May Day, 1977 Part 1
By Missy
"Baby, It's You..." Laverne crooned, shimmying slightly to the music emanating from the nearby record player. "Gee, I love this song...Remember when we used to listen to it in school?"
"Wouldya hold still, Laverne?" Shirley asked, a tone of complaint in her voice.
Laverne sighed, "Sorry, Shirl," She felt another bobby pin slip through the neat coffure that had been made of her hair, "Watchit," she scolded, "That cost me a lot of money!"
"Well, you deserve the best! It's your wedding day," Shirley's eyes became misty, so much so that her fingers slipped and she jabbed Laverne's scalp with a pin.
"Oww!" She reached up and tried to grab Shirley's hands, battling her as she struggled to maintain hold of the elaborate veil that Shirley had chosen. "Geez, watchit! Will ya watchit here!!"
"I'm sorry! Now, Laverne, do you want a beautiful veil or a messy rat's nest?"
"I wanna have a scalp that's not bleedin'! Let go!"
"Fine!" Shirley huffed, letting go and picking up a clipboard from the coffee table, sending Laverne meanwhile to flail backward against the couch, "I'm done anyway." Shirley checked off 'get Laverne awake, alert, and dressed' on her checklist, then took a moment to take in the radiance of her best friend.
"Oh, Vernie," She smiled sweetly, "You're gorgeous!"
"I am?" She picked up a hand mirror from the side table and her own eyes widened, "Wow..." Laverne stood up, smoothing out the delicate lace-and-satin confection that she'd picked up off of the sale rack at Bardwell's. It had been slightly hemmed up by Shirley, a few layers of lace had been removed to suit Laverne's more youthful spirit, and on her left breast was sewed a tiny black velvet "L".
"I'm really doin' it," She said, almost in a daze, "I'm really getting' married," She started to mist up, "Oh, Shirl..."
The best friends embraced, waves of emotion overcoming them for a moment. This time had been so different from Shirley's marriage to Walter. But then to compare that hastily-arranged ceremony, which had only in turn begotten a sham of a marriage, to what Shirley had worked her fingers to the bones for was a sin.
Laverne winced a bit, realizing how thoroughly Shirley had taken over the proceedings. She was glad though; details weren't her thing.
"I'm so proud of you!" Shirley enthused, breaking the embrace, "Wasn't it worth waiting? Doesn't it feel great to have earned the privilege to wear white?"
"Yeah," Laverne bit her lip, her expression evasive.
Shirley was momentarily aghast, "Laverne! You didn't!"
"For your information, I did not!" Laverne retorted, her gaze becoming dreamy, "Though sometimes I wish I did.."
Frank's gruff tone ended Laverne's dreamy rhapsodizing, "Did what?" He asked.
Laverne's eyes widened as she reached up to try and hide her flaming cheeks, "Oh, nothin' Pop.."
Shirley cut off Laverne's speech protectively, "Put those flowers over there, Mr. DeFazio!" She plucked one white tissue-paper blossom from the top of the heap before Frank dumped them unceremoniously into a waiting garbage bag. She grinned, "Aren't you glad I taught you guys how to make them? They'll be so pretty when everyone grabs a handful and throws them at you..."
"Yeah, I always wanted to be hit with toilet paper flowers on my weddin' day..."
"What was that?"
"Nothin'" Laverne held her dress out at either side of herself, spinning around, "How do I look, Pop?"
For the first time, Frank DeFazio was overcome by the sight of his daughter's beauty, "Yer beautiful, Muffin," He said, "Not that you ain't always been beautiful.." He stumbled awkwardly.
She smiled tenderly, "I know what ya meant, Pop," He enfolded her in a tight but gentle hug, "Can you believe it? I'm marryin' Lenny. I wonder what Edna'd say if she could see us. Remember how she told me that marryin' him'd be a nightmare?"
Now FRANK'S eyes were misty as he clasped her shoulders, "Waddya mean you wish she could see us? Howdya know she can't see us right now?"
She smiled, sappy feelings rising inside of her, "I guess she can." She grinned.
Shirley blotted her eyes with the rose she was holding, forgetting herself momentarily, "Oh, I wish Toddy was here!" she almost wailed.
"Yeah, it's too bad that Walter wanted him for the weekend." Laverne responded, breaking her father's embrace.
"I wish he'd never been transferred to a unit in America!" Shirley blurted out.
"Well, I'd wish you'd've never met him, but if you'd've never met him, you wouldn't've had Todd."
Shirley sighed, "You're right, Laverne. It's just that sometimes, I wish I'd've never met Walter at all. Him and his bimbo secretary are the shadiest people I've ever met in my life!"
The door slammed open, "Hello!" Squiggy called from the doorway, Francine at his heel. "There are Lime-os parked out on the lawn."
"I told 'em to circle the block until we were ready!" Frank groaned, "They better not be wreckin' the grass I re-seeded last week..." He stalked out to confirm for himself the truth in what Squiggy had said.
"Where's Lenny?" Laverne asked Squiggy as he allowed her Pop to leave the apartment.
"Carmine took 'im to confession this morinin'." Squiggy said.
Shirley squinted at the bright power-blue tuxedo (complete with loud, ruffled shirt and glittering cummerbund) that Squiggy had donned for the occasion. Amused, though ruing that every attempt she had made to gussy him up in at a men's shop had failed miserably, she said, "My, Andrew, you certainly look..festive...today!"
"Yeah, I should look 'fistive'. The guy who had this suit before me was goin' to wear it to a party."
"Whatsammater?" Laverne asked, "Party get cancelled?"
"Nah, he croaked on his way to it." He peered down at his sleeve, then asked Francine, "You sure the cleaners got all the blood outta the shirt?"
Francine nodded and snapped her gum.
Shirley tamped down her disgust, a wide, fake smile on her face as she pinched Laverne's elbow, "Are you sure you want to be married to someone who used to live with THAT?" She asked through her teeth.
"Sure I'm sure," Laverne said, breezily confident, "Lenny takes a bath every day."
"How do you know that?"
Laverne leaned in close to whisper this in Shirley's ear as they plucked their purses from the sofa and followed Squiggy down to the street, "Cause I'm usually in it with him"
***
"Where are the flowers?! I didn't order these flowers!" Shirley raged. The bride's crofter in All Saints Day Church rang with the sound of her angry, squeaky tones. Rhonda and Francine glanced up from their positions on a divan, where they had been comparing manicures. Laverne, who had been sitting by a window and staring out into the church's well-maintained courtyard, rose from her chair.
"It's all right," Laverne said firmly to the tiny, cowering woman (a clerk at the church) who had absorbed Shirley's rage, "We'll use these flowers."
The woman dotard away as Shirley turned to Laverne, "We can't use those flowers!"
"Why not?"
"They're blue!"
"So what? I like blue!"
"I coordinated everything to be pink!"
"But blue's fine!"
"Your bridesmaid's dresses are pink!"
"So?! Pink and blue look good together, and besides, blue's the color of Lenny's eyes."
Shirley huffed, sitting down on a nearby chair, "Fine. If you want to have a wedding where everything clashes, be my guest!"
Laverne's ire was up, "It is MY wedding, Shirl."
Shirley's face froze, and she hesitated for a brief moment, "I'm sorry, Laverne. You're right; it is your wedding, and if you want blue flowers we'll have blue flowers."
Laverne let out an "aww." And embraced her friend.
"Rhonda's so happy for you she could just die," Rhonda interjected from where she sat, a certain bitterness in her voice as she filled down her nail.
Laverne made a face; technically, Rhonda was the old maid of their social set. This would have been a good occasion to tease her about it. But Rhonda tended not to see herself as an old maid; in the seventies, everything was different. Still, she could see longing in her starlet friend's expression.
"I've gotta go check on Pop," Laverne said, as Shirley fussed over her smeared makeup, "The last time I saw him, he was ranting in Italian about people who don't know how to do their jobs. I'll be back." She slipped out the door, leaving Shirley with Rhonda and Francine.
Barely a second passed by before a knock sounded on the door, "Carmine's knock!" She exclaimed, excited, pulling the door open.
She was stunned by the dapperness of his appearance when he stepped into the room; she flashed back instantly to the time they were nearly married those years ago.
"Hey Angelface," He pecked her lips with a quick kiss. She rubbed the spot where his lips had touched her; how slow-going the progress had been between them since she had left Walter, and how sweet the reward! He peered around her shoulder, "Are you alone? Ah, forget I asked that; hi Rhonda, hey Francine."
Rhonda waved to him and Francine gave her acknowledgment with a nod of her head.
"There any chance I could catch you some time during the wedding? There's something I need to ask ya..."
She shook her head, "Fraid not, Carmine; maybe during the reception, but not until then. Matron of Honor duties call :) ."
"Yeah. I heard about the flowers," He snickered.
She frowned at him, "That's not funny! I asked for pink!"
"Aww, don't be sore, Shirl. I'm just kiddin'."
"I'll kid you....where's Leonard?
"Where else? With Squiggy and Chuck, practicing his vows. He needs practice, too; he's more nervous than I've ever seen him. And for Len, that's almost jumping out of his skin."
"Poor guy; he should take a page out of Laverne's book. She's as cool as a cucumber."
"Speakin' of cucumbers, you want something? The sisters put out a nice spread for everyone."
"Are you kidding? Make sure no one eats! We're eating a six course meal an hour from now!"
"An hour?! Shirl, I can't wait an hour ta eat!"
She gave him her most flirtatious look, "Not even for your Little Angelface?"
"Well.." She pouted and used her sexy walk, "I'll fast for a week."
"Good boy," She said teasingly, pecking him on the cheek, "Now, would you mind going to check on Laverne? It's getting close to three."
"OK," He kissed her quickly before ducking out, "But whatever Squiggy tells you about the Bachelor Party, don't believe him!"
"Why, what's he saying?"
"Let me put it this way; Raquel Welch and Farrah Fawcett-Majors didn't wrestle in a kiddy pool of Jell-O over bragging rights to be High Priestess of Strip to the Duke of Squiggman."
Shirley snorted around a laugh as she closed the door behind Carmine.
"That man...let me think, what do I need to do next. Oh!! The list! Bring me the list!" Rhonda handed Shirley her clipboard, which Shirley began to read from. "Let's see: 3:00: Wedding begins. 3:15: ring exchange. Lenny's ring is in my left pocket..right there...Remember to have good energy and smile....3:20: The vows; Lenny will read from Lord Byron and Laverne will read from Shakespere..."
"Since when does Lenny read Lord Byron?" Rhonda spoke up.
"Since they got stuck for vows and asked me to help....at 3:25, I read my poem.." She smiled blankly ahead of her, "Friends, Oh friends, Joy brings friends..."
"Shirl! SHIRL!" Came a panicked cry from outside of the door. Shirley continued to read her poem aloud, so caught up in the rhythms of the rhyme that she never noticed the cries until they were right on top of her.
It was Carmine, and in mid-verse he turned her around, "What in the world is the matter with you?!" She asked, glaring at him.
"It's Laverne," He panted, "She hasn't seen her Pop; we can't find her anywhere!!"
*****
"Laverne?! LAVERNE!" Shirley shouted, running down the catacomb-like interiors of the All Saints Day church. The building was so old and had so many rooms that she carried with her a brochure map provided by the sisters who maintained the place.
"LAVERNE!!" She bellowed. Her pulse quickened when she realized that this was the last room in the wing she'd chosen to explore; a ladies room meant for the bridal party.
She threw open the door, peering around the starkly modern lavatory, then under each stall for feet. Momentary despair struck Shirley when she saw nothing. Then a faint sound caught her ear, of someone breathing very heavily. She listened carefully, pressing her ear to one stall where the noise seem to echo the loudest.
She quickly threw open the stall and, to her relief, Laverne was there.
In her wedding dress.
Hyperventillating into a paper bag.
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