ONE
Lauren & Kristin's apartment, night

Lauren is sitting... er, fidgeting on the couch.

Lauren (holding pillows to her ears)- Can't those two shut up for two seconds!?

Kristin- Huh?

Lauren (rolls her eyes)- Take your ear plugs out! (she puts the pillows down and motions to her ears)

Kristin (takes the ear plugs out)- I cannot believe they are still arguing over there!

Lauren- I wish we knew what they're arguin' about. I asked Len last night and he ignored my question!

Suddenly, the arguing stops and is accompanied by a slamming door.

There's a knock at the door.

Lauren gets up, goes over to the door, and opens it.

Lenny walks in, right past Lauren, and sits on the couch.

Lauren- Sure, Len, com'on in. (she closes the door and goes over to the end of the couch) What the heck are you guys fighting about!?

Lenny- Nothin'. (he crosses arms)

Kristin- Well, it's gotta be a pretty big nothin', you guys've been arguing all week!

Lenny- It's nothin'.

Kristin- Well, I think I'm gonna turn in early. Don't stay up too late! (she smirks and goes into the bedroom)

Lauren (sits next to Lenny)- What's goin' on? Huh? Why have you two been arguing so much?

Lenny- Haven't ya been listenin'? I said it's nothin'!

Lauren looks away, amazed that Lenny won't tell her what's going on. She thinks of something.

Lauren (turns quickly and grabs a handful of Lenny's t-shirt by the collar)- So help me, if you don't tell me what's goin' on...

Lenny- Lauren, I don't wanna tell ya!

Lauren (lets go of his shirt)- What do you...? Wait a minute, is all this about me?

Lenny (looks off to the opposite side of the room)- Maybe...

Lauren- Is it really so bad ya can't tell me?

Lenny - You know how Squig is, he gets these stupid ideas sometimes and...

Lauren- Tell me.

Lenny- Well... (he whispers something in her ear)

Lauren (with a look of shock, then anger)- I'll kill him! (she starts to get up)

Lenny (grabs the back of her shirt and sits her down)- It ain't really that bad.

Lauren- But why did he just now bring that up? So what if we were locked in the boiler room? If he thinks that...

Lenny (clamps his hand over her mouth)- I don't wanna hear that anymore, please!

Lauren- Sorry. Ya know what, I oughtta hit him with a bag of marbles!

Lenny- You're startin' to sound like Laverne.

Lauren- Maybe it'd knock some sense into him.

Lenny- He'll forget... um, I just realized I don't have a place to stay, he sorta locked me out.

Lauren- I'll go getcha a blanket. (she gets up and goes into the bedroom; she comes back out with a blanket) I cna't figure out why that's his problem? I mena, how many times have the four of us separated into each other's apartments? And the time when the girls let me stay in their apartment. (she gives him the blanket) I dunno, I could never figure out the way Squig's brain works.

Lenny- I knew I shouldn'ta told ya.

Lauren- naw, I'm glad ya did. I'm not happy about the reason you're fightin', that's all. Ugh... I think I'm gonna turn in, too.

Lenny- And I'll set up camp out here.

Lauren- You do that. (she goes into the bedroom)

TWO
middle of the night

There's a pounding at the door.

Apparently, Lauren and Kristin don't hear it becuase the bedroom door is closed.

Lenny gets up and blindly looks for the lamp. He finds it... by knocking it onto the floor. He goes over to the door and starts looking for thelight switch.

Meanwhile, the pounding is still going on.

Lenny gives up looking for the light switch, unlocks the door, and opens it.

Squiggy- You!

Lenny- Me?!

Squiggy- I shoulda known you'd be here!

Lenny- Will ya keep it down? People're tryin' to sleep, ya know.

The bedroom door opens.

Kristin (rubbing her eyes)- What the heck's goin' on here? And why're you two here, arguin'?

Squiggy goes over, grabs Kristin's hand, and pulls her out of the apartment and over to his.

Lauren (comes into the living room)- What's goin' on? Where'd Kristin go?

Lenny- Squig pulled her into the hall and over to our place. Ya don't think he's tellin' her, do ya?

Lauren- But she found us and opened the door to get us out And she knows me a heckuva lot better than Squig does! All this fuss over nothin'... (she goes over and sits on the couch)

Lenny (goes over and sits next to her)- Does it hafta be nothin'?

Lauren (giving him an odd look)- Whadya mean? (pause) Awe, no! It was bad enough when I was watchin' the girls' apartment... Squig found us that time and, as much as I loved falling on the floor, it wasn't worth the trouble!

Lenny- I just thought that if he was gonna be mad, then he should have som'en to be mad about.

Lauren- Can't ya just knock some sense into him?!

The phone rings.

Lauren (leans over and picks up the receiver)- Hello? (listens) Oh, hi, Laverne. (listens) yeah, I know, but Squiggy... (listens) I know we're keepin' ya awake, but, Laverne...

Lenny (grabs the receiver)- Not now, Laverne! (he slams the receiver down)

Lauren just sits there and stares at him.

Lauren- What'd ya do that for?

Lenny gets this strange look in his eyes. Lauren sees it, jumps up, and starts running around the apartment with Lenny just a few feet behind.

THREE
L&S apartment

Laverne enters the bedroom.

Shirley Are they gonna stop being so loud up there?

Laverne- Not likely. It sounded like a party or som'en up there. Lauren picked up and while I was explainin' we were tryin' to sleep, she kept buttin' in, then Lenny hung up the phone.

Shirley- Well, that's odd. A party in the middle of the night? And why'd Lenny hang up the phone?

Laverne- I dunno. He said "not now" and hung up on me. (she gets into bed and turns off the light) Shirl?

Shirley- Yeah?

Laverne- You don't think-?

Shirley- Was Kristin there?

Laverne- I didn't hear her.

Shirley- I wonder what...

Laverne & Shirley- Nah... (they jump out of their beds, grab their robes, and run out of the apartment)

FOUR
4th floor

The girls get to the fourth floor flight of stairs and Kristin comes running down and nearly runs into them.

Shirley- Kristin, what's going on?

Kristin- Squig flipped out! He thinks that som'en happened in the boiler room when Lauren and Lenny got locked in. I know nothin' happened, but I can't get through to him and now I can't get in my apartment and... (gasps for air) I need a drink of water.

Laverne- Shirl, take Kristin down to our place and get 'er some water. I'll see what's goin' on. (she goes up the rest of the stairs and over to Lauren and Kristin's apartment; she tries the door, but it's locked) Lauren, open up!

O.S. Lauren- I'd love to, but I can't quite get over there at the moment!

Laverne goes across the hall and makes a run towards the door. She runs into the door, into the room, and onto the floor.

Laverne- Stupid... (she gets up and looks around) Lauren? (she walks through the apartment, eyeing everything; she walks behind the couch and picks up Lenny's jacket; she drops it and makes a run straight into the bedroom)

Lauren (standing on the bed, holding a baseball bat {okay, it's one of those plastic whiffle ball bats})- I swear you get any closer...!

Laverne runs and jumps on Lenny's back, knocking him over onto the bed. Lauren jups on top of the "Lenny-pile".

Lenny (out of breath)- I give up!

The girls get off and Lenny slumps down onto the floor.

Lauren- Thanks, Laverne!

Laverne- What thanks? You were the one with the bat... even if it is plastic! Ya coulda hit a homerun! Now, what the heck's goin' on?

Lauren (sternly)- Lenny?

Lenny (looks up)- What?

Lauren- Would ya care to explain to Laverne why ya just flipped out?

Lenny- Squig's mad at me cuz he thinks that som'en happened in the boiler room. I just figured that, since he's mad about som'en that didn't happen, maybe som'en else could make up for it.

Laverne- That's the stupidest explaination I've ever heard!

Lenny- Thanks.

Laverne (rolls her eyes)- I can't believe all this! I'm gonna go talk to Squiggy and clear this whole thing up. Lauren, you have my permission to pound him (points at Lenny) into the ground if he tries anything. (she leaves the room, then the apartment)

Lauren (sits on the floor by Lenny)- I should smack ya atleast once with this... (puts the bat down) but I won't.

Lenny- Why not?

Lauren- Because for some strange reason, I truly believe that that was the only thing you could think of. You thought it'd make Squig happy, but I doubt it. It'd make him angrier and it'd make me pretty angry, too!

Lenny (gives her that look that could melt the inside of an Oreo)- Sorry.

Lauren- Nope. Apology ain't enough... (she grabs his t-shirt by the collar {again!} and pulls him into a kiss)

{...ooh, they're making out!... Hey, go into the living room and sit on the couch!... No! Not in the bedroom! Take your smut into the living room! Hey, com'on now... I gotta try to keep a G/PG rating here!... Never mind}

FIVE
boys' apartment

Laverne (coming in the room)- Okay, Squig, what's your problem?

Squiggy- I ain't got no problem.

Laverne- Then why're ya so mad at Lenny?

Squiggy- Cuz I know Lenny and Krissy did find them in the boiler room.

Laverne- They got locked in! That stupid door does that to Shirl all the time!

Squiggy- An' he knew if that door closed they'd be locked in.

Laverne- you actually think he set that up? Ha! Squig, first, she could beat him up, no problem and second, haven't you been payin' attention? They really like each other!

Squiggy- So, you're sayin' Lenny didn't do that on purpose?

Laverne- Exactly.

Kristin (coming in the room)- Sorry to butt in like this, but I seem to be locked out of my own apartment.

Laverne- See, Squig? Nothin' to worry about. (she turns and leaves)