Laverne and Shirley "The Best Nightmare" By Joanna Hunter Ext. - Laverne and Shirley's apartment: Night ~ A shot of their window with the curtains closed but light shining through. Scene 1 ~ Int. - L&S apartment: Night ~ Laverne, Shirley, Lenny, Jo and Squiggy are all sitting around the TV on the couch or on the floor. They're all decked out in Packer stuff, popcorn is everywhere, a leftover pizza box sits on the table. They're all watching the TV intensely now, except for Shirley who is grimicing at the mess around her. Len/Lav/Squig/Jo Ooooohhh... NO!!! BOO!! ~ Now the four are throwing popcorn at the TV and are frowning, aparently the Packers didn't make a touchdown. Jo I can't believe he missed that! Squiggy Yeah, even Lenny could have caught that one. ~ Lenny and Jo glare at him. Lenny Now what's that supposed to mean? If you can't remember I was water boy for the High School football team. And what were you? Squiggy Remember I broke my leg that year! That isn't fair. Laverne Aw, come on guys break it up. ~ She turns to Shirley who's wrinkling her nose in disgust. Cont. Laverne Did you see that one Shirl? Anybody could have caught that one. ~ She stands up and points around the room. Shirley Look at us guys, we could be out having a romantic dinner with our future husbands and wives but we're sitting here in our own filth watching the Packers. ~ Lenny and Squiggy smell their armpits and Jo stops them. Laverne Well we didn't have any dates tonights Shirl, if you can't remember. And we're all die hard Packer fans right guys? ~ The gang cheers and whoops while Shirley still stands crossing her arms and looking a bit frustrated. She moves in front of the TV. Shirley Don't you see, we need to get out, see the lights, meet new people for once. Instead of acting like guys with low grade money problems. Laverne But we do have low grade money problems. ~ Now the four are trying to watch the game around Shirley. Jo Shirley could you move, we need to see the TV. ~ She turns toward the TV and turns it off. The gang stands up and confronts her. Cont. Jo Why'd you do that for? Shirley Don't you see that we're just wasting our lives on meesly TV? Laverne You wanna waste your time on our fists? ~ Each of the four hold up a fist as if to punch her. Shirley amazingly stands her ground. Shirley This is what I mean. We're out of High school and yet you're still picking off fist fights. That's just juvenille. Why don't you all just grow up? Squiggy Because we're going through a phase Shirley... Lenny It's called "being single". ~ Shirley puts her hands up in a surrender motion. Shirley Fine, if you want to waste your minds on this garbage then go right ahead. I'm going to go to bed and be a mature person. ~ She starts walking toward the bedroom. Laverne You know Shirl you're not any eccential rolemodel either. You're just like any one of us. Shirley Ha that's what you think. I'm truly the wisest and most mature of all of you. Good night. ~ She disappears into the bedroom. Laverne's about to go in but Jo stops her. Jo Just let her go Laverne. She'll find her own answer. Lenny Right we'll take care of her. ~ The boys start walking toward the bedroom but Jo grabs them by the collar and pulls them back. They sit down on the couch and Laverne turns on the TV. Scene 2 ~ Int. - L&S's bedroom: Night ~ Shirley is already in her pajamas looking at the mirror brushing her hair. Shirley They'll know soon enough that I am the most mature of all of them. It's just something they'll learn through time. ~ She stands up and walks over to the bed and picks up Booboo kitty. Cont. Shirley You know that I'm mature right Booboo kitty? ~ She looks up from Booboo kitty not smiling. She realized what she's doing and lays the stuffed animal on Laverne's bed. Shirley gets into bed and turns out the light. Shirley They'll learn soon enough... Scene 3 ~ Int. L&S apartment: Night ~ We're in the living room with the guys all sitting on the couch not looking too happy. Squiggy's sitting on the arm of the couch none of them are smiling while watching the tv. Squiggy Touchdown. Jo Yea. ~ They say these things without much enthusiasm. Even Squiggy seems a little downhearted. Laverne looks around at them. Laverne Aw come on you guys. Lighten up! Jo I just can't believe that Shirley called us immature. I mean she's just the same as all of us. ~ She looks at Lenny and Squiggy. Cont. Jo Well maybe not exactly like us but that doesn't give her any reason to call us that. Laverne Aw, you know Shirley, she over reacts. She's just fooling around. Lenny It wasn't very nice though. ~ Laverne gets up. Laverne I'll go and talk to her. Watch them for me Jo. ~ Laverne leaves the room and goes into the bedroom. Squiggy hops down from the arm of the couch and goes onto the couch. Jo is in the middle while the boys are slowly inching their way towards her. Now they made a Jo sandwich and they put they're arms over her shoulders. They're about to kiss her on the cheek but she bends over for some popcorn. The boys end up almost kissing each other. They make faces and grimace at what they almost did. Scene 4 ~ Int. bedroom: Night ~ It's dark in the bedroom but we can see Laverne slowly creep toward Shirley. Shirley's eyes snap open. She closes them pretending to be a sleep. Now Laverne is right next to her bed. Laverne (whispering) Shirley... ~ Shirley gets up and hits Laverne with her pillow. Shirley is screaming and Laverne manages to turn on the light. Shirley stops pounding her with the pillow and smiles. Laverne is obviously not happy. Shirley Laverne what are you doing here. I thought you would be watching the Packers with your little friends. Laverne Shirl, they're all really mad at what you said about them. I think maybe you should apoligize. Shirley Apologize? Laverne they'll get over it, it's just something they need to live with. Even you Laverne. ~ Laverne is very surprised at what Shirley just said. Laverne Shirl, what's gotten into you? Shirley Laverne I just realized that I live with people that don't understand things they way I do and that maybe that means that I'm more mature than them. Laverne Well you tell me when you come to your senses Shirley, because if you want any friends you better do so soon. ~ She storms out of the room. Shirley Just another example of immaturity. ~ Shirley gets back into bed and turns out the light. She closes her eyes. Cont. Shirley One day they'll thank me. ~ Dream sequence Scene 4 ~ Int. L&S apartment: Morning ~ Laverne is already dressed and at the table ready to eat a hearty breakfast by the look of it. Shirley comes out yawning and still in her pajamas. Laverne isn't wearing an L on her shirt. Shirley Good morning, Laverne. Laverne Good morning, Shirley. ~ Shirley walks over to the table, and looks at Laverne and her breakfast. Shirley Laverne, you're never ready before I am. What's the occasion? Laverne Nothing special my friend. Please join me for breakfast. ~ Shirley sits down. Shirley What are we eating? Laverne Eggs benedict on toast, with a slice of cantaloupe and a glass of milk. ~ Shirley listens to all of this carefully and points to the glass of milk. Shirley Aren't you going to add some Pepsi to that? ~ Laverne gives her a look and laughs lightly. Laverne Oh that's so juvenile Shirley. Now eat your eggs before they get cold. ~ Shirley eats them like a normal person would but Laverne eats them very daintly. Shirley puts down her fork. Shirley Oh I get it. I know your little sceme. You're still mad at me about last night and this is how you're punishing me. ~ Laverne wipes her mouth. Laverne Yes, I must admit I was mad at first, but after a while I thought that maybe I was being a little immature, so I decided to change. ~ Shirley doesn't believe her ears. She goes over to the couch and sits down thinking about all of this. She shrugs it off and turns on the TV. Shirley So what are we gonna do tonight? Laverne Well I have a date with a young man that I have met and I'm very fond of. Shirley What does he do. Is he another sailor? ~ Laverne laughs. Laverne His name is Gregory Jones and he is a doctor. ~ Shirley's jaw drops open and she walks over to Laverne. Shirley A doctor? You got a date with a doctor? Laverne Yes, and he's very nice. I think that I have found the man of my dreams Shirley. ~ Shirley now can not believe a word that she is saying. Her mouth just hangs open. Shirley walks back to the couch. There's a knock at the door. Shirley Who is it? O.S. Squiggy You're friends and neighbors. ~ Laverne is plainly excited and walks to the door and opens it for them. They come in with nice fancy suits on holding their hats in their hands. Squiggy doesn't even have his little curl, his sneakers or his leather jacket. Lenny himself is also lacking his "Lonewolf" jacket and is wearing loafer like shoes. Laverne is smiling but Shirley's jaw is hanging loosely. Squiggy Hello ladies. Laverne Hello Leonard, Andrew. What brings you here on this fine morning? Lenny Well Andrew thought that it would be a good idea to drop by all of our dear friends' houses and here we are. ~ They hand her a present. Laverne Aw, why thank you Leonard. ~ She opens it up and inside is a very nice sweater. Laverne holds it up to her and smiles. Laverne Thank you so much boys. Squiggy Well it's the least we could do. We were thinking last night and just realized that in all the time that we knew each other we never did give you any presents. Shirley Boys, are you alright? Lenny Yes Shirley, we're more than alright. We're great. You changed our lives. Shirley I have? ~ Shirley's not so sure that she did something good by changing their lives. Squiggy Yes, before we were dumb fools, but now we're very classy guys. ~ Squiggy puts an arm around Shirley's shoulders, and there's no sign of grease, which is probably making Shirley more nervous than anything. Squiggy Today I found a bum on the street... ~ Shirley is happy now, she's expecting him to say something nasty or weird. Shirley What'd you do? Squiggy I looked at that bum, and I gave him a one dollar bill. He was so happy and now I know that I've made someone happy. Making me even happier. ~ Shirley frowns unbelievingly. Squiggy walks back toward Lenny. Lennny is smiling widely and is standing on the top of the stairs. Laverne Well thank you boys for coming. Lenny Wait, before I go I have an announcement to make. (to Squiggy) Andrew could you get Joanna for me. ~ Shirley's happy to hear this, she hopes that Jo is normal instead of mature. Shirley Yes get Jo! ~ Squiggy leaves and comes back in a second with Jo. She isn't wearing her leather jacket and her hair isn't tied up in it's usual pony-tail. She's wearing a skirt with a blouse. Shirley's smile fades. Jo What's going on Leonard? ~ Lenny gets down on one knee. Jo is starting to blush and Shirley's eyes are widening. Lenny Joanna Hunter Fonzarelli, will you marry me? ~ He holds out a ring and Laverne and Squiggy are trying not to cry. Jo Yes! ~ Lenny get's up and kisses Jo. While they're kissing Laverne and Squiggy cry of happiness and hug each other. Shirley's the only one not doing anything. She goes to the wall and starts pounding her head against it. As a stroke of luck for Shirley, Carmine comes in. Everybody stops what they're doing and looks at him. Carmine Hey, the Big Ragoo is here! Laverne Oh Carmine, Leonard and Joanna are getting married! ~ Carmine is smiling widely and pats Lenny and Jo on the back. Carmine Hey congratulations! ~ Shirley stops pounding her head on the wall and goes over to Carmine. Shirley Oh Carmine, please tell me you're normal! Carmine I'm normal. ~ She looks up at the ceiling and mouths "thank you". Carmine But I came to announce that I got a record deal and I'm going to California! ~ Len, Squig, Jo and Laverne all congratulate him. Squiggy I say we all celebrate by going to Chez Pfister, my treat. Shirley What is happening?! I don't want everybody to change!! ~ She falls onto the floor and starts bawling. The camera zooms up on her face and then zooms out showing Shirley in a baby costume. Laverne Oh don't be so immature Shirley. Lenny Yeah be a little like us. ~ The gang leaves Shirley crying in her baby suit. Shirley I sorry! I'm not mature! I'm not! I'm not! ~ Dream sequence Scene 5 - Int. L&S bedroom: Night ~ Shirley is tossing and turning in her bed. Shirley I'm not! I'm not! ~ Laverne runs into the bedroom and turns on the light. Laverne Shirl? ~ Shirley snaps awake. Her eyes wide. Shirley Oh Laverne! ~ He looks and touches her "L". Shirley Oh thank god! Wait! ~ Shirley runs out of the room. Scene 6 - Int. L&S apartment: Night ~ Shirley runs into the room while Lenny, Squiggy and Jo are cleaning up or trying to at least. Shirley is in her pajamas rousing Lenny and Squiggy. Shirley Oh thank god! ~ Jo grabs Lenny by the back of his jacket and Lenny grabs Squiggy making the two fall down. Shirley Oh thank you thank you! Squiggy What's up with you Shirl? Shirley Oh I had the most horrible dream... Jo You know Shirley, I think you maybe right about being a little more mature. ~ The boys get up. Lenny Yeah, Jo told us that girls like mature guys. ~ Shirley's eyes get wide and Laverne comes in the room. Shirley NO! No! I take it all back. Just be the way you are! Squiggy Well if you insist. ~ Squiggy advances on Shirley but Laverne stands between them. Laverne Uh, guys I think you better leave. ~ The three grumble and then start to leave. Jo Bye, Laverne, Shirley. Shirley/Laverne See ya Jo, Len, Squig. ~ They leave the apartment. Laverne I'm glad you appoligized Shirl. Shirley Well, I guess I had too. You know I had the weirdest dream. ~ They start cleaning up. Laverne Yeah? Shirley Yeah, Lenny and Squiggy were all mature. And Lenny and Jo were going to get married, and Carmine was going to California. Laverne Was I in it? Shirley Yes, you were going to go on a date with a doctor. ~ Laverne's eyes get big and she smiles a sly smile. Laverne Was he cute? Shirley I don't know. Laverne Did we..? ~ Shirley looks up at Laverne. Shirley Sometimes I do wish that you would grow up a little Laverne. Laverne I just had to know.