AUTHOR: Missy

EMAIL: lasfic@yahoo.com

PART: 3 of  5

RATING:  PG-13 (thematic material; possible eventual NC-17)

PAIRING(s): L/L

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CATEGORY: Romance

FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!

SETTING IN TIMELINE: California - alternate for Mummy's Bride, and canon right up to Lenny's mock-proposal.

SPOILLER/SUMMARY: Laverne takes Lenny's final proposal far more seriously than he intended.  When Laverne's mock-wedding starts to take on way more meaning than she intended, Shirley begins to question the validity of her rushed nuptials to Doctor Walter Meaney.

NOTES: From something Kath told me about the proposal scene.

***

Carmine Ragusa's usually bold frame shrunk back, making him seem truly squat in his fancy hotel robe.  "What're the two of you..."

Laverne heaved an irritated sigh, but before she could complete her sentence Lenny surfaced, pulling himself free of the pool and shuddering in the slightly cooler air.  "Hey, Carmine!" he said, his voice bright and filled with a sharpness that was unfamiliar to Laverne.  He frowned at their friend over his fiancée’s shoulder.   "One of the mackerels ask you up for a drink?"

Carmine's expression showed the nominal disgust he usually felt for Lenny.  "No, I'm here with..."

Laverne's eyebrow went up.  "With who?" 

He shrunk back a little, perhaps remembering what a big container of cold juice felt like cascading down his pants.  "A friend."

Looking him up and down, Laverne's irritation presented itself verbally.  "What's her name, Carmine?" she snapped.

Carmine frowned.  "How do you know it's a she?"

"I've known you since we were little kids, and when you lie your lip twitches," she smirked as Carmine grabbed at his vibrating lip.  "How could you do this to Shirl?"

"She don't know," Carmine insisted, holding his face.  "Laverne, don't tell her, please."

Biting her lower lip to hold back news of Walter, Laverne glowered at her old friend.  It was Lenny's voice that echoed her thoughts.  "Why shouldn't she?  Don't Shirley got a right to know her guy's stepping out on her?"

"Because..."  Carmine collapsed onto a deck chair, sighing mightily.  "I'm doing this for her."

"Who're you doing?" Lenny asked, leaning in for the good word.  "Ann-Margaret?  Jane Fonda?"

Carmine sighed again, looking at the pool instead of Laverne's eyes.  "Her name's Careen MacDermott."

"Careen..." Lenny savored the name in his mouth.  "Ain't she that big time casting agent with Paramount?"  Carmine nodded.  "Ain't she eight hundred years old?"

Carmine laughed.  "Yeah," he shook his head to stop himself.  "She's casting around for the lead in this big new biopic on Rocky Marciano.  She's been seeing everyone from Warren Beatty to Paul Newman and Steve McQueen," Carmine's expression showed some small amount of shame as he added, "I figured if I piled on the ol' Ragusa charm, she might pick me."

Laverne was rendered speechless in her anger, for she knew what Carmine considered the Ragusa charm - more accurately, the Ragusa charms.  No wonder Shirley was rushing her wedding to Walter - Carmine had been out of town for two weeks, and he apparently planned on staying as long as it took to accomplish the mission!  Her icy green eyes said everything, and Carmine continued his speech with eyes downcast.  "I ain't lying - I'm doing all of this for her.   Shirley's been waiting for a ring for a real long time.  How many years is she gonna sit around and hope I'll get my act together?"

"Six months, minus two weeks," Lenny muttered.

"Shut up," Laverne muttered, but Carmine was so lost in his reverie that he didn't hear her admonishment. 

"I gotta make a big score," he squared his shoulders and added, "this is the best way to do it."

"By hooking?"

Carmine winced at Laverne's direct choice of words.  "It ain't hooking. Carrine's a nice, old broad."

"Underline 'old'," Lenny concluded.

"...I only gotta put up with Careen for a little while longer.  Next week, she's gonna decide who'll play Rocky," he rubbed his hands together.  "then, I'll take my first check, buy a ring and pop the question."  Carmine's husky laugh, which at the very least usually amused Laverne, this time made every nerve in her body stand on end.

"What else is Carrine giving you?" she wondered, looking at the plush robe and seeing the glimmer of a ruby ring on his hand.  They met eyes and he had the decency to look away and blush.  She crossed her arms primly and shook her head.

"That look don't work on me.  You ain't Shirley."

Laverne narrowed her eyes.  "You think she'd be happy that you're running around with some girl for some lousy money?"

"You know the rules; she's allowed to date other people..."

"I already know the speil, Carmine," Laverne snapped.  "I thought things were different now."

"You kidding me?  It costs twice as much to buy a diamond here as it did in Milwaukee!"

Laverne moaned and rubbed her temples as she desperately resisted the urge to clean Carmine's clock until common sense returned to his noodle. 

Lenny voiced her thoughts once more.  "D'you take one too many punches to the head?  Shirl'll kill you if she finds out you got the money for her ring by playing around with a mummy girl!"

"Caarrr -mine!"

The shrill sound of a heavy Swedish accent caused all three friends to spin around and face the open doorway leading into the pool area.  "I gotta go - you don't wanna hear what she sounds like when she's really excited...You gonna be a pal, Laverne?"

Her eyes darkened.  "You gonna get back in town by the end of the week?"

"I swear - I'll roll around in fish to get the right stink and everything."

The wheels in Laverne's mind churned as she calculated the days, realizing that if Carmine kept his word, he would have plenty of time to talk Shirley out of marrying Walter.  She relaxed perceptibly.   "Okay.  I won't let on.  But you gotta see Shirl when you get home, first thing." 

"Yeah, okay," Carmine muttered, as Careen let loose with another ear-shattering shriek.  Like a mouse, he walked back in the direction of the older woman's voice.

There was an indescribable chill in Laverne's bones as she and Lenny walked companionably back to his truck.  They plodded through the muddy side-streets leading back to the smooth pavement of the interstate, Lenny whistling obliviously.  It grated her nerves and convinced Laverne to shut him out.  Isolated, her mind churned in vain against the fact that Carmine was cheating on Shirley - yet again - and that Shirley was marrying another man she probably didn't love and barely knew.

The endless confusion her friends had mired themselves in made her dizzy.  Damn it, why couldn't they be honest and spare each other all of that heartache...

"You want dinner?"

She looked up abruptly.  "I ain't thought about food for hours."

Her words must have come out harshly, because he winced.  "Geez, you don't got to bite me on the melons." He grinned.  "Unless you want to."

"Lenny!" she snarled.

His face fell a little.  "You don't want one of those sexless marriages, do you?  'Cause I'm kinda potent, and I need..."

She rolled her eyes.  "I could go for something.  Ain't there a diner a couple of miles up the road?"

He beamed at her proudly.  "I saw it when we passed, too.  See, we make a good team!"

She rolled her eyes again and huffed in frustration.

Once they reached the diner Lenny went into gentleman mode, helping her out of the car and over a mud puddle forming in a large pothole on the dirt lot.  It had begun to rain and they were both soaked by the time they reached the front door - he took her jacket and helped her into the booth, allowing her to study the plastic-coated menu before he had his turn.

He ordered at the counter - burgers, fries, onion rings.  When he returned with two milkshakes - chocolate - she felt a little sunnier in her sopping clothes.

"Did you like the wine place?" Lenny asked idly.

"Uh - it was nice."

"Did you wanna go somewhere else?  I could borrow some dough from Squig and we could get to Brooklyn..."

She smiled despite herself at the thought of Brooklyn - then remembered herself.  "Nah - it's too cold for a honeymoon over there."

He watched her over his milkshake, sucking thoughtfully on his straw.  Swallowing, he shrugged.  "It'd be fine.  We ain't gonna make it out of bed for the first couple of days anyway."

Laverne nearly choked on her milkshake, then roared so loudly the grubby gang of truckers on the surrounding counter seats turned and briefly looked at their booth.  She blushed and stayed perfectly quiet until conversation began again.  "Three whole days?  Len, I think you're blowing hot air up my skirt."

He grinned.  "I do more than that if you'd give me a chance, Vernie."

She snorted again and patted his free hand as it lay flat on the table.   "Len, come on - no guy can keep that up for three days..."

His smile took on a hint of grime...a calloused hand found her knee beneat the table and began to rub it, slowly, circularly.  "You ain't been with me, Vernie..." the fingers tickled the vulnerable softness hidden in the crook.  "I know girls.  You gotta treat them gentle...touch 'em real light in the places no one else ever does..." The hand went up her thigh and rested - she, absorbed in the words and the warmth of hard fingers, did not think to move it.  "You gotta take a long time until they're crazy for it.  So even if it don't last three days, it feels like it did..." He stopped talking, his blue eyes vivid in a face turning red.  She wasn't aware of anything but the suspense between them, which dissolved with the appearance of a green-uniformed, brassy-haired waitress who dumped their meals onto the Formica table.

Lenny came out of his own seductive trance and blushed fiercely - the hand that had once been hers resurfaced and grabbed the burger with the vivid eagerness of a child.  He took a big bite and watched as she started in on her french fries. 

His attentiveness annoyed her, as always.  Denying the flutter of her heart and the light thrumming between her legs, she fixed him with a hard glare. "What do you know about what it's like for a girl?"

In a silly tone that was pure Lenny, he replied, "Try dating 'em for fifteen years.  They make you care or cut you off."  He nibbled on his French fries.  The smile became sleazy again.  "Hey Vernie - you know I went with this prison matron once.  That's how I learned my ABC's," he said.  His pink tongue came out from between pillowy lips and licked quickly in the air - a b c.  This moment of boldness cost him his nerve and he began to stuff the meal into his mouth eagerly.

She looked away, denying him the joy of realizing he'd piqued her physical interest.  "Can we talk about something else?"

"Laverne Marie DeFazio don't wanna talk about sex," he clucked his tongue.  She didn't respond with the expected sarcasm and his look softened.  "You still mad at Carmine?"

"You think I shouldn't be?"

"He thinks he's making things good for Shirl."

Laverne shook her head.  "What he thinks and what Shirl wants are two different things, not that he's asked her."

"Shouldn't they talk about that?"

She nodded.  "Shirley's all wrapped up in Walter."

"They're getting married...that's how people in love should act." he said, smile almost too sweet.

"You know the way Shirl is.  She's always thinking and being careful 'cause her mom married her pop on the spur of the moment and she don't wanna go down that path."  Laverne nibbled her spare lower lip.  "This whole Walter thing started two weeks ago and now she wants to marry him?  It don't make sense."

"Maybe they're all caught up in love, like a salmon."

Laverne shook her head.  "Walter ain't the type to start spawning out of marriage, either - see what you made me say?   I just don't know - I feel like I can't trust what's going on with my own eyes."

"Why don't you ask Shirl about it tonight?"

"She don't like it when I criticize Walter."

"Don't criminize him.  Just check and make sure that Shirl's really in love."

Laverne shook her head.  "Carmine better get back soon - they gotta straighten everything out, or Shirl won't be able to get married with a clean conscious."

"Cleanliness and Marriedness don't got nothing to do with each other," he lifted a fry to his mouth pressed it to his lips - only she could see him lick it.  a b c.

***

He insisted on walking her to her door back at Laurel Vista, where Shirley's voice met them calling up from the couch.

"Miss Zionne is out for blood." Shirley said, without even trying for "hello".

Laverne winced - their supervisor, the bitch.  "Did you tell her I was on a long lunch?"  She shoved away Lenny's sheltering hands and unbuttoned her own pea coat.

"Yes, a very long lunch.  You have to cover for Aileen on Saturday to make up your hours or get docked."

"Shit," Laverne muttered under her breath, Lenny snickering, the only one to hear it.  He helped her out of her jacket nearly against her will, but Laverne felt grateful to flop down on the side chair to struggle her way out of her now-mud-ruined one hundred dollar black go go boots.

"I gotta get back to my place - me and Squig are gonna book the bachelor party tonight!"

Shirley looked up from her tuna sandwich, eyes locked on Laverne.  "I see the wedding is still on."

"Oh yeah!  Hey, you think Doctor Walter'd like a double slab o' wedded bliss?" he put his arm around Laverne and mugged shamelessly at Shirley.

"Lenoard, I'd like to finish my lunch in peace," she requested.

"That means scram," Laverne added.

"Vernie, Vernie, Vernie," he sighed patiently, "I'm your fiancé now!  You don't gotta throw me out whenever you and Shirl start talking about private stuff!" He lept onto the couch and wrapped a brotherly arm around Shirley's neck.  "Now that we're gonna be in-laws Shirl, I just wanted you to know - I never ever thought about you as a feminine prospect."

Shirley grimaced.  "I'm flattered."

"It ain't like you're not sta- that you don't got nice dimples, but I wasn't never gonna go after you.  That'd be hunting on Squiggy's turf." He nodded his head wisely.

"Get out!" Laverne ordered.

"Hey, don't yell at me!"  Laverne had grabbed him by the collar and shoved him toward the door.  "Watch it!" he yowled.  "This is real a hundred per cent naw-go-hyde!"

"To answer your question, Leonard, Walter and I are going to be married at the base's chapel in a civil service - I don't think the gratuity covers ceremonies for extra parties."

Laverne and Lenny locked eyes.  The mood between them had changed so swiftly that Lenny left willingly and without another word.

Barefoot now, Laverne approached her friend tentatively.  "Shirl, you ain't getting married in the church?"

Shirley was suddenly very interested in her tuna.

"Shirl..." Laverne whined, in a tone that made her friend's left eye twitch.  "You waited to wear white for almost sixteen years so you could have a big wedding and you're gonna get married on an army base?"

"It's the easiest way," Shirley explained. "Walter and I had a long discussion about it..."

"What about me?  We been best friends since we was five - don't I rate a discussion about your dreams?"

"Laverne, sometimes dreams have to be modified - to get married, I have to be married at an army base, plain and simple.  But, that means we can have a nice reception and I can have the gown of my dreams."

"But this ain't what you always wanted, and Walter..."

"Walter's what I want..."

"Are you sure?"

She picked up her sandwich plate and carried it upstairs.  "I told you not to ask me that again."

"Hey, I ain't done talking to you!"

"Excuse me,  Laverne, but I'd like to eat my dinner in peace and quiet upstairs."  She walked the short flight upstairs and slammed closed the bedroom door.

Huffing and pouting, Laverne balled up her fists and shouted, "I HOPE YOUR PICKLE GETS ALL SOGGY!"  With no response, she grumbled and tossed herself down on the couch, the weight of fresh news on her shoulders dragging her down.

A good eight-minute sulk later, her stomach began to rumble.  She glanced furtively at the kitchen and decided against trying to cook - her last attempt had scorched all of Shirley's new Stonecast pans.   Chinese delivery sounded pretty good, she reasoned, and began pulling open drawers near the phone to locate their stash of menus.

She finally found the Wong Foo's menu in the table drawer right beneath the phone...and under that pile she found a curious glass bottle with a blue label on it.

She held it up to the light and read:

Prescribed to: Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney

By: Doctor Grant Updike, OBGYN

The rest was gobbledygook, but the final line caught Laverne's eye and dropped her jaw:

Take two a day every day with food through the third trimester...

Laverne was up the stairs and at the bedroom door in four seconds.  She smacked her palm against it but the door unexpectedly pivoted open, unlocked.

"Shirl," she said, her roommate's angry expression melting upon seeing the bottle of vitamins in her best friend's hand.

Shirley lay draped upon her quilt, sobbing against the pillows.

Without asking another question, Laverne walked to the bed, moved the half-eaten tray of tuna fish and took her best friend into her arms.  For long minutes she held Shirley and the young brunette cried, and the entire time Laverne vacillated between wanting to shake and hold her.

"It'll be okay, Shirl," Laverne finally lied.  "You'll break this thing up with Walter - he probably ain't gonna take it too well at first, but I'm sure he'll understand when you say you're in trouble..."

Shirley rubbed her red eyes with the back of her hand.  "It's Walter's baby," she said.  Meeting Laverne's knowing gaze, she sighed.  "I never can lie to you."

"What's going on, Shirl?"

She leaned against Laverne's right shoulder.  "Do you remember the night you went out with Michael?"  Michael...Laverne felt a flash of embarrassment, unable to recall who Michael was.  Shirley sighed.  "Tall, dark hair, violet eyes, had a limp."

"Ohh! Micky!  That was the night I came back after three and you were in the kitchen making cereal and humming Carolina in the Morning..." Laverne trailed off.  "You...he..." Shirley nodded.  "That was two months ago.  You and Carmine've been...for two months..."

"Yes," Shirley muttered.

"But why?  Why now?"

"It just sort of happened one night."  Shirley said.  "He's been ready for years, and I've always considered it on and off," she played with the hem of her skirt and added, "I thought we'd been getting somewhere and he suddenly took off on this fishing trip!"

"I don't believe I'm gonna say this, but you gotta think about Walter, Shirl."

"He already knows."  Laverne's head snapped up in surprise.  "Walter's sterile - he had the mumps as a child.  He also knows everything about Carmine.  Walter loves children, Vernie - he'd be a good daddy."

"But he's not a daddy - Carmine is."

"I know," Shirley said.  "And I don't know how to tell him about this."

"Simple: dump Wally and wait for Carmine to come back."

"It's not that simple."

"You don't love Walter."

"Walter's as close to love as I'm going to get."

"Shirl..."

"Vernie, he's a kind man, and so smart.  He's practical and we have a lot of things in common, and a lot of the qualities I've always been looking for..."

"That's a chess buddy, not a friend."

"We could grow to love one another."

"Shirl, you're making a big mistake."

"What's the worse mistake, Vernie?" Shirley said, helplessly.  "Carmine and I haven't been able to go steady for more than five months at a time.  He wasn't interested in getting married when he left on this trip, and if he proposes now..."  She rested her hand against her belly.  "It would be a shotgun wedding.  He's not in love with me, Vernie - he didn't want to marry me when I wasn't pregnant."

"I really think you should wait, Shirl," Laverne wheedled, trying to figure out a way to tell Shirley about Carmine's proposal without revealing everything about his 'fishing trip'.

Shirley's mood changed instantly.  "The way you're 'waiting' for Leonard."

Laverne's pity for Shirley began to decrease.  "Shirl..."

"Walter and I have one advantage over yourself and Lenny," Shirley said primly.  "We're not playing some sort of game of chicken with our feelings."

"At least I ain't gonna play house with some guy I barely know!"

Shirley flinched at that statement.  "I'm not in the mood to argue with you, Vernie.  I think you should leave for awhile," she said primly.

"FINE!" Laverne had forgotten all about her hunger as she paced out of the room.  Halfway downstairs, she wondered where she would go - a bar?  No - she wasn't in the mood for a drink.  If she couldn't talk to Shirley, she always automatically turned to...

maybe she should.  They were still friends, after all...

Second thoughts arrived as she knocked on Lenny's door, but by then it was too late.

To Part 2
To Part 4