Summary: Laverne and Shirley have an unexpected visitor who falls for Carmine. Shirley is left without a date. Or is she?

Scene 1 [Laverne and Shirley's apartment- 1960]

A couple of months have past since Lenny's date with Diana. Laverne and Shirley sit in the kitchen while Frank De Fazio fixes the bathroom sink.

Shirley: Laverne, we should do something this weekend.

Laverne: Like what?

Shirley: Go on a cruise. How about Hawaii?

Laverne: No.

Shirley: Why not?

Laverne: Remember what happened last year? With the captain of the S.S. Queen?

Shirley: Ensign Benson?

Shirley: Yeah, you thought that he was going to ask you to marry him.

Shirley: Yeah.

Frank: (from the bedroom) LAVERNE!

Laverne: Uh, coming pop. Why don't you call Carmine?

Shirley: He might be with that Mrs. Lockwash.

Laverne: Call him.

Shirley: Okay. (she walks to the phone and dials) Hi, Carmine, it's Shirley. Could you come down here, please? (brief pause) All right, bye.

Laverne: (comes out of the bathroom with half a "L" in her hand) Do you care to explain this, Shirley? My "L" was clogged in the sink!

Shirley: I-I- wait a minute. I know what happened. Remember that big fight we had a while back? About that guy from the Pizza Bowl? I ripped off your "L", took it into the bathroom, and flushed it down the toilet. The other half must have fell into the sink, that's all.

Laverne: Fell into the sink, eh? Well how'd you like to fall into this? (she swings back her fist)

There's a knock at the door. Shirley walks up to the door.

Shirley: Who is it?

Carmine: It's me, Carmine.

Shirley: (opens the door) Hi, sweetheart. (she kisses him)

Carmine: (smiling) Hello.

Frank: I'M THROUGH! I'M TIRED AND I'M GOING HOME!

Laverne: Goodbye, Pop.

Shirley: Bye, Mr. De Fazio and thank you.

When he opens the door, Miss Babish stands with a tall dark haired girl.

Shirley: Hello, Miss Babish.

Edna: Hello, girls. I don't speak french, but from what I heard, this is Gina. She was looking for Squiggy. I thought I should send her to you because he's not home.

Laverne: Yeah, they've been working overtime.

Edna: Good, maybe they'll have the rent money. I better start collecting the rent from the other tenants, bye.

Shirley: Goodbye, Miss Babish. (to Gina) Hello, do you speak english?

Gina didn't say a word. She just sat on the couch and looked down.

Laverne: You sure are tall. Do you get it from your mother or your father? (no answer) So, you're looking for Squiggy.

Gina: (lifting up her head) Squiggy?

Shirley: Yes, he's our friend.

Gina: Well, he's mine cousin.

Laverne: You DO speak english. Are you from around here?

Gina: Frankfurt, Germany.

Laverne: You look more Swedish than German. How tall are you?

Gina: 5'11.

Laverne: That's 7 inches taller than Shirley.

Shirley: Don't rub it in, Laverne.

Laverne: Could be worse.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Shirley: What do you want?

Squiggy: I want... (he looks at Gina on the couch with her legs crossed) ...her! (He makes little kissy noises) You want to go upstairs and...

Shirley: Squiggy! She's you're cousin!

Squiggy: (in shock and hiding behind Lenny) Oh! Why didn't you say so? Hello, uh...

Shirley: Gina.

Gina: Is Diana still in America?

Shirley: Is she your cousin too?

Gina: Sister.

Laverne: Yeah, she's here. She works at "The Phister Memorial Library."

Squiggy goes into the kitchen and raids their refrigerator.

Shirley: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Squiggy: Getting dinner. Mmmmm. Spam and pickle relish.

Shirley: GET OUT!

Squiggy: (grabbing the milk) I'll be on my way now.

Laverne: Drop the milk, Squig.

Squiggy: (dropped the milk) There, you happy, bye!

He left.

Laverne: (nasal whine) Aw, he made a big mess. Now I'm going to have to clean that up. (getting the mop) I wanted a milk and pepsi too. (looks at Shirley) Could you give me a hand here?

Shirley: Yeah, I'll mop, you sop.

Carmine sat on the arm of the couch. Gina flipped through the pages of Laverne's "True Confessions" magazine.

Carmine: How long are you going to be here?

Gina: Well... (looks up at Carmine)... I'll never leave. (she looked into his beautiful brown eyes and melted) I mean, I'm going to stay in Milwaukee with Diana.

Carmine: If you ever need anything, call on "The Big Ragoo."

Gina: All right.

Carmine: Listen, girls, I've got to give 8 women conga lessons. So, I'll see you later.

Shirley: Goodbye, Carmine. (he left) There, all done.

Laverne: I gotta bye some more milk. (grabbing her purse and opening the door) I hate to say it, but, we need a lock fo that refrigerator.

Shirley sits next to Gina who has a radiant glow on her face.

Gina: (sigh) I'm staying in America.

Shirley: Great! Where are you staying?

Gina: With Diana.

The door flew open and Lenny stands in the doorway with Diana.

Lenny: Look who I found?

Diana: Oh, Lenny Bear. (she kissed him) I'll see you upstairs later.

Lenny: I'll be waiting.

He left

Diana: Gina?

Gina: Hi, Diana!

Gina got up from the couch and hugged her. They both started talking in french. Shirley sat on the couch with an obscure look on her face.

Gina: Guess what?

Diana: What?

Gina: I think I'm in love.

Diana: Really?

Gina: Yeah, and he's a dancer. You should see him, Diana. He's medium height with curly dark brown hair, beautiful brown eyes and the most gorgeous smile in the world.

Diana: He sound perfect. (brief pause) Well, except the medium height part.

Carmine: He is! I want a date with him. Do you think you could fix us up?

Diana: Sure.

Gina: Magnifique!

Diana: Hey, I've got an idea, let's all go! You, me, Shirley, and Laverne! Shirley, you could bring your boyfriend.

Shirley: That would be fun.

Diana: Come on to my place, Gina.

Gina: Where's that?

Diana: Upstairs, 2nd floor.

Scene 2 [The Girl's Apartment- That evening]

Shirley had just called Carmine to see if he would go with her on that date, but he had other plans that evening. Shirley sat on the couch in shock.

Shirley: I don't have a date.

Laverne: Look on the bright side, Shirl. You can vacuum the rug and clean behind the refrigerator like you were planning to.

Shirley: I said that when I thought we both didn't have dates. It's no fun doing it alone.

Laverne: It's not a fun job anyway, Shirl. It's a disgusting job.

Shirley: Who am I going to find for a date tomorrow night?

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Laverne: (to Shirley) How about Squiggy?

Shirley: Laverne, no.

Laverne: Why not?

Shirley: Let me put it to you this way. I wouldn't go out with him if he were the last man on earth.

Laverne: What do you want, Squiggy?

Squiggy: I wanted to apologize for spilling the milk.

Laverne: It's all right, Squig.

Squiggy: Well, to make up for what happened, Lenny and I chipped in a bought you...bring her out, Len.

Lenny came into the apartment with a cow on a rope.

Lenny: Here she is. You can keep her in your bedroom or your refigerator.

Squiggy: A cow.

Lenny: She's potty trained and everything.

Shirley: Laverne, do something.

Laverne: Thanks for the thought boys, but we don't need a cow.

Squiggy: Don't need a cow? Everyone should have a cow!

Lenny: Yeah, my grandfather had a goat.

Laverne: Get it out of here, boys.

Squiggy: Come on, Len. Maybe we can sell her to the zoo.

Lenny: Or we could trade her in for magic beans.

They left.

Laverne: I'm going to bed.

Shirley: (clutching the "Hi Sailor" pillow in her hands) I can't sleep. (Shrilly cry) I'll be all alone this weekend.

Laverne: No you won't, you'll have... so you'll be alone.

Shirley: Does Eddie have a friend?

Laverne: Well...

Shirley: (gets on her hands and knees) Oh, please, Laverne, please! I really want to go! Get a date for me!

Laverne: I'll see what I can do. Let's go to bed.

Shirley: (jumps up off her knees) Oh, thank you, Laverne!

Scene 3 [The Girls apartment- The next day, early that evening]

Laverne gets off the phone with Eddie. Shirley stands by the phone eagerly.

Shirley: Well, Laverne, did you get me a date?

Laverne: Yes and no.

Shirley: What's the "yes?"

Laverne: He's single.

Shirley: What's the problem?

Laverne: He's gay.

Shirley: Oh.

Laverne: Eddie's going to call me back the minute he finds someone.

Shirley: We only have 2 hours, Laverne.

Laverne: Let's get ready. That usually speeds up a phone call.

Laverne and Shirley went into the bedroom to get ready. While they were getting dressed, Squiggy entered their apartment with a girl at his arm.

Squiggy: (in a whisper) Laverne. Shirley. Are you descent? (to the girl) Come on, you wait in here. I'll be right back. Sit on the couch and undress or something.

He went out the door. The girl sat on the couch and stared at a picture of Fabian that was hanging on a shelf. Laverne came out of the bedroom in her robe and a towel wrapped around her head. She notices Squiggy's date sitting in a slouch on the couch.

Laverne: Who are you?

Myrna: Myrna.

Myrna: What are you doing in our apartment?

Myrna: I'm Squiggy's date.

Laverne: You look a little young for Squiggy. How old are you?

Myrna: Im, uh, 21.

Laverne: Yeah, and I'm Doris Day. How old are you really?

Myrna: 19?

Laverne: Try again.

Myrna: All right, I'm 17, but I'll be 18 in six weeks. Please, don't tell Squiggy.

Laverne: I'm no squealer.(The phone rings and she answers it.) Hello? (brief pause) Great! Thanks, Eddie. Bye. (calling into the bedroom) Shirl, could you come out here, please?

Shirley came out of the bathroom with green cream all over her face and her hair wrapped in a towel.

Shirley: What is it, Laverne?

Laverne: Boy, do I have good news for you.

Shirley: Squiggy's been drafted.

Laverne: No, better. Eddie got you a date for tonight.

Shirley: (gasps with excitement) A date, oh, Laverne!

Laverne: And he's a doctor.

Shirley: A DOCTOR! OH, LAVERNE, I'M SO YOUNG!

Laverne: We've got an hour to get ready. You know what, Shirl?

Shirley: What?

Laverne: You look like Frankenstein.

Shirley: (displeased by the comment) Thanks a lot.

Laverne: No, the green stuff on your face. It... Oh, nevermind.

Shirley: (screams from the bathroom) You're right, Laverne! I look horrible!

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Squiggy came and took Myrna back to his place. The evening was about to begin...

Scene 4 [The Hotel Phister]

After dinner, they all went to the Hotel Phister for a banquet hosted my Mary Richards from WJM News. Gina couldn't make it to dinner, so her and Carmine arrived at the banquet a while after they did.

Shirley: Oh, Laverne, we are dining with the rich. And need I say it, need I say it? Laverne, I am here with a doctor. Dr. Shawn Bradley, M.D. (sigh) Shirley Bradley. Mrs. Dr. Shawn Kenneth Bradley. Mrs. Bradley. Mrs. Shirley Feeney Bradley.

Laverne: All right, already. I'm going back with Eddie. You go back to Shawn, the doctor.

Shirley: I will.

Suddenly Carmine came in through the entry hall with Gina at his arm. Diana was the first to spot them. She motioned for them to join her and Lenny at their table. Laverne stood by the punch bowl as Eddie requested a milk and pepsi special for Laverne. As she was reaching for an d'oeuvre, she glances over and sees Carmine with Gina. Then she noticed Shirley, who was smiling blissfully. Laverne strolled over to Carmine's table and sat down.

Carmine: Hi, Laverne.

Laverne: Hello, Carmine. What brings you here?

Carmine: I was invited by Diana.

Laverne: Was that before or after you stabbed Shirley's heart out?

Carmine: What do you mean?

Laverne: She called to invite you to dinner with us.

Carmine: I'm sorry, Laverne, but remember, Shirley and I have an agreement.

Laverne: I know, I know. I think your agreement stinks!

Shirley: (standing behind Laverne) Hello, Carmine. Hello, Laverne.

Laverne: I'll leave you two alone.

She went back to Eddie.

Shirley: Well, well, well, Carmine. What brings you here?

Shirley: Oh course, you are.

Carmine: Are you here with anyone?

Shirley: Yes, as a matter a fact, I am. He's over at the punch bowl talking to Laverne's date. (she waves to him and he waves back) Did I mention that he is a doctor?

Carmine: No.

Shirley: Dr. Shawn Kenneth Bradley, M.D.

Carmine: Uh, Shirl?

Shirley: Hmmm?

Carmine: Well...

Gina came over and put her arms around Carmine.

Gina: Hi, sweetheart. (she kissed him on the neck) Your Angel Face is back.

Shirley: (with a staggered look on her face) I think I'll be getting back to my date now. Goodbye, Carmine... and I mean it, this time.

She turned around and walked away without looking back. Shirley had tears streaming down her face. She went into the ladies room to cry. When she got in there, Myrna was washing her hands.

Myrna: Hi. (she's that Shirley is crying) What's the matter?

Shirley: Nothing.

Myrna: I may be only a secretary, but I' m a good listener. I saw you talking to that guy who was with Squiggy's cousin. Is he the reason you're upset?

Shirley: (she broke down into tears) Yes, you see, we have this agreement. I'm allowed to date other men, and he's allowed to date ugly women. But as you can see, she's perfect. (mumbles) I'm not.

Myrna: Listen, uh, what's your name?

Shirley: Shirley Feeney.

Myrna: I'm Myrna Turner. (brief pause) You are beautiful, Shirley. So elegant and graceful. If there's anyone who's not perfect, it's me. I sit like a frog, talk nasal, and have an unproud bust. You could have any man you want. Take it from someone who had to apply for a dating service.

Shirley: Is that how you got Squiggy?

Myrna: Yep. But between you and me... he's a strange little man.

Shirley: Try living in the same building with him. Have you been in his apartment?

Myrna: He told me it was being fumigated.

Shirley: Consider yourself lucky. I've been in there. Slime City.

Myrna: He sounds a lot like Mr. Madison.

Shirley: Who's that?

Myrna: He's my boss in New York.

Shirley: What is it that you do?

Myrna: I type up sports columns. It's a steady low paying job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Shirley: I cap beer bottles.

Myrna: Do you taste the beer too? (laughs nasally "haaeeh!)

Shirley: Well, Myrna, you made me feel better. Please, visit me anytime.

Myrna: I will and if you're ever in New York, give me a call. I better be getting back to Squiggy.

Shirley slowly made her way out of the ladies room and back to her date.

Laverne: Are you doing okay, Shirl?

Shirley: Yes, I am, Laverne. I never felt better.

Mary Richards: (on stage) May I have your attention, please? I'd like to thank all of you for coming tonight. If any of you care to come up here and say something, please do so.

The night seemed like it went on forever. Laverne was mad at Carmine, Shirley pretended not to care, and Myrna was stuck with Squiggy. When they thought things couldn't get any worse...

Shirley: I'm having the best time.

Laverne: I'm glad. Where's Shawn?

Shirley: He stepped out for some fresh air.

Laverne: Why aren't you with him?

Carmine: (forcefully) Shirley Feeney, I have to talk to you!

Shirley: Carmine, what brings you over here? I thought you'd be all over Gina by now.

Carmine: Laverne, would you excuse us?

Shirley: She can stay. What is it, Carmine?

Laverne: Is there going to be a fight?

Shirley: No, because Carmine and Shirley aren't going together anymore!!

Carmine: Fine, if that's the way you want it, good.

Scene 5 [Laverne and Shirley's apartment- The next morning]

Shirley is in her bathrobe clutching Boo Boo Kitty and drinking cool-aid.

Shirley: (whining) What did I do wrong? I had a doctor and he got away.

Shirley: They eloped.

Laverne: When?

Shirley: Last night during "Comedy with Ted Baxter."

Laverne: That was boring.

Shirley: Tell me about it, my feet fell asleep.

Laverne: What about Carmine?

Shirley: I think he stayed awake.

Laverne: No, I mean, are you going to give him another chance?

Shirley: I can't.

Laverne: Why not?

Shirley: He's still out.

Laverne: Out where? There's no girl.

Shirley: Right.

"Carmine's knock" at the door. Shirley starts to run for the bedroom, but Laverne catches her.

Shirley: No, Laverne. We're through.

Laverne: Come in, Carmine!

Carmine opens the door and Shirley stands motionless with her head turned away.

Carmine: Hi, Shirl.

Shirley said nothing. She was simply involuntary.

Laverne: (nudging her) Talk to him, Shirl.

Shirley: (sat on the couch) Leave us alone, please.

Laverne: I'm out of here. I'll be in the bedroom if you need me.

Shirley: (to Carmine) Why are you here?

Carmine: You know why. We need to talk.

Shirley: You're right.

Carmine: Shirl, I don't want to let you go. I'm still crazy about you.

Shirley: Then why did you call her Angel Face? That really hurt me.

Carmine: I've made a lot of mistakes, Shirl. (he sits down next to her on the couch) But choosing you to be my Angel Face was not one of them. I shouldn't have done what I did. I got a little jealous when I saw you with that doctor. I thought that he would take away the one person I love very deeply. (brief pause) I love you, Angel Face and I don't ever want to lose you.

Shirley: (tears streaming down her cheek) I love you too, Carmine. (she hugged him) Promise me one thing, Carmine.

Carmine: What's that?

Shirley: That I will be your one and only Angel Face.

Carmine: Okay, Angel Face.

Shirley and Carmine kissed. Suddenly Myrna came running through the door.

Myrna: HIDE ME!

Shirley: Go into the closet.

Myrna quickly gets into the closet and shuts the door. Squiggy runs through the apartment with a net.

Squiggy: Where is she?

Shirley: Where is who?

Squiggy: Who do you think?! Myrna!!

Shirley: Oh, yeah, Myrna. (slowly and sweetly so would understand) Well, she's in 10 Buck 2.

Squiggy: 10 Buck 2, eh? That must be somewhere in Canada. Thanks.

He ran out the door and Myrna peeked out of the closet.

Shirley: He's gone, Myrna. (she stepped out of the closet) I thought you'd be in New York by now.

Myrna: So did I.

Shirley: What happened?

Laverne came out of the bedroom wearing plaid pants and a green shirt.

Laverne:(to Myrna) Hi.

Myrna: Hi.

Laverne: I'm fixing a myself a milk and pepsi. Do any of you care for one?

Myrna: Do you always have 2 drinks for breakfast? (laughs nasally)

Laverne: Hey, I like your laugh. (nasally laugh "hah")

Myrna: Mr. Madison, my boss, likes salami and jelly on rye. I tried it once, it made me gag.

Shirley: Laverne, tell Myrna what you eat.

Laverne: Tuna on scooter pie.

Carmine: I better be going. I have to teach Rosie Greenbaum the cha-cha.

Shirley: Carmine, will I see you Friday night?

Carmine: How about I give Rosie her lesson and then we could go up to my apartment and...(Shirley gave him a "You can forget it" look)... or we could wait until Friday night. (he kissed her and left)

Myrna: He's nice.

Laverne: (with a milk and pepsi in her hand) Here you go, Myrna, try it. (Myrna takes a sip) How do you like it?

Myrna: It's different. I'll tell you what. You write down the recipe and I'll try it out on Mr. M. (nasal laugh) Just a little kitchen humor. (nasal laugh continues)

Laverne: (nasal laugh) You're funny.

Shirley: I can be funny too.

Laverne: (using sarcasm) Oh, yeah, Shirl, you're a barrel of laughs.

Myrna: (she laughs nasal) You two crack me up. You're a lot funnier than Mr. Madison and Mr. Unger.

Shirley: See, Laverne? Myrna thinks I'm funny.

Myrna: I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a plane to catch. I'll see you if I'm ever in town.

Shirley: Goodbye, Myrna and thank you.

Myrna: Bye.

She left.

Shirley: She's nice, isn't she?

Laverne: Yeah. (brief pause) Hey, Shirl, do you wanna go see "Psyco?"

Shirley thought about it for a momment. Then Squiggy's voice came from the streets, "Let's go ask the girls!"

Shirley: I'll grab my coat.

They rushed out of the apartment.

THE END