SERIES: Pieces of Me

PART: 1 of 1

RATING: PG-13 (adult thematic material, language, adult content)

PAIRING(s): SF/LDF (?); Past SF/CR; LDF/LK (?)

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CATEGORY: Drama

FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!

SETTING IN TIMELINE: Milwaukee-era AU - around season twoish.

SPOILLER/SUMMARY: "Maybe She's Just Pieces of Me You've Never Seen"

NOTES: In the words of Tori Amos, sometimes the girls just like to come...

***

Every Thursday night was the same.

He'd slick back his hair with Olde Fashioned Palmade, buy a carnation from Gussippe the street vendor, put on his favorite tie - the one with the naked girl wrestling a dragon - and walk five flights down to her apartment.

Maybe it was an act of masochism, but it wasn't a complete week if he didn't get to hear one of Laverne DeFazio's patented excuses.

He rapped lightly on the door, hearing a shuffling and a cough - the door peeled back and she stood there, lovely in her mud mask and pink curlers.

"Hi," he said, his voice bright-toned.

"Len!  Whatt're you doing here?"  Panic ruled her tone.

"It a bad time?"

"Uh, no..."

"Laverne?" Shirley called.

"Someone's at the door!" Laverne answered.

"Make them go away!"

Lenny tried to figure out where Shirley's voice was coming from, but couldn't find Miss Feeney anywhere in sight.  "What's goin' on?"

"Nothin, nothin - we're just, uh, practicing for the Shotz Talent Show!"

"Boy, you guy'sre gonna cream me and Squig - you're gonna be six whole months of practice over us."

"Whattya want?" She asked.  He thrust out his wrist automatically.  "Aww, you got me another flower." She took it, pinching the stem between her unpolished pink nails.  "Uh, you don't wanna come in, do you?  'Cause me and Shirl..."

"Nah, nah  -" Her smile showed ready confusion as she tried to shut the door.  His foot wedged against the doorframe, blocking its progress.  "Say, Laverne - you busy tomorrow night?"

"Uhh - I got a date with Ted Nelson.  Sorry, Len."

"Aww!  But they got Godzilla Vs Megalon playing downtown!"

Her hands clutched his wrist.  "Is that the one with the little singing girls and the baby Godzilla?"

"Uh huh."

"Laverne..." A soft voice lilted from somewhere inside the apartment. 

Lenny glanced over Laverne's shoulder - Shirley stood in their kitchen, wearing a black, lacy nightgown.  He could almost see through it in the dim candlelight illuminating the room.  Shirley had never been his type, and Lenny didn't care very much to see her half-naked.  "Hey, Shirl."

The brunette's mouth formed a large, round red o, and she began to shriek, hiding behind the refrigerator door.

Laverne gently pushed Lenny out of the apartment, closing the door behind her and protecting Shirley.

"I didn't make her mad, did I, Vernie?"

"Nah - that's my job," Laverne joked.  Her expression turned reluctant.  "Sorry about Saturday - I'm gonna be busy.  But if you ain't doing nothing after church on Sunday, I got time."

"Oh boy!  Is it a date?"

"Sure!  I'll pay for the popcorn and everything."  Laverne rubbed the left side of her neck and her hand came away streaked with red - drier and creamier than blood. 

"How'd you get lipstick back there?"

"Uh - I was tired when I put on my makeup this morning."

"Okay!  Aww, that's gonna be swell - thanks, Laverne!"

"Any time, Len."

"Laverne...." Shirley's voice was a breath of steam in the chilly hallway.

"Commin!" Laverne bellowed back.

 She then closed the door, mindless of his foot. 

The pronounced limp Lenny developed on his way back to the apartment was worth it.  He was whistling when he got to the fifth floor, which drew the attention of glum-looking Carmine as he passed by.

"Whatt're you so happy about?"

Lenny forced himself to react with kindness - Carmine had been especially downtrodden since his latest breakup with Shirley.  That was a strange twist, Lenny realized, as Shirley was usually the one depressed by their unstable relationship.  "Oh, nothin' - I'm just having THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"

"Yeah?  They letting you go dumpster diving behind the Pizza Bowl again?"

"No!  It's Laverne!!  Me and Laverne!  She's finally going out with me!"

Carmine gave Lenny one long, mild stare.  Then he burst into laughter.

Lenny pouted.  "What's so funny?"

"You...Laverne...Date.  On what planet is this taking place, Len?  Mars?"

"No!  It's happening right here on Earth.  Boy, I never thought she'd break down -"

Carmine snorted.  "Break down?  She ain't broken down - and she never will be."

"Whatt're you trying to say?"

"Len, have you ever wondered why me and Shirl never had a real relationship?  Have you ever asked yourself why Laverne's dated every guy in Milwaukee but claims she's still a virgin?"

"No.  They're nice girls, and nice girls don't do stuff that stuff."

Carmine snickered.  "Laverne and Shirley aren't 'nice girls'.  Far from it."

Lenny's mind flashed back to the apartment - to Shirley wearing a negligee.  "Geez, Carmine - I never thought you'd be jealous of Shirl.   'Course, you're usually the one making her crazy, and she's the one finally getting over you - right now she's downstairs working up some romantic setup for some lucky guy.   She told the whole brewery it was your idea to break up this time."

"Jealous of Shirl?  Why the hell would I be jealous of Shirley?  I'm jealous of Laverne!"

Lenny tilted his head, brow furrowing.  "What do you mean?"

"Christ!  I always knew you were slow, but a blind guy could see what's going on!  What's been going on under our noses for years now!"

"Fine, I'm blind!  I don't care what you're getting at anymore - just get out of my way!  I got to get home and pick out what I'm gonna wear on my date with Laverne!"

"You clod!  You ain't goin' out on a date with Laverne - and no guy ever has!"

"What are you - "

"Why do you think me and Shirley broke up this time?  We were doing pretty well - she was opening up more and more with me," Carmine bitterly chuckled.  "Then one day, I swing by her apartment to pick her up for a date and find her making out on the couch with her best friend."

Lenny gaped at Carmine.  "You're lying!"

"She jumps up and starts crying, saying that it was an experiment, that she didn't want things to go that far.  I start yelling at her, started sayin' things I ain't never thought I'd say to a woman.  Then Laverne tells me that it's been like that for a long time - since they were in high school.  That they've been using guys as a cover for the fact that they're in love - IN LOVE, Lenny.  In case you ain't getting what I'm trying to tell you, Shirley and Laverne are dykes!"

In a second, Lenny had Carmine pressed against a wall, his head dangerously close to the spiky, ornate carvings on the electric wall sconces Missus Babbish had recently installed.  "If you don't take back what you just said, I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich."

"If you don't let go of me, you're gonna be on your ass before you can count to five."

Lenny laughed contemptuously.  "You know how long it takes me to get to five?  You'll be on the moon before I get to two! "

"Let me go, Len." 

Slowly, Lenny's fingers released their grip on Carmine's white collar.  The dancer tugged on his shirt, trying to release the pressure on his neck.

"I heard a lot of mean, low things come out of your mouth Carmine, but this has to be the meanest and the lowest."

"The truth tends to be mean and low."

"You're wrong.  I know you're wrong.  You think Fonzie would date a...a..."

"Lesbian?"

"Les Bian?  Who's Les Bian?"

Carmine rolled his eyes.  "I'm just giving you a friendly warning, Len.  I thought you deserved one,

'cause it's more than Shirley gave me."

"I don't need no one to warn me."

Carmine straightened his back.  "You can call me a liar, but think about it - take in what you know about the girls and break it down in your mind.  You know that it's the only thing that really makes sense."

"Don't you got some rich widow to swindle?"

Carmine's expression darkened into something sadder, forbidding.  "Yeah.  Guess I got a whole life of rich widows ahead of me."

"Yeah, ain't you lucky.  I gotta get home, if you'll excuse me."

Lenny pushed Carmine - surprisingly, the boxer fell back and away.  Lenny didn't look behind him until he re-entered his empty apartment and had nothing but the silence of his mind as a comfort.

Could Carmine really be that vindictive?  Would he spread ugly rumors about the woman he had called 'Angelface' for years, just to get even for an imagined transgression?

Or worse yet - was he telling the truth?

Nah,  Lenny dismissed the idea with a shrug of his shoulders.  Carmine was notoriously jealous about other guys dating Shirley, and he had probably figured out that she had a new steady.  Lenny had years of evidence on his side - not to mention hope.   He grinned sunnily and flopped onto his back in the bottom bunk, still unable to believe that lady luck had finally decided to favor him, and that his biggest dream was finally going to come true...