ONE
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, late afternoon

Everyone is there. Carmine is sitting on one arm of the couch and Shirley is next to him. Next to Shirley, is Kristin, who's next to Squiggy. Squiggy is next to Lauren, who's flipping through the newspaper, and Lenny is next to her on the other arm. Whew! Six people on one couch? Thank goodness they've got those books propping up the front of it!

Kristin- Where's Laverne?

Shirley- I heard her talking about some supposed haunted house. She's probably trying to get a flyer for it.

Lauren- It is almost almost Halloween. A good scare every once in a while is good.

Lenny- It is?

Squiggy- Only when you're doin' the scarin'!

Lauren- Hey, lookit this! (she points out an ad in the paper) I think this is what Laverne was talkin' about: "Come and be scared at Hill House"... It's only 25 cents admission.

Carmine- How bad can they scare ya for 25 cents?

Suddenly, there's a noise at the door.

Kristin- What was that?

Shirley- Speak of the devil, Carmine!

Lauren- I'll go look. (she tries to get up; she's stuck; the boys give her a shove and she nearly falls over the coffee table) Thanks, fellas. (she goes over and opens the door; she looks out) There's nothin' out here... (she turns and jumps) AHH!!!

Shirley- What is it?!

Lauren (trying to catch her breath and half laughing)- It's a note on the door... held by a dart? That's odd!

Squiggy- It woulda been more odd if it'd been a lawn dart.

Kristin- That's true.

Lauren- Shush... (she starts reading the note)

Shirley- Who's it from?

Lauren- Laverne. She found that place I just told ya about...

Lenny- If Laverne was just here, why didn't she come in and get us?

Carmine- There's som'en weird goin' on here... and I don't mean these two (he points at Kristin and Squiggy) makin' goo-goo eyes at each other.

Lauren (making a face)- Oh, Carmine, please, don't say stuff like that... It's bad enough when they're on the stoop!

Shirley- I thought we were talking about Laverne and this supposed haunted house?

Lenny- I thought so, too.

Lauren- Well, Carmine changed the subject... Maybe we oughtta go check this place out...

TWO
Hill House, night

Everyone's standing outside, just staring at the house. The porch light is on, but it's dark inside.

Carmine- Who's gonna knock?

Lauren- I nominate Squig! (she gives him a shove) Go on.

Squiggy- Uh uh, no way! (he goes behind Lenny and gives him a shove) You do it, Len.

Shirley- Oh, come on, guys, it's just a prank haunted house! Go knock on the door, Len.

Squiggy gives Lenny another shove and he trips up the steps. He's about to knock on the door, and he turns to the others.

Lenny- If there's any living lenoleum in there, I'm leavin'! (he turns toward the door and knocks; the door creaks open) It's haunted!...

Lauren (coming up next to Lenny)- The door wasn't closed. (she pushes the door open wide) See, nothing.

The other four come up on the porch and a couple of bats fly out the open door.

Kristin- Great, they've got bats, too!

Squiggy- As long as they ain't blood-sucking vampires!

Everyone- Sh!!!

Lenny- So, who's goin' first?... An' don't even think of pushin' me in!

Squiggy- Whatta bunch-a scare-dy-bats! (he pushes past Lauren and Lenny and goes in the door)

Shirley- Well?

Squiggy- It's just a little dark in 'ere. (he goes farther down the hallway) I wonder if there're any skeletons in 'ere?...

Kristin (pushing past Lauren and Lenny)- Squig, wait up! I wanna look for skeletons, too! (she goes in and catches up with him)

Carmine- Whadya say, AngelFace?

Shirley- I say that an 'AngelFace' doesn't belong in a haunted house.

Carmine- Awe, c'mon, Shirl! It'll be good for a laugh!

Shirley (reluctantly)- Oh, alright.

Shirley and Carmine go in next, leaving Lauren and Lenny on the porch.

Lauren- Are you goin'?

Lenny- Are you goin'?

O.S. Squiggy- Ya comin' or what?!

Lauren- Well, what's the worst that can happen?

Lenny- We could get crushed to death like Vincent Price...

They go in and the door slams behind them.

THREE
inside

Kristin and Squiggy went up to the second floor to check the closets for skeletons - they finished the first floor.

Shirley and Carmine are sitting on the couch, making out. {Otherwise, Shirley would be screaming or freaking out... or any combination of the two!}

Lauren and Lenny are just wandering around. They go up to the second floor. Lauren goes over to a door and tries the knob.

Lauren- I wonder why this door is locked? (she tries the knob again)

Lenny (pointing above the door)- Hey, lookit that. They got a sign above the door. "Attic." Why would someone label a door in a house?

Lauren- They kept mistaking it for the bathroom? (she tries the knob again) Huh. I guess they really don't want us goin' up there. That's not nice at all!

Lenny- Yeah, attics are usually pretty creepy, too!

They walk down the hall and the attic door creaks open. They stop at one of the rooms. Inside, Kristin and Squiggy are still on their search.

Lenny- Any skeletons, yet?

Squiggy- Not one! Boy, whatta gyp this place is! There wasn't even no one to take admission!

Kristin- That's right! It was supposed to be a quarter.

Lauren- That saved us a buck fifty!

Lenny starts counting on his fingers.

Suddenly, there's a loud creaking noise.

Lauren- What the heck was that?

Lenny- I dunno... but I ain't stickin' around to find out! (he starts out the door and stops; he turns around quickly, comes back in the room, and slams the door behind him)

Kristin- What is it?

Lenny (scared)- Uh, Squig? You wanted to find skeletons? Well, I think they found us!

Squiggy- What're you talkin' about? (he goes over to the door and shoves Lenny out of the way; he opens the door, looks out, comes back in, and slams the door) This reminds me of the "Night Of The Living Dead"!

Lauren (repulsed)- Please don't mention that movie!... Are you serious?!

Lenny (from under the bed)- Dead serious!

Lauren- Don't say that! (she sees him under the bed) What're ya doin' under there?

Lenny- I'm hidin'.

Kristin- I hate to break this up, but where're Shirley and Carmine?

FOUR
downstairs

Shirley and Carmine are still making out.

There's a creaking noise.

They stop.

Shirley- What was that?

Carmine- What was what?

There's another creaking noise.

Shirley (nervous)- That!

Carmine- I don't know and I don't feel like hangin' around to find out!

They get up from the couch and run for the door. It's locked.

Shirley- Do something, Carmine! Break the door down!

Carmine- Shirl, it opens in! I'd break my shoulder first!

There's another creak.

They look up to the top of the stairs and see a skeleton. It tumbles down the stairs and becomes just a pile of bones at the bottom.

Shirley starts screaming her head off.

Carmine (puts a hand over Shirley's mouth)- If there's anyone else in this house, we really shouldn't let them know we're here... and if you scream, they'll know!

Shirley (removes Carmine's hand)- Let's just find a way out.

FIVE
upstairs

Kristin and Squiggy are sitting on the bed playing a card game, Lenny is still hiding under the bed, and Lauren is pacing.

Lauren- How are we gonna get out of here?... And why are you two playing "Go Fish"?

Squiggy- Because we don't have the cards for "Old Maid"!

Lauren- I'm gonna take a look out the door. (she goes over and opens the door a tiny bit; she closes it quickly; an axe blade comes through the door) I'm outta here!!! (she rus over to the window and looks down to the ground) A two story fall couldn't be that bad... a broken leg, maybe...

Squiggy- Don't go out the window That's what they're expectin' us to do!

Lauren- Then how do you suggest we get outta here?!

Squiggy- I didn't think-a that.

Kristin- I like Lauren's idea for the window, but we could tie the blankets together and climb down.

Lauren- Climb or fall, it's all the same to me because I'm gonna fall anyway! I can't hold my own weight!

Kristin- Well... we could ease you down.

Lauren (reluctantly)- Oh, alright...

Lenny (scrambling out from under the bed)- Ah! ...Hey, som'en was under there! (he starts rubbing his neck)

Squiggy- Awe, quit complainin' an' help us tie these blankets together!

They tie the blankets together.

Lauren- I am not goin' first! I'll land on my head!

Kristin- I'll go first.

One end of the blankets is tied to the bed post. They push the bed over to the window.

Kristin (going out the window)- See ya down below. (she goes down and gets safely to the ground)

Squiggy- Me next!

Lauren- Squig...

Squiggy goes out the window and goes down.

Lauren- So much for ladies first. (she leans out the window and looks down; she comes back in and turns to Lenny) Actually, I don't think that this was such a great idea.

Lenny- You'll be fine. (he starts pulling the blankets up) Just tie 'em around ya.

Lauren- I still don't like this... (she takes the free end and ties it around her waist; she sits on the window sill) Oh, please God, just don't let me go "Splato"!

Lenny starts easing Lauren down, when the axe breaks through the door.

Lenny (out the window)- I gotta letcha down faster!... I don't feel like meetin' this axe!

Lauren- What!? (she gets close to the ground and hangs there - the blankets weren't quit long enough) Squig, Kristin, gimme a hand, I'm gettin' choked here. (they help her out)

All three look up at the window.

The blankets start going up and back in the window.

SIX
outside

Kristin- Why did he pull the blankets back in?

Lauren- I dunno. I thought I heard him say som'en about an axe... (she realizes and is about to scream)

Squiggy (covering Lauren's mouth)- Don't scream! If there's actually someone in there, they'll come out 'ere!

Suddenly, the blankets get tossed out the window. Lenny scrambles down the first story and jumps to the gorund - the blankets didn't reach farther than one story this time.

Lauren- What happened?

Lenny (out of breath; sitting on the ground)- That someone or som'en with the axe started to chop through the door. So, I pulled the blankets up and untied the last two and sorta tied the door closed. (he looks up at the window) I wonder if that actually worked?...

Lauren (noticing something; she goes over to Lenny)- What is this? You've got two red marks on your neck.

Lenny- I do?!

Squiggy- Forget that! Let's just get the heck outta here!

Kristin- What about Shirley and Carmine?

Shirley's screaming is heard from the front of the house.

Lauren- I think they got out.

SEVEN
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, very late night

The group comes in and everyone plops everywhere.

Laverne comes out of the bedroom.

Laverne- Where have ya been?! I come home and there's no one here.

Lauren- Didn't you go check out that haunted house?

Laverne- The one with the 25 cent admission? That's not till tomorrow night. (she turns and starts back to the bedroom) I'm too tired right now. You can tell me where ya were tomorrow. (she goes in the bedroom and closes the door)

Kristin- That haunted house is tomorrow night?!

Everyone looks at Lauren.

Lauren- The ad in the paper didn't have a date on it.

Everyone grumbles. Kristin and Squiggy leave. Shirley kisses Carmine goodnight and he leaves. Shirley goes into the bedroom.

Lauren- You're not mad at me, are ya, Len?

Lenny- Well, it's kinda six-on-one, half dozen on the other. (he grins at her)

Lauren makes a look of surprise when she notices he seems to have vampire teeth.