SERIES:  As It Turns

PART: 1 of 1

RATING:  PG-13 (Maybe-Or-Maybe-Not Pre-Incest Between OF AGE characters that exist solely in the brain of Shirley Feeney – who’ve already committed unwitting incest.)

PAIRING(s): Alt-Universe: Perfidy In Blue Dream Sequence: Luanne DeLaDouit-Bobbleneck/Leonardo DeChevi-Bobbleneck (Lenny/Laverne)

DISTRIBUTION: To Myself  so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"

 

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CATEGORY: Humor, Parody, AU

FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!

SETTING IN TIMELINE:  Won’t make sense unless you’ve seen Perfidy in Blue. 

SPOILLER/SUMMARY: “As Jerry Lee Lewis would his cousin?”  (LeonardoLuanne with mentioned CharleneLeonardo.  Humor.  Not!Incestfic.)

NOTES:  Dramatic!  Exclamation!  Is Fun!

 

***

 

If he had any self-awareness at all, Leonardo would know that he was devastatingly gorgeous when he pouted.  Not that he cared much for compliments.  On the best of days, her words would have earned her a shrug before he pushed her aside to fawn over his beloved Charlene.

 

Well, she thought haughtily as she eyed her devastated rival, those days were over!  Louella De La Douit…Bobbleneck, she corrected herself mentally, crowed as she watched her rival collapse in tears.  The spectacle was surprisingly engrossing – after all, if Charlene could do anything well, it was cry.   Her-their, dammit!-father ferried her glass after glass of water and cooed over her, the misbegotten purse adventure long forgotten as he tried to drag her back to reality.

 

Louella sniffed and tossed her green feather boa rakishly over her left shoulder.  She couldn’t grasp Charlene’s total mystery.  Big deal.  We slept with our brothers, she shrugged.  It could be worse – we could’ve been like Rhoda and done it with Fritz.    Poor Rhoda – she was still in a sanitarium high in the mountains of Switzerland, being treated for what the other servants kindly whispered was a “social disease”.   But they – the other Bobbleneck siblings – all knew that she had flipped her expensive, powdered wig and spent all day singing to herself in a padded room.  Not a single bit of this ruffled Louella – they were all babies, overreacting – and there were bigger sins to be encountered in this life.  Louella had done every single one of them in her short twenty-seven years on the planet.  She colored, recalling a few - Charlene didn’t know – SHE MUST NEVER KNOW – about that weekend in Tahoe with Father Flannigan... IT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING AND FORCE HER BACK TO A LIFE OF POVERTY AS A SECRETARY…

 

But what did she care what the little shrimp thought of her?  Louella crossed her legs and boardly stared at her nails, then shot another furtive glance at Leonardo.  He caught her eyes and looked quickly away, turning bright red, his knuckles white on his ever-present steering wheel.  She smiled, a kitten with a plate of cream, and played girlishly with her curly forelocks.

 

“CHILDREN!” bellowed Fritz, his meaty paw beating at Charlene’s shoulder as if trying to beat the sorrow from her, “I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE TO DISCUSS WHAT WE SHOULD DO WITH OUR BELOVED RHODA.”

 

“WE KNOW,” Sqven yelled, jiggling his snifter of brandy.  “We’ll do whatever you want, Papa – as long as it’s in…”  He rose his brow, “her best interests….”

 

Louella frowned – there was that damn dramatic music again. 

 

Charlene began bawling again, her head tossing to and fro under her diamond-dusted tiara.  “Oh, it’s too horrible to think of!!  Too much to imagine!!  Poor Rhoda, alone in the Alps!”

 

“And without even a Smith Brother to call her own,” Leonardo agreed.  He and Charlene shared a wistful glance but turned away, sighing together.

 

“Sad it may be,” Sqven said, “but she ain’t getting perkier.”

 

“What do you suggest?” asked Fritz.

 

Sqven shrugged.  “I know a vet in Istanbul who won’t ask too many questions…”

 

A champagne flute smacked him square between the eyes.  “YOU FIEND!” Cried Charlene, rising to her feet.  “We can’t put Rhoda out of her misery!  I won’t hear of it!”  She glared at Louella.  “It sounds like something SHE would do….”

 

“Keep your eyeballs to yourself, little missy,” Louella sniffed.  “I may be a poisoner, but at least I didn’t boink BOTH of my brothers!”

 

Charlene melted to the couch, her sobs filling the room again.  “You monster!” snapped Leonardo.  “How could you speak that way to her?  Hasn’t Charlene suffered enough?”

 

“We’ve all suffered, Leonardo,” she responded.

 

“That may be so, but none of us worse than Charlene!  You leave the poor girl alone you, you…hussy!”

 

The words pricked Louanne’s soul, though she tried not to show it.  She wrapped the boa tighter around her neck and swiveled to her feet.  “I can see I’m not wanted.  CHARLES!  Call for my limo,” she instructed the butler.  “I’ll be on the lanai!”  with that, she spun on her heels and headed into the moonlit night.

 

There, alone, she released her emotions – tears pouring down her cheeks and streaking them with inky marks that she didn’t bother to dash away.  Only by herself could she admit how much she wanted to impress her new father, to fit into the rich Bobbleneck family for whom she had worked for so many years.

 

“I didn’t know cobras could cry,” came a dry observation from the doorway.

 

She locked eyes with Leonardo, who stared at her in an embarrassingly direct way.   “I don’t know why you’re so surprised,” she cleared her throat.   “You’re looking at me as if I’m not human.”

 

“You’re not human,” Leonardo insisted, crossing the distance between them.  “You’re a dragon wearing a woman’s skin…” close enough to inhale her scent, he wavered momentarily and hung his head.  “A very attractive skin….”

 

She smiled her joyless smirk.  “My – I had no idea you cared.”

 

“Of course I care for you…as any brother would his sister…” he said, carefully keeping space between their bodies.

 

“As Jerry Lee Lewis would his cousin?”  she purred, placing a palm against his chest.

 

“Louella,” he firmly pushed her away, “I won’t indulge your madness!   You know our bodies must never meet…”

 

“Leonardo, dear, dear, Leonardo - your body’s making you a liar,” she smiled, feeling something quite firm as she leaned closer to him. 

 

He pushed her firmly away.  “What good is my body?  My heart will never be satisfied – it ever belongs to Charlene…and my new Porsche…” He smiled into an invisible camera.  “The new x-16 model just arrived in shops today!  Give it a test-drive and tell them Leonardo sent you!” he winked.

 

“How can you feel that way?  Charlene is your sister…” Louella insisted, pressing her chest to Leonardo’s arm.

 

He pushed her away.  “YOU’RE my sister.”

 

She shook her head and laughed.  “Do you really believe that foolish old man?” she held out her hands.  “Look at us!!  I don’t look anything like you!  Neither of us looks anything like Sqven!  If we were family, wouldn’t at least one of us look like each other, or that doddering old fool?”

 

Leonardo jutted out his jaw.  “How could you suggest something so awful?  We’re family – I feel it in my heart!”

 

“Well, I feel something, but it ain’t exactly in my heart…” she purred, taking his hand and pushing it down her body…

 

“Someone needs to take you over their knee, Louella De La Douit…”

 

She purred.  “The name is Bobbleneck.  I may not believe I’m Fritz’ daughter, but that doesn’t mean I won’t take advantage of his little mistake.  And as for your knees…don’t make such sweet promises, Leonardo…”

 

He grabbed her by the wrists and tried – and failed – to power her forward against him.  His efforts knocked him backwards and landed them in a liplock against the briar-covered brick walls of the lanai.   Several lifetimes passed before he thought to pry himself free of her touch.

 

She was smiling as he panted, pinned under her strong hands.  “Do you lift weights?”  he panted.

 

“Let’s just say I’m an expert at the clean and jerk.” 

 

“This is a sin, Louella,” he said piously, the last of his reserve floating away like a lost balloon.  

 

She smiled and began to undo the buttons on his too-stuffy chauffer’s coat.  “After all we’ve done, it’s but a brick in the way.  After all, this sort of love is in the Bible!”

 

“So’s Sodom and Gomorrah.”

 

She leaned in and nibbled his earlobe and felt his last restraint give.  “And Salome and Delilah,” she purred.

 

*** 

 

Laverne DeFazio’s eyes flew open.  Jerking into a sitting position, she realized she wasn’t in the middle of seducing Lenny – Leonardo – whoever he was.  She touched her cheeks, opened her eyes – still her bed.  Still Shirley sleeping next to her a few inches away.  There was no Leonardo, no Sven, and no maybe-incest in the afternoon – and no green feather boa.

 

She hugged her pillow.  “I gotta fire my brain,” she mumbled, rolling over and falling back to sleep.