Detachment

By Shotzette

PG-13

 

 

 

“Even More” Universe

 

 

 

This is only a work of fan fiction, written for giggles and grins, not dollars and cents.  Relax and enjoy!  It is not intended to infringe upon any coprights or intellectual properties of anyone living, dead, or imaged.  Paramount and Viacom have nothing to worry about.

 

 

 

Carmine turned the doorknob slowly, and pushed the door forward, being careful to lift it slightly past the squeaky 45-degree mark.  He breathed a sigh of relief as silence greeted his ears.  Once again, he mentally made a note to call their lazy building superintendent to fix the damn thing.

 

He shook his head in frustration.  Here he was, coming home after two weeks on the left coast to the woman he loved.  The last thing he needed running through his mind was the stooped and wizened sight of Benny, their building super.

 

Quietly he tiptoed down the six-foot entryway and turned into the one room apartment he shared with his beloved.  The sight on him on their queen-sized mattress took his breath away.

 

Laverne.  With another man.

 

The bum was on his stomach, snoring quietly into the pillow.  All Carmine could make out was a dark head of hair and a forearm draped lazily over his woman.

 

The green eyes regarding him from the bed let him know that he hadn’t been as quiet as he’d hoped.

 

“You’re back,” she said in her flat, Brooklyn monotone.

 

Dumbly he nodded.

 

Laverne spared the man in the bed a sidelong glance.  “You left.”

 

“I came back.”  His words sounded tinny and far away to his ears, like a narrator on a cheap transistor radio.

 

She shook her head again.  “How was I supposed to know that?”

 

“But…”

 

The green eyes were now filled with tears, and Laverne’s voice was more childlike than he’d ever heard it before.  “You left me, Carmine.  You left…”

 

“No!  I came back. That’s gotta mean something.  I came back, I …”

 

 

 

 

“Carmine!”  The petite hand on his shoulder shook him with a surprising amount of strength.  “Wake up!”

 

“I--  Shirley?”  His eyes flew open, as he gasped for air.

 

She smiled, a familiar sight under the unfamiliar blonde hair.  “You were dreaming.  It sounded more like a nightmare, though.”

 

He smiled sheepishly, far too aware that he was sweating profusely.  He took a deep breath as his eyes took in the sunny apartment and the garishly bright blue couch.  Shirley’s apartment, he realized.  Burbank.  “Jet lag,” he said as he tried to lighten the mood.  “My head thinks that it’s 11 o clock, and I was up most of the night packing.”

 

“Packing?”  Shirley said, with a slight edge to her voice.

 

Too soon, he thought to himself, too soon, Ragusa.  “Most of the night,” he admitted aloud.  Carmine groaned as he rose from her couch and stood up, rubbing his lower back.  “I can’t believe I fell asleep on your couch.  He grimaced as he looked at his watch.  “Thanks for letting me borrow your phone to call Laverne and let her know I got here safe and sound.  You know how she is about flying.”

 

Shirley grinned and nodded, “Better than anyone.  Carmine…”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“You, uh…”

 

“Yes, Shirl.  I called her collect.  She says hi.  She woulda said more, but she was running out to work”. 

 

“It sounds like she has her hands full.”

 

“She does, but she’s liking it.  The money is pretty good, and she rakes in a lot of tips.”

 

Shirley smiled again, a real one, not the polite forced ones he’d seen too many of that afternoon.  “Good for her.”

 

“It was real nice of you to ask me over.”

 

“I was real nice of you to pay for the groceries.  The studio was very generous to give you an advance.”

 

He grimaced.  “It’s not really an advance.  They called it a stipend, cause it ain’t enough to be called money.  I won’t get a real paycheck until next Friday.”

 

“Ooh… Finally a big spender, eh carmine?”

 

His smile fell slightly, as too many evenings of Dutch treat with this woman flashed before his eyes.  No big mystery why she’d always had one eye out of an available businessman or doctor.  “No.  I can make due on the stipend until the next check.  I’m sending the first one back home to Laverne.”

 

Shirley looked momentarily uncomfortable before her Perfect Hostess smile popped back into place.  “Oh,” she said.  “That’s nice of you.”

 

“Nice got nothing to do with it.  We’ve got bills, and it ain’t fair for me to stick her with all of them while I’m here.”  An awkward silence fell.  Sensing the need to change the subject of his living arrangements with Laverne to something much safer, Carmine once again began to pace in the spacious apartment. 

 

“I love it.  You even have stairs,” he said, trotting up the short flight and sliding down the banister, “It’s like a real house.”

 

Shirley smiled at him indulgently.  “No, just an apartment.  A classy and tastefully decorated apartment…”

 

“Hello!”  The nasal voice went through him like a hot knife through butter.

 

“Squig?” Carmine asked, blinking his eyes in disbelief.

 

The other man seemed to be equally taken aback.  “The big raccoon?  What gives?  I thought we left you in Peewaukee?”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Squiggy rolled his eyes.  “I live here.  He took more punches to the head than I realized,” he added as an aside to Shirley.

 

Carmine’s jaw dropped.  “Squiggy lives here?”

 

Shirley nodded, her cheeks flushed but her jaw was stuck out defiantly.  “With Lenny.”

 

Carmine’s jaw threatened to become one with the floorboards.  “Lenny lives here?  Shirley, I’m still reeling from you going blond.”

 

This time it was Shirley’s turn to roll her eyes in exasperation.  “We’re roommates, Carmine.  This is a two-bedroom apartment,” she clarified.

 

Squiggy smirked.  “Yeah, lucky for us Lenny don’t mind sleeping by his lonesome.  OOF!” he grunted as Shirley’s bony elbow connected with his rib cage.

 

Carmine was still in shock.  “You live with Lenny and Squiggy, “ he mumbled.  “I can’t believe it.”

 

Shirley frowned.  “You live with Laverne.”

 

“That’s different.” He replied, as he inwardly begged the universe to start making sense again.  Shirley?  Living with a guy?  Living with two guys?  Living with Lenny and Squiggy?  The world had gone insane.  For the hundredth time that day, he wished Laverne were beside him.  If for nothing more to prove that he hadn’t lost his mind.

 

Shirley’s voice caught a bit.  “Yes, Carmine.  It’s very different.”

 

“So, Carmine.  Where is the old ball and crane?”

 

“She’s back in New York, Squig.”  Carmine smiled.  As annoying as Squiggy was, at least he was a familiar-if not pleasant face.  With a small chill, he realized that Laverne was his only real tie to New York-or anywhere, really.

 

The little man was not about to be put off so easily.  “Does she know you ain’t there?  Or is this a little something-something…” he asked with a sneer.

 

Before Carmine could reply to, or take a swing at Squiggy, Shirley interjected, “Of course, Laverne knows!  Carmine is here shooting a film!”

 

“Well, la di da…”  Squiggy pulled Shirley aside and began to lecture, much to Carmine’s amusement.  “Shirley, you gotta wise up.  Every guy out here knows that line.  I’ve used it very successfully myself, and…”

 

“It’s for real, Squig.  I got a role in a Dean Martin movie.”

 

Shirley yanked her arm out of Squiggy’s grasp before saying proudly.  “It’s a western.  Carmine plays the piano player that gets shot.”

 

Carmine squirmed.  “Well.. I do more than that.  My character is singing in the back ground earlier in the movie.  Before, I’m shot and all,” he finished, lamely.

 

“And you’re here why?”  No one had noticed that Lenny had quietly entered through the back door.

 

“Lenny.”  Carmine felt his fists involuntarily clench as the memory of Lenny’s angry words to Laverne wafted to him through the air duct in the laundry room.

 

The other man’s reply was equally cold.  “Carmine.  You didn’t answer my question.”

 

Shirley giggled, a strained sound that betrayed her nerves.  “Carmine and I ran into each other at the super market.”

 

Carmine forced a smile.  “Yeah.  I just got in town today and was in a hurry to load up on cheap food to take back to my hotel.”

 

“And I invited him back here for dinner,” Shirley finished.

 

Lenny’s expression was unreadable.  “Oh.  So I guess you’ll want the place to yourselves.  It’s okay, me and Squig can find other plans…” he said as he turned to leave.

 

Shirley reached out and grabbed Lenny’s upper arm.  "Wait, I thought we could all have dinner together….”  She said, plaintively.

 

Lenny shrugged, his new nonchalance a far cry from the big spaz that Carmine remembered.

 

Dinner was mostly uneventful.  Carmine concentrated on his food, occasionally sneaking peaks at his companions.  Squiggy was face down in his plate most of the time, sparing Carmine watching the sight of the little man eating, and Lenny merely moved his food around his plate.

 

Forcing himself to be on, a skill he hadn’t had much use for outside of auditions in the last months, he said, “This is great Shirl!”

 

“Thank you, Carmine.  I got the recipe from Good Housekeeping.”

 

Squiggy grimaced.  “I don’t know, Shirl.  I think this chicken would taste better with more ketchup and less mushrooms.”

 

“Idiot!  That’s not ketchup, it’s barbecue sauce.”

 

“Pardon me, I see red and runny and I think ketchup.”

 

“It’s great, Shirl,” Carmine interrupted.  “Thanks for letting me share.”

 

Lenny smirked.  “I think Laverne’s the one sharing tonight…”

 

“What Lenny means is, that we’re all happy to see you,” Shirley said nervously, shooting daggers at Lenny with her eyes.

 

Lenny apparently ignored Shirley’s censure.  “Yeah, Carmine.  Why ain’t Laverne here, anyhow?

 

Vowing to take the high road, Carmine replied, “She had to work.  Her boss just made her assistant manager.”

 

Shirley’s eyes widened.  “Oooh… Management!  Gosh, I’m proud of her,” the sincere look in her eyes, and wistful tone belying more than her words could say.

 

Carmine grinned, relieved to have the mood lightened.  “Me too!  She’s so good at her job.”

 

Lenny snorted, apparently unable to let the subject drop.  “I guess all them years working for her Pop taught her something.  I bet Mr. DeFazio would have loved it if she stayed in Milwaukee and helped him run the Pizza Bowl.”  Lenny’s expression was no longer blank, and his blue eyes had taken on a baleful expression.

 

“Lenny…” Shirley warned.

 

“No, Shirl, it’s okay,” Carmine said, tired of being the only one on the high road, “Laverne don’t live in Milwaukee no more, Lenny,” he said flatly, as he rose from the table.  “She lives in New York with me.  Even if she was in Milwaukee, she wouldn’t be working for her Pop, because all he ever let her do was wait tables when he wasn’t nagging her to get married and give him grandchildren.  What part of that don’t you understand?”

 

Lenny threw his napkin on the table angrily.  “I don’t understand how you can cheat on your girlfriend with her best friend, Carmine.  I also don’t understand how you can just use a girl and not marry her.  Then again,” he said as he rose to his feet and strode out of the room, “I ain’t you!”

 

“Carmine, I’m sorry,” Shirley said, her face white with shock.

 

Carmine let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as he sank back into his chair.  “Wow.”

 

Squiggy looked up from his plate.  “Do you want your peas?”

 

 

***

 

 

The phone rang, and Laverne lurched forward to grab the receiver.  “Hello?”

 

“Laverne, it’s me!”

 

“Carmine!  Thanks for calling me back.  How is everyone?  I miss you all so much!”

 

“I got great news!  The director liked my singing so much that he wants me to meet a record producer friend of his!  They’re already talking about a single!”

 

“Carmine that’s wonderful!  I can’t wait to see you!  When you get home next week, we can really celebrate!  I bought this sexy little black lace…”

 

“Uh yeah, about that.  Look, there ain’t no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it.  This week out here’s been a real eye opener.  I’ve got a lot of opportunities right at my fingertips, and I’d be crazy not to take them.”

 

A chill ran through Laverne, and against her better judgment, she asked, “And?’

 

“I’ve been spending a lot of time with Shirley.  This week has made me realize that I never really got over her.”

 

Laverne’s stomach lurched and threatened to spill it’s contents on the cheap throw rug beneath her feet.  “Carmine…”

 

“I love her, Laverne.  It’s the real thing.  I asked her to marry me tonight…” 

 

Laverne’s mouth hung open, her lips moving but unable to form words.

 

“I’m sorry, Laverne.  I knew the second that I ran into Shirley at the supermarket today that she was the only woman I ever loved, ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with…”

 

 

NO!!  Laverne sat up in bed, gasping and alone.  It took her eyes long moments to adjust to the darkness, revealing an empty apartment, and an emptier space beside her in bed.  Despite the summer heat, she was shivering as she burrowed more deeply under the thin blanket.

 

The phone rang, it’s shrill bleat jarring her in the darkness of the too still apartment.  With a shaking hand, she managed to get up the nerve to answer it by the sixth ring.  “Hello?” she said in a whisper.

 

“DeFazio?” a loud masculine voice barked.

 

“Vic?”  Laverne would have known that nicotine rasped sound anywhere.

 

“Get down here pronto…”

 

Squinting, she glanced at the tiny alarm clock on the windowsill by the bed.  “Vic, it’s 4:30 in the morning.”

 

“Now, DeFazio…” he bellowed before the line went dead.

 

Laverne groaned as she hung up the phone.  Four thirty after not getting home after one.  Then again, the rationalized as she looked around the empty apartment, what did she have to come home to?

 

FIN

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