Written by: Maggie and S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - afternoon - Milwaukee, 1962
Laverne and Shirley are on the phone with Mark and Tom.
Laverne: That's great, Mark! I'd love to do that with you!
Shirley: Nothing smutty, right, Laverne?
Shirley paced back and forth.
Laverne: All that sounds great!
Crashing noise from outside the apartment building.
Laverne: Well, I got to go, Tom..I mean Mark!
She hangs up the phone.
Shirley: What was that?
There's a knock on the door. Laverne answers.
Han Solo and Luke Skywalker walk in.
Luke: Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker.
Laverne checks them out.
Laverne: Not baaaaad.
Laverne: Laverne DeFazio...free tonight.
Han takes her hand and kisses it.
Shirley: But what about... ::Laverne kicks her.
Laverne: Well, well, (to Shirley) Cute and charming.
Shirley: Hello there, uh...(looks at Han Solo)
Han: Han Solo, single as they can get.
Shirley: (smiles) Well!
Luke: Hey, what about me?
Shirley fixes her hair and giggles.
Shirley: Nice to meet you both.
Han: We're from... out of town. Would you ladies like to show us around tonight?
Laverne: Yes, we'd love to. (grins) Anywhere in particular?
Laverne motions her head to the bedroom.
Luke: Well, I'm pretty hungry--
Shirley: Me too.
Han: But I'm not!
Han looks at the bedroom too. Laverne leads Han to the bedroom.
Shirley: We don't do that.
Han: We do!
Shirley: I'll tell your father you had a strange man in there.
Laverne: You wouldn't dare.
Shirley: Oh, would I?
Laverne: Let's eat.
Laverne looks at Han Solo and he pouts.
Laverne: We'll save the desert for later.
Laverne winks at Han and he grins.
Laverne: Let's go to the Pizza Bowl!
Shirley: Really, Laverne? The Pizza Bowl?
Laverne: Where should we go, Madame Feeney?
Luke: That sounds fine to me...
Shirley: The Chez Phister sounds better.
Han: We'll leave it up to you girls.
He pulls Luke aside.
Luke: Han, we need to find a way to get the hyperdrive fixed! We don't have time for this!
Laverne: The Pizza Bowl!
Luke: Besides, if Leia found out, she'd kill you...
Yeah, and Carmine would kill Shirl.
Han: So let's make sure no one finds out! Problem solved!
Shirley: (smiles) Okay.
The Pizza Bowl
The juke box is playing, "I wanna Hold Your Hand." Laverne, Luke, Shirley, and Han enter.
Laverne: Where do ya wanna sit?
Luke: (points) Over there.
Han: Nice place...
Laverne: My pop owns it.
They sit down.
Laverne: You'll like my pop. He's really nice.
Luke: That's great. You know, my father murdered millions of people!
Shirley: That's terrible.
Luke: I know, but he was sorry for it and then he died. So I'm over it now.
Frank comes out of the kitchen.
Frank: (to the kitchen help) NO BURNING OF THE PIZZAS OR I'LL SMASH YOUR HEAD WITH MY BEER CAN!!!
Han: Luke, dont try to make girls feel sorry for you to get attention!
Shirley: That's so sad.
Suddenly Carmine came in with Lucille Lockwash.
Laverne: Don't look now, Shirl.
Luke: Who's that?
Luke puts his arm around her. Shirley returns the embrace.
Han: Your father sounded real... nice, Laverne.
Carmine sees them and walks to the table.
Carmine: Hi, Laverne! Hi, Angelface!
Laverne: Hi, Carmine. Hello, Lucille.
Lucille: Hello, Shirley.
Shirley: Hello, Mrs. Lockwash.
Luke: Hello people I dont know.
Laverne: Oh! This is Han Solo and Luke Skywalker!
Carmine: Hey, do you guys box?
Han: Yeah, why?
Luke: Actually I'm better with a lightsaber..
Carmine: I'm a boxer too.
Carmine: I'm going to Europe in a week!
Lucille: A one bedroom hotel room too!
Carmine does his boyish giggle.
Han: Good for you!
Lucille: We better be going, Carmine. Goodbye, Shirley.
Shirley: Goodbye, Mrs. Lockwash.
Luke: That was a lot of fun.
Laverne: (to Han) Not as much fun as we'll have later, huh?
Frank serves the pizzas. Han nods vigorously.
Frank: Are you having fun, muffin?
Laverne: Yeah, pop.
Frank: (to Han) If you touch her, I'll break your neck! Frank holds up his fist to Han's face. Han flinches.
Han: You remind me of Luke's dad!
Laverne: Let's hurry up and eat so we can have desert later.
Han: Good idea!
Frank throws his hands up in the air, mumbles something in italian, and goes back into the kitchen.
Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - later that evening
They arrive and turn on the lights
Laverne: Do you guys wanna sit on the couch?
Han: Or the bedroom...
Laverne: (grins) Yeah.
Shirley: You boys never told us why you came here in the first place.
Luke: well, it's pretty simple...
Han: We're from the planet Coruscant, we got stranded, and we need to fix a part of our ship so we can report back.
Laverne: They got a great sense of humor, these two.
Shirley nods and laughs. Han and Luke nod and laugh with them.
Laverne: Do you boys live in Milwaukee?
Luke: No, we travel a lot, dont live in one place for long.
Laverne: Oh, that's nice. (smiles)
Han: Right now I feel like traveling to the bedroom
He looks at Laverne.
Shirley: No! Nothing disgusting!
The door opens.
Luke: What's that?
Squiggy: I'm a Squiggy, what are you?
Han: It looks like Chewbacca, yet smells like Jabba the Hutt!
Squiggy: (to Lenny) They must be foreigners.
Princess Leia walks in. Lenny and Squiggy make noises and Lenny bites his palm.
Lenny: She's all mine!
Han (terrified): Yes, Princess?
Squiggy grabs her and licks her face. Leia kicks him in a sensitive spot and steps over him to get to Han.
Laverne: Who's she?
Luke: His girlfriend, and my sister.
Laverne grabs a bottle of Pepsi and pour it down his pants. Leia hits Han repeatedly and Han begs for forgiveness.
Han (quietly): Laverne, I may need you to do that to me in a few minutes. OUCH!
Laverne: I guess the date's over! Everybody out!
Laverne punched him in the face.
Leia: Thank you.
Laverne: You're welcome. Nice hair.
Leia: (touches her hair) Oh, thank you. I like your "L". I'll have to try that sometime...
Laverne: The idea is to sew it on without it poking out...
Shirley: This man is bleeding.
Leia: He'll stop eventually.
Laverne: Who does your wardrobe?
Han: (screams in pain) OOOOOWWWWWWW!
Laverne: Shut up! You'll live!
Leia: Han, I am trying to talk to these nice girls so be (kicks Han in the face) quiet!!
Luke: Come on Han, you know how she gets...
Shirley: I'm gonna call a doctor.
Leia: I loveeee doctors!
Shirley: Me too! I wanna marry one!
Shirley forgot all about calling the doctor and talked to Princess Leia.
Leia: I've never really gotten to know a doctor, but I do know a few very nice princes. It's amazing that I've clung to this (points to Han on the floor) for as long as I have.
Pretty soon, they were all in the kitchen drinking tea and eating scooter pies while Han was in agony.
Time Goes by.
Leia: So far, this is the only man Ican count on. (points to Luke) My twin brother.
Laverne and Shirley are in tears.
More time goes by.
Shirley: ...and that's how I make Sour craut sandwiches.
::Time went on and on::
Shirley: Well, (yawn) Have you met Boo Boo Kitty?
Luke: Not yet... I think we'd better get going, Leia.
Laverne: So soon?
Han: (screaming) Yeah... I think I broke a few bones...
Laverne: Well, stop by again sometime.
Shirley: Yes, please do.
Luke: Oh, we will. Hey, would you like to come with us?
Laverne opens the door.
Shirley: (yawns) We have work tomorrow.
Luke picks Han up.
Laverne: We'll take a rain check.
Leia: Alright, but I'm holding you to that. I'll introduce you to all of the handsome princes I know.
Laverne: Oooooh! I can't wait!
Luke: May the Force be with you!
Laverne: They were nice, huh?
Shirley: Yeah....let's go to bed, okay?
Shirley: Goodnight, Laverne.
Laverne: May the force be with you, Shirl.
They smile, hug, and go to bed.