Everything But Mow The Lawn
By Missy

SERIES: Everything But Mow The Lawn

PART: 1 of 1

RATING: G (With some Adult Content)


DISTRIBUTION: To Myself  so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"


Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!

CATEGORY: Romance/Fantasy/AU


SETTING IN TIMELINE: Alternate version of the dream Laverne has in 2001: A Comic Odyssey. 

SPOILLER/SUMMARY: "I always loved you." (Lavenny, AU)

NOTES: Written for Emily L's eighteenth birthday.




The floor, Laverne thought, wasn't as hard as she imagined it would feel.  In fact, it was almost pleasant to lie flat against its hardness, trying to get her breath back after another energetic fight with Shirley.


She focused on the throbbing ache racing through her back beneath blubbery layers of fat and breast.  The physical pain helped her stave attention away from the emotional shocks she'd gone through in the past couple of hours.


Anger swarmed over her nerves as she remembered her aborted wedding to Lenny.  She had been within inches of finally being Missus Someone  - and finally getting to Give It Away - only to have Shirley snatch it all away because she didn't want to bed down with Squiggy. 


That's great for her, Laverne thought, but what about me?


It was clear to Laverne as she lay alone on the floor that what she wanted had walked out the door wearing a porkpie hat accompanied by a man in a suit of armor.  But that was because he was her last chance for love, wasn't it?


He had been so nice to her; more importantly, he had barely mentioned her weight gain.  Usually, it was the first thing a man noticed about her; of course, they'd stopped calling years ago, and when one did come around they treated her with a mix of pity and disdain that turned her proud stomach.


Nice don't make a marriage, she reminded herself.  With a grunt, she sat up and put away the possibility of what could have been.


That was when the door opened.


Lenny marched into the room.  "LAVERNE.  You won't believe..." he looked down at her.  "The couch's back there."


She looked up at him.  "I wasn't trying to sit down, I fell on the floor.  Me and Shirl had a fight," she crawled up on her knees and was surprised to feel his hand on her shoulder.  Smiling, she stood and dusted her white skirt.  "I thought Squig needed you."


He bit his lower lip.  "That's what I was coming back to say.  Squig's gone."


"Gone?" despite herself, a little tremor entered Laverne's voice.


Lenny frowned at her in confusion.  "OH!  Not 'gone' gone - 'gone' got married again gone."


Laverne frowned.  "What?"


"We were on our way back to our place when he tripped on a crack in the sidewalk.  He bumped into this hot chicky with these big...well, not as big as yours...anyway, the reception's in an hour.  If we hurry, we can get married before Squig cuts his cake!"


She leveraged her way out from beneath his clutching hand.  "You still wanna get married?"


Lenny's smile was soft.  "Laverne," he said sweetly, "I always wanted to marry you."


"But I'm blind and I'm fat."


"I'm old and weak.   But I want you - and I always will."


He lifted the veil that had fallen over her eyes, and when her vision cleared to her amazement he had been restored to the youthful man she remembered.  He leaned down, pressing his lips to hers.


She woke up kissing her pillow.


Spitting out the cotton covering, Laverne instinctively checked her body for excess in fat - but it was the same breasts she'd gone to sleep with.  Taking several gulping breaths, she listened to her heart beat as it decelerated.


When the thrumming in her ears disappeared she heard soft laughter from the neighboring bed.  Clicking on the table lamp, she saw Shirley's face, dimpled with amusement. 


"Was I talking in my sleep again?"


Gales of laughter came from Shirley.  "You were saying 'oh, Lenny!'"


"I was...I was having a dumb dream," she said, unable to keep the injured tone from her voice. 


"Were you?  It sounded like a very interesting one."


A mean smile formed on her lips.  "YOU were marrying Squiggy."


Shirley stopped laughing.  "That's not funny."


"Oh, that was the funny part," she mock-yawned and covered herself, clicking off the lights.  "I'm gonna go back to dreaming about your babies.  Squiggy Junior.  Squiggole and Squiggena the twins..."


The impact of a feather pillow to her right ear was a welcome distraction from her racing mind.  It's just a stupid dream, she reminded herself.  She was young and attractive - and Lenny wasn't her mister right.


Was he?