YOU ARE A CRAZY MALPH

[Opening Scene]

On a hot spring day, outside Laverne and Shirley's apartment building, Ralph Malph sat and contemplated his existence on earth. An Ice Cream truck zoomed by with a white haired man and a teenage boy who looked a lot like Michael J. Fox, as well as a white haired dog in the cocpit. They sped by very quickley as if they were going 88 miles per hour. Ralph heard a loud noise and looked up. The Ice Cream truck had vanished and all that was left was a set of firery skid marks. Ralph jumped up and wandered into the building in a dazzed stooper. He stammered down a short set of stairs until he came to a door and being uneasy, leaned against it with some force to create a "THUMP."

Inside, Laverne is reading Shirley's diary with immense interest.

Laverne: I never knew Shirley knew how to do that.(She puts down the diary, walks to the door, and unlocks it, and opens it. Ralph Malph fell onto the floor and landed on Laverne's feet.)Hey, you're one of Richie's friends, right?

Ralph:(looking up at her) Yeah, Ralph Malph.

Laverne: Oh, now I remember you. You and your friend Potsie were the ones that wouldn't stop starin' at me and Fonzie on our date.

Ralph: Yeah, but...

Laverne: Listen, if you're selling boy scout cookies, I'm broke.

Ralph: No, I've come to say...

Shirley walked through the door with a dozen roses. She had tears coming out of her eyes.

Shirley: Oh, Laverne, he died, he died.

Laverne:(her face sunk slowly to her knees and she sat down on the couch slowly) Who died, Shirl?

Shirley: The rabbit.

Laverne:(standing up) Shirl, it's not...

Shirley: Carmine's? Yes, laverne.

Ralph: I knew it, I knew it.

Laverne: How could you know?

Ralph: No, I saw an Ice Cream truck disappear before my very eyes. All that was left, was a trail of fire. bad things are happening...it's an omen.

Shirley:(to Laverne)Laverne, He's nuts.

Laverne:(whispers to Shirley) He bumped his head when he came in. I don't know.

Shirley: So, do you think he's got amnesia?

Laverne: I don't know, uh, Ralph?

Ralph: Huh?

Laverne: No, he's fine.

Shirley: Is it possible that he's more stupid than Lenny and Squiggy?

L&S Together: Nah!

Shirley: Oh, Laverne, this is terrible. Should we call Richie or Fonzie?

Laverne: No, I think he should go home.

Shirley: Oh,no.

Shirley curls up, lies on the couch, and Laverne walks over with concern.

Laverne:(leaning over her) What's the matter, Shirl?

Shirley: I've got a gas bubble.

Laverne: Oh, Shirley, not again. Remember the last time you had a gas bubble? Carmine was here and I had to burp you in the kitchen.

Shirley: Well, do it again.

Laverne: You're going to have to learn to burp on you own.

Shirley: Laverne, please, the next time that we do cleaning, I'll clean underneath the refrigerator, okay? Burp me, now.

Laverne:(staightning herself out) Uh, just a momment, Ralph. Girl trouble.(to Shirley) I'll fix you a bromo.

Laverne walks Shirley into the kitchen. Ralph, feeling very uneasy about standing on his feet, collapses on the coffee table.

Laverne: Oh, no, not him too. I've only got two hands. I'll deal with one nut case at a time.(She picked up Shirley and rested her head on her shoulder. Laverne pats her back) Now, burp, you can do it.

Shirley let out a big belch. Laverne put her down and went to assist Ralph Malph.

Laverne:(lifting him up) Are you all right?

Ralph: No, there are space men invading the earth.

Laverne: That again? Ralph, why don't you write a book about it? Put your crazy imagination to good use.

Ralph walked out the door and down Kanap Street until he got to the other side of town. While walking, Ralph thought to himself about being crazy and knowing that he wasn't. He approached Arnold's and felt his tummy rumble. Fonzie rode his bike into the parking lot and got off. Ralph watched him go inside, so he followed. When he walked in, the juke box was playing "La Bamba." He smelt the hamburgers and french fries cooking. Richie and Potsie were sitting at their usual table, so Ralph walked over to join them.

Ralph: Hi, guys.

Richie: Hi, Ralph. Sit down.

Ralph: You'll never guess what happened today.

Richie: What?

Ralph: Guess?

Potsie: Your mother let you fix your own hair.

Ralph: No.

Richie: You finally got a date with Allison Ripples.

Ralph: I wish.

Richie: Then, what?

Ralph: A spaceship came down to earth and Shirley Feeney's pregnant.

Richie: Ralph, that's crazy.

Ralph: You think I'm crazy too?

Potsie: I don't think you're crazy.

Ralph: Good, one person believes me.

Potsie: I don't believe you.

Ralph: But, you said...

Potsie: I SAID, I don't think your crazy...you're insane.

Fonzie walked over to the table. Ralph got up, slowly got down on his knees, and put his head on Fonzie's feet.

Ralph: Fonzie, you've got to help me. Everyone thinks that I'm crazy.

Fonzie: You are Malph.

Mork:(coming into Arnold's with a rabbit in his hands) Nah-noo, Nah-noo!

Fonzie: Off my shoes, Malph.

Ralph sprung to his feet, took a look at Mork with a rabbit in his hands, and fainted. When he woke up, he was in Fonzie's bedroom. Ralph slowly sat up and looked around. The room was empty. Ralph got up, went to the door, and tried to open it, but it was locked. He walked over to Fonzie's bed and sat down nervously. A bright yellow light filled the room. Mork stood with his arms by his side.

Mork: Hello, Ralph.

Ralph: How do you know my name?

Mork: I know everything about you. I know that your mother does your hair in the morning, You go to Jefferson High School, you get beat every week by the Purple Fiends, and you cheating on your math test.

Ralph: That's amazing. Are you the one that drove past Laverne and Shirley's?

Mork: Laverne and Shirley? Are they earth people?

Ralph: Yes, beautiful, mature, sophisticated earth girls.

Mork: Like my earth friend, Mindy?

Ralph: You have an earth friend?

Mork: Yes, she's from Boulder, Colorodo. I'm from the planet Ork.

Ralph: Hey, can you come to Arnold's with me? All my friend think that I'm crazy.

Mork: Crazy?

Ralph: Yeah.

Mork: Maybe you are. People often say that I'm crazy.(The door opened and Mork disappeared.)

Ralph: Wow, just like that Ice Cream truck.

Fonzie:(walking into his room to find Ralph on his bed. He approached Ralph and stopped.) Off the bed, Malph.

Ralph:(jumping off the bed) You got to help me, Fonz.

Fonzie: I'm going to bed, okay? Get out.

Ralph: But the world might be gone tomorrow.

Fonzie got out of bed and went into the bathroom.

Ralph: Where are you going?

Fonzie: To brush my teeth. The Fonz don't sleep unless his breath is sweet.(closes the door and opens it again) Malph, when I come out, YOU better not be here.

Ralph left and went back to Laverne and Shirley's.

Laverne: Hey, Shirl, about that Rabbit, when did it happen?

Shirley: About 8:15, last night.(she went into the bedroom)

Laverne: Tell me about it, please.(goes after her)

There was a knock at the door. Laverne with curlers in her hair and tape over her bangs, answered the door. Ralph stood there helpless as a sick puppy.

Shirley:(from the bedroom) Who is it, Laverne?

Laverne: It's Ralph.

Shirley: What does he want?

Laverne: What do you want?

Ralph: you're in danger. Mork says that he is going to take over the world.

Laverne: That's crazy. You've been watching too many science fiction movies.

Ralph: No, I haven't. Besides, the last film I saw was Psycho.

Laverne: That explains a lot.(she pushed him out the door)

Ralph: But, wait!

Laverne: Goodbye, kid.

Ralph lingered around ther apartment till midnight. He decided to go home and worry in a familiar envirnment. Just as he was leaving, a bright light flashed and Ralph looked back. There, he saw the light travel into Laverne and Shirley's apartment. He ran downstairs and pounded on their door. Laverne came out of the bedroom yawning while Shirley grabbed The Feeney Family Album. The pounding continued.

Laverne: Just a minute, just a minute.(to the door) Who is it?

Ralph: Ralph.

Laverne opens the door, saw Ralph and closed it. She headed back to the bedroom.

Shirley: Who was it, Laverne?

Laverne: Nobody, I think I'm having a nightmare.(the pounding started again) Uh, I can't take it anymore, Shirl!

Shirley: I'll get it, Laverne, but this time I'll have protection.(she grabbed a bat and in a low voice) Who is it?

Ralph: It'sRalph.

Shirley:(opened the door. Ralph stood motionless.) Ralph. it's after midnight.

Ralph: You have an alien monster in your apartment.

Shirley: Oh, please, don't start that again. It might've been funny earlier, but it's not funny now. Some of us are trying to get our beauty rest.(she looks at Laverne) Please go away.

Ralph:(Mork appears in the kitchen. He turns as white as a ghost) There he is.(he points to the kitchen. Laverne and Shirley turn around, but he disappears. Ralph runs into their kitchen.) He was here, I swear.

Laverne: Who?

Ralph: Mork.

Laverne: Mork who?

Ralph: From the planet Ork.

Laverne: All right, that's it. I've had just about enough of you and your stories. Go pester someone else and leave us alone.(She opened the door and tossed him out. Ralph strolled down the street and saw a glowing light. Mork stood with a remote controlled button in his hands.)

Ralph: What are you doing?

Mork: I'm going to blow up Milwaukee.

Ralph: Why Milwaukee?

Mork: Orson said that Milwaukee was where dreams come true and where happy days are yours and mine.

Ralph: If that's true, then why?

Mork: Because he doesn't feel.

Ralph: Do you?

Mork: I don't know, but I do know this, you are a crazy Malph.

Ralph: I'm not crazy. I wish everyone would stop saying that I am.

Suddenly Laverne, Shirley, Fonzie, Richie, and Potsie appeared.

Mork: Here are your friends, say goodbye.

Ralph: No! Fonzie, this is the alien Mork. He is going t blow up Milwaukee!

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!!!

Laverne: You still makin' up those stories? You are a Crazy Malph.

Shirley: Yes. oh, yes, that you are.

Ralph: I am not. What I'm saying is true. We're all going to die!

Potsie: You ARE a crazy Malph!

Ralph: Stop it, stop it!

Everyone gathered around and chanted, YOU ARE A CRAZY MALPH. Malph woke up in Laverne and Shirley's living room on their couch.

Laverne: He's awake.

Shirley got up from the kitchen table and walked to the couch.

Ralph: Did Milwaukee blow up yet?

Laverne: I think it's the bump on the head.

Shirley: I'll get the meatloaf.

Laverne: It's our dinner, Shirl.

Shirley: We'll order out.( she puts it on Ralph's head) Here you go, feel better?

Laverne: Hey, Shirl, move the t.v. set over here. I want to watch Twilight Zone before I go to bed.(Shirley goes to get the t.v set and Ralph jumps up.)

Ralph: You shouldn't move that in your condition.

Shirley: What condition?

Ralph: You know, you might hurt the baby.

Laverne: What baby?

Ralph: You know what baby. Shirley said the rabbit died, remember?

Laverne:(bursting out laughing) You thought that...ha,ha,ha!.. ...Shirley, in trouble? Ha,Ha!(looks at Shirley) Are you in trouble?

Shirley: No, of course not, look, Ralph, when I said that the rabbit died, I meant Carmine's rabbit died.

Ralph: Carmine's expecting a baby too?

Shirley: No, I'm not having a baby and neither is Carmine! His pet rabbit LITTLE RAGOO died. The poor little thing died last night.

Ralph: Orson killed the rabbit.

Laverne: Stop it with that silly story of yours. I'm missing Twilight Zone. Besides, it was probably some crazy dream you had.

Ralph: No, it was so real and you both were there.

Laverne: You know what you are, YOU ARE A CRAZY MALPH.

Shirley: You said a mouth full, Laverne.

Ralph: Not again.

THE END