Perfection
By Shotzette




Perfection
By Shotzette
Rated G
This is only a work of fan fiction. It was written for laughs and warm fuzzies, not for dollars and cents. It is not intended to infringe upon any copyrights belonging to anyone.
Norman stirred the remaining ice slivers in his all but empty glass of Pepsi and reminded himself to remain calm for the hundredth time in the last hour. He wasn't successful and begrudgingly acknowledged that his instructor at the Academy was probably right when he wouldn't sign off on his application to be a hostage negotiator. He stunk at stuff like this.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. He'd planned a special and really classy evening. He thought that Laverne would be excited about his surprise. When he got to her apartment, he could tell that she'd just had her hair done and was wearing a brand new dresses. Luckily, he saw the price tag and they were able to cut it off before they left. Laverne was positively glowing until he told her that he'd made reservations at La Fondue. Then she just got quiet.
He had started to babble, like he always tended to do. He'd suggested Phister Phongs, and was just about to suggest Moby Dominicks-okay, definitely a mistake, when she suggested the Pizza Bowl.
The Pizza Bowl. The night before a Brewer's game. Great... He looked around the crowded and loud room. Hound dog blared on the juke box as Shotz workers loudly speculated about how the Brewers would make the White Sox wish they'd stayed in Chicago. The air was heavy with the smell of beer, garlicky pizza, and sweat. Not exactly the romantic evening he'd envisioned.
He watched Laverne as she stood across the room and put a comforting arm around a crying Shirley while glaring at Carmine and the statuesque blond who'd draped herself over the squat dancer.
Norman rested his face in his hands and moaned softly. Could it get any worse?
"Hello!"
He opened his eyes and immediately winced as Squiggy and Lenny seated themselves at his table; which was built for two. Only two.
"What's up with you, Officer Crapkey?
Lenny guffawed at his buddy's joke as he helped himself to Norman's nearly full beer mug.
"Nothing much guys," he sighed. The night was ruined, he may as well embrace his failure to it's fullest.
"Me and my boy Lenny," Squiggy said in between nauseatingly open-mouthed bites of Norman's pizza, "was wondering why you ain't partaking in the festivicles." Squiggy's eyes narrowed. "You ain't some sort of undercover Sox fan, are ya?"
Lenny spit sprayed a misting mouthful of beer across Norman and the rest of the table. "Say it ain't so, Squig! It would break poor Vernie's heart."
Norman spirits lifted a tiny bit. "Ya think?" These clowns thought Laverne liked him enough to be upset over something like a rival team?
Lenny looked at him and nodded. "Sometimes..." Lenny's eyes seemed to lose focus for a moment. "What?"
"Nothing." Norman's shoulders slumped into defeat. "Hey guys, leave some of the pizza for me and Laverne, okay."
Squiggy dropped his well nibbled crust back on to the pizza tin like it had polio. "Well la-di-da! There's enough for you Officer Porky. I don't think Laverne wants any anyhow. That sailor just gave her a piece of his pie and bought her a beer."
"What?" Norman's head spun around and his jaw nearly hit the floor as he saw Laverne drinking a beer and talking with a tall-freakishly tall, and skinny, sailor by the bar.
Lenny snorted and abruptly leapt up from the table, nearly overturning the table and scattering chairs in his wake. "Hey Squig, let's go join Laverne over there. Maybe Shirley's brother will buy us drinks too."
Norman blinked in surprise. "Shirley's brother? I didn't know she had a brother." He craned his neck to stare at the couple standing at the bar, subtlety having long gone out the window. "Man, those two don't look anything alike."
"Don't even start with that," Squiggy warned.
Lenny smirked. "Yeah, don't... Cheez it, Squig; Mrs. Babish at two o'clock!" The tall man clumsily dove under the tiny table.
Squiggy looked straight up, and then at the floor. "Where?" He jumped as Edna Babish grabbed his left trapezoid in a death grip, her red nails digging deeply into his leather jacket. "Oh, hi Mrs. B.," he said in a high pitched sing-song voice.
"You said she was at two o clock," Squiggy growled as he glared at Lenny.
Lenny shrugged. "You know I don't wear a watch, Squig."
"Hello, boys," Edna said in a sweetly deadly voice, "How nice it is you two can enjoy an evening out."
"Yes, yes it is," the mumbled as their greased heads bobbed in unison.
"It's great to see you enjoy yourselves; eating pizza and drinking beer."
Norm didn't exactly know why, but the hair on the back of his neck was standing up and the temperature of the room seemed to drop a few degrees.
Lenny grinned at Edna witlessly. "It's the little things that make life worthwhile now, eh Mrs. B?"
She nodded, and Normal realized that she wasn't so much as smiling as she was showing teeth. "Yes, especially since you told me you were broke and I've let you slide by two weeks late with the rent."
Both men looked stunned. Their mouths opened and closed, but no sounds came out, much to Norman's relief.
Edna nodded. "Yes, I thought that would be your response. Y'know, I may be willing to let you slide on the rent for another week..." her voice trailed off.
Both Lenny and Squiggy leaned towards her and said, "Yes..."
"If you hightail it into the kitchen and start with the dishes! Frank underestimated the crowd and let Lou take the night off."

Norman's spirits lifted a tiny bit as the two buffoons shuffled away to the kitchen of the Pizza Bowl. "Thanks, he said as he smiled at Edna. A big silly grin full of gratitude threatened to split his broad face.
Edna smiled at him, but her eyes were steely. "Don't mention it, Chubby."
Norman winced at the jab, but since his good dress belt was threatening to given him an appendectomy in front of one and all, he couldn't really argue with her. His eyes scanned the room again. Loud Shotz workers check; Edna clearing tables, check; Shirley's alleged brother now dancing with an almost equally tall brunette, check; and a no longer crying Shirley slow-dancing with Carmine, check. Everyone was accounted for but his dream girl and...
SLAM! The sound of the bussing tray being slammed onto the table in front of him brought Norman's attention back to the here and now.
Frank De'Fazio scowled at him, looking, as always, like a homicidal walrus. "The table's for paying customers only."
"I paid! Okay, Laverne said that we could put it on her tab, but," he sputtered helplessly as he gestured to the empty beer mugs and pizza bones," I didn't get to eat any of this stuff."
"You? What about my daughter? She's been running herself into the ground taking care of her best friend..."
"--who no longer needs taking care of..." Norman felt his face heating up as the last ounce of patience left him.
"That ain't the point! You've been sitting on your keister all night drinking beer and stuffing your face, while my little Muffin..."
"Your little Muffin!" Norm leapt out of his chair. "I don't know where your little Muffin is because this night has been a disaster!" His voice rose, drowning out the idle conversations around him. "I wanted to take her to a classy, nice place! I sure as hell didn't want to propose to her and give her this ring," he hollered as he fished a small black velvet box out of his pants pocket and slammed it onto the table, "in this overrated greasy spoon."
Frank fell silent and his dark eyes widened.
"What? You've got nothing else to say, Old Man?"
"Turn around," Frank said in a hushed tone.
Norman got a horrible feeling in his gut and turned around slowly to see her.
Laverne stood in front of him, her new dress covered with a pizza sauce stained apron. "Ring?" Her normally nasal tone was reduced to a whisper.
Norman slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "I-I didn't want to do it this way. I wanted to propose to the perfect girl in the perfect way and nothing has gone right tonight."
"I know. It's been a crazy night," she said, glaring briefly at Shirley and Carmine, "but it's going okay now."
"Yeah. Yeah, it is." He knelt down on one knee and winced at the sound of his pants ripping.
"Forget about it, I'll sew them up for you later," Laverne said as she extended her left hand.
He took her hand and swallowed before looking into her eyes. "Laverne, I love you. Will you marry me?"
Her green eyes filled with tears. "Yeah, Norman, I'll marry you."
All other sounds and sights faded away as he took her into his arms and kissed her as he marveled at the perfection of the moment.

FIN