Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Scene 1
INT. Lenny and Squiggy's Apartment - Evening
Lenny and Squiggy sat at their kitchen table while pining over a beautiful silver screen starlet.
Squiggy: She was one good lookin' chickeroo.
Lenny: Oh yeah. But she never talked or nothin'.
Squiggy: That's why they call'em silent pictures.
Lenny: Yeah, I was wonderin' why they kept flashing words on the screen.
Squiggy: Remember when we saw our first silent picture?
Lenny: Oh yeah! We were born too late.
Squiggy: I liked the blind girl. She was one hot number.
Lenny: She sure was...Wait a minute. She was blind?
Squiggy: Yeah, why else would she follow that tramp around the entire picture.
Lenny: I thought she was lost.
Squiggy: Oh Len, you should be so modest.
Lenny: Huh?
Squiggy: Let's go ta Cowboy Bill's and find a blind girl with the legs of Greta Garbo and the bosom of Marylin Monroe.
Lenny: Okay.
They exited the apartment.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Evening
Laverne and Shirley sat on their couch looking for a place to spend their vacation time.
Shirley: Here's a place, Laverne... Suess Island. It looks like a nice relaxing place.
Laverne: Lemme see that.
Laverne took a long look at the odd shaped brochure. She turned the page and saw the great holiday attraction they call, "Whoville."
Laverne: Oh, Shirl. It says, "Every Christmas we have a 'Whobilation'! Whoville's finest celebration!" Well Shirl, what are we waiting for? Let's go!
Shirley: (smiling) Okay, Laverne!
Laverne: Let's start packin'.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Bedroom
Laverne and Shirley grabbed their suitcases and began packing their things. There was a knock at the door and Laverne ran downstairs to answer it. Before she could reach the doorknob, the knock turned into a scraping noise.
Laverne: Must be Lenny and Squiggy again.
She opened the door and standing in the hall, wearing a black body suit with blades for hands, was Edward Scissorhands. Laverne's ears bugged out and she screamed. He next thing she did was slammed the door in his face and ran back up the stairs. Edward tried to open the door, but obviously couldn't.
Laverne: [CONT'D] Shirl, Shirl! There's a mad man who knives outside our apartment.
Shirley: Is this one of your tricks, Laverne?
Laverne: No Shirley, I swear.
Shirley: Hmm.
Shirley headed for the door while Laverne tried desperately to stop her.
Laverne: Shirley, don't! I'm begging you!
Shirley cracked open the door and peaked outside.
Shirley: Oh Laverne...
Laverne: (nervously) Is it him?
Shirley: Stay calm, Laverne..
Laverne: What is it?
Shirley opened the door the rest of the way to reveal a box of 'Glamour' magazines.
Shirley: You see, Laverne, it was nothing. You probably just saw Rhonda without her make-up. She's always dropping these things at our doorstep.
Laverne: But it's not like Rhonda to be out this early at night without her make-up on.
Shirley dragged the box into the apartment.
Shirley: This box is heavy, Laverne. Could you help me out here?
Laverne cowardly approached Shirley and assisted her with moving the box.
Laverne: I think that we should pack now.
Shirley: All right, Laverne. You know, ones imagination can be extremely powerful and very realistic. Maybe you're channeling a fear you had when you were younger.
Laverne: (cynically) Yeah, Shirl. That's it. I must have run with scissors as a child which triggered my brain to see a man who had scissors for hands.
They went upstairs.
Scene 2
INT. Cowboy Bill's - Later That Night
Cowboy Bill's business was slowing down as the evening went on and Lenny and Squiggy sat looking for the beauty they saw on the silver screen. As they were searching in what was left of a less than crowded resturaunt, they couldn't help but notice a cute blonde enter the room.
Squiggy: Lenny, do you see what I see?
Lenny: See what?
Squiggy: A dazzling beauty with legs.
Lenny: Ooooh!
Lenny had the urge to bite his palm.
Squiggy: Stop that, Len. Do you want to make her think you're a candy
ball?
Lenny: Sorry, it's just that she really looks good and I want her bad.
Squiggy: As do I, Len. As do I.
She sits at the table behind Lenny.
Squiggy: Don't look know, Len, but she's right behind you.
Lenny turned around and the blond smiled and said, "Hi."
Lenny: Ooooh!
Lenny's face turned red as he scrunched up in face with pleasure.
Squiggy: She spoke to you, Len. That means she likes you.
Squiggy got up and moved to her table.
Squiggy: [CONT''D] Hell-o! Mind if I sit down?
Before she could answer, he sat down.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] Andrew Squiggman's the name and beautiful blondes are my game..
By the way, what's your name?
Chrissy Snow: Chrissy.
Squiggy: Well Chrissy, allow me to sit here and drink in your beauty.
Chrissy: That's going to be hard because it's not on the menu.
Chrissy snorted.
Lenny got up from his table and stood behind Squiggy sheepishly. Chrissy smiled at him and waved. He waved back and lowered his head to the floor.
Chrissy: Do you want to join us?
Lenny: Uh, I'd love to.
He sat down next to Squiggy and stared at her.
Squiggy: Len, don't ya know ain't polite to stare.
Chrissy: It's okay. Men stare at me all the time.
Lenny: (mesmerized) I'm sure they do.
Squiggy: How about we skip dinner and go straight for desert.
Chrissy: Mmm. I love desert.
Squiggy takes her hand.
Squiggy: Let's go.
Chrissy: I can't go anywhere. I'm waiting for someone.
Squiggy: Your boyfriend?
Chrissy: No, my girlfriend.
Squiggy: Oh, so you're into that sorta thing.
At that moment, Janet Wood, Chrissy's brunnete roommate, entered Cowboy Bill's. Chrissy saw her and signaled for Janet to join them.
Janet Wood: Hi, Chrissy, I'm sorry I'm late.
Chrissy: Janet, this is Andrew and this is...
Lenny: Lenny.
Janet: Hi, nice to meet you both.
Squiggy: (to Lenny) We struck gold, Len.
Janet sat down next to Chrissy.
Squiggy: How about we get outta here and make a little Chrissy and Janet sandwich.
Chrissy: Wow, there's a Chrissy sandwich?
Squiggy: Yes, and I'm sure it's very good.
Janet: I'm not going and I don't want you to go either, Chrissy.
Chrissy: Why not? It sounds like fun.
Janet: Excuse us. Do you understand what they're asking us to do?
Chrissy: Of course I do. They want us to have desert with them.
Janet: Chrissy, they want us to go to their place and...
Janet whispered something in Chrissy's ear.
Chrissy: That's disgusting. I don't even do that on a first date.
Janet: We better find somewhere else to go tonight.
Chrissy: You're right. I wasn't really hungry anyway.
Janet: How are we going get out of here?
Chrissy: Through the door like everyone else.
They returned to their table and grabbed their purses.
Squiggy: Where are you going?
Janet: Chrissy's aunt swallowed a...
Chrissy: Bee.
Janet: Yeah, and now she looks like a blowfish.
Squiggy: That's terrible.
Janet: So now we have to get to the hospital.
Chrissy: Good-bye!
They ran out the door and didn't look back.
Squiggy: Well, Len, there went out golden beauties.
Three ladies entered Cowboy Bill's, a tall one with silvery short hair, another with golden hair, and the other with light brown hair.
Lenny: But here come some new ones.
Squiggy: What are ya talking about? Those are old biddies...Crones.
Lenny: They remind me of my teachers from high school.
Squiggy: But they fluncked ya.
Lenny: I know, but they smelled like my grandma's closet.
Squiggy: Didn't your old granny hide moth balls in there?
Lenny: Yes, but I liked the smell.
The three women took their seats. Squiggy glanced over their direction
Squiggy: Nah, they've gotta be at least 70 or 80.
Dorothy: That man just looked over here at me.
Rose: What man?
Dorothy: Batman, Rose.
Rose looked around.
Rose: I don't see Batman in here.
Dorothy: Rose, I was talking about that man over there.
Rose: The short or tall one?
Dorothy: The short one!
Rose: Oh.
Squiggy turned around and looked at them.
Squiggy: Have you no respect? I'm sitting here and I'm not blind! If you have something to say, say you can say it to my face. I happen to be a talent agent. You may have heard of us, "Squiggnowski Talent Agency of Burbank."
Lenny: S.T.A.B!
Dorothy: We're just visiting California. We're from Miami.
Squiggy: Is that near Finland?
Blanche couldn't keep her eyes off of Lenny who was now standing next to Squiggy.Another costumer entered Cowboy Bill's and sat near their table. She had big dark, curly brown hair, very slim and beautiful.
Dorothy: Would you mind leaving our table? You're attracting moths over here.
Squiggy: I have you know that the little moths are my friends and if anyone should leave the table, it should be you! And for your information, it's not their fault ya smell like moth balls! Come on, Len...
Squiggy notices the woman with the big hair.
Blanche: (to Lenny) Call me, sugar.
Lenny: Okay. Good-Bye, sugar.
Blanche: Wow! That man is tall, big, and handsome. What I wouldn't give to...
Dorothy: Blanche!
Rose: I remember back in Saint Olaf...
Dorothy: Rose, we're on vacation. If you have something to say, don't say it till we return home. Even then, I don't want to hear it.
Rose nodded, zipped her mouth, and threw away the key.
Lenny followed Squiggy to the beautiful woman's table. She was drinking a coyote sodie and reading a magazine.
Squiggy: Hello there, my beautiful rose peddle.
Fran Fine: Hello. Uh, who are you.
Squiggy: Andrew Squiggman, you may know me from Hollywood.
Fran: No, I don't. Are you an actor?
Squiggy: Are you nuts? I make stars.
Fran: Ooooh! You're a producer!
Squiggy: Not even close! I'm a talent agent.
Fran: That was my next guess.
Squiggy: I'm sure it was.
Fran: (looks at Lenny) Who's he? Is he an agent too?
Squiggy: Yes he is. Leonard Kosnowski.
Lenny: You can call me Lenny.
Fran: Okay. (laughs) You're cute.
Lenny smiled.
Lenny: You're that too. I mean, pretty and all.
Fran: You're so sweet. Sit down.
Lenny sat down next to her and could speak no more.
Fran: So, do you live around here?
Lenny: I live in Burbank.
Fran: Well, you're here, honey. Do you live close by?
Lenny: I live on Laural Vista.
Fran: Oh honey, you should swing by my place sometime. I live near that neighborhood. Do you want my number?
Lenny: Yes, please.
Fran: Oooh! You're good-looking and polite.
Squiggy: Eh-hem!
Lenny: What is it, Squig?
Fran: Squig? That sounds like a baby pigs tail.
Fran laughed in her nasal laugh.
Squiggy: I have ya know that Squiggy is my nickname! You, my dear, laugh like ya have something caught up your nose.
Fran: Hey! Don't think that you'll get invited to my Christmas party.
Squiggy: I wouldn't wanna go ta your stale party anyways. Leonard! Let's be on our way!
Lenny: All right. Good-bye, Fran.
Fran: Call me.
Lenny: You can count on it.
They exited Cowboy Bill's.
Scene 3
Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Morning
Laverne and Shirley had their suitcases packed and were ready to walk out the door.
Shirley: Gee, Laverne, Whoville will be fun.
Laverne: Oh, I know. They have Grinch there...So I heard. And they have little Who boys and girls.
Shirley: Don't forget the furry woodland creatures like The Cat in the Hat and as you pointed out, The Grinch.
Laverne: We better hurry of we'll miss our train.
Shirley: Do you know what they're serving on the train, Laverne?
Laverne: Uh, I believe it's green eggs and ham.
Shirley: Just checking.
They were finally out the door and to the train station.
EXT. Shining Time Station
Laverne and Shirley were about to board the train when a familiar face appeared amongst the crowd.
Richie: Hi, Laverne. Hi, Shirley.
Shirley: Hi, Richie. What are you doing here?
Richie: What does it look like I'm doing here? I'm going to board the train.
Laverne: Are you gonna go to Whoville too?
Richie: Yeah, well, I figured..why not? It's not like I haven't been there before.
Laverne: Yeah, that's kinda like me and Wrigley Field. I feel a connection to it.
Shirley: I have this weird thing about the song, "Bingo."
Mr. Conductor: All aboard!
Shirley noticed the little conductor who looked a lot like their favorite Beatle drummer.
Shirley: You know, Laverne..The conductor looks like Ringo.
Laverne: Which rhymes with "Bingo!"
Shirley: Stop that, Laverne!
They all boarded the train. Before the conductor gave his last call, four well loved people were fighting to get on the train before it left.
Ricky Ricardo: Let me take care of this. Mr. Conductor, I need to board this train so we can get to Whoville.
Mr. Conductor: Do you have your tickets?
Ricky Ricardo: Yes. Luckily, I didn't let my crazy red headed wife near them.
He handed the conductor the four tickets and they boarded the train. It was time for Thomas the Train Engine to leave the station. The train pulled out of the station. And headed for destination, "Whoville."
INT. Train
Laverne and Shirley sat in their compartment waiting for their meal to be delivered. Right next door, Lucy, Ethel, Ricky, and Fred were trying to work out sleeping arrangements.
Lucy: All right, who's getting the top bunk?
Fred: I don't care.
Ethel: Lucy, you take the top bunk.
Lucy: No Ethel, I think you should take it.
Fred: Rick, I'll take the bottom bunk.
Ricky: All right, Fred. You see, Lucy, that wasn't so hard.
Lucy: Ethel, you can have the top bunk.
Ethel: Okay!
Lucy wasn't too happy about Ethel giving in so quick.
Fred: I'm hungry. When are we going to eat?
Ethel: I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
Fred: With your appetite I wouldn't be surprised.
They heard a food cart being wheeled near their compartment. Ricky checked outside and realized it was no for them.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Compartment
The girls ate their dinner while discussing their vacation plans.
Laverne and Shirley's Compartment - Night
Laverne and Shirley were asleep in their bunks beds. Laverne slept on the top and Shirley was on the bottom bunk. Shirley slept soundly while Laverne had begun to toss and turn.
Dream Sequence
In a dark room, with an ice cold atmosphere, awaited Laverne, who was wearing a black frilly gown and a silky black wrap.
Laverne: Shirl, who turned out the lights?
There was a distant sound echoing in the air, as if someone were cutting paper.
Laverne: [CONT'D] Shirl, is that you?
Shirley: Laverne?
Laverne: Thank goodness! I thought I was alone. Where are you?
Shirley: Over here, Laverne.
Laverne followed her voice and stopped when she came across a warm sticky substance.
Laverne: Uh-oh. I think this is one of Lenny and Squiggy's practical jokes.
Laverne heard the cutting noise again.
Laverne: [CONT'D] What was that?
Shirley: What?
Laverne: That cutting noise.
Shirley: Oh that. That's Edward.
Laverne: Edward?
Shirley: Yeah, he's our friend.
Laverne: Oh, he is?
The snipping sound came closer and closer until it was relevant of it's presents.
Shirley: Laverne, I want you to meet---Edward.
Thunder crashed and lightning flashed, as it lit the room to expose Edward with his lethal scissors. Laverne screamed and another bolt of lightning filled the room, revealing Shirley's brutal fate. In Laverne's hands, she held her best friend's severed head.
Shirley: Surprise, Laverne!
Laverne let go of Shirley's head and it rolled on the linoleum floor.
Laverne: Don't hurt me.
Edward: I'm not finished.
He drew up his scissors and backed Laverne into a corner.
Laverne: Don't come any closer.
Edward: I need hands. Give me your hands.
Laverne screamed as he slashed her hands off.
Laverne: Aw, now I can't sew on anymore "L's."
Edward: I'm still not finished.
Laverne: No, please! No more!
Laverne kept repeating, "No more."
Dream Sequence End
Laverne tossed and turned in her bed shouting, "No more!" She finally ended up falling off the top bunk, which woke up Shirley.
Shirley: Laverne, are you all right?
Laverne: Turn on the lights!
Shirley got up and felt her way to the light switch and turned it on. Laverne looked at her hands that were still attached to her body.
Laverne: Oh, thank you, God! There still here.
Shirley: Is there something you want to tell me, Laverne?
Laverne: Nah, I just had a bad dream.
Shirley: Do you...
Laverne: I'd rather not.
Shirley: Well, good-night.
Scene 4
EXT. Whoville Train Station
Everyone got off the train and headed toward Whoville in a hurry.
Laverne and Shirley stepped off the train and made their way through the streets of Whoville.
Shirley: Oh! Isn't it beautiful, Laverne?
Laverne: Yeah. Don't you think we should find a hotel or something?
Shirley: All right. Where do you want stay? Hort Inn or Whoville Heights?
Laverne: Whoville Heights. It sounds a whole lot classier.
Echoing through the streets of Whoville, was a man's voice.
Narrator: Way up in the mountains, in the high range of Pontoos, lay the small town of Whoville-- the home of the Whos! Ask any Who, and they'll have this to say: There is no place like Whoville around Christmas Day.
Laverne: Did you hear that, Shirl? It's just like Disneyland!
Shirley: Everyone's singing and merry.
Laverne: Why don't we move here?
Shirley: Would ya look at that Christmas tree?
Laverne looked up at the towering display of lights and decorations.
Laverne: Wow!
Laverne's eyes wondered to a shop window where she saw a mysterious figure with a sign that read: "WATCH OUT! I KNOW THE GRINCH!"
Shirley: Let's check into our hotel and then we'll go to--
Laverne: Shirl, look at that shop window and tell me what you see.
Shirley glaced over at the store window and noticed something astonishing. She made a high pitch squeal and ran to the window.
Laverne: [CONT'D] Is he there?
Shirley: Is who there? Laverne, come look at this!
Laverne slowly made her way to the store window. All she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears.
Laverne: (eyes closed) What is it?
Shirley: Open your eyes and see for yourself.
Laverne opened her eyes and saw a stuffed cat sitting in the store window.
Laverne: It's a stuffed cat. You have one at home.
Shirley: Laverne, it's a Whocat!
Laverne: Oh.
A beautiful Who came and admired the Whocat with them.
Martha May Whovier: Isn't that Whocat darling?
Shirley: Why yes it is.
Martha May: There were only two Whocats made.
Laverne: What happened to the other one?
Martha May: It's been said that many years ago, a sailor came here and paid a lot of money for it.
Laverne: Really? A sailor?
Martha May: Yes.
Laverne: Did he have a name?
Martha May: Well, of course he had a name. It was Jack.
Laverne: Jack?..Shirl, did you hear that?
Shirley: It couldn't be my father.
Laverne: Does the last name 'Feeney' ring a bell, lady?
Martha May: I barely remember him. I was a child at the time. But he did have a moto.
Laverne: What was it?
Martha May: "Whoever I know, I owe."
Laverne: Shirl, that's gotta be your father.
Shirley: Daddy wouldn't do something like that.
Laverne: Shirl, his name is Jack and he's a sailor. And believe me, I know that moto because he owes me money.
Shirley: Let's forget about this for now and get a hotel room, Laverne. Nice chatting with you, uh..what's your name?
Martha May: Martha May.
Shirley: Well, it was nice meeting you, Martha, but Laverne and I need to get to a hotel.
Martha May: I hope to see you at the Whobilation.
Shirley: We'll be there!
Martha May: Good-bye!
Scene 5
INT. Hollywood Tour Bus - Day
Lenny and Squiggy were seated in the back of the bus throwing spit wods at the other passengers.
Lenny: Gee, this sure is fun, Squig.
Squiggy: Don't I know it.
Tour Guide: We are coming to the home of Miss Greta Garbo...
Squiggy: Where is she? I want her really bad.
He crawled over Lenny's lap and pressed his lips on the glass window.
Lenny: Squig, watch your elbow.
Squiggy: I think I see her! We must sign her for our next picture, "Legs Over Paradise."
Squiggy sprung back to his seat and motioned for Lenny to follow him. They walked to the front of the bus and stopped.
Squiggy: Excuse you, but Lenny and myself need ta get off this bus.
Tour Guide: You can't do that.
A little girls voice came from the back of the bus.
Cindy Brady: Yes they can! They've been throwing spitballs at people.
Squiggy: Tattle tail!
Carol Brady: Cindy, it's not nice to tattle on other people.
Cindy: I'm sorry, mommy.
Bus Driver: I will not have spitballs on my bus! You are to get off at Keystone Studios and I never want to see you two on bus 923 again!
Squiggy: Is that near Garbo?
Bus Driver: We're here! Now get off!
They were shoved off the bus and Lenny stumbled to the ground.
Squiggy: Keystone, Creamstone. This place is not fit ta star 'King Kong!'
A cold chill ran up Squiggy's back when he said those words.
Squiggy: Uh, Len, let's go find Greta Garbo's house.
Lenny: Okay, but could I knock on her door? I've always dreamt of doing that.
Squiggy: All right, Len.
Scene 6
EXT. Whoville Heights - Late Afternoon
Laverne and Shirley had just checked into their room. They were getting ready to roam the streets of Whoville and possibly attend the Whobilation. In the next room were Lucy, Ricky, Fred, and Ethel.
INT. The Ricardos Room
Lucy: Honey, do you know when mother will get here with Little Ricky? Oh, how I miss him so.
She began to cry.
Ricky: Aw, honey, dunt cry. I'm sure your mother will get here soon.
Lucy sniffled a bit and looked at the clock on the wall.
Lucy: It's almost four o'clock. She might never get here. Maybe they're lost. Maybe they need help. Maybe...
Ricky: Maybe you should lie down and get some rest.
There was a knock on the door and Ricky answered. It was their dear, sweet, and loveable neighbors, the Mertz's.
Ricky: Hi, Fred. Hi, Ethel.
Fred: Hey, Rick.
Ethel: Hi, Rick. Where's Lucy?
Ricky: She's sitting over there.
Lucy sat very quietly in the corner of the room crying.
Ethel: Why Lucy, what's the matter?
Lucy: Mother hasn't arrived with Little Ricky.
Ethel: I'm sure she'll get here.
The phone rang and Ricky answered.
Ricky: Hello? (pause) Hold on, I'll get her.
He rested the phone in his hands.
Ricky: [CONT'D] Lucy, it's your mother.
Lucy: Mother?
She leaped to the phone.
Lucy: [CONT'D] Mother, where are you? (pause) How's Little Ricky? (brief pause) Good. (pause) Mother, we're at the Whoville Heights Hotel. Room 730. (pause) Okay. Bye, Mother. Kiss Little Ricky for me.
Lucy hung up the phone.
Ricky: What did she say, honey?
Lucy: She said she's bringing Little Ricky.
Ricky: Where is she?
Lucy: She just arrived in Whoville on the last train.
The buzzer rang and Ricky answered.
Ricky: (surprised) What are you doing here?
Scene 7
EXT. Keystone Studios - Early Evening
Lenny and Squiggy stood outside the studio gates. Squiggy paced back and forth.
Squiggy: I can't believe Greta Garbo would let her dog out just as we was about ta knock on the door.
Lenny: It was so small and fearse. It musta been a chihauhua.
Squiggy: Did ya see those legs?
Lenny: Yeah. I had no idea chihauhuas could run so fast.
Squiggy: She was so beautiful.
Lenny: It looked more like a boy dog, Squig.
Squiggy: I'm talkin' about Greta Garbo, Len. We have ta think of another way of gettin' her ta be in our picture.
Lenny: Why don't we go in there?
Lenny pointed to the entrance to Keystone Studios.
Squiggy: Are you nuts, Len? Not even Lassie or Rin Tin-Tin would pass through those gates.
A gust of wind had blown open the gates to the studio and a bright light had shown upon them.
Squiggy: Are we dead? Is this heaven?
A tall majestic being shown through the bright light and stood motionless in front of them.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] Are you God?
The voice spoke only three words, "I'm afraid not."
Lenny: Who are ya, little voice?
Squiggy: Len, I don't think we're goin' ta heaven.
The voice came from out of the light.
George Lucas: It's just me. Sorry if I scared you, but I was sent here by my boss.
Squiggy: Your boss, eh?
George: Yeah, he's producing a few films here. Come on, you can meet him.
Squiggy: We don't wanna meet your crummy old boss.
George Lucas: All right. Suit yourself.
Squiggy: We most certainly will.
George Lucas exited through the gates.
Lenny: I hope I don't have to wear a tie.
Squiggy: Lenny, what are ya talkin' about? Ties are so Pâté.
The gates reopened.
George Lucas: He wants to meet you.
Squiggy: Who?
George Lucas: My boss.
Squiggy: I wouldn't meet your boss if he was the Wizard of Oz himself.
George Lucas: Please, you have to come inside the studio. If you don't, then I have no control of what he might do.
Squiggy: You can't scare us.
Lenny: Uh Squig, I'm scared.
Squiggy: You're always scared. We're not goin'.
George Lucas: Don't say I didn't warn you.
He went back inside the gates.
Squiggy: I say we get outta here. I wonder if Greta Garbo is showering now.
A dark voice echoed through the gates, shouting, "You're not going anywhere!"
Lenny and Squiggy's faces turned sheet white when they saw the great master of comedy.
Lenny: Ch-Ch-Cha--
Squiggy: You're that dirty old tramp from that movie.
Charlie Chaplin: Watch your words, because one day I'll be dead and I'll come back to haunt you.
Squiggy: You don't scare me, Chap.
Charlie Chaplin: I'm warning you.
Squiggy: There's only one of ya. Besides, what can one ghost do?
Charlie Chaplin: More than you can imagine.
Squiggy: Ha! Ha!
Charlie Chaplin: There happens to be a ghost living in this very studio.
Squiggy: You can tell all the ghost stories ya want. I ain't scared of nothin'.
Charlie Chaplin: All right, you don't believe me? Did you boys feel a bit of a cold chill crawl up your spines earlier?
Lenny: (softly) Yes.
Squiggy: It was only the wind.
Charlie Chaplin: I'm afraid not. You see, boys, about a year ago, a good friend of mine died. You may have heard of him...Buster Keaton. He dwells inside the studio gates and if anything goes wrong, he will haunt you for the rest of your lives.
A cold chill slowly moved up Lenny and Squiggy's backs. Lenny screamed and tried to run, but he hit a stone wall and fell down. When he got up, he saw that he actually ran into "Buster Keaton's" grave stone. Lenny fainted.
Squiggy: (nervously) You'll have ta wake me up pretty early in the morning ta scare--Do we have ta buy a ticket ta get in?
Scene 8
Whoville Heights - Ricardo's Room
Ricky: William Holden. Nice to see you again. Come in.
William Holden: Uh, is your wife here?
Ricky: I'm afraid she is, Bill.
William Holden: Then I'll take a rain check. Do me a favor, Ricky.
Ricky: Sure.
William Holden: Don't let her know I'm in this hotel, okay? In fact, you never saw me.
Ricky: Sure thing.
William Holden: See you later, Ricky.
Ricky closed the door.
Lucy: Who was that, dear?
Ricky: A Jehovah's Witness selling cookies.
Lucy: Why is it that I find that so hard to believe?
There was another knock at the door.
Lucy: I'll get it, dear.
Lucy answered the door.
Lucy: [CONT'D] Mother! Where's Little Ricky?
Mother: (calling) Oh Little Ricky!
Little Ricky peaked his head out from the hall.
Little Ricky: Hi, mommy!
Lucy: Oh honey! I missed you so much.
Lucy smothered him with kisses.
Ethel: I'm awfully hungry.
Lucy: I'm hungry too.
Ricky: We'll get something to eat on the way to the Whobilation.
Fred: Well then, let's go.
Ricky: Let me grab my coat. Are you about ready to go, Partner?
Little Ricky: Yes, daddy.
Everyone exited the hotel room.
Scene 9
INT. Whoville Heights - Laverne and Shirley's Room - 732
Shirley: Laverne, are you just about ready?
Laverne was in the bathroom fixing herself up incase she met a cute Who fella at the Whobilation.
Laverne: I'm almost done.
Shirley: I don't want to be late.
Laverne: Okay, done.
She came out of the bathroom wearing a bright blue skirt and a black turtleneck shirt.
Shirley: Laverne, you are going out in the cold wearing that?
Laverne: What, it's not that cold.
Shirley: Laverne, there is snow on the ground.
Laverne: I'll be fine, Shirl. Don't worry.
Shirley: Okay, but don't come crying to me when your legs get frost bite.
Laverne: We better go. We don't wanna miss the cute guys.
Shirley: Even in Whoville, you have only one thing on your mind...
Laverne: You don't have to say it. You know, Shirl, you have a lot in common with--nah, nevermind.
Shirley: With what, Laverne?
Laverne: Nevermind.
Shirley: Tell me.
Laverne: If I tell you, then you'll just make a big deal out of it.
Shirley: Laverne, I'm almost 29 years old. I can handle it.
Laverne: Well, okay. What I was gonna say is that you have a lot in common with a broken record.
Shirley: A broken record?
Laverne: Yeah, you repeat a lot of things.
Shirley: Like what?
Laverne: Forget it.
Shirley: Tell me or I'll tell the guys we meet that you're my mother.
Laverne: Okay, Shirl. Take Carmine for instance. You always tell him to take cold showers. Don't you think he'd learn the first two times?
Shirley: You would think, wouldn't you?
Laverne: Shirley, the thing is, you treat me like I'm a child. Believe it or not, I'm turning 29 too.
Shirley: I'm sorry, Laverne.
Laverne nodded and they were out the door.
Scene 10
INT. Keystone Studios
Charlie Chaplin led Lenny and Squiggy into a dark and damp room.
Squiggy: Where are all the lights?
Charlie Chaplin lit a candle which revealed their final destination. In the corner of the room there was a costume of a Swamp Monster and the surroundings were very cold and spine tingling.
Squiggy looked at the Swamp Monster in the corner of the room.
Squiggy: This guy looks very familar. Uh, Chap, where are we?
Charlie Chaplin: You two are in a cave constructed for a monster picture I'm working on.
Squiggy: Oh boy! A monster picture!
Lenny: Do you have godzilla? I liked the way he stomped on Tokyo.
Squiggy: Oh Len, we are in the studio of dreams.
Charlie Chaplin: Yes...you are. I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (under his breath) You'll be here for long time.
The door slammed shut when he left the room.
Squiggy: This is like a dream, Len.
Lenny: Yeah.
Squiggy: All we need now is Greta Garbo in her birthday suit. (brief pause) We can't stay here, Len.
Lenny: Why not?
Squiggy: Greta Garbo is waiting for us.
Lenny: She is?
Squiggy: Yeah. Remember, Lenny? We have ta sign her for our next picture.
Suddenly, there was a thumping sound coming from the back of the room.
Squiggy: Did you hear that?
Lenny: Hear what?
Squiggy: Nevermind. It was probably just the wind.
There was another thumb coming from the back.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] You hear that?
Lenny was so scared that he couldn't speak.
Squiggy: [CONT'D] Say yes.
Lenny: Yes.
Squiggy: I wonder what it is.
Lenny: (gulp) Or who it is.
Squiggy: Oh Len, that's fairy tale. There ain't no such thing as ghosts.
Lenny: Tell him.
Lenny pointed to the corner of the room where a short alien stood holding a pot of flowers.
Squiggy: We better get outta here fast.
Lenny: Okay..how?
Squiggy: I don't know. I don't come with brains, you know.
Lenny: Let's ask him.
Squiggy: Are you crazy? You seen monster movies. He might try ta eat our liver or somethin'!
E.T.: Home.
Lenny jumped into Squiggy's arms which caused him to fall back into a puddle of goo.
Squiggy: He speaks American.
Lenny: I'm really scared, Squig.
Squiggy: I know, Len. Just close your eyes and think happy thoughts. Like midget mud wrestling.
Lenny closed his eyes.
E.T.: Phone home!
Squiggy: I ain't gotta phone! Get lost!
E.T.: Be good.
Squiggy: Shut up.
E.T.: E.T phone home. E.T. phone home.
Squiggy: Shh! You're scaring Lenny.
Lenny: (with his eyes still closed) Squig, what if he knows how to get us outta here?
Squiggy: Quiet, Len. I'm thinking. (brief pause) I bet he knows a way outta here.
Lenny: Do ya, little guy?
E.T.: Home.
E.T. pointed his right index finger to a trap door.
Squiggy: Come on! Let's get outta here!
They both went through the trapped door which led them to Charlie Chaplin's secret laboratory. Chaplin sat at a table with a tube of green liquid and over flowing with blue smoke. Chaplin did a horrifying laugh.
Charlie Chaplin: With this potion, I will turn those two idiots into my silent movie slaves! They will turn black and white and be mute forever! I'll save lots of money on silent fim making and soon, the whole world will be one big silent picture!
Squiggy: Len, did ya hear that?
Lenny: Yeah, do you think I'm an idiot?
Squiggy: Of course not, Len. You are very intelligent.
A cold chill ran up their spines.
Squiggy: Did ya feel that, Len?
Lenny: Yeah. Do you think it was Buster Keaton?
Squiggy: I already told ya, Len. Ghosts ain't real.
Buster Keaton arose from a box and moaned like the wind.
Buster Keaton: Lenny!...Squiggy!
Lenny and Squiggy held each other close. Once they realized their embace, they backed away from each other.
Buster Keaton: Join me, boys! Become a silver screen legend! Chaplin will help you! He's my friend! He's everybody's friend!
Squiggy: We ain't nobody's friend but our own.
Charlie Chaplin: Get them.
Squiggy: Run, Lenny!
Lenny and Squiggy found a door and escaped. The studio seemed like a maze which lead every which way.
Squiggy: Come on, Len. Let's hide in here!
They went into the room and slammed the door. When they turned around, they saw that they were in a screening room for Chaplin pictures and films.
Squiggy: Uh-oh. We're surrounded.
Lenny: Nah, I think this is all fake. He's not actually here, Squig.
Squiggy: That dirty old tramp! He ain't nothin' but trouble. What I wouldn't give ta...and look at that mustache. It's so small and tiny. What a sissy man. What's he doin' pickin' flowers?
Lenny: What are you doin', Squig? You wanna get us killed? Stop sayin' that stuff.
Squiggy: I ain't scared of his Chap crap. If he wants us black and white, then let'em do it.
There was a rustling at the door and it opened slowly. Standing there in all her beauty was Greta Garbo.
Greta Garbo: Hello, boys. Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Squiggy: Well...
Greta Garbo: Why are you here?
Squiggy: Actually, we are talent agents and we want ya ta be in our next picture, "Legs Over Paradise."
Greta Garbo: Were you the guys who waited outside my door today?
Squiggy: Yes.
Greta Garbo: Well, I'm sorry about my dog. He gets overly excited with people.
Squiggy: Will ya be in our movie.
Greta Garbo: Tell you what. Send the script to my house and I'll look it over, all right?
Squiggy: Okay and thank ya for doin' buisness with Squignowski Talent Agency of Burbank.
Greta Garbo: I'll see you soon.
Squiggy: Wait! Miss Garbo!
Greta Garbo: Yes?
Squiggy: Could ya show us out the door?
Greta Garbo: What?
Lenny: He means outta the studio.
Greta Garbo: (baffled) Well, I guess it wouldn't be out of my way or anything.
Squiggy: True.
Squiggy grabbed her arm, went out the door, and Lenny followed. They'd finally made it to the studio gates when Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton caught up with them.
Charlie Chaplin: Stop! You can never leave!
Squiggy: Oh yes we can!
Greta Garbo: Charles, what are you doing to these poor boys?
Charlie Chaplin: I...
Greta Garbo: Don't tell me, the potion again, right? Why do you do this? All these boys want to do is make movies and you try to scare them. Shame on you.
Charlie Chaplin: But--
Greta Garbo: You can forget about our date Saturday night. You can also forget me attending the Oscars with you too. I'll take someone else, like Groucho Marx.
Charlie Chaplin: But Buster Keaton--
Greta Garbo: Listen Charles, Buster Keaton is dead. So don't go blaming everything on him. Everytime we went out, you claimed that he was making you touch my knee. If you would've told me the truth, then maybe you could have touched a whole lot more.
Lenny almost put his palm in his mouth, but managed to keep it down.
Charlie Chaplin: Greta...
Greta Garbo: It's over, Charles.
["Hit The Road, Jack" by Ray Charles, played in the background]
She took Lenny and Squiggy and walked away.
Scene 11
EXT. Whoville - Whobilation
Laverne and Shirley took their places at the Whobilation and awaited the festivities. The Ricardos and Mertz's stood close by. Richie Cunningham approached Laverne and Shirley.
Richie: Hi, Shirley. Are you having a nice time?
Shirley: Yes, lovely.
Richie: Laverne, I love your outfit.
Laverne: Thanks, Richie. (to Shirley) See Shirl, Richie liked my outfit.
Shirley: I never said I didn't like it. It's just that you're not wearing enough clothes for this kind of weather. I told you not to throw away your winter clothes.
Laverne: I didn't. I gave'em away to some homeless people.
Before Shirley could argue and yell at Laverne, the Whobilation had begun.
Mayor May Who: Today, we reveal that Who among us who will become the Whoville Holiday Cheermeister! And the lucky Who is... (drum roll) The Grinch? Wait, this can't be right.
The Grinch busted through Laverne and Shirley and went to the podium.
Grinch: This is Whoville, Mayor. If I'm the popular beauty they chose, then I don't want to disappoint them.
He stood next to Martha May Whovier.
Grinch: Hello, Martha.
Mayor: Let the Whobilation begin!
The crowd cheered.
Laverne: Isn't that the same lady who we saw at the store window.
Shirley: Yes.
Lucy tried to pass through Laverne and Shirley too, but recognized them.
Lucy: Laverne and Shirley?
Laverne: Lucy and Ethel!
Shirley: Oh wow! Fancy meeting you here. How are you?
Lucy: Good. Ricky took us here for a vacation. You have to see my son. Just a minute.
Laverne's mind drifted away for a few minutes. She saw Edward trying to kill the Who's but when Shirley called her to meet Little Ricky, the vision vanished.
Laverne: What?
Shirley: Laverne, this is Lucy's little boy. His name is Ricky too.
Lucy: Yeah, only we call him Little Ricky. Say hello to Laverne and Shirley, honey.
Little Ricky: Hello, nice to meet you.
Shirley: It's nice to meet you too.
Ricky: Honey, do you want to leave now?
Lucy: No, dear. I want you to meet Laverne and Shirley. Remember, we met them in California.
Ricky: Hello. I dunt mean to be rude, but I'm awfully tired.
Fred saw Laverne and Shirley and smiled.
Lucy: Fred, this is...
Fred: How do you do!
Ethel: Cool down, Fred.
Laverne looked at the Grinch and he approached her.
Grinch: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT'S NOT POLITE TO STARE? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
Laverne: Listen Grinch, if you want coal in your stocking instead of up your nose, then you best back off!
Grinch: YOU DARE TO THREATEN THE GRINCH?
Cindy Lou Who: Mr. Grinch? Why are you yelling at the lady with the "L" on her shirt?
Grinch: I was having a little fun. That's what Christmas is all about, right? Just a little Christmas fun.
Cindy Lou: I thought Christmas was about family and friends.
Grinch: Well, that too. I guess.
Martha May Whovier stood next to the Grinch.
Martha May: Are we going to have the Christmas party up on Mount Crumpit again this year?
Grinch: Sure, why not?
Laverne: You're a good Grinch?
Grinch: Yes, and all the rumors about me stealing Christmas...all true. Except these Who's didn't let it happen. They were relentless. Now I love Christmas but hate Easter. That bunny is too cute and cuddly for the Grinch.
Martha May: We'll work on that next year.
Laverne: Are you two...
Martha May: Yes. For almost 2 years.
Shirley: Congratulations!
Martha May: I must be going now. They're judging the best Christmas lights next.
Laverne and Shirley got cold and returned to their hotel room. Christmas was coming in 2 hours. So they went to bed.
INT. Whoville Heights
Laverne and Shirley celebrated Christmas with the Ricardo's and the Mertz's. Laverne wondered into the bathroom where she saw Edward Scissorhands looking at her through the mirror. She almost screamed but couldn't.
Edward: Hello, Laverne.
Laverne: How do you know me?
Edward: I know a lot of people. I seem to scare a lot of people with my scissors, but I was made like this. My father was an inventor and he created me with a heart of a cookie so that I could not possibly hurt anyone. Are you scared of me, Laverne.
Laverne: Well, I thought that you were gonna kill me.
Edward: I'm not going to kill you. But, I am going to...
Laverne: NO!
Shirley rushed into the bathroom to see why Laverne had screamed. When she opened the door, Laverne was lying face down in stream of blood with scissors for hands.
Shirley fainted and to this day, she has never needed a pair of scissors with Laverne around.
UPDATES:
*Lenny and Squiggy filmed "Legs Over Paradise" in France, starring Greta Garbo. It grossed a lot of money and made Lenny and Squiggy rich for about a year. Then they went broke and Garbo left them for Groucho Marx.
*Laverne and Shirley stayed in California and lived in apartment 113 1/2 on Laural Vista. Laverne took up gardening while Shirley took up having Carmine's babies.
*Charlie Chaplin died in 1977 and finally reunited with Buster Keaton in Heaven.
*Edward Scisshands goes my just "Edward" now. He finally has hands.
*The Who's continued to have their Whobilation every year but this year, Betty Lou Who beat Martha May Whovier for best Christmas lights.
*Ricky kept his word and Lucy didn't see Bill Holden until the train ride back where she spilled red wine on his $200 white shirt.
*I don't believe Greta Garbo really went to the Oscars with Groucho Marx.
*The Golden Girls returned to Miami and never set foot in Cowboy Bills again.
*Nanny Fran got a call from Lenny and they dated for a little while.
*Chrissy and Janet stuck to the Regal Begal for lunch dates.
*And yes, this fic was long!
(Close This Window To Return To LAS Fic)