Pretty Paper
Part Five
By Missy

SERIES: Pretty Paper
PART: 5 of ??
RATING: PG-13 (Adult themes and materials)
PAIRING(s): Rhonda/Squiggy; Lenny/Laverne; Eddie Izzard/Shirley (Hold the questions a bit, just hold onto them ;-)
DISTRIBUTION: To LW, Kai, Myself and FG so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine. Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"

Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!
CATEGORY: Drama
FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!
SETTING IN TIMELINE: Post-Playing The Roxie. AU cannon after that.
SPOILLER/SUMMARY: Squiggy's Lodge gives him a birthday gift that he'll never forget, while Laverne and Lenny meet a man whose unusual behavior makes an impression on Shirley.
NOTES: Started a week before Chesyre's birthday. Squiggy as a hero is so rarely done.

The idea of strippers being raffled off to members of a lodge or fraternity is possibly an urban legend, but I got it from the painfully antiquated "Things You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask". Be happy I edited out the part about the donkey ;-)


Eddie Izzard is a cross-dressing British comedian. I am not transporting him to the '50's through some magical timewarp, nor is the overtly AU or Magicfic. Instead I've composited a lot of Eddie's RL behavior and attitudes and stuff from his routines and placed him within the '50's backdrop of repressive Milwaukee. So it's sort of RP AU fic. No snideness. Send me questions if you have them. In the words of Mister Izzard: "Good, I hope you're coming along with this".

This fic was beta-tested by Ande, for your protection!

***

For Cheshyre,
On the occasion of her birthday,
For forgiving me for starting that whole Matt/Jeff Hardy incest ball rolling.

****

By the time Saturday rolled around, Laverne was nervous enough to beg Lenny to accompany her to the Pizza Bowl for Rhonda's interview. Shirley had disappeared early in the morning with Eddie, leaving a note announcing that they were going to a park.

Lenny could be like a fine wire; some currents of energy he could blissfully ignore. The tension in Laverne seemed to tap into his sensitivity, and he asked her in the middle of their walk what was bothering her.

"Len, do you think Rhonda's really ready for a straight, nine to five job?"

"I don't know." He admitted.

"It's important that I can trust her." Laverne nibbled her lip. "My Pop's always bailing out strays that me and Shirl find. That German laundry guy, Carmine..." In a very low voice she added, "you and Squig..."

"Hey, you never bailed out me and Squig; we're always doin' favors for YOU..."

"Never mind. I just don't want Pop's bathroom to end up in the alley."

He had the grace to open up the front door for her, taking her coat as she approached her father.

Frank DeFazio stood behind the Pizza Bowl's counter, muttering to himself as he scratched something off of the books. He didn't look up as he said, "Muffin, you got a minute? I need someone to go to the grocery and get a pound a tomatoes. The supplier didn't come through..."

"Uh, yeah, Pop. But first, I got a favor to ask."

"What is it? You need money for the rent?"

"No, it's a bigger problem."

His eyes widened. "I thought you was gonna be a good girl, Laverne..."

"POP!" she cried. "No, oh no. I ain't in trouble!"

"Okay, so it ain't money and it ain't about you. You're askin' a favor. It's Shirley. She's in trouble? I'll kill Carmine. I'll find the botcha-"

"No, Pop...I got a friend."

"Another friend?"

"Yeah, she's a friend of Squiggy's..."

"Squiggy!" He growled. "He owes me a salami!"

Laverne shrank at the sound of her Pop's voice. "Squiggy met a girl named Rhonda. She's been workin' the street, and she wants to get a good straight job. She seems like a nice girl. I can't send her back to her pimp, Pop..."

His eyes widened, and Laverne slammed a palm over her mouth. "You're hangin' out with whores now?"

"Pop! She's a nice girl. If you'd just meet her..." She tiled her head. "Come on, for me? For yer Muffin?"

He threw up his hands. "Fine, I'll listen to her. But I ain't promising her a job until then."

At that moment, Rhonda entered the room. Laverne saw Lenny's posture straighten.

"That's where the rent went to." He muttered, glaring at the modest lawn skirt and blouse Rhonda wore. She was a vision of innocence as she smiled and bowed her voice low and sweet, the light reflecting through the cotton-candy of her blonde hair, making it look a halo.

"Hello. Are you mister DeFazio? I'm here to see you about a waitressing job."

***

Shirley tilted her toes toward the bright blue sky. It was an endlessly beautiful day, peaceful and warm. The sensation of it all took her back to playing on the streets with Laverne.

Eddie was beside her, lying flat in the swing, his hand flat on his stomach. He had come to her early in the morning, dressed in a plain white shirt and jeans, old Oxfords on his feet. The ornamentation of his cross-dressing was subtle, but there; his eyelashes were more prominent than they had been the evening before, his cheeks a bit more ruddy, as well. The effect gave him the psychological satisfaction without having to worry about putting her in the path of some closed-minded thug.

Shirley felt the temptation to ask him why he had chosen to come to her this way, but she knew from the radically different way she had seen him on Thursday and Friday that he might show up in a tu-tu the next day, for all she knew.

Why was she even thinking of the next day with him? He would be shipping out soon enough.

"Penny for your thoughts." She said, deciding not to let her own confusion ruin the day.

"My thoughts are worth half a quid today." He said laconically. "My fleet is shipping out this Monday."

She frowned. "But Fleet Week's not up until Thursday..."

"We were called to active duty. Someone's made a threat on the Falklands, and the Queen won't have her it. We need to keep it safe for strategies sheep purposes, of course."

"I thought you liked the sea."

"Tisn't the sea that's my trouble. Being a transvestite on a ship filled with very, very mentally straight men would be it."

She hadn't thought of that. "I guess you wouldn't be able to wear makeup...but would that be such a large crime?"

His glance shot daggers at her. "You know that this is part of me, Shirley. It's one of the few ways I can feel true freedom with myself, with my body."

"Do you want to be a girl, Eddie?"

He sat up, abruptly. "No. I just want to dress up like one, now and again. Haven't you ever wanted the freedom of being a boy?"

Shirley thought for a moment. She had dressed as a man more than once; as a doctor, in the hope of getting into her sealed birth records, and in Squiggy's clothing to get her name off of the wall of Vinny's Pool Hall. It had been comfortable if not exciting, and maybe if she hadn't been so afraid in both instances she would have had time to consider it. Both outfits certainly gave her more command than she had ever possessed.

"It gave me authority. The people I met had confidence in me, and they didn't feel the need to censure their words around me. I've never been treated that way before."

He smiled. "Some days, I dress as a woman to be treated as a lady is. You get a level of respect I'll never acquire."

"It's not respect. It's called looking down on someone for being feeble and small." Her jaw locked. "Carmine used to talk down to me that way. He treated me like a lady, mostly, but then some days I would swear that he was treating me like a lobotomy patient."

"Ever wondered how the other half lives, Shirley?"

She shrugged. "I hadn't thought of it, until now."

"How do you feel about tonight? You and me."

"What are you asking me?"

"To come out with me; I'll dress as a girl, you'll go as a fella." His gaze nailed her to the ground as he began to swing lazily. "You can turn me down now."

"Lend me your suit."

The steel in her voice surprised him. "Pardon?"

"I'm only a little shorter than you. I'll roll up the pantlegs."

"I don't believe it." He increased the momentum of the swing.

"What?"

"You've stunned me."

"I think I'm proud of that." She watched him rocket past.

"It means that I've underestimated you for the first time. I'm duly ashamed."

"It's a long walk back to your hotel."

He leapt off of the swing at it's highest arc, landing gracefully on his feet. "True. We should start now."

***

"One medium with pepperoni, a pitcher of Shotz, and three bendy-straws." She slapped down her pad on the counter. "After this, I go on my break."

Frank barely looked up from the pizza he was construction. "Good, you've been working all night." It was ten now, almost closing time, and he had hired her at noon.

"I'm a very hard worker, Sir." She said, boasting lightly while trying to make her voice sound as drained as it could.

He nodded. "I notice." He dusted his hands. "Go, sit with your friends."

Rhonda wiped her greasy hands against the apron before joining Squiggy with the pizza and beer. She did look tired, but triumph glittered in her eyes.

"You're doin' good." She had noticed that he hadn't lifted his gaze from her traveling form since the shift had started.

"It's better than what I did before." She smiled ruefully. "The children will love it when I bring home my tips. Maybe we'll be able to have the hot water put back on."

Squiggy's eyes widened and he said, horrified, "you have kids?"

Her cloudy eyes suddenly snapped to clarity. "I'm sorry. When I'm at work, I like to pretend I'm in a movie. When I worked the streets, I was Elizabeth Taylor in "Butterfield 8", and now I'm in 'Stella Dallas'."

This logic didn't penetrate Squiggy's mind. "I don't date chicks with kids! They cramp my style! And I'm scared of 'em, too!"

"Squiggy, there are no children."

Slowly, he calmed down. "Don't do that to me no more."

"I'm sorry. It's how I keep in practice."

"Rhonda...you ain't pretending, are ya? When yer with me?"

Her eyes were brilliant. "The first time I ever came out of it, I was with you in that truck. Some things cannot be pretended."

She then leaned over the table, kissing him with impulsively.

***

Lenny's eyes were steely as the pins tumbled at the end of the alley. It was a strike, but he didn't smile as he flopped down beside Laverne.

"Len, could you smile? Just a little?"

He did for her, but his face then collapsed.

"Okay, Len, you're gonna tell me what's eating you."

"Oh yeah? Or else what?"

"Or else I tickle you."

"You wouldn't dare!"

Her adroit fingers found the sensitive place upon the side of his trunk so swiftly that he was soon a quivering puddle of giggles. "You win!"

"I know." She sat back, allowing him to sit up. "What's wrong, Len?"

"Rhonda. It's gonna be Rhonda til she moves out. You know how hard it is for me and Squig to get the rent together? Well, I got paid this morning, and he took my half, sayin' he was gonna pay the electric bill. I'm guessing that it just showed up on Rhonda's back today."

"How do you know? Maybe they got it at Goodwill?"

"Come on, Laverne!"

She sighed. "Rhonda'll probably pay back what ya owe with her first check."

"Sure, but what about the next time?"

Shocked, she watched Lenny closely. This was the first time she'd ever seen him question Squiggy's authority. "Why are you acting like this, Len?"

"Squig's falling in love, Laverne. Pretty soon they're gonna throw me out of the apartment."

The forlorn tone in her friend's voice sent Laverne's arms around his shoulders. "Squig's gonna want you around."

"No. I know how it goes."

She felt tears drizzling from the tip of his nose to her neck. Their faces were so close together that she could feel the rapid exhalation of his breath.

His eyes were crossed, bleeding tears, and she could feel the heat of his body. It was natural as breathing to kiss him, and so she did, with a sudden passion that seemed to echo in the bowling alley.




TBC

Chapter 4
Chapter 6