OPENING SCENE [SCENE ONE]
[LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S BEDROOM]
Laverne's alarm clock goes off and she instantly wakes up. She stretches and yawns and pulls back the covers. Laverne looks over at Shirley, who is still asleep. She gets out of bed and walks over to shirley who is snuggled next to Boo Boo Kitty.
Laverne: Shirl. It's time to get up for work now.(Shirley doesn't move;Laverne taps her)Come on Shirl. It's time to get up.(She's still asleep. Laverne shakes her, hits her, and kicks her. Still no response.)Come on Shirl. We can't be late. He'll dock us our pay and lord knows we can't afford that.(Laverne leans over and turns on the radio.)[SURFIN' SAFARI PLAYS](Shirley wakes up, yawns, yawns and stretches, grabs Boo Boo Kitty, and goes into the bathroom.
**********************************************************
[SCENE TWO]
[LAVERNE'S IN THE KITCHEN FIXING HER RICE CRISPIES]
Laverne: Hey Shirl, come on out here. I fixed you some Rice Crispies and they're awfully loud.
(Shirley walks out of the bedroom, goes into the kitchen, and sits down at the table.
Laverne:(Sitting down with an issue of "TRUE CONFESSIONS" in her hand.) Hey Shirl, did you read this article about the stripper from New York? It says,"I was sitting in my dressing room and a tall handsome man walked in and had me..."
Shirley:(takes the article away from Laverne who is drooling)How can you read this filth?
Laverne:(Shrugs)It's fun.(She gets up)
Shirley: Ah-choo!(she sneezed all over Laverne's article)
Laverne: Shirl, you could have closed the book first. (takes the issue and opens it up to the page. [In a nasal whine]) Oh look, you sneezed on the best parts. Now I'm going to have to get another...
Shirley: Ah-ah-ah-Chooo!!! Ah-choo!
Laverne: Hey Shirl, are you feeling okay?
Shirley: No. (crying) I feel horrible. (puts her head on the table)
Laverne: Don't cry, Shirl. (pats her gently on the back) Listen, I'll cover for you at work today. You just lie down on the couch there and get plenty of rest. (she gets Shirley up and puts her on the couch) Here you go. (fixes a pillow on the couch) I'll see you when I get home.
Laverne grabbed her purse from off the table and went out the door.
**********************************************************
SCENE 3[SHOTZ LUNCH ROOM]
(Laverne is sitting down eatting her lunch[Scooter Pie on tuna fish] when Lenny and Squiggy walked in.
Squiggy:(standing next to her) Hello, Laverne.
Laverne: Hi, Squig. Could stand over there? I'm tryin' to eat.
Squiggy:(standing away)Laverne. I would like to introduce to you our new invention called the "PEST-O-SPRAY." Lenny here will demonstrate.
Lenny:(with a can of spray in his hands) All you do is spray it near anyone that you want gone.(looks at Squiggy and whispers to him)Who should I spray it at?
(Squiggy looks around the room and points to Mr.Shotz picture on the wall.)
Lenny:(sprays and then holds up the can for display) Presto. Your Pesto is gone.
Laverne: I hate to break it to you guys but, he's NOT gone.
Lenny:(to Squiggy)I told you we should have used cooking grease. But you had to instist on using your magical hair grease.
Squiggy: I already told you...(annoucement interrupts)
Man: Attention all Shotz employees. Shotz Brewery is saying farewell to Mr. Max Shotz. He is going to persue his life long dream and work for the CIA. We will all miss you, Mr.Shotz.(speaker goes off)
Squiggy:(stunned) It worked. Lenny, we'll become millionaires and live in a sand castle.(looks around) Come. Let's not let the whole world know our secret.(Lenny and Sguiggy rush out the door)
SCENE 4[LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT;LIVING ROOM]
(Shirley is lying down on the couch clutching Boo Boo Kitty and Carmine is in the kitchen fixing their dinner. Laverne walks through the door.)
Laverne:(panting)Shirl, you'll never guess what happened today.
P>Shirley: Laverne, where you racing Terry Buttafucco again?Laverne:(trying to catch her breath)No.
Carmine:(coming from behind the counter wearing Laverne's apron)Okay girls, you'll dinner is ready.
Laverne: I'm not going to eat till I get out what needs to be said.
Shirley: All right. What is it La-ah-ah-choo-verne.
Laverne: Mr. Shotz has...(the front door burst open and Lenny and Squiggy barged in.)
Squiggy: Isn't it terrible about Mr. Shotz leaving?! I mean, he was like a father to us.
Lenny: That's true. He yelled at us and told us wewereno good stupid truck drivers.
Squiggy: We were his favorites.
Shirley: Mr. Shotz left?
Squiggy: He left too?! When will this madness end?! (puts his head on Lenny's shoulder)
Shirley: Where did he go?
Laverne: He works for the CIA.
Shirley: Have we lost our jobs? Ah-Choo!(grabs a tissue)
Laverne: I don't know.(Shirley blew her nose) I guess we'll find out Monday.
Squiggy:(getting close to Shirley) Don't cry, Shirl. Just think, you could become Mrs. Shirley Squiggman and live off the tomatos that we'll grow in our bathtub together.
Shirley: (high pitch) Get him away from me.
Laverne and Carmine look at them and back theminto the door.Squiggy: All right, We'll go! But don't come crying to us when you need tomatos!(looks at Lenny)Come Len. let's get the tomato pie ready.
Lenny: Okay, but I get to put the ketchup on top.
They exit out the door.
Shirley: That's disgusting.
Laverne: I don't know, Shirl. It might be good.
Shirley: You'll never cease to amaze me, Laverne.
Carmine: Come on, girls. I've kept it hot long enough.
(The girls get up, go to the table, and sit down.)
**********************************************************
TWO DAYS LATER
SCENE 5 [SHOTZ BREWERY] (CAPPING LINE)
Announcement: Attention. Will Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney please report to the break room immediately.
[LUNCH ROOM]
Shirley:(pushing open the door)I wonder what he wants to talk to us about.(shuts the door)
Laverne:(looks at the wall)Hey look, Shirl. Mr. Shotz picture ain't there no more. Remember when I squirt ketchup all over his face?
Shirley: Yeah.
Man:(over the speaker box)Hello, girls.
Laverne and Shirley: Hello.
Man: Are you alone?
Shirley:(checks out the door and then closes it)Yes.
Man: Well girls, since you were Mr. Shotz favorites, I want you two to be the first to meet your new boss.
Shirley:(smiling) Well sir, let me just say that we are flattered. To THINK out of everyone here, you chose us. Let me be the first to say thank you and...
Laverne:(putting her hand over Shirley's mouth)Excuse my friend Shirley here. She likes to talk and babble on.
Shirley:(releasing herself from Laverne)I do NOT babble on, Laverne!
Laverne: You do too babble.
Laverne and Shirley argue.
Man: Girls. Lis...Girls I...GIRLS!!!!
Laverne:(with her hand over Shirley's mouth)Yes?
Man: Let me introduce you to...(Shirley bites Laverne's hand)
Laverne: OUCH! You're going to have a swollen lip, Shirl.
They start girlie slapping each other.
Dr. Evil: Hello. My name is Dr.Evil.
Shirley:(smiling and stepping forward)Oh, so your a doctor.
Dr. Evil: Yes...an evil doctor.(Shirley steps back)
Laverne: Say, uh, evil doctor.
Dr. Evil: Dr. Evil.
Laverne: Ya, whatever. Why are you taking over for Mr. Shotz?
Dr. Evil: Because I had him liquidated and fed t ill-tempered mutated sea bass, you bimbo.
Laverne:(stepping forward and clinching her fist) Bimbo?!
Dr. Evil: Do I hear an echo? Yes, bimbo.
Shirley:(holding back Laverne) Excuse me sir.
Dr. Evil: It's DOCTOR! I didn't go to evil medical school to be called sir or mister!
Shirley: Oh yes doctor and forgive me for making that mistake but how could someone be liquidated and then eaten?
Dr. Evil: All right! His head was severed by a mutated sea bass and then I had him liquidated! Whoo-hahaha!
Laverne and Shirley looked at each other in fear.
**********************************************************
SCENE 6[GIRLS APARTMENT]
(SHIRLEY' S ON THE COUCH WITH BOO BOO KITTY IN HER ARMS)
Shirley:(crying in a high pitch voice)HOW COULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN? I mean he wasn't the most pleasant man but he WAS our boss for so many years. higher pitch)HOW COULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN?
Laverne: Shirl. You've been asking that same question for the past half-hour.(sitting down at the kitchen table with her milk and pepsi)That high pitch voice of yours ain't helpin' me neither. Your going to give me a case of the monkey nerves.
Shirley:(getting up from the couch and sitting at the kitchen table with Laverne)Oh, I'm sorry, Laverne. I've just had a rough day. And if my crying gets to you, well then, I'll stop.
Laverne: It's not the crying that gets to me...it's whole other octave, your high pitch squeal. It's just like finger nails on a chalkboard.
Carmine Knocks.
Shirley: Come in Carmine.Carmine: (he opens the door) Hey, girls.(closes the door) I got your mail. (looks at Shirley the table with a depressing look on her face)Hey, Angel Face, What's the matter?
Laverne: She's still upset about Mr. Shotz.
Shirley:(crying) WHY?
Carmine: Maybe I should come back later.
Laverne: I think so.(Laverne walked Carmine to the door)Thanks a lot for bringin' the mail.Carmine: Tell Shirl, if you want to, she can go with me to see "The Monster That Destroyed Perto Rico."
Laverne:(excited;puts her hands like binoculars to her eyes) In Zoo-Loo Vision?Carmine: Yeah. It's supposed to be good. Bye, Laverne. (looks over at Shirley) Bye, Angel Face. (Carmine leaves)
Shirley: Honestly, Laverne. I don't know how that man sleeps at night.
Laverne:(turns around to Shirley who had moved to the couch)That sounded like a fun offer.
Shirley: Do you want to go to the movies with Carmine?
Laverne:(smiling) Well...yeah.
Shirley:(getting up from the couch and standing)Well that's just not going to happen, sister. And do you know why?
Laverne: I'm not allowed to touch Carmine?
Shirley: No. Because Shirley W. Feeney is no quitter.
Laverne: Remember the time the baseball hit you in the face because you had your eyes closed and everyone called you girlie Shirley?
Shirley: Don't interrupt me, Laverne. Besides, a baseball in the face isn't going to stop me from dreaming.(moves around the room) I am going to go with Carmine. Tragedies will come and go, but dreams will live on forever.(turns to Laverne) Someday, Laverne, I'll meet a rich doctor, get married, live in a 3 story split colonial, have 3 children, and a dog named Dave. (turns to the window) I may even become a nurse and work along side my husband.
Laverne: There goes the balloon again.
Shirley: Better yet! I'll BECOME a doctor!
Laverne: That balloon is high and gone.
Shirley: I'm going to call Carmine.(looks at Laverne) Maybe I can talk him into dinner too.
Laverne: But what about me? We have no food her Shirl.
Shirley: I don't know Laverne, maybe prince charming will come walzing through that door.
Squiggy: Hell-o.(pause)How are you lovely ladies?
Shirley: What do you want?
Squiggy: I want to know if any of you girls would care to accompany Lenny and I to the circus.
Laverne: I would. Just let me get ready.(Laverne ran into the bedroom)
Squiggy: Hurry. I don't want to miss the monkey's when they take their bath.
Shirley picks up the phone and calls Carmine and Squiggy watches.
Shirley:(low sweet voice)Hello, Carmine. I was wondering if you'd come over here and...(looks at Squiggy, who is listening)Just one momment, Carmine.(covers the phone) Do you mind? This is a private conversation.
Squiggy: I'll jut sit on your sofa there.
Shirley:(grabs him) OH NO YOU DON'T!
Squiggy: Why not? I'm house broken.
Shirley: NO!
Squiggy: Shirl, why don't I forget the circus thing (puts his arm around her) and us too can have our own fun in the bedroom.
Shirley:(pushes him away with disgust)You make me sick! Get out!(she turns towards the bedroom) LAVERNE! (looks at Squiggy) You are a disgusting little man.
Squiggy: Maybe so, maybe so. But I am a dis-englished (distinguished) little man.
Laverne: (coming out of the bedroom) I'm ready to go. Just let me grab my purse and my coat. (she went into the closet)Squiggy:(pointing his finger to Shirley)One day, WOMAN! You are going to have my babies! And when you do, may they be born with clothes on!!(He slams the door)
Shirley:(high pitch)WHY, WHY, WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT?
Laverne:(shrugs)I'll be seein' ya, Shirl.(Laverne leaves)
Shirley: (sees phone in her hand) CARMINE! (puts phone to her ear) Hello? Hello?
Carmine:(behind her) Hi Angel Face.
Shirley: Oh Carmine I'm sorry...
Carmine: Are you going to see a movie with me?
Shirley: Well, yes, actually...
Carmine:(grabs her) Let's go!
Shirley:(surprised and shocked) Carmine!
SCENE SEVEN[LATER THAT NIGHT AT LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT]
[DARK APARTMENT]
Shirley opens the door and turns on the light.
Shirley:(turns to Carmine)I had a lovely time.
Carmine:(puts his hand on hers)Me too Shirl. I liked the part where the monster grabbed the Perto Rican and...(She kisses him gently)
Shirley: Do you want to come in?
Carmine: Are we alone?
Shirley: Let me check.(She looked in the bedroom at Laverne's un-made bed.)Yes, darling. (turns to Carmine) I wonder where she could be? I hope Lenny and Squiggy didn't get their heads stuck in the gorilla cage again.
Carmine:(laughs)Yeah, it look them five hours to pry the bars apart. Lenny had a stiff neck for a week and Squiggy had a sore nose. Remember?(laughs)The gorilla thought it was a banana.
Shirley: Carmine, sweetheart. I don't want to talk about them anymore.
Carmine: Okay.
Shirley:(getting closer to him) I don't want to talk at all, big fella. (she shimmies herself closer, wraps her arms around Carmine, and kisses him.)
Carmine: Come on, Shirl. Let's sit on the couch and make-out.
Shirley: No, no, no, Carmine. Not until you take a cold shower.(kisses him gently)Remember...
Carmine and Shirley: Clean body, clean mind.
Carmine: I know Shirl. I'll go upstairs and...
Shirley: No, no, Carmine. You can use our shower.
Carmine: I can use your shower.(boyish laugh)
He went into the bathroom and you could hear the shower running.
Shirley:(shouting to Carmine)I'm going to change into something more comfortable, sweetheart! (goes into the bedroom)
Carmine: All right Angel Face!(singing)"You know I'd go from rags to riches!..."
[15 MINUTES LATER]
Shirley comes out of the bedroom, turns down the lights, and puts on a record. ["ONLY YOU" PLAYS] Shirley gets on the couch, leans back seductively,and crosses her legs,right over left.
Shirley: I'm ready anytime you are, Carmine.
Carmine:(from in the bathroom)One second, Angel Face!
There was a knock at the door.
Shirley:(she looks up and folds her hands in prayer) Oh, please God, let it be just the wind.(she hears another knock) Not tonight. It's a BIG night. THE night.(she gets up, answers, turns on the lights, and answers the door.)
Fonzie: Hey Shirley. Is Laverne at home? I must speak to her pronto. Dig? Shirley: Well, Fonz, she's not here right now. She went to the circus with Lenny and Squiggy.
Fonzie: Well then, you tell her to wait by the phone. (checks out Shirley) Nice outfit. Woah!(Fonzie leaves)
Shirley turns the lights down again and gets into the same position.
Carmine:(running out of the bathroom wearing Laverne's pink fluffy bathrobe with pink fuzzy slippers)Your Pookie Bear is here.(looks at Shirley)Wow, you look nice.
Shirley: Come here and sit next to me, angel body.
Carmine: Okay.(he sits down)Shirley, I'm glad we have this time together.
Shirley: Me too.(gets comfortable and leans back) Sailor boy, show mama what you got!(They kiss each other and lean futher down into the couch.)
Carmine: Anchors away!
Laverne:(turning on the lights)I'm home.
Shirley pushes Carmine off of her.
Shirley:(sweetly) Laverne. Your home. Did you have fun?
Laverne opens up the closet to put away her Coat and purse.
Laverne:(laughs)Not as much fun as you were havin' when I walked in here.(closes the closet)I'll just go into the bedroom and leave you two alone.
Shirley: That's a good idea, Laverne.(she leaves) I'm sorry, Carmine.
Carmine: That's all right, Shirl.(steps toward the door) I'll just go back upstairs and take another cold shower.(looks up)Why does it always happen to me?(he leaves)
Shirley goes into the bedroom.
**********************************************************
SCENE 8[SHOTZ LUNCHROOM]
Laverne and Shirley are sitting at their table eating their lunch.
Shirley: Laverne, did you hear about the bug that was found swimming around in the vats this morning?
Laverne: Shirl, I'm trying to eat here.
Shirley: It just goes to show, that you don't know what disgusting things lurk around here.
Squiggy:(opening the door)Hell-o.(Lenny followed close behind) Hello girls. Greetings and saladations.
Shirley: Squiggy, please...
Squiggy: No need to beg my dumpling. We'll eat lunch with you.
Lenny and Squiggy sat down at the table. A man comes in wearing a Shotz T-Shirt and a red hat with a tasil.
Mustafa: Hello. I am Mustafa. Dr. Evil has sent me here to tell you to get back to work.
Laverne:(getting up out of her chair and rolling up her sleeves) Well I'd like to tell him a few things.
Shirley: Laverne.(holds her back)Sit down.(Laverne sits back down in her chair; Shirley looks at Mustafa and says sweetly)Mufasa.
Mustafa: That's Mustafa.
Shirley:(sweetly)Well you see Mustafa, we need our break. Because for eight hours, we stand on our feet everyday and cap bottles. A half hour a day is all we have to rest. It's the law.
Laverne: Yeah, she should know. She reads books.
Speaker comes on.
Dr. Evil: Testing, hello.
Squiggy: Hell-o!
Dr. Evil: To whom am I speaking?
Squiggy: Andrew Squiggman's the name and truck driving is my game.
Lenny: Mine, too. Except it don't come with no dice or nothin'. We just deliver beer. I do like monoploy though.
Dr. Evil: Shut up, you morons and get back to work! (brief pause) Now!! (everyone gets up and runs to the door) Wait! Except for Lucy and Ethel.
Laverne: That's Laverne and Shirley.
Dr. Evil: Well, I love Lucy.
Laverne: Well, good for you.
Dr. Evil: I have observed you both the past couple of days. (brief pause) Laverne, you have a big mouth. Therefore, I'm going to make you the head of my corporation.
Laverne: (smiling) Really? What's that?
Dr. Evil: You will clean up the break room and all the bathrooms.
Laverne: (steps up to the speaker and clinches her fist) Cleanin' lady, huh?
Laverne takes a ketchup bottle and squirts it out all over the speaker.
Shirley: NO, LAVERNE!!!!
Dr. Evil: That speaker cost me a fortune, you idiot!!!! You're fired!!!!!!!
They both stuck out their lips and did whimper faces.
**********************************************************
SCENE 9[THE PIZZA BOWL]
Laverne and Shirley are sitting at a table drinking Pepsi. Mustafa walks in and orders a pizza.
Shirley: Don't look now, but that weird man from work just walked in and ordered a pizza and I don't think it's going for a walk.
Laverne: Let's sneak out the back way when I say "On your mark get set." Okay?
Shirley: Okay, Laverne.
Laverne: On your mark, get set, go!
They bolted out the back through the bowling alley and headed straight for their apartment.
**********************************************************
SCENE 10[LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT]
The girls run through the door and slam it.
Shirley:(crying)Oh Laverne, I can't take this anymore! First Mr. Shotz leaves, we get a crazy man for a boss. Then we get fired, now we have a hinch man after us, and the heel broke off my shoe.
Laverne: I told you to wear flats. (pause) Hmmm. Hinch man?
Shirley: Yeah, you know, from James Bond. He always does Dr. No's dirty work.
Laverne: James Bond. (snaps her fingers) THAT'S IT!
Shirley: What.
Laverne: Nevermind. Just go gather up Carmine, Lenny, and Squiggy. I have a plan.
[20 MINUTES LATER]There was a knock at the door and Laverne gets up to answer it.
Voice:(singing) I found my thrill, on Blue Berry Hill...(Laverne opens the door)
Richie: Hi, Laverne.
Laverne: Hey, Richie, Shirley's not home yet.
Richie: Why do you think that I'd come to see her?
Laverne: Well, you've always had a crush on her.
Richie: Oh, yeah.
Laverne: You can sit and wait if you'd like, but we're kind of busy right now.
Richie: Doing what?
Laverne: None of your buiness.
Shirley:(coming through the door)I'm home. I gathered up Carmine, Lenny, Squiggy, and Rosie Greenbaum.
Laverne: Big Rosie?(Shirley knodded)You know we don't get along, Shirl.
Shirley: She insisted. Besides,(gets close to Laverne's ear)we can use her as a decoy.
Laverne: Good thinkin'. She can scare him off with her face
Rosie:(walks through the door)Hello, everyone.(looks at Laverne) DeFazio.
Laverne: Greenbaum.
Rosie: Did Shirley remind you about the Good Will drive? I'm collectin' again this year.
Laverne: I've been busy.
Rosie: That's okay, anything will do. What your wearin' will do just fine.
Laverne rolls up her sleeves and moves in on Rosie.
Shirley:(jumping in between them)Stop it ladies! (Rosie pushes Shirley) STOP IT!!!!(she breaks them up) I don't know why you can't be in the same room together without killing each other.
Laverne: Well she started it!
Shirley: I don't care who...(sees Richie sitting on the couch next to Carmine. She looks at Laverne.)What is he doing here?
There's a knock at the door and Laverne opens the door.
Laverne: Hey, Fonzie.
Fonzie: Hey, Laverne. I've been wanting to talk to you. (looks at everyone)I n private, if you catch my drift.
Laverne:(flirtacious smile)Yeah, I know what you mean. Follow me.(she leads him into the bedroom)
[LIVING ROOM]
Squiggy: Why are we here, Shirl? I was about to give Lenny his bath.
Lenny: Yeah, with his tooth brush and everything.
Shirley: Well as happy as THAT makes me feel to know that soap DOES touch your body...
Lenny: Twice a year, like clock work.
Shirley: ...We've got something bigger to discuss.(sees Laverne come out of the bedroom with Fonzie)And here's Laverne to tell you all about it.
Laverne:(to Fonzie)See you Friday Night?
Fonzie:(two thumbs up)Aaaayyy!(he left)
Carmine:(to Shirley)It's getting pretty late, Shirley.
Shirley: Carmine, it's only 8'o'clock.
Squiggy: 8 O'CLOCK?! We're missing the special Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.
Lenny: Yeah. I have to put on my Rocky and Bullwinkle pajamas. Shirley: Fellas, you don't have a televsion set, remember? You always watch ours.
Squiggy: Well what are we sitting here for? Rocky and Bullwinkle are on!
Laverne: Sorry, boys. You're going to have to miss it tonight.(pauses) Uh...
Shirley: All the television sets have the flu.
Squiggy: The flu?! That's terrible!
Lenny: Yeah, we can't watch Rocky and Bullwinkle if all the t.v. sets have the flu. We might catch it.
Shirley: Quiet everyone. Laverne's got something to say.
Rosie: Better make it fast, looks like the bimbo needs her beauty rest.
Laverne:(looks at Rosie and pounds her fist in her hand)BIMBO!
Rosie: Yeah, bimbo.
Laverne:(rolling up her sleeves)Better clear the couch, 'cause there's going to be some blood.
Rosie: Won't be mine, De Fazio.
Laverne: Well, come here and prove it!
They start coming at each other and Shirley jumps in between them.
Shirley: All right, break it up! (holds them back) Honestly. I don't know why you can't be in a room for 5 minutes without turning it into a slugfest. (looking at everyone) Now Laverne has xalled you all here to discuss our new boss, Dr. Evil. If you don't already know, Laverne and I were fired from the brewery today.
Laverne: Yeah.
Rosie: Well, De Fazio, if you needed money why didn't you just as Big Rosie? I'm loaded. (pulls out a wod of cash) Oh, I only have hundreds.
Laverne: We don't want charity. What we DO want is... revenge.
Shirley: Laverne, revenge is such a harsh word.
Laverne: That's why it's called revenge, Shirl.
Carmine: What do we do?
Laverne: First we... (fades out)
**********************************************************
Scene 11 [Shotz Brewery - Late night/ Early morning]
Lenny and Squiggy drive evryonr there in their delivery truck. They arrive at the brewery at 3am.
Lenny: All right, we're here. Everyone out.
Laverne: You all know what to do, right?
Everyone: Right!
They all get out. :averne is with Shirley, Lenny with Squiggy, Carmine with Richie, and Rosie is the decoy.
Laverne: (with two plungers in her hands) We have to climb all the way to the top of the roof.
Shirley: (looks up) Laverne, I don't know about this. I'm really scared right now.
Laverne: What are you afraid of? You've done this before.
Shirley: (cries and whines) I've never used plungers to climb up a building, Laverne. I didn't bring rope. What if I fall? (she slaps Laverne in the face and the calms down) I feel so much better now.
Laverne: (grabbing her cheek in pain) You go first, Shirl.
Shirley: No, Laverne. This was your idea. You go first.
Laverne: If you don't start climbing, I'm going to tell Carmine that you stuff socks in your bra.
Shirley: You wouldn't dare.
Laverne: (shouting) SHIRLEY FEENEY STICKS SOCKS IN HER...
Shirley: ALL RIGHT!!
Shirley sticks the plunger on the building and starts climbing. Laverne follows behind.
Laverne: Don't look down, Shirl.
Shirley: (looks down and squeals in her high pitch) Why did you have to mention that? (she stops climbing)
Laverne: Keep going, Shirl. You're halfway up.
Shirley slowly climbs up the building.
**********************************************************
Scene 12 [Outside the brewery]
Lenny and Squiggy are standing guard in army outfits.
Lenny: Squiggy, it's cold out here.
Squiggy: You're right.
Mr. Bigglesworth is roaming around near them.
Squiggy: Lenny, look, a naked cat.
Lenny: His mother was probably too poor to buy him a fur coat.
Squiggy: His mother didn't buy him a fur coat, he rented one and lost it.
Lenny: No, no, no, it fell off.
Squiggy: He lost it.
Lenny: I'm telling you, it fell off.
Mr. Bigglesworth: Meow.
Lenny: I think he's going to tell us.
Squiggy: Don't move. Maybe it'll go away.
They both stood still.
**********************************************************
Scene 13 [Air Conditioning vents]
Carmine, Richie, and Rosie went through the air vents to get inside the office.
Carmine: (climbing in) Just follow me and keep close.
Richie and Rosie follow.
Rosie: (trying to get through) Wait! I'm stuck!! Richie and Carmine pulled and Richie squeezed through) Listen, fellas, don't mention any of this to De Fazio, okay? (they both agreed All this crawling is wrinkling my tafeda dress.
Carmine: Why did you wear a dress?
Rosie: Because Big Rosie's a woman.
Carmine: Here's his office.
Richie: How do you know?
Carmine: (pointing through the vent) The door reads: Dr. Evil. (he opens the vent) Come on. (looks at Richie) Do you have the flashlight?
Richie: (looks in his pocket) Yes.
Carmine and Richie hopped onto the table in front of them. Rosie pushes her way out of the vent.
Rosie: Piece of cake.
Carmine: Okay, Rosie, you go outside and watch for Dr. Evil. If he comes, you know what to do.(Rosie goes out) Richie, we need to find evidence that will prove Dr. Evil's the murderer.
Richie nodded.
**********************************************************
Scene 14 [On top of the roof]
Shirley: Oh, Laverne, we made it. (looks down) It's so high!
Laverne: Yeah, 4 stories.
Shirley: How did you know?
Laverne: I counted the windows going up.
Shirley: (looking around) You know, I've never been up here before.
Laverne: I have.
Shirley: When?
Laverne: Remember the time I thought I was pregnant?
Shirley: Yeah.
Laverne: Well, that Jim, what's his face, took me up here right before I fell in the vats later on.
Shirley: Oh, yeah. It was hard to get that beer smell out of your blouse. I told you we should have burned it.
Laverne: (sees chimney) Look, Shirl, a chimney.
Shirley: Yeah, so.
Laverne: You go down it and open up the window.
Shirley: But what if there's a fire down there.
Laverne: Just yell fire.
Shirley: No, no, no, I can't do that.
Laverne: Oh, don't cry, Shirl. You have to. I'm too big and you're just right.
Shirley: I am a perfect size 5. (thinks for a minute) No.
Laverne: Look and see how far down it goes.
Shirley: (peaks inside) It's so dark. (Laverne pushes her down) Aaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Shirley's legs stuck out.
Laverne: I'll push you down a little more.
Shirley: No, no, Laverne. This is not a chimney!!
Laverne: What is it?
Shirley: Get me out of here. (Laverne lifted her out) That was a vat of sharks!
Laverne: SHARKS?!!
Shirley: (crying) Yes, Laverne! If you had've pushed me down any further, I would've been the sharks main course!!
Laverne: (laughing) Try hor d'oeuvre, Shirl.
Shirley: Must you make jokes at a time like this. (she looks over the side of the building) Look, Laverne!
Laverne: What?
Shirley: Carmine made it into Mr. Shotz office.
Laverne: That's Dr. Evil's office now, Shirl.
Shirley: That's not the point, Laverne. Come on, let's swing over.
Laverne: We've got no rope, Shirl.
Shirley: (looks over at her) What DO we have, Laverne?
Laverne: (softly, so that Shirley couldn't hear) Scooter pies.
Shirley: What was that?
Laverne: Scooter Pies.
Shirley: What was that?
Laverne: Scooter Pies.
Shirley: ALL YOU BROUGHT WERE SCOOTER PIES?!!!
Laverne: Don't forget the plungers.
Shirley: Laverne, how are we going to get off of here?
Laverne: Fly?
Shirley: With what, Laverne, pixie dust? Honestly.
Laverne: What'd you bring?
Shirley: (looks in her bag) I brought Boo Boo Kitty, my lucky bible, my autographed picture of Fabian and a blanket. (Laverne looks at her) In case it got cold.
Laverne: You just gave me an idea, Shirl.
Shirley: What.
Laverne: The blanket. We can use it as a rope to get down to the next floor.
Shirley: Good thinking, Laverne.
They tied it to a pipe going down the chimney.
Shirley: This time YOU go first. (gives Laverne her bag)
Laverne: Okay. (she slides down to the next floor on the ledge) Not so bad.
Shirley: You were always so good with the ropes in gym. (pauses and looks around) I think I'll stay up here.
Laverne: No, Shirl. If you don't come down here, I'll let go of Boo Boo Kitty. (gets Boo Boo Kitty out of the bag and hold it over the ledge)
Shirley: Nooo! I'll come down! (she comes down inch by inch) Oh. (crying) I can't, I can't, I can't!
Laverne: You're almost there.
Shirley makes it and Laverne grabs a hold of her.
shirley: (looking at her hand) I should've brought lotion. I have calisus that you wouldn't believe.
Laverne: Let's go to the window.
They move toward the window.
Laverne: All right, Shirl, you look inside.
Shirley: (high pitch squeal) What if Dr. Evil's in there and he sees me? I don't want to get caught, Laverne.
Laverne: Shirl, quit your whinin'. You said yourself that Carmine was in there.
Shirley: (calmly) You're right. He's in there.
Laverne: If you're not sure, don't let them see you.
Shirley inched her way to the window and ran to the other side. Shirley peaked inside. Carmine and Richie were searching the ofice.
Shirley: (looks at Laverne) They're in there.
Laverne: (loud whisper) Knock on the window.
Shirley: (whisper) Okay. (she knocks on the window) Carmine. Hello? Carmine.
Laverne: You're going to have to knock louder than that. (she inched her way over to Shirley) We have to get in, Shirl. It's cold out here.
Laverne knocked on her window loudly.
Carmine: (sees the girls and opens the window) Girls, I thought you were on the roof.
Laverne: (stepping in) You thought wrong. We've been out there for 10 minutes freezin' our fannies off.
Shirley came in last.
Shirley: Carmine, have you found anything yet?
Carmine: No.
Laverne spots something sparkly on the floor.
Laverne: (binds over to pick it up) Look, Shirl, a decoder ring. Kinda like the ones we used to get from Little Orphan Annie.
Shirley: (high shrill) Ooooooh, pretty! I want to see if it fits my finger.
Laverne: No, Shirl. I found it, I keep it.
Shirley: I just want to try it on.
Laverne: Go buy a box of Cracker Jacks and get your own ring.
Shirley: (whining) Laverne, you're being selfish!
The girls start arguing.
Richie: (approaching the arguing girls) Excuse me, ladies, but that ring belongs to me. (he takes it from them and places it on his right pinky) I detest that you would assume that this ring came out of a box of Cracker Jacks.
The girls were puzzled.
*************************************************************************
Scene 15 [OUTSIDE THE BREWERY]
Lenny and Squiggy are still trying to avoid the bald cat.
Squiggy: Lenny, it's looking at me.
Lenny: Don't look back.
Squiggy: Why would I? It's just a brick wall.
Lenny: No, the cat. Just don't look at the cat.
Squiggy: I gott'cha, I gott'cha. (he stared at Lenny)
Lenny: (notices a note on the cat's collar) Look, Squig.
Squiggy: (looks around) Where?
Lenny: The cat.
Squiggy: Now you're confusing me. You tell me to look at the cat after telling me NOT to look at the cat.
Lenny: There's a note. (steps forward)
Squiggy: Careful, Len.
Lenny get the note from the collar.
Lenny: Blah. Blah. Blah...
Squiggy: What does it say?!
Lenny: Oh, no, Squiggy. I wasn't reading the note. I was just going over the lyrics to a song that I'm writing, "Ode To Blah."
Squiggy: Well, blah-vo. What does the note say?
Lenny: (opening it) It says, "YOU WILL DIE!" -Dr. Evil. P.S. COUNT YOU FINGERS AND TOES...THAT'S HOW LONG YOU HAVE TO LIVE. I BID YOU FAREWELL.
Squiggy: But I have an extra toe.
Mr. Bigglesworth ran off.
Squiggy: Come on, let's do what the note says and kill the cat.
Lenny: But don't they have nine lives?
Squiggy: Only for dinner.
They ran after the cat.
*************************************************************************
Scene 16 [MR. SHOTZ OFFICE]
Richie: I'm going to see how Rosie's doing.
Carmine: Don't take long. It's almost morning and he'll be here soon.
Richie: Right.
Richie exits there office. Rosie is asleep at the secretary's desk. Mr. Bigglesworth runs in and stops.
Richie: Hello, kitty.
Mr. Bigglesworth: Meow!
Richie: Do you want some Meow Mix? (singing) I want chicken, I want liver. Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver. (grabs the bag and shakes it) Here you go. (pours it into a bowl) Daddy's got to take care of some buisness right now. Enjoy your meal.
Lenny and Squiggy walk in as Dr. Evil is getting out of his Richie Cunningham costume.
Dr. Evil: Nice, uh? It's what I call, steppin' out of someone elses skin...literally!! (puts his right pinky to his mouth) Whoah-ha-ha-ha!!!!
[INSIDE THE OFFICE]
Shirley: Son of a beeswax! Son of a beeswax!
Laverne: What.
Shirley: I got a paper c-c-c-c...
Laverne: Cut! A paper cut!
Shirley: Ooooh.(whiny) I've been trying to avoid them. (sitting down) I feel sick. (starts to cry and hold her finger) It hurts. What if I get an infection?!
Laverne: (kisses it) It's all better. Keep looking.
They all hear laughing.
Carmine: Someone's coming. Hide.
Dr. Evil opened the door and the room was empty. He got behind his desk and buzzed his secretary.
Dr. Evil: Hello. (Buzz! Buzz!) Hello. (no response) What am I paying you frickin' people for anyway?! (picks up the phone) Hello? (pause) This is Dr. Evil. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. (pause) Yeah. Could you tell me the number of Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney? I'll hold. (covers the phone) Hello, can anyone hear me? I need a freakin' pen here! (Carmine grabs a pen from off the desk that he's under and throws it at him.) Ouch! (operator comes back on) Hello. Okay. (brief pause) 555-8484. (pause) No. I know where they live. (pause) Okay, thank you, bye.
Dr. Evil exits.
Shirley: (coming from behind the curtain and in a high pitch squeal) Oh, what are we going to do? He wants to kill us!
Laverne: (taking a lamp shade off her head) Just think, Shirl, if we do survive, you can write it all down in your diary.
Shirley: I want to go home, Laverne.
Laverne: Shirl, he's at our home.
Rosie: (coming into the office yawning) Morning, already?
Laverne: (to Shirley) We have to get home NOW. If we beat him there, we can block the door.
Carmine: Good idea.
Shirley cried as they left.
*************************************************************************
Scene 17 [LATER AT THE APARTMENT]
Laverne, Shirley, Carmine, and Rosie walk through the door and turn on the lights.
Rosie: Listen, I hate to leave, but my Cadellac is over heating. I was fun.
Rosie exits.
There's a knock at the door.
Laverne: Maybe it's Rosie.
Shirley: Maybe it isn't, Laverne.
Laverne: There's only one way to find out. (shouts) who is it?!
Frank: (italian accent) IT'S YOUR FATHER!!
Shirley: How do you know that?
Laverne: Because he said so.
Laverne opens the door.
Frank: Where is he?!!
Laverne: Who?
Frank: The man trying to hurt you! WHERE IS HE?! Lenny and Squiggy told me there was a man after you. WHO IS HE?!!
Laverne: Dr. Evil.
Frank: I'LL KILL'EM!! IF HE COMES HERE, I'LL KILL'EM!!
Dr. Evil: (behind him) I'm here, daddy. Bring it on!
Frank: Do you know what you are? You're a punk and a bully!!
Dr. Evil: I'm evil.
Frank: PUNK!!
Dr. Evil: (picks him up) Take that back. It hurt.
Frank: No, Punk! (sprayed the word in Dr. Evil's face)
Dr. Evil: Say it, don't spray it!
Laverne: Put him down!
Laverne jumped on Dr. Evil's back while Shirley hit him with pillow.
Laverne: Shirl, a pillow?!
Shirley: The world would be a far better place if everyone used pillows.
Dr. Evil: That's true, but I prefer lazors.
Carmine: Leave us alone. We didn't do anything to you!
Dr. Evil: Oh, really? How about, "Let's get back Dr. Evil. Revenege. We'll find evidence to prove that Dr. Evil is a murderer."
Laverne: (on Dr. Evil's back slapping his bald head) How did you know that?
Dr. Evil: I was there, you idiot! I diguised myself as Richie Cunningham. Or shall I say...the LATE Richie Cunningham. whoa-ha-ha-ha!!! Now that you know...you mus DIE!!!!
Shirley: (getiing down on her knees in prayer and crying) Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thine name...
Dr. Evil: Who goes first?
Fonzie: Me.
Dr. Evil: Who are you?
Fonzie: I am...The Fonz!
Laverne: Help us, Fonzie! He want's to kill us!
Fonzie: (to Dr. Evil) You can't do that.
Dr. Evil: Why not?
Fonzie: (snaps) 'Cause The Fonz says so, woah!
Dr. Evil: Yeah, you relly scare me.
Fonzie: (grabs Mr. Bigglesworth) Kill them and the cat gets it, dig?
Dr. Evil: (grabs Boo Boo Kitty) Put him down or I'll rip the cat apart!
Shirley: No! (grabs Laverne's empty Pepsi bottle and hits him over the head with it) Nobody touches or harms my Boo Boo Kitty! (picks him up) Are you okay?(kisses him)
Laverne: Shirl, you did it!
Shirley: What?
Laverne points to Dr. Evil knocked out on the floor.
Shirley: (surprised) I did that?
Carmine: You're a hero, Angel Face. (he kisses her on the cheek)
Laverne: I'll call the police.
Lenny and Squiggy come running through the door.
Squiggy: Did we miss anything?
Lenny: (nudges him) Look, Squig. It's that bald cat again.
Squiggy: Why won't you leave us alone?
They ran out the door.
[TWO DAYS LATER]
Shirley's sitting on the couch reading Boo Boo kitty, THE POKEY LITTLE PUPPY. Laverne comes through the door with a stack of newspapers.
Laverne: Het, Shirl, I grabbed all the newspapers. We're heros.
Shirley: Laverne, I'm the hero. I knocked him out.
Laverne: But I gave him a noogie. (sits down next to her) Did you write all that stuff down in your diary?
Shirley: Yes and no. You can't read it. (gets up and takes Boo Boo Kitty in the bedroom)
Laverne: How about that stuff you did last night with Carmine up at Inspiration Point? (follow shirley to the bedroom) What's you do? How'd it feel?
****Dr. Evil**** was sent to live with Ralph Malph and he was never heard fom again.
****Max Shotz****had been liquidated and fed to ill-tempered mutated Sea bass.
****Laverne and Shirley****decided to move to Burbank, California where they work at Bardwell's Department Store.
****Edna Babish and Frnk De Fazio****are married and now work at Cowboy Bill's in Burbank.
****Carmine Ragusa****lives in Burbank as a singing telegram man.
****Richie Cunningham****still lives at home with his parents.
****Rosie Greenbaum****is still a BIMBO!
****Fonzie****is always cool, rides his bike and dates Pinky Tuscadero.
****Lenny and Squiggy****live in Burbank and work as talent agents. They both have a bald cat conplex.
****Mustafa****was killed trying to kill Lenny and Squiggy in their apartment. He slipped on their floor an broke his neck. The floor was covered in jello.
THE END