."

"Where...hey...this is kidnapping, sir, kidnapping!" Squiggy reluctantly let his friend drag him out of their apartment, down the stairs, and out to their beer truck parked in back. Climbing into the cab, he muttered, "There are laws about this sort of thing."

"Stop your griping already." Lenny slid into the driver's seat.

"So where you stealing me off to?"

"Pfister's Department Store. We're going shopping!" said Lenny, grinning.

Shopping. Wonderful. Squiggy slouched against the door. Well, maybe he could kick a Santy Claus or something. That could be fun..

***

"Oh, Laverne, come on already," Shirley groaned as Laverne pawed through a bin of mismatched gloves.

"Hold your horses, Shirl." Laverne's voice was muffled, due to her face being halfway buried under mittens. "Ah, ha!" She jerked back, triumphantly holding aloft a matched pair of small, pink gloves. "My cousin Nunzio's daughter is gonna love these!"

"Fine." Shirley consulted their master shopping list and checked off 'gift for second cousin Eleanor.' "Now, can we please wrap this up?"

"Heh. Wrap." Laverne chuckled. "We're getting Christmas presents and you said wrap. Like wrap presents. You're such a card." Laverne smacked her on the shoulder and Shirley lurched against a row of bins in the Pfister discount corner. Grumbling, Shirley straightened, smoothed down her coat, and stomped off toward the ladies' department. Laverne was in rare form today, nearly bouncing off the walls. Shirley wished she didn't know what was making her friend so giddy, but unfortunately, she knew all too well.

Lenny Kosnowski.

Who'd have thunk it? Shirley wondered as she circled the size five rack of holiday sweaters. What magic had made Laverne stop thinking of Lenny as a big doofus and started looking at him like a potential beau? She must be desperate, Shirley concluded, studying a red sweater with a reindeer on front. Or just sick and tired of dating Purple Fiends. She shuddered inside. Next to those bums, a dodo like Lenny actually might not be so bad. He did treat Laverne nicely, even bought her that silly little bouquet, which was a sweet gesture. Carmine used to buy her flowers....

Shirley hung the sweater back up and bit her lower lip, surprised by the sudden urge to cry. She knew there was no future with Carmine. He was happy with Lucille and they were better off as friends anyway. Still, it had been nice to have a boyfriend, even if their relationship was never going to go beyond that. At least she'd had someone to take her out, tell her how pretty she was, make her feel less alone.

She gave her head a brisk shake. No use crying over spilled milk. Shirley strolled purposefully toward the dress department. After all, Mr. Right - no, make that Doctor Right - was waiting around the next corner.

Then she slammed into someone. Someone short and leathery who exclaimed, "Oomph! Watch where you're going, woman!"

Shirley blinked, focused on Squiggy. Her heart sank. "What in the world are you doing here?"

"I'm shopping." Squiggy glared over his shoulder at Lenny, who was pawing through the dresses. "Against my will."

"I know the feeling," murmured Shirley.

Squiggy raised an eyebrow at her. "I though you was a regular Christmas Mary Sunshine."

Shirley sighed. "I'm just not feeling in the spirit this year." She wondered why she was still talking to Squiggy, of all people. Usually the mere sight of him was enough to send her dashing off in the other direction.

"Yeah, spirit's overrated." Squiggy stared at his feet. He looked sad. Shirley felt sorry for him, and in spite of her better instincts, she patted his shoulder. He glanced up at her, a mixture of surprise and caution in his eyes. "Anyway, how long's it gonna be til your best friend over there breaks my best friend's heart? Not that I care or nothing, just...wanted to make a bet on it."

Shirley crossed her arms. "I think you've got their roles reversed. Lenny needs to stop toying with Laverne's feelings."

"He ain't toying with nothing. They ain't even gone to first base yet!"

Shirley dropped her head into her hands. Why do I even bother? It's like explaining rocket science to a toddler. "I mean, Laverne is very vulnerable when it comes to men. Lenny is wrong to be taking advantage of that."

"He's not taking advantage," Squiggy insisted. "He's got a real thing for Laverne. I know, I know, it's crazy. She'd rather date her father than dumb old Lenny...."

"Ew!" Shirley exclaimed.

"You know what I mean. You oughta tell her to do the right thing and let him down hard now, instead of later when he's all committed and stuff."

"Committed?" Now Shirley was really worried. "Lenny wants to make a commitment to Laverne? Already?"

Squiggy covered his ears, signaling Shirley that her voice was rising into the "shrill" range. "Ow. And yeah. You should see what he's buying her for Christmas."
"Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, no." Shirley shook her head. "It's too soon! You have to make him understand that, Squiggy." She grasped his shoulders.

Squiggy wriggled a little, but not hard enough to escape. "I can't make him see nothing no more. All he sees is Laverne. Laverne in his dreams. Laverne in the face of the moon. Laverne on top of his burnt toast."

"Well. That was almost poetic."

"Thanks." Squiggy shrugged. "Look, I gotta go and stuff. Just try and talk Laverne into not hurting Lenny, okay? He's had enough of that."

Shirley regarded him in silence. There was a flicker of something in his eyes that she was unaccustomed to seeing. Could it be - sincerity? He's really worried, she mused. How oddly selfless of Squiggy. "Why don't you and Lenny come to our apartment later. Say around eight?"

His expression changed to a much more familiar leer. "Yes!"

"No," she said firmly. "Just to help us trim our Christmas tree. I'll arrange for Laverne to have a nice, frank chat with Lenny before he gets his hopes way up into the stratosphere."

"Too late for that." But he nodded. "Okay, we'll see you then." With a half-hearted wave, he turned away. "You know, you're a pretty good egg, Shirley Feeney." Then he strolled off toward the automotive department.

"You're not entirely rotten yourself," Shirley murmured. She quickly glanced around to make sure no one had overheard her, then rushed over to Laverne to warn her that Lenny had gone clear round the bend.

***

"So, what time is it?" asked Lenny for like the hundredth time in a row.

Squiggy clenched his teeth, resisting the urge to lob the gift he was wrapping into Lenny's kisser. "It's. Six. Oh. Five. Which is exactly five minutes later than the last time you asked me."

"Oh. Sorry." He finished fluffing the little bow on top of Laverne's package. "How's it look? Is it festive enough?" He stared at the newspaper wrapped in red ribbon and frowned. "We should've splurged on wrapping paper."

"What do you think we are, the Rockafellas? Besides, what's the point? It just gets ripped off and thrown in the garbage." Squiggy glared at his present. The tape wasn't even. Shirley was bound to catch that, the way she noticed everything else that was out-of-place or awkward. Not that he cared, of course.

Except he did.

He must have been frowning on the outside again, because Lenny crawled over and sat down next to him. "Squig, what's the matter with you this year? I mean, I know Christmas gives you lots of bad memories..."

"That it does, Len. That it does." He pointedly stared at his shoes.

"But you seem extra special out of sorts this time. Come on, spill it. Maybe I can help."

Squiggy bit back a retort. He knew Lenny really just wanted to be helpful, but it made him feel all girly inside to talk about stuff. He took a deep breath, and said, "It's nothing, really. I'm just tired from all those extra shifts at work, is all."

Lenny put a hand on his forearm. "Squig."

Squiggy squirmed. "You know me too dang well." He sought a response that would get Lenny off his back without hurting his feelings. After all, the big lug's feelings were gonna get a good stomping from Laverne later on, no matter how gently she let him down. He searched his thoughts and came up with a likely story. "It's Shirley Feeney. She's why I'm sad."

"Shirley?" Lenny sounded confused. "What's she got to do with anything?"

Squiggy cleared his throat and looked up at Lenny. "Well, I kinda got a little, you know, thing for her. But I know it is hopelessly unrequired." Was that the word? Whatever. It's not like he meant any of it.

"Oh," said Lenny, nodding wisely. "I should've known. You've been a lot less yourself whenever she's around."

Wonder what he means by that? "Uh, yeah. Well, she don't like me being myself, so I've been trying to be different. Better. But she don't care."

"How do you know? Have you talked to her about it?"

"Are you kidding?" Boy, Len was a dope. "How would I do that? 'Hey, Shirl, how's it going? I know you think I'm sub-scum, but I like you so let's go out. Wait, ow, quit hitting me.'" He smirked, but his insides felt tight and hurty all of a sudden.

Lenny gave him a gentle punch in the shoulder. "Stop it. You're always so down on yourself. Since Carmine's moved on to that hot divorced chick, I bet she'd welcome some attention."

"Yeah, like that'll last. You know as well as I do Carmine'll be back as soon as that Lucille dumps him for the next gigolo." Hey, that wouldn't be a bad gig. Gigolo. He could put out for a gal with that much dough, and she was pretty easy on the eyes. He pictured the willowy blonde for a moment, but then a shorter, darker female pushed the image out of his head.

Giving his head a brisk shake, Squiggy added, "Shirley wouldn't look at me sideways as far as boyfriend material."

"And why not?" Lenny gave him a knowing grin. "The same could've been said about me and Laverne a short time ago, and look at us now."

That was it. The straw landed and broke the camel's back. Squiggy stood up and waved his arms, shouting, "Wake up, man! You can't be this delirious! Laverne ain't anymore interested in you than Shirley could be in me. We ain't their types, we ain't nobody's types! We're a couple of bums on the fast track to nowhere, and if we're lucky, some floozies might give us a tumble if we get them drunk enough! That's all we got to look forward to, Len. Don't you get it?"

Lenny stared at him, open-mouthed, until he was finished. Then he snapped his jaw shut and stood up slowly. Gee, he really is a tall man, Squiggy noted with a sudden flash of concern.

Glaring down at him, Lenny said, "You're an idiot."

"Finally!" Squiggy exclaimed. "He understands."

"No. I don't mean that anything you just said is right. It's not. I mean, you're an idiot because you wreck yourself before anyone else can. That's why you're alone, Squig."

"I ain't alone. You're standing right here."

"Yeah, I know...that's not what I mean! You don't have a girl not because they don't like you, but because you don't like you."

Squiggy blinked up at him. "I like me fine. I'm one of my best friends."

"No, no you're not." Lenny rested his hands on his shoulders. Squiggy looked up into his best friend's wide blue eyes and felt like a five-year-old again. He flashed back to his kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Williams, telling him, "Oh, Andy. You have so much potential. It's a shame your circumstances are so poor. What a waste." He hadn't exactly understood her meaning at the time, but the words had stayed with him.

"I'm broke. I got a dead-end job any monkey could do."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, but you know it's true." Squiggy cleared his throat. "I'm dumb and I'm rude and I ain't the handsomest man in the world. My role models for how men and women act are a guy who ran out on my family like a hundred times and a woman who locked me in the closet when she wanted to have some sherry in the kitchen." His eyes were stinging. He opened them as wide as possible to dry them out.

Lenny frowned. "Stop it already," he said without any anger. "See, this is exactly what I mean. You got plenty to offer a girl, yeah, even a girl like Shirley. You ain't ugly...."

"I never said I was ugly," Squiggy corrected. "Just not the handsomest."

"Right, gotcha. Well, you ain't, but you're not too bad. You've got street smarts, and I'd take that any day over boring book learning. You're pretty funny when you're rude. And," he added with a little smile. "You know what not to do in a relationship."

"You mean that thing with the tongue?"

"Uh, no. I mean, you know how to treat a lady because you've seen the wrong way and you know it was wrong." Lenny squeezed his shoulder gently. "It's kind of an advantage, if you look at it right."

Squiggy thought about it. Lenny had a point, bless his hollow little head. It made his stomach twist to think about hurting a woman the way his father had hurt mom. He tried to picture Shirley, all straggly and broken inside, crying over a bottle of cooking sherry in her robe and fuzzy slippers. No, no way in hell would he ever let that happen.

Wait a minute. Shirley? That was just a story, something to tell Lenny. He didn't want to date Shirley. That would be...wouldn't it?

Squiggy grinned. "You really think guys like us got a shot with girls like them?"

"Yeah," said Lenny, and this time his confidence wasn't so irksome. "I do."

Squiggy nodded, mostly to himself. He playfully jabbed Lenny in the stomach and said, "Stupid idiot."

"Me too, Squig," said the big guy, shoving him back. "Me, too."

***

Lenny and Squiggy arrived right at 8 o'clock. If nothing else, Shirley appreciated their promptness. Carmine was almost always late when he came over, the excuses ranging from class running late to last-minute warm-ups before a boxing match. She shook her head. I have to stop thinking about him! What's done is done. Time to move on.

She opened the front door and Squiggy proclaimed, "Hello."

"Hi, boys. Won't you come in?" She watched them stride in. Lenny had a little box in his hand, neatly wrapped in newspaper and a red ribbon. Squiggy's box was much bigger and sloppily put together. She took the gifts with a brief smile and set them under the Christmas tree in the corner of the apartment.

"Where's Laverne?" asked Lenny, flopping down on the sofa.

"She's...she'll be right out." Shirley couldn't bring herself to say that Laverne was still primping in back. Her friend had changed outfits three times and was fussing over her hair and makeup like Fabian was dropping by.

Her words of warning regarding Lenny's feelings hadn't had the impact Shirley'd expected. Instead, Laverne's eyes had lit up and she'd started grinning like the Cheshire cat. Shirley had finally tossed her hands in the air and given up. If the girl was crazy enough to think a commitment at this early stage - to Lenny, of all men - was good news, then there was nothing Shirley could do to save her.

I should apologize to Squiggy, Shirley thought, idly noticing that his black tie went rather nicely with his unusually clean white shirt under his leather jacket. Wait, why do I care about his opinion? I must be dizzy from the scent of almost-pine in the air! She fluffed the branches of their small, fake tree and said, "Would you boys like something to drink?"

"Beer," said Squiggy. Lenny jabbed him in the ribs. "I mean, a couple of beers would be nice, please."

That was almost human. Shirley arched an eyebrow in his direction and said, "Coming right up."

They were halfway finished their bottles before Laverne came out of the bedroom. Shirley had to admit, she looked lovely. Her hair was sprayed into neat, puffy curls and her makeup accentuated her beautiful green eyes and full lips. Her sparkly, deep green dress was freshly pressed and hugged every curve. Maybe a little racy for a Christmas gathering, Shirley thought, but certainly an attention-grabber.

Lenny stood up slowly, one hand pressed against his chest. "Wow," he breathed. "Wow, wow, wow."

"That all you got to say?" Laverne asked, spinning around to give him a better view.

"You look like a actress," said Lenny. "A really great looking one."

She smiled and curtseyed. "Thank you sir. You don't look so bad yourself."

Squiggy harrumphed. "There are other people in the room."

"Yes indeed there are," Shirley agreed. "Laverne, would you like anything?"

"No, thanks. Don't want to smear my lipstick." Lenny licked his lips and sat back down. Squeezing between Lenny and Squiggy, Laverne looked at him and whispered, "Not until later, anyway."

"Oh, brother," groaned Squiggy. He scooted closer to the chair in which Shirley sat and rolled his eyes at her. She rolled hers back in understanding.

The rest of the evening passed just as awkwardly, as least for Shirley. Lenny and Laverne made goo-goo eyes and dropped inappropriate innuendoes, while she and Squiggy struggled to ignore them and make small talk. She was surprised to find that Squiggy was a big fan of her favorite actress, Deborah Kerr, albeit for very different reasons. She also learned that one of his father's many jobs included longshoreman, same as her father. Most shocking of all was that over an hour and a half passed before she realized that she'd been chatting with Andrew Squigman - and enjoying it.

A little perturbed, Shirley stood up abruptly and clapped her hands. "Attention, everyone!"

"Who's everyone? It's just us, Shirl." Laverne giggled and looked at Lenny, who chuckled with her.

Shirley pressed her lips together. "I know that...never mind. It's time to open the presents."

"What, on Christmas eve? That ain't right," said Laverne.

"Well, not all of them, Laverne. Just the ones we got for each other, since we won't be together in the morning." She said the last staring straight into Lenny's eyes.

"It's okay, Laverne," said Lenny, standing up and walking over to the tree. He picked up his small box and carried it back to the sofa. "I can't wait anyway." He plunked down beside Laverne and handed her the box. "Ta-da!"

Laverne took it, cradling it in her palm as though it might explode. "Oh, Len," she breathed. "When Shirley said...I didn't think...I mean, this is awfully sudden."

Lenny shrugged and grinned. "Merry Christmas, Laverne."

Shirley watched, dumbfounded. He wasn't even going to get down on one knee? Where was the big speech, the declaration of love? As far as proposals went, this was weak, very weak. Yet Laverne didn't seem to care. She pulled off the ribbon and tore off the newspaper, then flipped open the small box inside. And stared. Stared some more. Then her smile faded. Laverne looked up at Lenny and said, "So what's this supposed to be?"

Uh, oh, thought Shirley. Was the ring that tiny?

"It's supposed to be a keychain. I had it personally ground out for you in Pfister's automotive department. See, it's a little L...."

"Yeah, I can see that." She pulled out the little silver keychain and held it aloft.

"And I know you like things with L's." Lenny's smile faded. "You do like it, right?"

"Sure." She bit her lower lip, then put a smile back on her face. "What's not to like?"

Shirley could see her friend's eyes shimmering from across the room. She grabbed Squiggy by the sleeve and yanked him out of the living room. "We'll be right back," she called in her most carefree voice. "I just have to ask Squiggy something...over here!"

"What? What? Why are you pulling me places?" Squiggy whined as she nearly tossed him into the bedroom. He looked around and grinned. "Oh."

"No!" Shirley smacked him on the shoulder like a naughty pup. "So what was all that about Lenny making a commitment, hm?"

"Well, what do you call that?" He pointed toward the living room. "He gave her a personal shiny present."

"What do I call that? I'll tell you what I call that. I call that something to hang her keys on, not a symbol of undying love!"

Squiggy blinked rapidly. "Who said anything about undying love?"

"You did," she said through gritted teeth. "Or at least that's what you led me to believe. I thought Lenny was going to give Laverne a ring."

He looked baffled. "Like as in engagement?"

"Yes!"

"Well, why would he do that, woman? They ain't even gone on an official date yet!"

Shirley flung her head back and resisted the urge to scream. "I know that. That was the point of me warning Laverne, wasn't it? All that talk about not breaking Lenny's heart, because he was rushing into a commitment?"

"Geeze, not that much of a commitment! I mean, he wants to go with her, steady and all. Married...sheesh! I can't believe you thought that." Squiggy shook his head.

"I'm not the only one who thought it," said Shirley. She buried her face in her hands.

"What...oh. Oh, no, that's what you told Laverne? That Len was gonna propose?" Squiggy smacked himself in the forehead. "Aw, man!" He considered for a moment. "Wait, then why was she all prettied up and happy. You don't mean - she was okay with that?" He looked stunned.

"She was a lot more okay with it than she had a right to be." Shirley sank down on the edge of her bed, suddenly exhausted. "Not that she was going to accept. She was going to let him down easy, but suggest they just go out for awhile and see what happened from there. But she really liked the idea that he cared that much about her."

"Wow," said Squiggy. "That's sort of dumb...but sweet."

"Except now Lenny didn't propose and she's all disappointed." Shirley let her hands fall into her lap. "I should never have said anything to Laverne. I should have left her in blissful ignorance and then she would have been thrilled by that stupid keychain and...darn it all!"

"Watch your language," said Squiggy.

"I did."

"Oh. Right. It's just coming from you...."

"I feel awful, just awful." Tears filled Shirley's eyes, and one escaped down her cheek. "I messed everything up."

Squiggy looked around the room as though seeking an escape route. Finally, he said, "Look, stop that with the waterworks." He patted her on the top of the head. "You didn't do nothing wrong. I'm the one who should of kept his big yap shut. I just wanted to keep Len from getting his heart stomped, but I just made it worse. As usual."

Shirley wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Fine, so we both should have butted out. But we didn't. The question is, what do we do now?"

Squiggy drummed his chin with his index finger. "What, indeed."

***

By the time they came out of the girls' bedroom, Laverne and Lenny were sitting as far across the room from each other as possible. Squiggy figured this was to keep each other from going deaf, considering how loud they were yelling.
"Well I'm sorry, Len, but a keychain? Not exactly the most romantic gift I ever got," Laverne proclaimed.

"It's an L!" Lenny cried, throwing his arms wide open. "You stick L's on everything. You love L's!"

"What does that have to do with anything? Boy, you get your hopes up." She folded her arms and turned her back to Lenny.

"I...I...." Lenny looked to Squiggy, eyes pleading for support. "Squig, help me understand this. I give a beautiful present to the woman and she practically shoves it back down my throat."

"It is shiny," Squiggy confirmed. Shirley shoved him and he turned around and shoved her back. Then he remembered his conversation with her and returned his attention to Lenny. "But, you know, maybe you ought to tell her the rest of what you were gonna tell her when you gave her that trinket."

"No," said Lenny, crossing his arms and turning away, all huffy. "I don't feel like it now."

"It doesn't matter anyway," snarled Laverne. "He can forget it, whatever it was."

"It's forgotten," said Lenny.

"Fine," said Laverne.

"Good."

"Terrific."

"Great."

"Will you two stop it!" exclaimed Shirley. She stomped into the center of the room and glared at Lenny and Laverne in turn. "Don't you see that this is all just a misunderstanding? Laverne, you're disappointed and Lenny...well, you're just clueless."

"Yeah, she's right," said Squiggy, walking over to stand by Shirley's side. "The two of yous need to have a conversation. Without the screaming though, cause you're making my ears ache."

"What could we possibly have to discuss?" Laverne sniffed. "Our relationship. Our future?"

"That was the plan," said Lenny, "until you went insane."

"Me?" Laverne whirled around to face Lenny, who spun to confront her at the same time. Shirley inserted her petite frame in between the two, her hands pressed against their stomachs to hold them back. Over her head, Laverne cried, "I thought you were serious about this, Len. I thought I meant something to you, that I was important."

"You are!" Lenny cried. "You're everything to me. I can't fall asleep without thinking about you and I can't get through the day without hearing you laugh. I want to take you everywhere, do everything with you. Only you."

The room fell silent. Shirley released Lenny and Laverne and stepped out from between them. She stood by Squiggy's shoulder. He felt her arm brushing against his and the gentle touch made his insides feel all squishy. Before he knew what he was doing, he'd slid his hand into hers. Even stranger, she didn't slap it away.

Laverne looked up at Lenny, eyes so wide Squiggy feared they might pop out of her skull. "Wait. You do?"

"Yes." Lenny put his arms around her and drew Laverne close. "Don't you know how crazy I am about you?"

"But...a keychain," was all she said.

"Well, what did you expect, a ring?" Lenny tossed his head back and laughed. A moment later, he realized he was the only one in the room doing that. "Hold on a sec. You thought I was gonna give you a ring? As in an...."

Laverne nodded, her chin trembling. Lenny just stared at her. Then he slowly turned to face Squiggy, blue eyes narrowing. "Why would you think I'd be giving you a ring so soon, Laverne?" he asked, his eyes drilling into Squiggy's.

Squiggy swallowed hard, and took a small step behind Shirley. Shirley straightened her shoulders and said, "Don't blame him, Lenny. Squiggy confided in me and I misunderstood. Then I shared my misunderstanding with Laverne. I thought she needed to be prepared, because you were rushing into things and she'd want to let you down easy. However," and Shirley's bravado slipped as a sob crept into her voice. "I was just plain wrong."

Squiggy took a deep breath and stepped back in front of Shirley. "Nah, it's all me, Len. I just figured Laverne would laugh in your face for wanting to go steady so soon, so I gave Shirl the heads up. I told her that it was to protect you but the truth is, I was jealous. Jealous and stupid and I shouldn't have stuck my nose in your business and I'm sorry." He ran out of air and stopped.

Lenny let his head drop and he sighed. Then he returned his attention to Laverne. "So. Is this the way you let a guy down easy?"

Laverne chuckled, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Len. I guess I just liked the idea of a whirlwind proposal from you. I know we're really, really far from ready for that. I just got my hopes up, that's all."

"I promise you Laverne, when the day comes that I do propose, I'll give you a lot more than a keychain L."

"Ah, Len." Laverne fell into his arms and hugged him.

"The keychain'll have a diamond in it."

Laverne punched him in the stomach. He made a loud, "oof!" but then she hugged him again and a big, dopey grin lit up Lenny's face. Squiggy felt Shirley squeeze his hand and he turned and smiled at her.

Then their eyes met.

Shirley's face, always sort of pale, went a shade or too into the albino range. Squiggy felt heat in his cheeks and the urge to yank his hand away and say something snide was intense. He opened his mouth to let it out, but something made him bite his tongue instead. I'm not gonna be a jerk this time, he decided. If she wants to cut me off at the knees, fine, but I ain't gonna do it first.

Shirley cleared her throat. "So, Andrew. Would you like another beer?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, sure, why not."

Shirley pulled her hand away from his, but she did it real slow-like. Her slender fingers brushed his as they released. She gave him a wink and then turned and sauntered into the kitchen.

He plunked down on the sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table. He glanced over at Lenny and Laverne, still wrapped up in each other in the corner. The Christmas tree twinkled behind them and Squiggy realized for the first time that this was a really, really shiny time of year.

--END--