It’s My Party,

I Won’t Come If I Want To

 

 

 

Scene I: Lunch break at Shotz Brewery                                                         

 

The lunchroom at Shotz’s brewery was crowded, as usual. Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney, in their bottle capper’s uniforms of blue-grey overcoats and bland kerchiefs, sat at their usual table with their lunches. Their two neighbors Lenny and Squiggy, who could probably also be called their friends, entered the lunchroom and made a straight line to their  table.

 

“Hello, girls,” Squiggy said. “Are you two ready?”

 

“For what,” Laverne asked, uninterested. Whenever Lenny and Squiggy were excited about something, it was usually not all that interesting at all.              

 

“Today they’re gonna announce the annual winners!” Lenny responded, very excitedly, as he sat backwards on his chair.

 

“Oh! That’s right, Laverne!” Shirley chimed in, now also very excited. “Mr. Shotz is going to be announcing the new list of  Employees of the Year today!”

 

“That’s right. And we’re a shoe-in!” Squiggy said, confidently. Lenny nodded. Laverne just chuckled.

 

“We are!” Lenny said in defiance.

 

“And what makes you two think you’re gonna be the truck drivers of the year?” Shirley asked, skeptically.

 

“We got ... photographs!” Lenny said, patting his chest, then reaching for the inside pocket of his jacket.

 

“No, Len!” Squiggy interrupted, grabbing Lenny’s arm. “Not yet. That’s our insurance policy.”

 

“Oh, yeah. That’s right.” Lenny let out a goofy laugh.

 

“Attention, Shotz’s employees.” The voice boomed over the loudspeaker.

 

“It’s Mr. Shotz!” Shirley squealed.

 

“Your attention, please. I would like to announce the names of our employees of the year...”

 

“Aw. Who cares about that, anyway,” Laverne said, as she continued to eat her sandwich. “All you get is your name on a plaque.”

 

“Oh no, Laverne,” Shirley corrected her friend, enthusiastically. “You also get your photo up in the hallway.”

 

“Yeah. Next to the bathrooms.” Laverne was not interested - not in the least.

 

“Well, that’s where everyone can see it,” Shirley continued.

 

“Huh, what does she care!” Squiggy interrupted. “Everyone sees Laberne’s name when they go to the bathroom, anyway!” Both Squiggy and Lenny began to laugh, like a couple of schoolboys. Lenny bit the palm of his hand as he made a rude noise.

 

“Why, I oughtta!” Laverne responded, standing up.

 

“Shhh!” Shirley jumped in, tugging at her friend’s sleeve. “Come on, Laverne. What do you  expect from those two?” She pointed at the boys, who were still giggling over their joke.

 

“She can aspect a good time, judging from what that note on the wall says!” Squiggy added, again egging her on.

 

“Aw, come on, guys,” Laverne said, cynically. “You know these things are always fixed! It’s always about who kisses up to who!

 

“Or who blackmails who!” Squiggy said, in a sneaky voice. Lenny nodded, and began to laugh again while he rubbed his pocket. The two boys then started to chatter back and forth, spinning tales of outrageous conspiracy theories consisting of bribes, blackmail, and a new blonde secretary named Bernice.

 

“Now, from the motor pool,”

 

Lenny was the one to hush his friends this time.

 

“Ha ha! It’s our turn!”

 

Both Lenny and Squiggy closed their eyes tightly, and began to whisper a chant that sounded like “please be me.”

 

“From the motor pool, the Shotz Driver of the Year is Joey Mincola.”

 

The two boys both let out a short and loud “Yeah!” exclamation, but soon they realized they had actually lost. Their expressions went from surprise, to enraged, then to acceptance.

 

“You see. Even blackmail don’t work!” Laverne said, skeptically.

 

“Man! What a gyp!” Lenny said, shaking his head.

 

“I can’t believe it!” Squiggy’s voice sounded like it was going to crack. He turned around and shouted to the loudspeaker. “Mr. Shotz! Do you have any idea what we are going to do with these photos?”

 

With a contemplative look on his face, Lenny turned to Squiggy and asked a very serious question.

 

“You think I should have told Mr. Shotz we had photos, first?”

 

“Shhhhh!” Shirley interrupted the two of them, trying to listen to the next series of names from various departments.

 

“And the Shotz Secretary of the Year, from the Personnel Department, is Bernice Chesterfield.”

 

“BERNI-I-I-I-CE!” the two boys squealed in unison, once again gnawing on their palms and making primitive grunts and groans. Lenny once again tried to take out the photos from his pocket, but Squiggy once again stopped him.

 

“Would you two...!?” Shirley responded, in a matronly voice.

 

“Next, from the Bottle Capping department...”

 

“Laverne!” Shirley began to squeal in anticipation, surprising even the boys. “We’re next! Bottle capping!”

 

“Aw, come on, Shirl. Who cares...”  Laverne got up from the table and walked over to her locker, almost annoyed.

 

“The employee of the year is Laverne DeFazio.”

 

For a brief moment, the room was silent. Laverne stopped, mid-step in silent disbelief, while the rest of the room waited for her reaction. Finally, Shirley, Lenny and Squiggy got up, held hands, and began to jump up and down in excitement. They hopped over, in one big jumping mass, to Laverne. The three pulled at her arms, and tried to get her to join in on the excitement.

 

Laverne seemed partly confused, but mainly annoyed at all the attention. All eyes in the employee’s lunch room were on her. She thought she saw a few people near the door whisper. Suddenly, she felt very self-conscious, and she didn’t like it one bit. It wasn’t the type of attention she enjoyed at all.

 

“Aw, no!” Laverne began to whine, in protest of her new honorary title. “Why’d it have to be me...”

 

“Oh Verney!” Shirley said, trying to calm Laverne down. “ It’s a big honor!”

 

“Come on, Shirl. You know what happens when stuff like this happens. People look at you funny...They think you .... you know... did a little vo-dee-o-doe with Mr. Shotz! Then they start to treat you different...I don’t want none of that.”

 

She looked around the lunchroom, and noticed that the more fuss she made, the more people stared at her. All she wanted to do was crawl into her locker and hide.

 

Mr. Shotz continued to read through his list of employees. As he spoke, a spectacled man in a tight suit  walked in the door. He called out Laverne’s name, holding up a large envelope.

 

“Here! She’s here!” Shirley enthusiastically cried out, pointing to her friend beside her.

 

“Miss DeFazio. Congratulations!” The man in the glasses approached, handing out an envelope in front of him. “You are one of Shotz Brewery’s finest employees!”

 

Shirley and Lenny were smiling. Squiggy was still upset at the upstage. Laverne simply looked mortified. The man approached the small group, but before he could reach them, Laverne pushed away, pushed past the man, and made her way for the door.

 

“Laverne?!”

 

“You think it’s so great, Shirl?” Laverne cried out behind her. “Well, then, you take it!”

 

The lunchroom was silent, as everyone stood in shock at Laverne’s exit. Finally, the man approached Shirley and handed her the envelope with a shrug, quickly turned on his heels, and left.

 

Shirley held the envelope in her hand, dying of curiosity. She squirmed, visibly uncomfortable. She was dying to open it to see what was inside. The boys finally looked away, gazed around the room, and started to whistle, giving her silent permission to sneak a peak.  Still uncomfortable, but giving into her curiosity, she quickly took a look inside. As she looked, her bottom jaw dropped, and then she let out a loud squeal.

 

“Twenty dollars!”

 

“What?!” Lenny and Squiggy both responded, turning back towards Shirley. Without hesitation, and seemingly sharing a brain (no doubt of unknown origin),  the two boys started grabbing for the envelope. Shirley held it high in the air, then wiggled and squirmed her way out of reach.  Finally, she pulled herself, and the envelope, away. Looking around the room, and straightening her clothes and hair, she tried to recompose herself.

 

“Would you two behave like normal human beings?”

 

“Oh yeah?” Squiggy responded. “You and what army?”

 

Shirley, confused by the response, shook her head, then leaned in to whisper an explanation for the boys.

 

“Would you two listen! Not only did Laverne get Bottle Capper of the Year, but she also got a bonus.”

 

“A bonus?!”

 

“Yes! Twenty dollars!”

 

Lenny’s mouth fell open in shock and surprise, while Squiggy’s mental cogs began to turn.

 

“Lenny, give me those photos!”

 

“Would you two stop it!” Shirley reprimanded the two.

 

“Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Anyway,  with all that dough, we could have ourselves a big party....” Squiggy said, cooly. Lenny nodded at the idea. Then once again, Lenny and Squiggy began to mumble and conspire, tossing around plans for beer, naughty movies, and a few casual mentions of Bernice.

 

“That’s a great idea!” Shirley said slowly, clutching the envelope next to her chest.

 

“Really?” Lenny asked, innocently. “You really think Bernice will come?”

 

“Well, of course,” Squiggy added, as he pointed to Lenny’s jacket pocket.

 

“No, no, you nincompoops!” Shirley said, exasperated. “A party. For Laverne!”

 

“For Laverne?” Lenny asked, again, quite innocently. “I didn’t think she even knew Bernice...!”

 

Squiggy shrugged, going along with the logic, as the two boys walked out the door.

 

 

 

Scene II: Laverne and Shirley’s apartment, Knapp Street

 

“Oh boys!” Shirley sung sweetly into the dumbwaiter in the kitchen. “I need you...!”

 

Not a moment later,  Lenny and Squiggy burst through the door of the basement apartment, as if a giant vacuum the hallway had sucked the upstairs tenants down the hallway, dragging them from floor to floor.  The two tried to steady themselves on the front steps, as they stumbled into the room, obviously shaken from their speed of light flight.

“Hello!” the two announced, as they spilled through the door.

 

Squiggy straightened his cheesy smoking jacket. He had obviously just thrown it on during the mad rush down the stairs. “I knew it! You just couldn’t resist the Squigman, Shirley Feeney!”

 

“As I was saying,” Shirley interrupted, as if continuing her sentence from the dumbwaiter. “I need the two of you to help me get ready for the party.

 

“What party?” Lenny asked.

 

“For Laverne!” Shirley said, exasperated.

 

“Party for Laberne? What party for Laberne?” Squiggy asked, getting annoyed.

 

“Ah, you remember, from today.” Lenny said, slapping his friend on the chest. “At the brewery.”

 

“That’s right!” Shirley announced, like a school marm. “We’re going to have a surprise party for Laverne. Tonight at the Pizza Bowl.  Right after she finishes helping her dad out!  Mr. DeFazio is throwing in the pizza and beer, for nothing! Now, I need you two to go around and make sure everybody shows up. ”

 

Shirley shuffled through a mess on the coffee table and handed the two of them a piece of paper with a long list of friends.

 

“Yeah, well, so what’s in it for us?” Lenny asked, skeptically.

 

“Helping out Laverne,” Shirley said, matter of factly. Lenny wrinkled his face a bit.

 

“And free grub,” Squiggy added, and Lenny immediately recognized the benefits. But despite the promise of all the pizza they could eat, and all beer they could chug, Squiggy remained sceptical.

 

“Now, listen Shirley,” Squiggy began. “I’m no Albert Weinstein here, but don’t you think that having a party for Laberne is a pretty dumb idea?”

 

“No! Why? It’s a wonderful thing, Squiggy!” Shirley said defensively. “We’ll give Laverne her certificate. Look! I put it in a frame, too!” Shirley ran to the bookshelf and brought the framed award to show the boys.

 

 “She will be so excited! We’ll have decorations, and a big sign...” Shirley pointed to a pile of crafts on the table, obviously the makings of party decorations.

 

“And then we’ll tell her about the twenty dollar bonus...!”

 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s great an all,” Squiggy interrupted, waving his hands at Shirley, dismissing her enthusiasm. “But didn’t you hear her say she didn’t want nobody treating her different or nothing?”

 

“Yeah. She did say that,” Lenny nodded in agreement.

 

“Oh, pee-shaw!” Shirley squawked. “She just didn’t want anyone thinking she’d let it go to her head. You know Laverne! Once she realizes we’re throwing the party for her, and that all of her friends will be there, she’ll be just as excited as we are!”

 

“Yeah. Excited.” Lenny said, almost bored.  “I dunno, Shirl,” he continued, skeptically.

 

“No, no, Leonard. Maybe she’s right.” Squiggy conceded. He looked at the long list of names.

 

“Listen, Lenny,” Squiggy said sweetly, with a whole new demeanor. “Why don’t you stay here with Shirl and help her with the decorating and favorings. I can do this on my own.”

 

Both Shirley and Lenny shook their heads, concerned by Squiggy’s newfound enthusiasm. But before he could take no for an answer, Squiggy was out the door.

 

 

 

Scene III: Pizza Bowl

 

Mr. DeFazio rolled his eyes as Andrew Squigman walked in the door to the Pizza Bowl.

 

“Hey, Mr. DeFazio!” he said, as he flew past the older man, covered in flour. “I need to find Laberne. It’s an amergency! Hey Laberne!”

 

Squiggy walked straight back into the bowling alley.

 

“Wha? Wha’s wrong?” Mr. DeFazio shrugged, then raised his arms in the air, annoyed.

 

Moments later, Squiggy reemerged, with Laverne in tow.

 

“Come on, Woman! There’s no time to lose!”

 

“Wha?” Mr. DeFazio repeated.

 

“Don’t worry, Pop! We’ll be back in a little bit!”

 

“Wha?” Frank repeated once more, once again arms raised. Finally, he shrugged the whole scene off.

 

 

 

 

Scene IV:  Drive-In Movie Theater

 

Laverne and Squiggy climbed out of the cab of the Shotz Brewery delivery truck, both visibly exhausted.

 

“Oh, yeah. Now THIS has to be the place!” Squiggy announced, as he slammed the door shut.

 

“That’s what you said at the last two places!” Laverne replied, in desperation. Still, she was on a mission, as she began her search in the dark parking lot. Squiggy quietly trailed behind, as he looked over his shoulder.

 

“Yeah, well, you keep looking. Shirley’s gotta be here, somewhere!”

 

Laverne mumbled to herself, something along the lines of “I can’t believe this,” as she began to peek inside the windows of the parked cars. It was hard to see inside the cars with no lights except the flickering light of the giant movie screen.  A few times, she could just about catch a glimpse. Sometimes, she even took a second look, with her mouth wide open. And every once in a while, when she thought she saw someone who looked like Shirley, she’d knock at a steamed up window.

 

“Shirley?” she’d shout to whoever was inside. “ Is that you?”

 

Once she got an answer. From a dark haired man.

 

“It is, if you want me to be!”

 

Laverne continued to skulk around the Drive-In, with Squiggy in tow. She yelled at him once when he excitedly announced that he had found a quarter on the ground.

 

“You know, this wouldn’t be so hard, Squiggy, if you hadn’t lost your flashlight!”

 

“I’ll have you know it was taken from me. At the last drive-in.”

 

“Well,” Laverne replied, “ you shouldn’t have been staring at that couple through the windshield!”

 

“How could I help it?”

 

Laverne just shrugged off his remarks, shaking her head.

 

“Squig, I don’t see Shirl here, nowhere!”

 

“Well, maybe we can go back to the first place....” Squiggy replied, as he checked his watch.

 

“Oh no...”

“Well, maybe they didn’t show up yet...” he answered, not all that convincingly.

 

“We gotta call someone for help, Squig,” Laverne said, panicking. “You said that Shirley was in trouble!”

 

“Yeah! Yeah!”

 

Finally, Laverne suspected that something was wrong. Laverne turned to Squiggy to repeat what he had whispered to her earlier that night, back at the Pizza Bowl.

 

“You said that you fixed Shirley up with one of your creepy friends...”

 

“Well, kind of...”

 

“That he was planning on getting his way with her, at the Drive-In.”

 

“Well, maybe...”

 

Annoyed, Laverne slowly repeated that word to him.

 

“Maaaaybe?!”

 

By now, her anger started to flare up, as she realized that she had just spent the past two hours on a wild goose chase. “You dragged me away from the Pizza Bowl, took me to every Drive-In in Milwaukee, and you’re telling me maaaaaybe?”

 

“Maybe...”

 

“Ok, Squiggy, what’s going on?”

 

Squiggy shrugged, and shook his head, feigning innocence.  Laverne slowly approached him, with murder on her mind. Before he could scurry away, the two felt the bright light of a flashlight shining on their faces.

 

“Oh, look! Somebuddy found my flashlight...!!”

 

 

 

Scene V: The Pizza Bowl

 

Shirley paced back and forth throughout the Pizzeria. The decorations were hung, and several pizza pies sat untouched on the counter. Lenny,  Mr. DeFazio and Edna Babish were all in attendance. But where was everyone else? More importantly, where was Laverne?

 

“I told you!” Mr. DeFazio shouted at the worried Shirley. “I don’t know where they went. They just ran out the door!” He tried to hide his concern behind his shouting.

 

Carmine finally walked in the door, and immediately announced that he had been all around town, and no one had seen them. Worse yet, no one had heard about the party for Laverne.

 

“I can’t believe it!” Shirley said, in anger. “When I get my hands on that Squiggy....” Her delicate hands turned into little fists.

 

Mrs. Babish put her arm around Shirley to comfort her. “Oh, you know Squiggy. He wouldn’t do anything stupid... would he?”  As she said those last words, she looked around the room. Everyone sighed deeply, now worried more than before.

 

“Ok, that’s it. Time to get the police involved,” Carmine announced, as he headed towards the phone. As he stepped closer, the phone rang, as if the phone itself had anticipated his approach.

 

“Laverne!” Carmine answered anxiously, assuming it was her. The rest of the gang crowded around the phone, too. When his expression went from panicked to relieved, everyone could tell that it was her on the phone.

 

The room made a collective sigh of relief.

 

“You’re where? Ok, ok. We’ll come and get you.” Carmine hung up the phone.

 

“What happened? Is she alright? Where is she?” Shirley kept asking, dying for an answer.

 

 “Like I said,” Carmine said, defeated. “Time to get the police involved.”

 

 

 

Scene VI: Milwaukee Police Precinct 101

 

A police officer escorted Laverne from out of her cell.

 

“Laverne!” everyone cried out, relieved to see that she was ok. “What happened?”

 

Shirley, Mr. DeFazio, Mrs. Babish and Carmine encircled Laverne, as she immediately hugged her father, like a scared child.

 

“Well, we arrested her and her friend, for being peeping Toms,” the officer replied. “We got a couple of complaints from three different Drive-In theaters that they were peeking into cars. Her and her boyfriend.”

 

Laverne cringed at that last statement, while Mr. DeFazio defended her reputation (and taste). Lenny, on the other hand, snickered loudly, silenced only by a slap from Shirley on the arm.

 

“No, officer!” Laverne finally chimed in. “It wasn’t like that. You see, Squiggy came to find me at my pop’s place - the Pizza Bowl.”

 

“That’s my place,” Mr. DeFazio said, proudly.

 

“Yeah, and then he told me that he fixed my best friend Shirley...”

 

“That’s me!” Shirley said sweetly, raising her hand like a schoolgirl.

 

“Yeah, that’s her. He told me that he fixed her up with one of his creepy friends...”

 

“Ewwww...!” Shirley responded, her face cringing as bad as Laverne’s had a moment before. “Me? With one of Squiggy’s friends?”

 

“Hey!” Lenny asked, a broad smile on his face. “Was it me?”

 

“NO! It was not you, Len!” Laverne said, getting annoyed at the whole scenario. “Anyway, Squiggy said that his friend was planning on getting his way, with Shirl, at the Drive-In. And that we had to stop it.”

 

“Nooooo..!” Shirley responded, again with her face cringing. “I would never!”

 

“Well, I couldn’t take that chance, Shirley! He said he felt bad about it, and he needed me to help get you out of there. So, that’s what we were doing there. Honest, officer.” Laverne put on a slightly pouty face, to convince the policeman of her innocence.

 

“Well....” he responded, trying to believe the story.

 

Edna Babish stepped up, and vouched for Laverne. In unison, everyone else in the room vouched for Laverne’s intentions and integrity.

 

“Well, I guess so,” he finally replied, believing the story. “But what about that little guy in there?”

 

The gang wrinkled their faces up, in slight disgust. Only Lenny stepped forward.

 

“I’ll vouch for him, officer.”

 

After a moment or two, looking Lenny up and down, the officer turned to the rest of the crowd.

 

“Anyone else vouch for him?”

 

“Aw, come on, guys.” Lenny pleaded. “He had to have some good reason.”

 

Still, the crowd was unconvinced.

“It’s Squiggy! You wouldn’t leave him in the slammer! Would you?”

 

Feeling a bit guilty, there was a communal groan of approval from the crowd. Finally, the officer left the room. A moment later, he returned, this time with Squiggy in tow.

 

“Are you sure we should let this one back on the street?” he asked as he uncuffed him. Surprised by the answer, he just shrugged as he released Squiggy to the custody of the crowd in the station.

 

“Hello everybody! Hello, Laberne!!” Squiggy said in greeting.

 

Laverne broke away from the comforting arms of her father and turned around to face Squiggy. With her arms extended in front of her, she rushed towards him. Squiggy thought she was offering him a hug, so he opened his arms wide for the embrace. But Lenny, realizing that hug was more of a choke, instinctively pulled Squiggy away to his safety, just in the nick of time.  The two almost fell over, as Lenny pulled him backwards.

 

As everyone started to scream at Squiggy, demanding answers, he finally stood up straight to speak.

 

“Hold on, hold on, everybody! Would you all calm down and let me explain?”

 

“Can you?”

 

“Probably.”

 

“Squiggy! Why did you make up that story!” Laverne asked, annoyed.

 

“And why didn’t you go invite everyone to the party, like you said you would?” Shirley added.

 

“Party?” Laverne asked, confused, and now turning her attention to Shirley.

 

“Well...” Shirley replied, hesitantly. “It was just an itty bitty party. To celebrate you getting to be Bottle Capper of the Year!”

                       

A small smile started to emerge on Laverne’s face. She had a small twinkle in her eye.

 

“A party?” Laverne repeated. “For me?”

 

“Yeah! Can you imagine that!” Squiggy chimed in, in disgust. “She was going to throw this big party for you, so I figured I’d save you from all that garbage.”

 

“What?” the whole group said, angry and confused.

 

“Yeah! Back at the brewery, Laberne said she didn’t want nobody making no fuss about her!” Squiggy said, in a firm and almost logical way. “So I figured, since you wouldn’t want to go to no stinking party...”

 

“I didn’t say that!”

 

“Oh yes you did!” Squiggy replied, adamantly. “I was there.”

 

“He was!” Lenny agreed. The two boys nodded their heads in agreement.

 

“I didn’t say nothing about a party, though.” Laverne was clear, at least on that point.

 

“Well, you said that when stuff like this happens, awards and everything, people was going to look at you funny... and  treat you different...”

 

“Well, yeah...” Laverne agreed, hesitantly.

 

“So I figured the worst thing that could happen to you was if someone threw you a big party. You’d be miserable!” Squiggy was confident in his logic.

 

“You know, Verney,” Shirley said, breaking into the conversation. “I guess it’s all my fault. I was so excited for you, winning the award. And that bonus.”

 

“Bonus?”

 

“Yeah. Twenty dollars,” Shirley added, nodding her head.

 

Laverne’s eyes almost popped out of her head, and her mouth opened wide. She tried to catch her breath, as best as she could.

 

“Laverne, I wanted you to be just as excited about it as I was. I didn’t think about your feelings. Only my own...”

 

Although Laverne really didn’t want anyone to make a big deal over her award at work, she was really excited about it now. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the bonus, or if she was just happy that her best friends and family went through all that trouble. She hated to admit it, but she was really happy, and excited about the party now. She almost felt guilty for making such a fuss back at the brewery. And somehow, she was even touched by Squiggy’s attempt - as strange as it was - to save her from embarrassment.

 

“Well, I guess a little party wouldn’t hurt,” Laverne finally said, digging her heels into the ground, and hoping to bring back the party mood.

 

“So, no hard feelings, Laberne?” Squiggy asked, extending his hand.

 

“Nah. It’s ok, Squiggy,” Laverne conceded, reluctantly shaking his hand. When she let go, she wiped her hand down her pants in an exaggerated move.

“Well, juss so you know, I didn’t invite no one,” Squiggy finally admitted, as they all headed for the door.

 

“That’s ok,” replied Laverne, as she put one arm around Shirley’s shoulder. “All my best friends are here already...”

 

The whole gang from the Pizza Bowl huddled into one big mass as they made for the door.  They all knew that this was the best family they could ever have. Nothing could change that feeling. Not now.

 

“You mean Bernice isn’t going to show up?” Lenny whined, as they walked out the door.

 

“Nah! She wasn’t even on the stupid list!” Squiggy replied.

 

“Man! What a Gyp!”

 

 

The End