The Squignowski Take-Over By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster Scene 1 - Somewhere in the Bronx Laverne invited Shirley to another one of her family reunions that consisted of a street festival, honoring the Italians. Lenny and Squiggy just happened to tag along. The two boys wandered the streets aimlessly wearing shirts with little kangaroos on them. They passed by a bum lying on the sidewalk with a newspaper over his face. Squiggy lifted it off of him, and read the front page, "Looking to hire new writers for soap." Squiggy: [laughing] Now why would a bar of soap need to learn to write? Lenny: Now, if we found this bar of soap, we could book him on Ed Sullivan. Squiggy: No, Lenny. What I think we should do is meet this bar of soap and sign him with the Squignowski Talent Agency of Burbank. That way we could get him put on Ed Sullivan. Lenny: [smiling] Hey, that's a good idea, Squig! Squiggy: I know. [looks at the paper] It says here, we gotta get to 56 West 66th Street. [pulls Lenny] Don't just stand there! Come on! Scene 2 - 56 West 66th Street "One Life to Live" ABC Studios Frank Valentini, the executive producer of "One Life to Live" was sitting at his desk, all in a frenzy over the fans getting writers, Michael Malone and Josh Griffith fired. Frank Valentini: What's wrong with these fans? Don't they know good writing when they see it? I thought we were doing so well. Michael, he's a genius, and Josh... Stage Manager: Frank, there's a slight problem in wardrobe. Frank: What could possibly be worse than two gods being fired? Stage Manager: It's Kassie [DePaiva]... Frank: Is she quitting? Stage Manager: No. Frank: [clasping his hands together in prayer] Thank God. She's what's keeping this show together. Stage Manager: Kassie wants a bigger engagement ring. She said it has to be bigger than Viki's and Gabrielle's. Frank: Send someone to Tiffany's...on my dime. I can't have Kassie mad. Stage Manager: Ok. Frank: [putting his head down on his desk] What a big ugly mess. Lenny and Squiggy walked in. Squiggy: Hello! Frank: Who the hell are you? Squiggy: I am Andrew Squiggman and this is Leonard Kosnowski and we are Squignowski Talent Agency... Lenny: [flashing a big smile]...of Burbank! Frank: Why are you here? Lenny: We're here to save your soap. Frank: Don't tell me you're the new writers. Squiggy: Very well, we won't tell you. Frank Valentini started to weep. Lenny: Do you need a tissue? [digs into his pockets, but pulls out an old piece of cheese] Will this do? Frank: Get that fermented thing away from me! Squiggy: I never saw a grown man cry so much. Frank: Get out of here! I need to be left alone. Squiggy: Where's your bathroom? Frank: Go down the hall and someone will show you to your office. [sniffles] Squiggy: [laughs] Hey, Lenny, he called the bathroom an office. They both laughed as they exited out the door. Scene 3 - Hallway (Dressing Rooms) Lenny and Squiggy were on a search for the bar of soap. Bree Williamson, the blonde Canadian, (Jessica) was inside her dressing room going over her lines. Bree: [reading from her script] "Professor Haver is innocent and you know it." [softly reads over Viki's line] "But sweetheart, the professor has been arrested. He tried to kill your sister." [reads "Jessica's" lines, again] "No, mom. It's not possible." [Viki's line is read] "John found evidence." ["Jessica's" line] "That doesn't prove anything." [Viki's line] "Jessica, he was caught red-handed." ["Jessica's" line] "How can that be? [looking up from her script with frustration] Ugh! Could my character be more stupid? Squiggy was outside her door. Squiggy:Pardon ma, but did you say that you feel stupid? Lenny: [stepping through the door and joining in] We understand how you feel. We've been called stupid lots of times. Bree: I didn't say I was stupid. It's just my character. Squiggy: Let Squignowski Talent Agency help you in your need...of help. Bree: Who are you guys? Squiggy: I'm Andrew Squiggman...the "Squig" in Squignowski. Lenny: And I'm Leonard Kosnowski...the "nowski." Squiggy: We're here to write for soap. Bree: Oh, I see. [beat] I'd hate to have to ask this on your first day, but do you think you could have my script changed? Squiggy: Sure. Why not? We're agents. Scene 4 - Dress Rehearsal Bree walked up to Lenny and Squiggy with a friendly smile. Bree: I don't know how to thank you. Squiggy: No need to thank us. Lenny: Anything to help a lonely bar of soap. Bree: [smiling and going along with it] Right. Everyone was hurrying around trying to get to their right places for their scenes. [Scene: Cramer House] Kassie DePaiva: Does anyone know where I'm supposed to be? Kristen Alderson: I hope Eddie [Alderson] remembers his lines this time. Robin Strasser: For God's sake where is the make-up artist? Squiggy: Alright, now. Shut up! Kassie: And who might you be? Squiggy: I'm here to save the soap. Now, shut up. You women talk too much. Kassie: Oh, Lord! You're the new writers? Squiggy: You're quicker than I thought. [looks at Lenny standing next to him] Go sit down, Lenny. I'll call ya if I need ya. [to the three actresses] Now, when I say action, I want you girls go over to that bucket of mud and get as dirty as you can. Robin: What's the significance of all this? Kassie: Robin, I'm the star. Let me take care of this. [to Squiggy] What are you doing? Squiggy: I'm directing this scene and you're wrestling in mud. Kassie: [scoffs] I don't think so. Where's Frankie? Squiggy: Who, Valentino? [laughs] The last I saw that old coot, he was crying in a piece of cheese. Lenny: [laugh] Yeah, what a baby. Kassie: Listen, I'm not going to degrade myself for the sake of your sick fantasy. Squiggy: You don't gotta get naked. Just roll around in the mud for a while. Kassie: [under her breath] Moron. Squiggy: For your information, I'm Lutheran. Kassie: [yelling] I quit! I have had enough of this egotistical macho crap you're shoveling. Squiggy: And I'm sick of you! Kassie: Speak for yourself. Squiggy: I think I just did. Kassie: [irritated] UGH! You...you... Squiggy: Ha! Is that the best you can do? Kassie: [gritting her teeth] You haven't heard the last of me. Squiggy: Is that supposed to make us feel better? Kassie rolled her eyes and pushed her way through Squiggy and Robin Strasser. Robin: Well--I read that mud is good for the pores. Robin started bathing herself in mud. Kristen did the same. Squiggy: I didn't say "action." Besides, the hog already left. Scene 5 - Frank Valentini's Office Frank sat in his chair drumming his fingers on his desk, nervously. Frank: What is happening to this industry we call "show biz?" One minute, you have everything you want, the next, it's gone. Hillary B. Smith: Frank, is there any way you could put me first in the opening credits? And could it be next to Woodsie? Frank: Whatever you say. Hillary: Also, could I get a pay raise? Frank: Kassie's gone, so why not? You can have her parking place, too. Hillary: No. I think I'm satisfied with Fiona's [Hutchison] old spot. Frank shrugged, and motioned for Hillary to leave. Hillary: Are you ok? Frank: [sarcasm] Oh yeah. The president of ABC daytime just quit a few hours ago. Why wouldn't I be ok? [knocks his head on the desk several times] What else could make this day more perfect? [his head lands on the desk with a thud] Hillary exits. Security man: Excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid you will have to leave the primises. Frank: [lifts his head halfway] But this is my office. Security man: "Was," sir. Frank: Don't tell me Dumb and Dumber have struck again. Who have they got to take my place? John Viscardi: Hi. [to the security man] I put my stuff in Fi's dressing room until he leaves. Security man: No problem, sir. Mr. Valentini should be out of here in 10 minutes. Frank: No. How could you be the new executive producer? [Back track: Lenny and Squiggy in Bo's office] Squiggy: Look at this dump. Ya got pictures all over the walls and none of them's criminals. [notices Bo and Gabrielle's picture on the desk] Hey, Len. Looks like we found ourself a new star. Ain't she something? Lenny bit the palm of his hand. Squiggy: But who is she? Bree walked in wearing a smile. Bree: I want to thank you guys, again, for making Jessica less of a ditz. She aboot got on my last nerve. [turns to leave] Squiggy: Come back here. [holds the picture up] Who's this gorgeous specimen? [points to Gabrielle] Bree: That's Fiona Hutchison. She was fired last year. Lenny: You're kidding. She's beautiful. Squiggy: I want her. What's her number? Bree: Her home number is 555-4227, or you could try her cell phone, and that's 555-3434. Do you need anything else? Squiggy: How about your number? Bree: [laughs] 555-2733. Squiggy: We better call her. [to Lenny] Come, Lenny. [Frank's soon-to-be ex-office] Frank: This is ludicrous. Security man: Excuse me, you now have 7 minutes. Frank tried to get out of his chair to cause a big ugly scene, but he couldn't. Security man: Is there a problem? Frank: No. Just give me some alone time. Security man: Ok, but I expect you out of here in 5 minutes. When the security man turned around, Frank Valentini gave him the middle finger. Frank: Those stupid little good-for-nothing trolls! John: Something wrong? Frank: Those bastards glued my ass to my chair! And what are you still doing here? John: This is my office now. Frank: Not for another 3 minutes. But now that I have you in here, I'd like to say, I never liked you. John: [a little sarcasm] Aw, that hurt. The door opened and Squiggy popped his head in. Squiggy: Hey, Valentino, [smirking] what's the matter? Are ya glued to your desk? [laughs] Lenny: [whispering] I thought he got glued to his chair. Squiggy: Shut up, Len. The security man returned to the room, picked up the chair, and rolled Frank Valentini out into the New York City traffic. Fiona Hutchison went to John's new office with a bottle of champagne. Fiona: Did he leave already? Squiggy: Yes, my sweet dove of gorgeousness. How about we retire to our love quarters. Fiona: As tempting as that sounds, I think I'll be ok here, celebrating with my husband, privately. Squiggy: What's he got that I ain't got? Fiona: A big executive's desk. [they close the door and giggle to themselves] Squiggy: [scoffs] Who needs a desk? It don't even gotta chair. Bree came out of her dressing room and walked towards them, down the hall. Bree: Mr. Squiggman... Squiggy: Please. Call me, Squiggy. Bree: Is that your name? Squiggy Squiggman? Squiggy: Really, it's Andrew. Lenny: Actually, it means " a baby pig's tail." Squiggy: Shut up, Leonard! Would you like me to tell her what your name means? Lenny ran down the hall in a tizzy. Bree: I need to talk to you aboot next week's script. Squiggy: [devilish smile] Step into my office. [as the door closed behind them] Do you like big desks? Five seconds later... Bree came out of Squiggy's office in her hair out of place, and the shoulder of her sleeve lowered halfway. Bree: I don't know who you think you are, Squiggy Squiggman, but we just don't do that sort of thing in Canada! She went back to her dressing room and slammed the door. Squiggy: That's Andrew Squiggman to you, missy! And, for your information, this is America, baby! Scene 6 - Six months later Lenny and Squiggy were wandering the halls, hoping that they'd catch a glimpse of a nude british actress they hired back nearly a year ago. Instead, they heard a "pop" coming from John Viscardi's office. They stood at the door, as they watched Fiona Hutchison pour two glasses of champagne. John: [noticing the fellas] Hey you guys! Come on in here. Now, I'm going to let my extremely gorgeous wife pour you guys some champagne so that I can propose a toast. Lenny: No thanks. We already had breakfast. John: [laughs] You guys are too much. Fiona handed Lenny and Squiggy their glasses. Squiggy: Ha, ha! I'm no Squigglet. Put some more in there. [Fiona did as he asked] John: I'd like to propose a toast. [he and Fiona hold up their glasses, and Lenny and Squiggy don't] Fiona: Ehem! Lenny: What's a matter there? Did you swallow a bug? Squiggy: I hope it wasn't a moth. Fiona: No, I didn't. Please, hold up your glasses for the toast. Squiggy: But we already told ya that we ate breakfast. John: It's ok, Fi-Fi. This is a happy occasion. I just received a letter from the Neilson's... Squiggy: Any relation to Ricky Nelson? Fiona: He said "Neilson" you half-wit! Squiggy: Well, excuse me, your majesty. John: Hey, that's enough. Let me finish. "One Life to Live" has reached it's highest...4.7 on the Neilson scales. The whole room cheered and jumped up and down giddily. Squiggy: Why are we so happy? John: The ratings are up, buddy! Robert S. Woods walked past and peaked inside. Robert: [grinning] What's the celebration? John: The ratings for the show are the highest they've ever been. Robert: That's great! I guess the wedding for Bo and Gabrielle really brought in the viewers. Fiona: [modestly] Oh, Bobby. Squiggy: Nah! I think it was when we had Nora run over by a train, on account of her kid was on top of it before it crashed into some rocks. Lenny: No, Squig. I think it was because we had John and Antonio sent to the electric chair for the murders of Jessica, Natalie, Marcie, Jen, Reiley, Kevin, Kelly, and Kathryn. Squiggy: Ha, ha! Those bozos had it coming to them, too. John: But we brought back Al, Max, Tina, Cord, Alex and Father Tony. [John grins at Fiona] So, what are we going to do for ratings next week? Squiggy: I say we bring back Blair and run her over with my beer truck. Robert: I think we should stick with our original plan. Bo grieves for Matthew a little bit more, and then Gabrielle sits him down and tells him she's pregnant. John: Good plan! Lenny and Squiggy, you go write the scripts. I'm going to get on the phone with the FCC about how far we can go with Bo and Gabrielle's shower scenes, set for next week's schedule. Lenny and Squiggy went back to their office. John: Bob, I want you and Fiona to rehearse for today's taping. Fiona and Robert leave. John: Hmm. I'll have to talk to the FCC about today's scenes, too. [picks up the phone, dials] Hey, this is John Viscardi, calling [...] How do you feel about this scene? Gabrielle is about to have the most romantic evening with Bo, and she's wearing only a trench coat. Are you following me? [...] Good. [beat] Gabrielle realizes that she left the campagne in her car, so she goes out, but when she shuts the door, her coat is caught in the door. She tries to unlock the door, but can't. [laughs] She's left her keys in the apartment... [...] What do you mean 'who came up with this stuff?' Our writers did, of course. [...] Please, let me continue. So, Gabrielle is sitting there wearing only that long coat for a couple of hours while Bo is at work. She gets real thirsty, so Gabrielle crawls out of her coat and runs to her car. [...] What do you mean 'stop?' This is pretty damn good if you ask me. [beat] Hey, what was that beeping sound? [...] I don't believe it. You censored me on the phone to you? [scoffs] Just for that, we're going through with that scene. And have a damn good day! [hangs up the phone] I love this job. John sat back at his chair and smiled. Six months later, John and Fiona popped the champagne cork once more in celebration of their one year anniversary taking charge of "One Life to Live's" reigns. The ratings had gone up more, tying them with "The Young and the Restless," with a 6.8. Lenny and Squiggy continued writing non-FCC regulated material, that boosted their ratings to number one. That next month, Lenny and Squiggy ran into a woman writer on the street and invited her to "One Life to Live," and she was written into the show as well; her name was Staci Greason. Her character was written as Gabrielle's best friend from Argentina, Isabella Gozella. The show continued to stay number one with the Viscardi clan in charge of it all. The End
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