PG

Shotzette

 

Carmine smiled as he stealthily snuck up on the woman who was intently staring into her kitchen cupboard.  He knew her so well; he could practically hear her voice inside of his own head.  Frosted Flakes or Rice Crispies?  The choice was never easy. 

 

“Hey,” he said in soft voice.

 

He knew she hated surprises, but the picture that she presented, leaning forward in her robe—and how little was beneath it—was too tempting to pass up.  She whirled in surprise and nearly knocked him to the ground when he goosed her, cereal flying from the opened box in her hand and spewing out around them in a crunchy semi circle. 

 

“Carmine!”  Laverne mock glared at him as she swatted his shoulder.

 

“Sorry, couldn’t resist,” he said as he pulled her close, cutting off her retort with his lips.

 

She glowered at him for an entire three seconds before her lower lip started to twitch.  “You’re forgiven.  I was going to surprise you with breakfast.”

 

 

“ As much as I love Rice Crispies—especially if the secret toy surprise is still in there—I gotta run.”

 

“Why?“

 

Now it was his turn to give her a withering look.  “The audition I told you about last night?  You know, the one that I have to be at in an hour and a half.  Weren’t you listening?”

 

“You distracted me,” she said as she pressed against him.

 

“Yeah?”  He started to respond to her nearness, a near miracle after all they had done last night…  “Well, you sort of distracted my brains out.”

 

“Carmine!”

 

“Yeah.  I mean, you’ve never let me stay over before.  I liked sleeping over last night. You never seemed to want to stay, y’know, after, before.”  He groaned inwardly and wondered why, as always, his usual smooth words abandoned him when he was with this woman.

 

Laverne shrugged.  “I wanted to.  I just didn’t want to pressure you.”

 

“No pressure here.”  He stepped closer to her again, all joking gone from his demeanor.  “I like being with you.  I like us, Laverne.”

 

I’m glad that you’re saying that we are an us.  Y’know, if you didn’t have to go to your audition, we could forget the cereal and go back up stairs…”

 

“Only you could make me think of skipping out on an audition,” he said as he began to nuzzle her neck before trying to picture rotten vegetables in his head and stepping away from her.

 

Laverne smiled before gently shoving him away.  “I think that Squiggy would kill me if I stopped you from going to that audition over at Paramount.  He’s been telling everyone within earshot how hard he had to—and by he, I’m sure he meant ‘Lenny’--work to get you the audition.”

 

“Yeah, every time he tells the story, the amount of hours that he and Lenny spent hiding behind the producer’s dumpster increases.”

 

“And the garbage truck that winged Lenny goes faster each time he tells it too.  Besides, Squiggy is already calling me ‘Yoko’.”

 

“To your face?”

 

“You knew?”

 

“It’s Squiggy, no one listens.”

 

“If you’re going to get to Culver City in an hour and a half, you need to move it.  Wanna shower?”  Laverne leaned back against the blank and looped the sash of her bathrobe around her hands suggestively.

 

“If I get into your shower, we both know that I ain’t coming out for at least two hours,” Carmine growled.  “Besides, I already thought of that when I was brushing my teeth, and I looked and you’re out of shampoo…”

 

“You brushed your teeth?  With what?”

 

“The toothbrush.”

 

“You mean MY toothbrush?”

 

“Uh, yeah….”

 

“Ewww…”

 

“What, eww?   C’mon, it’s me!”

 

“Yeah, but it’s my toothbrush…”

 

“After everything we’ve been doing for the last few months, you’re squeamish about me putting your toothbrush in my mouth?”

 

“No.  Okay, a little.  Yeah….”

 

“You are too funny.”

 

“Well, why don’t you just park your toothbrush over here so we don’t have to go thru this again?”

 

“Really?  You want me to leave my toothbrush here?”  He said as he moved closer to her, pinning her between his pelvis and the counter top.

 

“Well, I…  I mean it doesn’t have to be yours…  I wasn’t asking for anything else.  You can always buy a spare one, y’know, they’re just fifteen cents at the five and dime…” Her eyes grew wide as her words flew faster from her lips.

 

He grinned at the pink flush that had crept up her cheeks.  “I love teasing you.  Okay, Laverne.  I’ll come by tonight with my brand new, still in the wrapper, spare toothbrush.  How does that sound?”

 

“Hmmm… Just showing up?  That’s kind of like you’re expecting something, Ragusa…”

 

“How about I show up with the toothbrush and a coupon for that new Chinese restaurant down the block?”

 

“Now that sounds like an offer I can’t refuse.  Not that I’d want to…”

 

“How does six o’clock sound?”

 

“How about six thirty?”

 

“Done.  See you then.”

 

“Break a leg.”

 

“Laverne…”

 

“What, I don’t wanna jinx you!”

 

“It won’t jinx me,” he said as he rolled his eyes in exasperation.

 

“Okay, good luck,” she said as his hand reached the doorknob.

 

The doorknob twisted in his hand as if of it’s own accord before flying open.  An extremely pregnant Shirley Feeney Meaney stood before him with red-rimmed eyes and a suitcase in each hand.

 

His jaw threatened to collide with the floor.  “Shirley?”

 

“Carmine,” she wailed before throwing herself into his arms.

 

 

“So she told the head transport guy at the airfield that her mother was sick and got on the first plane out of there!”

 

“Shirley lied to Uncle Sam?”  Lenny’s blue eyes were incredulous.

 

Carmine shrugged as he took another sip of his Coyote Sodey.  “I think Barb has a bunion or something.  Honestly, I don’t even think that Mrs. Feeney knows Shirley’s back in the states.”

 

“You want I should call her?”

 

“No!  I mean, c’mon, Len.  Shirley’s got enough on her plate without adding her mother to the mix.”

 

“So what did Walter do?”

 

He shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Shirley was bawling, Laverne started to cry when she saw Shirley, I had an audition to get to…”

 

“Uh, yeah.  About that.”  Lenny squirmed in his seat the way he had right before he’d been diagnosed with ringworm in tenth grade.

 

Carmine’s heart skipped a beat.  “Did I get the part?”

 

“The producers decided to go another way,” Lenny said, as he took a quick sip of his beer and looked at the suddenly fascinating formica countertop of their booth.

 

“Which means?”

 

“Me and Squig really should read the script better and realized that “Paul” was really “Paula”.  Sorry.”

 

“Well, now I know why the casting director wanted to know if I brought a ball gown with me.  Thanks a lot, Len.”

 

“Sorry.  On the bright side, I think that we can get you in for a cold reading at Columbia and we’re even pretty sure it’s a role for a guy this time.  Honest.”

 

“Let me get back to you on that.”

 

The platters of burgers landed noisily on the tabletop, causing Carmine to nearly jump out of his skin.  He managed a wan smile as he looked up into beady and angry eyes.

 

“Enjoy your dinner, Lenny,” Frank DeFazio growled as he glared at Carmine.

 

“He ain’t getting over you dating Laverne, is he?”

 

“He ain’t mad cuz we’re dating, he’s mad that we didn’t tell him and he walked in on us in the freezer in the back.  Len, quit biting your palm.  You’re almost thirty.”

 

Lenny cocked his head in the manner of a confused terrier.  “So I should switch to the left one?”

 

Carmine shook his head, and wondered why he hadn’t really made any new friends in Burbank.  “Never mind.  I don’t think he’s quite got that image out of his head yet.  Just a word to the wise, for a portly guy, he can still run real fast.”

 

“That’s good to know.  So…”

“So what?”  Carmine took another sip of soda.

 

Lenny looked at him like he was the dumbest thing that ever climbed out from under it’s rock.  “So what do you think of the Beatles new album?  C’mon, Carmine!  What do you think?  What are you going to do now that Shirley’s back in town?”  Lenny’s hands gripped the seat of his chair as if to keep both of his palms from flying into his mouth of their own accord.

 

Carmine shook his head.  “Nothing’s changed.”

 

“My under wear did last Thursday.”

 

“Never tell me anything like that again, okay?”

 

“Everything’s changed, Carmine!  Shirley’s back…”

 

“And married,” he said meaningfully, but not knowing if it was for Lenny’s benefit or his own.  “I mean, I don’t know the whole story…”

 

“Was Shirley making that whiny noise that she makes when she cries?”

 

“The one that makes the muscles in your neck clench up?”  Carmine winced at the memory.  “Yeah.”

 

“Squiggy still claims that the sound of her crying made some of his moth’s sterile.”

 

“How does—never mind.  Len, the point is that whatever is going on with Shirley and Walter, it don’t matter.  I’m dating Laverne now; period, end of story.”

 

“It’s going to be weird.”

 

“You’d know…”

 

“What?”

 

“I said I gotta go.  You can have my burger, Len.”  He smiled evilly as the other man crammed half of the sandwich in his mouth.  “God only knows what Frank did to it,” he muttered as he walked out the door.

 

The door flew open before Carmine could even knock on it.   Funny thing, when he had been dating Shirley, he’d just walked in unannounced without giving it a single thought.  Now that he was dating Laverne, he always made a point of knocking.  It was like he was too afraid to take anything for granted.  Not that she’d ever denied him anything.

 

“Hi ho, neighbor,” trilled a saccharin soprano from about a foot above his head.

 

“Hi Rhonda,” he said looking past the statuesque blond into the living room.  “What’s up?”

 

“Rhonda was just hearing about poor Shirley’s plight…  Such a sad tale, betrayal, abandonment in a foreign land…  Carmine,” she said as she clutched his arm as if struck by sudden inspiration, “Rhonda can’t wait to use this for her next dramatic audition.”

 

“You’re all heart there, Rhonda.”

 

Rhonda gave him a playful wink.  “Where your eyes are looking, you’d know.”  Turning, she yelled over her shoulder.  “See you later Laverne.  Have fun with your harem, handsome.”

 

“Harem?  What’s with her?”

 

“Who knows?”  Laverne turned away from him and stomped back into her living room.  “Maybe all of that peroxide has finally eaten through her scalp.”

 

“How’s Shirley doing?”

 

Laverne’s eyes narrowed and she shot him a withering look.  She’s on the phone upstairs talking to Walter.  Why don’t you trot up there and ask her yourself?

 

“Maybe later…  What’s up with you?”

 

“Thank you for asking,” she said, as her tone dripped with sarcasm.  “I was late to work today thanks to everything,” she said, emphasizing the word ‘everything’, “and we were supposed to test a new gadget and everyone and his brother was there to see me rush in an hour late.  I guess you can figure out how well that went over.”

 

Her rotten mood made him assume the worst.  “Yikes.  What happened?  Did they fire you?”

 

Laverne snorted and looked away, “No, but I got written up and ol’ Bullets just had a field day with it.  I ended up ‘volunteering’ for the weekend shift tomorrow and I ain’t even gonna get over time for it.”

 

“Ouch.  So I guess that you’re not in the mood for Chinese tonight.”

 

“Why?  Don’t you wanna go out with me?”

 

He blinked in surprise.  “Yeah, I do. I just figured that with Shirley…”

“With Shirley being here, it’s over between us?”  Her words came out in a gush, like water bursting through a dam.

 

“No, I though that you’d want to spend time with her during her time of need.  Jeez, Laverne!  What’s going through your brain?”

 

She shook her head.  “I’m sorry.  I’m just, it’s just—it’s just been a long awful day.”

 

“I know, it wasn’t exactly a picnic for me either, y’know.”

 

“Let me guess, you didn’t get the audition?”

 

Her words hit him like a physical blow.  “Why would you automatically assume that?”

 

“Well, you were so excited about it last night, and…” 

 

“And you didn’t think I had a shot?” 

 

“No!  I mean, I know it’s rough out there, Carmine,” Laverne explained.  “I’ve been keeping score.  You lose out at more auditions than you get.”

 

“What!”  He sat down on the couch numbly as his brain fought to process her words.  She’d been keeping score.  Somewhere in his girlfriend’s mind, there was a big old chart of his failures and shortcomings.  The thought sickened him.

 

“That didn’t come out right,” she said, wincing.  “I mean, I know that you’re competing against a lot of other guys…”

 

“And they got talent and I don’t?”  Is this what she really thought about him?

 

“NO!  You all pretty much have talent, but you told me yourself that casting directors sometimes just want one certain look or type and focus on that.”

 

“What certain type?”

 

“Taller.”

 

“Laverne!”

 

“I’m sorry!  But every time you gripe about not getting a part, you ask around to find out if the guy who got it is taller than you are.” 

 

“Not always!”

 

“No, sometimes you ask if the guy is younger and blonder too!”

 

Carmine felt his temper explode.  “I can’t believe this!  My own girlfriend doesn’t have faith in me!”

 

“Girlfriend?”

 

He turned his head and saw her standing at the top of the stairs.  “Shirley…”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Laverne?”  Shirley’s voice was quiet, but her words held a coldness that overshadowed their earlier bickering.

 

He turned to Laverne in shock.  “You didn’t tell her?”

 

“Well, I…”  Laverne looked from him to Shirley nervously and stepped back toward the couch.

 

“You two are together?” 

 

“I don’t know about that.”  The snide words came out of his mouth before he could stop them.

 

“Whaddaya mean?”  Laverne sank down on the couch and suddenly looked very small to him, almost childlike.

 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell her!”  Great, not only was she sure that his career wasn’t going anywhere, she was also too ashamed to tell her best friend that they were dating.

 

“I didn’t see you rushing to send her a letter,”  Laverne sniped.

 

“I haven’t written her that much.”

 

Shirley put her hands on her hips and glared at him.  “Tell me about it.  It would have been nice if you’d stayed in touch, Carmine.”

 

“I don’t write anybody!  Ask my grandma!”

 

“So now, I’m like your grandmother?  Thanks a lot.”

 

“No!  I mean, Shirl, we’re friends, but I’m just not the kind of guy…”  Vaguely, he tried to remember the last time that he’d sat down to write a letter and remembered that it had been a plea to Milwaukee Electric to turn his lights back on.

 

“I know what you mean, Carmine.  Out of sight out of mind, is that how it is?”

 

“No!  I’ve just been busy, Angelface…”  His words hung in the air as he wished that he could live the last five minutes of his life all over again and not have even come near the girls’ apartment that night.

 

“What did you just say?”  Laverne’s voice was quiet and thin and sounded like it was strained to the breaking point.

 

“Nothing, Laverne.”

 

“Get out.”

 

“Laverne,” he pleaded.

 

“Get. Out. Now!”

 

 

“…And then she threw me out.”  Carmine leaned back against the not too clean kitchen counter and drained the rest of his bottle of Shotz.

 

Lenny shook his head in amazement.  “Wow.”

 

He spared his host a withering glance.  “I’ve been spilling my guts to you for the last twenty minutes and all you can say is wow?  Thanks, Len!”

 

“Sorry.  It just… “  Lenny’s blond brows knit together as if in deep thought.  “Carmine, can I speak to you man to man?”

 

“You can try.”

 

Lenny grinned goofily.  “Thanks for the chance.  Anywho, it ain’t a big shock.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, you and Shirley.  You know,” Lenny said with an exaggerated wink that looked like the beginning of a seizure.

 

“Know what?”

 

“You two go together like Heckle and Jeckle, Frick and Frack, Bosco and Lard…”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“You’re getting the picture?”

 

“No, you’re making me nauseous.”  Carmine set the empty beer bottle down in disgust.

 

“What I’m trying to say is now Shirley is back.”

 

“I get that.  I’m the one who told you about that, remember?”

 

“You did?  Damn electroshock therapy,” Lenny muttered.  “None of that matters, any way.  This is your big chance, Carmine.”

 

“My big chance?”

 

“Do I need to spell it out for you?”

 

“I don’t think that you’re that good of a speller.”

 

“You can right the wrong.  You and Shirley can get back together.”

 

“I don’t want to get back together with Shirley, Len.”

 

“Is it because of Walter?”

 

“Well, the whole her being married to another guy and huge with his kid would be a bit of a turn off.”

 

“Is that the only reason?” 

 

Laverne’s face flashed in front of Carmne’s eyes.  Memories of their friendship and recent romance swirled around in his head. “No.  No, Len, it isn’t.”

 

Lenny smiled and for a brief second looked wise.  “I didn’t think so.  Now the only question is, what are you doing still talking to me?”

 

“Consider me gone, Len,” Carmine said as he smiled and headed towards the aparatment door slamming it shut behind him.  Through the thick oak, he heard Lenny say, “Athough we could have gone out for a beer or something first…”

 

 

He entered the apartment without knocking; as part of his brain wondered how something that he’d done for so long felt so wrong.  Laverne glared up at him from the couch, a basket of half folded clothes at her feet and anger in her eyes.  What do you want?

 

He opened his mouth to respond just as Shirley walked in the back door, her jaw set in determination.  “Carmine,” she said, I’m glad you’re here.”

I need to talk to you, Shirley Meanie.”

 

“Great, right in my own living room.  If you two lovebird will excuse me, I have a previous engagement with my laundry,” Laverne said, her every word dripping in acid sarcasm. 

 

“No, Laverne.  I need to talk to both of you.  Shirley, I got something to say to you.”

 

Shirley shook her head.  “Carmine, I’ve got something to say to you as well.”

 

“Let me go first.  Shirley, you were the first girl I ever loved.  I was crazy about you all through grammar school, junior high, high school, and after…”

 

“Carmine, that’s very sweet, but…”

 

“Let me finish,” he interrupted.  “You are always going to have a place in my heart, you know that right?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“And now I gotta break my word to you.  Shirley, I know that after you married Walter, I always told you that I’d be there for you no matter what…”

 

“Carmine, you have been.”

 

“I know, and that’s the problem.  I can’t be there for you any more, Shirl.  I’m sorry, and I feel like a bum running out on you in your hour of need, but if it comes down to a promise that I made to you and my relationship with Laverne,” he said as he turned around and faced  his girlfriend, “I gotta pick Laverne.”

 

“Huh?”  Laverne’s laundry basket dropped from her hands.

 

“Laverne, I love you.  I know I’ve never said it—I’ve never been ready to say it, but there it is.  I love you, Laverne Marie DeFazio.”

 

“Carmine…”

 

“Shirley’s my past, but you’re my future.”

 

“Then why,” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion, “why didn’t we happen until just a few months ago.”

 

He smiled.  “It happened a lot earlier, at least for me.  Laverne, there was a reason that I didn’t bring a date to that awful Chamber of Commerce dance that your Pop hosted.  The girl I wanted to be with was already at my side.  I just didn’t have the guts to ask you back then.”  He moved toward her and allowed his arms to slip around her and was relieved to feel her melt against him.

 

“Carmine…”

 

“Laverne…” he whispered before her lips brushed against his.  His arms tightened around her and even if it had only been a day since their last intimacy, it felt like forever and he shivered as he felt her press herself harder against him.

 

 A quiet cough successfully squelched the mood.  “Ahem.  I’m still in the room.”

 

“Shirl…” Carmine’s cheek’s reddened as he opened his mouth to apologize for being such an insensitive heel.

 

Shirley smiled at him warmly.  “Basically you sort of beat me to the punch, Carmine.  My big announcement was that I’m moving out.”

 

“You’re going back to Walter?”  Laverne’s tone was incredulous.

 

“No,” Shirley replied, then added with a shrug, “I don’t know.  Not yet, anyhow.  I’m going to move in with Rhonda.”

 

“Shirl, this will always be your home…”

 

“No, Laverne. It was, but I left this home.  This is your apartment now, and you’ve moved on with your life.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Shirley replied as she move forward and hugged her friend, “You did the right thing.  When I left Walter, I guess part of me expected that everything had stayed in place and I could just pick up again.  I can’t do that though, and you shouldn’t try to do that.” 

 

“What about the baby?”  For the life of him, Carmine couldn’t see Shirley trying to raise a baby on her own in Los Angeles.

 

“We’re going to stay in California.  For a while, anyway.  Walter and I have been talking some...

 

Laverne looked at her sharply.  “He was calling you right?”

 

“Yes, but…”

 

“And not reversing the charges, right?”

 

“Laverne, Walter paid for the call.  Okay?”

 

“Okay.  It’s not like it’s a big deal or anything,” Laverne replied, and then turned to Carmine and asked quietly, “Do you know how much it costs to call West Germany even after 11 at night?”

 

“As I was trying to say,” Shirley said, as her shrill tone overrode Laverne’s mumbling, “Walter has to stay overseas, but he also knows how miserable and lonely I was over there.  He’s trying to get his travel paperwork in order so that he can come back here, hopefully in time for the big event.  I don’t know what is going to happen to us afterward, but that’s something that Walter and I have to work out.  No one else can do that for us.”

 

Laverne shook her head.  “Shirl, I feel like I’m throwing you out in your hour of need.”

 

“Don’t feel that way, because your not.  This is going to work out.  Rhonda needs a temporary roommate since her residual checks from that female product commercial she did a few weeks ago won’t be coming in for a while, and I need some time to think and figure out what I’m going to do.  Since Rhonda is out every night, I’ll have a lot of time to myself.”

 

Laverne shrugged, “I go out.  You think that I’m not going out?”

 

“We don’t go out that much, Laverne,” Carmine interjected without thinking, “Usually we just stay in and--- you know, you staying at Rhonda’s is a great idea, Shirl.  I can help you move your suitcases right now if,” he said as he looked at his girlfriend, “it’s okay with you.”

 

Laverne grinned.  “Why don’t we both help her, Carmine,” she said as she headed to the stairs.

 

“Great!  That big one is a killer so lift with your legs”, he hollered at her back as she walked up the stairs to the bedroom.  He looked back at Shirley, noting once again how much the pregnancy had physically and mentally changed her.  “Please tell me that you didn’t try to lift it yourself in your condition, Shirl.

 

“What do you think?”  Her tone was pure exasperation.

 

Carmine grinned as he visualized Shirley using her delicate flower demeanor on a slew of service men and cabdrivers on route from West Berlin to Burbank and realized she hadn’t lifted a finger.  “Good point.  Thanks, Shirl.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For breaking up with me when I was breaking up with you.  Again.”

 

“Anytime.  And, Carmine?”

 

Yeah?

 

“This thing with Laverne,” she said as she pointed to the bedroom door, “ you’re serious about her, right?”

 

“Yeah, Shirl.  I think this is the real thing.”  He was astounded on how easily and naturally the truth fell from his lips.

 

“Good,” she said as she moved closer and her blue eyes narrowed and became icy, “Because you don’t even want to imagine what I would do to you if you were just toying with my best friend’s feeling.”

 

“I shudder to think.”

 

FIN