Nightmare In Lllanview

Rated: PG-13

Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

Location: Gabrielle Medina and Bo Buchanan's apartment building in Llanview.

Scene 1
INT. Bo and Gabrielle's Apartment - Morning

Gabrielle sat at the kitchen table and read "The Banner" while drinking a cup of tea. Bo was in the bedroom getting ready for a big day on the job. The door bell rang and Gabrielle slowly got up to answer it. In the doorway stood [our favorite Milwaukee neighbors], Lenny and Squiggy.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Gabrielle: Hi, um, who are you? Friends of Bo's?

Squiggy: No, we happen to be your new neighbors. We live right down the hall from ya.

Gabrielle: What are your names?

Squiggy: Andrew Squiggman...

He reached for her hand and she pulled it away. Lenny smiled at her.

Gabrielle: (to Lenny) And you are?

Lenny: I'm Lenny Kosnowski.

Gabrielle: Ah, uh, nice to meet you both. I have a lot of things to do today.

Squiggy: Tell me, uh...what's your name again?

Gabrielle: (a bit annoyed) I never gave it to you. It's Gabrielle.

Squiggy: Gabrielle, uh, have ya ever tried Jell-o wrestling?

Gabrielle: (rolling her eyes) No.

Lenny: It's really fun. You slip around the floor and everything.

Gabrielle: (half smile) How lovely. I have a million and one things to do today, so we'll chat again some other time, okay?

Squiggy: Okay, if ya gotta. Hey, uh, I love your France accent. It's got a nice ring to it.

Gabrielle: Good-bye.

She shut the door in their face.

Squiggy: She is one tough waffle.

Lenny: I'm hungry.

Squiggy: Me too. Let's go to that Breakfast Bar.

Bo came out of the bedroom and went into the livingroom.

Bo: Who was that at the door?

Gabrielle: Our new neighbors. Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumber.

Bo: Huh?

Gabrielle: Nevermind. I'm sure you'll met them later. Are you leaving now?

Bo: Yeah. I have to head down to the station. Will you be sticking around here all day?

Gabrielle: I-I think I'll do some work at The Banner.

Bo: Good. Well, I better go.

Gabrielle: (nods) Yeah, and I should, too.

Bo: Do you want me to give you a lift?

Gabrielle: No, on second thought, I think I'll stick around here for a bit and finish my tea.

Bo: Okay. See ya later.

Bo left the apartment.

Gabrielle: (to herself) Gabrielle, you have to stop making this situation more akward then it already is. (Gabrielle flashes back to where her and Bo first kissed) That was a friendly kiss. Only between two friends. It can't go any further then that.

Scene 2
INT. Break Bar -Morning

Lenny and Squiggy walk in and look around.

Squiggy: Well, here we are, Len, the Breakfast Bar.

Lenny: (noticing the sign) No, Squiggy. That says 'Break Bar.'

Squiggy: I guess someone came in here and stole the last four letters [of Breakfast] on that sign.

They took a seat. Rex waited their table.

Lenny: (mouth agape after seeing Rex's shirt) Y-Y-Your shirt.

Rex: What about my shirt?

Squiggy: (puts his hand over Lenny's mouth) Someone has stolen 'fast' off your shirt.

Rex: Huh?

Squiggy: How can ya stand there with your little pad and pencil and sell me breakfast if the 'fast' is missing?

Lenny: Your sign says 'Break Bar.'

Rex: Yeah. This is the name of the restaurant. It's owned by Max Holden.

Squiggy: Is he in any relation to William Holden?

Rex: William who?

Squiggy: How can we eat here? It's just some break room, like at Shotz Brewery.

Rex: Are you going to order something or am I going to have to get the owner to personally throw you out?

Squiggy: (looks at the menu) Let's see, I'll have a wait. Change that to a beer and a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwhich.

Lenny: Mmm, that's sounds good, but make mine peanut butter and mustard sandwich with a pickle on the side.

Rex: (giving them a weird look) Will that be all?

Lenny: I want a beer, too, please.

Rex: Coming right up.

Rex went to the counter and whispered a few things to Max. Roxy entered the bar and walked up to Max.

Max: (seeing Roxy) Oh, God, will that woman ever leave me alone?

Roxy approached the bar and sat down.

Roxy: (smiling and chewing gum) Hey, Maximillion. You didn't come home last night. Where were you?

Max: Far away from you.

Roxy: You don't mean that, do ya, Maxy?

Max: Yes, I do.

Roxy looked at him funny and her knees began to wabble.

Roxy: I'm not feeling so good.

Max: Why don't you go to the Coffee House, which is far away from here, and sober up.

Roxy: You think I'm drunk? Well, I'm not. I'm just feeling a little woozie, that's all.

Max: Do me a favor and feel woozie some place else.

Roxy looked around the room.

Squiggy: (about Roxy) Look at that one, Len. She's blonde and everything. She reminds me of a carney I once knew.

Lenny: Boy, she sure was fun.

Squiggy waved at her and she turned around to Max.

Roxy: I see a few guys over there that seem interested in old Roxy.

Max: (rolls his eyes) Hey, the day gets worse and worse when your here, so will you scram?

Roxy: No problem, Max. I'll be over at that table. If you start to miss me, you'll know where to look.

Roxy smiled at him and walked over to Lenny and Squiggy's table.

Roxy: Hi there.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Roxy: My name's Roxy. What's yours?

Squiggy: I'm Squiggy.

Lenny: Lenny.

Roxy: Nice to meet you.

Squiggy: Do ya work at a carnival?

Roxy: No. I stay at home. I'm married to Max Holden. He owns this place.

Squiggy: Whoop-tee-do. (pause) Have you ever wrestled in mud with another woman?

Roxy: And ruin my beautiful hair? No.

Squiggy: I really like your hair.

Roxy: (touching her hair) Do you really?

Squiggy: Yeah. It reminds me of the mop that used to keep me company when my parents locked me in the closet when I was a kid.

Lenny: Don't forget the mothes.

Squiggy: How could I forget my friends. The mama, Gertrude...the father, Harold and all the little moth babies...Arnold, Bobby, Fred, Joe, Sharlene, Dorian, Tony, John, Helen, Maryann, Charlotte, Hansel, Gretel, Elvis, Lucy...

Roxy: Hey, listen, I do have a life, you know.

Squiggy: Of course ya do.

Roxy: I better go now. I'll see you around. Where are you staying?

Squiggy: Some apartment next door to Gabriel.

Roxy: Gabriel? Like in Gabrielle Medina?

Squiggy: That's the name.

Lenny: She's really pretty.

Roxy: She's trouble with a capital...."B."

Lenny: "T."

Roxy: Yeah, whatever. I'll see you around.

Roxy left and Max approached their table.

Max: What ever you said to make her leave, "thank you." Tell you what, you're next drink is on me.

He handed them some beers as Rex went past. Lenny and Squiggy looked at each other, took the beers, and poured them over Max's head.

Max: (dripping wet from the beers) Why did you do that?

Squiggy: You said the beers were going to be on you.

Max: Were you two dropped at birth?

Lenny: Squiggy was. I was just neglected. All I had to play with when I was a kid was a sour kraut.

Max: You two are morons.

Squiggy: No, I'm a Lutheran.

Lenny: And I'm Catholic.

Gabrielle entered the Break Bar and saw Max, who was sobbing wet.

Max: (sarcastic) Great, my day just keeps getting better and better.

Gabrielle: Max, I want to talk to you about our son.

Lenny put his palm in his mouth and Squiggy made kissy noises.

Max: Can't you see I'm wet?

Gabrielle: (looks over at Lenny and Squiggy) What happened?

Max: Those two mor---idiots poured their beers over my head.

Gabrielle: (giggling) I see you've met my new neighbors.

Max: They live in your building? (Gabrielle nods) And I thought Roxy was nuts.

Gabrielle giggled again.

Max: Must you rub that in, too? What has Al done?

Gabrielle: He's going after Jen Rappaport again.

Max: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Gabrielle: Well, he's half your son, too. I'm very worried about him.

Max: Okay, do you want me to talk to him?

Gabrielle: Yes, Max. Yes. Talk to him and act like his father for once. (she leaves)

Max: (watching her leave and giving one of his strange looks) Ooookay.

Scene 3
INT. Bo and Gabrielle's Apartment - Evening

Gabrielle sat alone in the empty apartment, hoping that Bo would return from the police station. She saw something move across the floor. When she took a closer look, she saw that it was a big cockroach.

Gabrielle: Oh, disgusting. I hope it don't have friends.

The door opens.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Gabrielle: Don't you know how to knock?

Squiggy: Everyone knows how to knock. All you do is pull back your wrist and let it go.

Gabrielle: Then why didn't you?

Squiggy: Too much work. If we knock, then you'll either come to the door or say, "Come in," so we saved ya the trip.

Gabrielle: All right, all right. What do you want?

Squiggy: (getting close to Gabs) How about you, me and a bottle of hair conditioner?

Gabrielle: (pushing him away) That will never happen in this lifetime or any other lifetime.

Squiggy: Ya say that now, but wait till later.

Lenny looked at Squiggy and then he reached into his pocket and handed Lenny $5.

The phone rang.

Gabrielle: (answering it) Hello? Oh, really? Well, I'm on my way. [hangs up the phone] Out.

Squiggy: (to Lenny) She sounded like Shirley just then, only with a french accent.

Gabrielle: I want you to leave right now.

Lenny: You know, Squig, she might be greek.

Squiggy: Nah, she's french.

Lenny: But she looks like a greek goddess.

Gabrielle: Would you please leave? [opens door]

Squiggy: Oh, she must like us. She opened the door and everything. [they leave and Gabs soon follows]

EXT. Llanfair - Day

Lenny and Squiggy walked around Llanview when they came across the mansion.

Squiggy: Wow, this place looks like the house from that great monster picture we saw a week ago.

Lenny: Oh, yeah, "The Monster In the Haunted Mansion." That was a really good one, but that monster scared me.

Squiggy: Ya wanna go inside?

Lenny: I don't know.

Squiggy: Come on, Len. You're not chicken, are ya?

Lenny: Uh...

Squiggy: (slaps his back) Sure you're not.

They went up the walk and flipped a coin for who would ring the doorbell. Lenny lost and pushed the button. The door opened and it was Natalie, who was on her way out the door.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Natalie: Who are you?

Squiggy: We are talent may have heard of us--Squignowski Talent Agency of Burbank.

Lenny: S.T.A.B.

Natalie: Is this a joke?

Lenny: No, it really does spell stab.

Natalie: Listen, I don't know who you are, but I really have to go now.

She quickly walked past them.

Squiggy: (watching her leave) Now that was one gorgeous chickeroo.

They heard something coming closer to the door.

Squiggy: Hear that, Len?

They pressed their ears up against the door.

Niki Smith: Yes! I'm finally free! [opens the door and see Lenny and Squiggy] Who are you?

Squiggy: Do you like tarts?

Niki: Yes.

Squiggy: Then how would you feel about playing a wicked queen in our next Squignowski production of "Alice In Wonderland?"

Niki: (fixing her hair; smiling) Do you really think I'd make a great queen?

Dark clouds began to form in the sky and Lenny and Squiggy watched at thunder cracked and lightning lit the sky.

Niki: Well, I better get to the potting she--I mean, my car.

Squiggy: We better go. Lenny's scared of the thunder.

Lenny had the look of fear on his face.

Scene 4
INT. Llanview P.D. - Day

Bo was in his office drinking his coffee when Gabrielle came through the door in tears.

Bo: What's the matter?

Gabrielle: I don't know what else to do. He just won't listen.

Bo: Who?

Gabrielle: Al. He's more determined than ever to get Jen back and I don't know what else to do. I've tried my hardest to convince him that there is another love for him out there, but he just won't listen.

Bo: Have you talked to Max about this?

Gabrielle: Yes, but he's no help.

Bo: (gets up) Gabrielle [walks to her], I want you to know that--if you need me, I'm here for you.

Gabrielle: (smiling with tears flowing down) Thank you, Bo. [Bo took his hand and brushed away her tears] Uh, maybe I should go now.

Bo: Do you really have to go?

Gabrielle: You want me to stay?

Bo: Well, yeah. I could use the company--I mean, if you're not too--

Gabrielle: No--I mean, I'll stay. [she puts her hands on his]

Bo: (smiling) Good.

Later that day...

INT. Bo and Gabrielle's Apartment - Evening

Bo opened the door and he and Gabrielle entered. He couldn't keep his eyes off of her.

Gabrielle: (turns and looks at Bo) I, uh---better go change.

Bo: Wait a minute.

Gabrielle: What?

For a brief moment their eyes were locked on one another and each moved in closer, almost kissing.

Gabrielle: I really should get a shower and a change. I look terrible.

The door opened and it hit Bo on the butt.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Gabrielle: Oh, no. Not you two again.

Bo: Have you ever heard of knocking before entering a room?

Gabrielle: What do you two want?

Squiggy: Could we use your shower?

Gabrielle: What ever for? Don't you have your own?

Squiggy: Yeah, but it has dirt in it.

Gabrielle: Then clean it out.

Squiggy: We can't on account it's got tomatos and squash going in it.

Gabielle: No, you can't use the shower because I am.

Lenny bit his palm and Squiggy made kissy noises.

Bo: Now that's enough. I want you both to leave right now.

Squiggy: Okay, we'll go, but we'll take our imagination with us.

Lenny and Squiggy left.

Scene 5
INT. Bo and Gabrielle's Apartment - Night

Gabrielle sat in the kitchen with her robe on and drinking tea. She thought about what had happened earlier before Lenny and Squiggy barged in. Bo entered the room and looked at Gabrielle who was sipping her tea. He flashed back to their first kiss and then thought about when she came into his office earlier that day.

Bo: Eh-hem [Gabrielle glanced at him] Are you coming to bed?

Gabrielle: Excuse me?

Bo: I mean, your bed--not me in your bed.

Gabrielle: (smiling) I'll be in shortly.

Bo: Okay-- uh, do you mind if I ask you something?

Gabrielle: What?

Bo: It's about earlier today.

Gabrielle: Yes?

Bo: Did you--I mean--how's Al?

Gabrielle: Al is doing great, I mean, he's a hero. He rescued Jen from the fire. [gets up and walks over to where Bo is] Thank you, Bo.

Bo: For what?

Gabrielle: For being there when I needed someone.

Bo: You can always count on me being there for you.

Gabrielle: (smiles) I better go-- [Bo blocks her and she bumps into him]

Bo and Gabrielle moved in closer and finally kissed, but this time neither one pulled away. Gabrielle began to unbutton his shirt and he did the same to her. He took her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. The door was slammed shut.


INT. Rae Cumming's House - Night

Lenny and Squiggy went for a joy ride and ran out of gas. They saw a light on in Rae's house, went to the door and found that it was unlocked. Inside, the place was empty and they made their way to the living room.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

They had a little tour of the house and observed that it was big. There was a banging noise coming from the basement and their curiousity led them to see 'who' was down there. Squiggy opened the door.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Roxy did a muffled cry, but Lenny and Squiggy couldn't understand her.

Lenny: I think we should take off the scarf.

Squiggy: (takes off the scarf and recognizes her) Hey, you're the broad from that 'Breakfast' Bar.

Roxy: Yeah. Help me get loose. Allison Perkins is a real psycho.

Squiggy: Lenny's seen 'Pyscho' twenty times.

Roxy: That's great. Untie me. [Lenny unties her] Thanks, guys. We gotta get outta here.

Squiggy: We can't.

Roxy: What not?

Lenny: We ran outta gas.

Roxy: No problem. I'll suck gas for ya.

Squiggy: Great. Come on.

They ran out of the house just before Allison Perkins and Lindsay Rappaport returned. Once Lindsay and Allison went inside, Roxy ran to her car and sucked the gas out. Then Lenny put the gas into his car. Everyone hopped into the car and drove off.

Roxy: Thanks for saving me. You're my Knights in shining armor.

Lenny: You suck gas better than any of the girls we knew in Milwaukee.

Squiggy: Especially Laverne and Shirley.

Roxy: Really?

Lenny: Yeah.

Roxy: Do me a favor. I wanna pay a visit to someone. [gives them the address]

Scene 6
INT. Bo and Gabrielle's Bedroom - Early Morning

Gabrielle looked at Bo and smiled.

Bo: (smiling back) Good morning.

Gabrielle: (putting her head on his chest) You know what, Bo?

Bo: What?

Gabrielle: (looks up at him) I have waited so long for you to kiss me like that...again.

Bo: So did I.

Gabrielle: Really?

Bo: All I've thought about these past few months was that kiss.

Gabrielle: (smiles and kisses his chest) Well I'm happy now--truely happy. [kisses him]

They made love once more before starting a new day.

EXT. Max Holden's House - Morning

Roxy rang the door bell and Max answered.

Max: No! I thought you finally left me. What are you doing back?

Roxy: Well, Maximillion, I wanted to give you something.

Max: A divorce, I hope.

Roxy: No, better.

Max: What could be better than a divorce?

Roxy: This--- [She draws back her fist and punches his in the face]

Max: (opens his mouth and rests his hand on his jaw) Ow! You hit me. [feels his nose and looks at his hand] I'm bleeding.

Roxy: Good. You were gonna leave me to die.

Max: Huh?

Roxy: I ran into Allison Perkins and she locked me up in a basement and tried to kill me.

Max: Too bad it didn't work.

Roxy: Why do you hate me?

Max: Well, for one thing, I think you broke my jaw.

Roxy: That's not all I'm gonna break.

Max: Do me a favor, Roxeanne--Go far away from Llanview. I'm sick of you.

Roxy socked him in the stomache and kicked him when he fell to the ground.

Roxy: You want me to leave? I will, but not because you said to. I have friends waiting for me outside. [takes a glass of champaine, sips it and pours it over Max's head] Bye, Maxibaby.

Roxy got into Lenny and Squiggy's car and rode off to another adventure.

The End

(Close This Window To Return To LAS Fic)