Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Scene 1
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment, 1968 - Day
Clothes were scattered around the apartment as Laverne hurried to get out the door. The phone rang and she tried to find it amongst the clutter. She managed to locate it underneath a pile of shirts and picked up the receiver.
Laverne: Hello?
Shirley: Hi, Laverne. It's Shirley.
Laverne: Hey, Shirl. How are you and Walter doing?
Shirley: Well that's what I called to tell you about. Walter and I separated. He feels we're not compatible.
Laverne: You don't sound upset by this.
Shirley: Actually, I'm not.
Laverne: But didn't you tell me you were pregnant before you left?
Shirley: I lied. What happened was the week before I left and after we were fired from Bardwell's, I found a partially eaten bunny. I felt so sorry for the floppy eared guy, so I took him to the vet. The doctor said he'd call if there were any news. So I went home and got a call the next day. He told me the rabbit died.
Laverne: That's it? "Tell-It-All" Feeney lied to me?
Shirley: It was a fib, Laverne.
Laverne: Okay, so I thought I was gonna be a godmother.
Shirley: I'm sorry, Laverne.
Laverne paused to think for a moment and smiled.
Laverne: I'm okay with it, Shirl.
Shirley: Well I'm happy to hear that, Laverne.
Laverne: Where is Walter?
Shirley: I don't know. He just disappeared...
Blur to:
INT. Walter and Shirley's Beach House in France
Walter and Shirley are discussing their plans of a possible divorce.
Walter: I just don't think this marriage will work.
Shirley: Maybe you're right.
Walter: Why wouldn't I be? Look Shirley, I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back to discuss this with you later.
He leaned over to kiss her but she pushed him away.
Shirley: Good-bye, Walter.
He exited.
Blur back to:
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment
The doorbell rang and Laverne answered. In the doorway stood a man who'd had his heart ripped out and stomped on.
Laverne: Hey, are you okay?
Carmine: She dumped me.
Laverne: Rachel?
Carmine: No, she dumped me two weeks ago. Jennifer dumped me last night.
Laverne: Oh yeah, the redhead.
Carmine: That was Alicia.
Laverne: Hmm. Rhonda invites you to one Hollywood party and suddenly you're Hugh Hefner.
Carmine: I wish I could find the right girl and possibly marry her.
Flash to:
[Episode 144 - "I Do, I Don't"]
Shirley and Carmine almost say "I do." But Shirley backs out fearing she'd be forcing Carmine into a life long commitment just for a free reception.
Flash back to:
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment
Carmine pictured Shirley in her white wedding gown with veil and her gorgeous smile which showed off her dimples.
Carmine: [CONT'D] I once had the girl of my dreams, but..
Laverne: (grinning) Well, maybe you will.
Carmine: (confused) Huh?
Laverne: Let's go to Cowboy Bill's.. my treat.
Carmine: Okay.
They exited the apartment.
Scene 2
INT. Mercedes Benz, Outside the Golden Girls Residence – Afternoon
Walter woke up in the driveway of a house surrounded by palm trees. He got out of his car thinking it was a gag. He walked up to the door and rang the bell. A tall silvery haired woman answered.
Dorothy: Yes?
Walter: You're not Laverne.
Dorothy: No, not today, but if you try again later, maybe you'll be in luck.
She slammed the door in his face.
He made his way back to the car, but just as he was getting ready to open the door, he noticed a twenty dollar bill lying in the middle of the road. He casually strolled over to pick it up, when "BAM!" Walter was hit by a car and sent flying down the street and landed in the Weston's driveway with an extreme amount of force. The car stopped in front of the Golden Girls house. The passenger's door opened and a short gray haired woman got out. Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose came outside to see what happened.
Dorothy: Ma, are you alright?
Sophia: I'm fine, but that poor shmuck isn't.
Dorothy: Oh my God! Ma, what happened?
Sophia: I was driving along and then I almost wet my pants.
Dorothy looked inside the car.
Dorothy: Ma, there isn't a phone book in the seat!
Sophia: So I forgot. What do you expect, I'm 80 years old.
Dorothy: Well someone should call 911.
Rose: I will. What's the number?
Dorothy: Oh, I'll do it! If everyone had your brain, Rose, then the whole population would die out!
Dorothy hurried back inside.
Blanche: Wait a minute! That man is in Dr. Weston's driveway.
Rose had a confused look on her face.
Rose: What are you saying?
Sophia: I'm saying Rose needs to buy herself a clue.
Blanche: No, no. He can help us. Don't forget that his daughter Barbara is a cop. I'm going over there.
Sophia: I'll go with you.
Rose: What about me?
Sophia: You can wash my car.
Rose nodded and thought for a moment in complete and utter confusion.
EXT. Weston's Driveway - Ten Minutes Later
The paramedics arrived at the scene of the accident. Walter laid motionless on the hot cement with blood oozing out of his mouth and head. One of the paramedics noticed Walter holding a dollar between his fingers.
Paramedic # 1: Look at that. He's half-dead and is holding onto a buck.
Paramedic #2: A buck? That's stupid. What can you buy with a buck?
David Spade: Hey man! You can call 1-800-COLLECT! (makes dialing noises with his mouth) All calls up to 20 minutes are only a 99 cents and every additional minute after that is only 7 cents.
Paramedic #1: Wow, thanks.
David Spade: Just doing my job.
Paramedic #2: You're a life saver!
Before David Spade could leave the scene of the accident, Blanche grabbed him.
Blanche: Where do you think you're going, honey?
David Spade: Well, my job here is done unless...
Blanche: Would you prefer the lights on or off?
David Spade: Do you have a mirror?
Blanche: Above and beside my bed.
David Spade: Let's not waste any time! Let's get it on!!
Blanche: We better make it quick because I have to go to Dr. Weston's house with Sophia.
David nodded and they ran across the street.
Scene 3
INT. The Weston's House [Empty Nest]
Walter was rushed to the hospital. Blanche, Sophia, Dr. Harry Weston, Carol Weston, Barbara Weston, and Dryfuss, their St. Bernard, were seated in the livingroom.
Harry: Sophia, you hit someone with your car?
Sophia: Not on purpose. Though by the looks of him, he reminded me of the putz Dorothy married. Am I going to jail?
Barbara: No, Sophia.
Carol: (sympathetic) Of course not, Sophia. It was an accident and I'm sure you're still in shock and need to rest.
Sophia: And I'm sure you need psychiatric help.
Blanche: Listen, we don't have to got to court, do we?
Barbara: If he doesn’t sue.
Sophia: It was the yutz's fault.
Harry: It's his word against yours.
Carol: Don't worry, Sophia. I'm here for you.
Carol cuddles up to her.
Sophia: Stand back, Carol. I still have plenty of gas in my tank.
Carol backed away.
Harry: Where's Dorothy?
Sophia: Who cares. She's not the one going to jail.
The door bell rang and Carol answered. Standing in front of her were Lenny and Squiggy.
Squiggy: Hell-o!
Carol: Who are you?
Squiggy: I'm Andrew Squiggman.
Lenny: I'm his best friend, Leornard Kosnowski.
Carol: Why are you here?
Squiggy: Why are we here, Len?
Lenny: Your pocket.
Squiggy checked his pocket and pulled out a crinkled piece of paper.He uncrumpled it and began to read.
Squiggy: "To whom it may concern, this scene is getting a little meaningless considering Walter Meeney is now dead. Please, stop talking and let the writer change her scene. Thank you! Sincerely, Feen." Whoever that is. Well, we'd like ta stay but it's almost time for Lenny's bath. We bid ya 'I do.' Bye!
Lenny and Squiggy exited and the room was completely silent.
Sophia: And I thought Rose was the only moron.
INT. Hospital
Walter was in a room with a sheet over his head. He was declared dead at 6 o'clock in the evening of 1992. (Strange? Yes, but this fic is meaningless ;-)
There was a flashing light and suddenly the sheet sunk down and Walter was gone.
Scene 3
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Day
The apartment was still in shambles. Rhonda sat in a chair on the balcony for yet another tanning emergency. Laverne had gone out for more Pepsi and Scooter Pies. There was a knock at the door.
Rhonda: The door's open!
The door opened and in all her greatness and beauty stood Shirley "soon-to-be-Feeney" Meeney. She saw Rhonda on the balcony.
Shirley: Hello, Rhonda! I'm back home!
Rhonda: Oh Shirley! I'm glad you're here.
Shirley smiled.
Shirley: Aw, gee..
Rhonda: Could you hold this visor up a little higher? And get Rhonda some tea with a dash of lemon and honey.
Shirley's warm smile darkened into a cold glare.
Shirley: I'm happy to see you too, Rhonda. (brief Pause) Where's Laverne?
Rhonda: She went to the store.
Shirley: Well, I guess I'll wait here.
Rhonda: Shirley, my tea.
Shirley: Right, Rhonda.
The door bell rang and Shirley was saved by the bell.
Shirley: [CONT'D] Don't bother getting up, Rhonda. I'll get it.
She answered the door and lo' and behold, her prince charming had arrived.
Carmine: Hey, Shirl.
Shirley: Oh Carmine, it's so nice to see you again!
She gave him a big hug and kissed him on the cheek. He came into the apartment and sat down on the couch.
Rhonda: Carmine, is that you?
Carmine: Yeah.
Rhonda: Could you...
Shirley: Rhonda, could you go somewhere else?
Rhonda: But it's a tanning emergency.
Shirley: GET OUT!
Rhonda: Well! Rhonda knows when she's not wanted.
Rhonda got up from her chair.
She exited through the back door. Shirley fixed the back of her hair and proceeded to talk to Carmine.
Shirley: So, Carmine, how have you been?
Carmine: I've been all right. How is..
Shirley: We're separated.
Carmine felt a little hope for himself and tried not show his happiness too much.
Carmine: Do you have children yet?
Shirley: No, Walter and I never had children.
Carmine: Oh.
Shirley: Carmine, Walter and I have been discussing the "D" word.
Carmine: The "D" word?
Shirley: You know, Carmine..D-I-V-O-R-C-
Carmine: Divorce?
Shirley: Yeah.
Carmine: I thought that you two were happy together.
Shirley: I thought so too, but I guess deep down inside we were never meant to be with each other.
Carmine and Shirley drew closer as if a magnetic force was pulling them into a long awaited kiss. But just as their lips were about to touch, Laverne entered the apartment. She saw Shirley on the couch with Carmine and put down her groceries.
Laverne: Shirley?
Shirley: Laverne!
Laverne: When did you get here?
Shirley: About 10 minutes ago. Oh I've missed you, Laverne.
Shirley gave Laverne a big hug.
Laverne: I missed you too. It gets lonely here. Especially when you're not here.
Shirley: And the apartment, it's..
Shirley scanned the apartment and it looked like it had been hit by a cyclone.
Laverne: I redecorated.
Shirley: (smiling) I'm just glad to be back home.
Laverne: Have you heard from Walter yet?
Shirley: No, it's very strange though.
Door opens.
Squiggy: Hell-o!
Laverne: When are you boys ever gonna learn how to knock?
Squiggy: When blind donkeys sit on pigs, Laverne.
Shirley: Hi, boys.
Squiggy: Shirley, I thought you was with that mummy.
Shirley: Not anymore.
Squiggy: I guess ya finally cast the spell on him, right? Tell me, Shirl, which book did you use first? "The book of Life" or "The book of Death?"
Shirley: Boys, he wasn't really a mummy!
Squiggy: Oh yeah, tell that to Christopher Lee.
Laverne: Look boys, we’re kinda in the middle of something here.
Squiggy: In the middle of what?
Laverne pushed Squiggy aside.
Laverne: Why did you come here?
Squiggy: Laverne, I’m your friend. Do you think I’d come here just to suck the life outta your miserable body?
Laverne: Squig, how can I say this without being, well, get out!
Squiggy: Come on, Lenny! We’ll take our business elsewhere.
Lenny and Squiggy left the apartment.
Carmine stood up and gazed into Shirley’s blue eyes.
Laverne: Uh, maybe I should leave you two alone.
Shirley: Okay, Laverne.
Laverne: I’ll just go upstairs and separate the beds.
She hurried upstairs, while downstairs, Shirley and Carmine’s eyes were still locked on one another.
Carmine: Shirl, would you like to have dinner with me?
Shirley: (smiling) I’d love to.
Carmine: Great. I’ll pick you up at six.
Carmine gave her a kiss on the cheek and was soon out the door. Shirley smiled with a deep sigh.
Shirley: He still loves me.
Scene 4
EXT. Suburbia - Day
In the midst of a rural neighborhood, stood a dark and obscure castle with vines surrounding the gates and trees. It was located on a hill near a pastel paradise known as Suburbia. At the main gate stood Walter Meeney, the relentless fool. He noticed that the gate was slightly opened and proceeded to push it further until the mystery behind it’s concealment was more relevant. Within the castle’s boundaries, were beautiful green shaped shrubs, made into such designs as, a deer, a hand, and a dragon. Walter passed by all the magnificent displays and followed a pathway, which led him to the front door. He lifted the slightly heavy doorknocker and begin to strike it three times. There wasn’t an answer so he turned the handle and pushed on the wooden door and it creaked as it opened. Inside, the castle was gray and murky, an odd shaped sculpture with cobwebs all over it, sat next to the stairway which led to a fate worst than death. Walter followed the stairway not knowing who or what was up there. He finally made it up the steps and went into a huge attic space with wooden floors and the sun was beaming through the punctured roof. Walter looked around and saw nothing, but just as he was going to leave, a shadowy figure moved in the corner.
Walter: Who’s there?
The figure moved closer and closer until you could see him in the dim light. He looked as if he was holding knives in his hands, which made Walter flinch. The mysterious figure wore an all black body suit and had scissors for hands.
Walter: (nervously) You stay away from me, you here?
Walter tried to call for help but no one could hear him.
Edward Scissorhands: I’m not going to hurt you.
Walter: Who are you?
Edward Scissorhands: I’m Edward.
Walter: Why do you have scissors for hands?
Edward Scissorhands: He didn’t finish.
Walter: Who didn’t finish? You know, I didn’t come here to talk to a freak of nature, okay? So I guess I’ll be leaving now.
Edward Scissorhands: I’m not a freak.
Walter: Yes you are. You don’t see me walking around with knives for hands.
Edward Scissorhands: They’re scissors.
Just then, a strawberry blond beauty entered the room, resembling Winona Ryder.
Kim Boggs: Edward, there you are. I was looking all over for y—
She noticed Walter standing off to the side.
Kim: Who are you?
Walter: My name is Walter Meeney.
Kim: Walter Meeney? You’re not the same Walter Meeney who stole Shirley Feeney away from Carmine.
Walter: Yes, I am…but how do you know?
Kim: Because I saw you.
Walter: You’re probably talking about another Shirley Feeney because she’s never mentioned you before.
Kim: Isn’t her best friend Laverne DeFazio?
Walter: (confused) Yes, but it’s impossible.
Kim: I loved those two bottle cappers! And when they moved to California and worked as gift wrappers, I was ecstatic. But then you came along and ruined it all! You took Shirley away from the one man who she loved the most.
Kim began hitting Walter repeatedly until he finally struck her across her face, which knocked her down. This display of anger made Edward furious and bloodthirsty. He came at Walter with his scissors.
Walter: What do you think you’re doing?
Edward stopped and glanced over at Kim who was still on the floor. His conscience was taking over.
Kim: Edward, do it. Kill the bastard who took away Shirley. (brief pause) Do it for me, Edward.
Edward immediately raised up his sharp blades and approached Walter with caution.
Walter: You’re crazy.
With that last remark, Edward pierced his blades into Walter’s stomach and kicked him, which caused the blades to be removed. Then Walter lost his balance and fell out the window. A fate that Kim’s last boyfriend endured. Kim slowly got up and moved to the window. Edward did the same. From the top of the tower, looking down at Walter splattered on the ground, Kim took Edward in her arms and embraced him.
Scene 5
INT. Restaurant – night
The candles were lit and the old flame was sparking for Carmine and Shirley who were both sitting at a table near a window in the restaurant.
Shirley: You know, Carmine, I thought that returning home was a good idea, but I was wrong. (brief pause) It was a great idea.
Carmine: I missed you, Angel Face.
Shirley: I missed being called Angel Face.
Carmine took her hand, pulled it towards him, and kissed it gently. The waiter stopped at their table.
Waiter: More wine, sir?
Carmine: Yes.
The waiter poured the wine and left the table.
Shirley: Carmine, thinking back on us, getting married to Walter was my biggest mistake. I should have married you when I had the chance. I would have been a whole lot happier.
Carmine: And since you were married, I’ve been dating a lot of girls and none of them made me happy the way you have. I have really missed you. I’ve missed times like this where I could hold your hand and look into your beautiful blues and tell you… (brief pause)
Shirley: Tell me what, Carmine?
Carmine: Tell you that I’m in love with you…dangerously.
Shirley: Carmine, I love you too. That’s why I came back to California. I was hoping to hear you say those 5 words to me again and mean it.
Carmine: Uh, waiter! Check please!
Scene 6
INT. Mortuary
The morticians placed Walter in a box for fitting before being worked on. He was very cold from being in a freezer for 2 days. The morticians exited the room to get a pillow. While they were gone, there was movement in the casket. Walter opened his eyes and lifted his head.
Walter: What am I doing here?
He climbed out of the box and left the mortuary.
EXT. The Mortuary
Walter struggled to find his car but failed. He decided to a take the Jaguar with the Union Jack on the front. He hopped in and because the key was still in the ignition, he started her up.
Walter: Purrs like a kitten!
Just as he was pulling out of the parking lot, a gigantic sized atomic warhead came at him and blue up the car.
INT. Dr. Evil’s Volcano Lair
Dr. Evil: I got you, Powers! Now I can rule the world!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
Austin appeared behind him.
Austin Powers: Not this time, Dr. Evil!
Dr. Evil: (sarcasm) Oh, I’m really scared.
Austin: You’re going to die, Dr. Evil!
Dr. Evil: Wait, Austin…I’m not really Dr. Evil.
He pulled off a mask which showed that he was actually Adam West.
Adam West: As you can see, I’m not really Dr. Evil. I just played him in this scene. I’m here to tell you about classic TV like Laverne and Shirley, I Love Lucy and of course Batman.
Austin: Give it up! You’re one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen, aren’t you?
Adam West: Well…
Austin: Where’s Dr. Evil hiding?
Adam West: I already told you, I’m an actor. I don’t know.
Austin: Tell me where he’s hiding or I’ll kill you!
Adam West: I’m only here to tell you about Classic TV. I don’t know where your friend is.
Austin: That’s it!
Austin judo chopped Adam West in the back on the neck causing him to fall on the floor bearing him unconscious.
Austin looked into the camera.
Austin: That man is really annoying!
EXT. Parking Lot of the Mortuary
The flames were high and Walter was nowhere to be seen…Could he in fact be dead? As the fire department made their way to the fire, Walter became dust…So we believe.
Meanwhile, Shirley and Carmine were at the apartment deciding on the floral arrangements for their wedding that following Spring. Shirley had never heard from Walter again. There were rumors that he joined the circus as the mummy clown.
The Golden Girls are still living in Miami, but Dorothy still has to put up with another yutz…Stanley!
David Spade and Blanche’s relationship didn’t last long because he couldn’t keep up with her.
Kim Boggs never saw Edward after that fateful day. She wanted Edward to remember her the way she was.
Austin didn’t really kill Adam West. He is fine and still doing those TVLand commercials.
Dr. Evil is getting ready to reappear this summer in theatres!!