Dr. Evil said one day,
I have lazer, you will pay.
But Austin Powers showed no fear,
Cuz he will always win, my dear.

-S.Wilhelmina Feenster

Nightmare In The Woods

Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Based on a true story... NOT!

Ellie was walking through the woods one day and she
came upon a building.

Ellie:(Thinking) Wow! What a cool looking building. I wonder what a large building is doing in the woods.

She went through a revolving door.

Ellie:AHHHHHH!!!!(Ellie was spun around fast and got thrown out on her butt) Ouch! They sure don't make them like they used to.(She got up, dusted off, and looked around)Hmmm. I wonder who lives or works here. There wasn't a sign out front. Hello?

Voice: Who's there?

Ellie: Ellie.

Voice: What's an Ellie.

Ellie: It's a name my mother gave me.

Voice: Oh. What do you want?

Ellie: Well, a shower would be nice. I been walking through the woods and I'm so hot.

Voice: Well you've come to the right place. Hold on. (The voice creeped closer)Hell-o!

It was Squiggy. He was Ellie's and every girl's nightmare.

Squiggy: You want to use our shower?

Ellie: Our?

Squiggy: Yes. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Andrew Squiggman of "Squignowsi Talant Agency Of Burbank.

Lenny:(coming out from behind a curtain)S.T.A.B.

Ellie: (gulping) Stab?

Lenny: No. S.T.A.B. our Talent Agency for short.

Squiggy: Excuse me, where are my manners? This is Lenny. The "Nowski" of our Ingrocery.(Industry)

Lenny: Hi.

Squiggy called Lenny over to him to discuss the Shower arrangments.

Squiggy: I'm sorry uh..Elvira.

Ellie: Ellie.

Squiggy:(putting his arm around her)That's a nice name too. Our shower is busy growing tomatos for our pie. You can come back when they are ripe and I'll let you take one home with you. You can take one to your poor sick mother.

Ellie: My mother's not sick.

Squiggy: LET ME TALK, WOMAN! If your mother don't eat a tomato a day then she won't grow to be as smart as Lenny and myself.

Ellie: No thank you. I think I better be leaving.

Squiggy: What's your rush?

Ellie: I left my oven on.

Squiggy: Doesn't everybody?

Lenny: Squig? How do you spell "Ocean"?

Squiggy: The way it sounds. "O-S-H-I-N."

Lenny: Thanks. He's the smart one.

Squiggy: Yes, I expelled(excelled)in Spelling and Grammy.(KNOCK!KNOCK!KNOCK!) I will get it.(walks over and opens the door)

Christoph: Hello, I was wondering...(sees Ellie)ELLIE!

Ellie:(Smile of relief) Christoph (drummer from Rammstein!!)! My night and shining armor! I'm so glad you're here. Rescue me from these two idiots!

Squiggy: Who are you calling idiots?! I have you know that we are respictable(respectable)Human beings.

Christoph: Come on.

Squiggy: And where do you think YOU are going?

Ellie: Home.

Squiggy: You aren't going nowhere.

Christoph:(points away) Hey look! Madonna!

Squiggy: Where?

Squiggy: I don't see Madonna.

Lenny: Maybe she went into the bedroom.

Squiggy: Nooo. Let me think.(pause) I got it! Maybe she went into the bedroom.

Lenny: You are so smart. I wish that I could be as smart as you.

Squiggy: Maybe if you eat a lot of tomatos.

Lenny: Yeah.

Lenny/Squiggy:(shake eat others hand) STUPID!

Ellie and Christoph ran home.

Ellie: Thank you for saving me, Christoph. I love you.

Christoph:(In his sexy black silk shirt and black tie) I love you too, Ellie.

They both hopped in his limo and lived happily ever after.


Squiggy: Hey, Len. What were we doing before?

Lenny: I don't know.(Beat) Hey, I've got an idea. Let's call up Laverne and Shirley in Milwaukee and pretend we're dying or something so they'll come here and we can do double-make-out.

Squiggy: No. We did that yesterday, remember? After we jumped them they kicked us in the stomache with their high heels.

Lenny: Yeah, that hurt. Shirley screamed so loud that I couldn't hear Laverne coming at me with a 2 by 4. I still have the lump.

Squiggy: Well Lenny, Tomorrow is another day.

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