A Couple of Guys
By Shotzette

"A Coupla Guys..."

By Shotzette
Shotzette@yahoo.com
Drama/Humor
PG-13
"What were Lenny and Carmine doing in the girl's bedroom during "To Tell the Truth"? Thanks for the inspiration, Diane!

This is only a work of fanfiction, written for laughs and giggles. It is not intended and in no way could infringe upon anyone's copyrights or intellectual properties. Really.
LDF/SSJ, C/S, L/L, C/LDF?




"Aardvark. A large, burrowing, nocturnal animal..."

"What?" Carmine turned around and gave Lenny an odd look as the latter tromped up the girl's staircase behind him, dictionary in hand.

"It's my new word, Carmine. I'm gonna do what Shirley does and learn myself a new word out of the dictionary every day."

"Yeah, that's real good, Len," Carmine replied, as he began to pace back and forth on the girl's bedroom floor. "Y'know, the next time Rhonda suggests one of her rainy day games, I'm just going to slam my head against the wall a couple of times. It will be quicker, and a hell of a lot less painful."

"You're telling me," Lenny replied with a snort. "Hey, why are you upset? The only thing that bad about you was how Laverne's sick of hearing you call Shirley "Angelface" all of the time. It's not like you got a low IQ or nothing," he finished as he looked dejectedly at the floor.

"Laverne didn't really mean that, Len."

"Great. So there's nothing wrong with you. I feel a lot better now," Lenny said, sarcasm dripping off of his words.

"No, Lenny, there's plenty wrong with me. As Laverne pointed out, I do nothing but sit on my keister and wait for things to happen." Carmine's pacing speeded up, as his footsteps matched the clipped cadence of his words. "I moved halfway across the country to be with Shirley, but am I with her? Are we more serious? No! We're still in the same on again, off again pattern here in Burbank that we were in Milwaukee. You think a guy would get a little something extra for taking a step like that, but no, I'm still taking cold showers every night. Hell, I don't even have my own shower anymore, now that I'm living with Sonny, the Crown Prince of Cheap. I told you about him making me use the same paper plate all week, didn't I?" At Lenny's nod, he continued, "I mean, I appreciate him letting me stay at his place until I find my own, but I don't think either one of us figured that it would take this long."

"I'd offer to let you stay with me and Squig, Carmine, but Squig's awful picky about who we invite overnight. They gotta be women."

Carmine stared at him a moment before his mind clicked back into gear. "Thanks, but no thanks, Len. I'd hate to have to cramp your ...lifestyle."

"Yeah, but if things are rotten over at Sonny's place..."

"They're not. Not really. I mean, he's a good guy. He's just used to living on his own, and so am I. We're just getting on each other's nerves. It's gotten worse since he and Laverne..." Carmine clamped his mouth shut and looked away uncomfortably when he saw the hurt look in Lenny's eyes. "It's just gotten worse, is all."

A tremulous smile almost crossed Lenny's face. "That's okay, Carmine," he said, swallowing noisily, "I knew they were seeing each other, I just didn't know it was that serious." Lenny sat down on one of the twin beds and began to distractedly fiddle with the leather tag on Shirley's suitecase.

The fact that Lenny was inches away from Shirley's underwear and wasn't biting his palm, told Carmine volumes. "Look, Len," Carmine began as he sat down next to him--but a comfortable "guy distance" away-- on the bed, "I know you never really, one hundred percent, got over Laverne..."

"Did too," was the terse reply, as the luggage tag began to flap back and forth more quickly.

"Yeah, right. You chased her all around a motel room in Nevada with a plunger on your head because you're not interested. Happens every day..."

"Me and Squig were just, y'know, testing the waters. You was back in Milwaukee and Laverne hadn't met Stuntman Guy yet; we just tried to take our shot." Lenny leaned forward conspiratorially, "Neither one of us thought it would go as bad as it did. Laverne sucker punched me in the parking lot, and Shirley didn't speak to either of us until we hit Barstow."

"Lenny, I don't want to hear anymore of that ridiculous story, ever. Don't say another word about it and make me regret talking Sonny out of punching your lights out."

Lenny sneered. "Yeah, like I'm afraid of him. A guy who make his living falling off of buildings. Yeah, you do it here in California and they call you a stuntman. You fall off the roof a couple of times a month in Milwaukee, and they call you a moron. Life ain't fair, Carmine. It just ain't fair."

'Tell me about it. I haul my cookies all the way from Wisconsin, and only get a few quick "Welcome to Burbank", "Welcome to Hollywood", and "Welcome to California" kisses. Sonny's known Laverne all of two months and he's getting--never mind what Sonny's getting," he said hastily as he was becoming a little alarmed by the angry look in Lenny's eyes.

"Well," Lenny said, bitterness evident in his voice, "it looks like Laverne finally found her Mr. Right, don't it?"

"Well..." Carmine hedged, wondering how the hell he'd gotten into this conversation with Lenny Kosnowski, and why the hell it was mattering to him so damn much.

"What?" Lenny's blue eyes were wide open, the innocent air of a six year old who was asking if there really, truly was a Santa Claus about him.

"I dunno, Len. They've only been going out two months." The rational part of Carmine's brain screamed for him to shut up, to not give the poor bastard any false hopes, but his mouth continued to babble on blissfully. "I mean, yeah, right now it looks like their crazy about each other, but..."

"But what?"

"Laverne don't really act like herself around Sonny. Haven't you noticed that? I mean, she's extra nice all the time to him."

"Yeah thanks, Carmine. Rub it in."

"Not that way, Len! It's like she's on her good behavior or something. I don't even think they've even had their first fight yet."

"No! After two months? Laverne?"

"See what I mean? Just between you and me, I don't know if Sonny could handle the Laverne we've known since grade school. He seemed plenty shocked when she through her pudding in Shirley's face."

"Yeah. That was funny, and filled with chocolaty goodness."

Carmine chose to ignore that remark and continued, "I just don't know if Sonny, who's kind of thin-skinned, could cope with being around a woman who usually speaks her mind."

"Yeah, she does do that."

"I mean, when I ran up here earlier to calm her down, she had no problem telling me that she thought I was wasting my life instead of chasing my dreams. I mean, she gave me such a sweet, hard, kick in the patootie, that it made me really take a long hard look at myself. To be that brutally honest, even though you know it's going to hurt someone's feelings, is the mark of a true friend. You really have to care deeply for someone to risk the friendship by telling them what's in your heart. I could tell it was rough for her to say that all to my face, but she's right, and deep down, I'm glad she said what she said Then we kissed and made up, and--"

"You kissed Laverne!" Lenny stood up abruptly, agitation all over his features. "You ain't allowed to do that! What about Shirley? What about Sonny? What about me?"

"Relax, Len. It wasn't that kind of a kiss."

"Oh. You had me worried there for a second, Carmine. You should have said it was a cheek type kiss."

"No. It was on the lips, but it didn't mean nothing."

"You two were up here for a long time. Alone..."

"Lenny, we are not having this conversation. This is ridiculous. It was a friendly couple of kisses and a hug, nothing romantic. They were the kind of kisses you'd give a little baby's boom boom, y'know?"

"That's how it starts," Lenny replied darkly. A suspicious look came over his face. "Maybe Sonny ain't the one I need to worry about," he mumbled.

Before Carmine could retort he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

"I'll help you unpack, and then we can order some Chinese and watch Sea Hunt, okay?" Laverne asked Shirley as they walked up the stairs.

"Only if we can get spare ribs instead of egg rolls. The last time we ordered egg rolls I felt queasy for two days."

"Fine, fine, whatever." Laverne stopped abruptly, apparently forgetting that the guys were in the bedroom. "So, do you two want Chinese?"

"What are you doing up hear, unsupervised?" Shirley's eyes darted from her suitecase to her underwear drawer then back to the boys.

Carmine opened his mouth, but Lenny spoke first. "Nothing, Shirl. Just hanging out and talking guy talk." Although Lenny's tone was his usually nasal whine, his eyes never left Carmine's and his expression was uncharacteristically grim.

Forcing a smile, Carmine said, "Chinese sounds great. I'll go see if Sonny, Rhonda, and Squiggy are interested." As he hurriedly left the bedroom, his sense of unease remained. Deep down he knew he had crossed a line with Lenny; but that wasn't foremost on his mind at the moment.

Why had he run upstairs to Laverne, with her boyfriend sitting right there? Was it just habit, playing the white night to the damsel in distress? And why was he so quick to help out one damsel while he left his Angelface covered with pudding?

Come to think of it, he pondered, why the hell did Sonny run out the door after Rhonda and Squiggy while his girlfriend was so upset? Pushing away, thoughts he'd rather not think and feelings he'd rather not feel, Carmine swiftly walked out the girl's back door and headed towards Rhonda's apartment.

A nice friendly meal with everyone together, he thought. What could possibly go wrong?

FIN


To "Heavy Fortune"









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