Taking A Bite Out Of The Big Apple
by Katie
Taking a Bite Out of the Big Apple
By Katie
Setting: Burbank, California, 1966. It's the day before the wedding and Shirley is coming up to ward to visit Walter the mummy. What she saw when she got there was the last thing she'd ever imagined.
Walter was out of his bandages and giving his *nurse* a spongebath. It was an ugly scene.
Shirley: Walter! How could you! We're supposed to be getting married tomorrow!
Walter: Shirl, please let me explain! it's not what it looks like!
Nurse: Yes it is..
Walter: You're not making this easy Pigeon.
Pigeon: I'm not suppose to make it easy. That's the whole point.
Laverne: Like the one on your neck, you call it a head.
Shirley: Laverne, where did you come from?
Laverne: Milwaukee, same as you Shirl.
Shirley: No, I mean..
Laverne: Oh that, I've been here for awhile, hiding out in a supply closet.
Shirley: Why on earth would you do that?
Laverne: I'll explain later. Whose Florence Trampingale?
Pigeon: Excuse me?
Walter: Ladies, This is Pigeon, my nurse and new fiancee.
Laverne: Pigeon?...Is that cause you coo or because you're a carrier of filth. ::rolling up her sleeves::
Pigeon: Well my real name used to be Shahlee Shahlah but I had it changed to Pigeon Peddles.
Shirley: Oh great Walter! you're dumping me for some bimbo named Pigeon Puddles! You deserve each other.
Pigeon: That's Peddles. I'm an entertainer and I ride a unicycle as part of my act.
Shirley: Please, I've heard enough!
Laverne: That's all I need to hear. Carmine!
Carmine: Right here Laverne! ::does a flip over one of the hospital beds, lands on his feet like a cat:: Are you okay Angelface?
Shirley: No, not really.
Carmine: Well don't worry, The Big Ragoo is here. I'll take care of this clown.
Walter: Oh yeah i'm really scared. Can't you see i'm shaking. What are you going to do, Mambo me to death?
Carmine: Whatever I do, you're gonna be glad you're already in the hospital!
Shirley: I don't think I wanna watch this.
Laverne: C'mon Shirl, let's go home, It'll be okay.
That evening in the girls apartment: Shirley is lying on the couch clutching BooBoo Kitty and staring into space. She couldn't get that picture of Walter and the nurse out of her head. Laverne was in the kitchen making some milk and pepsi and tea for Shirley. She brought the drinks into the livingroom and put them on the coffee table.
Laverne: Here ya go Shirl, some nice hot tea. Yum yum. ::waits for Shirley to answer her:: Shirl? hello...::waves hand infront of Shirley:: Earth to Shirley, time to land the balloon.
Shirley: What? ::coming out of her daze::
Laverne: Where were ya, I made your tea.
Shirley: Oh, I was just...
Laverne: Staring into space?
Shirley: No...I was..
Laverne: Flying that balloon
Shirley: No..I just can't get that scene out of my head. Vernie, I can't believe he did this to me.
Laverne: I can.
Shirley: What're you talking about.
Laverne: I knew what he was up too.
Shirley: You knew and you didn't tell me?
Laverne: Aww Shirl, I was gonna tell ya, but you had to find out for yourself before it was too late, besides would you've believed me?
Shirley: Of course, why would...::thinks about it:: no probably not.
Laverne: I'm sorry you had to go through that, but, you had to find out what kinda guy he really is.
Shirley: Lowlife...dirtbag.
Lenny and Squiggy enter on
Squiggy: Hello!
Lenny: Hi Girls. can we borrow some tanning lotion?
Shirley: What now? It's nighttime.
Laverne: Can't this wait til tomorrow?
Squiggy: What are you crazy Woman? We got a coupla L.A. beauties outside. See we're all going to the beach to get a moon tan.
Lenny: They're crazy about us...
Shirley: I can't believe this, those two morons have dates and Walter threw me back in the ocean like a dead fish. ::runs upstairs crying::
Squiggy: Aww what's with the waterworks, she can come with us if she wants.
Lenny: Yeah i'm sure the beauties won't mind. There's enough moon for everyone.
Laverne: That's awful nice of you guys, but i don't think Shirl's in the mood for tanning, here ya go.
Squiggy: Hey, we're not stupid you know, why are you giving us Mayonnaise?
Laverne: Oh we're all out of tan lotion, this works better for moon tans.
Lenny and Squiggy: Ohh...thanks Luhverne! ::they leave::
Carmine: ::entering the apartment:: You smear mayonnaise on me again and you'll never use that arm again.
Laverne: Hey Carmine.
Carmine: What's with those two jerks.
Laverne: What'd they do now?
Carmine: They put mayo on my arm and told me to get a moon tan on them. Got a washcloth Laverne?
Laverne: Yeah, up in the bathroom. Oh hey Carmine?
Carmine: ::going upstairs:: Yeah?
Laverne: C'mere for a sec.
Carmine: Okay, what's up.
Laverne: Listen, Shirl just ran up there crying, she's really upset about that creep Walter. I was hoping you'd be able to cheer her up.
Carmine: Sure, I'd do anything for you two. You can count on the Big Ragoo.
Carmine walks up the stairs and into the bathroom to wash the Miracle Whip off his arm. He walks out into the bedroom to see Shirley lying on her bed in the fetal position.
Carmine: Shirl? ::walks over to her:: Shirl?
Shirley: ::through tears:: What Carmine?
Carmine: I'm really sorry to see you hurtin so much.
Shirley: Thanks Carmine.
Carmine: Listen Shirl, he's not worth crying over. The guy treated you like dirt, he was a real jerk.
Shirley: I know...Oh Carmine! ::throws her arms around him:: it hurts so much!
Carmine: I know it does. Feels like you got your heart in your stomach?
Shirley: That's exactly how it feels.
Carmine: Yeah, I hate that feeling.
Shirley: Me too....
He hugs her tight and then starts to leave the room
Shirley: Carmine, don't leave?
Carmine: Don't you need time alone?
Shirley: That's the thing Carmine, I never wanna be alone I can't stand the thought of that.
Carmine: I was really hoping you'd say that. because I feel the same way. Shirley Feeney, we've known each other for a really long time and dated on and off. Well..what i'm trying to say is I love you very much. I always have and I always will. (a tear rolls down his cheek)
Shirley: ::softly:: Carmine...you're crying...
Carmine: Yeah I know, really babyish huh?
Shirley: No, absolutely not, It's not babyish, wimpy, or sappy.they're beautiful words to me and i love hearing them.
Carmine: Thanks Shirl, because I mean them.
They hug and start kissing when Laverne enters the room.
Laverne: Hey Shirl I was just thinking that...::sees them making out:: I have bad timing
Shirley: Yes you do, but that's okay, Carmine was just going to take a cold shower.
Carmine: No I wasn't ::gets a look from Shirley:: On second thought, that would be refreshing, it's kinda hot in here.
Laverne: Wait, don't go this includes all of us, C'mon downstairs. Everone's waiting.
Shirley: Laverne would you mind telling us what's going on,
Laverne: I will downstairs, now come on.
Everyone is gathered in the livingroom waiting for Laverne to speak.
Laverne: I bet you're all wondering why i called you over here.
Squiggy: Well it better be good, we had to cut our moontanning short
Lenny: Our dates had to be home by midnight.
Carmine: I didn't know the Humane Society had a curfew.
Rhonda: Carmine! You know that's not true. Everyone knows at the stroke of midnight, they turn into pumpkins.
Everyone laughs except for Squiggy. He sees Lenny laughing and elbows him in the stomach, making him stop.
Frank: Can we get on with this I got Rooster Ribs waiting to be barbecued!
Edna: The ribs will wait. Lord knows I have.
Frank: What's that suppose to mean?
Edna: We'll talk about it later, not infront of the kids.
Laverne: Could I please tell you what i called you all here for?
Everyone: Fine!
Laverne: Okay then, I just got this great idea. Everybody's been really edgy lately and I think we all need a new start. So my idea is to move to New York City.
They all start griping and complaing at once. about how this was really bad timing and you have to plan something like that way in advance and it's gonna cost tons of money. Laverne asks them to atleast think about it. So they all leave so they can start thinking about it.
Shirley: Are you crazy? we can't just pick up and move to New York.
Laverne: Why not, Shirl? I think it would be great. Give me three reasons why we shouldn't do this.
Shirley: Alright I will. 1. We don't have the money, 2. We can't just quit our jobs, Mr. Hildebrandt is starting to warm up to us. and 3.
Snow! i've gotten used to January being a warm month, I don't think i can adjust to snow in the wintertime.
Laverne: Shirl, I've been saving money, Look at this, it's from Burbank Savings and Loan. 2. Mr. Hildebrandt couldn't warm up to anyone, even on a really good day. 3. You've only lived here a year, I don't think that's enough time to get used to warm winters.
Shirley: Wow you really have been saving. But do you think that's enough?
Laverne: Sure, besides if the others decide to move with us? we can pool our money together and get a house or something.
Shirley: Well, I admit, I miss white Christmases, and it would be romantic to take a carriage ride through Central Park with Carmine. we can get jobs at Macy's. I wouldn't miss the earthquakes.
At Frank and Edna's trailer.
Edna: Well I guess it's settled then. I'll call my cousin Irene in Queens and let her know we're moving there.
Frank: Great. I'll call my mother and tell her i'm moving back to New York. I hope she doesn't pull my moustache.
Edna: How can she do that over the phone?
Frank: Edna, you don't know my mama, she can do that.
Edna: Frank?
Frank: What?
Edna: Are you sure we're doing the right thing.
Frank: What kinda question is that, Of COURSE i'm sure ::rambles off in Italian as he exits into the bedroom::
Carmine's Apartment
Carmine's mind: I don't know why i need to think this over. It's not like anything would ever happen for me out here. I belong on Broadway. I'll miss the warm winters though. ::But I won't miss the earthquakes. I'll miss my angelface if she moves to New York and I stay here. I can't live without Shirley and then there's Laverne, she's like a sister to me. Mr and Mrs. DeFazio are like parents to me. It looks like I'm moving to New York.
Lenny and Squiggy's Apartment
Lenny: Woohoo! we're movin to the big apple.
Squiggy: Don't forget the Miracle Whip!
They say that Manhattan Moontans are the best in all da land.
Lenny: Who's that?
Squiggy: Them. You know.
Lenny: Oh yeah them, what was I thinking.
Squiggy: I don't know Len, I didn't even know you thunk.
Lenny: I do not, I just took a shower.
Squiggy: Forget it Len, Just pack some trash bags.
Lenny: Why, we have suitcases.
Squiggy: No we don't, I sold them to gypsies for some magic tea leaves. What a ripoff.
Lenny: Well just as long as you didn't use my sock money. that's gonna get us an apartment in New York.
Back at Laverne and Shirley's apartment
Laverne: C'mon Shirl, whatta ya say...
Shirley: Well....well....I....::playing back the Walter scene in her head:: Okay let's do it.
Laverne: Great! I'll call our friends.
Laverne gets on the phone and talks to her parents and friends Everyone decides to move to New York. A month of planning and preparing goes by and the girls are spending the last night in L.A. in their apartment in sleeping bags.
Laverne: ::sitting indian style on her sleeping bag, playing guitar:: We're moving to New York... and leaving Burbank. Earthquakes really really stank....
Shirley: Laverne, that's an interesting song, but don't you think you should get some sleep. we have an long day ahead of us tomorrow.
Laverne: Yeah I will just one more chord....Doobee doobee doobee.
Shirley: Okay, now go to sleep.
Laverne: You never did appreciate great music did you.
Shirley: Of course I do, let me know when you play some.
Laverne: Hahaha, very droll Shirl, G'night.
The Next Day is moving day. The girls take care of last minute details, takes a ton of pictures .
Shirley: Wow, I can't believe it. I know we only spent one year here but
Laverne: I know what you're thinkin Shirl. We had alot of good times here.
Shirley: We'll have more good times back East.
Laverne: Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna miss Sonny though.
Shirley: You really liked him huh, He was nice. I'll sorta miss Rhonda. like a migraine.
They laugh and take one last look around. They pile into the Ice Cream truck that they rode out in from Milwaukee. Lenny hangs a Big Apple or bust sign on the back and jumps in. Carmine jumps in the backseat of the girls car and he, Frank and Edna follow behind the truck. As they drive away, the song "I'll take Manhattan" is played, the camera pulls back until you see the Freeway the gang's vehicles blending in with the traffic.
The End
*Next episode of Laverne and Shirley will be in New York*
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